Original subtitles

Seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Ellen DeGeneres.

Hi, Ellen. - Hi.

How are you? - Good.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me in your closet.

You just started your ninth season.

I wanted to put it in perspective 'cause I was

so surprised and impressed to realize it was nine years, you

know, that's-- that goes much--

Surprised that it lasted that long.

Super fast-- a little bit just 'cause some of the early ones.

Right.

But listen to what was happening

when your show started.

OK.

"Hey Ya" was a big hit, OutKast.

OutKast.

Agassi won the Australian Open.

Nickelback turned eight.

Johnny Cash died, probably unrelated.

Nickelback turned eight?

Yeah.

What was that song?

Oh, gosh, I mean, where to begin?

Who do you think you are?

Yeah, it's who do you think you are.

That super slow-- - Yeah.

Yeah, that was a good song.

That was great song.

I have a spec script for that sitcom

"Ellen" where your character has to then tell everybody she

isn't gay, that it was a phase--

Right.

And she goes back in the closet.

That would have lasted.

Did it get canceled because she came out?

Is that the basic-- - Yeah.

Yeah.

Her-- I'm blaming it on her because she came out.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You were fine.

I was fine.

She had to come out.

Have you ever interviewed anyone

who you thought was, like, super funny your whole life,

but then you get up close to them

and their eyes are so blue that you can't think

of anything else because they're just

that really blue, blue eyes?

Please say which of these adjectives applies to you--

an activist--

Accidentally.

I like that.

A silent burper.

I don't know the last time

I burped and-- maybe as a baby.

I'm sure I did as a baby, but I don't--

Even then you were kind of like--

I think I was polite, and I'd go pardon me.

That was my first word.

Coked up at all times.

Yep.

I thought so.

I was like she's energetic.

I don't believe it.

All the time I'm coked up.

So a few years ago you put John McCain on the hot seat

and talked about your differences of opinion

on gay marriage.

Yes.

Now you're in the hot seat.

OK.

I'd like you to respond to the YouTube comments

under the clip of you and McCain.

OK.

Gay marriage, who cares?

Why not worry about how Arizona lets illegals grandmas.

That was from West Side S's.

Wow.

They do have a point.

Another one.

The bottom line is these are two great people in modern culture,

a hero Vietnam and a strong, smart woman

with eyes like a quiet ocean.

Mike O'Brien.

Here's-- this is called "Closet

Theater with Ellen DeGeneres."

We're husband and wife and we're hanging out in the closet

'cause our home is being sprayed for bugs.

And we're both psychics professionally,

so we're constantly bringing our jobs home.

They got that one.

Yeah.

They got that guy good.

I-- and yes.

- You will? - Mhm.

Oh, thank you.

Hm.

Oh my gosh, I just saw surfing.

That's gonna be fun.

That doesn't seem like something I would normally do.

That's not me.

No.

No, I saw it, too, and it's not me.

- But it's not you. - How dare you?

I'm so sorry.

And you're surfing with her?

God, that's so fun.

Oh, I knew that was coming, and I didn't block it.

How dare--

Thank you for coming in the closet.

Thank you.

I'd love to give you a kiss in a way that would

be respectful to your wife.

OK. All right.

- OK. - Good.

Keep standing outside the shoulders.

OK.

All right.

The second one got disrespectful actually.

Well--

- And I am sorry about that. - That's OK.

That's all right. - Your eyes are very blue.

Yours are, too.

Yours are very blue. - Thank you.

They're very pretty.

OK. You all right?

Maybe we're related.

That'd be-- then that was just gross then.

Oh, right.

Yes.

I need to always be saying that's gross.

If we're related and then we--

Related, I know, yeah.

You ever feel like you have to just memorize all these rules?

- No. - No, me either.

- No. - It is gross.

OK.

Sure.

Well--

Well, I feel like--

Again?

OK.

That's OK.

No, I think we got--

We covered it.

I just worry that the cameras didn't pick it up.

Really?

For "7 Minutes in Heaven," this Mike O'Brien with Ellen

DeGeneres.

Thank you again.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

What's this space for?

That's for the moon dagger.

It's the rarest collectible in the Future Space cannon.

Why is it so rare?

The silver paint they used to coat it in was 90% lead.

Legend has that the dagger was so

toxic that it ate through its packaging,

destroying the other toys.

It was only on the shelves for less than half an hour.

Wow.

I guess completing my dagger collection

is just a crazy dream.

The hell was that?

Excuse me, is this the front of the line?

Yeah?

Well, I think I'm going to like it up here.

Come along, Oliver.

Who's that guy?

Oh, shit, he speaks fluent Argon.

For those of you who do not understand, my tongue my name

is Karo, and I regret to inform you that I will be moving

up to the front of your line.

How you gonna do that?

With this.

The moon dagger, the rarest of toys.

And it shall go to any man who can best me in a Future Space

trivia challenge contest game.

Please.

It would be stupid not to-- what the !!

Oh, yes.

A challenger.

What are you doing?

I need that moon dagger, dude.

We've been in line for 11 days.

Trust me, no one knows more about Future Space than I do.

Where'd you get that thing?

Oh, this was discovered by the moon people of Helzeburn

in the seventh era.

Come on, guy, straight up.

Where'd you get that puppy?

Come on.

It was discovered by the moon people

of Helzeburn, the seventh era.

Which toy store?

It was discovered about the moon people--

Oh, forget it. Fuck you--

Of Helzeburn. This--

- Forget it. - Seventh era.

Great.

Let's not pretend this is our first trivia challenge.

Name your terms.

Standard.

Right.

As challenger, I pick Argulon facts.

Oh.

WELL, very well then.

An Argulon fact.

Who is the oldest living man in Argulon?

Please.

Please.

Rohash, the Zombie.

Rohash, the Zombie, yes, yes.

Very good.

Yes, very good.

Very good.

Although is a zombie a living man?

I--

Don't.

She's Katie, a lady, a lady named Katie.

Mmm, porn.

Romantic porn.

Feminist porn.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg gets rammed in the-- oh.

No, no, no.

That's not what I meant.

People having sex who like each other.

Porn that's not scary.

Oh, wow.

I want porn that a mom would watch.

Mom porn.

Two girls having sex, but one is a guy.

Here we go.

Sex with lots of kissing.

A teacher bangs student because he read her thesis

and he respects her writing.

OK, help me out. Ugh.

OK.

Doggy style but with eye contact.

"The Notebook," explicit sex stuff.

Guy goes down on girl and looks like he enjoys it.

Respectful gangbang.

Porn where you can actually see the guy's face also.

Just anything without face ...

Oh my God, no.

I said no face .

Porn with women who don't look like they're getting drowned.

Nothing where the girl gets stuff in her eyes.

XXX role play, OK, with girl and her boyfriend.

He is in the army.

He's sent off to war.

She waits by the phone every day.

While fighting for her freedom, he is shot.

He is rushed to the medic.

The doctor says, Sergeant Hammond, that bullet would have

killed you, but it was stopped by the locket

with her face in it.

When he returns home, they embrace.

He says you saved me, and she says no.

You saved me by coming back.

He dips her, they kiss.

That is porn.

Zero search results.

OK, young James Spader.

What's up?

I missed you.

OK, I said young not old.

this.

My mother married a Harvard man.

My grandmother married a Harvard man.

It's senior year, and I am not leaving

this campus without a ring.

Boy, geez, Gladys, that's intense.

Yeah you sound like a real first wife.

Does anyone have a nude lipstick?

This nude is too bold.

Hilary, what are you wearing.

What?

It's attractive without distracting

from my personality.

Hilary, it's a party.

You need to wear something that will

make men interested in you.

Yeah.

My debate club pin.

Not your debate club pin.

My Greek Honor Society pin.

No.

My thespian society medal.

It's a pin.

Definitely no.

My Naval Society anchor pin.

A pin.

Hilary, no pins.

Men should know that on accomplished.

They should know that you're fun.

What is more fun than high levels of academic achievement?

Dancing.

Flirting.

Blowjobs.

Men like smart women.

Men like witty women.

Maybe make a joke.

Joke.

What like-- like Robert McNamara's

handling of the rising cost of our involvement in Vietnam?

Well, the joke is that his irresponsible expenditure

is a joke.

Maybe just try laughing.

Boys like it when they feel like you think they're funny.

OK.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Don't laugh.

Never laugh.

I like to act mysterious.

Oh, I like to walk up to a guy, whisper blowjob,

and then walk away.

Jesus, Annie.

Hillary, my signature move is acting

aloof like I can't even believe I'm deigning to be there.

Huh. OK.

Right. So great.

So maybe what I'll do is I'll just bring my thesis there,

and I'll just be working on it.

And I'll be telling everyone to quiet down.

Shhh quiet--

No.

Let's try non-verbal communication.

Annie, pretend I'm a boy.

Blowjob.

You need to cool it.

Hillary, when you're near a boy--

I'll go in for a firm handshake

that says I'll never let you get away with anything, mister.

She's hurting me.

Oh, OK, we have to go.

Hillary, just do your best.

I always do.

Perfect.

It's really fun.

All right.

Great.

You guys ready to do this thing?

We didn't get scripts or anything.

Yeah, so, like, I don't know if I'm married to one of them

or if they're like--

The way I like to make a porno is

just guys kind of improvise a few lines back and forth

and we get straight to the sex.

That sounds hard.

Gotta make up the lines?

Don't overthink it, you know.

Just kind of have fun with it, just make a few choices,

say a few lines back and forth, and then let's just

get straight to the sex, OK.

Action.

So what do you guys think?

You wanna both do me at once?

I wish I could.

I can't.

I gotta go to a huge business meeting.

Super important.

Thanks for the reminder.

I actually have a business meeting, too.

Mine's in a skyscraper.

Where's your?

Skyscraper.

Can I come with you guys to the business meeting?

Can't, son.

Not old enough yet.

Gotta stay here with your mom.

Whoa, OK.

Yeah, let's cut there.

Nice.

- That was awesome. - Really good.

That was hot, guys.

What the hell was that, guys?

Why are they leaving?

Why are they not staying and having sex?

Well, after the business meeting,

they would come back here and have sex.

I did feel like my guy would get to go to the skyscraper.

I'm sorry.

That's on-- that's on me.

Drop the skyscraper stuff.

Let's not be a family either, OK.

What if I come in on this one?

Yeah, whatever.

As long as you come in, talk words, have sex.

Action.

So we've got a few hours before my husband gets

back from his business meeting.

What kind of--

kind of building is his business meeting in?

In a skyscraper.

Move on.

Let's do it quick before your husband catches us.

Guys, you gotta help me.

I'm a Mexican guy, and 10 racist whites are chasing me.

They're trying to hate-crime me.

I think I got a minute though if you want to do it.

OK, cut.

That was awesome.

I think we need to explore this choice here, show the outside,

show the racist whites out there.

You can't be Mexican.

You're clearly a very white man.

How about we do this?

You just say whatever you would say before you

have sex as yourselves, OK.

Action.

Are you guys super hard right now?

No.

I did another porno this morning, so I'm exhausted.

What about you?

You super hard?

No.

Thinking about my kids.

- You got kids? - Yeah.

What ages?

Oh, man.

Eight and six.

Cut. No.

You know what. Changed my mind.

Let's not be ourselves.

Be a character, something really far away from you.

You're in a fantasy.

You're-- just be something that's not you.

Action.

Welcome to the castle, knight.

Do you want to take off your armor?

Yes, my queen.

First of all, let me ask you.

What floor of this tall castle are we on?

Oh, I don't know.

What floor are we on, lute player?

Time out.

I can't do castle accent.

I can't do that accent.

The castle's not going to work at all because it's

set in the modern day.

You guys have modern costumes on.

You just pull in an iPhone--

Baz Luhrmann bends those rules.

We're going to do this.

You're going to say, like--

I don't know, like, eight words.

Eight words.

And then you're gonna .

Action.

You guys wanna ?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's two more?

- Yeah. - Skyscraper.

Skyscraper. No.

Cut.

Goddammit!

But I'm actually hard right now.

Yeah, that works.

That was awesome.

No.

It was not good at all.

It was horrible.

Why don't you just tell us what you want us to say?

What do you say before you have sex?

It's too private.

I'm not gonna say that. - Why?

What do you say?

I don't know, OK.

I don't know what people say before sex.

Just say one thing you say before you have sex

and we'll use that!

I'm a virgin.

What?

You're a virgin.

You direct porns and you're a virgin?

I'm the virgin porn director, and this is my story.

I think it's still our story.

We asked our customers what they rated highest

for home entertainment, and time and time again, they said

full movie theater quality.

But even with my HDTV and state-of-the-art sound system,

I still feel like I'm missing something.

So that's why we invented

Best Buy's real cinema system.

Our real cinema system recreates all your favorite parts

of going to the movies so you can enjoy the best home theater

quality experience.

Ooh, girl, don't go in there.

Ooh, you gonna die.

No!

Ooh.

Dag.

Our real cinema system comes in a multitude

of customized settings.

Comedy.

- Ahh, he's-- boy, he's dumb. - Shh.

Look at that guy.

Drama.

If you could just stop for one--

- Could you stop him? - I just wanna watch the--

Don't you-- don't you talk to me like that.

I tried to be nice about this.

I am calm!

And dad mode.

Your mother and I had that tester.

It's good.

And for a low flat rate,

you could add the following features--

No, I'm not doing anything.

Phone talker.

Yeah.

Confused person.

Do we know why he shot her?

Loud laughter.

Oh my God!

And bootlegger.

Did you see that!

That was so funny.

- Can you please just-- just-- - Will you--

Can you--

I'm trying to watch a movie.

Wow.

Theatre tested, home approved.

Get the whole system for a low, low price only at Best Buy.

Available Black Friday.

Can we say black?

Quentin, this script is fantastic.

We love "Pulp Fiction."

Oh my gosh, so much fun.

Lots of juicy dialogue and angry bald men.

Really great stuff.

That's very nice to hear.

Just so you're aware, when we received this script,

it was completely out of order.

We were confused for hours.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It starts one story, goes back to another one,

then goes back to the first story.

We were like what the is happening?

This is horrible.

Argh!

We were running all over the office.

How do you put it back together.

It really took a long time.

So just make sure whoever was responsible for that

is now fired. - Right.

Make sure they never work again please.

Thanks.

Oh, actually that was the intention.

No need to apologize.

We're all friends here. Right?

So just relax.

We got it back in the correct order,

you know-- beginning, middle, end, the way

that every good story has been told since the Bible.

One thing we really loved about your script is

the dialogue.

Your writing style is very kooky and wacky.

We get that.

The problem I see is that you're giving the wrong lines

to the wrong characters.

I'm not sure I see what you mean by that.

Your writing style is very kooky and wacky,

and you need to fix that.

In one of the first scenes,

you got these two hitmen, Vincent and Jules.

Not my favorite names but, hey, you're the artist, right, pal?

And they're driving along talking about some pretty cool

stuff, McDonald's hamburgers.

But they're on their way to kill people.

So don't have them talking about hamburgers, right.

Hamburgers are a greasy meal for a child.

Criminals should be talking about criminal stuff

like shooting a stray dog or, like,

ramming their car into a school bus full of children, you know.

That way we know they're bad guys.

OK, well, the point is to show that even though they're

bad guys, they're still just talking about things

the way people talk about things.

We all want hamburgers.

So fine.

Write a movie about hamburgers but don't write a movie

with hamburgers about murder.

I like that.

Have them going to a cookout, then

it would make sense for them to be talking about grilled meat.

All right.

So things move along fairly well, not great

but fine enough until about page--

there it is--

98 where we are introduced to a sex slave

in leather bondage gear who stands guard as two men

two other men.

So why'd you put this in the movie, Quentin?

OK.

Well, it's meant to be jarring.

OK, got that right.

Drug use.

Scary curse words.

Guns, getting shot.

People's heads getting blown off.

Watches being shoved up the asses of US veterans.

Gimp standing guard as two men rape two other men.

Right.

All of these things are going to deter

our audiences from watching your great, great work, Quentin.

That is my work, all right.

You know what.

Let's make a compromise, OK.

Let's just rethink the whole movie.

It might help if we just start from scratch.

Give me the logline here.

Quentin, what is "Pulp Fiction" about.

It's not a traditional plot first of all.

It's interweaving stories that come together out of order--

Shh.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

OK, that won't work.

I mean, what is this a book?

Yeah, I wanna stop watching this book now, please.

Let's make this very simple.

Quentin, what is the genre of "Pulp Fiction"?

Well, that's one of the great things about it.

It's not a single genre.

It's an homage to several genres.

That is the worst answer I've ever

heard to the genre question.

Such a bad answer.

OK, who is "Pulp Fiction" about?

It's not about one person.

There's many characters in it, many--

Wrong.

A movie is about one character.

Pick one.

Marcellus, Butch, Vincent. Who's it about?

Don't be stupid.

Just pick a character and write a movie about them.

They're all made up.

Just spit one of your fictional characters out.

Just pick a character. It doesn't matter which one.

Who cares?

Yeah, can't you just pick a character?

I mean, it's not hard.

How about Honey Bunny?

She's a good character.

Write a movie about her. - Yeah, perfect.

That's perfect.

"Honey Bunny's Funny Sunday."

That is a much better title than "Pulp Fiction."

Yeah, at least we know what's happening.

OK.

Thanks for your time but I don't think you

guys are really on the same page as I

am with what I want this script to be,

so I'm gonna take it elsewhere.

Quentin, you're only hurting yourself.

No one's gonna like all this crap in one movie.

You forgot to even say what was in the briefcase,

you big dope Come on. - Aaah.

What about the ?

Aw, man.

Hey, Allison, how's the production

going on "Turds from Space"?