Original subtitles

Runs for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

Why?

What?

Paula, you know that soaps aren't real, right?

Yeah, well, tell that to Victor Newman when he gets

stuck in a winery fire, James.

Hey, is there something up with your woman?

I mean, the girl you share expenses and cats with?

It doesn't matter, James, because she's

just Jamie and nothing more.

Oh, Tampa, Tampa, Tampa.

Hey.

It's Tampa St. Pete.

I've taken a winter lover.

Oh, nice to meet you, Tampa.

How are you?

Good.

Your hand's very warm.

Oh, I've got a raging fever.

Oh, that's fantastic.

What's your trade, Tampa?

Well, I'm a muralist for Olive Garden,

and I also do voiceover for porn.

Wow, that's impressive.

Hey, tell her your porn name.

People know me in the porn world as Tampa Saint Penis.

From Manhandled.

Give her a little sample.

All right.

Well, maybe-- maybe this sounds familiar.

Oh, yeah.

Dust it, boy. Dust it.

Yeah.

Doh, put it in that.

Do the one you did at dinner the other night.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Good morning.

Is it?

Oh, Paula.

Excuse me, men, I'm about to break up with Paula.

That's OK.

Do you mind a scoot?

No, we're going to stay here.

Fine.

Hey, Paula?

Yeah.

I got to tell you something.

What's that?

I'm breaking up with you now and I'm going to go.

No.

Don't break up with me.

Don't break up with me.

- I got to go. - No.

I got to.

No, you're not.

We're just taking a walk. - Would you--

We're going to go take a walk and make out in the barn.

No. No, you can't go.

You can't go.

You can't go.

You're my everything.

You're my everything.

I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

Nothing.

My baby got corn hair.

God, I'll miss you biting my hair.

Get out.

Get out.

Who in the hell is that handsome asshole?

This is Karen.

She landscapes at the golf course, and she gets me.

Oh, she gets you?

Well, you know what else you're going to get, Karen?

A whole heap of hep.

How dare you.

How dare me?

How dare you.

How dare you.

I love you.

I love you.

I'll miss you.

Oh, I'll miss you.

You'll still be my therapist?

Yes.

Tuesdays at noon?

I love you.

I'm going to really need it.

I'm done with women, guys.

It's official.

It just cuts too deep.

James, do you mind if I hike myself up on this one

and try it?

I have not done that since the '80s.

Sure, climb on it.

He's a handful, though.

You are.

Come on.

I like the pilot light.

Let's see if it works.

You know, tongues a tongue.

I don't know.

Let's do it.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that was as dumb as I remember it.

Oh, thank you for the orgasms.

Sure.

Here's a list of the things that I've lost.

A carabiner, a drill bit, a small bird, a headlamp,

a battery, and an English coin.

Also a Pepcid AC.

If you find any of those in your lower hair,

could you just shoot me a text?

Wait a minute.

Whoop.

There's the battery. - Oh, no.

Mine's a 9 volt.

Oh, thank you.

Bye.

Let me know if that bird pops out.

Well, James, here we are again, alone.

What is wrong with us?

I think she wants to sing at us.

since we've had some nice,

but things are better, so I'll say it's nice.

But things are better so I'll say it's nice.

What are you doing?

You're real.

Huh?

What?

Are you an internet billionaire?

No.

So you must be famous.

No, I'm a manager of a bookstore.

Huh.

Not even YouTube famous?

Not even YouTube famous.

I'm confused.

I'm confused.

What are you confused about?

I'm confused as to how you and I slept together.

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, it's a pretty standard American story.

I saw you at the bar.

We flirted for a while.

We hit it off.

And then you invited me home.

And then we had sex.

But I mean, look at you.

Yeah?

And look at me.

Yeah, I'm looking at you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look at me.

I'm looking at you.

It doesn't add up.

I don't follow you.

Because I'm like hello?

And you're like, you know.

A psych major?

No.

A wine specialist?

No.

The last in a long line of police officers?

No.

You're-- you're--

- Oh, I'm fat. - Yeah.

Thank you.

We're done.

And see, the thing is I'm a little confused

because normally I wouldn't sleep with someone like you,

so it is a total mystery how you ended up here.

Yeah, well maybe I was actually nice to you

and you liked that.

Oh, that's it.

Good. Good.

I'm glad that you can see that now.

- You roofied me. - What?

No.

No, I did not.

- It's fine, dude. - No, no, no.

It's not fine.

Did you realize you just accused me of rape?

I'm not mad.

I totally get it.

What, are you--

You see me.

You see this.

And you're like, damn, she's banay-cray hot.

So you slipped roofie in her vodka

so you can have sex with her.

You're a fucking sociopath.

Don't worry, I'm not going to press charges, OK?

Well, I'm sorry, I did not drug you to sleep with you,

but I'm really glad that you think that I could be a person

that is capable of doing that.

Thank you.

You're right.

It's a little too ballsy for someone who

clearly has low self-esteem.

My self-esteem is fine.

My self-esteem is great.

I'm great.

So someone else must have roofied me

and then you swept in.

That's how we had sex.

How about this for a wild idea, all right?

What if I was just nice to you and I made you laugh.

You made me laugh?

Yeah.

Was the joke you told me like knock, knock, who's there?

Here's a roofie.

You write jokes like a person that's been

kept in solitary confinement.

I watched every episode of "Last Comic Standing,"

so I know what's funny.

Yeah, well, you're flawed.

I'm done.

Hmm, this is a mystery.

Oh, wait a second.

I think I have it cracked. - Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

I think you were so desperate for somebody

to love you, so achingly empty, that when you were drunk

last night, you accidentally let yourself like someone who

treated you with respect, instead of just dragging

you home like a piece of meat.

Piece of meat.

Are you hungry?

I have some vegan bacon.

No.

Wow.

You are ugly in so many different ways.

Fix your face.

You're so mean.

That's why I slept with you.

These pieces are rancid.

I know, it's literally greasier

than Chet Roller's back.

I'm not eating this.

Oh, me, either.

And I'm so hungry.

I know.

I'm like starving, but like not in that good way.

Hi, Blake.

Hi, Kenzie.

Uh, I wasn't listening to you guys,

but I heard you say you were hungry,

and you guys should totally have my sandwich.

I made it myself.

We're not going to take your food from you, Rachel Dratch.

That's really weird.

No, you should take this because like I'm

not even hungry and I don't even want it.

Well, I mean I do want it and I'm hungry,

but you guys should have it. Just take it.

Take it. - OK.

OK.

I've always wondered what it's like to sit here at this table.

It's so nice.

Great view.

Sturdy construction.

I knew it.

You need to relax, Rachel Dratch.

Yeah, are you like on bath salts or something?

Oh my god, you guys, those bath salts are so crazy, right?

Did you hear about that guy who was on them and he chewed

the other guy's face off?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, that was kind of shocking like two months ago.

- Two months ago. - Exactly.

I know. So over it.

So over it.

It was two months ago exactly.

Yeah.

You what would be really sad, if anyone chewed your

faces off, because you're so pretty.

- Aw. - Yeah.

I mean, I bet you guys are pretty even in the rain.

I love how you do your hair, Blake.

It's like a princess or like the lady on the cocoa

package or something.

Thanks.

Contemporary damsel.

Oh.

It's my nickname.

Yeah.

Did you guys hear that Congress was

thinking of banning bath salts?

Yeah, well, they totally should because you

can buy them anywhere. - Yeah.

You know, I heard you can buy them at that super skeevy place

downtown, you know, with like the "Big Lebowski" T-shrts

and like those bombs in the window?

The Mad Hatter.

- Yeah, the Mad Hatter. - Yeah.

Mad Hatter.

So Jenna Peese and that Emery Walsh

got like a belly button piercing there.

Stop.

And got full-blown hepatitis.

Ew.

And then he got pierced by that really old guy who

looks like the Burt's Bees man.

Oh, that guy is so gross. He's gross.

He's creepy.

Oh my god, you want to know what I heard?

I heard that he is Colin's second uncle.

No. No.

Blake, would I lie to you?

No.

No way.

Oh my god, Colin's so hot.

He could literally grate cheese on his abs.

He's so beautiful.

He's stunning.

Yeah, he's very attractive.

Do you guys want me to go get his number for you?

- Don't do that. - No.

No, because I could go get his number

and you guys could go on a date with him or something.

I can even drive you. I have a car.

- No, definitely not. - Thank you, but no.

I could give you money for the date, if you want.

I can get you booze. Do you guys want drugs?

I can get you whatever you want. - Um, Rachel Dratch?

No do you guys like comedy?

I mean, what else to make you like me?

Do you like comedy? Check this out.

Check this out.

Oh, look, it's my boyfriend, pizza.

Oh, pizza, you're such a pizza face.

Do you want to make out? Sure.

Oh my god, we have to leave right now.

Oh, well, at least you still like me, pizza.

The new iPhone, well, it's

different, because you want an iPhone,

but you also don't have any self-control.

Introducing the new iPhone D, the iPhone for drunk assholes.

It's waterproof.

It comes with a free cracked screen because you know

you're just going to drop it.

Lose your phone?

Not anymore, because we added a leash for you,

you know, like a dog.

Also--

Vanessa, I love you.

It totally shuts off after 1:00 AM.

Hello?

Because whoever you're calling,

it's a bad idea.

That's my bus.

It even reminds you when to get out of there.

No, you have kids.

And Siri is more helpful than ever.

Siri, can you .

Ordering one cheese pizza.

Thank you, Siri.

The new iPhone D, because your drunk ass can't

be trusted with nice things.

I got to piss.

Moving to a new place can be difficult. It's a fresh start.

Oh, your parents would be so proud

of you, if they weren't dead.

There's nothing I like better than a great pattier.

You're good.

You know, I'd be careful if I were you.

That's Mandy Donaldhorn.

So what gives?

Her dad is Walter Donaldhorn.

The butter tycoon.

She's the same Donnahorn?

Donaldhorn.

Hm?

Forget it.

You must be new here.

How can you tell?

Because I don't know you and I know everybody up in here.

Bitch can't even high-five.

Yeah.

What, you think you could do better?

You could work with that.

Girl, you need to be honest with me.

Quit denying the obvious.

You're falling for him.

You couldn't be more wrong.

I actually don't think he's that attractive.

And you think he can patty?

Oh, I know he can.

We'll see.

I think we'll see he can.

We'll see.

We'll see he can patty.

Well, I hope that he can patty.

Come with me, I want to show you something.

What is this place?

It's your new home.

Here, nobody can tell us what we can or can't do.

Just try not to get bitch-clapped.

You got your no-touchers.

You got your patty-pouters.

And you got your robot.

1, 2, 3, 4.

What kind of adult man patty cakes?

I know where I belong.

We will be tearing down this old warehouse.

You better believe it.

The Donaldhorn Butter Towers.

You ready for this?

Are you kidding?

Why are you doing this to me?

We're patty-caking for what's ours.

Oh, boy.

Yo, Yo, check it.

All the best cake crews are going to be baking in this.

Prize money is enough to save this patty pad, yo.

How can we help?

Just remember, that good-looking

loser is headed nowhere fast.

Don't let him take you with him.

Wait, you think he's good-looking?

I used to clap.

You are never to clap or see that boy again.

We are not messing around, missy.

You do it.

Ba da da da da.

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Hi, this is Seven Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Bravo's Andy Cohen.

- Hey, Mike. - Thanks for coming, Andy.

Yeah.

Seven minutes in heaven.

I never turn that down.

So tell me about your first kiss.

Do you remember?

Oh, yeah, I do remember.

It was with this girl, and it was at the seventh grade dance,

and the girl's name is Jackie Palmquest.

Jackie Palmquest.

Palmquest.

Palmquest, which is a good name.

- I like that name. - Yeah.

Yeah.

And she and I just mashed it up at this dance.

Like slow dancing.

Like slow dancing.

"More Than Words" or something.

Yeah, exactly.

This is called Closet Theater.

OK.

We're going to be two guys who are waiting

to surprise our grandmother.

OK.

But it's been like two days and we're

starting to wonder if she died.

Um, wouldn't Nana need a sweater by now?

Yeah, it's been like--

it's been a couple of days. - I know.

It's super cold.

Have you heard her out there?

I heard her the first day, and then I heard some sort of thud.

Do you think like Mama and Papa would get her money

or do you think it would go straight to the grandkids?

Jesus.

Andy Cohen is going to evaluate my Seven

Minutes in Heaven outfit.

Go ahead, please.

Go on.

Well, I mean, it's seven minutes in irony land.

I mean, you're draped in vintage browns and yellows.

Yeah.

So that's clearly your shtick.

Right.

And I mean, I wouldn't--

I'm sure this fabric is--

it's all right. I don't know.

I think it's very--

I would sweat in that.

I'll give you this hat.

Oh, OK.

And you're just Andy Cohen in your closet.

OK.

I'm a guy off the street who somehow

ended up in your closet.

And I recognize you, but you don't

want to be bothered today.

I'm just trying to head out of the--

Hey.

Hey, you're Andy Cohen.

Yeah. Hey.

- That's awesome. - Oh, thanks.

- I love Bravo. - Thanks.

It's fun.

I love how you executive produce.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You were talking about the types of music you listen to.

You do-- - Oh, right.

disco, classic rock.

Disco, Philly soul.

Yes.

I love my ladies.

I'm a homosexual man, so Madonna, Diana Ross, Cher.

That's obligated as soon as you sign up.

Right.

Take this music.

There's Mount Rushmore of gays.

Do you have a redhead in your past that struck you?

Oh, because of my gingi love?

There's a-- a thing--

You know what?

I just love a gingi.

I just think gingis are underdogs.

I just-- get off of me.

I just love a gingi.

Yeah.

You know, I root for a gingi.

I like an underdog. - Yeah.

All right.

Are you a gingi kind of?

Were you at one point?

I never really was, but my family has--

Some ginge in them?

Yeah, my grandma.

Do you remember the first time you got drunk?

Um, I remember one of the first times.

We had our closing party for Opera Theater of Saint Louis,

and I got so drunk on tangerine and tonics.

And I don't know how I got home, but I got home.

And I woke up in the middle of the night and I was so drunk,

and I was like, oh, no, I have to barf.

Like I'm not going to make it to the bathroom.

And I took my boxers off and I threw up in my boxers.

And then I was like, oh, no, what am

I going to do with my boxers?

And I opened the window, and I threw them out the window

onto the front yard.

So then I woke up the next day.

And then my dad's like, there's a pair of your underwear

with, I think, throw up in it under your window.

Like what happened?

The first time I got drunk.

Well, I've had a good time.

Me, too.

And I appreciate you coming in into the closet.

Yeah.

I don't love going into the closet.

No.

It's more fun to go out.

No, thanks for having me in your closet.

It was fun.

And it is called Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Yes.

So.

Thank you.

OK.

It's over.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, my name is Madison, and I give girls tours in Greenpoint,

Brooklyn, where we show different locations from

the revolutionary show "GIRLS."

I started doing this April 15th, 2012,

right after the show aired.

I saw Lena Dunham cross the street at Bedford Avenue

and I developed a heart murmur, so now I have a robot heart.

Cafe Grumpy, it's where Hannah works.

And they have a drink they're called the Hannah,

and it's an $8 cup of coffee.

Grumpy's is to GIRLS what Magnolia Bakery

is to "Sex and the City."

Watching "Sex and the City" is like a cupcake.

It's so rich and indulgent.

Watching GIRLS is like a cup of coffee

because like you can do it alone and just think about your life.

Just like Lena and Hannah, I also

graduated from Oberlin College, and I majored in denim theory.

I should put #girlstour on there.

OK.

For promotional purposes.

No problem.

Yeah.

All you need for this job is an HBO Go account,

a love of groundbreaking television,

and knowledge of the G train.

I'm actually the only tour guide for this tour.

I used to have my friend Monica do some tours,

but she would keep getting lost in Bushwick,

and one time her group got mugged.

This is the trash can that Hannah used to illegally dump

Cafe Grumpy's trash in, and I touched it last week

and I haven't washed my hands since.

I met a guy at a warehouse party in Bushwick

and I thought he was my Adam, but then I just realized

that he was really into heroin.

I got in the bathtub with my friend last week

and I was like, oh my god, we're just like Hannah and Jessa.

And she was like, oh my god, get out of the bathtub.

I like to think of myself as the fifth girl in the group,

but I don't get any screen because I'm so busy.

I'm like dominating all over the place.

I'm a businesswoman.