Original subtitles

Russell Brand?

Mm.

Russell Brand.

Listen, will you taste this?

Because I want to know if it's room temperature or not.

It's perfect.

But for what room?

I'm Rob Kingham.

I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, that's lovely.

I actually-- I don't know if you saw it--

I just read your book.

I wrote that.

You did, yeah.

While I have you here, could I ask you a question or two.

Yeah.

Yeah, no I'd be happy to.

If people have read "The Secret"--

Oh, yes.

do they still need your book?

"The Secret" is if you just hope things will be OK,

they might be.

- It doesn't work for me. - Doesn't it?

No.

Because I hope-- I hope for the best.

And then--

You did say at the beginning of this conversation

that you were my biggest fan.

You've expressed a great deal of enthusiasm.

Perhaps you manifested me using the tricks of "The Secret."

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this

before at a watercooler with people you've admired?

Somehow they've manifested.

Now, just look back at the pattern of your life.

Carl Jung would say that your unconscious life is manifesting

it here on this plane.

Can I manifest you whenever I want?

I don't know, but it's possible.

It's possible you can manifest people.

Maybe it was your book, though.

I read you book first-- - Well, I don't know.

It could be that. - Yeah.

It could be that.

Those techniques that are in there are very good.

I hope it's your book.

Oh, me too.

OK.

Do you meditate?

Yes.

What do you think about when you meditate?

- You mustn't think. - Right.

I know. I know.

But what do you think about?

You've got to find some sort of inner mantra,

some sacred sound, some vibrational code.

All being comes from vibration.

Does it?

In the beginning, there was the word,

the wave, and the particle.

But in the best meditations, Rob, the idea of self,

the temporary idea of self, it resolves itself

into dew, to quote "Hamlet."

And you're left with a kind of glorious nothingness.

I'll do that, too.

You should give it a whirl, mate.

In your book, you said that addiction behaviors are

a way to achieve connection.

Do you ever think that maybe all your behaviors and decisions--

were an opportunity to one day connect with me?

What are you like inside?

I mean, what are you like spiritually-- kind,

loving, gracious, giving, mm?

Yes.

Possibly, then, I am supposed to connect with you.

I mean, I've been pretty vulnerable lately.

Russell, will you be my guru?

A lot of people say that you have to strip

power out of all relationships.

So like the guru relationship, it has hierarchy

and power built into it.

And therefore, it has the potential

to become exploitative.

You know, I'm willing to consider the role of guru,

but that it's, somehow it's stripped of, uh, you know--

- Power. - Yes.

- I listened. - Ha-ha.

You demonstrated listening. And that's key.

Thank you.

Maybe we could be each other's gurus.

Two-way guru street, guruing each other through life?

- I don't know like-- - Like on skis?

- Like two rickshaws. - Dual--

Oh.

Dual rickshaws.

I'm not averse to it.

Look, I don't know what's going to happen to me

when I walk out that door.

I'm only temporarily here in this moment,

just sampling this water in a kind of unspace,

a Beckett-like unspace.

Do you know what I mean, "Waiting for Godot"?

Is it ever going to come--

redemption, enlightenment?

If enlightenment is not in the moment now, Rob, when is it?

When is it, Rob?

Soon, maybe.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We don't know, do we?

Mm-mm.

Two-headed guru skiing's working well,

isn't it, the guru rickshaw?

I think so.

I mean, I'm feeling more enlightened.

Now that you've imparted some of your wisdom to me,

uh, what do I do?

Oh.

Well, it's going be tricky, Rob.

It's going to be a life mostly of terrible, terrible devotion.

The way of the mendicant--

is not easy.

It's a life of denial, asceticism, self-flagellation--

Sure.

and punishment, denial of the flesh, realization

of transcendent forces.

Yes, for a while, you'll be stood here at this--

water fountain.

For time immemorial, have mammals not

been meeting thusly--

you know, a buffalo or something, or a gazelle,

down by a watering hole?

Isn't that where the idea comes from,

these epiphanies, these cultural epiphanies,

where we share little tidbits of culture together?

Let us sing new songs so gentlemen that were not here

will think to themselves, ah, we have not lived at all,

for we did not stand at the watercooler with Rob

and Russell and realize new kingdoms,

like new Arthurs, new Merlins, new American myths.

I don't know what that would be.

Football players.

Football players-- American football players.

Let's drink to that, shall we, Rob?

Yes, please.

This has-- this has been my life--

uh, my life.

Mm, what do you do after this?

What happens to you?

I was just going to wait here as long as you'll talk to me.

That's a lovely attitude.

Well, listen, I'm going to have to go, Rob.

But maybe, I don't know, maybe we'll meet again, will we?

Maybe this is a spiral, a fractal thing.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe we've met an infinite number of times

at this watercooler already.

And so we will spiral back to this moment.

I hope so.

Is that possible?

Sure, yeah.

All right.

So which way is the bathroom?

Straight that way.

Just keep walking straight, and I'll be in a bathroom

eventually? - I think so.

All right. Well, I'm going to trust you.

Never forget me.

See you next time.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog-- am a dog.

I am a dog.

Hurry up, let me out the garage.

Hurry up, give my balls a massage 'for I

start barking like Nicki Minaj.

Hey, I'm a crazy bitch.

Give me shots for my rabies, bitch.

Matter of fact, give me some kibbles and bits.

Mailman, you see me, your ass better dip.

I'm staring at your plate.

Beggin' Strips don't taste like steak.

You want to neglect me?

Want to neglect me?

Well, I'm gonna chew your shoes till they non-existent.

Throw this damn ball, bitch.

Stop resisting.

Me and your new boys ain't co-existing.

Heh?

Ha.

I'll bark, I'll roar.

Watch me drag my ass across your floor, huh?

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

I am a dog.

If a never smelled before, I got a piss, bitch.

You see me scratching this door?

You done lost your head.

New to me?

I'm still gonna hump your leg.

Mark my temper by the car in the shed.

I left fertilizer in your garden bed.

You heard what I said?

I left fertilizer in your garden bed.

Garden bed.

Now, that was just a warning.

Keep it up me.

Me and my fleas are gonna roll up on you, bitch.

And don't try to feed me no chocolate fam, either.

I know that trick fam.

No cocoa on my fork.

Praise be the Cujo.

I'm the Shih-Tzu.

I am a dog, a a dog.

Hey, Thingstarter.

My name is Richard.

And I'm Alex.

We've spent our entire careers kidnapping people for ransom.

Well, recently, we got to thinking,

is there a better way?

We've become big believers in organic food, green energy,

and the farm-to-table movement, and we

wanted to integrate some of those

values into our line of work.

We call it--

Sustainable kidnapping.

The goal of sustainable kidnapping is simple.

Always return the victims in better condition

than we got them.

We used to treat our kidnapees pretty rough.

But now each kidnapped person receives their own customized

diet and workout plan to keep them in peak physical shape.

And instead of being traumatized for life,

the people we sustainably kidnap receive

twice-weekly therapy sessions.

And we've improved the kidnapping process by switching

to all-natural chloroform with 100% biodegradable filthy rags.

I had a lot of assumptions about kidnappers--

that they were angry and violent and didn't care

about the use of pesticides.

But these guys are great, although they do need

a ransom before letting me go.

So please donate.

Kidnapping just runs in our blood.

Our father was a kidnapper.

His father was a kidnapper.

His father was kidnapped and then became a kidnapper.

And then we started kidnapping.

You kidnapped my heart.

We also educate our victims on lessons of sustainability

so they can set up their own local kidnapping programs.

Thingstarter, you can trust us.

We've kidnapped over two dozen people for ransoms

and released them every time we got paid.

You can also trust that every time we didn't get paid,

someone died.

That part doesn't change.

But on the plus side, 10% of each ransom

goes toward improving the community of the kidnapees.

I hope you guys fund my ransom because I would love my kid

to have a new swing set at his local park,

and because I don't want to die.

And we've got some great rewards.

For $10, you get a toe.

Don't worry.

These aren't Dan's toes.

These are leftover toes from before we became sustainable.

For $25, you'll get a signed copy

of our book, "Sustainable kidnapping," with the foreword

by Michael Pollan.

For $50, you'll get fresh vegetables from the farm.

Yep, they're also farmers.

And for $1 million, we'll give you the exact GPS coordinates

of where we're keeping Dan--

no cops.

Seriously, though-- no cops, or we'll kill Dan and the cops.

Now, if we do end up having to kill Dan,

you can rest assured we'll toss him right on our compost pile,

where his body will decompose naturally, unless he's

eaten a lot of Styrofoam.

Hey!

I told you, no Styrofoam.

So please donate to our sustainable kidnapping project.

You have 30 days before blood is on your hands.

Bye.

"7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with my guest, Will Ferrell.

Thanks, Will.

My pleasure.

Great to be here.

You grew up in Irvine, California?

Mm-hmm.

Is there any truth to the popular phrase,

if you grow up in Irvine, California,

you basically grow up in a Del Taco restaurant?

You ride your bike around in flannel shirts.

You drink cans of beer.

All right.

You lose your virginity in a mall.

And you respect the band Soundgarden.

That's the phrase?

You go through The Groundlings, a fantastic Los

Angeles comedy theater.

And you're just kicking butt.

You're doing great. - Right.

And then you get the big call.

Right.

"Drowning Mona."

You land the role of Cubby the Funeral Director.

Yep.

Is Cubby here today?

I think he is.

Oh!

Yes, he sure is.

An early role that was great in a career of movies

I want to talk about.

But real quick, I'd love to go over your lines in "Drowning

Mona" and have you tell me a little bit about each one--

background and whether it was improvised

and what it was like that day on the set.

Great. What does that say?

I don't have my glasses.

Yeah, you and everyone's mother.

Yeah, you and everyone's mother.

Break it down.

How'd the-- do you remember that day?

Huh-uh.

Hmm.

So we're former gang members who have quit the gang.

As they describe their initiation into the Bloods

or whatever, it starts to sound more

and more like they may have just been initiated into a frat.

It's something that I'm glad

we were able to separate ourselves from that group,

even though we made lifelong friends.

Yeah.

And they're mad about us doing this interview.

They were emailing me like, don't do it, you idiot.

And we'd have to go on these horrible gang trips

to Lake Havasu--

Oh.

And Cancun.

I remember--

Fort Lauderdale, Palm Springs.

the senior members gave me a ton of shit

when I asked out a Crip girl.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I remember this.

There was a girl in the house, the gang house near us,

who was technically a Crip.

But she was cute, and I had no one to go to the Bloods dance.

Her gang name was Courtney.

This is called meme this choke.

We're going to have Will kind of start choking me for, like,

three seconds.

And then you guys put the words on like when you find out

your neighbor been borrowing your mower without asking,

or, you know, they put words over it.

But then they'll have it loop over and over.

Meme This Choke.

We're overly theatrical guys--

OK.

who are-- have gotten trapped in paper bags.

And we're trying to act our way out of a paper bag.

Pretty beautiful night for a ball.

Yes, indeed.

This will be my last ball.

I'm dying.

You-- what?

You are?

We're two guys that get back from a panty raid,

and we don't know what to do with all the panties.

God, that was thrilling, right?

Woo! We almost got caught.

Oh, man.

That one girl was coming after me,

and I was like de-de-de-de-de.

Yep.

She had a gun.

All right.

Well--

There's got to be at least--

I mean, I'm not exaggerating here 800 pairs of panties.

Yeah, it's quite a haul.

Yeah.

Well, let me--

What do you want--

I have a drawer that has a little space.

Do you-- should we just split it up down the middle?

You get 400, I get 400.

You're the first cowboy that sleeps in.

How we looking?

Uh, we've all been, uh, here for a couple hours.

We were trying to be quiet.

I'm not feeling it today.

I'm gonna stay back with the chuckwagon.

You guys go get Black Bart.

Let's get him after lunch.

We gotta get him now, man.

He's still gonna be there.

Come on.

All right, everybody.

We're going to get him after lunch.

He has a good point. - That's more sensible.

- There's nothing going on-- - That's more sensible.

at any point in our days.

We'll feel so much more energized.

We're not going to sleep, though.

We're going to lasso some stuff.

Yeah, do it.

I saw in my research on Will

Ferrell that your parents got divorced when you were younger.

Yeah, right, sure.

Yeah.

How was that?

What do you think, asshole?

Hard.

Seems like it'd be hard as shit.

Fuck.

You were eight or whatever?

Mm-hmm.

That seems like it'd be hard as shit.

It was.

I don't want to exploit it.

That seems like that'd be hard as shit.

No.

I'm not gonna kiss you.

I'm not gonna kiss you.

Wipe the slate clean, please, for a minute.

I heard your parents got divorced.

That seems like it'd be hard as shit.

Nope.

It's not any different.

I mean, this closet, you're bringing

up my parents' divorce, and you're

trying to kiss me on the lips.

How do you think that feels, hmm?

Invasive.

Yes.

- I guess I was kind of-- - Yeah.

overstepping my bounds.

Yes, my friend.

Well--

Oh, my god.

How about "Anchorman"?

Did that feel good?

I see.

A more positive thing helps.

Yeah.

Thank you, Will.

Thank you, Mike.

Oh, yeah.

This is your brain.

And this is heroin.

This is what happens to your brain after snorting heroin.

And this is what your body goes through.

Wait.

It's not over yet.

This is what your family goes through.

And you friends.

And your money.

And your drugs.

And your self-respect.

And your future.

Any questions?

Uh, yeah, we have a lot of questions.

Why do you have to do this to every room in the house?

I'm making a point, Dad.

None of us do heroin, honey.

What does all this symbolize?

It means heroin smashes your money.

Oh, my god, she didn't even think it through.

Well, how else was I going to make my point?

I don't know.

Just send us an email.

But smashing stuff is dramatic.

I told you, if you want to smash things,

you go to the garage.

But I need to express myself.

No, you need to get a summer job.

Oh.

Oh.

My wineglasses.

I got these from Pottery Barn, Rachel.

Where are my stemlesses?

You know, I've never done heroin.

But honestly, Rachel, this makes me want to.

No, this is what heroin does to your life.

Hold on.

This is way more damage than anyone on heroin has ever done.

You know what people on heroin do?

They sleep.

And then they wake up, and they buy more heroin.

Yeah, like Stuart.

Wait, what?

My dinner party tonight is officially completely ruined.

Rachel, just go to your room, OK?

You're welcome.

No!

Not again, Rachel.

Shouldn't have given her that bedroom pan.

You bought her a bedroom pan?

A bedroom pan.

Oh, I gotta stop her.

Dad, can I have a bedroom pan?

No.

Thanks, Dad.

The eggshells are like your brain--

no, no, no, your brain is like the yolk.

All the cutlery that doesn't break because that's

your drive to do heroin.

Sorry, I'm on a lot of coke right now.

The summit is within reach.

Let us do the celebratory dance of Girr.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

Cheer up.

I'm never gonna forgive myself.

What's done is done.

I gotta get our spot back.

Hey, what do you think of this?

What are you doing?

Oh, a series IV classic.

Give us your spot in line, and it's yours.

Josh, you don't have to do this.

Yes, I do.

What do you say?

You've got a deal, man.

Awesome.

How do you feel about FutureSpace miniatures?

Yeah.

Yeah, there he is.

OK, let me see.

FutureSpace Bible.

The gun that kill Gliglor.

FutureSpace Cola from the Soviet Union.

It contains radon.

Only 4,000 were ever produced.

I need it. Thank you.

Here's your 46.

It's the one where Lexicon has a cock.

They did only two and a half printings

before someone caught it.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Sorry, Duffy.

So close.

We saved your place, humans.

- Really? - Yes.

- Come on. - Of course, man.

You guys are hard core.

You guys are awesome. - Seriously.

- Josh. - I'm Funt.

Chris, thanks. Thanks, guys.

We did it!

Dad.

Jake?

What are you doing here, buddy?

So where do I buy a ticket?

A ticket?

It's sold out.

I didn't even think.

Take my ticket.

What?

I promised you I'd get you to the front of the line,

and I did.

Thanks, man.

Great.

Hey, kid, you know, there's room for two

people in the projection booth.

Oh, dude, that'd be awesome.

Whoa, whoa, settle down, nerd.

Hurry up.

I don't want to miss the previews.

Thanks.

No, these are mine.

These are mine.

Woo!

We're getting ready to watch "FutureSpace, Final Chapter."