Original subtitles

Oh, god.

OK, people.

It is opening night.

Shut up!

Shut up!

In the past, I have found that it

is the last night when the weirdest

shit happens with you people.

Not tonight.

Some ground rules.

I know a lot of you like to re-enact things

you just saw in the movie.

I will not allow re-enactments within 50 feet of my theater,

and I will not bend on that.

I will ban you from this theater.

You will never be allowed in here

ever, unless I'm not working or I've forgotten your face.

Finally, the bathrooms.

All I ask is that you remember that you are human beings.

That is all.

You're a grown man.

How much longer?

You guys are never going to believe what I did last night.

I watched a mother movie.

Want to guess what movie I watched?

"Step Brothers?"

"Pineapple Express?"

"The House Bunny?"

All good guesses, but you're wrong.

The movie I watched was a little flick that some people

like to call "Future Space."

Guess who wins the Goblet of Reason?

Lothgar.

I see you've seen the film.

No.

I happen to have a firm grasp on the mythology.

Not the ending.

If you want to hear it, I'll be standing right over there.

Master.

Do not worry, my son.

There is nothing he can say that will shock me.

Any other takers?

What do I got?

Anyone?

You?

Why are we doing this?

The final shot, the ending of your stupid movie, reveals--

OK, that's it.

Let's go, buddy.

Move it.

Why do you care?

Because I love movies.

Can I just yell like one-- like one thing?

No.

Beat it.

You beat it.

Mm.

Mm.

Oh.

That might be piss.

OK, two things.

One, what just happened does not make us friends.

Two, your movie starts in 30 minutes.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right.

Paulilu Mixtape.

Sketch comedy.

Babe, you know how to tie a tie.

I like it better when you do it.

What's the occasion?

You.

You're the best.

God, I'm so lucky.

Whoa, what happened?

What?

Your boobs got small.

They've always been this size.

Why did you change the picture?

I didn't change anything.

Katie's boobs, they've always been big, right?

No.

Yeah, she has tiny boobs.

Dude, she had big boobs yesterday and now they're gone.

They didn't disappear yesterday.

They were always gone.

Boobs can't just disappear!

The truth is she has no boobs!

Why would you say that you to me?

Why would you--

Relax!

Get off me!

You replaced the book with an empty book.

You erased your tits.

Why did you do it, Katie?

I've always been flat.

Why are you doing this to me?

What happened to the tits?

Sometimes people invent completely alternate realities.

Imaginary friends, imaginary families, imaginary tits.

Stop it.

Why are you doing this?

I'm not making them up.

You're the best.

They've always been this size.

Give me back the tits!

Give me back the tits!

Tell me what happened to the tits.

No one will know you told me.

They're listening.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to the Idiot's Guide to Smart People.

Today's topic, politics.

Politics is the smart person word for yelling

about the government.

As an idiot, it's one of your favorite pastimes.

But if you ever get stuck in a political argument

with a smart person, you will be strongly tempted

to punch them in the face.

So to avoid going to jail for assault,

here's everything you need to know about smart people

and politics.

First off, misconceptions.

As an idiot, you have no idea how the government works.

But smart people are confused too.

Their knowledge of how the government theoretically works

gives them the delusion they can change how

the government actually works.

Unfortunately for them, knowledge is not power.

Money is, and only rich people can actually change things.

Which brings us to not making a difference.

Smart people have a variety of methods they use to exert zero

influence over the government.

A petition is intended as a powerful statement

of collective action, but it's really just a list

of people who aren't rich.

When the petition fails, a smart person

might employ the fearsome tactic known as a passionate email.

Smart people have been known to spend hours writing

these pretentious manifestos, which

are then carefully read by their congressman's trash can.

These bizarre behaviors get even worse during elections.

In a representative democracy like the United States,

elections are regularly held to determine which wealthy liar

will run the government, which means

rich people have to occasionally pretend

to care what idiots think.

So in election years, rich people

hire smart people to figure out what idiots think

so the rich liars can lie to the idiots more effectively,

and these smart rich partnerships

exploit your deepest emotions to trick you into supporting

anything at all.

Of course, after all their hard work,

smart people get very upset if their favorite liar

doesn't win, which leads us to liberals and conservatives.

There are idiots and smart people

on both sides of the political spectrum,

and all of their opinions are annoying.

However, smart liberals and smart conservatives

are annoying in different ways.

Smart conservatives, for example,

have to pretend to be idiots.

That's because their party is deeply suspicious of experts,

whose godless scientific worldview

scatters annoying facts all over their dumb faces.

Smart liberals, on the other hand,

want to seem smarter than they actually are.

Their political heroes or college professors and wise ass

comedians, thus a smart liberal will attempt to educate you,

even if you agree with them, and will proudly

refer to the smart person blogs from which

they stole their opinions.

Both kinds of smart people are absolutely insufferable,

but there is a way to avoid putting

your fist through their head.

Simply take pity on their towering

self-delusion, fruitless rage, and pathetic grandstanding.

And you're just going to punch them anyway, aren't you?

All right, just remember to hire a smart person as your lawyer.

As.

Christmas is upon us, we present the true story

of the birth of Jesus Christ

I'm Joseph, and this is my wife the Virgin Mary.

We've traveled far to Bethlehem.

She's well into her third trimester.

Is there any room at your inn?

No, but you can stay at my manger.

Thank you.

Uh-oh.

My water broke.

And now we take Jesus out of Mary's tummy.

Ow, my contractions.

Get them on the table.

I've got this.

Her cervix is four inches dilated.

Also, she's a virgin.

Keep pushing, Mary.

Bite down on this.

You did this to me.

No, I didn't.

He did.

Mary, now you will experience--

um, experience-- vaginal tearing.

No.

Here it comes.

Oh no, she pushed so hard some poop came out of her.

Yes, that happens.

Jesus Christ!

Now we cut the umbilical cord of our Lord and Savior.

Congratulations, Mary, it's a boy.

And you didn't die during childbirth like most

women do in this time.

It's a miracle.

But wait.

I'm the placenta.

And that was the story of Christmas.

"7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Tina Fey.

Hi, Tina. - Hi, Mike.

How are you doing? - Good.

How are you? - I'm good, thank you.

I'd be remiss if I didn't ask you about your Sarah

Palin impression.

We're a little tight on time, but I

wondered if you could do a maybe 1.5 second snippet of it.

Sure.

Glerp.

And that's Palin.

You're appearing as your "30 Rock" character

Liz Lemon on an upcoming "Breaking Bad."

I got a look at the script, and I wondered if it was OK to give

a little preview of that.

That'd be great.

What the what?

You're cooking meth without me?

I'll put you in the ground, bitch.

Blerg!

I quit.

I'm finding a job where my clients own bed frames.

Lemon out.

Lemon out has a hand signal?

Lemon out.

L. Lemon out.

Sweeping the nation.

It's all over everywhere.

Uzbekistan.

Everybody in Uzbekistan is Lizzing right now.

I wanted to ask, is there a-- is there a private thing

about yourself that you kind of had in the back of your mind

like, if I have to, I'll give this up?

Because I don't have the question to unlock that,

but I'm not a great interviewer.

In my back pocket I was probably willing to say that I

threw up in Gramercy Tavern once,

but not, not talk about the time I made out with John Goodman.

I feel like this might have been the same night.

But in what order?

Right.

Right.

All right, let's do a closet theater with Tina Fey.

We are a couple that spends 99% of our time

texting other people.

OK.

But for a few seconds a day, we become dramatic, soap opera

style, passionate, complementing each other,

and swept up by each other, and then right back to texting.

It's--

Your eyebrows are like a sand dune.

Your hair is gorgeous.

Oh.

Yep.

Blark.

Look at Shelly's cat.

Oh.

She put panties on it.

I want a divorce!

Should the president be able to doink?

Um, it depends on what doinking is.

Like, boof.

I mean, if he gets really sick and horny.

Which Cosby are you?

Oh.

I like to think that Phylicia Rashad.

And then which one would you be comfortable with watching

you shower?

- Which-- - Which Cosby?

Which Cosby?

Vanessa. - Yeah.

I'd go with that grandpa.

I feel like he'd be like, it's a shower, who cares.

Get in there.

You get in there and scrub it up.

Well, Tina, you didn't come in here

to talk about silly questions and act out

little make-them-ups, did you?

No.

You want to tell me what you came in here for?

- A makeout. - Yeah.

Do you have to do anything with your hair later today?

No, What do you got planned?

Bucket of blood.

It's been a pleasure.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, I'm Jen.

And I'm Dave, her boyfriend.

And I'm Dave her ex-boyfriend.

And this is the commentary track for running into an ex.

Right here, I almost turned and left, but you saw me.

You know, for 15 months I've

been thinking about what I would say

when I finally saw you again.

I lost so much sleep going over and over

this speech in my head, and I finally see you, and--

Cheese on sale.

Cool How have you been?

Terrible I've regretted breaking

up with you almost every day.

My sex life has been awful.

I've had two STD scares, and I blame

myself for my unhappiness.

What have you been doing?

I started going to therapy.

I had to find new places to hang out,

and I took your name out of my phone

because Dave is right by Dad in my contacts.

Cool.

You look great.

I really meant that.

Thanks.

You do too.

I didn't mean that.

You look exhausted.

Are you OK?

Nope.

Yeah, I'm working out a lot.

I've been working out of my house

because my boss told me I was depressing

everyone in the office.

Uh-oh.

this look always means you're about to say

something important.

I was thinking about how much I miss you.

You know, things would be different

if we got back together.

Dave.

Jen--

Hey, dog bones on sale.

Oh.

Oh, this mother .

Dave, this is Tim.

Tim, meet Dave.

Hey, Jim.

You heard his name.

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I was being a dick.

Tim Conroy.

Armonk, New York.

Went to Villanova, works in Ironside Capital.

I Facebooked the shit out of this guy, Jen.

He sucks.

He doesn't suck.

He sucks.

That was the weakest handshake.

There's no way he's getting better.

Look at this rat-faced Tom Cruise.

I wanted to hit this douche.

That's a cool shirt, man.

I love Gatsby.

Yeah, thanks, Tom.

What a dick.

You're being the dick.

So, you got a dog?

Oh, yeah, it's Tim's.

I mean ours now.

I just moved in with him, so.

That's cool.

That's great.

Mother .

Oh, it hurts more than second time.

Oh, my sister can't dog sit.

Oh no.

You going on a trip?

Wow, I wish I didn't ask that.

Me too.

Yeah, we're just going to my parents' house at the Cape.

Hey, people at home, quick background on the Cape house.

That's where me and Jen said I love you for the first time.

Dave.

Yeah, no, that's the yard where

Jen taught me how to whistle.

Dave.

That's the pool house where we had

our first synchronized orgasm.

David, stop it.

Not what you said in the pool house.

I could dog sit.

Idiot.

- Yeah. - No.

That'd be--

No.

I mean, thank you for offering, but I think

we'll take the dog with us.

I can't believe you offered to dog sit.

Well, believe it, because I'm still in love with you.

Here's what I wanted to say at the market.

What's on that paper?

This is a poem I wrote for you.

Dave, don't.

You're bad with poems.

Jennifer Thomas, do you remember the Cape house?

Our bodies entwined like cheese and mouse.

David, stop.

We're over.

In the pool house where we splashed during coitus.

Bumping lovelies, we came together.

It was the moistest.

David, look, we're done.

I loved you, but you broke up with me, and I've moved on.

I'm in love with Tim now.

I'm sorry, but we are not getting back together.

We should get going.

It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, take care.

It was good to see you.

Good seeing you.

Is that the Cape house.

No.

Sorry, I puked again.

Oh!

Jeff, thank you for coming to my dorm

room for this coupling session.

Sure.

I've never snuck into a girls' room after hours.

I know.

I invited you here because I find

your combination of enthusiasm and naivete very appealing.

Thanks.

I've prepared an agenda.

This is very explicit.

I mean specific.

I mean both.

Now, don't feel beholden to the time estimates.

They are merely a guide.

Looks swell.

All in favor of instituting the proposed agenda say aye.

Aye.

All opposed say nay.

Excellent.

The agenda passes.

You have a gavel?

Who doesn't?

Where were we?

Item the first, music.

Hil, if you don't want to be physical, we don't have to be.

This is foreplay for me, OK?

Now, I've prepared a selection of nine pieces

from three genres.

We'll have to go through, sort out--

You can pick.

Oh.

Representative government.

Wow.

Item two, pillows.

Hil--

Do we have a motion from the floor?

Yeah, when does the kissing part happen?

Oh, we can kiss now.

That was sufficient.

Can we move ahead to item four?

Yes, ma'am.

Good.

Just-- can you just--

just sort of-- and down so that I'm able--

OK, OK.

Yep.

You're not turgid.

Motion to introduce an erection.

Could you just give me a minute.

Oh, yes.

Are you erect?

No.

Not yet.

Not.

Now?

No, no.

Maybe this is a good time for me to consult my research

materials until we reconvene.

Motion to table.