Original subtitles

"Paulilu Mixtape."

Sketch comedy.

Hello, Batman.

It ends now, Bane.

It does.

Soon your precious Gotham will be in ashes, as will you.

Holy showdown, Batman!

What the fuck?

Good thing I caught up with you.

I kept yelling at you to slow down

because my slipper fell off.

I guess you didn't hear me.

I told you to stay in the car.

I'm glad he's here.

I'm going to enjoy ripping out his spine.

Holy mumble-mouth, Batman!

Somebody's got a mouth full of marbles.

What's the matter, Bane?

Bat got your tongue?

You might be laughing now, you scoundrel.

But wait until I unleash my flim-flam.

Your what?

These!

Flim-flam.

Go sit in the Batmobile and wait there.

Oh, I got you, Batman.

The old sit and wait.

All part of the plan.

Dude?

His parents were killed.

They were trapeze artists.

That explains a lot.

I know.

Prepare to die.

Batman, quick.

I need the keys to the Batmobile.

We're parked in a red zone.

So?

Holy meter maid, Batman!

That's like a $90 ticket.

The cops don't ticket the Batmobile.

Plus I'm a billionaire.

Gee Willikers, Batman.

Somebody certainly woke up on the wrong side of the Batcave

this morning.

Get out!

All right, already.

Say goodbye to your life.

Triple Salchow.

Before you mess with Batman, you gotta get

through all 109 pounds of me.

Robin, the boy--

Bite him on the ears.

Pow!

Bam!

Boom!

That kid is really distracting!

Zow!

I know.

I'm sorry.

Pow!

His voice is so grating!

Bam!

Whack!.

You know what, let's just stop!

I give up!

I can't take it anymore.

I'll leave Gotham. You win.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

You obviously have enough on your plate.

Where will you go?

Florida.

I'll start a protein shake bar.

Good luck with that.

Bam.

Ow.

Another victory, Batman!

The dynamic duo does it again!

Can we get ice cream on the way home?

Sure.

Yaay!

Hello, little puppy.

I am your friend.

Delicious butt on that one.

Bruno Mars.

Bruno, can I ask you a question?

Are you single, Bruno Mars?

What is this, a runway? Who is this guy, a super model?

Handsomest guy I've ever seen in my life.

- Are you single? - No.

Argh!

Are you single?

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, I'm not saying it for personal reasons.

Although I would love to date you, but I'm married.

We're doing a dating game. - OK.

And I would love to set you up with the man of your dreams.

Why not?

Yeah!

All right, so we've just brought up all of our contestants

from the street.

The bachelorette has not yet seen any of the bachelors.

She's going to ask the men a series of questions,

and based on their answers, we'll pick her favorite--

Mate.

The only thing we hate more than terrorists

is loneliness.

All right, let's get started, gentlemen.

OK, we have our lovely bachelorette here

ready to play. What Is your name for everybody?

- It's Nadine. - Nadine.

Nadine was about to grab the microphone.

She's getting very excited.

Dave, can you introduce us to our bachelors?

Gladly.

Bachelor number one, where are you from?

I'm from the Bronx, New York.

Hello.

Bachelor number two, where are you from?

- Holland. - Holland?

Yeah.

I thought he was going, "Holla, holla."

What do you call the little kids in Holland?

Letmenzer.

Letmenzer?

Bachelor number three, where are you from?

Ugh, Nassau County.

Oh, Long Island represents.

My favorite thing in the world is sushi.

How would you ask me out?

Well, I'm a sushi guy myself.

So take her out to one of the best sushi restaurants.

End the night with, like, a movie or something like that.

What movie? - Movie of her choice.

You're not making that decision.

I think I would ask her to come

to my place and order sushi and then watch a good movie.

I don't think it matters what he says with that accent.

What movie?

You heard a "Goodman Notebook?"

You look kind of, like, Ryan Gosling.

Oh, wow.

It's like I'm looking into his eyes right now.

Yeah, you want my autograph, maybe?

I think he wants more than just an autograph.

- Yeah? - We're OK.

Let's, yeah, keep going.

Describe your face to me as objectively as possible.

I'm Black.

That's one way to do it.

Caramel-colored at that, I guess.

Who's next?

A young Scott Baio and Tony Danza.

So if you've ever seen, like, "Who's the Boss"

or "Charles in Charge."

That was a fantastically accurate description.

We're on a date and things are going well.

I've even invited you back to my place.

As I slip off my bra, I tell you I have ties to ISIS.

How do you react?

You know, I don't do the whole pre-marital sex thing.

You don't do it at all?

No.

Holy shit.

What about mouth play?

It's an obstacle but I guess you just kind

of have to deal with it.

You can't turn down a good mouth play.

What would you do?

She might have a bomb strapped to her.

No, no, she's naked.

You see that there are no bombs.

Well, it could be somewhere.

She has ties to ISIS and I have ties to living longer.

Without being funny, please demonstrate

how you sound when you orgasm.

I'll just get you guys started with an example, just

so you know.

I can verify that that's correct.

Yeah.

This is a typical Dutch one.

This is a cultural experience.

Who knew?

For those of you out there, his mom

is in the studio audience, and she just heard that.

This vacation is gonna get a little weird after today.

Bachelor number one.

I'm gonna go away.

Were the first two sounds just you

struggling with the question or is that actually how you--

No, that's it.

Number three?

I can't-- meow.

We're going to edit that later to ask

what your orgasm sounds like and then

we're gonna put the meow in.

We've come to the end of the game,

and it's time for you to decide who you like the best.

So, I ask you, which of these three gentlemen

would you like to spend your life with?

I'm gonna choose bachelor number two.

Bachelor number two.

Someone's not looking for long-term.

She's looking for a short-term vacay fling.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, very European.

Oh, three of them. I like it.

Every time we bring a lovely couple together,

we like to share the first dance with them.

How about you hug his--

just hug him like this.

My middle, and I do this.

Arch over her.

Now we're gonna dance. All right.

Gentlemen, you wanna come in here in the center?

You get behind me.

I want you behind me.

Hold on to me tightly.

A little closer.

All right, we wanna thank you all for joining us.

We've made another love match here on our show.

Until next time.

Whoo, James, it's so authentic in here.

Paula, it is almost as if people

plan something then come to this place and buy stuff to do it.

Oh, and then they take these things

and they fix or make something with that stuff.

Like-- What is this?

It's a three-knot roof brush.

No.

It's so specific in its purpose.

I'm so jealous of it.

I'm taking this.

I mean, I'm gonna pay for it. But--

- Yeah. - You know what we should do?

Yes, we should go back to New York City

and leave this vivid dream, come on.

No, we are going to design a room, each of us,

around a theme, like, a reality show.

Let's go pick out some paint colors.

Sounds good.

Oh, I'm so jazzed up.

Friends for 30 years,

we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

Good morning.

Morning.

We are designing rooms in our BnB.

Your Boobs and Butts Club?

No, Bed and Breakfast.

Straight countryman.

Downtown Obamaville.

We were wondering, when you paint--

Mhm.

How does one get paint can to wall?

Yeah, I mean, we know the paint's in the can, of course,

and we look at the wall.

But how do we connect the two?

Yeah, do you take out the lid and just

toss the can at the wall?

I know what you're thinking, and you're right.

We're from the city.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, we're brilliant,

but simple things perplex us.

OK, the first thing you're gonna do

is you wanna pry the lid loose, OK?

You're gonna use a screwdriver.

Get it under the lip there, and you wanna rotate--

Sure.

the can while you're doing it.

So you're not doing in one spot, you're doing--

it's more of a wiggle.

Or you jiggle it.

You kind of rotate the can as you jiggle or wiggle.

You wiggle the screwdriver--

You put the lid back on to the can.

Otherwise, what happens, the paint gets dry.

You're still with me?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Pretty great to learn.

Totally listening.

Now, very slowly, very carefully, you're

gonna pour the paint from the can

into what's called the paint pan, a paint pan.

And now at this point, you're gonna need three things--

a paintbrush, a trimmer, and a roller, all right?

Yep.

Are you two a couple?

Oh, god, no.

Good Lord, no.

Good to know.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Thank you, I'm flattered, but we're just old, aging homos.

If you don't dig me, you don't dig me.

You can tell me you don't dig me instead

of jerking my frigging chain.

Hey, we have a vermin problem, and it's got a sharp nose

that's long and dry.

What is it?

Yeah, we were wondering what you think that is.

Do you have it's scatter?

Of course, I have it's scatter.

All right, good.

Gross, Paula.

I keep my Carol Ford trifled wallet in that purse.

Sulfuric, high acidity.

Mhmm, I know exactly what this is.

In these parts, there is a creature that is so strange, so

mysterious it has no name.

It's called "The Slicer."

This is way better than the paint store,

but seriously, I am bored still.

It's just like melatonin with legs.

It's really rough to get through.

Yeah, I know.

You wanna call her up.

She's great.

I boned her in the back of my car after bowling league once.

She relocates them humanely.

Oh, nice.

Humane Jane.

I will love that because I don't want

them to feel any embarrassment or anxiety, insecure--

Oh, my God, Paula.

Enough with all of this animal stuff, Paula.

I mean-- Women, right?

They got their boobs inside their blouses.

Oh, they're-- they're prolly country queer men.

Dax, well, these-- these guys run a Bed and Breakfast too.

Hi.

What's the name of your BnB?

Actually, it's a sustainable slumber rat

with a communal morning table.

It's called Butt and Bra.

It was featured in "Magazine."

Oh, cool.

What magazine?

"Magazine."

The "Magazine."

I mean, you've heard of it, right?

I read it on the "Shertoon."

So how's business?

I haven't noticed many cars over there.

That's because everyone flies in on copters.

Do you two dolls have any tips for us maybe?

Pour a minimaliser with shine control.

Thanks for the wisdom.

Cool.

Asterisk.

We'll see you two on the ice.

Asterisk.

Eff off, country queers.

Eff the eff off, effers.

Lord.

Paint brushes down.

Stop the work.

I call this the Rainbow Bridge Suite.

This is where I celebrate the short lives, but long

tails of all the dear souls with whom I have shared my heart.

I think that I nailed it.

A lot of cats.

So much love.

Welcome to the Trouser Destination Suite.

Bapple.

Mapplethorpe's are pricey so I purchased

these off the internet and I photoshopped out the ashtrays.

Very creative, James.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You might wanna move that one over a little

because there's a hole in the wall.

Paula, that hole is the glory hole.

James, no glory holes or my parents

can't stay in this room.

Cruella, welcome.

How are you?

Oh, perfectly wretched, Darling.

Wonderfully horrid.

It must be 100 billion degrees in here.

Oh, perhaps I can take your coat for you.

No one touches my furs!

OK, I was just suggesting you could hang it on the coat rack.

Sorry, darling, I get a little testy with my furs.

There, that's better.

Is it that--

You're wearing another coat.

Do you mind if I smoke?

Yes.

Is that Cannabis?

Oh, yes, darling.

It helps me come down from the crystal.

That kind of explains the dye job.

Right!

Ouch!

I'll never do drugs again, Joseph.

Mhh, I only get high on Jesus.

Lame.

It's actually pretty powerful stuff.

So tell me, darling.

Is it true that all dogs go to heaven?

- Yes. - Then I want in.

How much will it take?

No, no, no.

You can't just waltz into the great kennel in the sky

after having threatened to turn 99 puppies

into half a dozen coats.

Oh, darling, coats are so last season.

I have better things in mind like Boston

Terrier tearaway tracksuits, and Schnauzer trousers and boxer--

mhm, boxers.

What about, like, a Snuggie made out of a Puggle?

Oh, my God, I love it!

We could split the profits.

20-80. I could see it now.

Heavenly Furs featuring Corgi corsets, and bloodhound gowns,

and Poodle panties.

Or a Golden Retriever hat.

Maybe.

We'll have Doberman Pinscher pantsuits, and--

and Pomeranian Ray-Bans, and Cocker Spaniel

Spanish cocktail dresses!

We'll be rich, I tell you!

Rich!

What do you think?

Um, I think the only place you'll find that is

on a clearance rack in Hell.

I'll go to Hell--

I'm listening.

if you give me just one dog.

Which one?

Scooby-- Doo.

I know he's up there, and he'd be perfect for my new line

of urban wear.

Scooby-Doo Rags.

May I ask, why do you laugh so much?

Oh, yes, it's because I can't cry.

Josh, if you don't read my instruction,

would you just take your right hand and tap your ear?

Should I demonstrate that?

Yeah, so just tap it a couple of times, like-- like, come again.

Yeah, exactly.

That'll be my cue to give it to you again.

Copy that.

OK, buddy, don't fuck up.

All right, why wont--

I won't-- I won't fuck up.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you? - Fine, how are you?

Good. I'm Josh.

Nice to meet you. Julia.

Hi, Julia. Nice to meet you.

You must be Beth. - Yeah.

Hi, Beth. You have awesome hair.

Thank you.

And so you guys have a really interesting story about,

like, how you met, right?

So you're gay, you're straight.

It was Tinder, right?

How did you switch over to girls on Tinder?

Um, it's so-- it's literally like a flick of your finger.

Yeah, it's a flick of the finger, all right.

So at first, I was like, "Let's just see pretty girls."

Like, yeah, it was like a very late-night, 2 AM type of thing.

Yeah.

Then I-- and then she responded.

I have a question for Beth.

Did she ever date guys?

And had you ever dated a guy, like, briefly?

I do want to thank my ex-girlfriend

because she dated a guy for, like, four

years and they never had sex.

I dated a guy for, like, six months

and I was, like, avoiding that situation altogether.

What was worse in your family's eyes?

Like, telling them that, you know, you're now dating a woman

or that you're dating a musician?

And she was your first girl, anything?

Not even in college?

Even look sideways, "Uh, no."

I was-- I'm more of covering the clues.

Do you feel like you have to train Julia?

Oh, God, no.

I thought she was joking. - Really?

- Yeah. - Really?

So, like, it was just chemistry right off the bat.

It was just-- It was a perfect fit.

Yeah.

Time for the Cone of Silence.

I'm gonna need the Cone of Silence.

It's kind of, like, an isolation booth.

There are your headphones.

Like--

Kind of-- kind of, like, the idea.

Here it comes. - Ooh.

Oh, my God.

OK.

All right, so, Julia, you're gonna

put-- you're gonna put this on.

And Beth, we're gonna ask you a couple of questions, OK?

Let me get out of here.

We'll switch backs in there.

I'm still in the hat, right?

You guys are doing great.

Oh, thank you. - Incredible.

You guys are doing great.

When you identify yourself as gay

and you date someone who dated men and dated men different,

is there ever any fear that they're

not completely signed on?

Well, that's exactly what all of my friends told me.

They're like, "What are you doing?"

I'm like, "nothing."

I mean, I really like her. let's see if it works out.

I mean, I'm not saying this to be a jerk,

but she's like a smoking hot woman.

I know. And beautiful.

Aren't you worried about some, like, Austrian ski pro comes

in and whoosh, she's gone?

Um, if she went back to the guy,

I would be a little more hurt than if she dated a woman.

Why do you think that is?

It's kind of, like, something I can't provide.

Like a man has something I physically

cannot do anything about.

But you could, but that would be a whole--

Sort of--

That part, though.

What does your family say?

About me dating a girl?

Yeah.

You know, the classic.

Is it a phase?

What do you mean? Is this forever?

Could you denounce?

I don't think liking girls is a phase.

What did your ex-boyfriend say to you?

I mean, one of them is like, "This is not real.

This is not.

You're not gonna end up with a woman.

Get real."

Like, I didn't know there was such

a stigma against bisexuals, but apparently, no one likes you.

Like, the straight people don't get you.

The gay people are like, "What the hell?"

Is that true? - Yeah.

Weird, wow.

It's like--

I mean, all my gay friends--

I have a lot of gay male friends--

and-- - They don't trust her.

No.

Because I have a very strong instincts

and impulses about people, and I wanna say

that you don't reveal easily.

I'm working on that.

You know, that's what you need to work on.

- Say it again. - No, lots of therapy now.

You need to--

Let her in.

Let people in for a while.

I'm so glad I had to say that over and over to her

because she's at the point where I can't say it anywhere.

It means nothing.

Yeah, because you're never gonna do better than her.

She is lovable.

We're gonna finish on one thing.

Yeah.

Look each other in the eye and don't look away.

Name one quality, Beth, that you really, really love about her.

She's so funny and caring.

Your turn.

She's the most dependable person.

Whenever I need her, she's always there.

So all the men in your life were a piece of shit

you couldn't rely on them?

They really kept struggling to find themselves.

Were they?

But I found Beth.

Thank you.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People."

Today's topic is music.

Any old idiot, even you, loves music.

But it takes a smart person to love music in a way that

takes all the fun out of it.

Whether you're at a concert or a used record store,

especially at a used record store,

you'll interact with smart people and music quite a bit.

So here's how you can prepare.

For starters, if a smart person asks you what kind of music

you like, don't respond with a basic genre

like rock, even if the kind of music you like is rock.

The more specific, the better.

Indie rock is good.

Louisiana swamp pop is great.

Also, remember that it's not enough for smart people

to like a band.

They have to explain why they like a band.

And the answer can't be because it

sounds good, even though that's the only answer that

actually matters.

Excessive lyrical and cultural analysis

allows smart people to defend their music choices,

which no one was challenging in the first place.

Also, the more mainstream success a band has,

the less a smart person will like them.

And, yes, that's a cliche, but a cliche

is just a true phrase that's achieved mainstream success.

You idiots won't understand this part,

but uncommon time signatures are especially

intoxicating to smart people, finally achieving

their lifelong goal of injecting math into music,

and that brings us to classical and jazz--

two dead art forms that only smart people like.

Both genres light up nearly all the pleasure

centers in a smart person's brain.

They're obscure, hard to enjoy, and you

can study them in college.

If you find yourself going to a concert with a smart person,

do not wear that band's T-shirt.

Showing genuine affection for an artist

by wearing the most appropriate attire for the evening

is as horrific to a smart person as shooting their dog

right in front of them.

In smart people culture, the proper way

to show a band how much you like them

is to request unreleased songs that even

the band doesn't like.

Remember, they chose not to release them.

If all this is making your head spin,

remember that you, as an idiot, have one genre where

you will fit in perfectly--

heavy metal.

Heavy metal causes even smart people

to gleefully embrace their idiot side because it's

hard to get intellectual while giving

yourself voluntary whiplash.

So to wrap things up, idiots, the way you enjoy music is

perfectly fine no matter how much smart

people insist that it isn't.

So rock on, idiot, or as smart people would say,

Louisiana swamp pop, rock on.