Original subtitles

The past, the present, the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with comedian John Mulaney

to find out what the cards have to say about his future.

John, are you ready? - Yes.

- You're positive? - That I'm ready?

Yes, I'm positive. - OK.

You're sure? - I'm sure.

Yeah.

OK.

I-- I'm not ready.

I actually have to go to the bathroom.

Is that OK? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Please go, by all means.

I'll be right back, two seconds.

Yeah.

Could you not touch that?

Yeah, that's-- it's fake.

So it's no danger to me.

Don't touch anything.

OK.

Have you thought about what question

you want answered today?

I am thinking of buying an apartment.

Is that a good idea to buy an apartment?

That's a little bit of a braggy question, but that's OK.

What do I do with my hands?

Just get out of my way.

First card--

Ace of Cups.

Right off the bat, I have to ask you.

What's your relationship with the ocean?

When I was 11, we went to Cape Cod.

So your family's pretty well-off.

Yes.

A lot of people can go to Cape Cod.

It's free.

It's free to go to Cape Cod.

Second card-- the Hierophant.

What is a hierophant?

It's a little complicated.

Would you explain it to me since it's my tarot reading?

I feel like you would then explain it,

even if it was complicated.

I would, but I don't think we have a ton of time.

I'm blocked off, like, two hours.

Some kind of religious guy.

You know what?

I don't think that's you.

Let's pick a different card. - Great.

So we can-- that's the way this works is anything

you don't like, you can-- - Yeah.

Cool.

The Devil.

The Devil-- I know this one.

That's good.

We thought this was going to be a straightforward reading

about a real estate purchase.

Sure.

But sometimes the cards show us things we

need to see that we didn't ask.

Maybe you're actually up against Satan.

May I backtrack for a second?

I-- just to recap, I'm a hierophant

and I'm up against the Devil.

The classic hierophant versus Devil struggle.

Devil like a Red Hots ad? Red Hots.

What-- and the third card means what?

This is your dream.

I would love it if that card was a hierophant

having defeated Satan.

I bet it's going to be some other more random image.

You have no idea what's about to happen to you.

I like how menacing you are.

If the card that had come up here--

if instead of the Devil, you had drawn the Fool,

this reading would be very wacky.

We'd be doing bits.

There'd be some slapstick going on.

Right.

Movie references.

Yeah.

I match the tone of the obstacle.

OK.

Next card-- the Lovers.

When's the last time you made love?

Probably in college.

But I had sex yesterday.

Fair.

This next card represents your hopes and your fears,

how you're going to feel.

- Both? - Yes.

OK.

Just it's a whatever card.

It's a whatever card?

It's what's known in the tarot community--

The community--

As a whatever card.

There's like a neighborhood?

Yeah.

Next card-- the Hanged Man.

Can you turn it to me?

I mean--

Oh, no.

I'm glad that is a whatever, take-it-or-leave-it card.

Yeah.

Well, when I said "whatever card,"

I meant whatever's on this card is definitely happening.

Oh, weird.

It changed after I saw the image.

Yeah.

Final card-- the Chariot.

So you're going to move.

You're going to move.

- Oh, because it's a chariot? - Yeah.

- Oh, because it moves? - Yeah.

That actually works.

You're going to arrive in style.

I know, with a black Sphinx and a white Sphinx.

Yeah.

So maybe you'll use an interracial moving company.

I was planning on it.

I was going to use Lethal Weapon Movers.

Oh, I hear great things.

Yeah, they're very good.

They are getting a little old.

One of them is too old for this ...

All right.

Let's do the numbers.

14.

What did the last person get?

Oh, I've never done this before.

Oh.

You're watching MTV Europe.

You just watched "Hjooker Lawyer."

Next up is "Hey Guys!"

YEUVEJEGENJA "Hey Guys!"

Zigga zigga!

We're coming at you live from our studios in downtown Europe.

Now, give it up for Europe's number one

VJ, Yeuvejegenja Yevjskaiya!

Waba, waba, waba.

Hey, guys.

It's me, Yeuvejegenja Yevjskaiya,

VJ here on MTV Europe and your host of "Hey Guys!"

Hey, guys.

Put down your drinkable yogurt because joining me later

in the studio is the one and only

American actress, Sophia Bush.

Hey, guys.

You know what that means.

Whenever we hear a traditional Irish step dance,

it's time for my favorite segment,

Game Challenge Trivia-Style.

Let's meet today's contestants.

Hey, guys.

Cool sunburn, man.

What's your name and what do you do?

I am called Gunter.

And I am a dairy farmer from Dusseldorf.

And how about you, my little kitten?

I'm Fabriziana.

I'm window prostitute.

Very cool.

OK, you two.

Here is today's question.

What European hit has topped music charts for over 14

straight years in a row?

"Don't Turn Around," Ace of Base.

Beef and Reef?

Oh, do-mage.

That's some sad cheese, guy.

Fabriziana.

"The Sign," Ace of Base.

Oh, hell yes, N-word.

You won.

Guess what?

You're getting a year's supply of Dutch butter.

Dutch butter-- it's delicious, it's nutritious,

and it's better than lube.

Hey, guys.

Now, let's toss this salad to Lady Gaga with the weather.

We're seeing scattered thunderstorms in Northern

Europe from Oslo down to Copenhagen,

as well as record-breaking humidity

and temperatures up to 21 degrees

Celsius in Paris through Rome.

Thanks, Gaga. Sounds hot.

You better not wear your meat dress

because it's going to stink.

Hey, guys.

It's the moment we've all been waiting for.

Please help me give a warm European

welcome with two kisses and one finger to the one,

the only Sophia Bush.

Hey, Sophia.

It's great to have you here.

Thank you so much.

I'm really happy to be here, you guys.

We are absolutely loving the promos for your brand-new show.

Tell us all about it.

Thank you.

I am really so excited.

It's funny and it's poignant.

And-- and the comedy is really great.

I think you guys are really going to enjoy "Partners."

What are you talking about, Willis?

Oh, I'm sorry.

The new show, "Partners," is premiering September 24 on CBS.

Sophia, don't be a cheese weasel.

I'm talking about your brand-new show

here in Europe, "Un Tree Hill."

Ha ha!

Oh, it's really not that brand-new.

You know, "One Tree Hill" started in 2003.

Well, I'll tell you what.

It's fresh off the boat here in Europe

and it smells good, girl.

Got a lot of buzz.

Thank you.

Tell me all about your recording career,

because you right now have the number-two hit in Europe,

right behind Ace of Base.

I-- I'm sorry, guys.

I think that you have me mistaken with

somebody else because I don't--

I don't sing.

Damn, Gina, I think you're mistaken because you

have an amazing single.

And it's called "All the Things i Love About Europe."

Give it up for the video, guys.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I love about Europe--

love, love, love Europe.

Cappuccino.

Americano.

Espresso-- espresso.

Croissants-- croissants.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I love about Europe--

love, love, love Europe.

This was a great interview.

There it is.

Love that jam.

I'm sorry.

That's-- that's not a single.

That was clearly taken from an interview I did last time

I was in Europe and auto-tuned.

Well, it's selling like hotcakes.

People are buying that?

Oh, shit-plode.

OK.

Um, I'm sorry.

That's awful.

Oh, well, I tell you what, you can't forget

the motto here in Europe.

Don't judge it til you hear the remix.

Hit it, Beef and Reef.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I love about Europe.

I have to call my publicist.

Sophia?

OK, guys.

It looks like the show's over.

But tune in next week.

And never forget, if you put a fog machine and a strobe light

in a room and lock yourself there, you will die.

Waba, waba, waba.

Bye.

So I see you're about to go on a world tour that

will take you all over the map.

Who do you think you are, Carmen Sandiego?

My name is Demi.

And I sing pop music.

And I'm going to go sing a bunch of places.

But I am not Carmen Sandiego.

I wish you were Carmen Sandiego,

because I've been looking for that bitch for 25 years.

Ugh, right?

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So your latest hit single is called "Really Don't Care."

And you know, I can really relate to that song

because I don't care about anything.

My ex-husband Darren just got engaged.

I really don't care.

My ex-husband Darren's car crashed because his brakes

mysteriously stalled.

I really don't care.

You know--

I don't think you're really understanding the song,

the meaning of the song.

I think you're, like, taking it somewhere else.

Guess what?

You really don't care.

I really don't care.

Boom!

It's a home run.

Home run?

Excuse me, ball in one.

Ball in one.

Home run, ball in one.

Take that to the--

Hitting it out of the right field, right?

Yeah, to the dunk bank.

Swoosh.

That's what I--

damn it.

Swoosh.

So you've been very public with your struggles.

And I think that's very admirable.

For me, it's just really important

to be honest with my fans because I know

that they struggle with some of the same things

that I've been through.

And my fans are amazing.

They mean the world to me and more.

I've had so many public struggles, like one time

I tried to get into my ex Darren's house

and very publicly was knocking on the door

and trying to get it to open.

And I think a lot of people were inspired to take action.

And by people, I mean my neighbors and his neighbors,

I guess, now.

But they called the police and that was their action.

And that was unfortunate.

The point is, like, people love us and look up to us.

And that's-- at the end of the day, like, that's what matters.

Do you think I could, like, maybe

have a couple of your fans, though, because, like--

You can't have them.

I'm just, like, running a little low.

Yeah. You know what I think?

I think you just probably need to get more neighbors.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Because you're still living in the bushes, aren't you?

I don't live there but, you know, I sleep there.

Right.

Oh, that's a leaf.

You know, I like that you're going on a world tour.

It's good to show off in front of foreigners.

But I saw that you left some places off of the tour,

like you're not going to Afghanistan

or, like, Eastern Ukraine.

I think those places are a little dangerous right now.

Oh, I don't know.

My TV broke when I kicked it doing Tae-Bo.

And I don't read, like, the printed news.

So--

I-- you have a phone?

I do have a phone.

You can go online.

Oh, my phone is like this.

Hello?

Does it-- does it have, like, a screen or anything

that you can look at?

It has, like, a home that you put it in.

Like a charger.

Like the thing that has the cord coming out of it.

Right.

So that's a home phone.

Yes, a home phone.

That's what I have.

Got it.

I had, like, a little phone.

But I just use it to be--

it's like a fake cell phone.

And I just use it to be rude to people.

Why?

Like, just to tell them to hurry up

and stuff.

That's funny because my phone's ringing.

Oh.

Then you should get it, Demi.

No, it's OK.

People can wait.

Well, I think I've given you a lot

of really great advice today.

And I think if there's any--

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm almost done.

That doesn't--

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Does that work?

Mm-hm.

Hello?

Just like yours, but the home it lives in is my pocket.

I mostly, you know, eat blood.

I'm a big--

I'm a big fan of blood.

Animal blood, human blood, wherever I can get it.

I like that it's-- it's kind of warm and liquidy.

You know, I'm racking my brain for other foods.

But I can't think of anything else other than blood.

We-- we-- we're a blood-loving people.

I guess I'm excited to try human food today.

OK.

"Sandwich."

This looks so stupid.

It's falling apart in my hands.

You guys eat sandwiches all the time?

All right.

Bottoms up.

OK.

I sucked.

Nothing's coming out of it.

What?

Oh.

Ugh.

It's very-- it's very dry.

No.

I mean, I wish--

I wish it was blood.

I don't feel any blood dripping down my throat.

"Salad."

This looks like that stuff that cows eat.

Oh.

Oh, crap.

I don't really care for that.

There's not any blood in this, either.

People eat this?

I wouldn't be disrespectful, but I don't even know

what to do with all of this.

OK.

Here we go.

This has got blood all over it.

Interesting.

OK.

You finally-- you got this one right,

because this looks like blood.

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck,

it's probably blood.

OK.

I have a lot of problems with this.

Oh.

Ugh.

What is this bull ?

I'm mad.

There was once blood in that a long time ago.

It's old blood.

It's gone.

But you know it was there.

Oh, this was just such a letdown.

You made me think, oh, oh, like blood.

But no, it's just the opposite.

Could you come over here for a second?

I think my mic is--

I think I-- I pushed it.

So adjust your mic? - Just right there.

Yeah.

Poor unfortunate souls.

Ursula, you are the devil of the ocean.

Thank you.

Queen demon.

Thank you.

You got it.

Tell me, does the big guy upstairs

like bigger gals like me?

I haven't asked him.

But I'm pretty sure you're going to hell.

Bull shrimp.

Which for you means SeaWorld Orlando.

No!

You stole a young girl's voice, snatched

it right up out of her throat.

It's wicked.

Is that what all of this is about?

Yes.

Well, I'll have you know I didn't steal it.

That little hussy gave it to me willingly.

I've got the contract to prove it.

Read.

Can you read?

Read it.

Is this wet?

This is useless.

Well, it was signed under the sea, you bass hole!

I'm sorry.

When I start to dry out, I get a little irritable.

Yeah, take your time.

Mm. - Cool off.

That's for you. OK.

I definitely don't want that.

No, have a sip.

No, I think it actually smells like fish now.

Mm-hm.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

We also have you on a number of different things,

from extorting a squid to turning various merpeople

into weird plant-like objects.

Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I haven't done good deeds.

- Please share. - Do you want one right now?

OK.

OK.

Have you ever heard of illegal Japanese whaling?

Yeah.

I was the one who got that off the ground.

Horrible.

Every shark that eats a person, it's me.

You tell each shark to go eat that person?

Yes, I say, there's a beach full of people

celebrating happiness.

You're attacking happiness.

That's not a good deed.

Hmm.

Maybe I can do a good deed for you.

I don't see how.

Oh.

You like calamari?

I don't like calamari.

Mm.

Yes, I've got a tentacle on your testicle.

- Oh, use suction on that. - Mm.

Yes.

Do you like bondage?

Oh, no.

Little Petey can't get out.

What a poor unfortunate dick.

Oh, ah.

Who's your big momma?

I don't know.

It's me.

I'll do that again.

OK.

Who's your big momma?

I don't totally know.

Come on, it's me.

Oh.

One more time.

OK.

Who's your big momma?

It's me.

What the ?

"The Front Desk."

Enjoy your stay.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Hi.

I'm here for the triplets convention.

- Mister? - Miller.

Mr. Miller.

Yes.

Have your room right here and you are all set.

Good.

You do me one favor.

My brothers are coming in.

Now, when Tom checks in, could you put him in the room next

to mine?

He's a really great guy.

And when Tim checks in, we don't want to be anywhere near him.

He's very rude and we don't get along.

All right.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

We're kind of full because of all the triplets.

But it shouldn't be a problem. - Great.

Thank you. - Enjoy your stay.

Oh, thanks.

Tom Miller.

My brother Ted's probably already checked in.

Yeah. You just missed him.

And you guys would like your rooms together.

No.

No, I don't want to be anywhere near that guy.

He's a world-class turd.

He's a little itty-bitty turd.

Now, my brother Tim--

Uh-huh--

Could you make sure our rooms are next to each other?

He's a great guy. - Uh-huh.

- Total peach. - OK.

If you meet him, you'll know him.

He'll come up.

You'll be like, this guy's a peach.

Yeah, he'll look like you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll see what I can do.

Make it happen.

Make it happen? - I'll do my best.

Make it happen.

A lot of triplets here.

I'll make it happen.

Thank you.

Hi, Tim Miller.

I think my brothers Ted and Tom have already checked in.

Actually, you just missed them.

So--

Could you do me a favor?

I'd like to be next to Ted, but not next to Tom.

There's a lot of triplets in here.

There's a lot of requests happening.

And it's a little tough for me.

So-- but I think I got it.

It shouldn't be a problem.

You're being very rude.

Don't be rude to me.

Just-- what the hell is this?

That's your room key.

It's a key?

You put that in your door and it

unlocks the door to your room.

That's a key?

Yes.

Is that-- is that how you get in your door at home?

No.

So you start your car with one of these?

No.

A lot of them have push buttons now, though.

You're an asshole.

Hey. Ah.

I'm Terence Trent Miller.

My brothers Ted, Tom, and Tim have already checked in.

We're quadruplets. - What?

Oh. - I know.

I'm kind of the black sheep of the family.

OK.

Can you do me a favor? Oh.

Can you put us all in one room?

I don't think anybody's going to go for that?

We are fully booked. - Oh, no.

But you know what?

Oh, no.

You know what, though?

I can probably fix something for you.

I can-- - Oh, snap.

I can probably get you something.

Oh, no.

Hey, you want to-- you want to hear my guitar shirt?

I--

Hey! - All right.

Where should I go? Where should I go?

Where do you go?

Well, just come back in maybe a half-hour.

Check in and-- come back in maybe a half-hour.

OK.

And I'll let you know if I can accommodate you.

All right, buddy. Take it easy, man.

All right.

Oh, watch it.

Hey, I'm good, man.

Sorry about that.

Hey.

- Oh, there's five of you? - What?

No, I'm Ted. I'm the first guy.

I changed my shirt.

It stunk.

How can I help you?

How do I get the spank movies working?

I thought you were going to say something else--

at "The Front Desk."

Hey, Hill, can you help me find a copy of a book?

Sure, friend.

To where does your bibliographic journey lead?

I need a copy of "Romeo and Juliet."

No, you don't.

Excuse me?

You don't need to read that, OK?

No woman needs to read that.

It's a course requirement for the final paper

for Professor Hines's class.

OK.

Here's your final paper.

"Shakespeare was an ass."

Hey, look, if you're not going to help,

at least just tell me--

Juliet goes to a party, marries a boy,

and then kills herself--

bored now.

It's not supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to be homework.

Homework is fun.

Read "The Spanish Tragedy" by Thomas Kyd, OK?

The female lead loses her lover, then seduces another man

to make her lover's murderer jealous,

writes a letter in blood, and then murders the murderer.

How does it end?

She kills herself.

But I rewrote the ending in the library copy.

She becomes king.

You mean queen.

No.

Can I help you?

Um, there's no one at the desk and I need to return a book.

Give it to me.

Oh, "Jane Eyre."

How much did you love it?

Are you profoundly changed?

I didn't finish it.

- Take it back. - What?

The class is over.

Bring it back when you're changed.

I don't need to be--

No, take it.

Go.

Hey, Hill?

Where are the botany books?

Fourth floor.

That's where all the thesis carrels are.

That's right, Joan.

I really think you should consider doing a thesis, OK?

I'm afraid that you're not realizing

your full academic potential.

I'm not even coming back after the break.

I'm getting married.

Are you sure, Joan?

About my fiance?

Yes.

Joan--

He's from Connecticut.

Joan--

He's very nice to me.

Joan--

I hate him.

You again.

Did you finish the book?

I was gone for, like, a second.

I just need to find the restroom.

You don't need the restroom, OK?

All you-- the-- the restroom is in the back by the science

fiction, appropriately.

Thank you.