Original subtitles

My name is Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

Nick Jonas, is your first name short for Nickelodeon.

No, no, it's not.

I'm sorry, Nick Junior.

No, no, it's just-- it's just short for Nicholas Jonas.

Yeah.

I'm face.

No, it's just Nick, just Nick Jonas.

It's all I got.

Do you remember Face though from--

I do.

Yeah.

Maybe a little bit before my time, but--

It's before my time too.

Yeah.

So one of your new songs is titled "Jealous"

and I feel like people must have a lot of sympathy

for someone who's dating a former Miss Universe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I think the great thing about the song

is that anyone in their relationship, anyone,

whatever it is, can relate to feeling jealous

at some point in their life.

So "Chains," you know, "Jealous," I

like that your song titles are one word long.

You know I kind of wish that your songs were one word long.

Yeah, that's-- I mean, wow.

One word long, why?

I mean I just feel like it gets

the point out without like all the boring stuff, you know?

Like the whole song being the boring part.

Yeah.

Interesting.

For example, chains.

And that's it.

That's the whole song.

That's the whole thing.

Or for Jealous, it could just be Jealous.

Yeah, it's really terrible advice.

But the Miss Universe thing it's like bullshit, right?

Because like I mean have you seen "Guardians of the Galaxy"?

How does that connect?

I just feel like there's no way

that your girlfriend is hotter than like those blue and green

ladies.

You know.

Let's be real.

Yeah.

This is specific taste for the whole green and blue thing.

I'm not personally into it.

But maybe it's for you.

I'm fine.

I mean, I'm not trying to get you to like

shit talk your girlfriend.

But like

She's great.

Yeah, she's great.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Miss Youna Don't.

So I see you're releasing a collection

of Thanksgiving songs?

No, no, I--

that's not happening.

But you have an album coming out in November.

Yeah, I mean, a lot happens in November

that's not necessarily--

I just feel like it's a missed opportunity.

You know, like, you could really clean

up on some Thanksgiving jams.

Give me an example.

OK, I'll give you songwriting credit if it's good.

Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Turkey.

Do, do, do, do.

Cranberry sauce.

Do, do, do, do, do.

Pass the bread and the stuffing.

And all the turkey in the world is for you.

And you and you and everybody has some turkey now.

This is so bad.

So you've dated a lot of famous ladies in your day.

Have you ever thought of dating like a famous media coach?

And like if you dated her, like how gently would you date her?

And by date, like I'm using that as a euphemism for something

more adult.

For sex, that's what you're saying.

Well I mean, how gently would I--

You're not wearing a promise ring anymore so it's

like you broke your promise.

No, I've never, I've never thought about dating

a media coach ever.

What?

Dating a media coach.

You should have some of this wine.

It's really good.

Where did that come from?

How did you-- that was so fast.

It's a pinot, so.

This is getting really uncomfortable now.

Because I'm sensing where this is going.

I used to wear a promise ring too, you know.

Did you?

Promise to .

Promise to .

That's one way to put it.

A promise to ring.

That's really good.

How's that wine?

It's so good.

You are drunk now, aren't you?

It's really good.

I mean it's-- might be ginger ale.

But it's very good.

This is awkward.

Man, this place is incredible.

You must be rich.

Thanks, I just got a really good deal.

Did you hear that?

No.

What is that?

I didn't hear anything.

OK.

Yeah, that one I heard.

Uh, what's going on?

Look, my house is haunted.

It's like haunted-ish.

What?

It used to be the home of a doctor

and his wife in the '20s.

He used to perform unnecessary surgeries on his patients

in the basement.

But did you see the backyard, there's a stone patio.

Uh, maybe we shouldn't, uh--

I don't think it's--

look, there's like ghosts and screaming.

Yeah, and like an awesome kitchen nook.

I mean, speaking of nooks and crannies,

my bra just came off under my dress.

I think something touched my foot.

Do you have a cat or--

what was that?

Ugh, the doctor's wife went insane and killed him

and herself because he experimented

on their newborn baby.

Speaking of which, I am down to experiment.

How could you live like this?

Have you seen the size of this place?

For what I'm paying, I would gladly live with like 100

ghosts and a haunted doll.

Speaking of which, don't touch that doll.

But you can touch me any way you want, hmm.

Oh, sweet mother of God!

That's my ex, Carl.

He's possessed.

But don't worry, he can't come in.

I put salt all around the house.

What-- what?

Is that a thing?

Don't worry, there's no salt around here,

so you can come in and out and in and out.

OK, well, that is one heck of a line, but I need to go.

Oh!

Why don't you stop worrying about

the monster under the bed and start worrying

about the monster in here?

All right, I get it.

Let's go downstairs and call you a cab.

You can leave.

Would you just give this to me?

No, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Look, I really like you.

You're super hot.

I want to do this.

Uh, just give me a second, OK?

Now-- now where were we?

Someone was about to get slimed.

Cool.

I'm part of Schaeffer's Good Vibes Island Beat Orchestra.

It's actually the best steel band music school

in the country, so--

Steel band?

Yeah, you know, like Calypso music?

It's the stuff that's played by hotel pools

at resorts in the Caribbean.

I've never left the country.

The key is to relax.

Don't worry about the numbers.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking.

Don't worry.

Be happy.

What's this?

5 and 6 and--

Not quite irie, you're rushing.

5 and 6 and--

You're dragging, man.

Wait for my cue!

Mm.

5 and 6 and--

You're rushing or you're dragging?

- Rushing? - No.

Dragging?

I'm going to ask you one more time, you're rushing

or you're dragging?

I don't know!

There's no such thing as rushing

and dragging in Calypso.

Take it easy, man.

Take five-- or six hours to chill.

I push people beyond what's expected

of them because expectations of a Calypso band are pretty low.

Chill, man, chill!

Can you feel the rhythm?

Can you feel the way you're not playing

like you're feeling the rhythm?

I'm going to be one of the greats.

And that's going to be taking up a lot more of my time.

And that's why I don't think we can be together.

That is totally fine.

I hate the sound of steel drums.

Seriously, all your songs sound like dinky little twinkles,

like ding, ding, ding, ding.

Goddammit.

Thank you.

The past, the present, the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm celebrity psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with Olia Showkat.

Alia Shawkat.

Alia-- OK.

And we're going to find out what the cards

have to say about her future.

Um, do you have any questions about the process

before we start?

Yes, um, just is it confidential?

Is this private?

Right, um, well, there's cameras, so no.

Right.

Generally, no, when there's cameras.

OK.

First card, eight of cups.

Eight of cups.

Yeah, see, this is someone who's full of regret.

Yeah, that's-- that's me.

So this could mean that you maybe

were involved in something bad.

Right.

And now you have to, I guess--

Flee the country.

Yeah.

So I, um, I brought something.

I brought this.

Oh.

And, um--

Actually, uh--

Yeah, I thought maybe you could touch it

and like get a read from it.

You know, I'm actually not certified in token reading,

so I don't think I can--

Pick it up.

See what happens.

Touch it.

Um--

Feels good, right?

Yeah, my reading of that is that it is awesome.

Are we-- we're done with that part now, I think.

We have more cards, though, no?

Did you just want me to know that you have that?

I just thought it was cool.

I just wanted-- I mean, I wanted to see what you saw.

It's great.

If you could, um, put it away from both of us,

that would be really crucial.

Somewhere else, OK.

Yeah.

I, um, have to go to the bathroom.

Let's finish the cards first.

That's fair.

Yeah.

I will hold it.

Two of pentacles.

So the two of pentacles, he represents like fun and gaiety

and just like trust everyone in this room and just

like no one's going to like blab or snitch or anything.

And you could just actually tell your secrets, too.

Yeah.

I'm not going to do that.

That sounds made up.

Why-- why would I make that up?

Like, just so you won't kill me?

Like, I'm not even worried about that.

I just want to live.

The final outcome.

Justice.

Shit.

Is there any way for me to interpret

that as me not going to jail?

I mean, if I go out, like, I'm taking everybody with me.

I'm not going to do this alone, you know?

It's not my fault.

You know-- did I say final outcome?

Yeah, that's it.

I am such a spaz.

I did not mean final outcome.

I meant the one right before the final outcome,

that is the alternate universe thing

that's not going to happen.

Um, and, uh, you're going to be really,

I think, happy with the actual--

Are you just going to pick one?

No, the-- the spirit is guiding me right now.

Oh, that's a good one.

The actual final outcome.

The sun.

Look at that happy little innocent baby.

Oh, man.

Just riding away totally free.

That was close.

Yeah.

So that-- that's our reading.

You can go head on out and--

Is it OK if I stay just--

I'm just going to stay a little bit-- a little longer.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Um, so did you like kill a dude?

Don't with me.

Welcome to "Above Average" music video.

Where, where, where is my goat?

I can't find him.

Everywhere I am reminded.

I'd do anything to find him.

What if my goat is drunk at a bar?

What if my goat was taken to Mars?

What if my goat smuggled illegals?

What if my goat was attacked by eagles?

What if my goat stopped for a snack?

What if my goat never comes back?

What if my goat ran away to the circus?

What if my goat just left me on purpose?

Where, where, where is my goat?

I can't find him.

Everywhere I am reminded.

I'd do anything to find him.

I want him baa-- aa--

ck.

Baa-- aa-- --ck.

Baa-- aa-- --ck.

Oh, where, oh, where could he be?

What if my goat was eaten by a whale?

What if my goat was taken to jail?

What if my goat went hang gliding?

What if my goat went into hiding?

Goatees remind me of my goat.

Big teeth remind me of my goat.

Goats remind me of my goat, remind me of my goat,

remind me of my goat.

When I see an old lady, I'm reminded of my goat.

The witty old lady clears her little granny throat.

The way old ladies walk and the way old

ladies talk remind me of my goat.

Yeah, remind me of my goat.

The smell of goat cheese makes me cry.

I pray and I pray my little goat didn't die.

It's not that I'm crazy, I've just got the blues.

You'd be so sad if you lost your goat, too.

Where, where, where is my goat?

I can't find him.

Everywhere I am reminded.

I'd do anything to find him.

I want him baa-- aa--

ck.

Baa-- aa-- --ck.

Baa-- aa-- --ck.

Oh, where, oh, where could he be?

I'll cross through the desert and over the sea.

Anything to have my goat next to me.

I'd take a boat, I'd take a plane, anything

to see my goat once again.

Where, where, where is my goat?

I can't find him.

I just want to see you again, Everywhere I am reminded.

I'd do anything-- I love you, man--to find him.

You're my best friend.

Where, where, where is my goat?

I can't find him.

Everywhere I am reminded.

I'd do anything to find him.

I want him baa--

Where?

I want to see my goat once again, my goat once again.

Where?

Where?

I want to see my goat once again, my goat once again.

I want him baa--

I want to see my goat once again, my goat once again.

To see my goat once again, my goat once again.

My goat once again.

Anything.

I want to see my goat once again, to see my goat

once again, my goat once again.

To see my goat once again--

my goat once again.

Hey, Duffy?

- Yeah? - Wake up.

What day is it?

Uh, it's day five.

No, in the real world.

Uh, Sunday.

Sunday, Sunday.

Would you mind waking up my ex-husband so he could

spend the day with his son?

Sunday.

Sunday's with Jake.

Jake.

Jake!

I did not take Jake out of Sports Camp

so he could spend all day in line.

It just so happens that I have one of the most exciting, one

of the most educational days planned for Jake

that he'll ever spend.

You'd better because we're going to be exercising

for the next four hours.

We're in training for a triathlon.

Well, I should hope so with the amount

of stretching that he's doing.

You should always stretch, buddy.

Stretching, is key.

I'm good.

Your funeral.

And-- go!

Hey, buddy.

We are going to have some fun.

Hey, guys, seriously, no exception to the 5-minute rule.

What!

Absolutely not!

OK, here we go, here go, ready?

Big shot, big shot, big shot, big shot!

Let's go, let's go.

Forget about it.

5, 4, 3, 2,

Fun, right?

Woo-hoo!

OK, let's go. Here we go.

Oh, no.

OK, run that way.

Quick step.

Go.

4, 3, 2--

I had a really fun day today.

Yeah, me too, dad.

I'm glad.

Dad!

30 seconds!

12, 11, [SLOWED DOWN] 10, 9, 8--

Come on!

Why didn't I stretch?

Dad, no, we can do this!

- Nah, save yourself. - Dad!

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

7, 6--

For the love of God, hurry!

4--

That was awesome!

Thanks.

Stop.

Not too shabby.

Don't forget your picture.

Nice.

That's my boy right there.

You see that, triplets?

We are never losing our space in line

because this is our destiny!

Destiny!

Hi, I'm Charles.

What?

I'll be your hangover today.

Who is that?

That's Greg.

You met him at Wendy's last night.

Wendy's?

No!

Those are underwear.

Welcome to Wendy's.

Hi.

Um, can I please have a chicken sandwich,

a red onion, and 100-gram bar?

Sorry, ma'am, we don't serve any of those things.

Are you as hot as you sound through the speaker?

No.

That's OK.

Ugly guys work harder.

We can still party like the night never ended.

The light has come, but the night never ended.

Still past late like life is pretend.

And we can--

It's not even in!

Wherever it is, it feels great.

You're going to find it awfully difficult

to stay hydrated today.

Well, it's still a toilet bowl.

Keep going.

You'll find it, champ.

Seriously, guy, you got to go.

I just did.

I mean, you have to leave.

Without breakfast?

There you go.

Beautiful morning, huh?

What?

Oh, god.

Is there orange juice in this?

Shut up, Greg.

It's Kreg.

Please, don't Ralph.

Upchuck makes me upchuck.

Well, I'm fine.

OK.

Sh-- sh-- just shut it.

So I was thinking maybe we could go for-- for a hike?

Shut it.

And then we could go to--

Oh, god!

Oh, god!

No!

Oh, god.

I'll hold your hair.

Ow.

Is that a condom?

It's part of one.

Where's the rest of it?

Maybe inside you?

Oh, god!

[breaths heavily] Ugh.

Do you want to meet my mom?

Oh, you got to be kidding me?

Like, seriously?

Yeah, we should wait a little bit.