Original subtitles

Hello.

Oh.

"I do not speak.

I have taken a vow of silence."

Oh, well that's neat.

And your name.

Oh.

Of course.

"My name is Bradley Fishbourne."

Let's just get you checked in here.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry-- oh, typing.

Oh, wireless internet.

Yes, we have wireless.

Yes.

Oh, sure.

What is that?

Oh, it's an animal?

Oh, like a little cat?

Oh, yes, we are a pet-friendly hotel.

Yes.

Oh, it's the cat again.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, what is that?

Why are you pointing at me?

I punched a cat?

You're tell-- saying that I punched a cat.

You think I hurt an animal?

I would not.

I love animals.

OK, what's going on here?

Oh, those are birds.

Oh, a bird landed on your finger.

Yeah, oh.

Oh, it's singing to you, yeah.

What-- why are you crushing-- no,

I didn't-- don't point at me.

I did not-- no, I did not crush a bird.

Bradley, no.

And you're eating this smashed bird.

And I do not like that at all.

You threw up the bird and then punched-- you're saying I

threw up a bird and punched it.

That makes no sense.

What?

OK, yes.

You whistle.

Something comes over.

Oh, it's big.

Oh, it's a big-- it's a horse.

There's a horse.

Oh, you're presenting the winning horse of the rodeo?

It's the horse-- oh, and it's got a wreath around its neck?

Oh, you're giving-- it's a-- is that a key to the city?

You're presenting a horse a key to the city.

Sure, that seems ni--

no.

OK, now you're beating the horse with the key.

Oh, I did it.

What is that?

I set the horse on fire?

I did not set a horse on fire.

I did-- I did not mindlessly set a horse on fire.

Let-- let me ask you this.

Are you confusing me with someone else.

Do you think that--

you confused me with somebody else,

someone who hurt an animal.

Yeah, no, I didn't do--

that's OK.

No, that's OK.

Who did you have me confused with?

No, that is not me.

No.

No, I-- that is not how I look.

That's not how I act, no.

Yeah, I know what a-- phone-- it's that--

I don't get scared by phones, no.

I don't like what you're insinuating here.

Enjoy your stay.

One more question.

Sure.

What is that?

You're smoke-- oh, are you-- you're smoking pot?

Can I get you some pot?

No.

"The Front Desk!"

Is this couple gonna be super hot?

I hope so.

Have you seen them before?

Yeah, they're kind if hot.

They're kind of sexy hot.

Oh, they are-- oh my god.

Look at them.

Oh my god.

Come in.

- Hi. - Alec.

Hello, Alec.

My name's Luigi.

We've done a few of these shows before.

And everyone on the production staff who works on the show,

they've all agreed, you're the smoking hottest couple

we've ever filmed on the show. - Thank you

Thank you very much. Unbelievable.

You're not married, correct? - No, no.

You've been together how long?

Almost two years.

I just moved in about two weeks ago.

So you decided to move in You got rid of your place.

We both got rid of our places, and then I

wanted us to find a place that we both liked together.

Something fresh.

Yes.

Our place, as opposed to his or her place.

Yes.

Yes it's very important.

I don't want her to have the feeling

that you moved into my place or I moved into your place.

Well, no, how do we-- how can we help them?

Because things sound pretty good with them.

Well, one thing that I think I have to work on

is I have to let go, because I feel like I hold on to,

you know, that he's been married twice.

And so with me, he--

he's my first love and my first-ever relationship.

He's your first love?

First man I moved in with.

So I'm terrified.

You have a healthy sex life?

Oh, yeah. It's the best.

Is it all about--

could never imagine sex could be so good.

Really?

Like, I like to whip him, for instance.

Whips?

That was something he wasn't really into.

Yeah.

And he's still not completely into it.

I don't even know what to say right now.

I am out of my league.

We have a mystical guru in the follow van.

And if you knew who she was, you'd be horrified.

But let's stop the car. Ready?

Get out.

Me?

You're coming in.

What if they don't even know who I am?

You get in.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Now I'm in charge here?

Now, were you into this before you met him--

the whip thing?

Oh, yes.

How did you introduce it to him?

Oh gosh.

It was maybe, like, at least a year end

before I even brought it up.

OK, and were you nervous?

Or were you just like, hey, I've got a surprise for you--

or like--

Close your eyes.

Like, OK.

We've always been very open about our sex life.

Sure, you have.

Go on.

I want you to say .

What?

Oh, oh--

Alec.

Look at her.

Now, I'm under contract to say this because Alec's in my ear.

This is not coming from me.

What a cop-out.

I'm a mother.

I didn't think I'd be talking about this.

OK, Alec wants to know if you--

I can't even say this, Alec.

Do you-- do you stick the whip up his ass?

I don't know-- this is.

I want to.

Oh, she wants to!

Well, we're getting somewhere.

Thanks, Alec.

Thanks, Alec.

Have hand you the Cone of Silence.

What is this?

What is-- what do I do with this?

Oh my gosh.

That's very disconcerting.

This is like a "Scooby-Doo" episode.

Ask her some woman-to-woman questions.

OK, like, would you want to get married?

Do you want to have kids with him?

Or is it-- - So he's 43.

Mm-hmm. - And I'm 29.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, so-- and he has a child already.

And I would love two kids.

Of course.

OK.

So I'm hoping we'll get married in the next two years

or so, and try to go from there.

But yes, I do want kids with him.

OK.

You guys turn to each other and tell-- and look

into each other's eyes.

And I want you to tell each other three things

that you love about each other.

You have such a great heart.

You're a good man and a good father and a great partner.

Thank you.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

- Yeah. - I do.

Ditto.

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach she's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

Weird Al, you know, the kids today are very into this thing

called "normcore?"

Which, I guess, is being normal to be weird, you know?

So maybe you want to change your name to, I don't know,

Normal Al.

You know?

Or Norm-Al.

You know, "norm-al."

I don't understand.

Like "normal."

I don't get it.

On your website, you refer to yourself as a pop "sateerist."

Or satirist.

OK.

Well, regardless, how does one become a pop sateerist?

Long, hard hours.

Um, sometimes 22, 23 hours a day--

Yeah.

of just soaking in the zeitgeist.

And it gets damp and clammy.

And it's not fun.

It's not pleasant.

But if you keep at it, and make it your one and only goal

in life, then if you're lucky, you'll

reach the top of the mountain.

So your album "Mandatory Fun" was nominated for a Grammy.

Yeah, I was amazed.

It did far better than I ever would have dreamed.

I guess what I'm wondering is--

you did?

Had the number one album?

Yeah. Yeah.

And it was you.

It-- yeah, it was me.

Do you think that that confirms

the fact that that award show is completely irrelevant now?

Ever since they started giving it to people like me, it's--

Yeah, right?

It's like, we get it?

Right.

It's like, who else was nominated?

Bono.

But seriously, I hope Bono gets well soon.

Me too.

All the best to Bono and his family.

Yeah.

I've heard that you abstain from drugs, tobacco, alcohol,

profanity.

And I'm just wondering, would you actually consider

yourself a legit musician?

Well, to paraphrase MC Hammer, I

would have to say that I am, in fact, so legit that I shan't

be quitting anytime soon.

Oh my gosh.

I love MC Hammer. - He's the best, right?

Oh my god. He's the best.

- Love him. - You know?

I love him. - The pants.

Come on. - The pants are amazing.

Yeah.

Um, I do hope he gets well soon.

We do.

MC Hammer, all the best.

Get well soon.

get better soon.

But honestly, I'm wondering if you've had any, like,

recent feuds with celebrities, you know?

Because those can actually be really great press, you know?

Especially when it looks like the feud is with,

you know, a bad guy from a Disney movie.

Are you saying that I look like a bad guy

from a Disney movie?

Yes.

When was Kenny G ever the bad guy in a Disney movie?

- Fair point. - I should feud with him.

Yes.

Oh my god, that would be magical.

We should tear each other's hair

out and then wear each other's hair, and nobody would know.

Yes, except if anyone touches my man Kenny G,

I'm gonna be up in their face.

And I'm gonna to start some ...

Sorry.

I know that you don't swear.

But, like, I love to say hole.

Can you make up a parody song about how, like, I'm the best

and my services are, like, totally worth the thousands

of dollars that I charge?

If I do kind, can I leave?

Sure.

What song?

"Axel F" from "Beverly Hills Cop."

That's an instrumental, you know.

"If you hire Janessa for advice,

then I guess you won't be too upset by her invoice."

Because ostensibly whatever you would charge your clients

would be exceeded by the perceived value of the services

rendered.

That was so good.

That'll be $500,000.

Oh.

Hi.

I'm Charles.

I'll be your hangover today.

Oh, fuck.

Mm.

Mm.

I feel like--

I'm falling in love with you.

Oh.

Good morning, class.

Actually, it's a quarter past noon.

- What? - Yeah.

OK.

Uh, let's get started.

Everyone pull out your books and home--

work.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Here.

Just use this.

Ms Barnes.

Mm-hmm.

What's-- what's the tallest mountain in the world?

Uh.

Space Mountain.

Ms Barnes.

What, Tricia?

The tallest mountain in the world

is not Space Mountain, the Disneyland ride.

But it's Mount Everest, which is in--

OK, shut up, Tricia.

If anyone wants to know the answers,

just look at Tricia's paper.

Cuz she's got'em all.

Hey.

Ms Barnes.

You're in trouble.

Class.

May I speak with you for a moment?

Oh!

Uh-- I think I should go home.

Yeah, think so.

Uh, boys and girls, let's, uh, just close our eyes.

Hey.

Wait for me.

It's a good time to think about what you want for lunch?

- Hey, there. - Hey!

There.

So?

Mm?

How was it?

What?

Was it everything you thought it would be?

Like us?

Yeah, it's great.

No.

How was it for your first time?

The first time for me.

Yeah, it was-- it's so-- it was great.

It's the first time I've taken a guy's virginity.

Well, I wouldn't have had it taken by anyone else but you.

Wow, thank-- we just met last night.

I know, I know.

I remember being in the bar and seeing you and saying

that's the girl I want to take it

from me for the first time, which

was now just then last night.

Well, OK.

Thank you.

Yeah, great work.

Aww.

Didn't even hurt.

Well, it only hurts girls the first time.

Oh.

I'm just so new, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, thank you for making it so comfortable and magical.

My pleasure, Dave.

Thanks.

Babe.

Is this sex is like all the time.

Oh, no.

It gets even better. - Oh, golly.

Wow.

I mean, once you get more experience,

you'll be able to last longer and then--

Wait, wait.

How long did I last?

Oh, like a minute.

But it's fine!

You know?

And then when you get more comfortable,

you can learn to not be so--

jackhammer-y

Pretty sure some girls like that.

Oh no. The opposite.

- Oh. - Yeah.

But you didn't know that! - I'm new at this!

Yeah!

Yeah, it takes time.

And then, you know, you'll know which hole is which,

and you won't spend the whole night trying to get

it in the girl's butthole.

Uh, whoops!

And then, you can get to the point where the girl enjoys it,

too.

Mm, gonna stop you there.

I don't remember much from last night,

but I do remember you moaning.

Oh-- oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, this is heartbreaking.

Oh, sometimes, in order to make the guy

feel better about himself, a girl will fake it.

I'm so sorry that had to come from me,

but it's important that you know.

That's-- I'm--

OK.

Think you liked it, but-- you know?

No, sorry.

But I'm excited for you!

You know, maybe a lot of girls do like it,

and you don't, maybe just because you're a bit weird.

Well, no. No, no, no.

With that kind of sex, any girl would fake it just to make

it stop as soon as possible.

- Mm. - But--

Maybe. I think you liked it, though.

Well-- well, no. But again--

- Some girls like it. - No.

Yeah. - No.

Absolutely not. - Then again, maybe they do.

No, they don't.

Well, all the girls that I've been with liked it.

So.

In the future, hypothetically, the girls in my mind love it.

It wasn't your first time.

It was.

With you.

Well, now you have no excuse for crying

through the whole thing.

Ugh.

It was really emotional, OK?

Hey.

Welcome to "Cock Tales."

I'm Little Esther.

And my guest today is Angela Trimbur.

Hi.

So if any of today's questions make you uncomfortable

and you don't want to answer, all

you have to do is use today's safe word, which is "Pikachu."

Pikachu. Got it.

OK.

Can I suck on your toes?

Yeah.

Pikachu.

Which one is it?

What were some of your most embarrassing

adolescent misconceptions about sex.

That it's true love if you make them

Yeah, that one I would say is not true.

What pop song best describes your first sexual experience?

Blink-182, "All the Small Things."

What was the most memorable penis or vagina

that you've ever seen and why?

You can watch YouTube videos of people getting a bikini wax

and it's a full-on, like, shot of the vagina

and you watch the whole thing.

I've been watching a lot of them, and they're in my head

all the time.

Can I ask why?

It's really fascinating.

Like, I like watching things getting vacuumed you know,

or, like, hair getting swept.

And this is a different version of that.

Yeah, I like watching girls eat chips.

Now it's time to play a game called "Turn on or Turn off."

A guy with a "Mom" tattoo.

The classic one that you could get,

like, for free and then-- no.

Off.

A guy who owns snakes.

Is he nice? Like--

- It's an off. - Is he funny?

- It's off. - It's an off.

A new dad in a Baby Bjorn.

What's that?

A Baby Bjorn is, like, a thing that you strap on to you.

And then you put the baby in it.

If he's got a kid, so off.

No, no.

I meant he's in the Bjorn.

Thong sandals?

- Uh-uh. - Small Hands

Ugh.

Power outages.

On, baby.

He can't get anywhere.

Butt hair? - You're a beast.

Like, own it.

You know?

Knowing the capital of all 50 states.

Please, I want I'm to teach them to me.

So on.

Me too.

Have you ever cried during sex?

The guy that I'm dating right now, when he first went

down on me, I cried because--

I don't know.

Like, no one's ever really done it for a long period of time

and it just felt really selfless and I felt like making love.

If you guys break up, would it be weird if--

never mind. - No--

I'll ask you later.

Whoever is meant to be-- you know.

That's true.

I would rather be with someone like you.

Someone less pretty than you--

with the worst body.

I agree.

I would want that, too.

Can we get Angela out of here?

I always do think if, um, somebody

doesn't want to hook up with you,

it's because they have an STD.

And they care about you and they don't want to give it to you.

That's a really good way of looking at it.

It's a good thing. Yeah.

Yeah.

So the person who didn't want to talk to me last night,

I'm just gonna be like, he has STDs.

Yeah, herpes.

Absolutely.

Do you know how to dance sexy?

And if so, can you teach me?

Mm-hmm.

You mean like for someone? Like an LD?

A Larry David?

A lap dance.

Oh.

Can you do this?

Yeah.

Start, and then-- - Woo!

Yeah. Bend forward.

I feel like I'm seasick.

Do you like spanking?

Do you?

If they do it right.

What's-- there's, like, a right level spanking, right?

Yeah, if they don't really go for it,

it's kind of like what's the point?

Like, now I think less of you.

I think going for it is worse, because then it's too hard.

That's the point.

That was actually good.

It was like a gentle sting.

Yeah.

Like, it doesn't hurt, but it doesn't not hurt.

But I like the "I'm here."

I want you to spank me, but I'm scared.

Come on. Just take it.

Will you not--

don't do it super, super-hard?

Then I'm not going to do it.

No!

OK, fine.

And I do feel bad about what's about to happen.

Own it!

I love you.

Did I poop?

I mean, I see what you like about it.

Like, it does hurt.

But there's, like, fun tingles.

Stays with you. It's like an echo.

Yeah.

Like, it's still there.

Exactly.

Do you think I have a handprint?

Yeah.

Let's see it.

Pikachu.

Would it be OK if my Grammy Rose stopped

by and gave us some advice?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Grammy.

Hi.

Hey.

Let's talk about pubic hair.

Sooner or later, you're gonna get it stuck in your teeth.

No big deal.

Take a deep breath, pull it out, and dive right back in.

Grammy, can we have lasagna for dinner tonight?

No, Darling.

I am not cooking.

Thanks, Grammy.

Oh!

See you later. - Bye, Grams.

Bye.

Angela, thanks for being on my show.

Thank for having me.

I'd like to say thank you with this gift of a balloon condom.

Oh.

Actually, I don't need it.

I have an IUD.

Bye, condoms.

She's Katie, a lady, a lady named Katie.

Hello.

I'm Natasha, you're waxing technician.

Please lie back and make yourself comfortable.

Uh, thank you.

So how are you today?

- Good - Oh.

Very nice.

So I am here to pour hot wax onto the hairs

on your pubic area, and then rip the hairs out?

Oh, perfect.

That's exactly what I'm paying you to do.

Great All right, so before we begin, I need to ask you.

Uh-huh.

Do you want the kind of wax where

the hair won't stick out from the holes in your underwear?

Or do you want the kind where you look like a girl who has

not yet gone through puberty?

Uh, I would like my private parts

to look as much like a little child's as possible.

Fantastic.

Spread your legs.

Is this painful?

Excruciatingly so.

But I'm gonna to pretend it doesn't hurt and hope you

don't see my contorted face.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I'm a stranger.

But I'm looking intently at your genitals

and touching it with my hands.

Yep.

OK.

Let's get your legs up over your head

so I can wax your hairy butthole.

Great.

I hope I remembered to wipe extra well this morning.

I'm always nervous that there are little bits

of poop stuck on my butt hairs.

If there are, I'm sorry.

Thanks.

There are.

You know, it's really hard to hold a fart in this position.

I'm going to scoot your genitals

over so that I can tweeze the hairs out of this crevice.

Not a problem.

I just, um-- I hope my vagina isn't smelling

because I sweat a lot today.

It smells a lot like eggs.

But on the bright side, I don't have my period.

Would you like to add some groin enhancement

services today?

I can glue some sparkly crystals onto your freshly hairless

crotch.

Um, are sparkly crystals for women like me.

No.

They're for people who are gross.

Oh. Then no.

Great.

You're all set.

Wow!

I'm a little freaked out by the way the area between my legs

looks.

I actually got this wax because I might have sex this weekend.

- You won't. - I might.

No, you won't.

I paid a lot of money for this.

I'm gonna have sex this weekend. - No.

That is a sunk cost.

You know, you can think about that in terms

of your future possibilities.

It's an investment.