Original subtitles

The front desk.

Ooh, this guy never stops working.

How can I help you?

You playing a video game, ain't you?

- No. - Video game?

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - "Solitaire," right?

No, I can't.

When no one's here, you got to play "Solitaire."

- Well, maybe once in a while-- - Come on--

- maybe once or twice. - everybody plays "Solitaire."

Yeah, sure.

All right, OK.

You've got a spa here?

Yes, we do have a spa.

We have a full spa.

Nice one?

It's really nice.

You got a deep tissue massage?

Uh, yes.

- Where they knead your body? - Yeah.

They knead it?

Yeah, it's like kneading dough, yeah.

Seaweed wrap?

We do have seaweed wrap, sure, yeah.

Then they put the cucumbers over your eyes?

Sure.

Now, they got to be very careful.

Why?

Don't leave your valuables in your room.

Because when you put the cucumbers over your eyes,

someone takes your key, right, who works at the hotel--

I'm not saying it's you-- and then go to your room

and then go through your stuff.

Because they know you're downstairs, right?

Right.

With cucumbers over your eyes, you can't see nothing.

We don't do that at this hotel.

You'll-- you're safe. - You don't do what?

You don't steal, or you don't put

the cucumbers over your eyes?

No-- oh, well, we do do the cucumbers.

We don't steal.

Have you-- have you done-- have you done the spa thing?

I have not, but I've seen people with the cucumbers

on their eyes.

They're walking around with the cucumbers on their eyes,

or you-- - No--

you happen to walk by?

they don't walk around, I walk by.

You see them laying there with cucumbers over their eyes?

Well, I guess I never really saw anybody doing it.

Oh, you can't really stand up walking around

with the cucumbers on your damn eyes.

Yeah, I know.

You got to have some deep-ass eyes.

- Yeah, you're right. - You know what i mean?

You're right.

You know who have-- who got deep eyes?

- Who? - Zombies have deep-ass eyes.

I don't know where we are now.

Yo, they can stand up and walk around with

the cucumbers because they don't fall because their eyes

are so damn deep.

Yeah.

Got a fitness center?

Oh, yes, we have a top-of-the-line fitness center.

You got master yoga?

Oh, yeah, we have--

I'm a big yoga guy.

Big yoga-- big yoga guy.

We have tons of mats.

I'm so flexible, I can put my feet in my back pocket

and walk on my ass to my car.

That's amazing. Triathlete--

I'd love to see that. --of yoga.

You got a dentist here?

A-- I don't know if we have an in-house dentist.

Oh, you've got to have a dentist around here somewhere.

Well, I don't know.

I'd have to check the system.

What about teeth whitening?

Well, you have really nice teeth.

Your teeth are really white.

You'd better stop it now.

You'd better stop it.

Let me tell you, if I didn't have that date tonight,

I'd take you out.

Put you in some heels and a little skirt--

Well, I don't know, that'd be fun.

Hey, you got to go all out.

If you're going to do it, you got to go all out, right?

- All right. - You got room service?

Oh, of course we have room service.

If I order room service, can I get a guy

to come bring my food in a little tuxedo

suit with a little monkey on his shoulder

wearing the same kind of suit, but in a different size?

I don't know if we have a monkey working here.

But I don't want the monkey touching

my food, just the bread.

Right, you don't want a monkey anywhere near your food.

Yeah, just get the food covered up.

But he can touch the bread?

Not touch the bread, just hold the bread--

A bread basket.

I want the bread to stay warm, but I

want the monkey to handle the bread, but not touch the bread.

Just-- just don't touch the bread,

just hold it by the little handles.

Right, right, right, right.

The little monkey handles.

Like I said, though, I don't think we have

a monkey working here, so--

How about the little Tabasco bottles?

Oh, sure.

If I get room service, I want my food spicy.

I'm a spicy guy.

Sure.

If I'm done with my food and my meal's all done,

I go in the bathroom and I shoot that hot black water

out my ass.

That's how my insides are. - Mm--

You know, I start sweating a little bit.

I get the beads on my forehead.

I don't know if I want to talk about this part.

Only thing I hate is when the hot brown water is

shooting out my ass, when

someone comes to the door--

Well, they probably don't know what's going on in there.

You've got to have some asshole on you to stop it--

Keep saying that-- - to stop it, to lock it up--

Don't think you can.

and go to the door, answer the door, you know?

When you stay in places, I want to feel like I'm

getting my satisfaction.

Well, that's what we do here.

We-- we definitely aim to please.

See?

That's why you-- that's why you do what you do.

Did you want some room service?

Because I can have somebody come up to your room.

And what room number are you in?

I'm not staying here.

You're not staying-- where were you staying?

In my damn house.

The front desk.

Whew.

Thanks for letting me crash in your bed.

Yeah, what, are you going to sleep on the floor?

Right.

This isn't weird.

No, of course not.

No, we're just-- we're two dudes sharing a bed.

It's 2013.

What's the big deal?

Ain't none.

Exactly.

Well, good night.

Is this the side you usually sleep on?

I prefer it. You know what?

I'm just gonna face this way. - Mm-hmm.

It's going to be probably better for the--

Great.

- both of us. - Is that your butt on my butt?

It is. I'm sorry.

If I keep my hands above my head like this--

Ow, ow, ow--

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--

No.

This is spooning.

This is definitely spooning.

I'm going to get something.

I'm going to put it between us.

Great idea.

I'm a Libra.

This isn't what I thought you meant.

Yeah, this doesn't feel right.

You know what?

I think we just need another buffer between us.

Where's the buffer?

I put on a condom.

What?

That is much weirder.

Did I say condom?

I meant adult diaper.

OK, what if we replace him with a girl?

- Yeah, obviously. - No!

This feels better. No, it doesn't.

I'm on the floor! - Ow!

She's made of cardboard!

What, do you know a real girl?

No.

Yes.

I'm a Libra-- oh, uh, Gemini.

And you boys are handsome and in bed together.

Do you think maybe you could change a diaper?

Who was she?

You in a wig.

Who cares.

Percocet?

Something's wrong.

Where's my penis?

"Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Amy Poehler.

Hi, Amy. - Hi, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me.

Who are you wearing?

I'm wearing the closet.

Yeah.

Let's talk Bone Thugs.

When did that blow up for you?

Oh, god-- when has-- when-- since--

Since?

- I mean, when did they start? - Yeah.

They sing at everybody's funeral, right?

I think they're always funeral-themed.

Yeah.

It was like, on your IMDb trivia,

loves Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

The answer is yes, I love Bone Thugs-N-Harmony,

but not enough, maybe, to put it on a page.

I had a friend whose kid googled "naked."

Uh-huh.

His eight-year-old kid googled "naked"--

Yeah.

on the computer.

And the first picture that came up

was a woman with asparagus sticking

out of her butt and her vagina.

This is a true story. - That's naked.

- That was the first-- - That's like--

- image for naked. - yeah.

- An innocent kid. - Yeah.

And that's what he'll always think now.

Right.

But, like, years from now, someone will be like,

do you want to get naked?

And he'll be like, I don't know, I'm not hungry.

Yeah.

By the way, do you-- have you heard the new trend?

- I've heard a little bit-- - Shoulder hat?

about this.

There's a little buzz about these shoulder hats.

Uh-huh.

And hopefully, it kind of matches with the coat

so you can't even see--

Yeah, it's supposed to kind of blend.

And then when someone walks by-- like, walk by and say, hey.

Hey.

Hey.

You tip the cap to them, show 'em a little shoulder.

It's this kind of stuff that you learn when

you're living on the streets.

Yeah.

Finish this sentence--

I hate it when people do blank, but my hatred

quickly turns to arousal.

I'm-- what's coming to mind is--

it's not this, but some kind of, like--

like, lifting up a car or something.

Right.

Like, some kind of physical--

And you're like, yeah, I get it,

but also, you're like, awesome.

My brain is like, you're a fucking--

Yeah.

pig animal for like--

Showboat.

like, guys maybe that loot.

Looting.

Looting.

Guys that loot.

Like, kind of buff guys that loot.

And then you're like, oh my god--

You mean like throw-- oh, you mean--

Yeah, like throw TVs in a thing--

bricks through, and then getting it to you--

and then they bring it out.

And you're like, dummy, you're such an asshole.

But they're-- you're like, but--

Well, Amy, I've had a good time.

Me, too. I've had a blast.

Thank you so much.

Um, yeah.

And we're going to head out, but the--

it is "Seven Minutes in Heaven."

So-- you're fine.

It's OK.

Here we go.

There we go.

Are you done?

That's nice.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Did you have a good time with that-- during the kiss?

Um--

I couldn't read you.

Uh,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I work at Above Average.

And I'm here today with Patty, our head of HR,

to ask her a few questions about what I

can and can't do in the office.

This is one thing that I--

Glenn, I'm sorry to interrupt.

And I know that we're filming, but I've

been getting a lot of complaints about your behavior

in the office.

Oh, that's weird.

So I just thought it would be better if we addressed

it sooner rather than later.

So people are going to start coming in.

And we could just discuss it.

Well, I did have a whole episode planned out.

But I guess we can go ahead and do whatever you want.

Kelly, want to go ahead and start?

Sure.

Once, when we were in the bathroom,

Glenn asked me to come into her stall

and look at what she called an all three.

What's an all three?

An all three is a pee, a poop, and a period at the same time.

It's when you get 'em all in the bowl at once.

It's impressive.

So when one happens, it's kind of like a shooting star.

Glenn waits until the bathroom motion sensor light

goes off and then scares people when

they come into the bathroom.

Glenn, is this true?

It's true, but it's also very funny.

Glenn told all the new interns that my favorite movie is

"Coyote Ugly," and that if you ask politely,

I'll show you my Piper Perabo tramp stamp.

That's number one.

Oh.

Glenn spread a rumor back in July that I know

who killed JonBenét Ramsey.

Well, it's not a rumor if it's true.

You keep calling me King of the Toilets.

What's your name?

Steve.

Fine, I'll call you Steve.

I told you I'd be out of the office

because I had to get a root canal.

But you told the whole office that I was out because I

had to get tooth canal surgery.

Oh my god, all these sensitive men in the office.

I can't handle it.

You keep a bowl of condoms on your desk.

That's for everyone.

It's not just for me.

Because let me tell you, all the guys in our office

have been grabbing 'em off my desk.

I'm not going to name names, but Tim, Matt,

Andrew, Mike, Brendan, Steve.

One day, you just didn't wear pants.

You're welcome.

I brought my dog to work and you took it home.

Glenn said I won a trip to Willy

Wonka's chocolate factory, and then she shit on my desk.

I hate Andrew.

Glenn wrote a eulogy for my imagined funeral

and left a printout of it on my desk.

She called me a nothing master.

Glenn graphically described deepthroating her boyfriend

to me for the purposes of estimating

the length of his penis.

Glenn registered the domain name,

- www. - Don'tTellBut I'mMakingInterns

TakePicturesOfMyButtholes.com.

Butthole.com.

So that complaint doesn't count 'cause it's wrong.

Whenever I come back from the bathroom,

Glenn will stop and ask me, did all the pee-pee come out OK?

Oh my god, are you going to cry?

Just one time, Glenn commissioned

this picture of me pooping while horizontally

over the toilet bowl--

I don't think this is funny.

I just think it's disgusting.

Look at it.

Glenn, these are really serious complaints.

And normally, we would let someone go for it.

But I think we've come up with a different solution for you.

For your mouth.

Thank you so much.

I am going to take the soap, and I'm going

to wash my butthole with it.

My name's Janessa Slater, and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

So Modest Mouse--

Mm-hmm.

I think that name has to go.

Because modesty is for losers, and mice are taking

over my apartment, you know?

Uh, I just don't want to do the legwork to change it,

you know? Yeah.

Like, it's on the records, and--

But I mean, have they sold that much?

It's like-- Mm--

So I actually really liked the name

of your recent album, "Strangers to Ourselves,"

because I always feel like I'm a stranger to myself.

You know, I'll catch myself, you know, crying

and you know, threatening to, you know,

commit a crime outside of my ex-husband Darren's house,

and you know, making a scene.

And I'll go, who am I, you know what I mean?

And so I always find myself in situations where

I am a stranger to myself.

And I go, wow, this is kind of cool, but also kind of weird.

So I'm just wondering, where did you guys come up with the name,

"Strangers to Ourselves"?

I think I forgot.

That was-- that story was really something.

Oh. Yeah.

Thank you.

Have you guys ever thought of doing the festival circuit?

Because it feels like you guys would do really well.

You know, there's a ton of, like, mediocre white people

with a ton of disposable income who like to blow it listening

to, you know, middle-aged lumber-sexuals

sing them lullabies in a wet field, you know?

Right.

You could even start your own festival, you know?

What-- what would you call that?

Um-- I'm gonna have to go to the mountaintop for this one.

Yeah, Going to the Mountaintop.

There you go, yeah. - I think that's great.

What about, Good Night, Sweet Losers?

Um, yeah.

Look, I'm going have to think about this.

I don't have a--

I don't have a title at the moment.

You know, I once scored a 78% on "Float On" on Guitar Hero.

OK.

So can I be in the band, or--

but honestly--

We'll think about that.

I could come in, change up all your tuneage.

OK.

Breakdown version of "Float On."

We'll all float on today.

You know, or something like that.

Or a very, like, hipstery, like, we float on.

I--

You know?

Or like, jazz-- we all float on tonight.

OK, follow me here--

what if we do Modest Mouse as a Pixar film?

Um--

It's like a little mouse, and he has to, like,

learn to brag more about himself.

At the beginning of the movie, he's like, really modest.

And they're like, oh, like, you're-- you're, like,

really good at, like, eating cheese and, like,

being annoying.

And he's like, no, I'm not.

I'm just a modest mouse.

And it's, like, emotional, and it, like,

makes more money than any other movie

even though it's a cartoon.

And I think it would be a good thing for you guys.

Um--

And maybe you could voice one of the mice, you know?

And you could be like, I hate to brag or whatever.

I got nothing.

In conclusion, I think we've had a really

solid session here today.

Do you feel good about it?

Yeah.

Do I get billed for it? How does this work?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

But listen, I'm excited to see your band really flourish.

Thanks for your time.

Thank you.

That was so pleasant.

He listened to me.

You're a good listener.

You take me seriously.

You listen.

And I just said that--

stupid.

Oh!

But it's been really great talking to you.

It's like you have respect for me.

And I just don't get that a lot.

So off the record, thank you so much.

I'm just tired.

We all are.

I don't even think this is legally coffee, it's so bad.

This coffee tastes like raw vitamins.

This coffee is don't.

This coffee is busted, like my mama's face.

This coffee is fin.

This coffee tastes like tea.

This coffee is meh.

Meh.

Ass.

This coffee is a weirdo.

I don't want to hang out with it.

Friends for 30 years, we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed n' brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers--

what?

What?

Oh, wow.

How long have we known each other, like, 30 years?

30 years. Isn't that wonderful, James?

Mm-hmm.

Remember in 1990, when we did clown camp together?

That was you and James Franco.

And that was last August.

Oh, that's right.

Remember when we toured the works of Shakespeare

with Barbie dolls?

That was you and James Franco.

And that's not opening until 2014.

Mm, can't wait for it.

I just hope we can work together for as long

as that old couple that's staying here,

the Broadway couple.

You mean the Burlingtons?

Can you believe that jejune Dick Adderly got in "Pippin"?

What a crock.

The only thing he's good at is fooling people.

The call said 75 and under.

If he's 75, then I'm a Rockette.

Hey, in our new show, should we

do music or magic?

- I say music. - That's dumb.

We're doing magic.

Well, then why in the schnauzer-balls

did you ask my opinion?

Because we're a team, all right?

All right. - Let's get started.

Let's practice it.

How does my hair look?

Your hair looks like fresh out of the package--

- Great. - the day you bought it.

All right.

Hey, give me a little fanfare here for starting off.

Nothing in this tube, all right?

But inside of this tube, I have this

gorgeous multicolored scarf that I have hidden inside.

Yeah, but you don't tell people you hiding it.

You're going to blow it, Roy.

Well, that's what you're supposed to do, Cora,

you're supposed to get up, shimmy shake, be sexy,

and like, distract the people-- All right--

from what I'm doing.

Hide the scarf, and I'll do it.

OK, hang on.

You do your sexy dance.

All right.

OK.

All right, now, I'm putting it in here,

and they're watching you, you see?

Keep it going.

Yeah, now really let them have it.

'Cause I got to get all of this in here.

Is it in there?

You see, I pull it up, and look--

music sting, Cora! - Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Great.

Now I'm going to replace the tube back onto this tube,

remove this tube, and look, the scarves.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Wow.

Now do the rings.

All right.

Cut your losses.

Here we go.

These rings are just regular rings.

They don't fit together.

But they go together. You just got to click--

Yeah.

the two little slits on the rings together, kiss it.

I got to find the crack that kisses.

Well, I can see it from here, and I'm

as blind as a deep sea fish.

Well, that explains why your lipstick's crooked.

Ah, look, we're "draw-ra-ring" a crowd.

- Do it again! - Yeah!

- Do it again! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - All right.

You know, when I cut Cora in half, she got a lot of rings.

Yeah, well, at least I pee after I laugh.

Let's take a bow.

They love it.

All right, let's take a bow.

Throw something in the hat on the way out.

Because we got utility bills at this place.

I think we should stay up in this area.

I think-- I think this is a good market for our brand.

Yeah, I think they like it.

All right, sing that song I like.

Birds are like people with wings.

People are like birds with too many things.

Lions are like people that roar.

Can you hand me one of those?

Which one?

It doesn't matter at this point.

These are suppositories.

Are you ready for that?

I don't know.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to The Idiot's Guide to Smart People.

Today's topic is religion.

As an idiot, you're used to inserting religion

into every part of your idiot life.

So you might be surprised to learn that smart people almost

never even think about it.

In fact, the more you mention your sincere religious beliefs,

the more you'll find them backing away.

So to avoid completely alienating your smart friends,

as if you have any, here's what you should know.

Sequestered in their godless metropolises,

most smart people have deliberately

moved away from you and their other hometown idiots,

preferring to worship their own deities, namely Jon Stewart

and poorly rated TV dramas.

So just as you find it annoying when

idiots from other religions discuss their beliefs,

it's the same thing for smart people

when you mention religious experiences that

don't involve "Breaking Bad."

If you do find a smart person that

wants to talk about religion, you've run into an atheist.

A clue to spotting atheists-- they mention

their atheism all the time.

Feel free to engage the atheist if you want everything

you say scornfully dismissed.

Otherwise, just walk away, forcing the atheist to mentally

argue with you all day while you're

out having all the idiot fun.

Some smart people pretend to be religious to appeal

to you, the idiot.

This group of televangelists and politicians

love talking about religion because they

want your vote or your money, or preferably both.

And you always give it to them.

Idiots!

And finally, there's the special case of smart people

that call themselves spiritual.

They think they're smarter than everyone else.

They're not.

But don't worry, you'll get along fine as long as you don't

ask them for medical advice.

If all this advice doesn't prevent you

from getting in an argument, be prepared for the smart person

to bully you with their most powerful weapon--

sarcasm.

In that case, you're free to counter with what historically

has been religious idiots' most powerful

weapon, brutal idiot violence.

Anyway, to wrap things up, because there's

a good chance you've already forgotten everything,

here's a summary.

Everyone worships something, so try not to be a dick about it.

All right, time for you all to off and go to hell.

See you later.