Original subtitles

Nice.

Home free.

Hey.

Hi.

So I'll call you.

Great.

OK.

Wait.

Stop.

Stop it right there.

Nice try, but you think you're pretty slick, don't you?

What are you talking about?

Do you think I'm a dumb idiot?

What about these two words?

Pearl necklace.

I told you last night, no.

No, not that.

I'm talking about this.

What about it?

Look, this isn't my first rodeo, babe, OK?

I know exactly what's going to happen.

You're going to leave, and then you're going to call me,

and you're going to say, oh, whoops.

I totally forgot my necklace at your place.

Let me come by and get it.

Is that supposed to be my voice?

And also, I'm going to bring a movie over,

and we're going to snuggle on a weekend

when all the fun things are happening.

Do you think I'm deaf?

And it'll be a movie that you've already seen,

but I don't care.

We can eat Thai food. I'm sorry, girl.

I can't spend my days eating vegetarian pad kee mau

and watching you cry at "The Bourne Supremacy," OK?

It's not even a sad movie.

It's an action movie.

Matthew Damon.

That's not mine.

And if you think that--

I'm sorry.

What'd you say?

That's not my necklace.

Yeah, it is.

For when you leave it here and then

you come back and try and have sex with me again.

No, it's not.

And no, I'm not going to.

That's probably some other girl's necklace

who made the mistake of hooking up with you

and thought it would be OK to lose a piece of jewelry just

to make sure she doesn't ever see you again.

OK.

Fine.

This is your bracelet, isn't it?

Right?

No.

Scrunchie?

Is this yours?

Gross.

What, you have sex with a camp counselor?

You are terrible. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

because I know what happened.

This is funny.

When I said oh, this is your necklace,

I meant, I was like, aw, this is your necklace,

because the gift--

I went out and got you a gift, a good morning gift.

A good morning present?

Happy good morning.

OK, yeah, I don't think those exist.

Well, it doesn't matter because the point is

that this is definitely not some other girl's, and it's

yours for keeps.

Oh, you got me a gift between last night and this morning?

OK. - Yeah.

Well, I got it when you were taking a dump.

I was going number one.

Well, it doesn't matter because I thought,

this girl is bannay cray beautiful,

and I just wanted to give you something that reminded

us of our deep connection.

I'm sorry.

You were just trying to make sure you never saw me again.

Well, that was before I knew you didn't

want to sleep with me again.

Come here.

Ugh, my god.

So glad I just gave you a hand job.

Why did we use the condom then?

Because you have a weird dick.

Home free.

She's Katie, a lady.

A lady named Katie.

Hey, so what do you want to talk about?

Katy, you are amazing.

You're great.

You are such a cool person.

An amazing person.

But here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Your nail polish, it's chipped.

I like your shoes, but I feel like heels would have

been better with those pants.

The restaurant that you picked for our date

feels more like a friend hangout spot.

A tiny little bit of spit came out of your mouth.

One of our conversational pauses

was four seconds too long.

You passed gas.

I'm sorry.

But you tucked your hair behind your ear,

and I prefer untucked hair.

Your teeth weren't white enough.

Your childhood seemed boring.

When you got off that bar stool,

you look a bit uncoordinated.

Just, like, a tiny gross bit of spit

did come out of your mouth.

You got up to go to the bathroom.

You chew your food weird.

Your laugh felt sarcastic.

You listen too well.

I wasn't sitting up as straight as you,

and that bothered me.

It was raining outside.

You ordered steak.

Who drinks red wine?

And then when the saliva did leave your mouth

and land on this table that we're eating from,

didn't even address it.

And you didn't even make a joke to make light of it.

- So it's over. - It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

And hey, next time, maybe worry

about every single little thing you do a little bit more.

Da, da, da, seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Andy Samberg.

- Woo! - What's up, Andy?

We're here, and we're homies.

Yep.

I know this guy, so pretty cocky about this.

Everything's going to work out.

Oh, man.

Watch your back, everybody.

Here we go.

Uh, I forgot my first question.

So Andy, are these new glasses?

They are. Yeah.

I just got them.

Do you like them?

Eh.

OK.

I'm going to ask you some adjectives.

Please say yes or no if they apply to you.

Cool.

Smart?

Yes.

Um, a clown?

No.

Um, a hypochondriac?

Who told you to ask that one?

These are all from Lauren.

Constantly terrified that a dildo is going to be

slowly lower onto your head.

No.

Andy, were you ever bullied when you were

in grade school or anything?

Ever get in fights?

Oh, um, actually, yeah, a little bit.

I mean, both my parents are really short,

so I was like a very small kid.

Yeah.

And you know, I was a little bit rambunctious.

So I guess sometimes I'd piss people off

and they'd chase after me.

What's that?

Um, go on.

You're fine.

What is that?

It's a thing in the closet.

So you asked me about if I was bullied or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So sometimes you would get, um, get picked

on when you were little, or?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Please-- please tell me that's not what I think it is.

No, no, no.

Let me get it out of here.

Sorry.

It's tangled up a little bit.

Just a second.

Damn it.

Sorry, one second.

Right.

Damn it.

Damn it.

I'll get it.

Yeah.

Almost got it.

It's tangled up here, is what the problem.

At your leisure.

OK.

Is that good?

It's pretty close.

We work--

As air traffic control tower guys.

Right.

And when we're, like, discussing which plane is

going to go to what runway, we're normal,

like, we're talking now.

OK.

And then when we're just at rest,

just kind of watching the screens,

we have real dumb guy faces.

OK.

Hey, Carolyn?

Can you move Delta to the Southwest airway?

Yeah, I know it's tight.

Well, we run a tight ship and a tight schedule.

All right, I'll see you at drinks.

OK, bye.

You guys are going for drinks?

Well, you're invited.

OK.

Skip, talk to me.

Yeah, no, O'Brien's right here.

Hey, thanks. Hey, Skip.

Yeah, where our drinks?

They are?

OK.

All right, I won't tell.

Skip, my man--

Well, thank you so much for coming in.

Thanks for having me.

I really enjoyed working with you on the show.

Same.

It's fun.

I love the shorts and everything.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, we work hard on them.

Oh, wait.

I, uh, I don't--

I don't do kisses.

Oh, OK.

Are you comfortable--

Yep.

With that?

All right.

Wait.

Ew!

What?

Mike!

Oh, yeah.

OK.

OK.

There we go.

This is very important.

We're doing important work.

We're doing God's work. - The couple is walking.

Is that them right there?

Yeah.

Oh, he's Black?

Oh, .

No, he can't move out, dog.

What's going on with you two guys?

I understand there's some interesting dynamics.

Go ahead.

Tell him what the problem is. - What?

What's the problem?

Yeah, what's our problem?

We have no problems.

My cohorts in the other van say you're lying.

Like .

Yes, I love them.

So we've been living together since September.

It's been going well.

It's been going, like--

we've-- I was nervous at first.

Why you stammering? You're stammering.

Doing a lot of stammering. - He's so nervous.

So you're living together since September, and?

I went to Pennsylvania to do this show, "Richard III,"

and it was just really hard to not be together.

But I think--

So what's the problem?

It's time to renew the lease, and we had an argument recently

that kind of, I don't even know how it began,

but it kind of culminated in like, I don't think we

should live together anymore.

Which I can laugh about it now, but it

wasn't funny at the time. Seriously.

Is this something you want to tell her?

Is there something-- look, are you tired of being mommy

and daddy right now?

You're settling down too soon?

Yeah, OK.

That's pretty good, Alec.

That's pretty good?

That's very good.

I could get anybody off the street,

they could have figured that out.

He's tired of being mommy and daddy.

He's tired of playing mommy and daddy.

Like they're settling down too soon.

It's hard to--

it's hard to tell yourself that. - He won't say that to me.

How old are you? You want freedom?

Mm.

Yes.

He wants freedom.

But, but, but not freedom from her.

OK, let's stop.

Let's go.

We have an answer for you.

We have the man that's right for her.

Oh, my god.

I'm so scared. Get him.

Here he comes.

Speaking of-- speaking of "King Lear."

Hey, what the hell is up?

Oh, my god.

What it is?

Yeah.

Yo, man, you're impersonations are killer.

Oh, thank you so much.

Don't that.

I'm here to be a love--

I'm here to be a love doctor.

- Advisor. - Yeah.

I'm here to be a love advisor here.

OK, so yo, you're 23, you're 24.

First of all, y'all are both young as ish.

Second of all, how long you been living together?

Since September? - Yeah.

Man, he ain't even had a chance--

you ain't even had a chance to, like, be in your own space

as a man.

You need to live nine months by yourself, at least.

Have you done that yet?

No.

You have not.

That's the problem.

Let's play a little game.

Ready?

I have an egg timer here.

The egg timer doesn't really work.

It go like that, that means it's times up.

Ready? - OK.

OK.

Things that drive you crazy about him.

He's late to things.

He's really bad at scheduling things.

He's sometimes-- he's disorganized.

Oh, there's something I don't really want to say.

His weed smoking.

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, you said that loud.

Wow.

Good timing, though. Right?

Weed smoking?

I hope you get this question.

It's about time.

OK.

Things you would do if you were single right now.

I'd go out more on the weekends.

I would try to not actually meet women.

I would try to, like, find time for myself.

I would drink a lot more, and smoke a lot more.

Wow.

Amazing.

Man, it's amazing.

Four for her--

four for her, three for you.

You have a lot of fears.

But at the end of day, if tomorrow you had to breakup

or getting married, what would you do?

Breakup or get married? Yeah.

I'd get married.

This is-- oh.

Oh.

There you go.

- Are you telling the truth? - No, no.

Listen.

There are a lot of trepidations.

There is a lot of worry.

But when it comes down to it, there's

only been one person in my entire life

that I can see myself having kids with.

Is that you? Because--

Is it her?

No.

What do you want?

Oh, well, I mean baseline, I would like to--

Marry to break up?

Married.

So both of you care, but you don't want to stay together.

- Yes. - Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think the positive is that you both have

to be honest with each other.

And if you don't want the same thing right now, that's fine.

You're so young.

The women I dated when I was your age,

I don't even remember their names.

The woman Jay dated last night, he doesn't--

He doesn't remember. - Nah, man.

Each night, it's a different--

kind of--

Welcome, everyone, to the first rehearsal

for "Oedipus Rex."

Hilary, why are we in your room?

Well, this is a very avant garde production.

And the Philistines in the theater department

wouldn't give us rehearsal space.

So.

Did you maybe call them that when you asked for it?

No.

I just congratulated them on their 1,000th production

of "The Importance of Being Earnest" and I

think the rest was implied.

Why do these scripts say Doris Rex?

Mmm, good question.

This is a modern retelling of "Oedipus Rex," where

the protagonist is Doris, a strong Greek woman who points

out the flaws in the current monarchy,

and then rises to prominence using solid political sense

and becomes king.

You mean queen.

King.

Let's take a look at costumes.

I made this out of a sheet.

I thought it'd be good for a costume.

Perfect.

One small recommendation.

I would like it for our costumes to evoke sensible slacks.

You want us to wear slacks?

Well, I want the togas to evoke slacks.

By being?

Slacks.

Give you that.

Do we have a prop lantern?

Yes.

I did some research.

Wow, I love what you did here, Molly.

Really good work.

I would like it to be different, I think, in almost every way,

but it's so hard for me to articulate exactly how to you.

So I think I'll probably just do it myself.

Um, uh, but great work.

Thank you?

I'm going to start taking notes.

What was wrong with my paper?

There's no lines.

It's chaotic.

You're not being a good leader.

I'm the best leader.

No, of course.

But it would be nice if you took other people's ideas.

Fine.

A good leader embraces criticism,

so let's proceed with the rehearsal

and I will give notes after.

Attend the tale--

Not like that!

Hillary, you are being a tyrant.

I am not a tyrant!

You're fired!

I respect you!

I'm just better at everything than you are!

Would you rather work on this by yourself?

That's my dream collaboration.

I actually wouldn't mind that.

Yeah, my bookbinding class

is really stressing me out.

Yeah.

And I've been dealing with a cappella drama.

And frankly, it's been sapping my emotional resources.

Yeah, And my erotic photography project--

I guess I have a lot going on too.

Hillary, why don't you let us know if you need anything?

Here ye, and attend the tale of the masculine, yet still

attractive, Doris of Thebes.

Yeah.

Seriously, what the F is going

on with this stupid election?

Like, every other post on my Facebook is about it.

I know.

And it's like, who cares about the president?

- No one! - Oh my god.

Oh my god. Bobby Moynihan.

He's so hot. He's coming over here.

I just want to, like, lick him or something.

What?

Hey, Blake. Hey, Kenzie.

You guys mind if I sit here?

No.

Sit-- sit down, Bobby Moynihan. - OK.

How are you? - Hi, good.

Good.

We were actually just talking about the election.

You know, we're, like, super politically smart like that.

Oh yeah? Mm-hmm.

Who do you guys think is going to win?

Well, it's definitely not going to be that super old guy.

Oh, Ron Paul? Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys just think his policies

aren't mainstream enough, or?

No, it's just that he's just too old.

Yeah.

It's like, who wants a wrinkly old troll doll to be president?

Oh, I would.

Yeah, well, like, people from other countries

are going to come, and they're going to like shake his hand,

and then it's, like, ew.

Yeah, you can see his veins under his skin.

Ew. That is weird.

Crazy. Mm-hmm.

It's translucent like a bat's wing.

Yeah, totally. Bats.

Yeah.

OK.

Plus, every guy named Ron is a total skeet bucket.

Um, example?

Ron Bauer.

Ugh, Ron Bauer's such a perv-asaur.

Disgusting.

No, like, he literally smells like lube, you guys.

What does lube smell like?

Oh my god, did you know I heard that during lunch he'll

go out to his car and literally jack it into his glove box?

Mmm.

Put his jacket in his glove box?

I mean, do they get wrinkled?

Totally. OK.

So no Ron Paul.

Do you think Obama will win the re-election?

Ugh, re-election.

You're just-- oh my god, you're so smart.

It's just a term used by most people.

No, you're just so intelligent.

OK.

But no, he's not going to win.

I disagree wholeheartedly.

No.

He killed bin Laden.

Excellent point.

You know, he may have done it himself.

He passed the health care reform.

He's sang that Al Green song. Yeah, but he's boring.

It's like, if he wants our attention, like,

he's got to have some sort of, like, swagger.

Totally.

Like, make it interesting. Like.

Yeah.

Like he should really take swagger lessons from you,

Bobby Moynihan.

I don't think he would benefit from that.

No, yeah.

Because I don't think I have much swagger.

But see, that's the thing.

You just, like, you have natural swagger.

Well, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

So you guys just thinking Mitt Romney is going to win, or?

- Oh, yeah. - Yes, yes.

Of course. - Definitely.

Just because of his policies?

No, no.

It's because he's loaded.

I mean, like, look at Tyler P. Tyler P's the class

president, but only because his dad spent,

like, a million dollars putting posters up everywhere.

Ridiculous.

And it's like, no one even likes Tyler.

- No, no, no. - No.

Well, the candidate who has the most money

usually wins 94% of the time.

Oh my god!

Bobby Moynihan, I was literally just about to say that,

because the 94 thing, I actually,

I, um, I read that in a, in a newspaper.

- In a newspaper? - Yes.

I think I saw the same newspaper.

Oh my god!

Oh my God!

Why don't you guys just go--

why don't you guys just go dry hump under the bleachers?

Wow, that is inappropriate.

Blake!

This is getting to that point.

I'm a grown man.

You're both teenagers.

So I'm just going to go.

I don't think this is appropriate.

No, no, no!

I shouldn't even be allowed in this school, to be honest.

Bobby Moynihan, please come back.

Don't call me Bobby Moynihan.

Just call me Bobby.

Call me by my human first name, please?

You ruined my chances with Bobby Moynihan.

I'm sorry--

Yeah.

But you were being a-- Oh my god.

Look at Chandra.

She's even a banana.

Ew.

She's eating it so slowly.

Oh my god, she's totally pretending it's

Mr. Kowalski's D.

Oh my god.

Is that Chandra eating a banana?

Yes.

What does she think, that's Mr. Kawasaki's D?

Yeah.

I shouldn't be here.

- Bye. - Bye.

Ugh.

Hi!

I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and I eat a lot of sugar.

Want to hear a story?

I'm going to tell you a story.

It's a really cool time traveling story

called "Bike to the Future."

This guy's name is Elliot.

He's a really smart scientist guy and inventor.

He was the one that invented Twizzlers,

and also that sticky goop that makes fart sound.

One day, he was doing an experiment on his dog Ginger

to make her talk.

But he accidentally forgot to carry

the one on his long division.

And the dog blew up all over.

He was sad and he cried so hard that he drooled.

Then stopped crying and decided to invent

a time traveling machine to bring his dead dog back

from the dead.

So he put together a bunch of cool metal

and electronic equipment, and ate all the candy

and Dr. Pepper he wanted so he could stay up

till after midnight.

Next morning, he attached it to his BMX bike, and it lit up,

and it looked awesome.

He had to go 8 miles per hour in order for it to work.

So he went to the end of the street,

then rode the bike as fast as he could.

And when he hit 8 miles per hour, a bunch of electricity

happened like [static noise].

Next thing he knew, he was back in the garage,

and Ginger was alive again.

So he carried the heck out of the one,

then he gave her an injection.

Then she started talking.

Whoa, cool, I can talk.

Yeah!

He was so excited that he

accidentally spilled Dr. Pepper all over the time machine.

And next thing he knew, he was in the future.

And all the humans were actually artificially intelligent

robots.

And they saw Elliot and thought he

must be an alien or something.

So they shot lasers out of their faces at him,

then made cool sounds like pew, pew, pew,

pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Ah.

So he jumped on the bike again and he

ended up in some kind of park, and he thought he was safe.

But then a crazy guy with a skirt made of leaves

pointed his spear at him.

But then he got shot in the neck with a dart.

So they all turned around.

It was a cool archaeologist with a brown hat and a whip.

And he said, hey, come with me.

I'm looking for a magical sword or something.

And Elliott said, OK.

But he was scared, so he jumped back on the bike.

He ended up in a big field.

And this lady just kept talking about purple.

And it was kind of boring.

So he got the heck out of there.

Purple.

And he ended up in World War Two.

And there were bombs going off everywhere.

It was way cooler.

And an army guy was like, come on.

The enemy is invading our base.

We got to go save Private Brian.

Then they heard the whistling of the missile,

so he jumped on his bike just as it hit.

He went flying into the air and went

all the way across the moon.

And he landed in some water.

He was relieved to be out of there.

But just then, a huge shark fin popped up behind him,

and hear that scary--

Sound that you hear whenever a shark is around.

Then he got pulled under hard.

But luckily, he ate the bike too.

So it zapped him back into his garage, and Ginger was there,

and he was so relieved.

So they went into the TV room, but then he noticed a glass

of water was jiggling around.

And Ginger said, uh-oh, you know what that means?

And Elliot said, yeah.

The stereo was up too loud.

And they watched the rest of "Jurassic Park"

and went to bed.

Sugar Boy!

I love Steven Spielberg movies.