Original subtitles

And you must be--

Jafar.

Former vizier to Agrabah, humbly at your service, St. Peter.

Thanks.

My liege.

I'm gonna need that back.

What's that?

My ring.

I don't know of any ring.

What are you referring to? - It's in your hand.

I need my ring back.

It's in your hand.

Just a hand, brown hand.

What's in the brown hand?

There's nothing in the hand.

Just-- just this.

I can see it.

Just hand me my ring.

You put it down and I can see it.

Oh, this ring?

This is your ring? Sorry.

That's fine.

No, I like rings.

That is why you're not going to get into heaven.

You will let me through the pearly gate, St. Peter.

Look into my eyes.

I shall rule from above.

The power makes my staff so hard, St. Peter.

Are you done?

Sorry, it doesn't work up here.

So here's what we've got you for, attempted murder

of a love-struck Arabian youth.

Misunderstanding.

Probably.

Theft of a magical oil lamp.

Wrong place, wrong time is what that was.

Sounds like it.

And usurpation of the Salton Sea.

I don't know what usurpation means.

I don't either.

So then it doesn't count.

St. Peter, think of me as a reformer

trying to bring about sweeping change across Agrabah.

Like what?

.

People do like green space.

And slavery.

Man, that's a real bad one.

OK, I banned plastic bags from the Bazaar.

That's better.

And I banned women from the Bazaar too.

Yeah, a lot of these won't help you.

Then perhaps this shall change your mind, St. Peter.

You remember the golden rule, don't you?

Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

OK, but money isn't a big deal here.

You really just tried to bribe me with the gold bar.

No, I was just working on my traps.

I've been doing crossfits.

Security, will you escort Jafar all the way downstairs,

please?

Nice try.

Is this not a magic carpet?

No, Crate and Barrel.

Damn Westerners.

Hi, I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and eat a lot of sugar.

Wanna hear a story?

I'm gonna tell you a story.

It's a kiss and smooch story called, "Once Upon a Love."

This is a story of a boy and girl crushes on each other.

The boy was named Jared and he knew

how to grow a full mustache.

He was really good at video games.

He could pretty much beat any final players in about five

seconds without even trying.

He also knew all 50 states and capitals,

and loved squeeze yoga.

The girl was named April.

And she looked just like that reporter girl

from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

She was really good at skateboarding.

And she could make cool drum sounds within her mouth.

One day, Jared was walking home from work

at the Doritos factory when he looked up and saw

the girl for the first time.

And she was walking in off slow motion,

and the wind was blowing on her, and her hooters

were jiggling around.

And that's what he knew he wanted to go steady with it.

So he went up to her and told her

how much he liked her hooters, and she blushed for a while.

Then they decided to go on a date.

So that night, they got dressed up.

April wore pantyhose and a necklace.

And Jared put grease in his hair and put

on the Sunday school shoes and a cool tie

with basketballs all over it.

Then he put on some ChapStick, so lips wouldn't

be crusty if he kissed.

He looked awesome.

He then went to pick her up and she looked awesome too.

So he gave her some jive answers and Light Up Yoyo for a gift.

They went to my favorite restaurant

where you can play cool games.

Jared was so good that they got enough tickets

to get the top prize, which was a stuffed animal zebra.

And gave it to April because it was so romantic.

Then they both drink a cup of beer

and it made them giggle a lot.

So they walked by the river.

And Jared thought he'd try out a smooch.

So he leaned in and hugged her body

and kissed her mouth for a bit.

But then April stopped and said she didn't want kissing anymore

because the breath stunk bad.

So she got on her skateboard and left.

Then Jared went home and cried into a pillow,

beat "Halo 4" in like two minutes, and went to bed.

The next day he was walking down by the river again,

and he saw April.

And she was holding hands with some dentist.

So he went up to her and said, what are

you doing with this dentist?

And she said, I'm going steady with this dentist

because his breath smells good all the time, like toothpaste.

And Jared said, well, that sucks.

Then he ripped the dentist mask off his face

and tried to throw it in the river, but it was too windy.

This dentist was a real bad guy.

He was always giving kids braces and making them

wear headgear all the time.

And he didn't care at all how dumb it made them look.

He was a major buttface, and his name

was Dennis, Dennis the dentist.

How dumb is that?

Anyway, Jared was so mad that he went home and threw

a whole bunch of apples out of wall because they look cool

and they splat.

Then he decided he needed to get back at her.

So he started kissing any girls he would find.

He kissed the girl on his front porch.

He kissed another girl on just some stair.

He even kissed the girl right next to her horse.

April never found out about it.

Until one day she found out about it.

And she started slapping the heck out of him.

And while she was slapping him, he

started thinking about all the bad things he had done

and all the girl mouths he had kissed.

Then he stopped one of her slaps and turned it into a handhold.

And April thought that was pretty cool.

And they looked at each other in the face for a while

and felt all warm and tingly.

So they went back to Jared's house

and rolled around on the bed.

And we just saw a bunch of close-ups, some candles,

and flowers, and stuff.

Then they went back to the river,

and Jared played her a love song on the recorder.

And they kissed for a long time, even though Jared

had just eaten a whole bag of Doritos

and his breath stunk real bad.

And the stupid dentist stood there and watched

the whole time like an idiot.

Luckily, you got hit by a garbage truck and died.

Jared and April lived happily ever after.

Until their five-year anniversary

when April was caught under the covers with their exercise

teacher, Sherman.

And he said some exercise gibberish.

.

So she went to go live

in her aunt's house for a while, until she

has time to figure things out.

Jared's been closed off emotionally lately.

Sugar Boy!

Life can be hard sometimes.

Done.

Oh, my God.

What the heck's the matter with your hands?

Gina.

Could it be?!

Steak matter.

No, it's worse even than that.

It's the same.

It's a .

This is .

Help us, please.

Listen to me.

I called you here today because we need better

quality wood for our stems.

Oh, come on, girls.

Get the hell out of here.

Look who it is, the queen

of wheat herself, Erin Oatmeal.

Queen of wheat?

Union.

That's the way .

You can do it!

You can--

Well, well, well.

,, Mr. Fisk, the county clerk.

That's right.

It is I, Fisk.

And I was tipped off about y'all's little strike.

I want of y'all removed from the premises indubitably.

Tell your husbands to come fetch y'all.

My husband has a pint of ice cream.

I can tell you never miss any soap operas, do you?

We're not going anywhere, Mr. Fisk.

Tell him, Erin.

Tell him what?

Unions are for dark workers?

Maybe I should tell him that this isn't a rash,

it's blood from a previous injury

that then I used to dupe you.

I'm sorry.

But I did tip off because he's my boss

and he's a good-looking man who occasionally treats

me to a big bag of tater tots.

And guess what?

Here's what I think of your stupid little union.

Onion.

Onion.

Stinks like an onion.

It's onion.

What is that?

Onion.

Onion.

Like onion soup?

That's not really how you say it.

Are we going to do a take where she says onion?

I did a little--

Can we do a take where she says it the way

that the word is said?

And what is that, onion?

Onion.

ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels, Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop.

This week, our off screen rivalry

with actress Sisa McCarron who plays Erin Oatmeal

came to something of a head.

I made fun of the way that she said onion.

And it got physical.

It got bloody. - Richie.

Wolf.

She's insane.

It's like I shouldn't get notes from her.

I regret it in a way and in another way.

No, no, I don't.

In any case, we were a united front, weren't we?

We were.

We took care of her.

We really took care of her.

Thank you so much for watching this

exclusive behind-the-scenes look at "Notary Publix."

Friendship.

Look, Ashley!

Get in your cage.

OK.

We're looking for our daughter.

She was in an accident. Deidre Curtis.

You're the parents?

Yeah.

Deidre's OK, just a couple of stitches.

Thank God.

But when we were doing her exam,

we found something pretty disturbing.

Your daughter-- she makes jewelry.

Oh, my God.

You and your trips to the bead store, Gail.

- Hey. - She did this.

OK.

Hey, let's take a second.

We don't know what causes women to create piles

and piles of shitty jewelry.

OK?

We don't know.

What we do know, is that the two main factors

are a staggering lack of self-criticism and zero talent.

Oh, my God.

She used to sing for us at her dinner parties

when she was little.

Nobody asked her to.

She was bad.

She was awful.

Do you want to see your daughter?

- Yeah. - OK.

Right this way.

God, it's everywhere.

Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry to worry you,

but I'm making you both Opal toe rings to make up for it.

As you can see, it's pretty advanced.

Oh.

Jesus, what are those?

That is a statement necklace

and those are Tiger's eye dangling

earrings that we had to remove from your daughter's hand.

OK.

So you were able to remove them.

So that's good news, right?

It's not that simple.

Let me show you something.

Oh.

Deidre has an endless supply of beads, wires, trinkets

and feathers in her craft box.

She will make jewelry for the rest of her life.

Can't you remove the--

craft box?

I'm afraid if we remove the caboodle now,

she may write autobiographical short stories.

Oh, so this could spread beyond jewelry?

No!

Guys, sand dollar chokers.

It's my new thing.

I'm going to make a hundred.

You should know that she may never

buy Christmas gifts again.

Come December, she's going to wrap this shit up.

She's going to hand it to you and you've got to act

like it's worth something. - I think I'm going to faint.

I gotcha.

I gotcha.

OK?

Will she at least be able to open an Etsy store?

Of course, she will.

But that's because any shitty idiot can open an Etsy store.

Buying her Pandora style belly chains,

that's going to be mostly your responsibility.

Should we--

Kill her?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

Not yet.

But we might want to revisit that depending

on how many brass geometrical pendants she makes.

Are we going home soon?

I really want to make my pottery class tonight.

Is there any chance for a cure here?

You could tell her that her jewelry is bad.

Oh, no.

Never.

We like to affirm her.

Baby, that's good stuff.

It's so good--

This would look better on a dog I think.

I'm going to make dog jewelry.

She's our daughter.

This is unreal.

It's my hobby and my job.

You guys are the problem.

I think I'm going to go to a film school.

This one is $300.

How long did that take you to make?

- A minute. - A minute?

- One minute. - One minute.

One minute.

You think your time is worth $300?

Absolutely.

Do you want it?

No.

Yes, we're home, James.

The local gay bar.

These are our people.

How city-savvy fumes, bitches.

Check it out.

I hope no one can smell my warming

pain patch on my lower back.

They'll know I'm not 30.

God, I hope no one notices

that I've got weight-loss-related skin

surplus under my cap dress.

I don't belong here and I know it.

Hey!

Oh, my God.

They're so young.

I feel like a mom at a One Direction concert.

What the fuck am I doing here?

Is that the grandson

of the old gay guy who used to buy me wings at Applebee's?

Jesus, kill me now.

We should get a drink.

Friends for 30 years, we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

Hey.

What are you drinking?

The older lady I rode here with, she--

she will have a White Russian.

I will have a Cosmo, gurr.

Oh, look at that.

Wow.

She's an artisan.

Kind of violent, but I like it.

Yes.

She blew out her voice earlier today

at a Free Range Chicken Rally.

She's their voice.

What, are you shy?

She's a little short shy.

I'm short shy.

A little short and shy.

I'm into that.

Where's Paula?

Where's Paula?

Where's Paula?

Where-- there she is.

There she is.

Cute.

Oh.

Yeah, I see you.

I see you short shy.

I hope my panic attack

just looks like I'm on Molly.

Tendons, behave.

You're a delicious drink.

Paula, if you leave me

and I have to stay in that jackass old house by myself,

I will burn it down for fun and insurance.

I'm going to go flirt with the fellas.

You two lovelies have a great time.

Please don't leave me, James.

I'm going to end up doing it with her.

If she isn't horrible to me, I'm going to end

up giving her everything.

Oh, my God. There you are.

Thank God.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

This mixologist won't get off my jock.

Don't act bummed.

You love this.

No, I'm telling you, I don't.

I don't want people that want me.

That's just who I am.

I'd rather dance with you.

Me, too.

But this music sucks.

Let's give them something to dance about, OK?

Hi.

Hi.

You guys want me to make an announcement

about you're looking for your runaway daughter?

What's her name?

Rude.

We're patrons here.

Yeah, what we would like is for you

to play that old dance tune.

Maybe you've heard of it. It goes

Nope.

How about the one that goes-- um-- shake that bag.

Shake that bag. It's popping.

It's popping.

Got a microwave, my love.

No?

How about IKEA love?

IKEA love?

It goes Putting it together--

with no directions.

Not familiar with those tunes.

You listen to me, Hot Shit McPherson,

we may not know these cool songs.

But the songs we know, we based an entire relationship upon.

OK?

We used to time our shots of tequila

so the buzz would peak right at the best time in the song.

That's actually pretty freaking cool.

All right.

Yes!

Our night is pumping, pump this night.

Our night is bumping, bump this night.

Our night is pumping, come bump this place.

Gotta pump this party, 'til it bumps in our face.

Bop!

Pop!

Bop!

In our face.

Watch out.

The party's about to pop.

300 psi.

Party.

Yeah!

Going to party.

Pump this night.

Pump, pump, pump, pump it up.

Going to pump this party.

Hey, hey, hey, where the-- where do you think you're going?

Hey.

Last night was fun, right?

Were you just going to sleep with me

and then sneak out before I woke up?

Well, I-- I thought I probably should.

We don't even know each other's names.

That's so rude, Richard.

- It's Brian. - Whatever.

Come back to bed.

OK.

Um-- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you by--

You should probably go.

What?

I just feel like maybe this is moving

too fast and we should make this maybe just a one-time thing.

I was just trying to leave.

You brought me back here.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Because you can't just leave.

I have to kick you out.

I mean, those are the rules.

Wait, that's crazy.

That's not OK.

Yeah, but I didn't write the rules.

It sounds like you did.

You're saying that I can't leave when I want to.

I have to wait till you tell me that you want me to leave?

Oh, I'm so happy you understand.

Goodbye.

All right.

Whatever. - Wait.

Wait.

Aren't you forgetting to ask for my number?

You just told me to leave.

You said this was a one-night thing.

Yeah, but I'm not the kind of girl that says this

is a one-night thing and doesn't expect

a phone call the next day.

All right.

Look, if I just get your number, can I leave?

Yeah, I'm not crazy.

Fine, what's your number?

Oh, you want my number?

OK.

Oh, it is 555--

5-- yeah, that's a fake number.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

It's the first three digits they use in every phone

number in the movies. - What?

- Don't act stup-- - What?

Don't-- don't--

So if I call a 555 number, I will get "The Terminator?"

No, you'll get nobody.

Nobody has those numbers.

What?

That's insane.

Is that like a Netflix thing?

Oh, my God.

This is just-- you know, Verizon gave me a fake number.

They didn't.

You gave me a fake number.

They gave you a real number.

Then you did not give that to me.

OK.

OK, I'm going to tell you something.

I don't want you to be mad.

OK.

- I gave you a fake number. - Oh, my God.

How dare you?

Let me tell you why.

Because I just feel like you're going

to harass me at 2:00 AM with like,

you, know booty calls and slam requests.

And I'm like--

Why would I--

why would I do that?

I didn't-- you-- you asked me to take your number.

I don't even want it.

You don't want my number?

We had sex.

That is so messed up.

You told me many times to leave your apartment.

Because you were trying to sneak out.

Yeah, because I don't want to talk to you anymore.

I don't want to talk to you.

Then why are we fighting about it?

Oh, my gosh.

Because this is not the way it's supposed to work.

If you just leave, then you just used me for sex.

But if I kick you out, then I'm a slut.

OK.

Listen.

What's the quickest way I can get out of here

and have it so you don't feel used?

Simple question.

Simple answer.

All you have to do is listen to me ask you to leave.

Then you walk three to five paces towards the door

then you stop, you turn, you look at me at roughly

a 45 degree angle, and you say, are you sure you want me to go?

And I go, you know what, why don't you come back to bed.

But then as soon as you get back in bed,

you start acting overbearing.

And I'm like, oh, this is moving too fast for me.

You should go.

But then I give you a phone number.

Guess what? It's a fake phone number.

- No way. - But you don't know that yet.

Then you leave. You close the door.

Then you count to three.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

Then you stop. You open the door again.

You come back in and you go, you know what?

Did you want me to walk your dog?

Because I'm really a cat person, but your dog is so cute.

And I really feel like I could take

him out if he needs to poop.

Two things.

One, you don't own a dog.

Two, here's the new plan.

I'm going to leave.

And if you feel used, that's your problem.

- Oh, we're doing it now? - Yeah.

Gotcha. OK.

OK, so then you leave.

And then, Oh!

Well, no!

You can come back, I guess.

Oh, no, I don't want to marry you right away.

Oh, um-- OK, you should go.

Here's my number 555-1234.

OK. Then you get the door--

And then count to 3.

1, 2, 3.

Then you come back.

You come back in.

Then you-- action!

You come back.

Oh, he's a slow counter.

1, 2, 3.