Original subtitles

"7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Michael O'Brien.

I'm here today with Fred Armisen.

- Hello. - Fred.

- How you doing, Mike. - Welcome.

- Thank you. - "Portlandia"--

Yeah.

True or false?

I would say false.

Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah.

Yeah.

That one wasn't 'cause of "7 Minutes in Heaven."

I just got really charmed.

You used to open for Wilco before you were on "Saturday

Night Live" and everything.

You were doing a comedy opening for a band.

Was the crowd every like--

No, they-- they-- the crowd--

I remember looking at them and then looking up at me like why

are you doing this to us.

They were-- I felt like the vibes were

like let's just ride this out.

Let him--

Maybe he's sick.

Let him do this thing.

You famously claim to have invented doggy style.

Yeah.

It doesn't-- that doesn't seem to be possible.

How do you justify?

Because what I meant to say was I

invented it of this generation.

Oh.

Everything's been done since Roman times but--

Right.

My thing is, like, our version now I invented this sort of--

You were the first one to kind of do the--

- Absolutely. - Current.

It was more of a joke at first and be

more like let's bring back those times,

and then no one was familiar with it.

And I was like, well, this is what it is.

I'm kind of psyched and it's weird and it's huge and--

Oh, people love it.

Especially now that-- well, the thing that freaks me out

is when it's other countries.

This is closet sound with Fred Armisen.

Just don't worry so much about--

No, I--

Like that.

OK.

OK, da da.

Oh, this is--

Did you call me da da?

Mmm hmm.

All right.

Is that cool?

Hi, da da.

Yeah, it's cool.

This is unverifiable impressions.

How about we won't know if it's good or not,

but the last male hooker you solicited.

The last one?

Like a quick impression of it.

That's what he was like?

And finally an impression of your dad

when he comes with you to get a male prostitutes.

OK.

Like, ready?

No.

That guy, no.

Very-- maybe-- yeah, yeah, this one.

Yes.

I think you give off, by the way, in life the vibe

that you're such a good boy.

Like, genuinely I hear it all the time from fans, my parents.

Everybody loves your stuff on the show.

It's like-- - No, I'm a good boy.

You're so funny, and you seem like such a good boy.

If you ever see my plates when I eat--

Yeah.

- I always clean off the plate. - Yeah.

And every time I'm done, I'm like--

I'm like-- - Yeah.

I'm a good boy.

I like show my plate, and I'm like--

Also when I walk, I have my little box and--

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

I love--

Is my body language OK?

Working with you.

We can fix all that.

OK.

That wasn't so bad, huh?

No.

Come here.

Kiss me.

SO much.

Kiss me so much.

Oh, yeah.

Paula, there are definitely ghost up in here.

Oh.

I feel it in my nipple hair.

It's standing on end.

James--

Uh-huh.

There are people walking up into our yard.

Oh, I wonder if they're our first guests.

Or maybe our first country lovers.

Well, let's not commit to anything

until we get a clear view of their badonkadonks.

- Hello. - Hey.

How are you?

Hello, tall one.

OK, come on, that's--

He is the tall one.

What's up?

Do you have any vacancies?

I mean, I wish I would have had kids to be honest, looking

back now in my 50s, you know.

I mean, it sucks not having kids.

Yeah, I wish I had done way less charitable work.

Man, what is that thing?

OK, what is that, some kind of gadget

like a paranormal something?

Oh, paranormal shmaranormal.

No.

No.

No, it-- no, it's a remote control

for my friend's bionic arm.

Watch.

I'm-- 20% bionic.

Yeah.

Johnny, are you watching this?

Yeah, oww.

OK, she can do the splits, too.

I can make her do the splits.

You know what?

I can't do 'em today.

Can you try that on me?

Oh, yeah, I feel it.

Johnny, this thing is heavy duty.

- You do? - Oh, yeah.

- That's awesome. - Oh, yeah, I feel it.

- Maybe, well-- - Uh huh.

- Oh, no. - A lot of ticks.

Oh, no, these are real.

It's-- there's a lot of ticks here.

That thing is amazing.

That's too bad, huh?

I like the way it makes me feel.

Hey, listen, guys.

Welcome to our B & B. We've been alone up here,

So, you know, if we hover at all, just tell us,

and, you know, if it bothers you or anything.

Friends for 30 years,

we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley--

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

So we have the plants, of course.

This is the living--

this is the living--

family living room, living room.

First room after the front door.

Buttload of books.

There's drinks there.

Chair to enjoy the book.

That door does not work.

Oop.

This room works.

They're like pigeons.

This is the one for you.

Come on in.

And I don't want you to worry.

We won't come a horsing if you to are intercoursing.

Whoa.

Gross. No.

This is my sister.

Oh.

Yeah, so that's my brother so gross.

Then why are you two tabooing?

Oh, God, no, we're not-- you only have one room.

Oh my God, we completely forgot.

- Yeah, that's right. - We completely forgot.

We're older people.

And one room.

No, we don't take it personal.

Not gonna look down on you.

Well, he looks down on everyone.

I mean, even if he wasn't my brother,

I would never hook up with him in a million years

because he's always ripe.

OK, yeah, all right.

Thanks an ass, Leticia.

Hey, no problem 'cause real talk, it's called soap.

I know what that is.

I know what soap is.

Hey, do you guys have any wine?

Ahhh, wine.

We forgot everything.

We're so sorry.

We forgot it.

Oh, hey, do you have any nicotine gum or menstrual cups?

We don't have anything. I'm so sorry.

None of it. Zero.

But we'll get some stuff for you.

We'll stock up. - Yeah.

Stock up and-- - So--

Bye.

You two enjoy yourselves.

Enjoy.

Sorry.

To our first guests.

First guest.

That's very old wine.

I got that in the cellar.

It's antique douche.

See label?

Mrs. Holland Bloomer's bottom water.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

I'm so douche drunk right now.

Paula, I have to confess something.

Oh, tell me, spill it.

You know, I'm feeling that deep down--

You like women now?

No.

I hate--

Me.

No.

I hate the country.

What!

Yeah, it's like a giant litter box for birds.

James Owen Anderson, you are that pre gay boy

from that Kentucky tobacco farm.

It's too quiet here.

It's like chewing a banana on the moon.

But you taught me how to love the country, James.

You are the country.

Well, if I'm the country, I'm gonna say something--

and this is probably to get a lot of attention--

but I hate myself.

Well, I hate myself, too.

To hating ourselves.

But this house is going to be like a teat bursting,

bursting with self-esteem boosting lactants.

This way, Johnny.

OK, enough's enough.

We can't stay here.

There are vermin all over this shithole.

Look at this.

Look.

Can you believe this?

They just ate the square dancers clear off my belt buckle watch.

No square dancers--

Wow.

No belt buckle, huh.

You know, we tried to take a nap before dinner

and something crawled in between US

and its nose was very dry and sharp.

And it was nibbling all up and down my bod.

What do you want us to do about it?

It's your room. You go take care of it.

James, be cool.

They're gonna Yelp us.

Be nice.

Thought you didn't have any wine, you dick wine.

Liars.

Big time liars, two of 'em, huh, Johnny.

You're lucky we don't kill you.

And zero ghosts.

Tastes like college.

Just wondering if I could have a little bit.

There's no more wine, Johnny.

Get the bags.

OK, we'll see you.

Maybe the vermin are just tiny little hairy ghosts.

In the 1800s, they called them burlies.

They looked like my friends Brandon and Brendan.

Maybe they're feral cats who are just sensing

my childless related despair.

I don't care what they are.

I just wanna go back to my gayborhood

and get a heel paraffin wax treatment.

James, we're not quitters except for that time

that we tried to write a movie.

We can do this.

We can do it.

I don't want to do this.

Well, tough shit because we are going to do it.

I'm telling you, you agree to this,

and we are going to do it.

Come on, La La.

Come on.

James, you're gonna love it here.

I promise you.

We're gonna have so much fun.

France, ooh, la la.

Famous for its sophisticated culture, beautiful art, food,

chic fashion, and museums.

The French have a lot to be proud of,

and, boy, are they proud.

So proud, in fact, that many people

think of the French as a little snooty,

especially towards Americans.

If French humor is half as fancy as French culture,

would my Midwestern American brain

be chic and sophisticated enough to understand it?

I'm Brooks Wheelan, and I'm about to find out.

If I was really gonna learn about French comedy,

I had to assimilate.

I couldn't walk around Paris acting

like some dumb American tourist.

We just got to Paris, I've never been here before,

but I think I get it, you know.

I've seen "Ratatouille."

I think the key to being Parisian

is just to be pretty disinterested in everything.

Like even if someone's like this is my new baby,

you're like, OK, I've seen a baby, you know.

You just play it cool.

So I'm gonna pick up smoking because everybody here is doing

it and they look pretty good.

So it can't be anything wrong with these.

I looked pretty French.

But no matter what I did, nothing seemed

to impress any French people.

Bonjour.

Au revoir.

I had to change my approach.

I went back to my hotel room to watch

some French TV hoping it might teach

me more about French culture.

Pretty much every channel was playing American sitcoms

like "Two and Half Men" and "The Big Bang Theory"

just translated into French.

I was confused.

Did French people really watch this much crappy American TV?

Are these shows funnier in translation?

I decided to talk to some experts.

Mark and Sophie have been translating American comedies

into French for over 20 years.

They've translated everything from "Inspector Gadget"

to "The Office."

Could you give us, like, an example of, like, a line,

like, an English speaking line that doesn't translate?

This one was in "The Land Before Time."

The basic line was who wants some chocolate.

Me. Me, too.

Me, three.

It's untranslatable in French.

OK.

Oh, because me too is--

It doesn't work basically. - That's interesting.

You have to change it.

So I was watching French television earlier.

I was surprised to see there was a lot of American sitcoms.

Do you know, like, why that is?

French people like American movies or series.

What, like, American shows are really big on French television

right now?

"Big Bang Theory" works very well.

Over here?

- I think "Entourage" a bit. - "Entourage"?

Yes.

In America, we have this point of view

that France doesn't like us, you know.

Yes. But it-- right.

We don't like you.

Sometimes it's love and everything is all right,

and sometimes it's the french fries

are banned from everywhere.

But not all French comedy is American and not on TV.

The most popular French comedy today is entirely online.

Studio Bagel is one of the biggest sketch

comedy troupes in France.

They're hugely popular.

I couldn't wait to meet some of these chic Parisian artistes.

What is you guy's job here at Studio Bagel?

Well, we're comedians--

And writers.

And writers.

I will fight with the Studio Bagel.

We are trained to write sketches.

Well, funny.

Just because it's funny not because we are French and--

Sure.

French will get it.

Are there any stereotypes that you guys grow

up with about, like, Americans?

I grew up with the idea that the United States was,

like, greatest and the worst.

It's like it has everything that I love about comedy,

about humor, about the people there,

but we also got raised in a way that, you know, Americans,

they would-- they're not really healthy and they

really like themselves and--

Yeah.

They believe they're the only one on Earth that really

matters, but in a way if both we could live there,

we would totally go forever.

We grow up with American TV show like "Family Matters,"

"Fresh Prince" and "Friends." - "Friends," yeah.

"Friends" is big over here.

So we are into it since the beginning.

What about, like, Louis CK?

Very self-deprecating.

Does that translate do you think to, like, French--

the French people's sense of humor?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, my parents wouldn't like it.

It's too daring.

Most of the people, they really like to say, oh,

I'm like this guy, and since Louis is really,

really assuming everything that is wrong about him,

they're like I don't want to be like this guy.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Are there any big French comedies

that I should check out?

Like, what-- - Like funny movies?

Yeah.

Oof.

It's cool learning about this French sketch scene.

Seems very, very much like what's

happening over in America, too.

Would you like to be in a sketch?

Yeah.

All right.

Wow, a chance for me to become a true French auteur.

The fact that I didn't speak a word of French

was a little concerning.

Je m'appelle Brooks.

The true French artistes speak with their eyes.

I went over my role with Studio Bagel's head writer whose name

is Mr. Octopus for some reason.

Yep.

Sure.

But what?

That's the peace act?

I can't believe this.

I'm gonna be .

All right.

I mean, I trust you.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should.

Yeah, it's just weird.

I have, like, a family.

Yeah.

So I'm just worried that they'll see this.

My butt?

My real--

No way.

No?

No.

No.

This would never happen in America.

It was very French, so that's why we're here, to see

what French people find funny.

Let's do it.

They're giving me makeup to look tired right now,

which I don't think I need.

The makeup lady was amazing, and I look like a nightmare.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

There's a feeling in my stomach that like don't do this.

You want me to get in there.

Yeah.

What do mean just get in there?

All right.

What the ?

SAG when you need 'em.

I haven't signed anything.

I just realized that.

Action.

This wasn't like "Ratatouille" at all.

I better get, like, a French Webby for this.

What?

Best acting in a sexual assault sketch.

French people may not like self-deprecation, but they

sure do like deprecating me.

I told you the end of it he had a huge cock.

Oh, .

No.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brooks.

Well, that was France.

We came in with a lot of stereotypes

that they were, like, snooty and didn't like American culture,

but then I turn on the TV, it's all American culture

and their comedy that I saw is the least

snooty comedy I've ever seen.

It's kind of the opposite of snooty.

I mean, look at the sketch that we did.

That's what they think is funny.

Aliens ejaculating on farmers is pretty far

from chic and sophisticated.

This may be one instance where Americans

may have the upper hand.

So, France, you stick to beautiful art, architecture,

and gourmet food and leave the crappy sitcoms

and gross out comedy to us.

Welp, I'm just gonna go skateboarding around Paris

and think about what I did and why I did it.

Au revoir.

There she is, our darling screenwriter.

Oh, Amy, honey, do you need something?

I'm OK.

Well, if you're OK, then I'm OK.

OK? - OK.

OK.

OK.

"Look Who's Talking," we loved this script.

We love the size of the pages.

We love those little numbers on tops of the pages.

We love the gold things that are holding the pages together.

I just had a few issues with some of the writing

that we're hoping to go over with you today.

Yeah.

I'd love some notes and feedback.

The first thing I noticed is your opening scene

takes place inside a vagina.

Right.

Have you ever tried to get a camera inside a vagina

because I have and it is not easy.

Get a lot of talking sperm, too.

That's going to be a real production problem.

I'm just not sure we'd be able to get

microphones that teeny tiny.

Where would you find microphones that small?

In China?

You know, I think it'd be better off

we just got that crappy scene if that's OK.

I just sort of felt like that scene sets

the tone for the whole movie. - Great.

- OK. - Great.

Yeah.

Flexible with that.

Now we love it once we get to the baby.

Baby's great.

We all love babies, especially me.

I'm trying to have one actually, but I can't.

But similar to the sperm, the baby's doing a lot of talking,

too.

I don't know if you know this, but babies don't talk.

Yeah.

That's why it's called "Look Who's Talking."

Really?

I thought it was called "Look Who's Talking"

'cause there's people on screen and we're

looking at them talking.

Oooh, now there's a good idea for a movie.

Nice one, Darry.

Babies don't speak in full sentences, Amy.

Babies say things like goo goo ga ga or--

- Mee mee. - Mama.

- Moo moo. - Mama.

Me wanty.

Me wanty.

That's what babies say.

You know, and by the time we could teach a newborn

to say all these stupid things that you've written,

it'd be too old to be in the movie.

Right.

I was actually thinking the voiceover of the baby

would be a man's voice.

I actually had Bruce Willis in mind.

Wait a second.

So you want me to call Bruce Willis on the phone,

ask him to play a baby?

Amy, when you originally pitched this,

we all thought it was a romantic comedy.

Are you a liar?

It is a romantic comedy.

It might just be a hard sell if we've got a talking,

mutant, man baby is the star.

We could repackage it as a horror film.

You know, I think that'd be great 'cause it's so

terrifying right off the bat.

It's not a horror movie.

You know what, let's compromise then,

and let's just nix the baby character.

I love that idea.

It gives us a chance to focus on the man and the woman.

Oh, great.

Then we can call Bruce Willis and say,

hey, Bruce, got a great part for you as a man.

I could see it now.

"Look Who's Talking--

A Grown Man and a Grown Woman."

Oh.

I love it.

So let's make those adjustments right.

I mean, that way it sort of negates the whole reason I

wrote this script in the first place

was to sort of get this new perspective of,

like, what it's like to be a baby.

You know, on your first--

Look who's still talking.

She's still talking.

OK, well, I'm sorry, but then we're going to have to pass.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

All right.

I guess I will just try my luck elsewhere then,

Honey, no one's going to buy this piece of shit.

You wrote a shitty movie.

No one's going to buy it.

We love you, Amy.

I want to tell you right now we, love you.

We love this meeting.

You know what just come back tomorrow,

pitch us the same idea again.

We really loved it.

Do you know how to get the hell out of here?

I do. I do.

- OK. - Great.

Thank you so much. - All right.

Thank so much.

Bye bye.

Love you, miss you.