Original subtitles

♪♪

What the [bleep] oh! Oh!

♪♪

Yes.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The [bleep]?

♪♪

♪♪

Like the undertaker in this bitch.

What's up, man? What's good, boss?

Wow! Whoa! Okay, settle down.

Want to talk about something kind of important today.

Weed is becoming legal everywhere.

[bleep] up. Insane.

It's [bleep] up.

Unbelievable.

I had a friend who did weed once.

Not proud of it.

Now he's 12 feet under.

When they saw what weed did to his body,

They had to bury him twice as deep.

Yeah. Then his corpse infected the groundwater

And killed the whole township.

Keep weed illegal, y'all, use your head.

Weed -- brought to you by oxycodone!

It's time to do my taxes.

♪♪

Yeah! You need to see

Someone in this office?

What's goin' on with you, piss farley?

I got my w-2s,

My w-9s,

My w-69s.

Oh, no! I forgot my keef sheets!

I got some blood diamonds to unload.

Did you know that south america and africa

69'd back in pangaea?

Okay. [ gibberish ]

Announcer: The jelly wrestlers are here!

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, you know her from everything.

Raven-symoné!

Whoa, raven! You look great!

♪♪

Raven! Hello!

I'm cravin' some raven.

Oh, you got the hashtags ready!

You look great! Thank you.

Now, you replaced rudy on "the cosby show,"

And then you replaced booty on "hanging with mr. Cooper."

First of all, this is not a true statement.

Did you cut her out of the script?

[ vacuuming ] no, I didn't do anything

That would -- [ inaudible over vacuum ]

Toxic behind the scenes, were you marginalizing women?

Does a three-year-old know what toxic really is?

[ vacuuming ] thank you very much.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Thank you. You're kind.

You worked with michael jackson and bill cosby.

Tell me what it was like to work with --

We're not gonna finish that question.

...Two completely unproblematic men.

Not a part of this. And you wrote a song in '97

Called "I can get away with anything."

I'm assuming those lyrics were written by bill cosby as well.

You know, I think bill cosby's innocent

And I think the real murderer is still out there.

Announcer: Are you sick of having a dirty car?

We'll cover it in fish chum. Oh [bleep]

And...

Kumail nanjiani might show up. Hey, I'm kumail!

This is my place. Really sorry about the mess.

I had a car and then someone crashed it

And I had to walk everywhere, and I got a fitbit.

And now I'm jacked, and now I'm in marvel movies.

I've got a hot wife. It was her fault. It wasn't my fault.

I didn't -- I just came to pick it up.

This is a fitbit. I'm really sorry.

I don't want a fitbit. Fitbit presents

Kumail's kar kwash.

I'll hose it off. Hose it off, then, okay?

Sir? Clean it if you want, I don't care.

Kumail's kar kwash, only in burbank.

♪♪

And we are back

With raven-symoné. Aloha, daven.

Oh, nice.

You want a smoothie?

That is so...Disturbing. Impressive, huh?

You weren't expecting that. No.

No, I wasn't. And it's disturbing.

You got to expect the unexpected.

I don't want to talk about it. That's disturbing.

Daniel boon-boon! Like, lisa b--

You know, binaca has a new pepper spray.

Aah!

Oh, hey, thank god someone's here.

Look. Look what I found here before.

You're [bleep] kidding me. No, man,

Some -- some kids, like, beat him the [bleep] up.

You're [bleep] kidding me. No, I think he was handing out

Parking tickets like crazy, somebody got pissed.

Pretty funny. I think he's out of his precinct or something.

I've been trying to keep him alive.

How the [bleep]? Been feeding him donuts.

This is their, like, natural diet.

He's lovin' it. Don't have do feed him,

You call 9-1-1.

No, no, no. Don't call the cops.

I don't want to embarrass the guy

In front of his coworkers.

Got an officer down.

I removed some of his blood already to lighten his load.

Do you know the street value of this blood?

[ grunts ] I ripped one of his gold molars out.

I need to be compensated for my time.

You want to do whippets while we wait for the cops to come?

No! Why not? It's not like he's going to arrest us. Right?

Do whatever you want, I'm not worried about that.

We got to get this guy palliative care. Here. Here.

Help me milk him. I gotta milk him before he dies.

Yo, you've got an officer down on the floor.

Officer down.

He's done.

♪ hallelujah ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, benny blanco.

♪♪

Get on up here, my --

Oh, shit!

Oh. Just come sit with me.

Aw.

Wow, this is great.

Oh, wow, your [bleep] out!

Great. Oh, beautiful.

I'm going to kick my feet up.

Yeah, get comfortable, my man.

We got you a cake.

That chair is a cake chair.

It's edible. Yeah, baby!

Yeah! Let's go, benny! Not bad.

I like the hair.

Benny, I have good news. We have a humidifier

Fighting a dehumidifier!

Let's see who's going to win the humidity war.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, hard to say who won.

Yeah. Good job, guys.

Hey, benny blanco, why don't you play us some benny bongo?

What? What? What is -- glue.

This is glue? Yeah. Don't eat that.

This is glue?! Yeah.

Great. Oh!

What the -- that thing's on its moon cycle.

Whoa! Their cycles linked up!

Can I ask you something? Yeah.

If you were in the middle of nowhere,

Indiana, you're driving, it's 3:30 in the morning.

Okay. A little kid comes out of a field of corn.

Boof! You hit him.

Do you pull over and check in on him,

Or do you just keep driving?

You pull over. Shit.

Me, what I would do, I would pull over

And I would ask that little boy his pronouns.

Oh!

Sorry. This used to be a nickelodeon studio.

Nickelodeon's infamous for not cleaning out the studios

That they once vacated. Okay.

Ice bucket challenge! Oh!

-Yes. How are you? -Hi! Great!

I'm gonna make some calls, so...

Okay.

Hey, I'm eric. Nice to meet you.

April? Yeah, my uncle actually owns the company

And he got me this job.

I got in trouble at my last job, so he came to the rescue.

At least you had backup. That's right.

You want a piña colada? Of course not.

Working, I'm at work. These are good.

You're not a rum person? You want like a mezcal floater?

I'm trying to work, for real. Don't bother me no more.

It's 5:00 somewhere.

I can't, I can't. It's drinking time.

I'm doing data entry, too. But the only thing I want

To enter is my uncle's hot new wife.

What's in there? You want to do black coke?

Didn't you say you was gonna leave me alone?

Printer ink is like an aphrodisiac.

Look, you can snort it. I'm trying to work here.

Oh! Yo!

Trying to work is what I want to do.

Whoo! That was good, girl, but...

That shit did get me high.

I heard you can catch a buzz off a fire extinguisher.

Oh, my god! No, you're not doing this right now.

Oh! [bleep] my uncle. [bleep]

Oh, my god.

What the hell is going on out here?

I'm on a call in here. Please, keep it down!

That's him, not me.

Clean this shit up.

Oh, my god.

April.

Thanks for covering for me, big dog.

I'm not your big dog. You need to leave me alone.

Oh [bleep] the janitor's here.

Oh, my god. Shh!

Oh, my god. I got to get out of here.

Hey, sir, you okay? He's okay.

We just like to have fun in this office.

I got to shit, too.

[ flatulence ] isn't life beautiful?

This is how I connect to the natural world.

Hey, April.

My uncle died over 20 years ago.

On this very day.

You're absolutely disgusting.

♪♪

What's going on out here?

Guy that was here with the glasses...

And the ponytail.

The guy that was sitting here?

He died 20 years ago.

On this very day.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, ho99o9 the explorer!

Step on those legos!

Ah! Shit. This shit hurts.

Damn, this shit hurt. What the...

-Oh, my god. -Oh, shit.

And I'm perked up all day.

[bleep] that [bleep]

-You know what's going. -[bleep]

I'm ripping everything.

Aah! Shit.

Eric: Feed the guys, they're starving!

Ah! What the [bleep]

They're doing it all wrong! They're doing it all wrong!

It's just not right!

They didn't look at my notes at all when they were consulting

With the bit!

Yeah.