Original subtitles

Ba-da-da-da, seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien."

I'm here today with Sarah Silverman.

I know.

Ooh!

Lot of steps. Thanks for coming.

It's great to be here.

I was coming here anyway.

Literally to the closet?

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you have any new--

do you have any new, uh--

you just were like, let's get it out

of the way at the beginning.

Hmm?

Yeah, I just was like, I just remembered that's happening,

so I just did it.

It's like, it's like with my dog.

I sometimes-- I just go--

just put her to sleep today.

I can't-- it's coming.

That's not the same.

Oh.

Um, yeah.

Now, I'm blushing.

Do you have standup that you haven't

tried out that you would like a little sample audience for?

Because I thought we would get the crew in here,

and if you wanted to try a joke, we could give you

a sample audience of four-ish.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman.

Thank you so much.

I don't like to complain at hotels.

Like, I love staying in a nice hotel.

But then, like, I hate

calling down and complaining, like, oh, hi, I, um--

everything's great.

I-- we kind of noticed there was what looks like semen

on the sheets, and on the sidetable a little bit,

and also come all over my tits, and my boyfriend

saw some, like, all around the outside of his penis hole.

I don't know.

Sarah Silverman.

Thanks.

OK, so the clothing store, American Apparel,

has sort of sexy ads and billboards around town.

Sarah and I are going to do some classy American Apparel ads.

I was just thinking, like, a--

Oh, yeah.

You just, like, pushed your butt into my vagina.

Um, we got three popular animals we got to have go

extinct in the next 100 years.

Who do you lose?

I will go--

oh.

Hamsters.

Jesus.

Or guinea pigs.

You know, I never had any connection to the guinea pigs.

I've got you down for hamsters.

OK.

It's a bummer.

I couldn't tell if you were going to kiss me again,

but I couldn't read you right there.

I couldn't read myself.

This is just real quick.

They hate when I do this, but--

hey, what's up?

This is Big Mike's Hip Hop Countdown.

This is a sideshow.

I do-- I'm here today with Sarah Silverman.

What's up, Sarah?

How are you?

Hey, what's going on?

Pretty good.

We're counting down the best hip hop songs coming at you.

Any shout-outs you want to do real quick?

I just wanna give a shout-out to Melissa23

and Murray with the frog legs.

This first one's called "Jumpman."

This is Big Mike's Hip Hop Countdown.

This is a play where.

We're mother and son, and it's like a serious play, where I,

like, want to go off and enlist for the war,

and you're worried about it or something.

But we are eating Cheetos during it, and it's not a commercial.

It's an actual play where the people become so

into the Cheetos, they don't care about what

they're talking about anymore.

Mama.

I'm going to join the Army.

What?

I need to go and fight.

They'll swallow you up whole.

I don't care, Mama.

It's the only way I can be a man.

You can be a man at home, working on the farm.

That's not a man.

Papa's not a man. Mm.

Oh my god.

Mm.

It's too chancey.

You could get maimed.

You could get killed.

You could get, like--

If you kiss me three times, and once is how you would want

to kiss me, once is how you would want to kiss a homeless

man, and once is how you would kiss Don Rickles,

but not necessarily in that order, and I'll never--

and then never tell me who is for what, does that make sense?

OK.

So I'll try to be a blank slate for you.

And then, never tell me.

We'll never know which is which.

OK.

OK, here's--

Ma, ma, ma, ma.

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Here's number one.

OK.

OK, I've got a guess.

Number two?

OK.

And number three.

Umm, hmm.

Don't you pull away!

I'm not. I'm not.

I'm into it.

Introducing "Settlers of Brooklyn,"

a new game of settlement and exploration.

In the early 2000s, the land of Brooklyn

was virtually uninhabited by young adults

with wealthy parents.

Your goal is to become the first player

to create a fully gentrified colony,

filled with used record stores, food

trucks, and Urban Outfitters.

In the land of Brooklyn, there are

five resources available-- coffee, bicycles,

vinyl, skinny jeans, and kale.

All I have is kale.

Resource cards can be used

to upgrade your loft to a condo, or build out your brunch,

so you can win the longest brunch

card, worth 2 victory points.

You can also trade for development cards,

like a Loan from Daddy, which gets

you two free resource cards.

Grad school.

One point.

Roll a 7, and you can move the Realtor piece.

The Realtor is used to move existing residents out

of a neighborhood to make room for more colonization.

I hope they open a gym there.

The first player to 10 victory points

wins and is crowned Lena Dunham.

Get your copy of "Settlers of Brooklyn" today,

along with brand-new expansion packs for Harlem and Astoria.

Welcome to "Sport Zone with a Z," auditions.

We are yet another sports network

entering into the market.

So just state your name, where you're from.

We'll see what you can do.

Chet Larson.

Dayton, Ohio, winner of four consecutive Greg Butler Awards.

Actually, five, if you count this year.

Just name and where you're from.

Got it.

Uh, the Chet Larson, darling of Dayton, Ohio.

Brace facing the Yankees.

It's the top of the fourth inning.

Sabathia facing Jason Heyward--

It's CC Sabathia.

- What did I say? - I have no idea.

Uh, my name is Thomas Clancy.

Oh, like the author.

What?

Never mind.

Just--

No, I kinda wanna be on the same level.

I want to make sure I'm on the same level with you.

I don't-- so who's this author?

No, no, I was talking about a guy who writes--

I mean, I watch "Arthur" all the time.

PBS. My kids love it.

I'm Christina Hastings.

The score is 97-66.

And I have to tell you, these two teams' scrotum--

it's a rivalry.

It's a rival--

Sorry, did you--

did you say--

Never mind, I thought I heard you say something.

Let's go back from the top.

And they are inbounding the ball.

They are working it around the key,

seeing where they can get it in, and she

labia-passes it into Michael--

Hayward's got 2-1.

It's a full count, and take me down to the soda pop shop!

That's my strikeout phrase.

It's a three-point game, and the Knicks have at least

one minute to close the gap.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,

bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.

Chandler passes the ball to Davis.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.

You know, maybe just a--

you're doing great.

Maybe just a tad less detail.

86-84!

88-86!

You know, it just dawned on me.

What would be funny is if Major League

Baseball and the PGA TOUR's switched balls for just a day.

Just, like, a day of that would be so funny!

Hi, I'm Bobby Redmond from New Jersey.

Sorry?

It's me Bobby Redmond, reporting for you from

, in upper Teaneck.

Can you just speak a little louder, enunciate?

ID sport network specialist.

I'm not getting any of that.

Upper Teaneck, New Jersey.

Raised.

What if the swimmers was swimming,

and they're wearing business suits instead of Speedos?

Is this your audition?

Oh, here comes Ryan Lochte down lane 4, wearing

a double-breasted houndstooth!

I think that'd be so funny!

Go ahead and zoom out.

And cue music!

Here we go.

No, we're not going to do that, actually.

No, you got to see this.

It's a dance move.

It's a mixture of the running man, Macarena.

Call the running man carena.

Coming up to base one, Jim Steadmeyer.

Jim's been batting very well all year,

and has no cuts on his hands.

Pretty, I think-- pretty--

for someone--

Maybe baseball is not working out for you.

Why don't you try something else?

Well, it would appear as though football is back.

It's going to be on television again,

and we're really looking forward to all the kicking,

and the lions on the grass!

90!

The running-man-carena!

What I was telling you about--

grand slams, hat tricks, extra points.

All right.

Made up my mind.

Chet, you get the job, because you're the least bad,

and I quit.

Try this.

Head, chest, ditto.

Brandy?

What's wrong?

Yeah, is everything OK?

Your job in marketing?

It's Jake.

Everything's messed up.

Oh my god.

Did he cheat on you?

No.

He's short.

Oh, what the !

That scumbag!

Being short is the most vile thing a man can do.

What happened?

It's so obvious now.

You know how he was always pulling his car seat up

to drive and hemming his pants?

I signed onto his Trunk Club profile.

It was right there.

5'8".

Wow.

It's like he wanted you to find out.

What are you going to do, honey?

I don't know.

He's my perfect match.

He's smart, he's kind, he's interesting,

the sex is incredible.

OK, you're not actually thinking about staying

with him, are you?

Trust me, girl.

He is not going to change.

It's like my mother always says.

Once a short man, always a short man.

You're robbing yourself of the gift

of feeling tiny in his arms!

Oh, feeling tiny is what being a woman is all about!

OK, I know!

Men are supposed to be big, and women are supposed to be small,

and that's how sex works.

Ugh.

Jesus.

Look at this.

I'm going to say something.

I don't care.

Excuse me?

Yeah, how tall are you?

I'm sorry, do we know you?

I know him.

Let me guess.

He can't put his chin on top of your head.

Yeah, no, he can't put his--

wait, Devon, are you short?

I guess, technically.

Can you fit in her pants?

What is this?

No, Devon.

Answer the question!

Probably.

Where is he going to be in three months, when you

are wearing heels to the party?

I'll tell you where he's going to be.

Right here.

You OK?

Don't you touch me with those small hands!

Ugh, I hate men!

Britney, I wish I were a lesbian like you.

With women, it doesn't matter who's short.

Yeah, I guess my feeling feminine

just doesn't depend on the size of the person that I'm ...

I'm so drunk!

Who's that?

Oh, that's my new man, Darf.

He is so big.

He's so slovenly.

Yeah, and he is, for sure, unemployed.

Ugh!

That's a real man.

And ladies, Darf doesn't like a single thing about me.

Oh!

Darf!

I wish I had a man like he was.

Electrician Joe.

Hi.

I need a signature on this power of attorney.

I'm actually a notary myself, but I don't like

to notarize my own documents.

I'm usually too busy with my volunteer work.

Sure would be nice to have a girlfriend who's a notary.

I'm Brice Lewis.

My two favorite things are affidavits

and fresh mozzarella.

Well, good thing I brought at least one.

I always know a duplicate document.

I can smell it a mile away.

The only thing that should have duplicates

is a woman's breast.

How are you single?

My penis is stuck in my butthole.

It's just so much responsibility to bear witness.

You know what I want to bear witness to?

My duplicates?

What is this trash?

Get out of my date, and out of my life!

That hurts my feelings!

You!

What are you doing getting a call

from that down-diggity dog?

Erin Oatmeal is my lover and living girlfriend

and watches my children.

The only reason I came here was for this!

Good luck notarizing without it!

Oh, bastard!

You throw-in!

Villain!

Inane!

Douche!

Hello.

I'm Ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels.

I play Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop, and I play Teresa Fra Diavolo.

So it's been kind of a trying week for us,

because Kulie has been sleeping on my couch.

Yeah, I foreskinned--

Foreclosed.

Foreclosed on her condo.

Now, I didn't have a raccoon problem before then,

and I do now.

So--

I just realized.

I'm late for my job.

This is your job.

No, I told you.

I'm also a fish monger.

Thank you so much for watching this special behind-the-scenes

look at "Notary Publix."

Welcome to our "Above Average" music video.

Hey, baby.

I got to get something off my chest.

But I don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to text it to you.

It's about time I tell you how I feel.

You make me slime every time I see you still.

You are the beast.

You are my lady.

Girl, I really want you to hate my baby.

Remember the gay when I bet you?

I knew at that monument I would never let you go.

Let's always be clothes together.

Don't go too fat, Heather.

Baby girl, I want to kill your lips.

We can hurl up on the blow-up mistress.

Oh, and guess who's black?

Who?

Your ex, Neil, and he butternut text you.

Baby, I love you.

You know that I do.

Wanna make live to ya.

Girl, you know that it's true.

Torch you all over, dim the lights until we

are though, because I lobe you.

I wanna hate six with you.

I comb back to see the grill I adore.

You don't answer my balls anymore.

I heard you're searing Doug now.

I don't understand.

Just last weed I saw him hissing on Kate.

He's going to break your harp.

He's a total disgrace.

And of he does it, I will pinch him in the face.

I'm the one for you.

Why can't you pee?

You get one chance at lice, baby.

Rake it on me.

Baby, I lobe you.

You know that I do.

Wanna make live to ya, girl, you know that it's true.

Torch you all over, dim the lights until we are though.

Because I lobe you.

I want to hate six with you.

Yes, I would die for you.

He'll no.

He's gonna lie to you.

Shut the he'll up before you get hurt.

You're a fluffing piece of shirt!

L-Y-K-Y-T-T-B-I-I, colon, H-I-I-C-I-D-D-B-E-C-I.

What's that?

A butt text, my bad.

Baby, I lobe you.

You know that I do.

Wanna make live to ya.

Girl, you know that it's true.

Torch you all over, dim the lights until we

are though, because I lobe you.

And I want to hate six with you.

Oh, hey.

Matt Walsh.

I heard you were in the office.

I figured I'd come say hello.

Matt. Nice to meet you.

- Rob King, your biggest fan. - Rob what?

Rob King.

Nice to meet you, my biggest fan.

Wow, I don't have a lot of those.

Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Yeah.

I have here--

Oh, several.

How come-- how come no one respects Mike McClintock?

Yeah, he has a dark cloud following him.

Yeah.

I think Mike might be too nice.

He probably doesn't stand up for himself enough.

Yeah.

You can relate probably.

You seem like a nice person.

Oh, man, yeah, I guess so.

- You work here? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. - What do you do?

Uh, well, I'm an intern now.

OK.

Yeah, but it's been a while.

You've been an intern for a while?

Yeah, a few years now.

Oh, that's not common.

How--

You can relax, too.

- No, I'm feeling great. - OK.

Yeah.

When Mike smashed all the stuff in the barn

and said all that stuff about what he wanted,

I've never been more proud of you in my life.

He got to vent a lot, yeah, when he said,

pay me, bitch, why's soup so expensive, and why do I eat

when I'm full, I'm a grown man.

That was a lot of stuff building up in Mike.

And it was great for Mike.

And as an actor, it's really fun to just get to smash things.

It does feel--

Cathartic.

Cathartic.

When you and Amy and Ian and Besser started UCB,

was your goal to be kingmakers, or was that a happy accident?

Happy accident.

We just wanted to open a clubhouse

for our friends to do shows. - That's cool.

What's it like?

To--

Have a group of friends.

Oh, gosh.

Uh, I'm assuming you probably have

more friends than you think.

Yeah.

I mean, I consider everyone my friend until they kind

of, like, draw a clear line.

Well, if you want a friend, be a friend.

That's my advice.

Wow, you've got a lot of questions, huh?

Yeah.

Could I get a chair?

Yeah.

I'll get you a--

I'll-- just, don't go anywhere.

I won't.

OK.

Hey, I got you.

Thank you.

It's fine.

No, if it's going to be a while, I prefer to sit.

Oh, that's-- stay as long as you like.

- Great. - Yeah.

Can you use improv to make friends?

I think so.

I think your willingness to be playful and listen and find

what they're telling you interesting

is a great way to build a friendship.

Can you use it to get your boss

to finally hire you so you're not an intern for three years?

Yeah.

So I just go in and-- or, I ask him--

I ask him for a suggestion.

And then, I'm like, oh, I heard, hire me, idiot.

No, or--

Well, we could do better.

We could improvise together in front of your boss.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

You'd do a scene with me to my boss, so he sees--

We won't call it a scene.

We'll call it reality.

- Call it The Rob and Matt Show? - Yeah.

I'll help you right now.

Oh my god, I'm going to be so violent.

Do you ever smash stuff in real life and just yell about soup?

- No. - Yeah, me neither.

No.

I don't do that.

I was thinking of canned soup.

I guess in a restaurant, it might be more expensive.

But there's this thing in a canned soup.

I was like, yeah, it's about right.

Then I feel like you're paying for the experience as well.

- Yes. - Yeah.

The atmosphere.

I didn't plan to talk to you about soup.

Is this OK? - Yeah.

Great. Yeah.

Let's just-- - We can go anywhere.

Great.