Original subtitles

Check out Johanna's fugly booty shorts.

Grod.

Oh, my God.

Did mouth-breather Ryan just sit down next to Regina Spektor?

Ew, he's talking to her.

He is not talking. He is drooling on her.

He is drooling on her and talking about a comic book.

Oh, my God. No.

We have to save her. Oh, my God.

Regina. Regina Spektor!

It is so important. It's, like, life or death.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, my God. I feel so bad.

Hi, guys.

What's up?

Hi, nothing, we were just trying

to save you from getting drooled on by mouth-breather Ryan.

Aww.

We're really good people like that.

Totals.

What's up with Johanna's disgusting booty shorts?

I know. She's so hein, right?

Oh, my God. She's a pig.

- Ugh. - Well, actually.

But seriously though, what was mouth-breather

Ryan going on about?

Oh my God, was he trying to recruit you

for his Age of Empires team?

No, we were just talking new Batman movie.

Oh, my God.

I'm actually kind of dying to see it.

Me, too.

I love Christian Bale.

He's so hot.

Like, I want to have sex with him.

He's hot. He's hot.

I would do him twice.

I'd double do him twice.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Remember when we went to that midnight showing

of "The Dark Knight", and Kristen

Bulger was eating Ryan Plass's face in front

of us the entire night?

Oh, she's so gross.

I hate you.

I hate you so much.

You two, get a room.

Those movies are legit good, though.

They're classics.

It's like "Citizen Kane".

Like, OK, last week, our teacher, Mr. Karowski was,

like, going on about how Batman's the new anti-hero,

and, you know, if you like Batman, you'll love Macbeth.

No.

No, I know, but oh my God.

So then, he let the whole first period

class watch the whole thing, but he

was passed out under his desk.

Like down, out.

Dude, he was probably hung over.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

One time, I smelled puke on his breath,

and the puke smelt like whiskey. - Ugh.

Ew, that's so gross. I'm going to be sick.

Yeah.

Well, OK, but can we talk about how Catwoman

is in the new Batman?

She's kind of hot.

Obsessed.

Yeah, I love Anne Hathaway.

She makes pale cool.

I'm not sure if I love her or hate her.

- No, I hate her. - I know.

I kind of do, too, but I also kind of love her.

Not to sound like a serial killer,

but I want her skin so bad.

I know. - I do, too.

I do, too. I do, too.

But also, did you know that in the new Batman movie,

the Batmobile turns into a jet?

Yeah, in the trailer, it flies right up

the side of a building. - Shut up.

It's sick. So sick.

It really does. Go on.

And then Catwoman jumps in, and she's all like,

my mother told me not to get into cars with strange men,

and then Batman's all like, it's not a car.

Yeah, he's like, it's not a car, it's a jet.

Get in my Batman jet.

No, it's more like, it's more like,

get in my Batman jet, Anne Hathaway.

Yeah, Anne Hathaway, you're so pretty.

Oh my God, but I want to see that trailer so bad again.

I want to see it.

I haven't-- I know, I haven't seen it.

Yeah!

Mouth-breather Ryan has it, probably,

on that little hard drive he carries around, like,

every second of his life.

- No, he does not. - Oh, my God.

Mouth-breather Ryan! - Come here for a second.

Hey, Ryan.

Come sit with us.

Seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes In Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Olivia Wilde.

Hi, Olivia.

Hi.

You were named Sexiest Vegetarian of 2010 by PETA.

Did you know that? Do you remember?

I remember that, yeah.

Was there a--

Don't tell them about my seal.

That you brought a seal, a whole seal here.

It's a polar bear, actually.

The last one ever.

My producers are making me ask you about your dating history.

I'm sorry.

What?

Chris Matthews?

That's not real.

Yeah, it was meaningful.

It was cool?

Yeah, it was great.

The double rainbow guy, I thought--

that's-- - Yeah, that was purely sexual.

All right.

This is called Tell a Spa About a Couple Fight You Had.

Are we in the fight right now?

Thank you for calling ,,

this is Nona speaking.

How may I help you?

Hi, we wanted to tell you about a fight we

had when we were dating people.

When I was dating a girl, I visited her in France,

and we got in a terrible fight-- something

about jealousy or something.

I went for a walk because I was like,

oh, I got to get out of this apartment,

and I realized I speak no French,

and so I had to immediately go right back

and be like, I know we just had a fight,

but can I come back in?

And if you have one more second, there's one other quick story.

OK, I'm bored at work.

What is going on? - Ugh.

Oh, these are just couple fights we had.

Yeah. - Thank you.

Sorry, just one more minute.

Um, OK.

So, my issue is that I was dating this guy, and--

Oh, my gosh.

I have to go. Thanks, guys.

No, what?

Wait, how come he gets--

Do you know Gaelic?

Yeah, yeah.

How do you say in Gaelic, "I was in Cowboys and Aliens,

and I would like a free Guinness because of that"?

Aliens.

Guinness.

How much of that is real?

Everything.

Really?

Every last syllable, yeah.

Come on.

Hey, if that was real Irish, tweet us at Twitter.

All right.

So, in this closet theater, an evil wizard

has made it so I think my teeth are trying to get away from me.

OK.

To escape my mouth.

And you think that you have to wink

five times, give or take, per sentence,

or you're going to die.

Are you trying to tell me something?

No, I just--

Is there something wrong with my account?

Nothing's wrong with your account.

Oh.

I get what's going on here.

It's fine.

You're safe, and you look great.

You are loud and clear.

Thank you.

Back at you.

Well, what happens now?

It's six, seven-- It's been seven minutes.

Six, seven. Seven minutes in heaven.

Everyone's waiting.

Everyone's waiting outside like, what's gonna happen?

Everyone out there is expecting us to do something,

and I'm like, eh.

I know, right?

How does this part of the show work?

Just, uh--

Is this when we do the thing?

You just relax.

OK, just do what I do best, right?

Uh-huh.

I'm just going to put a hand on your back and shove.

A firm--

Is that what--

all right, just-- right here, right?

Yep. Is this--

Yep.

Now what happens?

Oh, yeah.

BROOKS WHEELAN Ah, Denmark.

Ranked as the number one happiest country

in the world year after year.

That's 17 spots higher than the United States.

Denmark is also one of the healthiest,

greenest, and most democratic countries in the world.

It is the birthplace of fairy tales

like "The Little Mermaid", LEGOs, and cheese danish.

Happy, healthy, and peaceful--

three words that have never been used to describe

any stand-up comedian.

If it's true that comedy comes from dark, unhappy places,

can humor survive in such a climate of happiness?

I'm Brooks Wheelan, and I'm in Copenhagen to find out.

One of the happiest things about Copenhagen is its canals,

so that seemed like a good place to start.

Hello.

Uh-oh.

Oh, .

Yeah.

You OK? - We're done.

Yeah? No.

Yeah, the rudder busted off.

No!

Yeah, we have a phone number to call them.

I mean, we don't have a rudder.

What?

We're being rescued by two strong, Danish men.

Nothing makes me feel like a worse American.

We got towed back.

They wanted to refund our money since we didn't use

the full two hours, basically showing us

that Denmark truly is the greatest country of all time.

Is this what it feels like to be Danish?

I couldn't wait to meet some happy Danish locals.

The world is told Denmark is the happiest country in the world.

Are you happy?

Right now I'm happy, yeah.

Yeah.

I think I'm happy, yeah.

Yes, I'm super happy.

- Really? - Yeah.

What's that like?

Have Danish people always been this happy?

To get a little historical perspective,

I headed to one of Denmark's most famous historic landmarks,

Rosenborg Castle.

This is my first castle.

I see.

It's very exciting for me.

Oh, my goodness.

My museum tour guide showed me around private rooms

that belonged to Danish kings--

some of whom, I quickly learned, were extremely creepy.

This is Frederick IV's room, who it turns out was a huge perv.

He would have people walk in here,

and then his desk was right there,

and he would just look up their skirts.

He was like, why don't you send in Brenda?

And the Brenda would come in, and she'd

be like, you wanted to see me?

And he's like--

And they apparently liked fart jokes.

You'd sit down, they would trap you--

Exactly.

And then spray water in your face?

Maybe not in your face, but just over here,

so you would get connotations--

They would spray like you had wet yourself?

Exactly.

In the end, when the poor person would get up,

there was a sort of a cushion.

Like a Whoopee Cushion, like it would

make it sound like they farted?

Exactly.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah.

Trapped, you piss yourself, everyone laughs.

Yes.

You say, I don't like it here, and you get up,

and then you fart.

Do you think, would you find it funny if someone did it to you?

- No, no. - Oh, my God.

Check it out.

It's the first eye roll ever captured on a stone sculpture.

It's like she just found

out about the Whoopee Cushion chair,

and she's like, oh my God.

The 17th-century Whoopee Cushion chair slash royal

torture device made me realize Danish humor may

be a little more complicated than I thought.

To get to the bottom of it, I had to talk to an expert,

so I met up with the very funny Sofie Hagen.

For those of you who don't know,

a chubby chaser is a person who will

only sleep with fat people.

Now, that I don't mind.

I thrive on that.

Just let me tell you one thing.

There's never really a need for a chase.

So you're a Danish comedian.

Yes.

Is there a lot of you?

No, there's not.

I think on a total, maybe 150.

Whoa.

And that's spanning from the people

who just started like yesterday to the big arena comedians.

I think there's like 150 in my apartment

complex in Los Angeles.

According to Sofie, humor and happiness

do coexist in Denmark, and the best way

to understand that was by taking a trip to a place called

BonBon-Land, known to the Danish people as the happiest place

in Denmark.

Is that, like, a dog's butthole?

Yeah.

They really molded it in there.

That cow looks like it just had sex.

The weirdest thing about BonBon-Land

may have been that I was the only person there

who found it weird at all.

Does it to be all the way out, like completely out?

I mean, I feel like whoever sculpted this was like,

should we just do a little bit of cleavage?

And then Mr. BonBon was like, no, dude, I want them out,

and I want it to be really cold.

What is this horse eating?

This is feces, I think.

You even made dolphins look weird.

Dolphins are supposed to be chill, and you're like,

this one is like a creepy meth dolphin.

- This is the ride. - This is the ride?

What does it say?

It says Hundeprutterutchebane.

Hundeprutterutchebane?

Hundeprutterutchebane.

Hundeprutterutchebane.

What does it mean?

It means Dog-Fart Roller Coaster.

The Dog-Fart Roller Coaster turns out to be

exactly what it sounds like.

A roller coaster shaped like a dog that blasts loud fart

sounds in your ears.

That's it.

I agree.

It was not for adults.

No.

I rode it alone like a creepy weirdo.

You nailed that, though.

BROOKS WHEELAN I suddenly

realized that my understanding of Danish happiness

may be all wrong.

What I thought was lollipops and innocence

might actually be something a little more deranged.

Well, you're on an earwax guy committing suicide.

I'm on a rat throwing up.

There's kids everywhere.

This is so much weirder than I could have guessed.

This is Denmark.

Like, I don't know what you imagined

when you thought of happiness, but I think this wasn't it?

I thought of, like, rainbows, and you guys were smiling,

and like a sun with sunglasses on that

when it pops up in the morning, it's like,

hey, have a good day.

And you guys were like, you got it.

I think in a weird way, this is

why we are happy because there's not all those restrictions.

There's nothing we can't talk about.

We just grew up with this, but I think it wouldn't make sense

if that's-- you know, there's no repression,

there's nothing that's wrong.

These things are normal, like, barfing is normal, right?

Barfing is normal, yeah.

Earwax is normal.

Buttholes are normal.

- Yeah, you're right. - Right?

Everybody has a butthole.

Everybody has a butthole, yeah.

I mean, if you start with this at two,

you're already on the far end of, like, what is shocking?

So as you get older, where does the humor go?

Because it's got to get crazier, but it's already so crazy.

The biggest movie in Denmark, the biggest comedy,

one of the first scenes is, like, a woman's butthole,

and it goes more and more, then in the very last scene is

a seven-year-old boy's penis.

- Are you serious? - Yes.

I mean, I'm very open, I'm a comedian,

but I'm really not into little kid dicks.

There's little kids around, and I don't even feel

comfortable talking about it. - I know.

I even lower my voice because it's so uncomfortable.

I know.

I mean, that is that's the craziest thing I've heard.

I think a lot of Danish people would be a bit proud that this

has made you uncomfortable. - Oh.

I think that's kind of what we want.

We like it when people go

and we go, well, that's just our thing.

We like uncomfortableness.

Well, congratulations, Denmark.

You succeeded.

Your humor made me extremely uncomfortable.

Turns out that the Danish fairy-tale

is a lot more twisted and a lot funnier than I ever imagined.

I'm happy being here knowing that the happiest people

in the world were just a bunch of big weirdos.

We like buttholes.

Who doesn't like a butthole?

But we don't talk about it, and we definitely

don't let our kids play with dog buttholes at amusement parks.

Maybe we're wrong.

I mean, they seem pretty happy.

My name's Janessa Slater, and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice".

You're going from acting to music,

so would you kind of consider yourself the anti LL Cool J?

Things are a little different in the mizzy bizzy.

The mizzy bizzy?

Yeah, the mizzy bizzy, the music business?

Oh.

See, you're already so far behind.

Your album is called "Heartstrings",

and I'm just wondering, how is that not already the name

of a Barbra Streisand album?

I don't know.

I feel like you're young, you know, you're hip.

Like, maybe you don't want people

to think that, oh, Lei-Lei came out with this album,

"Heartstrings".

It's all going to be like and the water wash

over the land.

You know?

And I'm just kind of worried.

What is your album, "Heartstrings?, about?

It's about loneliness.

I can relate to that because I am one of the loneliest women

in America.

And it's because I think you and I have both experienced

how it's lonely at the top.

You know?

As empowered women who really kind of are killing it at life,

people get mad at us, you know?

People get mad and they go, oh, I'm

going to not put you on the list for a party,

I'm going to get a restraining order on you.

And we have to say to that, Lei-Lei, we have to say,

no, I will show up at your house,

I will force my way in that door.

And that is the message of your album, I think.

Mm-hmm.

I think you could cut a couple of songs off there.

Which ones?

How many are there?

Nine.

I think you could cut off number 8 and number 9,

which is called--

"Don't Take My Ice Cream, I Got a Small".

People have pulled on my heartstrings,

and I know what that's like, and it's just hard for me

to believe that people have ever pulled on yours

because I tend to think that women

that are naturally beautiful don't really experience life.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't really been dumped,

I guess, but I've been hurt.

So you've never been dumped?

Not really, but the more heartbreaking thing

is, I just stick it out for a long time.

Should we--

I feel like we're really bonding,

and I'm just wondering if, like, you should take me

to awards shows, and maybe we'll get some tabloid pics together.

I just feel like this is--

I'm going to maybe tweet that we're best friends.

OK.

Does that feel--

and maybe you could, too.

And maybe you could do a Follow Friday for me or whatever?

I don't know if you're on Twitter,

but does that feel like a thing?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

OK.

I still am going to have to charge you

the fee for the session, though, because I

like to keep personal and professional separate.

Your song that I suggested you cut

called "The Day We Went to the Beach",

I just think it could use a little remix.

So let's just kind of try and freestyle it now,

and then this will also show you how good I am at my job.

OK.

OK.

The day, the day--

the day we went to the beach.

The day we went to the beach.

Because you could have me come in and do a rap.

The day we went-- and you can come in with it, too.

The day we went to the beach, it was a great day.

Now you can come back in.

Everybody goes to the beach every day.

Now I need you to stop again. And I go to the beach

when I want, and you go to the beach-- now,

you can come back in again--

when she wants, and everybody is at the beach.

I think you'd have a lot more luck

if you pushed your songs like "The Day We Went to the Beach".

Yeah.

So, thank you.

Thank you.

And cheers.

Cheers.

You know?

To, it's lonely at the top, but also, you know, a lot of people

are in love with us.

We used to not let him up on the couch,

but then we were like, eh, who cares?

Come on.

Yeah.

You know, we were actually thinking about getting a dog.

Why don't you get a pit bull?

I rescued one.

She's amazing.

Do you know how many pit bulls are killed in shelters?

Freeze.

Wow, that was scary.

Hi, I'm Karen.

Every year, over four million people

become victims of pit bull owner attacks, and no one is immune.

Today, we're going to give you a few tips

on how to keep yourself safe during a pit bull owner attack.

Let's start with the warning signs.

When a pit bull owner is about to attack,

look for these behaviors-- a narrowing of the eyes,

baring of the teeth, and wild spouting of dog statistics.

Did you know that one million pit bulls

are euthanized every year?

Don't panic.

Pit bull owners can smell fear.

Your best option at this point is to shut up and nod.

Pit bulls are actually great with children.

My dog, she's a rescue.

I take her around babies all the time.

Another place you're likely to be attacked

is out of the blue at work.

Oh, that's Marsha.

She's a rescue dog.

We rescued her.

Aww, look.

She looks so big.

What's that supposed to mean?

Freeze.

What did Jack do wrong here?

Exactly, he said something.

Saying literally anything to a pit bull owner

will get them riled up about pit bulls.

At this point, remember to protect

your face, ears, and throat.

Look at this, look at this.

Does she look dangerous to you?

- No, no. - Hmm?

No.

Huh?

Huh?

No.

Now, here are some other words to avoid saying when

talking to a pit bull owner--

pit bull, adopt, Michael Vick, breed, dog, hello.

For a complete list, visit our website.

You know, poodles attack people all the time.

I know, I know.

It's the owner, not the breed.

She's beautiful.

Thank you.

Woo wee.

Guess it's time to hit the road, Jack.

Yo, what was that?

You just flinched.

- No, I was just-- - No, no, no.

Because she's a pitty, right?

Freeze.

if you're unlucky enough to encounter

a pit bull owner with his pit bull, escape is futile.

You know what you are, man?

You're a dog racist, man. - What?

She's just a little puppy.

At this point, your only chance for survival

is to lie down in the supine position and play dead.

I rescued her, me, because nobody else wanted her.

Look how sweet she is.

You want to see a vicious pit bull attack?

Oh, she's licking you to death.

Sorry, Jack.

Guess it's not your lucky day.

So remember those safety tips next time you're viciously

attacked by a pit bull owner.

And just to be clear, it's the owners

that are dangerous because pit bulls

are actually really great.

We really have to look out for our rottweilers.

Hey, what'd you say about Rottweiler--

Welcome to "Above Average" music video.

[MUSIC - STUCKEY & MURRAY FT. LIL DUVAL,

"A SONG FOR THE WALKING DEAD"]

Sunday night, I spent all day with my family.

I just want to relax and check out my favorite show on TV.

Well, my wife's not a fan, so she's off to bed with a kiss.

But then, to my surprise, she returns,

and she's wearing this.

Damn, girl.

Well, it's been a while since I got lucky.

Yeah, I'm married with two kids.

So I thought for a moment, and this is what I did.

He turned down a blowjob to watch "Walking Dead".

He turned down a blowjob.

Turned down a blowjob.

To watch "Walking Dead."

The season two finale, for me, it really was a bummer.

I cried when my favorite character died,

and I turned down a Hummer.

And I know right now you're thinking I'm probably insane.

Well, the only thing getting blown tonight

is someone's brain.

He turned down a blowjob to watch "Walking Dead".

He turned down a blowjob.

Turned down a blowjob.

To watch zombies instead.

No is what he said when I offered him.

I was trying to get him in my bed.

All the graphic novels he has read, but no is what he said.

He turned down my blowjob.

Down a blowjob.

And my mind was blown.

Well, I can only get hard now when I see Michonne.

I mean, come on, it is "Walking Dead".

Thank you, Jesus.