Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey, man, you want a coffee?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, coffee.

5:00, 4:59, 4:58.

5:00, 4:59, 4:58.

5:00.

5:00.

5:00, 4:59.

All right, what's going on here, guys?

Oh!

Five minute rule.

If you leave the line for more than five minutes,

you will lose your place. - Position.

Place.

You suck.

That's ridiculous, guys.

You guys don't make the rules.

Actually, those are the accepted line rules.

When was the last time you were in a line?

1996.

Things are a little more hardcore these days.

Yeah.

Fine.

5:00, 4:59, 4:58, 4:57, 4:56, 4:55, 4:54.

Five minute rule?

These guys are serious.

Did you hear them whispering last night?

Mm-mm.

They referred to us as the humans.

What?

Maybe we're too old for this.

Hey, this is going to be great.

We're not too old.

That's easy for you to say, OK?

I have a job and a child.

I used three years vacation for this.

You have no job.

You have nowhere to be, and your girlfriend

actually supports this.

- Erin. - Hey.

How's it going?

Great.

Who's this?

Sup.

We need to talk.

Oh, OK.

Not here.

OK.

Hey, you know, I've got a stepbrother.

How come I never met him?

He's dead

I'm sorry, man.

No, that's OK.

He was a dick.

Oh, well, that's good then, right?

Dude, he's still my stepbrother.

OK.

Erin, I feel like this is coming out of nowhere.

I haven't slept at the apartment in two weeks.

You said you were staying with a college friend.

Guilty.

Does he have to be here for all this?

Josh, this is hard for me, OK?

I mean, we were together a long time.

Just give me one--

I don't know--

Real quick.

7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2.

How's it going over there?

Not good.

You guys are dicks.

5:00, 4:59, 4:58.

OK.

So where were we?

Here's your sack of junk.

OK, it's not junk.

It's memorabilia.

What do you want me to do about the rest of my stuff?

It's already here.

Enjoy your chair, nerds.

Hey, this stuff is amazing.

How much is this worth?

I had it appraised, almost $80.

It's an incredible collection.

Man.

Sir.

So I guess you're homeless.

I am.

I am a homeless person, but first on line though.

- Not too bad. - Not too bad.

Nine more days.

Nine more days.

Nine more days.

We got Vinny.

You with us.

Let's go, bro.

What's up, guys?

This is my bro Tyler.

He's going to play. He's good.

Who wants him?

I'm OK.

Yeah, we'll take him.

All right, you're over there.

You guys want to be skins?

Actually, I don't feel very comfortable

taking my shirt off. So--

What?

Fine, we're skins.

You guys be shorts.

Shorts?

All right, uh, 21, win by 2.

Cool.

You guys take it out.

2!

Woo!

Pass, pass, pass, pass.

Foul!

It was on ball.

Ah!

Time.

Woo.

All right, let's get back out there.

It's game point.

D up.

Woo!

Yes!

Yes!

Did it!

Woo!

Put some clothes on, Tyler.

That is disgusting.

I'm sorry, guys.

Jeez.

Are you serious right now?

I can see your penis.

Remember on the Washington DC trip when we saw Jenna

P give greasy Greg a hand job.

So nasty.

Oh, my God.

It was like, we're literally sitting three

feet away from you on the bus.

Like, we know what's going on under that blanket.

I know, and then, oh, my gosh, did you see he, like, bragged

about it all over Facebook?

Ew.

It was everywhere. Yeah.

- He posted it on Facebook? - Yeah.

- What a-- - Oh.

What!

Hey.

Hey, Blake.

Hey, Kenzie.

I heard you guys say Facebook.

You talking about how that Facebook stock is going?

What?

What are you even talking about?

Well, you know they valued the company at like $104 billion

on the stock--

No.

Kenan Thompson, did you sit down at our table without asking us?

- Rude. - I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

May I sit down?

You're already sitting.

Why does it even matter if Facebook's doing bad?

Mark Zuckerberg already has like 1,000 skrill anyway.

Well, yeah, but his company could lose like--

Yeah, but then he always winds

up dressing like he just got home from the gym or something.

Yeah, it's like, dude, can you dress not homeless.

It's like every day is laundry day at the Zuckerbergs.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mark Zuckerberg, he's such a slob, right?

I mean, like, he's like a real slobbo.

Yeah.

Anyway, I mean, you don't have to dress up,

but you could at least have some sense of style.

Like you, Kenan.

Oh, you think I have style.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

It's so green.

Oh, my God.

I bet Facebook's doing bad because of the timeline.

I hate the timeline.

I know.

It's so confusing.

Yeah, I hate the timeline.

Right?

I hate the time--

I really hate the timeline.

I want to kill the timeline.

Kill the--

OK, you need to chill.

Whatever.

Facebook's not going anywhere.

It's been around forever.

Well, I remember when there was no Facebook.

- Shut up. - No.

Wait.

Then how do people post on your wall?

There wasn't a wall.

How did you stalk people?

The old-fashioned way, hiding in the bushes

outside of their houses.

How did you find fugly pictures of people you hate?

Like Shayna.

One time, we found a picture of her

where she was literally, like--

like, it literally looked like someone

had just splooged on her face.

We call it the splooge face.

Oh, her hair looks like it has mayonnaise in it.

I know. It's so gross.

Come on, guys. I mean, I don't know.

Shayna has always been really nice to me.

I think she has a rough home life.

Oh, my God.

Are you best friends with her?

Ew.

No, but I've talked to her.

You, like, love her, don't you?

Oh, you totally want her to give you a beej.

You mean like a--

a blowjob?

No, I don't want that.

Kenan Thompson, you were so nasty.

Kenan Thompson, you were such a perv.

You know what?

My dog is waiting to be walked, and he needs

to be fed, and my cat too.

So I'm going to go.

Thank you.

He's actually-- he's pretty nice.

- Totally. - Right?

And he likes animals.

I love animals.

Hi, I'm Glen.

I just started working here at Above Average,

and I have some questions for Patty, our head of HR,

as to what I can and can't do in the office.

Thanks for meeting with me, Patty.

I know you have a lot of things to do today.

Can I use your phone to call people and tell

them that they're fired?

No.

That was such a fast no.

When I shake hands with people, can I do the shocker instead?

Can you--

So like, nice to meet you.

What is that?

It's the shocker.

But like, is it like a handshake?

No.

My nickname for Matt is pinata.

Is that OK?

You can't call him that at work.

Really?

Yeah.

So I'm going to ask you a series of questions,

and then you tell me when I've crossed the line, OK?

OK.

My friend is visiting the office.

Cool.

Can we hug?

Yes.

Can we hold hands?

Can we bang each other in the kitchen?

What if he's a very sexy guy?

But here's the thing, Patty, he's so good looking.

I could show you right now a naked photo of him.

It's the desktop on my computer.

Change your desktop.

- My desktop photo? - The screen.

Yeah, you've got to change that.

I can't make that whatever I want?

No.

Oh, no.

Would I be able to make this the background of my computer?

If you could put some jammies on his bottom, sure.

But this-- this is like art though.

I'm pretty sure the Mona Lisa is wearing

less clothes than this guy.

Mona Lisa's wearing clothes.

This guy's like my bona Lisa.

I thought it would be fun to have like a shirts

and skins day at the office.

Like in sports how they do shirts and skins.

Would we play something?

No.

Like a-- like soccer?

The main part I'm concerned about

is some people have shirts and some people have skins.

I mean, as long as the guys are cool with taking

their shirts off.

It could be anyone, not just the guys.

No, it would just be the guys.

Well, that seems pretty gendered and sexist,

and that's not cool on HR's part.

I think, also, I feel like if we do shirts and skins,

I should be able to have my shirt off.

I think there's a law.

There's no law.

All right, fine.

That's a no.

Sadly.

HR should stand for, huh, really.

There's not a lot of fun in this office.

Are you familiar with the term dumpster?

I've heard of it.

That was all I wanted to know.

Can I record a custom outgoing voicemail for myself?

Of course.

So I had this idea.

It would be, hey, you've reached Glen.

I'm not here, but keep your balls high and tight, beep.

No.

Hey, you've reached Glen.

I'm not here, but keep your dangles high and tight, beep.

Keep them high and tight, your balls I mean, beep.

Hey, you've reached Glen.

I'm not here right now, but keep your balls low and swingy.

Can you do a message without mention of the balls?

Sure.

Hey, you've reached Glen.

I'm not here right now, but keep your tits high and tight.

Just, like, keep body parts out of it.

Now that we're on this roll, yes.

What do you think about this one?

Can I put this--

Oh, my God.

I found this on Shutterstock, Patty.

All right, Patty, that's all the questions I have for you.

Thank you so much.

Any time.

It's fun, right?

Ba-da, da-da, da, seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is 7 Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

My guest today is Kristen Wiig.

- Ooh. - Hi, Kristen.

- Hi. - Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me.

Bridesmaids.

Mm-hmm.

Um, so you're on "Saturday Night Live",

and you're a Republican cast member, the first one

since Victoria Jackson.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

That's not true.

That's not true.

You got injured on Joe Schmo.

Joe Schmo-- - That's true.

is a reality show.

How'd you get injured?

I was in a sumo wrestling suit.

Uh-huh.

And then I got knocked down, and my head

hit the ground really hard. - Oh, my God.

You went to the hospital?

But I was trying to stay in character.

So when I got hit, I said, oh, my stars.

This is called closet theater.

Mm-hmm.

We're going to--

OK, so we're going to be a couple that's, like,

looking for a dress of yours because we're

going to go out somewhere.

OK.

There's a specific dress that you're like--

Henry-- we'll say my name is Henry.

I can't find my blue dress.

OK.

Where is it?

And so I'm helping you look, and then I remember all of a sudden

that I sold it for drugs.

OK.

Oh.

- Um. - I don't--

Did you look through these.

I know I picked it up from the dry cleaners,

and I put my dresses in one--

look, I've got my red dresses.

I've got my purple shirt, my brick colored pants.

I won that award in that dress.

It's definitely here.

It's very--

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what I would do without that dress,

I think.

Oh, no.

I know. You're right.

Oh no is right.

We've got to find that thing, because that is like my child.

So you know I can't have kids, and I--

Cristiche, I sold that dress.

I sold that for drugs five years ago.

So the dress is gone.

Yeah.

I mean, but there's a ton of other--

I'm going to get you another dress.

Cristiche.

Cristiche, are you OK?

Please finish this sentence.

OK.

Nobody appreciates me, but someday,

I'll even the score by--

Killing everyone.

Yeah.

Oh, here's this next thing.

You're Kristen Wiig, and you're in a closet,

and I'm a guy from the street, and you're hoping

you don't get recognized--

OK.

by me.

Sorry, can I get--

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Are you-- hi.

Are you Kristen Wiig?

Are you--

No.

No?

No.

I am Lisa.

Oh, sorry.

OK.

Well, I'm going to get out of your closet.

Where are you from?

California.

But you're not the actress from "Bridesmaids"?

Mm-mmm.

No.

I make soup in California.

Well, that all checks out.

All right.

I have to go.

OK.

All right.

I've just realized I've been playing with the snap.

Oh, yeah.

I do that all the time.

But I--

I ripped it off.

This isn't our closet.

Well, I've had a good time.

I have too.

And it's-- it is 7 Minutes in Heaven.

Mm-hmm.

So.

So.

Can you do the lever?

Yeah, absolutely.

Thanks, Kristen.

OK, thanks for having me.

For 7 Minutes in Heaven, I'm Mike O'Brien.

That was Kristen Wiig.

Oh, yeah.

She never mentioned anything, but I

started to notice a pattern.

Six runs a week, a long run every weekend.

Eventually, it just hit me.

She was going to be the first person

to run a marathon without telling anyone about it.

I mean--

For years, running a marathon without telling anyone

was actually thought to be physically impossible,

with even the most private runners giving in to Facebook

posts, Instagram sneakers, and self-congratulatory tweets

any time they ran in the rain, but Kim's

incredible endurance and willpower left

a mark on everyone who saw her.

She had something special I had never

seen before in a marathoner, modesty.

I posted 12 photos of me watching her run the marathon.

How did she do it?

I'll never know.

The statistics are incredible.

15 weeks of training and never once did she

utter the phrase carbo loading.

I just said it, and I've only run a 5K.

Although, I am in training for a 10K later this fall.

Despite multiple requests,

Kim refused to be interviewed for this program, saying,

why would I have talked about something that's

not interesting to anyone else.

But many of her fans still can't let it go.

It almost seemed like she enjoyed

running for its own sake.

I mean, what?

What?

The whole point of running a marathon

is being able to tell people that you've run a marathon.

Otherwise, just go for a long run.

And the impact of Kim's run

still resonates, with fans continuing to visit

the site of that momentous day.

This is where it all went down.

The finish line was right over there.

You could imagine the crowd roaring, the runner's high,

and she got in her car, and she drove away.

Sorry.

Unexpectedly emotional.

I'm just going to put it on Twitter and Instagram,

maybe Facebook, and Snapchat to a few people,

email my college roommate.

Everyone's got to see this.

So what happened was I was walking home.

It was like 5:00 in the morning on a weeknight,

and this guy approached me, and he asked

me if I needed a walk home.

He was like, miss, you need somebody to walk you home?

And I was like, no, I'm good.

He's like, are you sure?

And I was like, no, I got it.

Thanks.

And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down

his sweatpants, took out his dick,

and he was like, hey, miss, this is for you.

And I was like, no, and then I kept walking all the way home,

and it was like a 15-minute walk.

And I got home, and I was like, what was I thinking.

I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately.

He could have followed me home, or there

could have been another freak.

I was just so nonchalant about it.

I turned down his dick as if he was trying to sell me a CD

or something, like no thanks.

Good luck with whatever you trying to do.

Bye.

And I try to think about it from his point of view.

It was like--

5:00 AM on a weeknight, and I saw this girl

walk out the subway by herself.

All right.

I don't really know what came over me,

but I was like, I kind of want to show her my dick.

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah.

You know men.

You know men.

Have you ever been in a situation

where you, like-- you want to get your dick out, you know?

You want to show your man now, because I feel like--

I feel like society trying box us in and make us metrosexuals,

you know, like, shave my dick and shit.

I want to get it out there, like ba-da!

You know what I'm saying.

So I walked up to this girl, and I was like, yo, miss,

you need somebody to walk you home.

Oh, yeah.

And she was all like, no.

And I was like, are you sure?

And she's like, no, I got it.

And then I slowed down, pulled down my pants,

pulled out my dick!

And I was like, yo, miss, this is for you.

Hey!

That's funny.

Yes!

Woo!

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

And then-- and then, like, nothing

really happened after that.

She just said no and walked away,

and I don't know what I was expecting.

She didn't have to touch it or nothing, just

some kind of reaction like, ooh, or cool, you know, something.

I showed her my manhood.

It's kind of rude, really.

I thought about it, like what if that was the girl of my dreams.

I showed him my manhood, and she didn't want it.

Kind of like a bad first impression.

And it was a bad first impression,

but I've had worse encounters with dicks before.

This guy was at least polite.

He called me miss.

He asked me if I needed a walk home.

He double checked.

He took out his dick.

I said no, and he put it away.

It was actually kind of respectful, if anything.

It was like a date with a lot of stuff

missing out in the middle.

It was short and sweet.

Everyone was honest with their feelings.

It's probably the best date I've ever had, actually.

Yeah.