Original subtitles

Veronica Jones was a successful lawyer who never had

time to fall in love until now.

Watch where you're going.

Well, technically you fell into me.

I'll tell you what, you let me buy you lunch

and we'll call it even.

I met someone.

Girl, you should go for it.

Do you think?

Yes.

He's so cute, but I'm just--

I'm so busy.

Oh, look.

See, Miss Big Time Lawyer isn't it nice

taking it easy for once?

So, little sis, you think he's the one?

Debra.

Oh my God, where'd you get those bruises.

Oh, I've been falling a lot recently.

Zachary Levi, Kate McKinnon in a romantic comedy

that will knock you off your feet.

Dude, how are things going with that Veronica chick?

She seems to fall down a lot, which at first was endearing,

but now it's just starting to worry me.

Chicks, dude.

Chicks.

So you say you've been falling down recently?

Oh, no.

Is this a walking stick?

I was driftwood hunting down on the Hudson,

I thought of you.

OK.

I feel again.

Don't know why I thought this was a good idea.

This Christmas, you'll fall for the most

romantic movie of the year.

I can't do this anymore.

What are-- what are you saying?

I'm saying I--

I want to go to the Grand Canyon.

I want to go to the top of the Empire State Building.

I want to use the stairs again!

And I can't do any of those things with you.

Darren, wait.

Darren, Darren-- oh.

Darren.

He took the job in London.

He's leaving forever, and I don't know what to do.

You need to go to him.

Wait.

Thanks.

Aah!

Darren.

Darren, please don't go.

Darren!

Darren!

Oh.

my life.

Darren!

Darren!

Darren!

Darren, I love you.

"Falling for You."

OK, I'm missing two teeth here.

Anybody seen two teeth?

Nice.

My girlfriend got us dinner reservations

for an hour from now.

You're not going looking like that, are you?

What?

Come with me.

What are you up to?

Buddy, you are going to look awesome.

No.

No.

No.

Hey, can I get some help?

We'll be right with you, sir.

That's a big no.

Hi.

Friend still in the dressing room?

Yeah.

It's gonna be a while.

I mean, I gotta be honest.

I like that outfit he had on coming in.

Yeah, it was fine.

It just-- it didn't have the it that we're looking for.

Not it.

He said no to this.

What?

Even after you did the [imitating music]??

Yeah, I was like ...

What does he want from you?

I don't know.

Tell me about it.

I mean, he wants me to look good essentially.

Maybe for the next ones, he can

just kind of hold the shirt up to himself

before he takes it in the--

No, I kind of, like, need him to, like, put it on

and, like, be the character.

Ohhh.

Welp, here comes.

Umm, no.

You see what I mean?

No!

I would say most of what your friend is modeling

is not sold in this store.

Yeah, I wondered where some of that stuff

was coming from because I'm looking around

and I'm like I don't see that here.

Fine.

No.

Fine.

I didn't even look.

I assumed this was a no. - Yeah.

I mean, is this something you would

even want to wear on a date?

Oh, my date.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's 3:00 AM.

I missed it by a ton.

12 new voicemails.

This is-- these are all her just mad at me.

Women, am I right?

bitches.

You're funny.

Yeah, there we go.

There we go.

She and I are kind of dating.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

OK.

Oh.

Hey, wake up, man.

I missed the date by, like, seven hours.

Oh, man.

Did you have sex with her back there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I her.

Yeah.

Part of me thinks that nothing you would have come out with I

would have said yes to.

I started to get that feeling.

I'm like it was about some control or something.

Might have been.

Just got so powerful sitting there every time

he came out, no.

No.

She's dead, Jimmy.

Part of me knew that.

I can't go to jail.

You're not going to, pal.

We're gonna get you the best lawyers.

I don't know anything about that whole world.

I don't even know what you're supposed to wear to court.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Looks like we got a lot of work to do.

I'm gonna try something on.

Chop chop.

Time is money.

Money's fashion.

Welcome to "Cocktales with Little Esther."

I'm your host Little Esther, and my guest

today is Tiffany Haddish.

Hey.

She ready.

She ready.

OK, so today's safe word is Betty Crocker.

So if I say anything that makes you uncomfortable--

Betty Crocker.

Yeah.

I have a feeling I might be the one who needs it today.

If you could have sex anywhere and not get caught,

where would it be?

The White House.

Pin me up against the wall, like up against Abraham Lincoln

picture or something, you know, just yeah.

Just-- that's making me moist thinking about that.

Where would you do it?

I would probably do it, like, on the floor next to my bed.

Who gave you your sex talk, and how did it go?

My mom and it was scary as hell.

We was watching a soap opera, and this man,

this woman was kissing in a bed.

And I said mama what they doing.

I was eight.

And she said that's what grownups do to make babies.

I said, oh, I want to do that.

She said, oh, no, you can't do that until you turn 21.

Because boys have this enzyme in they mouth and if you kiss

them, it'll eat up your face.

It'll eat your tongue, your throat,

and you'll die within 24 hours.

You have to get a special vaccination,

and then you can kiss boys.

Two days later, I seen one of my friends

kissing a boy by the building, and I was like,

Oh my God, Amanda's gonna die.

My mom was like, oh, baby, don't worry about her.

See her parents knew she was gonna be a ho,

so they got the shot for her early.

Finish this sentence.

OK.

Queefs are--

The breath of God.

What's your favorite role playing scenario?

If I'm with a white guy, I like

to treat him like a Black man and arrest him.

Let's do it. I'll be the guy.

Hey, Tiffany.

Look at you, Curtis.

Look at all arrestable.

When you gonna pay this child support, Curtis.

When you gonna pay this child support, Curtis.

When you gonna pay this child support, Curtis?

Take your pants off.

But that's-- yeah.

Then we have sex.

What if it was a Black guy?

Then I treat him like he's a white man.

And what would that be?

I'd be like here's the-- here's the memos.

All the memos have been typed up, Mr. Stanley.

What's the longest you've ever gone without having sex?

12 months.

Why?

I just don't wanna get swooped up.

'Cause when you get some good D, you just be,

like, all dickmatized.

Like, you forget what your priorities are in life,

so I wanted to make sure I was confident in who

I am, know what I want, then also I

got to know my own body better.

So, like, sex is way better for me

now because it's more about me.

I can be finished before he finish

and then get up and leave.

Get out.

He be like, wait, I'm not done.

So what?

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?

I was dating this FedEx pilot, and he asked

me put my toe in his booty.

And I tried.

I really did 'cause he was like-- you know, he was here

and his head was, like, in this area, so I was trying

to put my toe up in that butt.

And I couldn't.

What's the weirdest thing that's

ever popped into your head while having sex?

I wonder how my grandma doing.

I gotta call her when this is over.

OK, so this is a game called turn on, turn off,

so I'll just list a quality and you say if it's a turn on

or turn off. - OK.

Clear skin.

Turn on.

That means good healthy organs.

Yeah, make a good baby.

His sperm probably taste good.

Loves his mother.

It depends on how much he love his mama but--

Yeah.

Too much is not good.

Too much is way not good.

Have you ever been with a guy that loved his mom too much?

Never.

Only date guys that don't know they moms.

Boom.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare where you maybe

didn't know who the father was?

Yes.

And that's when I got the season pass to Six Flags

and got on every roller coaster with the fast track, like,

eight times and then drank a fifth of Hennessy

and then my cycle started later on.

That's how you do an abortion on a budget.

OK.

If there is a sex move called the Tiffany Haddish,

what would it be.

Girl, I got a couple of moves that's top secret.

I don't like for bitches to see my moves.

I'll respect that.

We done had this conversation in the past.

But basically it'll probably be like

a reverse cowgirl situation so you're sitting there.

You riding.

You look back at it.

Look back.

Turn back, look back, OK, 1, 2, 3.

Look back the other way.

1, 2, 3.

Now you grab his hands and you bap.

Tiffany, thank you so much for teaching me all that you have

taught me on this show today.

As a thank you, I would like to offer you this parting

gift of a portable glory hole.

All right.

Thanks for watching.

Bye, y'all.

Oh.

Hey, Thing Starter.

I didn't see you there.

My name's Ed Daniels, and what I do

see is a problem that affects half the population,

male spotting.

Whenever a guy pees, there's that one drop

that seems to stick around.

So after years of suffering, I finally invented tiny diapers

for the tip of your penis.

These super absorbent diapers fits snuggly

on to the tip of any penis.

They take care of that extra drip

without the bulk of a full-size diaper.

I spent six months in my workshop

perfecting this design.

I chose the softest fabric to prevent penis rash.

I also created this modified fanny pack

that not only stores the tiny diapers

but also acts as the applicator.

The carrot represents the penis.

But I need your help to start mass production, Thing Starter.

Currently, I make them by hand, which

takes four hours per diaper.

But here's the great thing about tiny diapers

for the tip of your penis.

They aren't just for the tip of your penis.

My friends have come up with some great uses

that I never even thought about.

Use a tiny diaper to stop a leaky faucet.

Going for a run, use a couple of tiny diapers on your nipples.

They also can catch tears if your crying.

I'm crying.

And if you're incredibly tiny, you use a tiny diaper

like our full-size diaper.

Now I'm going to respond to some questions

that I constantly have to answer.

First, will these work if I want to pee

full force into my pants?

No.

These aren't for you.

You should use Depends.

Do these handle poop.

No.

You don't poop out of your penis.

You poop out of your butt.

Are tiny diapers associated with toxic shock syndrome?

Unfortunately, yes.

So I need your support to get these

into production, Thing Starter, and we've

got lots of neat rewards.

For $10, you get 10 tiny diapers.

For $20, you get 20 tiny diapers.

For $30, you get 30 tiny diapers.

For $40, you get 40 tiny diapers.

And for $50, you get 51 tiny diapers.

That's the best deal.

Thanks for watching and please donate

because remember the time couldn't

be riper for a tiny diaper.

Please donate.

Yeah.

You done done it now.

touch it, ahh, shit.

I done been around the world.

I done kissed a lot of girls, so I'm guessing that it's true.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Bang me.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Bang me.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

It's 5:00 in the morning and she's yawning

'cause me tired as a bitch.

At 5:00 in the morning, she ain't brushed,

so her breath, it smell like shit.

She looked into my eyes.

I think she wanna take me for a ride.

She opened up, it smelled like something died.

It made me wanna commit suicide.

It made me wanna tap out every time.

Her mouthpiece makes me traumatized.

I don't really wanna diss her.

She's had a lot of liquor, but she's such a bad kisser.

Got lipstick on my leg.

What the hell?

What the hell is the matter with her 'cause

she's such a bad kisser?

Her breath's like a grenade.

What the hell-- what the hell--

is matter with her.

That ass mouth smells like shit.

Your girl might be pretty,

but she's clearly-- clearly-- not the sharpest in the drawer.

Shit.

She's really got a spoon.

I mean a real damn dummy.

I'm staring at her grill trying to figure where

did all this blood come from.

I need to go to hard.

Yeah.

I said a little bite--

a little nibble.

Bitch, we 'bout to find.

She took a chunk--

out of my right ass cheek.

She took her tongue and licked to me on the side.

She clearly ain't that bright.

I don't really wanna diss her.

She's had a lot of liquor, but she's such a bad kisser.

Got her lipstick on my leg.

What the hell?

She's such a bad kisser.

Yeah.

Her breath's like a grenade.

What the hell?

Like Michael Jackson bad.

Hee, hee, hee.

The only thing I know is that this girl has definitely slept.

She don't know where them kisses supposed to go.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

No, that's my crack.

Kiss me, girl, and kiss me right.

Bite me hard, biggest mistake of your life.

Kiss me, girl, and kiss me right.

Keep it up--

She's sunshine.

Kisser.

That kisser.

Got lipstick on my leg.

What the hell.

So can I tell you something.

So I'm pumping gas, and this ratty ass due to staring at me

like I'm a hot sandwich.

So I wind up doing the deed with him in the back of my car.

But you know what, it was fine 'cause I got that limo

tent put in my Nissan cube.

But promise you won't tell anyone.

I swear on my sick uncle's remaining foot

I am not gonna tell a soul.

You promise.

Promise.

Friends for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

So they made love in a cube?

Yes.

They made anonymous love in that ugly ass car.

Did you hear about Frank?

No.

His wife caught his mistress shaving her triangle

in their master bathroom.

Really?

Yeah.

He made me swear on my sick uncle's arm

that I wouldn't tell anybody.

Why do we betray our friends so much, James?

Why do we have such sick uncles?

Because they both went together to a nude vacation

and caught a super bug.

Oh, that's right, the superbug.

I hate being a gossip.

Yeah, me, too.

But it's so much fun.

It's so much fun.

Before we stop being gossips, can I just

give you one more juicy item.

Hell to the yeah.

OK.

You know our neighbors? - Mm-hmm.

- Ralph and Pierre. - Yeah.

- You know, the Italians. - Yeah.

Yeah.

OK.

So our neighbors--

- Get to the point. - The Italian ones--

Yes.

- Supposably they-- - Supposedly.

It's supposedly.

Supposingly they have been in jail numerous times.

Really?

Yes.

The drunk mailman told me.

I bet they robbed a Michael's Crafts.

Know they have.

They probably stolen somebody's kidneys.

They are horrible, horrible people.

- They're monstrous. - Horrible.

Creeps.

They told someone who told someone who told me that they--

My God.

Oh my God.

What is it?

They are at the door.

Oh-- Oh my God.

We're just gonna pretend like I just noticed them.

In a second, I'm gonna get up. - Yeah.

OK, here we go. We're just going to try this.

OK. Yeah.

See what we can get away with.

OK.

Hi, you guys.

Hi, you guys.

How are you?

Oh my God.

You look amazing. You look amazing.

You look incredible.

You look like models.

You look like models.

You look like models.

Supermodels.

Yeah.

What do you got there?

We made some rigatoni, and it was very special rigatoni.

Oh.

They made us rigatoni.

So-- right.

They made us rigatoni.

You are the best.

I can't wait to eat it 'cause I'm sure it is probably

the best rigatoni I've--

You just eat it.

Ever had in my life.

I wanna try it, too.

Let me see.

Oh my God is it good.

It's so good.

This pasta could stop a war.

It could just stop a war.

We just call the president.

My God!

That was really incredible.

I wish I could eat the whole Tupperware container.

Oh, we're so glad you enjoyed it.

- Yes. - Thank you.

And you guys have a wonderful day.

Oh, yes. We will.

Thank you. Thank you.

And I appreciate it, and we love being neighbors with you.

You're terrific people.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, James.

We have got to stop being gossips.

Look at us.

Look what this got us.

At our core, we're good people.

We're such good people.

We're better than that, James.

Good Lord.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Do you think Pier is gaining weight?

God, yeah.

Especially down in the haunches.

Yeah.

He's getting, like, major saddlebags.

Probably.

Well, either way-- uhh.

Excuse me.

Oh, guess I'll hug myself.

I love you.