Original subtitles

So what had happened was, I just got back from Amsterdam.

And I got good news, guys.

I lost my prostitute virginity.

I went there with my friends and Michelle.

And we went to the red light district one afternoon.

And my friend Michelle was like, yo, you're in Amsterdam.

You got to get a prostitute, you only YOLO once.

So I just started going up to all of them, the prostitutes.

They just like, hang out in the window.

And they're just like, come on inside of me

stranger, because that's their life.

By the way, I am super nervous.

And then I realize, wait.

I'm about to have a prostitute sex sober.

I don't even have regular sex sober.

I've got to get sauced up.

So I go across the street to this pub,

and I just start slamming the shittiest plastic bottle

tequila on Earth.

I took shot after shot after shot.

Whoo.

And then, I go oh, no, no, no.

Wine, I should have wine, because I usually

drink wine when I make love.

So I just start slamming a bunch of box wine, that's

even worse than the tequila.

And then, I'm just sickly drunk.

And I put on my hoodie.

And I stumble out of there.

And I go up to the first prostitute

that looks slightly attractive.

And I'm like hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

How much for this inside?

And the first girl was like, um, no thanks.

But I thought she was on the phone.

So then, I'm like, oh, I'll just wait,

which is even worse, because now, I'm just lurking

and blocking her clients.

And then, she goes, seriously.

I'm not interested.

And then, it was like, what?

So then, I go back to and Michelle.

And I say yo, I just got rejected by a prostitute.

And goes, hmm, let me

go check if she's racist, because

is Caucasian.

And when goes up, she's like, come on in.

No problems here.

Green lights.

So then, I walk back up to her and I

go, lady, if you don't let me inside your vagina,

you are racist.

So I walk away, and my tail's between my legs.

And I stumble across this cute Moroccan girl.

And she's game!

She brings me over to this bed that has

more stains than surface area.

So we start going at it, and it is amazing.

I'm just like, wow.

This girl that has sex for a living

is really good at having sex.

And it's getting hot and heavy.

She's moaning and groaning.

She's like, oh, oh, oh, [coughing fit]...

And she has the world's worst whooping cough I have

ever heard in my entire life.

This is the cough I imagine Beethoven had on his deathbed.

She's coughing up fully rolled cigars and chunks

of Copenhagen. And afterwards, she

tried to make chit chat, which was awkward because she

spoke little to no English.

And she was like, .

Last year, sleep outside, kaboom.

I was like, sleep outside?

Are you all right?

Do you want more than 50 euros?

So when I got back to the States,

the number one question people would

ask me when I told them the story was,

did you wear a condom?

yes, I wore a condom.

Having sex with a prostitute is dancing on the edge

enough for me.

I'm not raw dog.

dude, I'm going to raw dog

a prostitute with tuberculosis while I shoot up snake venom,

because I'm ready to die.

But seriously kids, you put your penis raw dog

inside a prostitute, it comes out

looking like a pepperoni pizza.

Seven minutes in heaven, oh yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Seth Meyers.

Hi, Seth. - It's good to be here.

Thanks for coming.

I'll name a movie you've been in.

OK, great.

And you give me--

I like knowing there won't be

more than five of these.

you give me, if you can remember it,

what you would say is your character's most prominent

line, the big-- give me your big line from it,

or any line you remember.

"Journey to the Center of the Earth."

You can't go to the center of the Earth, Brendan Fraser.

"I Don't Know How She Does It."

Oh, "I Don't Know How She Does--"

oh, I remember a line, earlier.

I don't know how she does it.

The titular line.

I did have the titular line.

And I don't know how she does it.

That's right.

And then, the forthcoming-- spoiler alert--

"New Year's Eve."

Uh, OK, it's forthcoming, "New Year's Eve."

I think one of my lines is, is it New Year's Eve?

You got another one.

Yes.

This is called Mikey Thinks Stinky.

This is where I'm going to say some things

that I think are stinky.

And if you agree, you scratch your nose up and go, so stinky.

Mikey think stinky, rotten food.

So stinky.

Mikey think stinky, Michael Jackson's death.

No, I'm all right.

Mikey you think stinky, a toot.

Oh, like gas?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, depending on it.

But like yeah, so stinky, yeah.

Which of these adjectives applies to you?

OK.

Yes or no.

Passionate?

Yes.

Political?

Yeah.

Snugly?

Yeah.

Uh, aware of critics?

- Yeah. - Do you--

I think so.

I think "SNL" is one of those shows

that like, people kind of like, just are

like mainstream critical of.

- Mm-hmm. - Like, you'll sometimes like--

They'll get to you.

you'll like read a review in "The Economist" about like,

a book about the Titanic.

And somehow, they'll like zing "SNL" in it.

You're like oh, come on.

How did they find me here?

This is Closet Theater with Seth Meyers.

OK.

This is, I'm interviewing you about recent muggings

in your neighborhood.

I'm a news reporter.

And it's clear you want this interview to get auto-tuned,

because you're saying a lot of like quirky sayings

that could become the new boom goes the dynamite or double.

Gotcha.

So sir, if I can, there's been a number of muggings

in this area recently.

How's the neighborhood reacting?

People all getting mugged up in here.

People all getting mugged up in here.

Do you feel like um, this neighborhood is uh, less safe

than it was 10 years ago?

Now is the moment when the muggers are coming.

Look out for the muggers.

The muggers are coming.

Well, I'm out of questions.

Thank you so much for coming into the closet.

I had a really good time.

I did as well.

I've got a ton of respect for you.

I'm a big fan. - Thank you.

And so, it's fun to work with you and--

OK.

Could I tell you how I like it?

Yes.

OK.

I want them right there.

Uh-huh.

And I want us to not break eye contact.

OK.

Can I tell you how I like it?

Yeah, how do you like it?

I like it wet and sloppy, and all involving your uh, tongue--

Uh-huh.

and my top lip.

Oh, boy.

Sucky, huh?

Yeah, it's so much suckier.

Oh, boy.

It's so much suck-- well, for--

I-- no.

I mean, I don't feel like I have to--

- Not my bottom lip. - Stop doing that.

Like, is that your sales pitch?

There you go.

No, I'm not getting near that.

Now you're good, right?

The shelf?

You're going to shelf your lip at me?

Yeah.

I'll just rest it on your tongue.

the overpass?

Do you call this the overpass?

Give me-- give me your viaduct.

Wait, I'll put--

I'll rest my tongue on top of that.

OK, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Ay, ay, ay.

Uh-oh.

Get out of the house.

Who-- who's a there?

Get out of the house, Luigi.

Mario?

Mario's dead.

Huh?

This is no good.

Everyone you know is going to die.

Ay, ay, ay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

What?

Suck up the ghost.

Why don't you suck?

Come on.

Oh.

Oh.

When you die in here, you die in real life.

Oh.

Uh, my vacuum, it's a not a work.

What are you doing?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ah!

You're next.

T--T-- Toad?

Luigi?

No.

They made me eat it.

Eat what?

They made me eat my arm.

Stop.

Ay, ay, ay.

No, this is sick.

I taste like in a cream sauce.

Kill me, Luigi, kill me.

a pipe.

Ah!

Ouchy.

No, no meadow.

Do you like pain?

No, I don't like a pain.

I love pain.

Please, don't kill me.

Look at your brother.

No.

He died like a bitch.

No.

You're dead.

The game is over, Luigi.

Your game's over.

No!

Waluigi, number one, yeah.

Hi, and welcome to Cocktails.

My guest today, you've seen her in "Neighbors 2" and her show,

"Tawk."

Please welcome, Awkwafina.

Cheers.

That is straight bourbon.

So if anything I say to you or ask you

makes you feel uncomfortable, today's safe word

is Jaden Smith.

Jaden Smith.

Hey, was that our practice?

- I'm uncomfortable right now. - Oh, OK.

- Um-- - What should we do?

No, we can keep going.

OK, OK.

OK, I'm going to list some qualities.

OK.

I want you to tell me whether they're a turn on or turn off.

OK.

Kisses his dog?

Turn off.

Come again?

Dogs lick their own buttholes--

Mm-hmm.

so turn on.

Writes you poems?

Turn off.

What I hate is when guys play the guitar--

No, that's--

and-- and then like, they give you that dead eyes guitar

stare, because they're not listening

to you and they're expecting you to listen to them.

And they're giving you-- and you're talking to them,

and they're like.

I have a guitar at my place.

And I have a friend that comes over.

And whenever he reaches towards the guitar, I'm like, no, no.

Like, I have to-- - Yeah, yeah.

Like, I should throw it out.

Because they always play like the first

four seconds of "Blackbird," and then-- and then mess up.

And they're like, wait, hold on. I got it.

- Has a cat? - Turn on.

Why?

Don't you feel like you have to compete with the cat?

No, I'm not competing with it.

I'll kill the cat.

I will kill the cat and eat it.

I won't eat the cat.

I am not going to throw my people under the bus.

If there is a porn based on your life,

what would it be called?

Mulan Splooge.

What's the name of your go-to sex move?

And what is it?

Washing my vagina in the sink, right before we have sex.

And you're like an angry squirrel in there.

It's not only the-- it's everything.

Like, the butt?

Like, I'll put--

Do you do the bird bath so--

I'll shave my leg.

he can eat the booty like groceries?

No, no, no one's eating the booty.

Wait, what?

I'm not-- I'm just not-- my glasses

are getting fogged because of--

I'm like, sweating a little bit.

I wanted to offer you this parting gift--

Oh, cool.

as a way of saying thank you.

I've never gotten a gift in my life.

I think you'll like this one.

- It's money. - Sort of.

It's money.

I will take that.

Did somebody order a fire?

No.

Music.

Oh, my god.

Really?

Oh.

Do you love it?

Um, he's not even good.

Oh.

Oh no, what do you want to touch?

I can't.

No, no, no.

I feel gross even just throwing dollar bills at him.

Here, do you want this?

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna just like--

Taped in the office that rejected

pitches is normally taped in, it's the Rejected

Pitches Oscar Special.

Hey there, little boy.

Did you get lost and sent to a room?

You're my son's friend, aren't you?

The Beasts of the North Pole is such a

powerful and emotional script.

Oh, thank you.

I love Hush Puppy.

She's so sassy.

I think everything else can go, though, including her.

No one's going to watch a poor little girl running around

in rags for an entire movie.

So let's get rid of the poor people, make them rich.

That'll be more fun.

We can have champagne, caviar.

Oh, pearl necklaces.

Oh, my god.

And don't have the dad die, too sad.

Have him almost die, then get better and be fine and be rich.

Ooh, I could see Jon Voight as the dad.

Ooh, as a sexy, frail, rich white woman as Hush Puppy.

And they fight the beasts together, as a couple,

instead of just imagining them.

I think maybe, these ideas are bad.

Well, if you don't like these ideas,

you could just go back to the school bus where you came from.

Get out of here, little boy.

There's a little stop right outside.

Bye, bye.

"Silver Linings Playbook," what the hell does that mean,

David ?

Well, it alludes to the main character's mental illness

and the football subplot.

Oh, didn't like any of that, but I love

the man and the woman stuff.

Oh, so good, hate that they're mentally deranged.

Love the dancing competition.

Hate that they suck at dancing, though.

So let's leave the psychopaths in the loony bin

where they belong, and instead, focus

on two really great dancers.

Who are very mentally stable.

No, that would be a very different movie.

Yeah, silver dancers.

They could wear silver when they're dancing.

Let's make that movie.

Silver dancers, the silver dancers.

It's better than your movie, the silver dancers.

"Argo," a movie about the making of another movie.

I-- I'm-- I just don't get it.

Well, it's not really about the making of "Argo."

It's about the CIA pretending to make "Argo," in order to free

a group of hostages in Iran.

Lying about a movie that doesn't exist, now that's just

a waste of our time.

I say, we just make "Argo."

It's a sexy, Middle Eastern sci-fi flick.

And that sounds a lot more exciting

than some boring historical event that already happened.

Oh yeah, no facts, ooh, big turnoff.

Audiences hate that.

Plus, hostage situations are so depressing, especially

if you didn't ask for it.

Well, this is the first time we'd

be telling this story on film.

- So? - So what?

So?

What is it-- who cares about that?

Well, maybe they kept it a secret for so long

because it would make a crappy movie.

We're not going to make this piece of sand crap.

Get out of here.

You wrote the n-word a lot.

So, "Amour," I can't read a lick of this stuff.

But I was told, it's about an old woman who dies.

It sounds like a terrible idea for a movie.

The script is in French.

- What? - What just happened?

- What did he say? - I didn't hear.

What did he say?

Oh, he's like a little grandpa.

Is there a smelly foreign person here

who could tell this guy that movies are about young people

who like to have fun and kiss?

Really, there is something so horrible and painful about you.

I hate you, but I can't leave.

I can't look away.

So to look at you--

I have no idea what he's saying,

but I think he likes us.

I can't tell if I want him to make love to me or leave.

Tell me, too.

I want to know.

I wish I didn't hate this movie so much, because this

is really turning me on.

This is better than Tantric.

Let's play, would you rather?

We try to stump each other by asking

difficult, hypothetical questions.

Mm, I have one.

Annie, would you rather be vice president of the universe

or prime minister of the world?

Who cares?

Vice president of the universe, I guess.

Wrong.

I can't be wrong about my opinion.

And yet, you were.

That's not really the idea.

It's edgier stuff.

Like oh, would you rather walk across Severance Green

naked or wear the same dress for an entire year?

Dress.

The world would be a better place if humanity had uniforms.

Well, what if you couldn't wash it?

Unsanitary, I choose naked.

Hillary might be too sure of herself for this to be fun.

I've never struggled with the decision in my life.

We can stump her.

Oh, oh, would you rather have fish for hands

or have a horse head for your own head?

Fish hands.

Most human communication is nonverbal, facial cues, so.

Ooh, OK.

Would you rather die a virgin or die unelected to public office?

Virgin, please Annie.

Hillary, would you rather never read another book again

or never see your family again?

Never see my family.

I love them very much, but I'm a grown woman

and they've given me what they can.

This will get her.

Give up on justice or give up on reform?

Reform, yeah.

You know, the current system isn't perfect,

but I believe you can affect change from within.

Hey, this is fun. - No.

- No, it's not. - It's not.

You're making it not fun.

No.

Let's play a new game.

OK, this is a game we used to play at camp.

It's called Secrets.

The way it works is, I mean, everyone just goes around

and you share a secret.

OK, I'll go first.

My secret is, I always wake up an hour before I have to,

so that I can get a jump start on the day.

Not like secrets to your success, risky stuff.

Mm-hmm.

What is with this whole blowjob thing, Annie?

Oh, I like to be in control.

I'll go.

I once stole sherry from the residence hall supply.

That sherry is terrible quality.

That is not the shocking part.

OK, I think I understand.

Uh-huh, OK, here's a secret.

I once dropped a class.

That's right, Professor Cutler's modern music class.

I don't get music.

What fine arts class did you take?

I didn't take one.

Well, you have to take an art or music class to graduate.

No Annie, that's wrong.

Those requirements expired with the 1965, '66 graduating class.

No, no, they were introduced for the 1965,

1966 first year class, us.

Hillary, you might not be able to graduate.

- Hi. - Hi.

Did you find everything OK today?

Yes, thank you.

Great, love this bag.

Me, too.

And $42.53.

OK.

Uh, that's a chip card.

You're going to have to insert it.

Oh, OK.

That and uh--

don't take it out.

Oh, sorry.

Can I--

No, leave it in.

What is this for?

It's a card with a chip on it.

Duh.

OK, and take it out.

Ooh, you should have left it in.

You just told me to take it out.

OK, try this.

Tap it, and then insert it, and then hit credit card, and then

type in your pin.

OK.

Um, it's saying press cancel.

Press cancel.

OK.

And it was canceled, so we have to start over.

Is that a good beep or a bad beep?

The beeps are the same.

Take it out.

But it says, do not remove card.

- Well, he's lying to you. - He?

Yeah, take it out.

- Ooh. - What?

Your identity just got stolen?

What?

No, he can't do that to me.

He?

- Are you kidding me? - Hold on.

I'm just going to fix this.

OK, swipe it. - Swipe the card?

Yes, I fixed it. You can swipe.

I can swipe this card?

It's a chip card. - Yeah, go ahead, swipe.

- OK, I'm going to swipe it. - OK.

- OK. - OK.

- OK. - OK.

All right, I'm about to.

- OK, swipe it. - OK.

Well, it's a chip card, so that didn't work.

- Ooh, I'm going to scream. - Ma'am, if you--

- I'm going to lose it. - Wow.

- Really? - Calm down.

Please, you're making a scene.

Let's just try it again.

Put it in sideways.

Yeah.

Put in two cards at once. OK, rip it in half.

It's made of plastic.

It's thick plastic.

Tap it. Charge it.

Trash it.

Change it.

upgrade it.

Pop it, then jiggle it.

Give me that chip.

- Oh, do you have Apple Pay? - Yes.

Great, we don't take that.

My card is not even in the thing.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Oh sorry, that's my ringtone.

Hello?

Well, he's not my son.

I don't know.

Ma'am, ma'am, stop, stop, please stop.

OK?

Please, just take a breath and hand me your ID.

Fine.

Thank you.

OK, this is a chip ID.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, here.

I just-- I was going to use this cash at the dog track.

Take it. Keep the change.

I don't want it back.

this place.

- Wow. - Hi.

Hi.

Uh, is that a chip card? - Oh, no.

Oh, perfect.

Here's $1,000.

Hey, thanks.

Thank you, come back soon.