Original subtitles

Hi, this is "7 Minutes In Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with the star of "Hall Pass" and "Saturday

Night Live," Jason Sudeikis. Hi, Jason.

Hello.

Also my office may at "Saturday Night Live."

This is true.

So I'm going to go right off the bat

and ask you that question.

I feel like you play a lot of, on "SNL" a lot

of game show hosts, a lot of dads.

Yeah.

- And a lot coaches. - Yeah.

Yeah.

If you can say this line like a dad, and then

a game show host. and then--

- Three different reads. - Coach.

Yeah. - OK.

So first is dad. - Sure.

OK.

For $100, why are my balls so mad at my butt?

- Great. - All right.

That's dad. - That's good.

- Yeah. - That's dad.

- That's liked thoughtful dad. - Yeah.

That's like a dad who--

But he wants an answer.

who talks to his kids like they're humans,

not like he made them.

Right.

- And what's next. - Coach.

OK.

Let's see.

The coach goes southern. - Yeah.

- Immediately. - You need it.

You got to go like "Friday Night Lights" with it.

Yeah.

Uh, and I may have to throw an expletive in there.

- Yeah. - All right.

Just maybe at the beginning there.

God damn it!

For $100, why are my balls so mad at my butt!

Felt a little bit like Bobby Knight there.

- Yeah. - A little bit.

I'm sick and tired of having a--

Yeah.

9 and 8 record.

That was halftime.

I'm sick and tired of losing to Purdue.

Why are my balls so mad at my butt?

And then the game show hosts.

Game show hosts.

- Tailor-made for game show. - Yeah, it is.

All right.

For $100, why are my balls so mad at my butt?

Marry, ,, kill, Hitler, bin Laden, Fritzl.

Is Fritzl the guy that kept the person--

Yeah, his daughter in the basement.

OK.

I guess I would kill--

I'd kill Fritzl.

Yeah,

Right?

I'd probably marry bin Laden and then just make,

like, his life a living hell.

Be like a real nagging kind of husband.

Yeah.

Just plus the shame of a gay marriage for him

is going to be rough.

That'll be nice to sort of rub his face in it.

Then obviously that means I would--

Have sex with Hitler.

Well, I'd to death.

But this is a very specific situation.

I've never had sex with a man much less, like, an evil--

Evil little German dude.

Yeah.

We were talking the other night

about one-second impressions. - Yeah.

Yeah.

It was an idea Jason had that I think it's very funny.

You kind of can't go wrong with them because they're so short.

- Right. - Your uncle is George Wendt.

Can you do one-second George Wendt or Norm, if you want,

from "Cheers"? - Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see.

It would go, OK, so the whole idea of one-second impression

is to not judge. You just got--

- You got-- - All right.

almost no time.

Yep.

Great.

That's it.

Well, I've had a good time sharing an office with you.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

You should have opened with that.

I mean, I assume you did.

It's because you asked me to be here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

It didn't seem there was any "ayenda" behind this.

No. There's not.

You keep moving your mouth a little bit.

I do a little bit.

That's OK.

Well, because I want it to be honest but, like, you're also--

I guess its eyes open, so it's never going to be too--

It's--

Too--

It's OK if it's eyes open.

Is that you're?

I don't know.

I don't know what's OK.

I don't judge this stuff.

OK.

I would go and hug first.

- Oh, yeah. - You know?

Yeah.

- Like something like that. - Yeah.

Like that. And then kind of like--

- And see if-- - Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, shh-- hey, good morning.

Good morning.

So, what happened last night?

Your friend Rick took my friend home and then we--

mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just I'm upset with myself as well.

About what?

Uh, nothing specific.

It seems specific.

Actually, this always happens.

What always happens?

Rick always gets the girl.

Uh, I'm a girl that's how we did it.

I know.

But it's just that there is the girl

and then there is the grenade.

What's a grenade?

A grenade is something, you know, you just--

You hug it?

You hug it and love it?

No.

You cover it up so your friends don't get hit.

Phew.

OK.

So the uglier friend?

Didn't say uglier. Didn't say that.

- You said it. - I didn't say that.

You pretty much said it.

It doesn't have to be a bad grenade.

It could be a good grenade.

Oh, a good grenade?

Yes, a good grenade.

Like a grenade that blows up and turns into money.

Or has like a nice personality,

or takes in a lot of stray cats or something.

All right.

I mean, honestly, I don't blame you.

Good.

I understand.

I've slept with a grenade.

Oh, that sucks.

When did that happen?

Real recently.

Oh, that sucks.

Bet you're pretty glad I came along, huh?

Change of pace?

Are you saying-- you're trying to say that I'm the grenade?

Yeah, I know you are the grenade.

No.

Abs-- that-- no.

No.

I'm-- no.

I mean between the two of us, I have, you know,

a fine face and large breasts.

And you look like you have a thyroid problem.

No I don't.

Yeah.

This is like very inconsistent here.

It's patchy.

It's coming in.

You look British but you don't even have the accent, you know.

I can do the accent.

Don't do the accent.

Doing the accent now.

No, you did it enough last night.

You're the grenade.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Look, I'm pretty sure that if I was a grenade

you wouldn't be dying to have this sweet morning boner

about to happen right now.

You're right.

Whoa, are you going right now?

I'm going to leave.

See you grenade.

It was nice. - OK.

Wait.

I feel like we're still caught up on this.

I'm not the grenade.

All right.

Well, I'll see you grenade.

Don't call me that because it's not true.

I really like your apartment.

I must've been a great upgrade from a soldier's belt.

No, I-- if you're implying that I'm a grenade, I'm not.

You going to get mad and blow up?

What?

Like a grenade.

No!

I'm not one!

Do you take vacations in Grenada?

Never been.

Stop!

Stop tricking me.

Just do me a favor and say hi to Rick for me.

You're the grenade!

I'm not the grenade!

Be careful around yourself because you're a grenade.

I'm not a grenade.

Uh, it means we make sound.

People think of neighborly noise as a nuisance

but we think of it as an art form.

We want those sounds to be different but completely

unrecognizable.

It just sounds like bowling balls.

That can't be what it is, but that's what it sounds like.

Sounds like bowling balls.

Is it a bowling ball?

Is it a metal barrel?

You never know because sometimes we get metal barrels.

You knew we were twisted though.

Julia is a fountain of creativity.

Oh.

She's a genius.

Oh!

She is so creative.

Oh.

Their ceiling is our stage and dancing across it.

Yes.

It is work.

We often take shifts to create the illusion

that nobody here sleeps.

Mm-hmm.

I just want them to stop and I want to know

what the hell they're doing.

Oh, oh, I love to feel your body all round me!

Oh, god!

Oh.

See she thinks that we're having sex but things aren't

always what they appear to be.

Oh, yeah.

When we do have sex it's actually very quiet.

It sounds like a baby the size of a giant

is learning how to walk.

A floor is but a movie screen to project the mind's eye.

And all of that hard work really pays off

when we get to meet our fans.

There's a lot of noise going on up here.

Kind of sounds like-- - Sounds tough.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

Yep. Be well.

Thank you.

You know, some people might say what

we do is passive-aggressive.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello, idiots!

Welcome to "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People."

Today's topic is money.

Money, money, money-- you love it and smart people

love taking it from you.

So, idiot, listen up if you want to stop

getting ripped off as much.

First, an extremely dumbed-down history of money.

For most of history, idiots actually

dominated smart people.

Then smart people convinced idiots

that the most valuable thing in the world was a piece of metal

with a tiny face on it.

And today, smart people who acquire

the most pieces of paper with tiny faces on them

own the entire planet.

Well, smart people have many sources of wealth.

Their favorite is renewable and highly abundant--

idiots like you, which brings us to ways that smart people take

your money.

First up, banks.

Banks are huge predatory corporations

run by small predatory smart people.

These smart people take idiots' money

to pay themselves to come up with new ways

to trick idiots into giving them even more money.

Then they give part of that money to politicians

so when smart bankers lose your money,

the government will give them even more of your money

so the banks can keep on taking your money.

Idiots!

Let's just move on to advertising.

For a consumer economy to function,

it's important that idiots keep buying shit.

So corporations hire smart advertisers to manipulate

your strongest idiot emotions-- fear

and horniness-- to make sure you buy that corporation's

specific shit.

And all this idiot manipulation leads

to lifelong idiot loyalty.

So smart people can't keep taking your money

from birth hole to grave hole.

Of course, advertisers also prey on smart people.

But in the monetary food chain, idiots are still at the bottom

thanks to the lottery.

Lotteries are government run casinos based in gas stations.

These state-sponsored scams exploit

idiots' poor understanding of probability

to inadequately fund public schools, which is why idiots

have such a poor understanding of probability

in the first place.

A complete shit circle.

If all of this makes you feel like over throwing

our money-based economic system, just

remember that a bunch of people already tried that

and it didn't go very well at all.

So, in summary, you are probably better

off not knowing any of this.

Whoops!

So your full name is Aubrey Drake Graham,

but we all know you as Drake.

Right.

I'm just wondering if you maybe

want to choose a name that's a little more like hip-hop, rap?

You know, like-- like Graham Cracka, you know, maybe?

That's probably a bad idea.

My name's Janessa Slater and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound advice."

What about Drake Time, like break time?

You know, like, you all know what time it is?

It's Drake Time, so everybody get ready to Drake dance

to this Drake beat.

Money, money, diamond rings.

Drake Time.

See in the neighborhood.

Like I'm going to go in front of 17,000

people at, like, Barclays Center and be like, it's Drake Time?

Say it-- can you say it how I said it?

It's Drake Time, everybody Drake dance, money--

Money, money.

Am I like pointing at people and calling them money?

There would be piles of money.

So I'm wondering, have you ever considered Jdate?

Probably not a good idea for me.

I'm more of like a private person.

And I don't really have, like, trouble with dates.

Because my cousin Amy met her husband on Jdate.

Oh.

And I could call her and get some good tips for you

on, like, setting up a great profile page.

You know, because you don't want people to just see the photo,

you know, and go, oh look--

hot, Black, Jewish guy.

But, you know, is he stable?

Does he make a good living?

Would he be a good father?

You know, you don't--

Is this like your version of like

some 60-year-old like Jewish lady,

like, perusing through my page?

Well, it's probably-- she's probably like 32-ish,

but her mom might be 60.

So I see that you've made a lot of mix tapes.

Yes.

Is that a popular trend in hip-hop?

Yeah, for the most part.

I mean, I think--

Can you hold on for a second?

It's-- hello?

It's 1994 calling.

They want their technology back.

Huh.

Oh, I get it.

No, no, no.

Actually, I have to take this.

Yeah.

Um, I think like TLC probably.

Totally.

Totally.

Flare-legged pants.

Right, that's what we should all wear.

Definitely. - I get the--

I get the jokes.

I know I seriously can't believe that

about Milli Vanilli either.

So in your song, "Started From The Bottom," you say,

"started from the bottom now my whole team here."

Did you really bring your whole team?

For the most part.

I mean--

You just don't want those people to hear,

oh the whole team's there.

I better get over there.

Let me put on my best vest and, you know, grab some,

you know, I don't know, chips and dip.

And head over to Drake's place and just join the team.

It takes a bit more than just, like, like a bag of Ruffles

and like some dip to sort of get, like, into my life.

Well, you and I have very different lives then.

Look, I know you're on the rise.

You're going to wake up one day maybe

and you're going to be this big star with like a million

Twitter followers, you know.

I have like 14 million, so I don't know if I'm that far off.

OK.

You have 14 million Twitter followers.

Yeah.

And you made up YOLO, right?

OK.

Well, what does it stand for?

You our lying always?

That doesn't even make any sense, because neither

of those words start with O.

I'm actually pronouncing it a different way.

Yeah, but it does it's still--

they still start with a different letter

so that changes everything.

Sorry.

I forgot I was in an English lesson right now,

Principal, you know, Jeffries.

Who is Principal Jeffries?

I don't know it's like a principal who's very

strict and weird about words.

This is like you're talking about a guy

that literally does not exist.

You're talking about, like, his curriculum--

Oh, a guy that doesn't exist.

Like the one that created YOLO?

This has been exhausting.

Peace, you know.

- Greg? - Yes.

Amanda? - Yes.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Hi I'm Greg.

And I'm Amanda.

And this is the commentary

track for our first date.

And our last date.

Yeah.

I just want to sarcastically thank my co-worker Caroline

for setting us up.

Yeah.

Thanks, Caroline.

Oh, hold on. Hold on.

I love this line.

No, I hate this drink order.

Please don't play it.

Can I get you started with something to drink?

Two Coors Light and make sure those mountains are blue.

That is how you order for a lady.

No, he hates it.

I definitely hate it.

Well, he hates it because he's a beta bitch

and I'm an alpha male.

I'm fast forwarding,

this is just the boring stuff.

Oh, where are you from?

Uh, did you go to college?

Yeah, what's your blood type?

I think you actually asked that. Wait.

Wait.

Hold on.

Hold on. Right there.

That face.

Sincere listening or did I fart?

I don't know, you be the judge. OK.

I totally knew. Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Look, I'm farting too.

Watch my hands-- there we are.

Oh, my god. I had no idea.

Well, girls use guys'

farts to mask their own farts.

Brilliant. All right.

Let's keep going.

Ooh, soup dumpling time.

My favorite part of the date.

My least favorite part of the date.

You chew with your mouth open like a bridge troll.

Like a bridge troll?

What is even? No, it's not even--

Look at that.

Look, it's a little bit of food.

OK, then you said this.

Wow.

OK.

Now I'm thinking, can I drown myself in this water?

What?

I was opening up to you.

I was getting vulnerable.

What's happening here?

Nothing. We had nothing to talk about.

Oh, yeah.

I was thinking about "Game of Thrones."

What?

I was thinking about "Game of Thrones."

Well, we should have talked about it.

What are you up to? Book five.

No, I mean the TV show.

They made a TV show?

Oh, you're the worst.

No, this is the worst.

So does your mom have any hobbies?

Hey, yo!

The lamest question I've ever been asked on a date.

Yeah, I know.

It's sucked.

That's actually why I got up and went to the bathroom.

That's pretty smart actually.

It gave me time to text other girls.

Yeah, well I was trying

to find a way to leave but then I

remembered I brought a jacket. Ah-ha.

Oh. Whoa.

Play this. Yeah.

Check time. Oh, yeah.

And the age-old dance of who's going to pay.

It's so awkward.

Yeah, especially when

the date has been a disaster.

Oh, how much is it even though I have

no intention of paying for it?

Oh, no, babe.

I got it.

Watch me through on my card and now I'm going to get poopy.

Are you sure?

Because I'm pretending to grab for my wallet in here.

Thinking about sex.

Thinking about sex.

Are you sure you

just don't want to split it?

There's absolutely no way that you'll say--

Sure.

And there's your modern male, ladies.

Uh, yeah.

And he only tips 12%.

The waiter is here?

Yeah. We're dating.

Sorry.

Great.

I was thinking that maybe tonight

we could finally hold hands.

Quiet.

Where is our food?

I'm sure it's coming.

This is because I asked to move tables.

They don't care about that.

They moved tables.

Yeah, drop them down.

Yeah.

Chef, table 3 wants their steak cooked well-done?

Oh, the bad way.

Good.

Yeah, move single blond up to their spot.

She at least politely smiled when

Mark read her the specials.

Thank you.

Table 2 asked me what my favorite thing on the menu is.

Right.

You're not their mother, OK, they can pick their own food.

Drop them down two and make sure that the AC

is blasting only at them.

Remember everybody, being a chef is not about making food.

It's about distributing punishments

and rewards based on the behavior of the customer.

Thank you.

Chef, table 9 just raised their finger

and cleared their throat to get my attention.

Huh.

How very shitty of them.

What should I do, master?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Water all their drinks down and send the appetizers out

after the entrees.

Why would people act like this?

Don't they know we hate it?

Chef, table 11 just said that they're allergic to cilantro.

It's not a thing.

They just don't like cilantro.

Take it down.

Take them down!

We have to start all over again!

I'm not sure if you heard me earlier about holding hands,

but--

I heard you.

Yeah, I'm just not interested.

OK.

We're going to drop down sauce-on-the-side.

Keep them above eight-way-credit-card-split

though.

We will also be dropping keeps-asking-if-it's-happy-hour.

Keeping that above separate takeout

for every part of the order.

And these two I do not know what to do.

They are equally shitty.

Computer!

Need a computer!

Thank you.

We keep track of everything and feed it

into this secret reverse Yelp that restaurants use to figure

out how we treat each customer.

There it is.

Move table 6 up.

They have a much better record.

This is what cooking is all about--

judging customers based on petty bullshit.

OK?

Let's get to our station!

Thank you, Chef.

Oh, thank you, Chef.

Sorry I picked this place.

Turned out to be a dud.

You won't hold it against me though, right?

Man!

First one here.

Nice.

Hey!

Hey, no.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, hey, man, I'm Josh.

You must be the manager. - I don't care.

This movie doesn't open up for a week and a half.

11 days.

That's longer than a week and a half.

Gosh, I remember a time when people first started lining up

for movies on Friday morning.

And I said, hey, that's fine, you know, that's no problem.

They're not hurting anybody.

You know, it's good for business.

The line, you know, it piques interest.

What's going on? Who's that?

What's this about?

Well, years passed.

And now every summer another batch of you crazies

gets dropped on my doorstep like some sort of horrible curse,

like an ugly baby at a doorstep that no one

wants to take care of.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Hey, I just want to introduce myself.

I'm Duffy. - Shut up!

OK.

Hey, man.

Hey, dude.

What's up, buddy?

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Hey, no problem.

I just meant management.

Really nice, right?

Really nice.

Super nice guy.

Way better than last time.

Oh, totally.

No shoving.

No physical contact.

No.

Do you realize how long it's been since we did this?

Not since high school. And since the last movie.

- The last movie. - Yeah.

Right. Right.

Man, we were such nerds back then, dude.

- Oh, my god. - Remember?

What did we do?

We did the-- we made those hats?

We made those "Future Space" hats.

Real dorky. You remember that?

So dumb.

- You brought them, right? - I got them.

Yeah, they're right here. - Cool, man.

- Bing. - Sweet.

Bam.

"Futures Space"!

"Future Space."

We're going to go see "Future Space."

Jealous?

11 days of glorious, glorious "Future Space" anticipation.

What the hell is that?

Did I just blink?

Are they getting close?

They're dressed like the telepathic triplets of Zybar.

What the hell?

So are you guys?

We are the triplets of Zybar.

We share one mind, one voice, and one mission--

to be first in line--

- For this movie. - Come on, Lance.

Oh, god.

First one yet.

I didn't know.