Original subtitles

Where is Kira?

You don't need Kira. I'm here.

Ellie, what the hell?

This is bloody weird.

No, it's not.

What are you doing? I mean, you and I are mates.

You're Ellie.

Ellie Belly.

And I'm--

Tiny Jimmy. I know.

I've been dreaming about this moment

since I was 12. So, may I?

-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm sure.

All right, come on then.

She said, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

Bringing your hands together,

lift your hands up over your head.

And exhale.

Now forward fold into Youthnasana.

And relax.

Relax? I can hardly breathe.

You have to be able to do these poses

if you want to be good in bed.

I didn't hear Blaise complaining last night.

-Really? -Now open up your butt chakras.

So what did you do? A 69?

Sideways? "Cowgirl"? "Salad tossing"?

Of course we did "salad tossing." We did everything.

It was fantastic. I came twice,

just like you promised it would be,

and the end she even said--

You just said "she".

-No, I didn't. -Yeah, you did.

I heard it too.

What exactly happened last night?

Well...

I really don't see what the problem is.

Technically, I did everything you told me.

Except technically, you're still a virgin.

Unless you're lesbian.

-Are you lesbian? -No!

The point is, I came.

Who cares whose tongue did the job?

Three bottles of water, please.

We're just trying to help you.

Okay, woman. You need a man to put his penis inside of you.

Okay? And then it's really up to you.

But you have to want this more than us.

Okay fine, fine. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lied.

This is our situation at this time.

Ellie has been banned from Titty Twister

and all the bars in our area.

And she's not loving the Seener thing.

Ellie!

Sorry, I'm listening.

So how do we find dates for her?

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat.

Mon dieu, Ellie can you just pick up your phone already?

I'll ring him back. It's Tiny Jimmy.

He's in Paris, and I promised to show him around.

Is Tiny Jimmy a midget?

God, no. We call him that 'cause of his huge willy.

Which you've actually seen?

You can't miss it. It bulges out of his pants

like a giant yam.

He was famous for it in high school,

and in whole of Manchester.

Problem solved.

-Yep -What?

Jimmy? No way, it would be like sleeping with my brother.

Your very well endowed brother.

Ellie, the extra large experience doesn't come along every day.

You have to grab it while you can.

Grab it.

Quality lube is your friend.

As long as you use plenty of it and go slow.

You have to be really turned on.

A lot of foreplay will help.

Girls, just be honest with me. How much is this gonna hurt?

It depends if he's extra wide or extra long.

He's not gonna break you. Just make sure then you're on top

and that why you stay on control.

I read on Jezebel that XLs can go at it for hours.

Go ahead and find out.

That was really gorgeous, thank you, can go to the Louvre now?

What, the Louvre? No, there's no point.

You'll never get anywhere near the Mona Lisa.

-Come on. -My friend told me it's great.

Well, we'll go tomorrow.

So, you still with that girl back in Manchester?

On and off. How about you?

Any boyfriend in Paris?

It's complicated.

Honestly, it's no different than Oxford Street.

Come on.

And there it is. Notre Dame.

Nice... I'm gonna take a picture.

Come on, time to go home.

But I wanted to go up to the top of Eiffel Tower.

With all the tourists? No, you really don't.

Yes it's this guy, Keanu, Keanu...

-No. -Yes.

-No. -Yes, he was it...

-Hi, guys. -Hi.

This is James.

-Hey. -Hi.

Hey, James, Pedro.

I'm Veronique.

Welcome to Paris.

Well, bye, James. Bye, Ellie.

-Bye. -Have fun.

Bye.

Come on.

-Hey, Kira. -Hi, sweetheart.

This is James. You know, my friend from England.

Right.

It's his first time visiting Paris.

So, how was your tour?

Beautiful.

You look tired.

You're probably... what do you call it?

Knackered.

Jimmy, I think you need a rest. Why don't we go to my room?

No, thanks.

Do you want some tea?

No.

I think maybe something harder, Ellie.

I'm not such a big drinker actually, thank you.

Oh, come on, you have to try it. It's, like, super good.

It's nice, right?

Yeah, I feel relaxed already.

Go ahead.

Where is Kira?

You don't need Kira. I'm here.

Ellie, what the hell?

-This is bloody weird. -No, it's not.

What are you doing? I mean, you and I are mates.

You're Ellie.

Ellie Belly.

-And I'm-- -Tiny Jimmy.

-Yeah. -I know.

And I've been dreaming about this moment since I was 12,

so, may I?

-You sure? -Yeah, I'm sure.

All right, come on then.

Okay.

Looks like you're ready.

Yeah.

Okay, here goes.

James?

Jimmy.

Jimmy, wake up!

Jimmy.

Kira!

Help.

If you'd been practicing Cobra position like I taught you,

you would not be in pain right now.

Could you please save the lecture for later?

Let me get you a hot towel.

Thank you.

It's Olivier.

Ellie, it's Olivier.

He is so bloody heavy.

It's his penis.

Oh God, get him on the couch.

Hello.

Good evening, darling.

My goodness. What are you even doing here?

I missed you too much. Couldn't stand it anymore.

Thank you.

You're so wonderful. And full of surprises.

You know...

This is James, my third cousin from England.

He's very tired. He had a long day.

I think he has a thing for Kira.

All right, well, I'll drop my bag.

No fucking.

You know, I've been thinking so much about you.

-Really? -About us.

This time apart,

so intense,

it makes me want you even more.

Are you okay?

Actually I'm not feeling very good.

I'm just gonna... gonna splash my face with water.

Yeah. Sure.

Quality lube is your best friend.

-Hey. -Hi.

Feeling a little better?

Not actually. I'm sort of having the spins.

I see you were also thinking about being together.

What the hell you gave me?

Sounds like your cousin's having a rough night.

Yeah, actually...

I think there's a virus going around.

I don't think we shouldn't kiss or anything.

I don't want you to catch it.

Do you mind if we just cuddle?

No. Of course not.

Two surprises already.

I really like you, you're so spontaneous.

I didn't know that about you.

I feel the same for you.

Well, it's a lovely surprise.

-Hi, good morning. -Hey, good morning.

-James. -Olivier, I'm Ellie's boyfriend.

Oh, wow. I don't know what to say.

-I'm so sorry about last-- -No, no, no, no. It's fine.

As long as you're feeling better.

Yeah. I just need to get my pants and I'll head out.

Good idea.

Morning sexy.

Your pants are in my room if you need them.

Poor Jimmy. Doesn't remember any thing about last night

I love you.

What?

I love you, Ellie.