Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and I eat a lot of sugar.

Want to hear a story?

I'm going to tell you a story.

It's a really cool tough lady story called Kung Fu Mom.

There once was this girl, it was around

probably about 100 years ago, and she was super tough

even though she was a lady.

She even smoked a cigarette once.

Whenever someone would make her mad,

she'd usually kick them in the face, break their arms,

or pinch their nipples really hard.

The only thing she loved more than kicking butts

were baseball cards, because my mom said people

collected them back then.

One day she was organizing the cards

by coolest looking guy when a letter slid under her doorway.

She was like, what the heck?

So she opened it up and read it, and it said, "Hey there,

I'm a bad guy.

I stole your favorite baseball card.

It's the Rollie Fingers rated rookie card."

She loved Rollie Fingers because he had

a really cool twirly mustache.

The letter said that the bad guy was

going to bend the card in half and rough

up the corners so it wouldn't be in mint condition anymore.

It said that the bad guy was at Coney Island,

where we went on vacation.

So she grabbed her roller skates and started

rolling to Coney Island.

She was jumping over curbs, high fiving cool people,

punching out mean people, and sometimes she'd

dance a little because there was some cool roller

skating music playing.

Then she saw a bus and got on, but it said no roller skates,

so she gave them to some old grandma with an eye patch

and got on the bus.

But after a few stops, she realized she had sat in jelly,

and she was so mad that she jumped off and ran for a while.

She was so fast she could run the mile in about six minutes

flat.

Then a couple of men just popped out,

and she knew they were bad, so she kicked

one of them the penis, then give him bad noogie that

knocked him out.

Then she stole his nunchucks and slapped another ninja with it,

and he got a bloody nose and passed out.

Then she stole that ninja's grenade

and tricked the heck out of the other ninja

by quickly painting it to look like an apple

and giving it to him as a gift.

He smiled and took a bite like an idiot,

and it blew trunks of his body everywhere.

Then she saw a guy riding a bike, so she kicked him

off and rode that for a while, high fiving more cool people

and punching out more idiots.

Then she saw a taxicab, so she hopped

in and rode that for a while.

But it sunk like armpits in there,

so she got out and ran some more.

And when she was crossing the bridge,

some guy calls her a cuss word, so she tore his nipples off

and threw them in the water, then got on one of those bike

basket things.

But after a few blocks, the biker

ripped one, so she got off and ran to the subway train.

And the whole time, she just kept

thinking about Rollie Fingers and his twirly mustache.

Then she looked around and everyone had twirly mustaches.

That was the last straw.

She needed to get that card.

She finally out to Coney Island and ran through the carnival

area and played a quick round of skee-ball, ate a funnel cake,

and had a wizard read her fortune.

And it said, "Go kick a butt right now, baby!"

So she went to the bad guy headquarters,

kicked the crap out of the door, and that's when she

saw the Rollie Fingers card.

Then she saw the bad guy, and so they both ran for the card.

But she got to it first, and she threw it right at him

like a ninja star, and stuck in his forehead and he said,

oh, crap!

Then she took her fingers and put them right up his Rollie,

which means butthole.

She was so excited that she picked up an electric guitar

with wah wah pedal and played a loud solo

without making any mistakes.

And while she was playing, Rollie Fingers himself

walked in and fell in love with her right away.

So they went in the back room and got naked and rolled

their butts together, I think, and that made a baby,

and he was named Sugar Boy, and he was awesome!

Sugar Boy!

I wish my dad was Rollie Fingers.

There you go, little one.

Teresa.

Yes?

I sold my collection of human ears

to buy you these headphones.

Oh, Gina.

You're just too much.

You see, I cut off my own ears to add to your collection

of human ears.

Oh.

I love them.

Do you hear what I hear?

Because I hear nothing.

Who's ringing our doorbell Christmas Eve?

What? Come in.

Please, take in a stranger on this cold and holy night.

I stopped at the county clerk's office to find shelter,

but they kicked me out on my buttocks.

Erin.

Come in.

Help us trim our tree.

This is the story of Christmas.

This young man opened up a pet store.

He had rescue dogs that had lots of lumps.

Sebaceous cyst.

These are bichon frises.

It's a very nice dog if you're very wealthy

and you carry your dog around in a goddamn purse.

You know everything.

He also befriended an angel with gigantism.

And then his wife shot him right in the willy,

and a fish jumped out of the water and swallowed it whole.

Nota-merry Christmas, turds.

Who's the chimney sweep?

Our friend.

Is nothing sacred to you, Erin, not even this holy night?

That's tough talk when I'm bringing you a little present.

Santa, I guess, dropped them down my chimney by mistake.

Our 2014 notary license renewal forms.

But these were postmarked months ago.

Look, it says they need to be notarized by midnight tonight.

Or your license is revoked.

Where's your Catholic Jesus now?

Go, Erin.

Please notarize these for us.

It's Christmas Eve.

Oh, OK.

I'll do it.

Oh, wait.

I don't have my stamp.

Whoops.

Sorry.

Well, I got to go.

Services are starting at my gorgeous Presbyterian

church, so later, losers.

Is there anything I could do to help?

What?

We need a notary public by midnight tonight.

Why didn't you say so?

Oh!

Nuzzle my bossoms.

Merry Christmas, Teresa.

Merry Christmas, Gina.

Our sisterhood is the greatest gift of all.

Hi, I'm Ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels.

I play Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop, and I played Teresa Fra Diavolo.

For this very special Christmas episode,

we had the extreme pleasure of having renowned stage actress

Olive Luce Davis the halfth.

I was raised on a dude ranch.

It was at that point that we learned that the actual Olive

Luce Davis the halfth had been stuck in traffic all day

and we'd been shooting with an insane woman off the street.

She is coming over tonight for Parcheesi.

No, she is not.

Thank you so much for watching this exclusive behind the

scenes look at "Notary Publix."

You uninvite her.

OK.

That's the one way mirror.

The witness is sitting behind there.

Say hi.

Hi.

Oh, and this is the height chart where

we get to see how tall we are.

You totally told me that you're 5'9".

- Oh, boy. - You're such a liar.

Oh, boy.

Sorry!

So you're going to introduce us?

Guys, this is Sally.

Sally, this is Ben, Gabe, Steve, and this is the guy who did it.

Hi, guys. Hi.

It's so nice to meet you. - No, no, no.

You don't have to touch him. That's OK.

Sally wanted to see where I worked,

and I don't have a job, so I brought her here.

OK, suspect one, please

say the phrase on the card.

That's Officer Billingsley.

He acts tough, but he's a real teddy bear.

Oh.

Shut your mouth or I'm going to eat your other eyeball!

Oh my god.

Oh, no, no, it's OK.

He's a professional actor.

Wow, you were great.

I like her.

Kev, I like this one.

Number two.

Shut your mouth or I'm going to eat your other eyeball.

How long have you guys been dating?

- Three months. - Three months.

Yeah. - Yeah.

Number three.

I'll have you know, Sally, he doesn't just bring anyone

around here, not even his wife.

Shut your mouth or I'll eat out your other eye!

He must really like you.

Guilty as charged, you know.

I mean, not of-- not of this thing.

You know, he did it.

Number four.

Shut your mouth or I'm going to eat your other eyeball.

See, he obviously did it.

Obviously did it.

Sally, do you want to-- do you want to read the phrase?

- Yeah. - It's a rush.

You should do it. - Come on.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Officer, is it OK if she reads the phrase?

OK, fine. Just make it quick.

There you go.

You're going to do great.

You're going to do great.

Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally!

Shut, shut your face or I'm going to eat your--

one of your two eyeballs.

Oh, that was great!

No, no, no, no, no, you did so good.

- No, no, stop. - That was great.

That was great. No, no, no.

- It was terrible. - You nailed it.

- It was so bad. - Watch this.

Number five.

Watch this.

Shut your mouth or I'm going to eat your other eyeball.

That was great, Kev.

That was so good.

Well, what can I say?

That was so good.

Get your own lineup room, you two.

Yeah, you guys.

We should.

You're under arrest for murder.

No!

Dammit!

I was so close to eating your eyes.

I'm going to eat all your eyeballs!

All of your eyeballs!

Just wait till I get your eyes!

Just wait!

Wow, she really wanted to eat your eyeball.

Oh, you probably kissed her too.

Kevin kissed chewed up eyeball.

Oh my god, you're right.

Oh my god, I kissed chewed up eyeball.

I kissed chewed up eyeball!

So who are you?

Who are you?

How about I go get changed?

Let's get suited up.

Your move, soldier.

Ready for action

This is going to get tricky.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Oh, no.

You just had it.

Up, up.

Down, down.

Left, right. Left, right.

B, A, Start.

Oh, yes!

Wait, wait.

Do you have, you know?

No.

No.

No.

Condoms.

Do you have condoms?

Care package on its way.

Hard point secure.

Yeah.

Oh.

Hold your ground, soldier!

Hold your ground, soldier!

Think about baseball!

Can't win them all, soldier.

Hey.

Hey.

Respond.

Jack, respond.

Respond.

- Are you going to teabag him? - What?

No.

Where are we?

Is this the Apple Store?

Welcome, Tremaine sisters.

Hi.

Drisella, Anastasia.

She's Anastasia. I'm Drisella.

I'm Anastasia.

I don't care.

Can you get me a spring water, servant man?

And wash these clothes.

And poison my sister.

And darn these socks.

No.

I won't.

Fine, but we're telling Mother.

Listen, you cows, I'm going to make this brief.

You're not getting into heaven.

Why not?

For starters, you enslaved and abused your lovely stepsister.

What, Cinderella?

She talks to rodents.

She makes them little outfits.

She's crazy.

Yeah, well, you're both really bad people?

A bad person?

I'm better than her.

You think you're better than me?

She takes sleeping pills.

Only when I'm hungry.

She gave the duke a blowy in the woods.

Yeah, so he'd take me to the ball.

Sounds like you got both his balls.

- No, just one. - Ow!

- Ow! - Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Stop it!

Both of you!

You stop.

You stop.

Stop.

He's kind of sweet, though.

Yeah, and authoritative.

And, like, cute enough.

I saw him first.

No you didn't!

Shoot for it!

Throw paper!

Gals, gals, I have an idea.

I'll make you a deal.

How about this.

If either of you can fit into this glass slipper,

you get to go to heaven.

Deal.

That tickles.

My mama says I have an athlete's

foot, whatever that means.

OK, you know what, I can't do this,

so you both get into heaven.

It's the second door on the right.

Yay!

No, me first.

Oh, no, me first.

- No, me first. - Oh, come on.

Me first.

Me first.

me first.

No, me first.

No, me.

Me first.

The past, the present, the future, with Emily Heller.

Hi, I'm psychic style performer Emily Heller,

and I'm here with comedic performer Reggie Watts.

And we're going to find out what the cards

have to say about his future.

Reggie, are you ready?

Oui.

Have you thought about what question you'd like answered?

I would like to know how my relationship

is going to turn out.

Your relationship with?

A person. A human.

A human lady.

OK.

Think about the question and shuffle the deck.

OK.

So I'm going to do this Vegas style.

Uh, I'm not looking because I don't believe in gambling,

so I don't want to know what Vegas style is.

You take a chance.

Here you go.

I'm not taking a chance.

That's the point.

First card, the Emperor.

The Devil.

It's actually the Emperor.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Is there someone who has too much power over your life

right now?

What about a concept?

Like an abstract concept?

Yeah, like an idea or a concept.

That could be it.

What were-- what were you thinking?

Like, like the concept of my dad.

Yeah, I could see that.

Next card, Two of Swords.

Is there were a woman in your life

who is maybe uncautious, incautious?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

She worked in the circus.

Interesting.

What did she do in the circus?

She was a target for a knife thrower.

I don't know what to say.

This is giving me the runs.

I've got the runs.

This is-- it's just so accurate.

I mean, it's always accurate when I do this,

but with you it's exactly as accurate as it always is.

And that gives you the runs?

Yeah.

The runs.

You know, when your whole body is

running up and down with cold.

No.

That's not what the runs is.

Next card, the Chariot.

So does it freak you out that this cat has boobs?

No, it's always my hope that cats have boobs.

Like, in the human place instead of, like, the normal place.

Yeah.

Because I think it's--

it makes cats sexier.

They're not that sexy.

They can be more sexy.

Yeah.

Yeah, my last cat, I gave it a breast augmentation

in the chest area just to see if the theory was correct,

and it looks good.

It's like, when they're laying down,

you know, like in that weird, like, pose like that,

it's just--

it's ridiculous.

Paint me like one of your French girls.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And then I had them remove the other-- the other boobs.

Yeah.

The lower boobs.

And so it looks--

Probably helped her self-esteem.

A lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely a different walk.

More front heavy.

More prone to tipping forward.

Yeah.

These are all really bad signs, by the way.

Just really bad.

OK.

Are you ready for your final outcome?

The final out--

We're going to have to cut that out

because we don't have the rights to that.

Can we do the melody?

Change it a little bit.

Yeah, like, the final .

Da-uh.

Oh, you changed the last note.

I think we can probably get that cleared.

OK.

Final card, Eight of Swords.

You guys should break up.

Yeah, I think-- yeah, I think so.

I think we should break up and then see what happens,

because you never know.

Sometimes you break up to reform again.

Yeah.

That's not going to happen here.

This was a great reading.

I feel really good about it.

And that's just-- it's going to be-- it's $65,

but we went over, so it's going to be $129.

I didn't think I was going to have to pay for this?

Well, I gave you a reading.

I don't do this for free.

You should-- you should make that more clear.

Well, I'm making it clear now.

It's like--

Are you putting on makeup?

What?

No, it's, it's medicine.

I just want--

I wanted to look nice for you because last night was so hot.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was fun.

But just to-- just to make sure, this is like a no-strings kind

of thing, right?

Yeah, totally.

No strings.

Strings like thread, like knitting.

Who does that?

No, I meant, like, no strings like, like this is casual.

Oh my gosh, totally casual.

Yeah, like all I want is your ...

That's, that's great.

I mean, we can hook up some more.

Great.

No, I mean-- not, not right now.

Like, some other time. - Totally.

Yeah, no strings.

Super cas.

I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.

Oh, relationship?

I don't even like to say that word.

I mean, the last thing I'm even thinking about

is the possibility of going on a romantic date with you

to, like, your favorite restaurant or one of mine

and sharing each other's interests

and finding ourselves drawn to each other like compasses

to the north.

No way.

Not what I want.

Right.

Yeah, because for me, I'm just like not--

I'm not in that place right now.

Who is at that place, right?

I mean, it literally makes me gag just thinking

about the possibility of being in a relationship where we move

in with each other because we find ourselves spending so

much time at each other's place anyway,

and then one day, out of the blue, when I least expect it,

you get down on one knee and you ask me to marry you,

and that ring that means so much more

than the countless diamonds that make it up,

because it is a symbol of our undying love for each other.

Gross, right?

See, it seems like you want something more than casual.

Hmm, really?

A little bit.

Oh, I see.

OK, let me be like crystal clear, OK?

I would rather have, like, a rabid monkey,

like, claw my face off than to even think

about a future with you where we stare into each other's eyes

and realize that we're more attracted to each other

than the first day we met, which was last night.

And we still make passionate love to each other every day,

sometimes in the morning sometimes in the afternoon.

But at the same time, we still have a perfectly balanced

family life, and I write a blog about it that's better

than Gwyneth Paltrow's.

No, no, no.

Bad idea alert.

OK, on second thought, I don't--

I don't think maybe we should hook up anymore.

Oh.

You're too attached to me.

No, I feel like if we continue to do this,

I'm going to be leading you on.

No way.

You and me, dude, just slam pieces.

You know, like, slam pieces.

OK, I'm going to go.

All right, I'm just going to grab my shoes.

When I least expect it.

Yes, I'll marry you!

We should call your mom.

Give me her number.

You know what, it's fine.

I took it from your phone last night.

I'll call her.