Original subtitles

-Are you ready? -Yes.

All right.

What's happening?

I got it this morning. From the best store in town.

Perfect. This is exactly what she needs.

And I wanted to make sure that she had several sizes.

We don´t want her to tear on first try.

Excuse me, did you just say "tear"?

What are we talking about here?

Kira, s'il te plait.

"My First Anal Explorer Kit."

Please tell me this isn´t what I think it is.

"Build up your backdoor expertise with three graduated butt plugs."

Yay!

The small plug helps beginners, like yourself,

adjust to the unique sensations of anal stimulation.

The medium plug helps build up your expertise and experience.

And the large plug helps you push the envelope

as you prepare for a night of back door fun.

So, would you like to go home and try them out?

No, I bloody well would not.

Don´t worry. We´ll be there if you need us.

Yay, butt plugs.

Remind me why I'm doing this again?

What's up with her?

Her man just told her he loves her, and she's sitting here like this?

I don´t understand her problem.

Girls, please, I have a headache.

It's not a headache. It's a meltdown.

You haven't showered in 48 hours.

Yeah. She´s right. You look like shit, man.

That´s maybe because I feel like shit.

I feel like the shittiest person in the world.

Why honey? What's wrong?

Because I tried, okay? I really did.

I'm clearly not cut out for this.

So you girls can make fun of me as much as you want

for being a virgin and a loser.

But I'm not gonna carry on hurting Olivier by playing

-your little cheating game. -It's not cheating. It's practicing.

Strange men are seeing me naked.

Okay, maybe it is cheating.

What if you save something just for Olivier?

Something you haven´t done with anyone else.

-Like what? -Penetration?

-James. -Oral sex?

Danish hipster. Random cab driver, check.

-Ejaculation? -No. Actually, not yet.

-There you go. -Voila.

And how am I supposed have sex with other men

without allowing them to jizz?

-You can certainly allow them. -Just not in here.

Only in here, and then here.

No, no, no, no, no. That is reserved for bowel movements.

Or suppositories,

which strangely enough are French people's favorite

-form of medicine. -Ah bon?

All I'm asking is that you open your mind a little.

I'd be glad to as long as I don't have to open my ass too.

All I'm saying is that with the right person,

a penis up your butt can be fucking awesome.

-I agree. -What?

How do you know if you don't love it

if you never want to try it?

4 3 2 1 0 Ignition

Just try one sip.

I need to know if there's too much kale.

Of course, there is too much kale. It's kale.

Kale is not food. Plus, it tastes like cow fart.

-Dude. -Look,

if you think that someone is actually gonna pay money

-for this stuff-- -My yoga students

have already pre-ordered 50 bottles.

Yeah. Your yoga students are a bunch of fucking idiots.

Sorry.

Bonjour, Charlie Chaplin.

It's this plug. I'm scared it will fall out.

It won't. That's the whole point.

Just let it sit there for the next two hours,

and let the work it´s magic.

In the meantime, let's find someone

who can deliver all that backdoor action.

Do you remember that guy that you used to date

before even moved in here?

You know, the guy who was really into anal?

Oh, God. Best sex ever.

He had this maneuver where he would dip his dick

in the jar of lube and then--

Oh, please. Spare me the details.

Could you lend him to Ellie for a couple of hours?

You know we really need someone who knows what he's doing.

I haven't spoken to him in a year.

I can´t just call him up.

Besides, every guy likes anal.

Just go on Seener and you´ll have a hundred of options.

Anyways, I got to sell my organic babies.

'Cause they won´t keep.

-What are you doing? -Looking for Mr. Lube Jar.

But he was with Kira.

Yeah, you know, I want someone for you who is really good.

What was his name again?

Benoit? Baptiste?

See, there he is.

Et Voila.

I'm not sure I like his face.

That's the beauty of anal honey. You don´t have to look at his face.

Come on, send him a message.

-Are you ready? -Yes.

All right.

What's happening?

There's something wrong...

There's something blocking me.

I'll be right back.

¿Te gusta, he?

-Ah oui, me gusta! -¿Te gusta, he?

-¿Te gusta? -Ah oui me gusta.

-¿Te gusta? ¿Te gusta? -Excuse me.

Hello? Pedro, hi!

Hey, Ellie.

Ellie. The girl who never learned to knock.

I´m sorry. But it´s urgent, Vero.

Can I see you in the bathroom?

Honey, I know you are a virgin and everything,

but you know this thing we are doing, it's called "Sex."

Which means we do not want to be disturbed.

I'm sorry, but...

Go ahead. She tells me everything anyway.

Fine. You know the butt plug?

Well, I kind of forgot take it out

and Bertrand felt it,

so I went into the bathroom to remove it, and...

but I think he pushed it further up instead.

I don´t understand.

It's very simple, cariño.

Ellie's ass swallowed her butt plug.

All right, okay,

"Kegel's, the perils of tight pelvic floor--

This is all your fault, you know.

Okay, okay, here.

Here, it says that you need to squat, okay?

So squat, bend your knees, and relax your perineum,

-Have you clenched? -Yes.

-Unclench. Unclench. -What?

Good. Now, push. Push. Push harder.

Keep pushing, keep pushing.

Why do I ever listen to you people?

Okay, push, push, push.

Who´s drinking my kale?

Bertrand? What are you doing here?

Kira. What are you doing here?

-I live here. -I can´t believe it.

-What? -I can't believe

I'm seeing you again.

I've been dying to call you for the past year.

You have?

Well, yeah, I still think about you all the time.

Our amazing moments, your small breasts. Your body.

I've thought about you too. A lot.

Well, then why didn't you answer my messages?

You sent me messages?

After that night at the Peniche.

Never got them.

Oh, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet

the next day, so...

Anyway since you didn´t answer

I thought you stopped liking me.

I never stopped liking you.

Can you explain to me again, why you´re here?

For you.

Come on.

Congratulations. It's a boy.

I'm so sorry for the delay,

my roommate made this organic green juice

and it must have caused me to...

Where´s he gone?

Bertrand?

Bertrand?

Bertrand?

Bertrand?

Hello, you have just reached Olivier's ansewering machine,

Leave me a message, I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Hi,

Olivier, it's me.

I was just ringing to tell you that I love you.

And I miss you.

I can't wait to see you again.