Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Sugar Boy!

I'm a boy and I eat a lot of sugar!

Want to hear a story?

I'm going to tell you a story.

It's a real cool, kick and punch story called

"Chip Lockder, Crime Doctor."

There's a big muscly guy named Chip Lockder,

and he was the strongest guy in the world,

probably even stronger than my dad.

He got a doctor's degree in face punches and dropped kicks.

He can nunchuck.

He can karate, and he could even play the electric violin.

His job is to punch and kill bad guys.

And whenever he saw someone doing crime,

he would point at them really hard,

and they would always do what he would said.

Sometimes he would say something doctor related--

turn your head and cough.

And whenever he would fix a crime,

a girl would get naked for him.

So he always made sure to fix plenty of crime.

Oh, yeah!

One day, Chip saved a girl from a crime,

and when she dropped her dress, he

noticed that he liked her face even more than her hooters,

so they got married the next day and spent

the night rubbing their bodies together until they yelped.

The next day, Chip was looking for lawbreakers on the news

when he heard about a real bad guy named, Skud Wilkins, who

was wreaking some major havoc-- like blowing

up buildings and kicking dogs.

This made Chip so mad that his face turned red,

then he threw his Fruity Pebbles on the carpet, ripped his shirt

and popped some balloons.

So he went on the porch looking for this guy,

asking store owners, taxi drivers, and grandmas,

but they were all idiots.

So he got on his computer, and after looking

at naked girls for a little while,

he found this guy's address.

So he got on his moped and rode as fast

as he could to the dungeon warehouse crime factory,

did a backflip and kicked open the door.

Inside, there were a bunch of minions playing cards,

and it looked like the biggest idiots he'd ever seen.

So he punched one in the face, kick one in the chest,

punched the other two in the butt cracks.

Then he kicked in the door to Skud's office,

pointed at him really hard and said a cuss.

.

But he's an adult, so it was OK,

but then Skud took out a tranquilizer dart

and spit it into Chip's neck, and he said owie!

When he woke up, he was strapped to a table with a laser

beam pointed at his wiener.

Skud said, why are you trying to kill me?

Because you're a bad guy, so what?

I hurt and kill people, that's what I like.

Well, stop doing it.

No!

Also, your new wife is my hostage.

Oh, man!

I won't let her go unless you give

me a whole crate of Skittles.

That's impossible.

Nuh-uh.

Yes, huh!

So Chip tried tp break free but couldn't.

Then they had no idea.

He thought about a naked girl for a second

and popped a boner so big that it split the lase beam in two,

and he broke free of the shackles,

and he cupped his hand, and threw a fart in his face.

Skud was so stunned by it, Chip had time to upper cut

his head clean off.

Then he grabbed the girl, gave her a kiss, touch her hooter.

And then rode his moped so fast that he went into outer space

and high fived an alien!

Sugar boy!

Sugar boy.

Oh!

Good morning.

Hey, you.

Hey, You.

Oh, it's late.

That's-- So what's-- what's your-- what's your plan today?

What's on your agenda?

I was thinking maybe we get brunch?

Brunch, brunch, brunch.

Fun.

The thing, today, I got--

I think I have a doctor--

I've got a doctor's appointment today.

Oh, on a Sunday?

It's a Sunday doctor.

Sunday doctor?

His-- I'm sorry, his name is Dr. Sunday.

I know it's confusing, but he's a-- he's a dear

close personal friend of mine.

He said he'd see me today, so--

Oh, you seem healthy though.

I have herpes.

What?

Herpes.

There was one--

Oh, OK.

Oh, my God.

What if the condom tore?

I meant-- I meant herpes--

Oh, my God.

Did I say-- what did I say again?

You just explicitly and clearly said herpes.

No, no, I see-- no, no, no, no, that's the big-- that--

I see what's happened.

I didn't mean-- I didn't mean herpes, herpes.

Herpes, herpes?

I didn't mean that.

Dr. Sunday is a kooky guy, and he gives fun

acronyms to all his diagnoses.

Mm-hm I didn't mean that.

Dr. Sunday is a kooky guy and he gives fun

acronyms to all his diagnoses.

His fun acronym is herpes?

Yeah to keep it light.

H-E-R-P-E-S. Hasn't, H--

Take your time.

especially received or possibly be entracted--

- Entracted is not a word. - Yes, it is.

Definitely not a word.

Google it.

And the S stands for herpes.

The S stands for herpes?

Why wouldn't he make the H stand for herpes?

It would fall apart if he did that.

So Dr. Sunday's official diagnosis

is, let me get this right, hasn't especially received

or possibly entracted herpes.

Bingo.

It's fun.

It's fun.

OK, you listen to me carefully, you child.

I know that you're lying to me.

You slipped up and now you're coming up with all

these bad acronyms to cover it.

But this is a big deal.

You cannot lie to me about not having herpes.

OK.

What if I was lying about having herpes in the first place?

You don't have a doctor's appointment.

It doesn't matter if there is.

Um, I have an appointment.

You know what?

I hope you get herpes.

I hope you get them deep in your dick.

Let's hang out again soon.

What do we as women really

think about our appearance?

The answers might surprise you.

These three women are about to take

part in Dove True Beauty experiment,

and they have no idea.

How do you feel about your appearance?

Good.

Pretty good.

There's definitely room for improvement.

Oh, I feel OK about it.

I have good days, bad days.

Yeah, that bad.

Oh, I have a phone call.

And I have to take this, but I'll be right back.

There's a mirror just right there.

OK.

The women think that this is part of the interview

because we told them that it is.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

What the fuck!

Wow, you must hate what you see

when you look in the mirror.

Is that supposed to be me?

Because I would never believe that that was me.

This is not a mirror.

It's not a mirror.

You look in the mirror, and what you see

is a disgusting zoo animal.

I don't think that I look like a zoo animal.

But is that the real you?

No.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

Do you feel unattractive?

I bet you do.

No, I don't.

That's a man in a gorilla suit.

Animal in the room.

I want to leave, please.

I don't want the $25.

I'd like to go.

Is this the door?

Is this a panel?

Again, the women have no idea.

What would you say if I told you that that was not your face

in the mirror--

that was a gorilla man in the mirror and not your face?

I'd say yeah.

You thought that was you, and you totally fell for it.

No!

No!

No!

What is wrong with everyone?

What is wrong with everyone here?

I never thought that was me in the mirror.

Not once.

Well, you can thank Dove.

OK, just thank-- thank Dove, #truebeauty.

No.

Just thank them Dove.

We showed you using science.

No.

Dove, you fell for our weird psychology experiment

and it showed you you're not actually a hideous monster.

So where's our Nobel Peace Prize or whatever?

Hi, and welcome to today's episode of "Cocktails."

My guest today, you've seen her on the office and on tour

with Jane Lynch, the lovely Kate Flannery.

- Hey, that's me. - That is you.

Cheers.

Crazy. I'll drink.

Thank you.

So if anything I say to you or ask you

makes you uncomfortable, just use today's safe word,

which is chicken wings.

So I'm going to list a bunch of qualities,

and I want you to tell me if they're turn on or turn off

and you could say why.

Pinatas.

Turn on.

I love to bat the out of something.

Young Matt Dillon.

Yes, turn on.

Yes.

Old Matt Dillon.

Drives with his knees.

I wouldn't say it's a turn on.

If you don't have arms, that's a different story.

But if you have the arms, why not?

Just go ahead and use them.

Absolutely.

Who gave you your sex talk and how did it go?

My father.

One time, my father gave me some, like, random speech.

And he said, keep going to church.

None of that casting couch crap.

That was as close as we ever came talking about sex.

That sounds so confusing.

I just unlearned everything I know about sex.

I was wondering if maybe to, like, build up my self-esteem,

if I could walk past you and if you could catcall

me some things that maybe weren't about my appearance,

but maybe just about who I am and my inner beauty.

OK.

You are the high intellect.

You are very sensitive.

You seem like a very nice person.

What do you think is the biggest

mistake men make during sex?

Just being there?

Coming too soon.

I was-- the trying too hard thing.

The-- whatever porn pose you're interested in, like maybe not.

Put it on the shelf.

Tell me when to stop.

Is that the size of my vagina?

What's happening?

No, this is the size of a--

Stop.

Got it.

I think we should have a dirty talk contest.

First person who laughs loses.

I'm warning you, I'm really bad.

Take me .

I win.

I was just wondering if maybe you could show

me some pointers on my kissing.

You need to be much harder with your upper lip and much

softer with your lower lip, but move.

Move.

Keep moving.

Do you want him or not?

Go for it.

What are you doing?

Kate, it has been so lovely chatting with you

and getting to know you.

Thank you.

I wanted to say thank you with this parting gift.

This is my book of dirty talk.

Every time I say something and it goes well,

I write it down here.

And now it's for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

I wanted to share the ...

Oh, my gosh.

Keep doing what you're doing.

It feels pretty dang good.

Your crotch is very smooth to the touch.

Is that normal?

Thanks, everyone, for watching.

The Spawtlight team already exposed

hundreds of Catholic priests who are molesting

kids for over 30 years.

And what else could possibly be wrong with Boston?

Everything.

Spawtlight.

WOMAN 2 [ON PHONE] Hello.

My neighbor bought a Honda CRV.

And now, he's big timing me.

Now, does he think that's an impressive car to own?

Well, he should.

You think it's an impressive car?

Spawtlight.

I just saw a queer riding a Jeep.

My daughter's is drowning

in a bowl of clam chowder.

Jesus! They're all animals.

And it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Every day innocent people believe the lie that Boston

is a charming American city.

We got to tell them the truth.

It is a culture-less suburb full of 20 story

office buildings, Irish pubs, and self-righteous white

people.

That's our story.

Oh, Jesus!

What?

Boston is happening to kids.

I know a kid who grew up in Boston.

He was really boring.

Don't you see?

They're all safety schools.

I remember he--

he kept whispering that he's legitimate subway system.

Gordon, no.

It's just a silly, little trolley.

Yeah, I see that now.

It's not your fault.

He didn't have a car.

Actually, it's pronounced car.

A car.

Try it again. Car.

Car.

Oh, it's awful.

Wahlburgers!

Where do you find a good meal in this town?

Oh, my God.

People in Boston think they're contributing to society.

Damn it!

Why do we live in this city?

You've known all along that Boston was a pathetic shit

town and you covered it up.

Of, course I did.

You want those losers leaving Boston moving in next door

to you, huh?

Let them talking to your kids, teaching

them that it's OK to wear undershirts

and cargo shorts in public?

Listen to their Dropkick Murphy's casual racism.

No.

No.

You know what?

I would have done the same thing.

Spawtlight.

Can I hear it, Spawtlight?

Spat.

Why are you saying it like that?

Craters give you jitters.

Vermin got you squirming.

Call me Humane Jane at "Pop Goes the Weasel."

I won't kill anything.

She seems nice.

I just hope she doesn't hurt him.

Paula, her name is Humane Jane.

Humane Jane.

It's not Cruella McCormack.

Give me that number.

Runs for 30 years, we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

"Hudson Valley Ballers."

What?

What?

Hello, ma'am.

I'm Humane Jane.

Fact.

Slicin maybe populating your home,

but we got to stop them in their outdoor mating layer.

Do you know what that means?

They're-- no.

All right.

Please be aware of this treacherous rock formation.

Oh, thank-- thank you.

Woo!

Wo! Woo!

Woo!

As soon as I find their sex den, they're going down.

You better mean going down in the sexual sense

and not as in being killed.

I'm Paula, and I heart animals.

And I trust that you're going to remove

those creatures in a way that does not

harm them or humiliate them.

Do you hear me?

Girl, totally.

Do you care to join me in an invocation before we begin?

It would be my honor.

Dear goddess of the tiny fuzzies,

please guide my rough calloused hands

that I might remove the Slicin from this property

and the surrounding properties without bringing

harm to them or their families.

We're just going to need some saltines for bait.

Oh, bait them with some salty snacks

and throw a cocktail in their face.

She better at the hell not be throwing

something at their faces.

My roommate is an animal nut bag.

Back in college, she gave a mouse CPR.

Put the whole head in her mouth and blew.

Didn't you get a gum hardening disease?

Yes I did, but it was worth it.

I just can't eat corn on the cob.

Fact.

I'm not going to hurt you a little Slicin.

I love them.

In fact, sometimes I even adopt them

if one really catches my fancy.

Check that out.

Good gliders.

Is he dead?

He's not dead.

He's just chilling.

Being cool when they're alive.

Act a little .

Do you happen to have some canned air on your person?

I always do.

Thank you so much.

Fact.

Slicin have a real food boner for saltines.

Who doesn't?

And when that doesn't work, the only thing they like more

is hot gossip.

I love it.

So now I'm going to go over there and dish the dirt.

Hope some of them want to join in.

Shady.

Then what are you going to do?

Then I do my humane thing.

Why did you just-- why did you just wink at him?

Because I'm into guys with micro pins.

Chill out, bitch. - Oh, my God.

She can see through gene material.

I'm off put.

Yeah, I can.

Now's the time that I use my humanely

taxidermied Slicin that I got right here

to attract the other Slicin.

Did you hear about Veronica's husband

down at the car dealership?

He couldn't find a charger for his electric car.

So he went and talked to his manager.

Manager said he'd get back to him.

Get back to him!

Buy my beak of Sally.

Well, I think that the situation is

that he's probably not going to hear anything for two

to three days. Two to three days?

You've got to be fudging me.

This gossip is as dull as a hotel gym.

James, it's working.

Look.

Oh, you're cute.

There you are.

You're so cute.

You're like a little Pinocchio and a little mink.

Paula, why do you fall in love with everything that moves?

What are you going to do with him now?

I'm going to spray them with my humane spray

and they're going to fall asleep their eyes open.

Why did you just wink at him again?

What was that one for?

You know what?

I'm not buying you.

You come with me.

I think we need to talk.

Have a little humane time out.

Excuse me, James.

This is my baby.

I didn't grow him in my body.

I grew them in my heart.

But I want you to know his tendery velvetness.

Isn't he amazing, fellow animal lover?

He's, kind of, stinky, but he's fine I guess.

Fact.

William is the Truth Basset.

If you're holding William, you can't tell a lie.

Humane Jane, were you going to kill those Slicin

and make a fur coat?

No, I was not.

I was possibly going to borrow some fur for a spring shrug.

And do you think that fur makes you cooler or something?

No, Paula.

Just hotter and more popular at the flea market.

Pop those tags.

And do you think that this little baby

thinks well of that about fur?

Do you think that this baby thinks that fur is cool?

He's looking to me for protection.

He does know to fear me.

It's like he thinks I'm his me match.

Let it in.

Oh, God!

Let it in.

My hearts full of feelings.

Open that heart.

Oh, God, William.

Like an origami swan.

Oh, God!

Let it out.

Oh, God!

I've got a firework inside me.

Let the fireworks go.

Let the love burst.

Close your peepers, lay you down.

Wear your dreams just like a crown.

And William, never trust anyone who calls herself Humane Jane.

So it's just right this way.

Right in here.

This is it.

There are more rooms down the hall too.

Oh, sure.

This is the Pixar sad lab.

Yeah, we work on discovering new ways of making our audiences

cry as much as possible.

It's like the Human Genome Project.

But instead of mapping DNA, we're

trying to make people sob so hard that they lose their shit.

Oh, yeah, we're trying to make people real sad on purpose.

I love it.

Tissue sample.

OK.

So we're constantly researching

characters and storylines in order

to maximize sadness potential.

How do you guys feel about a rabbit

who can't hear very well?

That's sad.

A boy who's reunited with his dog

that he thought was dead?

Sad.

Sad balloon.

That's, kind of, sad.

Color yellow.

Oh, that's sad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We found that our ideal formula

to really get audience's tears jerking is to ambush them.

For instance, when you're watching up, if you're thinking

it's a kid's movie, what could go wrong?

The balloons, and then wham!

Miscarriage and a dead wife.

Can we make the eyes a little bit bigger?

Yeah.

OK.

Oh, this is good.

I'm feeling very bad for this guy.

Oh, he is very sad.

Let's make a movie.

I'm Eric, lead researcher on character development.

You know Nemo's weird Finn?

This guy?

That was me.

I'd say a big breakthrough came with "Monsters Inc."

We developed a scene in the end where

tucking a little girl into bed and she says,

kitty.

And it's always says, kudos to Cornell.

Yeah, that was our moon landing.

And that's a break room if you need a break.

And here's the music analysis--

You can't go in there.

Well, when I see someone walk out of a Pixar movie

and their face is swollen, noses run, I get to say,

I do that to them.

And 'cause now we're like super rich.

Oh, yeah.