Original subtitles

OK, James.

So you have to be 100% honest when you're

holding the beagle basset.

Paula, I'm just going to say this

because I'm holding the basset.

Your bottom teeth are like, two shades darker

than your top teeth.

If you use any more Botox, you're

going to look like a CPR dummy.

Your turn.

I accidentally saw you taking a shower one day.

And your bush goes all the way around.

So. - Easy.

Easy.

Sometimes your language doesn't reflect your education.

Gives him.

Paula, your titties stink.

They have an odor.

Give him to me.

Give him to me.

Give him to me.

Friends for 30 years, we've been writing comedy.

Now we want a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What. What?

- Paula, are you ready? - I'm in the zone.

I'm ready. OK.

Here's the combo.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, 6, 7, 8.

OK.

Go.

And 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

And 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16,

17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.

Paula!

Your jazz pops have got to be crisper.

I realize that, James!

Let's just-- let's just do the Broadway thing.

Let's do the Broadway thing.

I'm never going to be a dancer!

Paula.

Paula!

Paula.

Paula.

Wonder who he's telling all his tales to.

Wonder who is telling her his tales.

So many tales to be

told, but the only tale to tell is the tale they never told.

Today it's time to tell the untold tale.

God, I hate that freaking song.

You're so cranky.

Let's-- let's just take a hike, OK.

Let's take a hike.

I'm going to hike like no one's watching.

I want to find some wildlife.

Shh.

Paula, look.

It's a stallion.

We must tame it with our kindness.

I'm a horse whisperer, James.

I got this.

What's your name?

What are you talking about?

Oh.

Are you kidding?

You're not talking about me, are you?

What's with all this sotto voce?

I-- I thought I was your best friend.

Come here.

Verbena, this is James.

James, Verbena.

She says she can't hear you.

You're talking too quiet.

Can I have my horse back?

Call me!

Try the cell first.

You want to do some more hiking?

I want to go inside and have squirt cheese with Pringles.

We can pick the ticks off each other.

Come on.

Suck it, nature!

Suck it, nature!

James, looking back, I'm glad that we were not

sexually compatible in college.

I'm glad you're my friend.

Come here. - Me too.

Come here.

Yeah. Stop.

Come on. Just go with it.

Try it. No, no.

Try it. Just try it!

Sorry. Try it.

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, this

is your conductor speaking.

We have been held momentarily by the train's dispatcher.

Damn it.

We should be moving shortly.

We do not apologize for the inconvenience.

Yeah, you heard that right.

We do not apologize for the inconvenience.

From now on, we are no longer going to apologize when we

have nothing to be sorry for.

The world is uncertain.

It's impossible to be perfect.

And you're just going to have to deal with it.

How about this, you babies?

Every week, people die on the subway tracks.

And we never make them deal with it.

While you're busy tweeting that the MTA sucks,

we're busy scooping dead bodies out of dark tunnels.

We are so sorry for the inconvenience.

Hey!

Remember when Sandy happened, and we had the trains

running again in three days?

Y'all forgot about that shit real quick!

To be clear, I am not a rogue subway conductor.

This is now the official MTA policy.

Just tell everyone to be a goddamn adult

till the train start moving.

If you don't like it, you could go to some other city

with a shittier subway system.

Oh, wait!

That's every other city in the world.

So on behalf of the entire MTA, you!

Also, a reminder that the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, C, E, B, D,

F, V, N, Q, R, J, N, Z and G trains

are not running this weekend!

Have fun on our shitty ass buses instead!

Stay clear of the closing doors.

Welcome to Cock Tales.

I'm little Esther.

And my guest today is Lauren Lapkus.

Hi.

Uhh.

OK.

So these are real questions from elementary school kids

who are in the sex ed class.

Wow.

That's so early.

Is it?

No, maybe it's not. I was in fifth grade.

Not when I lost my virginity.

If it only takes one sperm to make a baby,

what do you do with all the stuff left over?

Keep it in a jar.

Around your neck?

Or like on the kitchen table? - Oh, a vial.

That would be great. - I--

You can just throw it up there if you want another one.

I feel like they'd make good pets.

Oh! So cute.

A bowl of those, like-- - Sea monkeys?

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Just get an aquarium full of sperm.

Oh.

What do they eat?

juice.

What is the purpose of pubic hair?

It's like, just to kind of hide your vagina.

What were some of your embarrassing adolescent

misconceptions about sex?

I don't think I knew what a blowjob was.

It sounded like-- I don't think the word goes with it.

What would be a better name for a blowjob?

Like, a big suck.

Like, can I stop this?

Yeah. Yeah.

We don't need a name.

Let's just get rid of it.

Blowjobs are too '90s.

Yeah.

They're so dated.

Like, let's move on.

Now it's all about butts.

It is all about butts!

So you're married.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of tips would you give

other married couples to keep married life interesting?

Just keep cheating.

Have you guys, like, pooped in the same room together?

No way! I would never do that.

Are you serious?

I would never do that with anyone.

I would do that on a first date.

No guy has ever seen me pee or poo.

You've never peed on anybody?

I've peed in their mouth.

They had their eyes closed.

If you wanted to let a guy know from across the bar

that you were interested, what would you do?

I would flash him.

Mm.

That's the right answer.

Yeah.

What would you do? Oh, yeah.

Blinking.

They'll definitely come over and ask you if you're OK.

What's the sexiest way you think to sit down on a couch?

Like, if you were a Bond girl, how would you sit on a couch?

Oh.

Should I show you?

Oh, you're right.

But now I have nowhere to go.

OK.

I'm going to try to guess your first sexual partner

in 10 seconds. - OK.

- Frank. - No.

- Rob. - Ted.

No.

- Rick. - No.

- Jake. - No.

- Josh. - No.

- Dan. - No.

- Luke. - No.

I really think you might get it, though.

- Will. - No.

- William. - No.

- Bill. - Like, first ever anything?

Yeah.

No.

What do you think Hillary Clinton's orgasms sound like?

Get me that file!

OK.

So I'm going to play two audio clips.

And I want you to tell me which one

is a group of howling monkeys and which one is a couple

climaxing at the same time.

OK.

Great.

OK.

Now, before you think, like, oh, that's so obvious.

I just want you to listen to the second one.

OK. Oh, fuck yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here it goes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What advice would you give your teenage self?

Don't waste your time liking people who don't like you.

I was once dating a guy that didn't like me.

I've dated a lot of people who don't like me.

They would never date me.

I feel like that's pretty good that you got that far.

Thank you.

I would just lay in bed and be like, oh.

They're all weird, and they're all ugly now.

I'm trying to work on my role playing.

Mm-hmm.

So maybe you could, like, give me some pointers or whatever.

Yeah.

I mean, like, think of like, a person in society

that you would like to be.

And then you get to be them.

Like, what's something that sounds attractive to you?

A French maid.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be the client.

And you're my maid. - OK.

Hello, Monsieur.

Hi.

You didn't clean up any of my pubic hair.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Monsieur.

OK.

Well, get back in there and clean those floors.

It's disgusting.

I have family coming.

OK.

So that was-- scratch it.

OK.

I can just be myself.

Yeah, that's probably better.

Yeah.

If you could redesign the penis, what would it look like?

That's perfect.

Yeah.

It's a heart-shaped balloon.

And the idea is that it's just really fun to look at,

and it's pleasant.

And then when you're done, you can

just pop it or let it go away.

My Grammy Rose is here to give us some advice.

Oh!

I love grandmas.

Hey, Grammy.

The biggest erogenous zone is the mind.

You want to have great sex, have them fuck your mind first.

Like, through your ear?

Lauren, thank you so much for being my friend

and coming on my show.

Thanks for having me.

This is a condom balloon I give you as a parting gift.

Than you.

It's flavored.

Blue raspberry.

Oh.

Teresa, are you sure the fuse box is in here?

I'm positive.

One time, the electrician Joe came in here

to blow his fuse in my box.

Get it?

I think so. Sex?

- Sure. - Mm.

Whoa.

What's that?

Looks like a creepy will with a half-finished signature.

Teresa!

Your sister looks possessed.

She is possessed!

I see.

Yes, before we go any further, you should

know I'm not a notary exorcist.

I'm a clerk at Panera Bread.

I don't care!

Just get the demon out of my sister!

Tell us your name, demon.

Oh!

Of course.

El Notario.

He murdered 17 people with his pen.

And he used to have this office.

Tell us what you want, demon.

Oh!

May have to give him what he wants,

or he'll take your sister.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, your hand's shaking.

You know what you should have is some apple juice.

Now, if you walked into Panera and there's a jar full of bread

on the counter and you could guess how many pieces of bread

were in there and then you get to go home with all that bread,

would that be fun for you?

Because I've suggested it a couple of times, and nobody's

into it.

Dana!

Dana!

I'm back!

Oh.

That voice is even worse.

Why is my least favorite clerk at Panera here?

Fuck you.

Well, girls, the worst part of suing in a fiery hell broth--

no bathrooms.

You guys had a French toast bagel?

It's really good.

It tastes just like French toast if it

were in the shape of a bagel.

Now, the funny thing is if you toast

it, is that a French toast toast bagel?

I don't know.

But it's a little joke I've been telling everybody at work,

and nobody's been laughing.

And I wonder, is it my delivery?

Because Joan Rivers said you have

to be really good at delivery.

I am Ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels.

I play Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop.

And I play Teresa Fra Diavolo.

You know, this is not actually Kulie's first time

in zombie makeup, is it?

No, it isn't.

I was an extra on "The Walking Dead."

And I was fired because I actually bit a man.

ASHLAHEIGH BRAUN-SAMUELS: Yeah.

Yeah.

He became septic, didn't he?

Right.

Well, I had an open MRSA on my tongue.

Yeah.

So that was probably why.

Thank you so much for watching this

exclusive behind-the-scenes look at Notary Publix.

Filthy.

That's a straight shot.

Just a straight shot right out.

There she goes.

Da, da, da, da.

7 minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi.

This is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with comedian, Jim Gaffigan.

Hi. How are you?

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming, Jim.

This is great to be here.

You've got the skin cancer.

- Yeah. - So do I.

Let's get it out of the way. You do?

Yeah. I mean, well, I do.

Like-- like, your dermatologist.

Do you go twice a year? You should.

Right? - Yeah.

Like, I go there.

And my dermatologist is like, thanks for the summer house

because I go there so often.

And your whole family?

And I have these kids, and he's just like, yes!

You recently got cast in the show, "The Jim Gaffigan Show."

Yes, I did.

I love it.

My uncles back in the South Side of Chicago, a little bit more

blue collar-- you know where I'm going with this--

they say, they're always like, oh, they should

bury the turn more in act one.

Yeah.

But good to see Gaffigan got his voice out

in such a pure, distilled way.

Yeah.

What do you-- what do you-- when like, people

off the street are giving--

When they're like, they're like, you know,

how about just watching some "Better Call Saul"

and just kind of mixing up the story structure a little bit.

I deal with that a lot.

Your mom was, she was like, she could predict things.

Yeah.

I was going to bring her up in the sense that you are her--

let me see if I say this right.

Lover?

Is it lover?

Yeah.

You are her lover.

Lover.

And so don't do that anymore, please.

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, I respect your dad, but the heart

wants what the heart wants.

Do you?

OK.

Is it actually true that you and your wife and five kids

as recently as a year and a half ago were

in a two-bedroom apartment?

- That's true. - That's really true?

Yeah, that is true.

But it's not as if we weren't allowed to leave.

And there was--

What do you say when people say, oh, Jim Gaffigan,

he grabbed my butt so hard, he's a butt-grabber, he's the Bill

Cosby of butt grabbing?

I'm a fan of butts.

I mean, I usually--

But you shouldn't be able to just do that?

No, you shouldn't.

You shouldn't.

Well, change, man.

I think relationships, it's so much chemistry, right?

So like--

Yeah.

But-- but sometimes there's objectively a mouth

shape that doesn't match with yours.

Right.

Do you feel--

I mean, cause some of that is, you're kissing animals.

I mean--

Right.

Because some of the times, their mouths go so wide.

Like a wolf.

Like a wolf.

And they're toothy!

Yeah.

That is a problem.

Like, when you're trying to kiss a wolf,

that's not-- or an alligator, that's not going to work out.

I've never had that observation with a human woman.

You're right.

You're right.

But you're right.

Like, alligators are like, do I not like her?

Or is it the-- yeah.

I'm married.

So I'm never going to kiss another woman again.

That's it.

Come in.

Who the hell is that?

This is called Unverifiable High

School Teacher Impersonations.

Yes.

So there's Mr. Balwinder, who retired.

Gaffigan.

Huh.

You're awake.

And then there's Mr. Walter, who used to talk like this,

who had like, coffee breath.

This is called New Joke Car Wash.

OK.

We've never done this.

So we're both going to spin in place

like two car wash brush things.

Yeah. Um.

Um.

Is it weird that we chose cookies

to be the thing that Girl Scouts are going to sell us?

I mean--

How do we even know they're made from those little girls?

Do you believe in, like, a spectrum of sexuality?

Like, a guy can be married with five kids

and like, just fully just, like, French kiss on another guy,

and it's like, it doesn't mean he's not the one thing

or he's not the other?

No, not really.

No.

Well, it has been super good having you, man.

It's been-- yeah, it's great.

We should probably get back out there, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway.

Real quick, though.

The funny thing--

You did play football.

I could tell from that push.

I know, right?

I was the defensive lineman.

That was a good, strong football push.

Now this is almost funny because it's so inappropriate.

Uh-huh.

But this was the teenage boys' approach.

Right.

It's amazing.

To try to get someone in a closet,

you needed this construct and everything that--

Yeah.

It was just a--

What exit--

Um, Jim, you can't get out.

You're not going anywhere.

Da, da, da, da.

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Jack, listen to me.

This is our chance to escape.

Truck.

Truck.

Wiggle out.

Wiggle out.

Jump.

Jump.

Run.

Run.

CVS.

CVS.

Buy Amy a pack of ciggies.

Buy Amy a pack--

No.

That's not the plan.

Start over.

Thank you for letting us do this interview.

We're grateful for your story.

And you, who are you?

I'm their roommate!

Hello.

Hi.

I want to thank Malibu Rum.

I drink your product all the time.

I would love to be your spokesperson.

Just send a big ass case to Amy, care of old nag.

Address, Room.

For five years, you made life in that prison as normal

as you could.

It's a rainbow.

And you, you routinely shaved your armpits

over the sink and attempted what I'm told

are called upper deckers.

That's like a regular dump, but you do it in the top tank.

OK.

I'm sorry.

This is what we're going to talk about on national television?

What are we going to talk about?

Your dumb kid?

Today we're going to bake a cake.

Better be gluten-free.

What?

You want me to fill up a room with gluten farts?

Just don't eat the cake!

I'm going to eat the cake.

But the aftermath is going to be foul.

I hate her.

I work out naked so I can see results right away.

It was torture.

We had to escape.

From the man who held you captive?

From Amy.

She scream sings in her sleep.

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

I am so sorry.

You're going to love it.

Love what?

The world.

No.

Don't lie to the kid.

There's a lot of dick wads out there.

They're always firing you and telling

you stole money from the register

and dumping you for Stacy.

Why are you even in here anyway?

I am-- that's a good story.

I got drunk, and I fell through the skylight.

No.

No, I'm not hungry.

I'm always hungry.

I know.

You had keys the whole time!

Yeah.

Duh.

But it's Old Nick's only extra set.

So I can't like, lend them out.

Did you tell somebody about us?

No way.

I wasn't going to make two stops.

I made one stop.

And it was a cheese doodle stop.

Oh.

Now I'm sad, too.