Original subtitles

So there's three of you in the band.

Where is Danielle today?

She isn't feeling well.

Yeah.

She's super sick.

No, she's just like regular sick.

Not with the bunny ears.

Yeah, I think you just like doing that.

My name's Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So you guys are sisters and your last name is Haim.

So you're kind of like the female Nelson

with slightly shorter hair.

I don't think anyone's ever said that.

No one's ever really compared us to Nelson.

We love-- - I'm down.

I love Nelson. - I'm down.

I mean--

OK, I'm glad that you love Nelson because if you didn't,

we'd have more than words.

Isn't that extreme?

Isn't that--

It might be extreme but that's just how I roll.

So what does "Haim" mean in Hebrew?

OK, let me guess.

She who parts hair in the middle.

No, It actually means life.

Yeah, it means life.

Like you know, the Black Eyed Peas song.

"Mazel tov.

L'chaim."

It's like a cheers.

It's like a life thing.

Yeah.

But does it also mean she who parts hair in the middle.

Este, you're known for making bass face during concerts.

Can I see what that looks like?

I can't do it unless I'm playing bass.

It's not like-- it's not like something I can just--

- Like turn on. - do.

OK.

Well let me just--

I just want to give you some alternative

faces you might want to do.

OK.

So like the faces that you do now are kind of like this.

But I feel like you could do other ones.

You know, like you could be like.

You know, like I'm surprised I'm playing music.

Or like, you know, like I'm--

What's that one?

I'm kind of quiet, or playing music,

or you know, like frowning.

I'm frowning.

I'm playing music instead of always just being like,

you know, like--

That was terrifying.

OK, so now I'm going to read some lyrics from your song

forever and give you some feedback.

OK.

Hey you.

Remember me.

Remember love.

Remember trying to stay together.

I just feel like you can maybe make your lyrics a little bit

more personal, you know.

Like maybe remember when we went to Urban Outfitters,

and it was closed, and we like lost our minds.

Remember when we like couldn't find

like our weird high heeled boots and we like lost it.

I mean, if that's the kind of song you want to write.

OK.

You guys, OK, let's gab about Danielle.

OK, this is my impression of Danielle.

Is this the impression?

Like I know you guys are like all sisters and stuff.

But like-- are we like kind of mad that she didn't come?

Not mad.

She's like actually ill.

It's like--

Did she not come because she was like being a bitch?

Stop talking shit about my sister.

Yeah. It's pretty--

- It's not nice. - It's pretty low.

She's like actually sick.

But are you guys, like, so pissed?

Like you're just like, oh.

No.

Like really, I like want to call her now.

Yeah.

And be like you're being a total div', Dani?

"Div'?"

Yeah, I'm surprised you've never heard that term.

It's huge in the music indo.

Do you want to call Danielle?

I kinda-- I feel like, yeah, maybe we should call.

I feel really bad now.

I was sick and I made it here.

Excuse me.

Hi I'm Eliot Glazer.

And I'm Ilana Glazer.

And this is KRAP TV.

KRAP TV presents.

Presents.

That was actually a notebook full of my stats

from the actual game.

I know.

Look--

I just want to make an apology to our Asian friends.

It's like I just put on a hat and did a weird voice.

I love that we used a pom pom as a wig.

He took a gerbil home, like, from class,

like, let the gerbil take a--

like, dumps all up in those pom poms.

And then that shits on my head.

And she just shook it out, and there was poop coming out.

Oh, I like how you have a little potbelly.

A little girl with a potbelly.

It's so cute. It's cute.

All kids have them.

But it's cute.

I had the movements of a middle aged woman.

And I'm telling you like, gender wise.

I was like, now, what can I go for you, you know what I mean?

And you're like doo, doo, doo, doo.

You channeled your energy in a cool--

I channeled my energy in a cool way

that could only be channeled by someone

who didn't have any friends.

Hey.

Excuse me, I'm just going to grab some water.

Tony Hale. Tony Hale.

What's your name?

I'm Rob King. I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, that's so nice.

Rob, I appreciate that. - Absolutely.

I'm just going to release my hand.

- Yeah. - Thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh. "Veep."

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you watch it? - Yeah.

- Do you do? - Yeah.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, dude.

- Do you like it? - I do.

Very nice people.

Funny writing and we have a really good time.

Yeah.

I have a good time. - Do you?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's so nice.

Can I ask you some more questions?

Please.

OK.

Wow, you got cards.

Just keep them there just in case.

- Just in case you run into me? - Yeah, you never know.

Sure.

So it's-- what's it-- what's it like

working in the White House?

It's-- it's a show about--

about the White House.

We don't actually work there but we--

No. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

- That's OK. - I know that.

No. No.

I know. It looks very real.

It's so cool. And real.

Very life like.

Very real.

It's shot very gritty.

The sets are fan--

I can see how you would think that.

I'm not Gary Walsh.

- I like him. - Isn't he great?

- Yeah. - He's great.

Yeah.

I'm the guy playing him.

We're different. - Totally.

You got that, right?

Sometimes the same though?

No.

OK.

Do you have another question?

I feel like I'm in a pageant.

What are your thoughts on tax reform?

I don't know how to break this down to you easier.

But I don't know anything about politics, man.

You can enjoy yourself on Sunday night and watch "Veep."

You can enjoy it for 30 minutes.

And then you got to get on with your life.

You need to back off.

If you see somebody from "Game of Thrones"

don't walk up to them and say, is

your family tribe going to die?

"Game of Thrones" is not a real show, Tony Hale.

OK.

Do you ever think that two people

who barely know each other could be best friends for life?

I don't think that's a possibility.

- Robert King and Tony Hale. - Robert?

Yeah.

That's never going to happen.

I'm never going to be your friend.

Do you understand me?

Yes, Tony Hale.

Did you feel that?

You know what, I'm going to take your cards.

I was done with them.

So yeah.

Oh, perfect.

What is it like to go on CNN every night

with President Meyer?

Robert, I don't work at the White House.

It's not real.

Get it together, dude.

Don't do this to somebody again, all right?

Walk away.

Get it.

All right?

Hey, Madam President.

Yeah, I think my cover's been blown.

His name is Robert and we need to do something about it.

OK, I'll talk to you later.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

Welcome to Above Average music video.

Learn to fake it.

You won't make it out standing on your feet.

What's your problem?

Always making a scene.

You're your own worst enemy.

Talk to me now.

You've got money, but got no class.

I talk loving, but you talk trash.

Hiding all your lies under the carpet.

Every minute you cause a scene, always taking it out on me.

Think it's time we finish what we started.

You've got money but got no class.

I talk loving but you talk trash.

Hiding all your lies under the carpet.

Every minute you cause a scene, always taking it out on me.

Think it's time we finish what we started.

You can't help it, burning bridges down with everyone

you meet.

Heartache always comes so easily when you mess around with me.

You've got money but got no class.

I talk loving but you talk trash.

Hiding all your lies under the carpet.

Every minute you cause a scene, always taking it out on me.

Think it's time we finish what we started.

Finish what we started.

We can't stop the fighting 'cause you're always hiding.

Have fun out there on your own.

It's time to finish what we started.

Finish what we started.

You've got money but got no class.

I talk loving but you talk trash.

Hiding all your lies under the carpet.

Every minute you cause a scene, always taking it out on me.

Think it's time we finish what we started.

You've got money but got no class.

I talk loving buy you talk trash.

Hiding all your lies under the carpet.

Every minute you case a scene, always taking it out on me.

Think it's time we finish what we started.

Can't stop the fighting.

You're always siding.

Can't stop the fighting.

You're always siding.

Can't stop the fighting.

You're always siding.

My name's Janessa Slater, and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

I'm sorry, have we met before?

You've definitely met before.

You remember us--

Because Este--

Este.

Alana.

Alana.

And then-- yeah.

- Yeah. - I don't remember--

Danielle.

I wasn't here last time.

And why were you not here?

I was really sick, actually.

I don't know why it would be that big of a deal

if you were sick, you know?

Because, like, at your concerts anyway,

you're always just like--

You sound like you're clearing your throat.

Well, you said it.

What's inspiring your next album?

We got a tour-- we were lucky enough

to tour for two years straight, and we've been,

like, everywhere.

I can't believe you got that much time off

from Urban Outfitters. - You don't work at--

We never worked out Urban Outfitters.

Yeah, we don't work at Urban Outfitters.

Gals, I know that we're in California, OK,

but we don't always have to wear leather jackets.

It's like, did somebody call the Fonz?

Maybe try swapping out a leather jacket for, I don't know,

a smart blazer.

I didn't even realize we were all gonna just

wear leather jackets, but--

Can I-- can I-- can I--

can I address that as well?

You know, this cool girl thing of,

like, I just put on a leather jacket

and I don't have to worry about if it's flattering 'cause I'm

skinny and, like, I'm not wearing three pairs of Spanx

and-- you know what I mean?

Like, we get it.

Who says I'm not wearing three pairs of Spanx?

Alana?

You're really not selling me on this smart blazer.

Alana, it's just like, I get it.

You're cool girls.

You're, like-- I don't know, like,

I think I maybe want to see a concert tonight.

A what?

I just, like, want to, like, have snacks

and, like, go to a concert.

Like, that's kind of how you guys come off.

I mean, I love snacks.

And I love concerts too.

I love concerts.

But do you, like-- like, having snacks?

Wait, but what is this voice that you're doing?

Alana, like, you have to let me talk.

I'm sorry.

'Cause we won't get anything, like--

I just--

Like, I'm-- I'm not your teacher, so I'm not gonna send

you to detention, but like--

Why are you picking on Alana?

'Cause she's like my little sister.

I'm so not your little sister.

- No. - We're all sisters.

- We can't-- - No, we're not.

No, we're not.

No, we're not sisters.

You're doing really well, and I

think that a great next step might

be to add me to your band.

You know?

I'm kind of hot and Jewish.

I could just kind of insert myself in.

Let's just improvise a song right now,

and I'll just kind of show you how seamlessly I would fit in.

We'll see.

Can you guys play something too?

So it feels like the whole band is playing.

OK.

Oh.

And I don't even know what to do.

Yeah.

Oh.

This was a mistake.

Oh.

OK, that's enough. That was crazy.

I don't even know what that was.

So good.

That was really, really bad.

Blew your minds.

All right, guys, can I have a sister hug?

No.

No.

- Uh-uh. - No.

- Ow. - No.

No.

We're sisters.

No we're not.

We love each other.

No we don't.

Just the Russian literature professor I was hoping to see.

Hillary!

Uh, could this wait until Monday morning?

I'm meeting my wife's sister at the train station.

Of course.

Have a nice weekend.

Why don't you just tell me what it is now?

Excellent.

It's about extra credit.

Well, you already have an A.

I'd like to do some extra credit on behalf

of the other students.

Absolutely not.

You're being very authoritarian.

I am the authority!

Hillary, that's not how learning works.

But I'm caring for the less fortunate.

Would your friends like to know that you think

of them as less fortunate?

They know.

Have a nice weekend, Hillary.

Yes, what?

Yes, Hillary, what?

Just a moment of your time.

I-- I can't be late.

My wife's sister already doesn't like me.

My sympathies.

Now, if someone were looking to access

upcoming quizzes in your office, where would she look?

You want help cheating in my course?

Not for me.

I won't look.

It's for my compatriots.

That's still cheating.

- It should be allowed. - Why?

Why should that be allowed?

Because my heart is in the right place, so everything I do

is right.

Good day.

Hillary, I lied to you before.

My wife is an only child.

There is no sister.

There is no train station.

A shipment of miniatures that I ordered has come in,

and I should very much like to go home and open them up.

What are miniatures?

They're very tiny real-world objects,

like a tiny vacuum cleaner or a really tiny teacup.

I like them because they make me feel

big, which is nice because I have

no dominion in my own home.

I lied to you before when I said that I lied to you.

My wife does have a sister, and she lives with us already.

I've never felt powerless before.

That sounds terrible.

It is.

Hillary, what do you want?

I should teach the next course session.

Fine.

Just one session.

We're covering "Fathers and Sons."

I'll be using my own syllabus.

Of course.

Enjoy your tiny vacuum.

I really respect him.

Ba-da-da-da, 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with John Oliver.

Hi, John. - Hello, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

It's a pleasure.

Is Vanity Smurf here today?

Hold on a second.

Yes.

What does he think of Occupy Wall Street?

You know what? vanity is so torn on that as an issue.

Yeah

Because you got to understand, Vanity

works hard for his money.

Yes.

But he's aware that the wealth--

wealth gap's probably got too big, even for a fiscal

conservative like Vanity.

But yeah, vanity Smurf, I mean, it's

a role you don't take lightly.

No.

It was a good, pared-down, spar script.

It was like David Mamet style.

Snappy, snappy dialogue.

Yeah.

And I like to think I delivered.

Yeah.

I thought about it before I went in.

I think so.

I think so.

I'll be excited to see it.

Oh, so you haven't seen it?

I have not yet.

So you thought you'd wait for it to leave movie theaters

and just watch it at home.

You didn't want to see it--

I've been in the hospital.

It better have been serious.

It better have been so serious that whatever

you're about to reveal makes me feel bad now.

Because otherwise, I'm angry in a way I can't fully articulate.

My heart had, um, s--

syphilis.

I head syphilis located--

uh, centered in my heart, which is non-sexually transmitted.

You get it if you're volunteering

around kids too much.

They often have it around their mouths.

And if you feel too much when you look at them.

Say yes or no to whether these adjectives apply to you.

OK.

Affable.

Yes.

Steadfast.

- Indeed. - That's--

- You don't say-- - That's the--

You don't say yes to steadfast.

No one's ever-- a nosy parker?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I thought maybe.

Little bit.

Totally jealous of Gorbachev's wife.

Yeah.

I mean, she's got it--

Sure.

like, made in the shade, you know?

She's got it made in the shade.

Not only is he a handsome man.

Yeah.

Not only is he unique.

Everyone looks so dull.

Right.

Perestroika, come on.

Battle of wits with John Oliver.

- Good. - I will say a number--

Touché.

and you have to say a number that is, um, higher.

OK.

A million.

A million five.

This closet theater is, um, that

I'm a guy considering cross-dressing

for the first time in my life.

OK.

But as the legend has it, when you're about to cross dress,

sometimes a, um-- a little British guy comes up and has

tons of paperwork for you.

Now that's a great choice.

That's a great choice.

I love that. - Yeah?

I had my own that before, but it wouldn't fit me.

That would fit you a dream.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna put it on.

OK, before you do that, I've just got a couple of things

to run past you.

You know what? I'll-- I'm just gonna wear--

Bup-bup-bup.

John.

Mike.

Thank you so much for coming.

You're welcome.

I'm out of questions, but I'm a huge fan of yours--

Thank you.

and I think you're really funny.

And congrats on all your success.

Thanks, yeah. You too.

And thanks for taking this time.

You're welcome.

OK.

Thanks.

OK?

Was that OK?

Don't know.

Is it-- more like that?

That was better.

Oh yeah.