Original subtitles

[ up-tempo music plays ] aaah!

Aah! Aaaah!

[ clatter ] aah! Aah! Aaah!

♪♪

Aah! Aah!

K.O.!

Aah! Aah! Aaah!

Uh, uh...

[ soft music plays ] I'm bad.

Ugh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

♪♪

[ crowd cheers ] whew.

So, you ever see this movie "my big fat greek wedding"?

Yeah, I saw it like once.

Why can't they just call it

"my plus size mediterranean civil union"?

♪ I like my hair like this ♪

♪ I like my hair like this ♪

Hey, how you doing? Okay. How are you?

Weird if I tried on, like, a wig?

I like this one. This looks great, right?

How does it look? That's good, right?

[ laughs ] oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna do some lipstick, too, I think.

♪ doo doo doo doo ♪

Oh, yeah. So, I look beautiful. Yeah.

What do you think? Am I ready for the ball?

Excuse me, sir. [ clears throat ]

Have you seen this man?

He's wanted for murder.

Yes.

[ whispering ] don't you say a [bleep] word.

Shh.

Have you seen him?

I just -- I need to get an answer.

We're looking. Hsss.

What's up?

My wig? No, I'm still trying it on.

No, no, no, no, no. I would like the wig back, please.

I look good. Why?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I can -- I can...

Excuse me. You seen this man?

He's been going around impersonating a cop.

He might look a little different.

[ whispering ] don't you say a [bleep] word.

[ whispering ] don't you say a [bleep] word.

-Don't you say a [bleep] word. -Don't you say a [bleep] word.

Don't you say a [bleep] word.

Pranksters: Don't you say a [bleep] word.

Don't you say a [bleep] word!

Don't you say a [bleep] word!

Aaah!

What the [bleep] shit?

So, that's what they do out here?

Ladies and gentlemen, chet hanks!

♪♪

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chet. Ch-ch-ch-ch-chet.

Thank you for being here. Chet hanks!

Yeah, man. What's up, man?

Ya know mean? [ chuckles ] you know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.

You're like "ali g show" 24 hours a day, my dawg.

That's right. That's right.

[ laughs ] yeah.

Ah, you know, man. What are you working on?

Nothing.

That makes sense.

What's the difference between tom hanks and tom cruise?

Uh...

Tom cruise, um...

...Is not my dad.

Man: Yeaaaaah!

That makes sense.

If your dad's rude to you, do you go,

"hanks, but no hanks"?

Give a man enough rope, he'll hanks himself.

Phew!

You ever get pulled over, you look at the cop,

You just hand him a copy of "forrest gump" and you go,

"let me on my way, pig"?

[ laughs ] bah!

What is going on with you?

Dude, I'm just here, you know?

What the hell happened to you?

I know, I know, I know.

You are tense.

I'm walking on [bleep] eggshells up here.

Hey, you want a kraz hard segregated seltzer?

They got kraz for whites and kraz for blacks.

Don't be too jealous now. I get to drink both.

[ chuckles ] yeah.

I'm bringing your taste buds back to birmingham, brother.

Give me the black one.

♪♪

Hey, how you doing? Hi.

-Fine if I just drop this here? -Oh, yeah.

Mind if I use your restroom real quick?

Do you know where it is?

-I've been here a bunch. -Oh, okay. Cool.

Oh, hell no.

[ growling ] aah!

[ gasps ] oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

-Hi! -[ gasps ]

I'm drew barrymore. I'm here to help.

It's what I do! Are you okay?

No. I'm not okay. Unh-unh.

I sense distress, and I'm an empath.

Mm, no, not today.

[ sniffs ] that's wolverine piss.

What the [bleep] is that?

That's wolverine piss, alright.

That is definitely not my box. Okay.

And there is definitely not a -- how you say -- wolverine inside.

Huh. [ eric laughs evilly ]

I bid you adieu!

Not today, mnh-mnh. Not today.

Announcer: Only on cbs.

♪ aw, yeah ♪

Chet: Should I get tactical with it?

Check it out.

♪♪

Talk about tom cruise.

It was like "columbine: The musical."

Your blood look like a little michael jordan.

Yeah.

And we're back with chet haze.

It's not haze, dude. You want haze or hanks?

Hanks, dude. [ applause ]

Is it 'cause... Is it 'cause, uh...

You want to hear my ice-t impression?

Oh, shit.

♪ they want me to get vaccinated ♪

♪ but I'd rather get ♪

♪ inseminated ♪ oh!

♪ the flow is flagrant ♪

You know what I mean? So, I'm just...

Ladies and gentlemen, gay blade.

♪♪

♪♪

So, people give you shit for speaking patois?

Yeah. What other cultures have you considered integrating

Into your personality?

[ scottish accent ] ah, yeah. You know, you want some milk?

You want a glass of milk?

It's fooking hot out here.

When it comes to selling real estate,

Sometimes things get a little crazy.

-Hey, how you doing? -I'm doing alright.

-Pleasure. -Nice to meet you.

Come on in. Have a seat. Have a seat.

Just write down your goals, like, what your ideal house is.

Hey!

Give me -- this is my colleague.

Just give me a second. I just need to do powwow

Real quick. We'll just have a quick meeting.

-Just give me two seconds. -Sure.

Okay.

-Oh, hey. -Hey.

Hey. [ clears throat ] you're still here?

We were just having a little meeting. I'll just use the bathroom real quick.

Yeah. Yeah. The restroom's there.

Listen, my wife's pulling up in like 20 minutes, so just...

Let's leave that meeting off the books.

♪♪

You want me to knock a couple bucks off the price?

Huh?

Just think about it.

$50,000 off?

Eh... You ever heard of hedonism?

Yes. You could watch.

You come to jamaica with us.

All expenses paid.

Ah!

But now the wheels are turning.

My man.

No one would have to know.

Deal.

I love you. Mm?

♪♪

You know her from tv's and movies --

Natasha lyonne!

Wow.

A mermaid, before my very eyes.

Hey!

Little red. What's up, girl?

-Hello! -Hello!

You created "russian doll." co-created.

Why not call the show "groundhog's day"?

Ehh... "...The series."

Yeah. This season -- you know what I mean? You ever see that movie?

You've seen "groundhog's day" with bill murray, right?

Yeah.

You could do it.

Son, you have no idea how lucky you are in this country.

Dad... Do you understand what it was like

I-I -- I don't -- do you have any idea?

Dad, in the middle of this natasha lyonne interview,

You thought this was a good time to reminisce --

Every time is a good time

To reminisce about yugoslavia?

You comin' home. You don't appreciate the old country!

Aaaaah!

Hyah!

Hyah! [ glass shatters ]

Ladies and gentlemen, diplo!

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, whiplo!

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, dip-lo.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, kick-lo.

This sucks.

Aaaaah!

God damn it!