Original subtitles

Oww, James.

That last one was really painful.

Jesus.

That was a Jonathan Adler enamel shuttlecock paperweight.

Boing.

James, the neighbors.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

OK. Oh.

Let's go.

Hi.

Hi, we're your new neighbors.

We're entirely new to the area.

We need to ask you guys a question.

Why don't you like us?

We saw you do something upsetting the first day

that you got here.

Something in our yard?

- In the yard? - In the yard?

What?

What can we do in the yard?

We saw you taking caveman poops

in the yard between our houses and then

covered it up like a cat.

I think maybe we were doing pantsless yoga

and accidentally pooped.

It was probably just fertilizing the tomatoes

like the hipsters do in Brooklyn.

Geez.

We're so sorry though.

Could we start over?

We're having a chili party.

Would you like to come?

Yes, despite the fact it's chili.

I fucking hate chili, but it's too late to change it.

So you know what.

We're sorry, and let's go for the chili.

Let's go for the chili.

Bring a dessert or something.

OK.

So nice to meet you.

Friends for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

I'm just a little worried.

What if, like, everyone wants to talk about SNL the whole night,

what we do, and all that.

Yeah.

If people get too clingy, we'll have an escape plan.

I'll give you a signal. - OK.

It'll go like this.

It'll be something like--

Something like-- something like that.

Got it. OK.

Gentrification is, like, a seductive looking social moss.

Like, it spreads, and then it fools you into thinking

it's, like, a good thing.

Gentrification is-- known.

It's--

I think that--

Listen to this.

Gentrifiers should go.

Yes.

They should just start fracking.

Start fracking.

It's like it feels good.

Go frack. You know what I'm saying.

I'm sorry.

No, wow.

It sounds like you're saying people should frack.

I mean, just stop the gentrifying and frack.

Just have a frack fest is what I think Paula

is trying to summate here.

We are talking about fracking.

Having frack fest rather fracking more fracking less,

there's so many choices about it.

You know, same as gentrification--

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

These are our neighbors.

My husband invited them at the last minute and--

I think we're kidding.

- Oh, about the fracking. - You're kidding?

Shut up.

We were kidding, yes.

OK, this-- this-- this is a French person.

This-- this is good.

This is really good.

It's a good one.

It's a French person, and they did things like voila!

Proust.

Marcel Duchamp.

Duchamp-- Duchamp.

No, Edith Piaf? No, no, no.

This person is a singer?

- Carla Bruni? - No.

No, no, no.

Jaques Brel.

And then of course went conk!

We can get you all into SNL.

How about that?

We don't own a television.

I don't even know what that is.

And I actually raised this newborn's

sparrow, just tiny little thing, in my apartment in Manhattan.

Oh.

It was so beautiful.

You know, I love that.

You know I'm an animal person.

I have been hired by the White House

to find creative solutions for the feral cat

colonies that are running rampant across the United

States.

We are converting old quarries into mass feeding terraces.

I couldn't be prouder.

Just a-- just a tag--

tag onto my story, little endnote.

PS, the little bird used to sleep in my underwear in a hat,

just swaddled in some old chonies.

Oh, Mary, I wanna talk to you about Berlin.

What?

Old man-- old man in the sea?

Day by day.

Are we dumb?

Yeah.

I think there are times when you're dumb.

No, not me.

We.

What if all this time we just thought we were so funny

but we were actually just dumb?

What if people thought we were funny because we're dumb?

Oh my God.

So many kinds of dumb.

These are definitely some kinds of dumb

that I am I know for sure.

I am directions dumb.

No doubt, OK.

I am important books dumb for shizzy.

I am politics dumb in non-election years.

I'm coolness dumb I guess.

Me, too.

I'm vagina dumb.

Yes.

And I'm sports dumb.

Yes, definitely.

But I am co-dependency brilliant,

and I'm super sharp in the sack.

I'm so immense in the bedroom.

I mean, it's crazy.

Kind of feels good.

It's like freeing.

No shame.

I'm dumb.

It's better to know you're dumb than to not

know you're smart, right.

Exactly.

What we should probably do though just in case somebody

walks by the window, we should pretend

we're doing that crossword puzzle

to cover our dumb ass tracks.

That's a good idea.

OK, let's see.

Hit me.

11 down toodled in a way.

Toodled in a way.

Five letters.

Five letters.

Fight.

We are not dumb.

We're not.

We're just weird.

We now take you live to Capitol Hill

where a congressional hearing on gluten intolerance is underway.

So, Ms. Striff, what happens if you have gluten.

I get kind of bloated and, like, tired.

And I feel heavy.

Is it a gluten allergy, ma'am?

I prefer not to call it that.

An intolerance.

It's more of a--

Preference?

Sounds like it's more of a preference, Ms. Striff.

Is it just that you want to lose weight?

I can't have gluten, OK?

It makes me feel bloated, OK?

OK?

OK.

State your name and occupation.

Dan Plore-- performance artist and stay-at-home father.

What happened after the last time you ate gluten?

I my pants.

OK.

How do you know it was the gluten?

Did you eat anything else?

I did have 10 whiskey sours and a black bean burrito bomb.

Whoop, there it is.

I know it was the gluten.

It was the gluten!

Well, my girlfriend's gluten-free,

so I don't eat gluten either.

And how do you feel?

I feel much healthier, and I have more energy.

And there's a lot of gluten-free options.

Like this gluten free donut.

Please, enjoy.

How is it?

It's-- it's really good.

Need I remind you that you are under oath, sir?

I'm sorry.

I can't.

I can't do this, Beth.

It tastes like sand.

It was so grainy.

What does gluten do?

Does gluten make things less grainy?

Why didn't you have this gluten intolerance

five years ago, ma'am?

Well at the time, I was preoccupied

with my egg allergy.

You're allergic to eggs?

Not anymore.

What does that mean?

It goes away?

Mr. Yiles, what exactly is gluten?

So help me god, I have no idea.

Oh, ugh!

I forgot!

What can't you eat, sir?

Pizza, bagels, pizza bagels, wheat, rye, certain bananas.

I can't have rice--

no fun-size Snickers.

But you can eat full-size Snickers?

I'm not a doctor, Congresswoman.

Take a breath.

Take a breath.

I don't think this is real.

We'll be back in a few minutes

with this continuing investigation.

And join us tomorrow for the congressional hearing

on guys who won't stop brewing their own beer.

Ba-da-da-da-da,

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Rashida Jones.

Hi.

- Hi, how are you? - I'm really good.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming.

Please say whether the following makes you horny or super horny.

OK.

Guys with feathered hair roller skating.

Super horny.

Yeah.

Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall."

Super horny.

Speaking of.

That's weird, though.

That's weird.

Let me take that back because there's family relevance there.

Just horny, just horny.

Did your dad produce it?

Yeah.

That's weird.

Can we pass?

Let's pass.

Sweaty, sunburned guys that are plugging a headphone jack

into their iPod over and over.

Super horny.

Guys who absolutely dominate in the game "Halo."

Not horny at all.

I'm sorry.

I can't even fake the fun.

Again, the two options are horny or super horny.

Horny.

This is called tell lawyers about the movie "Hangover"

on their voicemails.

Hello, you've reached the law firm ...

Please leave your name and your number,

and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

Hi, we just wanted to tell you about a thing we saw

recently called "The Hangover."

A bunch of guys, one's getting married.

They go to Vegas for a bachelor party, and it goes nuts!

And they're like, we're missing teeth,

- and we got tigers. - Yeah

What happened last night?

And then they slowly piece it together.

And trust me, you're in for a ride.

You should see it.

You have to see it.

So you're going to be on the show

"Who Do You Think You Are?"

where they research your ancestors

and surprise you with facts about it.

Yeah.

I've got some of the info here that they found.

Your mom's dad used to tell people he could dunk,

but he couldn't.

He would say, oh, I can dunk, but I

don't feel like it right now.

So that was your mom's dad.

Wow.

And your great-great grandpa invented the move where

you say you're going to go to the bathroom,

and then you go home.

This is a closet theater we're going to do.

You're a kind of homely girl who,

once she puts her hair up and puts glasses on,

becomes a beautiful specimen.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Are you going to the prom? - Hey, Stephanie.

I don't know.

I think I might be going with someone, but I don't know who.

And it's not you.

Hey, Mike.

How-wa-watcha, Stephanie.

Don't you wish you had some of this right now?

Thanks for coming in the closet.

- Oh, you're welcome. - I had a really great time.

I had a really great time.

You're super nice and just the coolest.

You're cool.

I know what you want out of this,

and I don't know if I'm willing to give it.

Oh, OK.

I see what you're doing. OK.

You can.

You can.

No, you can.

You can.

You got it big.

Oh, God.

OK.

Thanks, Rashida.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to "Wingmen," a show where we eat wings,

talk about wings-- and sometimes,

the topics of the day.

I'm here with my wingman, Matt.

And I'm here with my wingman, Ford.

And on today's episode of "Wingmen,"

we have a special guest--

a wing enthusiast and friend of the show, Michael Antonucci.

Hello.

Michael, thank you for being here.

Oh, thanks for having me.

How do you like the wings so far?

I didn't taste it yet.

Go ahead take a bite.

Full permission granted, my friend.

Thank you.

I was waiting for permission.

So today we're eating a plate of wings from Best Wingers.

This is a traditional Buffalo sauce, a medium spicy level.

It's an accurate medium--

spice but not crazy spice.

A lot of times you get medium, it's really more of a mild.

Yeah.

This is a true medium.

Yeah.

And again, this is not a wings review show.

We're not going to write these on a score from, you know,

a to f.

They're just here for us to eat.

Yeah

The main topic of discussion for today is--

are boneless wings real wings?

Or are they something else entirely?

Because they're going to be in the same section as wings--

Yeah.

but it's going to say boneless wings.

Mm-hmm.

Where do you land on this issue?

The term wings is more of like--

it's like a bigger--

It's a catch-all?

Kind of. - Yeah.

Like, even in wings,

you have these, which aren't--

You're talking about the drumstick.

Yeah-- Yeah.

which aren't wings, Yeah.

but they're called wings.

Right.

So I think, nowadays--

Uh-huh.

boneless wings are still wings.

They're just boneless wings.

But wings is more of, like, an experience.

I would say that boneless wings are an abomination

to the wings name.

That's what I would say.

The big thing for me is that eating it off the bone

is part of the experience. - Yeah.

You've got your bone bucket, and I

think you just get a tastier your meat

when you've got the bone in it.

The flavor is coming out of the bone.

- Yeah. - OK.

And the meat's falling off the bone.

Yeah.

I feel like a boneless wing--

it's going to be a worse wing.

And I don't particularly like calling it a wing.

Call it something else.

OK.

Mike, I noticed you pull the meat off your wing

and then dip it in the sauce.

Yeah.

Why is that?

I don't know.

I think it's easier to dip if you pull it off.

I felt like you're getting your hands messier, though.

I mean, there's no doubt that you have the messiest hands

at the table. Yeah.

Can we just do a quick ...

Hand shot.

Do we all go in center cam?

I mean, it's not even close, as far as I can tell.

Well, you're going to get messy anyway.

So you might as well go all the way.

Yeah.

And I like to dip my wing.

Yeah.

And sometimes it's awkward because you

got the whole piece.

Uh-huh.

And you have to try and, like, lay it in that little cup.

I'd say that's not a bad technique.

I'd say it's kind of crazy.

So that brings us to our next segment,

which is called Wingpressions.

Mike, you said you have a wingpression.

Load it up for us. - Sure.

Who are you going to be doing an impression of?

I think I'm going to try Al Pacino.

OK.

OK.

Al Pacino, you're over at our house to watch the game,

and we just got wings delivered.

Ooh, we eat wings or what?

Hey, Al.

Yeah, we just got a bunch of wings.

Do you want some?

I could smell them all the way in the hall.

Oh, yeah.

We just unwrapped them. They just came in.

Yeah.

Mmm!

They're pretty good.

Grab you a beer-- whatever you want.

So how do you feel about boneless wings, Al Pacino?

I love them.

Do you like them more than regular wings?

Yeah!

Al, do you want to watch the game?

We're going to watch the game.

What game are we watching?

Giants and the Jets.

Yeah!

Do you like blue cheese, Al Pacino?

Yeah!

Do you like celery?

No!

Great.

- Good job-- great wingpression. - Thank you.

So we're going to play a little segment with you

called Mild, Medium, or Hot.

OK.

We're going to introduce different elements of pop

culture, and you tell us whether you think that they

are mild, medium, or hot--

and give a short explanation as to why.

Very short.

OK

Data plans.

For your phone?

Please don't ask additional questions.

I can't ask for clarification?

Hot because people gotta use their phones.

- Well, great job, Mike. - Great job, Mike.

You're doing a great job.

You got every single one right.

Oh, great.

Mike, thank you so much for being on Wingmen.

Oh, yeah.

Before you leave, we do need you to sign a contract, though,

that says you love wings.

It's a legally-binding contract.

It's a legally-binding contract.

That's fine.

OK-- this contract certifies that the above guest

loves wings and is voluntarily participating in-- this guest

will not go on any other internet

talk shows about wings, related to-- this contract certifies

that wings are the best and that the above guests

thinks that wings rule.

Great.

The rest is just legal mumbo jumbo.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about that.

So just sign it, and turn it over and--

What's today's date?

It's the 18th.

So thanks so much, again, for being on the show.

I think we had a good discussion about boneless wings.

You think they're real wings.

I think we're united.

We don't think boneless wings are real wings.

Yeah, I think that's it. - Yeah.

Bye.

Thank you.

Baby want wings!

So now my mom is getting divorced again.

And it's just like, I guess fifth time's the charm.

But like, mom-- get it together.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- hold up.

Snoop Dogg is changing his name to Snoop Lion.

He is? What?

What?

It's so dumb.

Is so weird, right?

Why is he doing that?

I don't know.

We need to ask somebody that knows about rap music.

Like Dylan McDermott.

Hey, Dylan McDermott!

Dylan McDermott, come over here!

Hey, Blake.

Hey, Kenzie.

OK.

So, Dylan McDermott, you know, like, a lot about rap music,

right?

Like, you're basically a rap expert.

Why would you possibly think that?

- I have nothing against rap-- - OK.

Hey, shut up.

We know you love rap.

Yeah.

OK, so why is Snoop Dogg changing

his name to Snoop Lion?

I don't know why he'd want to call himself any kind of snoop.

Who wants to be a snoop?

A snoop is like, a sneaky person.

Dylan McDermott, that's so not the point.

Look-- it says right here that Snoop Dogg is

changing his name Snoop Lion.

But why?

- It's like a riddle. - I hate riddles.

I hate riddles.

First of all, Dylan McDermott thinks riddles are cool.

Secondly, after a one-second cursory glance at this article,

it's clear that he's releasing a new reggae album.

Oh, reggae!

Wait, what's reggae, again?

Reggae is that music that's from Jamaica.

Jamaica.

[IMITATING JAMAICAN ACCENT] Jamaica.

Hey, man.

Come to my house.

Don't do that.

Hey, man.

I got a nice car.

Oh my god, that is hil-air.

It's not hil-air.

It's totally hil-air.

It's borderline offensive.

This is offensive, man.

Hey.

Reggae is a musical style with a long, rich history.

Like Bob Marley?

Oh my god.

You know so much about rap music.

It's cray.

Yeah, oh my god, wait.

Dylan McDermott, do you have a rapper name?

Come on.

I don't have a rapper name.

You totally need one.

Oh my god, you need one.

- No, you need one. - OK.

How about Lil' Dylan?

Yeah, or like, The Dermatologist.

Or D. McDolla.

Ooh.

What about Fresh Jazzy McDermott?

- Um-- - Well--

interesting suggestion.

I'll be like, yo, friends.

I'm Fresh Jazzy McDermott.

Oh my god.

Are you going to rap for us right now?

No, don't be--

that's stupid.

Just a little rap.

Just a little rap. - Seriously?

Yeah.

Please?

For you guys?

Pleeease.

Pretty pleeease.

If you ask nice.

Pleeease.

All right. Yes!

All right, wait. I'll give you a beat.

You ready? - OK.

OK.

Yo, I'm Dylan McDermott.

One type of crab is called a hermit!

Crabs are things that live in the sea.

They have little claws to pinch you and me!

I don't know what crabs really eat!

Sometimes it's seaweed.

Sometimes it's me!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab wrap!

Crab wrap!

Crab wrap in the USA!

Oh my god!

Dylan McDermott, you're the best rapper alive!

Oh my god!

Oh my God!

For my homies!

That was amazing!

Oh my god.

Best rapper ever!

Come back.

Oh my god.

Where'd he go?

It was a dream.

Oh my god.

I think that was a dream.

That wasn't real life, right?