Original subtitles

Hi.

I'm Nance Bodean.

Do you want to get into shape but are afraid of exercise?

Do you want to see positive changes in your body

but don't like moving?

Do you want your feet not to fall off from diabetes?

Then why aren't you power walking?

Did you know all the benefits of power walking,

things like endorphin rush, belly fat reduction, heightened

sexual intercourse, thinned feet,

heightened sexual intercourse, and winning.

You might be asking yourself, but Nance, can I handle it?

And I'm here to tell you that yes, you can.

In fact, anybody can power walk--

ponies, goblins, ghouls, janitors, grandfathers,

warriors, ponies, custodians, Asian-Americans, Asian Asians,

even dogs.

Ain't that right, Kev?

With me today is my friend Lorraine.

Lorraine is new to power walking,

but I'm going to show her just how easy it is.

Ready to get started, Lorraine?

OK.

Does it hurt when I do this?

No.

How about when I do this?

- Yes. - Yeah?

- No. - Good, good, good.

No.

Push it out and then in.

Push it out and then in.

Push it out and then-- good. Good.

I think you're ready-- you're ready to go.

You're ready to go.

Let's get started.

Almost like you're having sex with your own body.

Chafe it and chafe it.

Chafe your thighs.

Chafe your thighs and keep them tight.

Keep them tight. You are hard.

You are doing it.

No wobbling.

Keep yourself from wobbling.

Good.

Squish your tush against your bush.

You're doing a good job, Lorraine.

Getting a little ahead of me, which is actually

not part of the program.

You know what?

I appreciate it if you stay a little bit closer, Lorraine.

Lorraine, slow down, though.

Slow down, Lorraine.

I agree.

Lorraine!

I agree.

Lorraine!

See?

Anybody can power walk.

It's that easy.

Right, Lorraine?

That's my name.

Keep going. Power walk.

Right, Kev?

Everywhere you go.

Hi. I'm Glenn.

I work here at Above Average.

And I have some questions for Patty, our head of HR,

as to what I can and can't do here in the office.

So Andrew's with me today and we are going to act out

some hypothetical situations.

And you're going to tell us whether we can or can't

do those things in the office, because the rules here

are really complicated and I don't know what they are.

Is that OK?

Sounds great.

- Hey, Glenn. - Yeah, Andrew.

What's up?

Somebody photocopied their butthole on the office printer.

Was that you? - Yes.

Cool.

That's fine.

And scene.

Guys.

Well-- - No?

No.

Why would that be an issue?

I don't think the copy machine likes it, for one.

But it's my butthole.

But it's kind of like free pornography in the office.

Mm-hm.

- No. - OK.

That's no.

OK, next scene.

Hey, can I steal this work laptop?

- Yes, good idea. - Great.

I'm on drugs right now. - Me, too.

I got them from Tim.

Tim is my favorite coworker

because he sells me drugs.

My pants are see-through.

And scene.

Mm-hm.

So I want you guys to tell me if you think that's OK.

Yes.

Yeah, that's fine.

I like that you're asking each other

for permission for things.

But stealing is not OK.

Drugs are not OK.

Tim, you have to stop selling drugs.

Oh, and the clear pants-- it's like the pornography thing,

except there's clear pants over--

There's something in between my body and people, though.

They can't grab him with the see-through pants.

That's never the threat.

So in this next scene, I'm interviewing Andrew.

Hello, Andrew. I'm Glenn.

I'm the boss. - Hello, Glenn.

You're very beautiful. - I know.

Anyway, are you good at computers?

- Yes. - Do you know Excel?

- Yes. - How big is your wee-wee?

Huge.

You're hired.

And scene.

I got the job.

I love that you asked him if he could do Excel.

Mm-hm.

What was the first thing you asked him?

- "Are you good at computers?" - "Are you good at computers?"

I'm glad he's good at computers,

although I don't know what that means.

And then the last thing I asked him was,

"How big is your wee-wee"?

I don't think that's important for the job.

I have my booby size on my resume.

I did not see it on there.

It's the first thing.

It says, "Glenn Boozan, size perfect."

So this next one is us.

We're in a meeting.

Gentlemen, raise your hands if you have a boner.

I rest my case.

And scene.

Case dismissed.

So this would be OK if it was

just you guys with the other writers in the writers room.

You're saying if I'm out in the bullpen or in the kitchen,

can't pop a boner.

That seems unfair.

He should be able to pop a boner.

I feel like I could pop a boner.

This is America.

Because sometimes things give you boners and you don't know.

I would rather someone tell me they have a boner

than me have to guess whether or not they have a boner.

I don't want to be pointing at people's shorts and going,

do you have a boner?

I can't spend all day doing that.

We have enough on our plates.

We can't handle all the interruptions all day of who

and who has a boner all day long.

Well, we have hired a lot of men.

So that's your fault.

We can send out an email to everyone

in the office that says, "I have a boner right now.

Watch out."

No.

Feel like it can't be controlled.

Hey, Stick. What's up?

- Oh my god. - Not much.

How's your hanging?

My hanging real low.

Did you see that game last night?

Oh my god.

yeah I saw the game.

It made me want to blow my load into my own ...

MotherMother sucks just be

sitting on their .

And--

Scene.

Are you kidding me?

We'll just do it.

And then if it's wrong, you'll tell us no.

That's all we have for you today, Patty.

That's all we have, Patty.

I'm sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable.

But it was for science.

Anything's OK in the pursuit of science.

Friends for 30 years--

we've been writing comedy.

Now, we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley--

"Hudson Valley Ballers."

What? What?

Good morning.

Morning.

Had a dream that you and I were both deer.

We were so sexy.

Speaking of sexy, how do I look doing yoga?

Well, this is your first time, right?

Thanks to my hot flashes, all yoga's hot yoga to me.

That's what they said on the funnies today.

That Kathy, she's a pip.

I'll tell you something.

Holy sweet Jesus.

Oh.

Look, little one gave us an invitation.

Oh, it looks like the feminists are doing a powwow

at the barn today, James.

Is that like a cat breastfeeding circle?

No, James.

You know what?

I think I'll tell my cousin Feliz to go.

She's looking to meet new friends.

She just moved here 12 years ago.

Oh, Blake's hosting it.

Oh my gosh.

I lived with her once.

We shared expenses for three years.

I wanted to welcome you to the Autumnal

Vajumnal of the Wo-mon's Symposium

of the Hurdston Valley.

I probably should have called it "Vag-ley,"

looking at it in hindsight.

But we got a lot on the dickless docket today.

So I just want to make sure I cover all this.

I want to thank you first on a personal level

for all the compliments on my new 'do.

I grew it out because I wanted to, not because I should have.

I have a new album coming out here.

It's just called Blake--

"To What End?"

No last name, just "Blake."

It's really hard to spell my last name

so we went ahead with--

Blake, can we just do this thing?

Would you get off my balls?

One thing I did want to talk about today is strip clubs.

Strip clubs are like the seasons.

They're going to happen.

I think that we should try to rally around these strip clubs

and at least create a safe room for the strippers.

You know-- you know what the safe room

in the strip club should be?

The strip club.

Don't let men in there.

Just let women in there.

Hey, girls.

Come on in.

Sorry I'm late.

My husband wanted me to iron his shirt.

So you know how that goes.

Just put my bottom right here.

You know, men really love my bottom.

I'm like, what's wrong with the front.

And you are?

Feliz.

Very nice.

Welcome.

Hey, it's OK my purse is there, right?

It's perfectly fine. - Great.

OK.

I'm going to bring up some more topics here.

One is breastfeeding in public, guys.

You know, it's like we're feeding a life here.

These are not for your erections.

My husband loves my boobs.

He calls them his antidepressants.

That's terrific.

That's good to know.

What do you think?

What am I looking at?

This, this, and this.

You know, the most important thing is that we feel powerful

as women in our relationships, whether we're

with a man or a woman.

Yes, empowered.

You know when I feel the most powerful?

When my legs are even tan.

What?

That's an external thing.

That's not your real power.

What's inside?

What's inside your legs?

Well, that's-- let me tell you something.

If you want to have a credit card in your purse

and you want to go shopping at the mall,

then you are going to make your husband happy.

You hear me?

What makes me happy is being a woman,

a woman with these and these that I bought for me,

my hey-hey, all of that.

You know, what-what?

That makes me happy.

Don't get upset or anything.

We're not judging you here.

You know what?

Maybe you girls should try smiling a little more.

Maybe you should try wearing some pantyhose.

I don't know.

That's offensive.

Talk through it, ladies. - But guess what?

Guess what, girls?

None of you are getting the rose!

Not you, not you, none of you!

I have an entire rose garden.

What are you talking about?

I'm out of here!

Oh, let me--

come on, guys.

We've got to embrace everybody here.

Oh.

I'm sorry it got rough in there.

Those women, they talk and they talk and they talk.

And they don't take shit.

Wear comfortable bras.

Make a little bit of sense.

I think I want to go back in there.

Well, lady.

That's a cute belt. Are you a championship wrestler?

I'm just an old lesbo with a bum back.

Come on.

Hey, Saunders.

Hey, look down, man.

Oh!

Oh, no!

Was that his dick?

What are you doing, man?

Oh, gosh!

No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, honey.

Just grumpy.

I saw a dick today.

Saunders is waving to me.

I give him a wave back.

Great exchange.

Then he goes-- he starts pointing down.

At what?

I'll try anything once, you know?

I look down and his dick is out.

It's ruining my day, all right?

Hey, just-- just take the day off.

Go.

Don't worry about it.

I don't think you have the power to do that.

I've sent-- I've sent other guys home.

Oh!

No!

Twice!

That just turned my world upside down!

Dear diary, saw a dick today.

Just got so excited when I saw the wave.

I'm riding high on that wave.

Points down-- there you go.

I think it's all part of his plan.

What did you think you were going to see?

A cool dog or something.

It could be anything down there.

Ah.

Man.

Oh!

That's what I'll do to your face!

Oh, man!

A dick!

Dick!

It's a dick!

Look at other things.

Dick!

Yeah!

No!

Leave me alone.

Hey!

No way!

Look down?

Oh, man!

Dog dick!

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's--

Muriel Rosenberg.

Where'd I get this bruise?

Hey, you guys, we're late with rent again.

So Muriel?

I'm waiting on my Social Security check.

You got a problem?

Take it up with Uncle Sam.

Oh, Muriel, this cup is in the bathroom for me

to rinse my beautiful Jewish teeth, not

for you to soak your dentures.

Don't get your panties in a knot, Valentino.

Those are my fancy dentures, hardly used.

I can't take this right now, OK?

I'm on edge.

If I don't have sex by tonight, it'll

officially be a dry spell.

You want to talk about dry?

I--

Please don't.

Schmidt, look, let's go out tonight.

I'll be your wingman.

Thank you, Winston.

I'll call up some of my boys and we'll

see what's hot tonight.

Before you go, could you please get me

another hot water with lemon?

Oh, and my hemorrhoid pillow.

You do know he's not the help, right?

Oh, listen, boys, my friend Zelda Weiner

is coming over to play bridge.

So you better put some plastic down

because, as you may recall, she has a very unwieldy bladder.

Ah.

Oh.

Much better.

Hey.

You must be Zelda.

Oh.

Where's the bathroom? Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I gotta go.

Get out of my way.

I gotta go.

Oh, I hope I make it.

I guess they better put some plastic down.

Oh.

Muriel, I'll cover your rent until you get your check.

But I think it's time maybe you should start looking for a job.

You know I can't leave the house.

Remember what happened last time?

Does an elderly woman live here?

She's suspected of mowing down an entire farmer's

market with her Buick.

Tell them I died.

A hit-and-run's pretty serious.

I still think you should turn yourself in.

Why?

So I can get sent to one of those Obama death panels?

Those don't exist.

Gee, Zelda must have fallen asleep on the can again.

Yes.

The spell is broken.

Oh, you might want to wipe that yellow Schmidt on your face.

Yeah.

Why can I never get the channel

for "Murder, She Wrote"?

Feel like we have this conversation every day.

What was that supposed to mean?

It's on our DVR, Muriel.

It's all-- it's 90% of our DVR is "Murder, She Wrote."

Honestly, Sara, I want to see you be brave.

Yeah, that's a line from my song, "Brave."

Oh, really?

I don't know that one.

I guess because I don't live in a Starbucks.

Yeah.

It's not in Starbucks.

I don't live in a Starbucks.

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you were born in Eureka, California.

Yeah.

What was that like?

It's awesome.

It's a sweet little small town in Northern California.

Eureka!

Yeah.

It's a phrase that you say when you found it.

No, but my folks still live up there.

And it's beautiful.

It's right on the water.

And it's in the redwood forest.

And um--

Eureka!

Would you like to do one together or--

No.

Anyway, it's-- yeah, I loved it there.

I really-- I had a-- had a great childhood.

And it was really--

it was fun to--

are you going to just keep doing that?

OK, I don't get it.

You're a platinum-selling female pop star.

Yet I've never read about you in any of the tabloids

that I steal from the grocery store.

So I'm just wondering, have you ever thought about,

like, maybe having a public meltdown, you know,

because I have.

No, I haven't.

And I sort of like staying private.

Well, here's what my public meltdown would look like.

Get me my agent!

Get me my manager!

I'm having a public meltdown!

You know, just kind of try, you know, just like--

Just like--

Can you do this for me?

Will you just yell, like, where's

my agent and my manager?

The stuff's a mess.

Can you just--

I could.

I could actually do that right now.

OK. Let's see it.

Yeah.

Seriously?

So have you ever thought about putting

a parental advisory label on your album,

like, "This music is for parents only"?

I do have a parental advisory because I swear on the record

before this one.

What does the swearing sound like?

Does it sound like, aw, shucks.

This darn thing.

Can't even get-- you know, everyone, get in the car.

You know, guys, put your shoes back on.

We just got to the restaurant.

Is that what your swearing sounds like?

You want me to tell you what a

I think you're being right now?

Get edgy right now?

Start dropping swear words left, right, and center?

Does that feel good?

Is this what you're wanting from me?

I wore leather.

That's hard.

I loved that.

Oh my god.

OK.

Now, let's talk about your juvenile music more.

OK, I'm going to read you some of the lyrics

from your song "Brave."

And I'm going to give you some feedback.

OK.

"Say what you want to say and let the words fall out.

Honestly, I want to see you be brave with what you want to say

and let the words fall out.

Honestly, I want to see you be brave.

I just want to see you.

I want to see you be brave."

What's so brave about saying what you want to say?

I say what I want to say all the time, OK?

And I get labeled as out-of-touch.

I mean, what's the bravest thing you've ever done,

except dressing like you tripped and fell

into an LL Bean sample sale?

I just don't like you very much.

It's incredible.

Have you ever thought about, like,

maybe doing some club music, because EDM is a huge thing

right now, you know?

Maybe your song could be more like,

"I want to see you be rave," you know?

I just want to see you dance and do designer drugs

and, like, go like this all the time.

I want to see you be rave."

Beat.

That-- honestly, that looks more like a public meltdown.

You're a hot guy who drives women crazy.

But you might not be lighting up as much pussy as you could be.

That's why there's holding babies for hot guys.

When a hot guy does literally anything,

it's impressive.

So when a hot guy picks up a baby,

it's like drenching the room in sex kerosene

and lighting a well-hung match.

If you're a tall, symmetrical male with 11% body

fat, holding babies is specially formulated

to dial up your natural hotness until women feel

like their clits will explode.

When straight women see a hot guy holding a baby,

they're reminded that he's a potential daddy.

Once the brain is flooded with daddy particles,

all the excess moisture and blood

flows right down to the genitals,

making everything slippery and hot.

Holding babies should not

be used in combination with any other super hot activities.

Tell your doctor if you're already walking out

of the ocean in jeans, wiping crude oil off your brow,

riding a motorcycle through a vineyard,

or cooking a meat-based meal in a beautiful kitchen,

as this may result in a full-on bacchanalian

murder fest.

Results for holding babies may vary.

Do not exceed the recommended holding babies

dosage of 20 to 35 minutes.

Be sure to hand the baby back to whatever haggard woman you took

it from in the first place.

Oh, clean yourself up.

See you around.

Holding babies for hot guys--

because you already have everything.

Why not take a little more?

Get away from me, David.