Original subtitles

Da, da, da, da, da, "7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this 7" Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Jon Hamm.

Hi, Jon. - Hey, how are you?

Welcome.

Can I call you Ron Draper?

Why, why would you?

So "Mad Men" is starting season 5

and I got a peek at the script ahead of time.

So a little spoiler.

Would you mind giving this a read?

Episode 513.

This is actually the very end of the season.

Yeah.

Listen up.

Peggy, Pete, January, I brought you all down to Madison Avenue

to say this.

I've had thoughts of being unfaithful to my wife,

but I didn't.

I went home and took care of it solo.

You know what I mean.

I mean, I really went to town.

Backhand, all that.

And that just slowly.

There's a pullback.

Yeah, a pullback.

And then Bob Dylan's "All Along the Watchtower."

Your first appearance as Draper was on "Ally McBeal."

- That's not true. - That's not true.

No.

That was one of my first jobs.

Did you see it?

I saw stills of it.

I couldn't find the scene.

"McBeal" has got a good, a good tight grasp

on not letting the internet sneak out any "McBeal."

I didn't know where you were going with "McBeal's"

got a good tight.

You were in a film called "The Town"--

I was.

Which I liked a lot.

I thought that was a really good movie.

Thank you.

That's all you got?

I thought that would make you kiss me.

This closet was supposed to be sprayed and everything

for any bugs, but I think we may have a little problem

with a tickle spider.

Oh.

I'm really sorry about that.

We're really excited to have a guest like you

and definitely didn't want to have this happen.

For a bro like you, how often does the sex act end in crying.

Bro like me's rackin' like 10%.

That's a good, that's a good percent.

Which is a nice low time.

I'm probably half and half.

Yeah.

Every now and again I'll just get weepy.

Jon just did "Inside the Actor's Studio" with the cast

of "Mad Men" yesterday.

So watch for that on TV.

And I'm going to borrow a little bit as the guy with the beard

borrows from Marcel Proust--

Steal from him.

And a few of his questions.

Where do you live?

I live in Los Angeles, California.

Like, what's the address?

It's, I'm not.

What's your most absurd body part?

I think it's pretty clear, the face.

It's absurd.

What's your favorite way to say goodbye to British lads?

Tip of the bowler.

Yeah, you got to tip the bowler at 'em.

That sends them on their way real nice.

Just, because it's also, it's like, first of all,

you're wearing a bowler.

Yes.

So you're probably way higher class than them.

Yeah. And they know.

When you tip it, it's like, we're done, guy.

You know, it is called "7 Minutes in Heaven."

I do know that.

And so a lot of times.

Good man, good man, this is fun.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, hey, idiots!

Welcome to "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People."

Get out your boners and vaginas, because today's episode is all

about sex, and relationships.

As an idiot, you've probably never dated a smart person,

unless you're attractive, wealthy or powerful,

in which case, smarties will gladly convince themselves

you're not as dumb as you really are.

But even if you're none of those,

here's how to deal with smart people, sex, and relationships.

Since your idiot attention span is fading fast, let's

just skip straight to the sex stuff.

Modern technology has made it easier

than ever for introverted smart people

to find and bone each other.

Unfortunately, this means they're less desperate to screw

idiots like you.

So you'll have to search for available smart

people in foreign worlds.

To get a smart person to like you,

just nod occasionally while they talk for hours.

That's what they call a great conversation.

Look at you go, idiot!

You got a smart person into bed!

Now you get to have sex with someone who will over-analyze

every single second of it.

And if for some reason you want to keep

seeing that smart person, you'll have

to trick them into thinking you actually have a brain.

First off, a smart person will never trust you unless you

own a bookshelf, with books.

You can't just own the shelf.

Next, you'll have to plan interesting dates.

And interesting does not mean always

going to Dave and Busters.

Instead, you'll have to endure the endless boredom of museums,

performances that no one wants to be at,

and exotic foods that smart people pretend to enjoy.

Surprisingly, this relationship built entirely on lies

is doomed to fail.

But you're not alone.

No smarty idiot relationship can ever last.

Attractive idiots will age, rich idiots will get swindled,

and powerful idiots will wind up dead, with their spouse getting

their congressional seat.

Smart people love "House of Cards."

In conclusion, true love is just a fleeting chemical reaction

in your tiny idiot brain, so get consent, use a condom,

and away, my horny little idiots.

Hi, Bill.

Is he talking to his kids?

Yeah.

That's adorable.

What are you doing, boo buddy boo?

Wow, he's getting big.

Our couples are coming.

We're getting started.

I miss you.

Your hair looks great.

Yeah, oh, I love her hat.

- Come in. - I'm Linda.

I'm Alec.

If I have a question, just jump in?

You're Alec, I'm Rich.

How you doin', Rich?

Nice to meet you.

You met where?

Blind date.

Who put you on the blind date?

A mutual friend.

And they nailed it?

You guys got along right away?

The first date, right away, right away.

Click.

Who proposed to who?

Who brought up marriage first?

I'm in.

I said it first.

And I said, no, you're not.

You called the police.

I wanted him to move in with me.

He told me, no.

He said he doesn't want to just live with me.

He'd rather be married.

And I said, I guess we could do that.

And we continue to eat dinner, and then we

look at each other and like, did we just decide to get married?

And we just kind of chuckled and said, yeah, I guess we did.

So it seems like you just fell into all of it.

How'd the three kids come?

How'd you fall into that?

We just kind of fell into that too.

They're like so cool.

What was their lowest point?

Of course, when you have kids, congratulations

on the little kids.

Yeah.

You're around them, you lose some of your own identity

somewhat, because you're doing for the kids mostly.

When you have three boys or three kids very involved

with so many activities, that takes

away so much of your time.

And I think that's probably the lowest point.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

I met my wife Hilaria

when I was 52, 53 years old, but up till then

I thought I was going to be on my own the rest of my life.

And now we have two kids in under five

years we've been together.

And I dream about what it was like to have an empty nest.

All the things I could be doing.

Hold up, what does this guy say?

Let's have a New York moment.

There's a fire truck?

There's a fire truck stuck? OK.

Fire truck.

Back up, back up this tank here.

Say that again.

Do their sons have girlfriends,

and if so, do they approve?

Fantastic, Ellie.

You've already earned all your money for this episode

with this one question. - You heard it.

We're asking this question, by the way,

while Belo's making a U-turn and going the wrong way.

Belo served in Nam.

He used to drive all the people's

limos backwards in Saigon.

Do your sons have girlfriends, and do you approve of them?

Um, I think they're having fun.

Nothing they're committed to.

So I'm going to ask you a question,

and you answer the question, because I have the true answers

already. - Uh-oh.

Sex or Netflix?

Sex.

I don't know what Netflix is.

What is Netflix?

I like sex.

Oh, why did I say that?

If you were forced to spend the rest of your life

on a desert island with someone, would it be

Alec Baldwin or Russell Crowe?

I have to say Alec Baldwin.

Thank you.

But it really hurt that you had to think about it,

but I'm glad you chose me.

I'm being honest.

I'll consider that somewhat of a victory.

It's a half victory.

We asked him to pick his wife or his gun.

What did he choose?

Oh, where, click, click.

It better be his wife.

I love her.

What's the thing you try to stay consistent with?

It's when there's kids involved,

it's setting the right example for the kids.

I mean, they're going to learn by what you do and how you act.

And don't give in when things get tough.

You have to go for the grind.

It's make it work.

I mean, you got together, you committed--

- And don't quit. - For a reason.

- Don't quit. - You don't quit.

Quitting is not an option.

Right. Work through it.

She's going to launch a clothing line.

Yeah. She should do everything.

I know.

I love her.

That's an inspiring couple.

I've been a bridesmaid five times,

and it's an honor to be asked, but finally, it's my day.

This time, I said no.

I'm a guest.

Oh, I can't believe it's finally happening!

Oh, I'm drunk, I'm wasted,

the liquor, can't take it.

Being a bridesmaid is objectively terrible.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friend Ashley.

Hi, can I have two of these?

Of course.

Thank you.

What I don't love is paying for the dress, the bridal shower,

the bachelorette party.

Also, you can wake up at 4:00 in the morning

and take photos on horseback in front of a bridge.

It's like someone decided the best

way to honor your closest friends

is to make them work for you.

Oh, oh.

- Oh. - Hi.

Hey.

Oh, you're so tall.

Could you take this?

Could you hold this?

Could you help me?

When you're a guest, all you have to do is write a check

and show up.

I don't want to go to Vegas with some bitches I don't know.

I mean, who the is Brenda?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, beautiful ceremony.

I didn't go to the ceremony.

I woke up at 4:00 PM.

Guess what.

Nobody cares.

I could make out with Ashley's dad right now.

If I were a bridesmaid, that would be wrong.

Do I feel left out?

I don't know, I guess I never really thought about it.

Oh, my God, there's a chocolate fountain.

I've held enough dresses up over the toilet.

I just want to relax.

Maybe I don't know, meet someone new.

Do I want to get married?

I mean, yeah, someday.

Nothing like crazy though.

I mean, I might have bridesmaids,

but their dresses would be classy

so you could shorten them and wear them again,

you know what I mean?

Hey, everybody, I'm Jim O'Heir and I'm here to play "Caption

This with Above Average."

What do we got, peeps?

Is that Pratt?

My guy looks like a baby.

He's got his hand here.

I don't know where his other hand is.

If I know Pratt, it's right down the front of his pants.

Oh, it's my Christie Brinkley.

Oh, my God.

She wasn't going to do "Parks."

She said to her daughter, I got this offer

to do some show called "Parks" or something,

and her daughter goes, "Parks and Recreation?"

And she goes, yeah.

They want me to play someone's wife.

Jerry Gergich's?

She goes, yeah.

Mom, you got to do it, you got to do it!

Because the daughter wanted to come to the set.

So I'm going to caption this, Jerry loves

his Gayle, hashtag #forever.

Aw, that's me cradling.

I shouldn't repeat this story.

Eh, what the hell.

I make love to it every night.

It's in the bed with me.

It's fulfilling.

Yeah, and I, I'm a tender lover.

Oh God, I could do you.

Anyway, hashtag #happytohavesomeoneinmylife.

Oh, from "Bold and Beautiful!"

Yes.

Yes, I'm like, I know these faces.

I don't want soaps, and it's nothing against soaps,

because I'll tell you, the lesson I learned when I did

the soap that I won the Emmy for, did we mention

that, these actors will be handed 40, 50 pages of material

and are expected to do it that day.

They impress the hell out of me.

I love this show.

Hashtag #IthinkI'llbedoingmore.

Oh, Mr. Rob Lowe.

Let me tell you a little story about Mr. Rob Lowe.

I'm happy for him.

Why shouldn't I be?

He looks like that.

I look like this.

I am only two years older than this.

So what is the obvious conclusion?

Deal with the devil.

Oh, with that bastard!

OK, here's what's going on here, OK.

First of all, 100th episode, what a gift.

So as would be typical, my face is cut out.

So I'm going to caption this one of the best days of my life,

hashtag #someofthegreate stpeopleinmylife.

This has been Jim O'Heir and I have had a blast doing this.

Jonas, I was so scared, they had me prisoner.

Jonas!

It's OK, you're safe now, I've got you.

But there's evil here, I can feel it.

Quickly, Celina, head to the ship and man the controls,

I'll be with you soon.

Go!

Jonas, Jonas, Jonas.

We meet again.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Galgazon.

No, it's me, your nemesis.

Ah, yes, Porkintof.

No.

Is it Peter?

Are you serious?

I meet so many people.

You don't remember me?

We just had a huge fight in the treetops

on the seventh moon of Argon.

We were underneath the gravitational shield.

I wore those red shoes.

This was two days ago!

My God, I knew it was you, Philip Thomas!

What? No.

Who is Philip Thomas?

I literally just picked a name and said it.

Jonas, we are two sides of the same coin,

forever connected in battle.

The light and the dark, an eternal destiny.

The prophecy?

I'm in a ton of prophecies.

You, you gave me this scar!

Well, no.

You gave me this birthmark!

How?

How is that even possible?

Did you give me this gift card to Chili's?

No.

Do you want a gift card to Chili's?

Silence!

You know who I am, Jonas!

Of course, I do, Brad.

Laurie's friend from work.

I don't know any Laurie.

Me neither, I'm just spit-balling here.

Reba, Martina, Shania Twain?

You're just naming country music divas.

Are you that guy from "Downton Abbey?"

Which one?

I mean, no!

I've got it, Jonas.

Nope, that's me, said my own name.

This is really hurting my feelings.

Hold up, are you my father?

Because that would be a twist.

That's it!

Prepare to die!

I'd rather die than see you gain

control of the Galactic Senate.

Ah, so you do know my plan.

Yeah, I know it.

You're going to gain control of the Galactic Senate

and then everyone is going to the mall.

Just kill me!

Jonas!

Are you all right?

All that matters is you're safe.

I love you so much, Jonas.

And I love you, Celina.

Yeah, you keep calling me that.

The caterpillar is changing quietly into a bird.

I think our guest is an actor.

He asked for the narcissist discount.

His name is Caden Masterbane.

Caden Masterbane?

Are you fudging kidding me, James?

Caden Masterbane is the hunk on my soaps that I DVR.

Oh, good God, woman.

Oh, such a Fanilow.

He's the only man that I ever loved.

Friends for 30 years,

we've been writing comedy, now we run a bed and brunch

in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers, what.

What?

Hi, I'm Caden Masterbane.

Yeah, you are.

And this is my wife, Laleila.

Poor unsuspecting biatch.

Do you still water or sinks?

Toilets are poor ones and twos only.

Oh, also, this couch here behind me, it's a hide-a-bed.

It works really, really, good.

What the hell are you up to?

What's the deal with the cookies?

Ask your husband.

Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Got up to pee six times and you weren't there.

Where were you?

Getting what's mine.

What the hell did you do?

I did everything.

I bailed on one thing, because it hurt a lot.

You've got quite the spread.

Somebody said that last night.

Now is this Irish salted butter or is it useless to me?

Paula it's quite the culinarian.

Huh.

I heard you were quite the cunnilingarian.

That's funny, you told me you were a fellatiotarian.

You tellin' fresh lies at this breakfast?

Eat and be done with this nonsense!

So, we were going to go for a little hike.

Any chance you guys have a compass?

Oh, a compass.

Well, you didn't have any trouble

finding south last night.

I know there's GD corn syrup in this half and half.

So, Caden, how did you sleep last night?

Oh, when he finally did, I bet he did sleep well.

You do bet I did.

She do.

Does I?

You does.

Does she what, Caden?

Listen to me, no one likes daytime drama more than me,

no one.

But it's our anniversary.

I smell cellulose gum all up in this.

So please, do not tempt me.

Then stop tempting me with your face meat.

Stop tempting me with your meat meat.

Stop tempting me with your trouser meats.

Stop tempting me with your.

Thank you.

He'll be back.

He's the only man who's ever loved me.

I love you.

What's wrong?

James!

What?

I think the baby's coming!

Oh, oh, James, oh.

Don't panic, Paula.

The baby's coming!

OK, OK, I'm here.

You're going to have to help me, James.

OK, OK.

I'm going to push it out, OK?

All right.

I don't want to see any of this. - All right.

- So I'm just going to do this. - OK.

- OK? - OK.

OK.

Here we go.

Oh.

Is it a boy or a girl?

It's the one with a penis that's not a girl.

Oh, it's our son.

Look at you.

Ma'am.

Did you move the cookies that were there?

You know what I think?

What?

I think childbirth is like a videotape being played

backwards of a boa constrictor hiding

in the brush eating a piglet.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

OK, I gotta split.

Let's go.

He's beautiful.

James, that's a doll I put up there in 2013.

It's cute.

I'm going to go have a drink.