Original subtitles

Jane Lynch.

Hi.

Oh, my god.

Don't stop believing.

- Oh, yeah from "Glee." - Yeah, from the--

I'm Rob King. I'm your biggest fan.

I've seen all your stuff. - Really?

- Yeah. - OK.

Well, I'm Jane. - It's great to meet.

While you're here, just real quick,

can I ask you a question?

Absolutely.

Or a couple.

"Hollywood Game Night?"

Right, yeah, I host that.

Yeah.

The teams, they're celebrities and then a civilian.

- That's right, yeah, yeah. - It's really fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a dream come true for some people, I bet.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I think so.

I think they're always very happy.

And they're not, like, starstruck.

Some people get so star struck.

Yeah, to the point where they sound like an idiot.

Blah, that's the worst.

And they try to look calm and natural by putting their elbow

up on something and-- - Right.

Yeah.

Well, that's why we have bookers who, you know,

choose these people by giving them these psychological tests.

Sure.

Those can be harder than people think.

Yeah, uh-huh.

You just got to figure out how to game the system, right?

So--

You're very nervous, aren't you?

No, this is always how I stalk.

- How you stalk? - Yeah.

You just said this is how I always stalk.

It's-- sometimes when I get nervous, I--

And that makes me a little nervous

when you say the word stalk. - Sure.

I don't want you get nervous. You're very safe here.

It's a safe place.

What's Hollywood like?

Like, the city itself, right, you mean?

Or do you mean, Hollywood, like, the culture?

The culture.

Oh, the culture.

You know, It's something that doesn't really exist.

It's kind of just written about in magazines.

Like, self-esteem-- like, it doesn't exist.

Yeah, I think that might be one--

oh, I see.

Self-esteem doesn't exist for you.

And I can see that.

Yeah, thank you.

Sure.

Are you still in touch with any of the dogs

from "Best in Show?"

No, they're all dead at this point.

Good god.

I'm sure.

It was over 10 years ago, so.

Your book is called "Happy Accidents?"

It is.

Could us meeting randomly and then becoming best friends

be considered a happy accident?

I don't know if it would be an accident.

Could be happy?

No.

OK.

OK.

Thanks for your honesty.

Hey, if you don't have your honesty, what do you have.

Sadness.

A lot of the characters you play are very tough.

Yeah.

How can I be tough?

I think the fact that you have been standing here asking me

ridiculous questions and I'm staring at you like this

and you haven't walked away yet means you're a pretty tough guy

or completely deluded.

I haven't decided which.

No, I have decided which.

I think you're--

I'll never leave you.

- Yeah, I have that sense. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

OK.

How come you never respond to any of my letters

that I write to you each month?

Oh, you know what?

They go in a little stack.

OK.

And I send them to the sheriff's office

at the end of the month.

I just really wanted us to be friends.

It's not gonna happen.

But I want to thank you very much for this very short period

of time that is now over.

Yeah.

I'm sure you'll treasure this memory

for the rest of your life. - Yeah.

As soon as I walk away I'm going

to completely forget about it.

You don't want to do, like, a hug or something real quick?

- No, no. - Yeah.

No, I want make sure that

there's a clear exit for me.

Sure.

And I'm gonna ask that you stay right there.

And I'm gonna go this way, and you're gonna stand

here for about 30 seconds.

And then you're gonna walk that way.

30 seconds.

All right, Rob.

30 seconds, Rob.

Yeah, I know.

Got it.

I love you, Jane.

Grump is asleep.

"I'mma wake up, Grump.

Shh.

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.

Oh! Ugh!

Ugh!

Are you for serious?

Not cool!

Go ahead, Mozart.

Play something for Papa.

Oh!

It's great!

wow!

Hey, YouTube.

It's Cleopatty 87 here just chilling with my cat.

His name's Mr. Chubby.

Mr. Chubby?

Oh, my god, he's so funny.

I love him so much.

I, like, worship him.

He's gonna like be buried with me when I die.

Hello.

It is me Christopher Columbus.

I have circumnavigated the globe in "a-search"

of "a-precious" spices.

And now I'm going to try and swallow a big "a-spoonful"

of it.

Let me just to get to my big spoon.

This is a rare spice called cinnamon.

No, no, no, no!

Hello, Gloria here with another episode of "Housewife

How To."

Today I'm going to teach you how to drive a car.

So the first thing you're gonna want to do

is wait for your husband to get home from work

and ask him if it's OK with him.

I'm just gonna stand here quietly and wait.

I am Genghis Khan!

And this is my ukulele cover of "It's a Wonderful World."

Oh, oh-ho-oh, oh, yeah.

Met a girl, you know.

Hey, you guys.

And welcome to "Oh My Word!" avec moi, Marie Antoinette.

Um, what's up with my husband King Louis, am I right?

Le gross.

Ew, he looks like a hard boiled egg with a wig.

Why do horses look at you like, don't ride me?

Sorry, horses, that's your job.

ACTOR AS CHARLES Hi, subscribers.

It's Darwin with another theory video.

This one's called "Evolution."

What the Government doesn't want you to know

is everybody evolved from apes.

That's right, apes.

As we can see by these two photos, they're very similar.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

People have been leaving negative comments

on my poetry videos.

BigRavenXX just said, nevermore.

Be careful what you post, trolls, because I

just might quoth you on that.

Today I'm going to unbox the new phonograph from Edison.

So we've got this cone thing.

Let's get this bad boy up and humming.

Wow.

Sounds great.

There's a tiny band in there playing a sweet song for me.

How dare you people say the Ringo is the worst Beatle?

Leave Ringo alone!

Hey, Jude, hey, shut up!

He's the best!

Leave him alone!

It's pretty early.

So we might be waiting for a while.

We're out of food.

Go get some more.

It's too hot.

Hey, listen up.

You people need to start washing your bodies!

Otherwise I will call the police!

Hey, man, you don't need to talk in a bullhorn.

We're right here.

Do you work here?

No, no you don't.

You don't work anywhere.

You know how I know that?

Because you can take 11 days to sit in line for a movie.

You people are worse than homeless

because this is a choice.

I'm going line crazy.

I need something.

I need something in my body.

What do you want me to get?

I'll get you something. - Please.

- I'll get you some water. - Please.

I'll be right back. OK.

Please.

Oh, god.

Food.

Sweet goodness, no.

These are the property of the movie theater.

Oh, no! Oh!

No!

Ah!

Ow!

That's my own cart!

Why?

Why?

- Went and got you some waters. - Oh.

Thanks, man. - Hey, man!

Look at this! - I know, right?

- Nice score, man! - I know!

Thank you. I know.

Wait a minute. How'd you-- How'd you do it?

Don't worry about it.

Did it just get quiet?

It's him.

Who?

They call him The Spoiler.

He works his way into test screenings,

bribes crew members, anything to get secret information.

Then he comes to lines like these

and destroys people's lives.

What's up, fellas?

Hear you guys like movies.

I like movies too.

I like them a whole lot.

OK, man, just be cool!

Oh, I'm being cool.

I'm walking down a public street,

occasionally mentioning pieces of information

that I happen to know.

Gygax makes a cameo.

No!

"Psht."

That's just a taste--

just a taste!

Because you'll never guess what I got here.

Oh, yeah.

Booyah.

It's a DVD screener of the film.

Have I watch it yet?

No.

But I'm going to.

And when I do, I'm gonna come back

and have a nice little talk with all of my new friends.

Hey, pick that up!

Oh.

Sorry.

My bad.

So, see you later, fools.

Hey, who did this?

Animals.

Animals.

Paulilu Mixtape.

Sketch comedy.

I read your script.

Loved it. Love the title.

Really?

We were-- were kind of joking

when we named it "Ghost Tits."

Well, it's a very funny movie.

So--

It's a psychological thriller.

And a comedy. Why can't it be both?

It can.

Make it both, guys.

Much more marketable.

Ha-ha!

OK.

Well, what did you think of Theodore?

Boring dialogue.

His dialogue is boring, no offense.

He's mute.

That is my point, boring, OK?

Listen, I know I'm not alone in this because I've

heard it in the building.

Characters should talk.

All characters should talk.

That changes the whole third act.

Then give it a fourth act.

You know what I mean?

Give it an introduction.

Give it a prologue.

Give it an epilogue.

Give it an epilogue and make it pop.

Why--

Guys, I suggest you make those changes

and check back in a couple of weeks

because I've got to take a call real bad.

This was a two-minute meeting.

Don't be discouraged, OK?

I believe in you.

Keep your dress shoes on hand because the WGA Awards

could happen any time, OK?

It's your year.

Oh, god.

I can't read!

I can't read!

Yes!

I can't read.

Oh.

Hey Heidi?

Would you get in here, please?

You know, nobody else uses a bell.

Yeah, I just got a text, but I got to get my elliptical in.

So could you read that for me?

Thanks.

OK.

It's from Diablo Cody.

She says, have you read my script?

I need notes ASAP.

You're the only one I trust.

All right.

Thank you, Heidi. That'll be all.

All right?

Oh.

And, you know, I'll have number 12.

The lobster fried rice?

Aren't you allergic to shellfish?

Yes, I am.

I'm building up my tolerance.

OK?

Thank you, Heidi.

You're the best assistant in the biz.

You're the Meryl Streep of assistants.

Oh, I can't read!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

All right.

Oh, hey, knock, knock.

Got some packages for Gerber.

That's me. OK.

You just want to sign right next to your name.

No problem.

Yeah, just right to the--

- OK. - Thanks so much.

All right.

All right.

Thank you.

Perfect. - Yeah, I guess that--

I guess that works. - OK.

Great.

Gonna read these scripts right now with my eyes and my brain.

OK?

Gonna read 'em front to back, right to left.

You're explaining how reading works?

That's right. Thank you, my new brother.

You stay cool.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

All right. I can't--

I can't read!

Who cares?

Oh, my god.

What-- what are you doing?

Just some emails--

quickly doing some emails.

And I'm done.

Archive.

Could you get me water?

Water.

Yes, of course, whatever you want.

As you wish, m'lady.

Shit!

Hey.

You changed.

Bummer.

Here's your water.

Thank you.

You're so hot.

You're so hot.

Thank you.

I've never slept with a girl as hot as you.

How does it even happen?

It's crazy.

OK.

I'm gonna go, I think, so.

OK, well, yeah, sure, sure.

Well, let's-- we should hang out again.

Did I get your number?

No.

And I think we should keep it that way.

So see ya.

No problem.

Hey, just quick question.

What's funny is that I actually can't

remember last night because I was so

drunk, having such a good time.

How did we end up here?

We took a cab.

Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool.

No, but I meant, like, before that.

Just sort of, like, what were some

of the steps that happened?

We met at a cocktail bar on 19th.

And you bought me a drink.

Oh, cool.

No, no, I remember that.

I remember that.

What kind of cocktail?

A martini. Wait a second.

Are you taking notes? - No!

No!

More emails.

I'm a workaholic and an alcoholic.

Ooh, how many olives?

What?

In the martini, how many olives?

- A twist. - Interesting.

That's neat.

And vodka, gin, sort of like a chocolatini thing?

Vodka, but I don't see how that has to with--

It doesn't matter. Just then what happened?

Tell me.

Then you talked about work forever.

Cool.

So it is safe to assume that you, as a hot girl,

like to hear about a guy's job.

Are you just trying to figure out the events of the night

so that you can recreate them and sleep with other hot girls

in the future?

No, are you kidding me?

No, no, no, that's not about them.

It's about us.

It's about you and me.

It's romance!

What are you-- don't.

Sorry.

So recap, martini, twist, vodka, talk about job

equals hot girl here, my place, fo' sex.

Yeah, pretty much.

Cool.

Very cool.

You may go.

Cool!

But that's not all that happened actually.

Uh-huh?

Well, then you paid me $1,000 to sleep with you.

And then when you couldn't get it up, you paid me another $500

to stay until the morning and hold you.

Hmm.

you're funny.

See, I'm a prostitute.

Yeah.

That's how a guy like you takes home a girl like me.

All right?

Oh, and that job that you wouldn't shut up about, I mean,

really, it sounds like hell.

And that's coming from me.

So are you gonna put that in your phone?

Prostitute.

Cool.

Buh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh, "7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah!

Hi.

This "7 Minutes in Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Paul Rudd.

Thanks, Paul. - Thanks!

Welcome.

Thank you.

This is a two-part question.

Talk about the journey of the American Polish Jew, and also,

what's your favorite dessert?

Oof.

Different periods of Polish, Eastern European immigration

to this country by the Jews.

Right.

There was, you know, the kind of at the beginning

of World War II.

There was some a little bit earlier back

when, god, I almost want to say cherries

jubilee was first invented.

Uh-huh, around then.

Yeah.

Tell me if this is too private.

But do you laser your butthole hair?

That's not too private.

OK.

And no.

Yeah, me either.

I've never done it.

- I just-- - I just use--

feel the need--

I use-- I like to use an old-fashioned straight razor.

Yeah, me too.

I don't even use water.

Wow.

That's hard core.

Well, it's just-- it's the way my--

it's the way my papa taught me.

Yeah.

Please tell me which of the following adjectives

applies to you, yes or no.

Yes.

A safe driver?

Yeah.

Afraid of donkeys?

Yeah.

Like, or at least nervous?

No, yeah, I don't feel comfortable with a donkey.

Yeah, me either.

Sometimes feeling like you're putting

too much weight on your nervousness around donkeys?

Like, I play into it a little bit?

Right.

I've probably been known to once or twice.

Yeah.

Do you have any naughty, naughty pets?

I do.

But I have no way to carry them around.

Yeah, no this is how you can carry them around.

OK.

This closet theater is I suspect my closet is haunted.

And so this is my paranormal activity hidden camera

while I'm-- and I sleep standing up in my closet,

for some reason.

Woo.

Oh.

you-- hello?

Well, thanks for coming in.

I really enjoyed-- - Oh, yeah, thanks.

talking to you.

And I've always been a big fan.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

It's OK.

Now just kind of have at it?

I guess.

I mean, that's the deal, right?

That's part of the--

It doesn't take long.

You gotta fuzzy.

All right.

That's-- actually, that made me even

more uncomfortable than this.

This will just take, like, a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bright green eyes.

Hmm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Sorry about the noise.

I--

No, no, no.

You got a lot of the top lip.

Yeah.

Feel like I was ignoring old "bottomy."

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!