All language subtitles for Smoke Sauna Sisterhood.en

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d Become, become mighty! d

d Become, become powerful! d

Greetings, dear sauna!

I remember when I was little

then children weren't taken
to a hairdresser.

Instead some lady
just took out the scissors.

I remember how this scissor-lady
wondered and sighed:

"How will you, a poor girl,
manage growing up?

She has no hope as a woman:
twisted teeth, too skinny.

Blue circles under eyes,
hair so thin."

No one told me directly that I'm ugly,
but it was implied.

People were concerned
that you were not up to par.

Exactly!

My sister had long blonde hair
and father loved to say:

"So pretty,
like something handmade."

Everyone admired her.

In my case people just asked
how I'm doing at school

and whether I have good grades.

That's what my relatives
expected from me.

I remember that I went
to my mother to ask,

is it so that I'm not beautiful at all?

Mother must have wanted
to comfort me. She said:

"Well yes, but you are unique!"

I realized that
I'm really not beautiful.

And with such knowledge it wasn't
easy to be in the women's world.

It took me a long time,
before I started to feel beautiful.

I think I was in my forties
when I started to feel beautiful.

I feel that it was
a huge blow for my mother

that she had a daughter...
who is fat.

...who is not suitable
to be a ballerina.

She herself dreamt of becoming
a ballerina.

In relation to that I remember that
the best compliment from my mother,

that me and my sisters have received,

is when she has said:
"Oh, you've become so skinny!"

This is the best praise.

When you hear that you feel -
now I'm good!

First memories of my mother are
that she stands in front of a mirror

and observes herself.

She has lifted her clothes,
spins herself,

checks her butt,
cellulite or whatever -

and she's not satisfied with herself.

Her dream was to get breast enhancement,
so that all men would desire her.

The main thing as a woman
was to attract men.

That makes you a valuable woman.

The only good thing about my body was
that I had beautiful breasts

when they began to grow.
Then my mother was happy.

My sister was 5 years older than me.

She developed faster.
She was busty.

I was still waiting
for my breasts to start growing.

I remember riding a bike
with apples under my shirt -

it felt like they were jumping.

Is it steady?
- Yes.

Socks on hands!

Beat the nape of my neck.

Onto the shoulders.

I knew from movies
that your hair might fall out.

But I never thought that
all the body hair would come off.

I went to the bathroom
and my panties were full of hair.

Then I remembered
that two weeks have passed

and my hair should come off.

I pulled my hair
and it did come off.

One handful and another...

You just pull and that's it?
- Yes.

I was sitting in front of the oven,
took them and put them in the oven.

This diagnosis made me
rethink life a lot.

I don't think I felt sick
for a second.

I just thought that I'm very tired.

I thought I just need a vacation.

There was just a little dimple here.

I thought I'll make
a Christmas present to myself

and went for a medical check-up.

It turned out...

that I have breast cancer.

My first reaction was like -

probably the fear of death -
everything inside you freezes.

For about two or three days

I didn't even go to the toilet.
I didn't eat.

I was canceling Christmas parties
and other things.

Then I realized I'm dying
in this fear of death.

I invited a friend to visit me -

I'm crying, talking and whining
about death to my friend -

and then I get a phone call.

I was invited to a date.

It was such an absurd situation.
I'm preparing to die here...

That laughter freed me from the fear.

I realized that I'm not dead yet -
why am I wailing?

And then I decided to start living.

The first thing I did was reconsider
all my Christmas party invitations.

I went to all the parties.

On the next day this man texted
and apologized.

I probably wasn't the only one
who received those invitations.

He said he was drunk.

I called back and said: "I don't know
what these other women think...

but I am grateful to you
for the rest of my life!"

You know such things
happen to people,

but you never think
it could happen to you.

I don't have a uterus.

I don't have one of my ovaries;
part of my breast is missing.

Quite a few organs
have been cut out from me.

But when I had this last operation -
then I felt that...

...the soul cannot be cut away.

Wooh! Well done!

Give it once more,
so it breaks off properly.

Smoke sauna is a sacred place
where you cleanse yourself.

When you wash yourself clean -
it is a blessing.

You can wash off all your dirt.

We thanked the person
who heats the sauna.

Also the person
who brought the water.

Women gave birth in smoke sauna.

The smoke sauna was heated,
the mother was placed in a bath tub,

and when it was time to deliver,
she was taken out of the bath tub.

Then childbirth was easy
and not so painful.

When a son was born,
he was the new master of the house.

But when a daughter was born - oh...

The daughter is...

No one said they wanted a daughter -
a son was wanted more.

The sons worked,

but daughters had to be given away
with a dowry in marriage.

My relatives have now left me
in peace with this subject,

but for a while I thought
I'll just make someone up.

Just to get this topic off the agenda.

I actually have very nice relatives...
but yes - that opened my eyes.

I thought the problem was
that no one wanted me.

And they thought, that I don't want
anyone and the choice is so huge.

You start looking at it differently.

Whether there are many fish
or less fish in the sea,

is actually all in your head.

Exactly.

I'm not sure if this pressure comes
more from the society or from myself.

It was also very important to me
to have some kind of companion.

Although, most of the time
I didn't have one.

Then again - I've been married
and there has been this and that.

But...

I was somewhere over 30

when I accepted that it's OK
to be alone as well.

And when I then went
to some family events -

funerals or things like that -

then all the time the tension
just grew and grew,

because I realized I'm already 34-35.

My parents are not
even asking anymore -

they have lost all hope.

They probably want grandchildren,
but there are none -

and then all the time this pressure
grows and grows.

I remember one especially
funny moment from a funeral.

During this period I had a partner.

He wasn't with me at the funeral,
but at least I could say,

that I have a man
with a 12-year-old child.

And then one of my
female relatives said:

"At least it's something!"

...lukewarm water.

You can drink it too, right?

Yes.

I went to a wedding recently
and such a joke developed there:

to the woman
who catches the bridal bouquet,

all the male guests
will have to send their dick-pics.

From those pictures she can choose?

I don't remember how we got there.

Do you know what just happened?

I thought dick-pic was some new app.

I didn't understand right away.

I have never received
any dick pictures.

How exactly does it work?

What exactly are they photographing?

My friend has had it
and it's pretty awful.

This is some Tinder thing.

A guy starts to talk to you

and then all of a sudden
a dick-pic arrives!

It's a real shock!

I wouldn't imagine
that I'm on Tinder,

and then suddenly
I'll send a pussy picture.

It's so funny.
I can't imagine it either.

I had a partner
who in the middle of sex

decided to come up
with an 'interesting' role play.

Before entering me,

he said: "Ask for it!"

Like - "Beg for it!"

And then I had to say this -

there must have been a word
I don't remember any more -

but basically I had to ask:
"May I have the penis, please?"

And I asked it once but...

My mind went blank!

So I said:
"May I have the penis, please!"

And then he said: "No, ask nicely!"

This desire to be wanted and to hear,

that she wants me so bad
she begs for it.

What did he mean nicely?
- The influence of porn movies?

Probably. But I guess I asked
in a softer voice then.

"May I have the penis, please?"

It was so surreal.

I couldn't even get angry,

because for me it was like...
greetings from the outer space.

I had never encountered
such a thing before.

Have you told your mother?

Does she know?

And father?

They found out this year.
Actually last year.

Directly from me.

Maybe they guessed,
but probably not.

Oh, God! When was it?

2009 - almost ten years ago.

I went to a three day swimming camp.

I stayed at a friend's place.
She was a very close friend of mine.

I remember -
I sat there on the couch...

...two more girls sat on another couch.

And out of nowhere comes
this feeling...

The biggest storm you have ever felt,
just drops on you!

And I feel a feeling
that I have never felt before!

A hundred times more powerful than
anything I thought I could ever feel.

I know precisely that it is
towards that person.

And I know that it's something
which means love - and it shocked me.

I could not say a word
that evening anymore.

I did not tell anyone;
did not share it with anyone.

And then I was like:
"Really?! Do I like women now?

Are you kidding me? Can life get
any worse than it already is?"

At least I now understood
why I didn't match with any man.

I knew I had to end
my current relationship!

It took me three weeks
to end the relationship with this man.

It was really difficult to tell him -
my partner at that time.

I did not know how to talk about
such things at that time.

I kind of made up a reason...

"Hey, you are a bit
too feminine for me!

It doesn't really work for me!"

Something completely nonsensical.

I imagine it must have left
a big scar on him.

It was not nice, but I didn't know
how to say it in any other way.

Then I started the journey
to accept myself.

Started to discover,
whether it is really true.

That was a very complex process...

Because the person towards whom
I had those feelings...

I told her that I have such feelings,

but I'm not expecting
anything from you.

I definitely don't want
anything from you.

But I felt that
we can't continue talking

before I get this out of myself.

If cards are not open?
- Yes.

And there was total abandonment.

She said I was the filthiest person
she had ever met.

And that hurt.
That really hurt me.

Something that is so natural to me,
that I'm still learning about myself...

And someone says that I'm filthy.

It was painful and it was a process -

quite a lengthy process.

Last year I went
to my parents house and thought:

"Dammit! I will tell them!"

But it was somehow uncomfortable,
I didn't want to do it.

But then my partner

for some reason had brought
flowers to the front door at night!

Like a big bouquet of flowers.

I wake up in the morning and hear,
"Elsa, you've got flowers!"

Flowers? Are you kidding me?
I knew from whom they were.

Dad asks: "Oh! You have a boyfriend?!"
"Who sent you flowers?"

I was like,
"OK, I've been given the chance..."

I felt so uncomfortable there
in the kitchen and I just said:

"Yeah, well, very nice flowers..."

I went to the second floor
for a moment,

and thought why am I not
taking this opportunity?

Went back downstairs and said:
"Dad, you asked who sent the flowers?"

"Yes, so I asked."

I said: "Well, I got them
from my partner - she's a woman."

I don't remember how exactly,
but I said we're in a relationship.

Dad turns away from the TV
and looks at me.

"What?! Are you a lesbian?!"

I answered, "Yeah, I don't know.
I guess that's how they call us."

He said, "Ah", turned back to the TV
and didn't say anything more.

And then mom sits on the sofa
and knowingly says:

"A human is a human!"

And that was it.

And this topic has not been
discussed further in our family.

Don't you want to wet your hair?

Only the closest people knew
how my mother really was.

Others kept repeating
how good a person she is.

I listened to how she closed the door,
to guess what mood she's in.

And often she was in mood
or was just tired.

She had three children.

The Soviet Union collapse...
Coupon times...

As she closes the door,
what kind of steps are approaching?

"The dishes are unwashed again!
What are you doing here?"

It was so scary.

Another time she came home

and had planned to go
to pick blueberries.

But me and my sister were both tired.

I said: "I don't want to go
to pick blueberries today."

In anger she threw
buckets all over the yard.

"Nothing is done here,
everything is like..."

At one point I remember,
I started to walk out of the gate...

...and she ran after me with a scythe,
trying to cut me with it.

I ran for my life as she chased me
with the scythe.

Had I stopped,
she would have simply cut my legs off.

You asked me whether I wanted
my mother to be still alive.

When she died,
just like in her lifetime,

I had conflicting feelings.

I wished her dead
while she was alive.

From time to time, I even had thoughts
that I was going to kill her,

and sometimes I was afraid
she would come and kill me.

It was scary.
It was so scary.

And yet she loved us very much,
she loved me very much.

What did it look like?

Love, yes, I...

I felt like she was caring for us
as best she could.

That she was scared all the time,

her heart trembled for us -
is everything okay with us?

She had to check all the time
to make sure we were alright.

That we have everything.

That we do things,
as she understands them to be right,

because then
everything is alright with us.

This was an expression of her care,
she did not know any other way.

Only through total control.

There was no such word
like love in our family.

If you said that then
father asks immediately:

�What is that?�
He just asked it again this year.

I answered that
it's an interesting animal.

Is it some kind of food?

Estonians don't really want
to talk about it.

Yes.

What about hugging, fondling,
being cuddled?

No, never, never.

Once I was away
from home for almost five years.

My return home was a surprise.
They didn't know about it.

Mother was at home when I arrived
on a bicycle. Dad was not.

I entered through the hallway
and peeked into the kitchen.

Mom looks at me and says:
"Oh, you're home."

And that was it - no hugging,
no cooking, nothing.

And no one asked, how was your trip?

Where did you go, what did you do?
- How are you?

How do you feel?
Who are your friends?

Oh, you found the time to come.

Exactly that "oh, you found the time."

Yes, the first phrase is already...

One hour later father comes home

and turns to me with the same
"Oh, you're home!"

I asked if they had an agreement
to greet me with the same sentence?

Then luckily my brother came
and he asked many questions.

I saw how my mother
listened very intently.

My brother also told me
that she actually has read

all the possible things
about my trip.

But she doesn't want to show me
that she knows, that she's interested.

And then I was like wow -
this is so sad.

Because caring must not be shown.
It is a weakness.

Yes.

You've always had the courage
to run away.

You have had the courage
to do something else.

This is something I admire so much

and what I have never dared to do.

There was hugging, yes,

putting hands around the neck
and kissing too.

Nothing but a kiss was allowed.

Mother explained:

"You can sleep with a boy
but you can't give yourself to him!"

"Don't let the boy touch you
where he doesn't need to!"

If at that time a girl had a child,
it was a great shame.

In a way

the Earth's ability
to produce food is a resource.

The female body
is also seen as a resource.

Women's ability to give birth
has been seen as a resource.

Do you think men should have any say
on the decision of give birth or not?

This decision should be
only up to the women.

What women want to do with their body
should only be up to them.

There should be no say from anybody

whether you should have more
or any children.

Have you ever had an abortion?
- Yes, once.

How old were you?
- In my early twenties.

I have also had an abortion.

With me it was like this.

I really loved one boy.

And then I got pregnant.

I was so happy when
I found out I was pregnant.

I invited this boy to visit me.

I thought this was such good news -

and then I told him.

He got silent
and after a while he said...

he has to go drinking
with his friends now.

And that...

...that he doesn't want this baby.

If I give birth,
I have to deal with everything myself.

He doesn't want to see
this child at all.

And I felt like everything
broke inside me.

And then I was too scared
to give birth.

I found out there was
some kind of abortion pill.

It was in Finland then.

In Estonia, some kind of old-school
abortion was performed,

where you could become infertile.
I was afraid of it.

And then I told my boyfriend

to at least pay for the abortion.

A lump came out
in some toilet in Helsinki.

A man can give you money,
but you have to go through it.

And you sit in a toilet
or at the doctor's office still alone.

I think many men don't know that
their wives have had an abortion.

For sure...

My mother has had, for example...

several abortions...

But she's still ashamed,
she doesn't dare to say it.

I am also ashamed.

d Oh you dear cheater-groom! d

d You deceived the mother
and father-in-law! d

d You deceived their young daughter! d

d You promised to carry her
in a carriage! d

d You promised to swing her
in the cradle! d

I have been thinking about
the choices we have as women.

My grandmother never said it herself,

but I heard about it later.

She was so badly beaten
by her husband.

By my grandfather, whom I have
never met because he died earlier.

He used to beat her
by banging her head against the floor.

Once her ribs were broken
and she was taken to the hospital.

And her mental health...

All the huge post-war famine...

Those late 1940s, 1950s...

Collective farms...
All these conditions...

So what are your options?

Even when grandfather
took another woman

to live with them
in the same house,

even then grandmother still...

She remained single
after he was already dead.

She still visited his grave
from time to time and...

As my grand-aunt said that...

grandmother was crazy about this man.

Everyone warned her about him -

he was a womanizer and a drunkard.

But yes - it's interesting...

Grandmother had made her choice
in favor of this man.

And it was such a final choice.

You can be beaten
or even beaten to death.

Hair gets too hot otherwise.
You can hear them crackling.

Thank you.

You were sleeping.

There were many blankets
and the abundance of bedding...

And...

Lord, how beautiful you were.

I hoped you'll stay asleep.

I brought paper and a pen
and I drew you.

You slept like that,
hand under your chin.

I drew you.

And now I've discovered

that it is the most comfortable
position for sleeping.

I even roll the blanket here.

If I have exactly 15 minutes
to sleep during a day,

then this is the position where I can
really fall asleep immediately.

And when I gave you that picture,
even then I was afraid that...

How do you like it
or do you consider it important?

I don't really remember how it...

how did it all happen like this...

probably quite tipsy.

But I remember kissing you

or you kissed me
or we kissed each other.

But how did it happen?

By the way, I also don't remember
how it first happened.

Maybe we were tipsy.

It seemed to me that...

That okay, that in fact
you like men, and...

And I was so afraid of getting hurt.

That it turns out to be just a game...

...for you.

And I didn't have any...
it was definitely not a game.

But I didn't understand whether it was
anything more than trying it out.

I actually still do not really know...

We have those concepts
so strongly in front of us,

that who should offer you intimacy
and who is the one you should miss.

We all long for intimacy,

but do we dare to let in that

what seems, well, unusual?

Do we recognize in that moment
what we want?

Do you mean
that you had this strong concept,

that only a man and a woman
should be together?

Yes, and I don't know
if I still have it.

I don't know...

Well, I don't feel a huge urge
to experiment

but I do know,
that I have seen you in my dreams.

Breaking up was a very big sin.

I don't know anyone
who would have divorced around here,

never even heard of it.

Those who got married,
even if there were difficulties...

Quarreled and fought
till they finally reconciled.

And they lived together until death.

My neighbour over the hill,

his wife died and he asked me,

"Dear Mari, will you come to wash her?

I already heated the sauna
to warm the water."

Who washes the dead with warm water?
I have never heard of it before!

But he had never dealt
with the dead before,

he thought the wife should be washed
with warm water.

I've washed so many dead people.

I guess I have, I don't know...

Those are called to wash the dead...

who are brave and not afraid.
But some fear the dead

and they don't want to touch the dead.

Forty days the soul of the dead
is at home.

And sees everything.

Forty days were about to pass
after my husband's death.

Forty days was over
and it was evening.

While I was sleeping in bed,
I opened my eyes

and my husband
was standing next to me

wearing the same clothes
in which he was buried.

He looked at me and I was so happy -
a smile came on my face.

"Well, aren't you dead?"
I asked...

As I looked he disappeared.

Feel it. Is it suitable?

Yes, it is.

Dear spirits, now its your turn...

...come wash yourselves.

If you do a spirits sauna...

I don't dare to call my mother.

Because I feel
she might get upset with me.

I have had close experience
with death in my life.

I have my own relationship with death.

I was 39 years old
when I became pregnant.

It was the second time in my life.

My first child was already big.

There was a new love in my life.

We were both very much
looking forward to this baby.

There were a few days left
until the due date.

When I went to bed at night
I remember the feeling -

strange, she hasn't
moved for a long time.

But I thought it's okay,
she's just sleeping.

I thought let's go to the hospital
and check just to calm our hearts.

And then there is this moment
when the woman...

...who is on your belly
with the device says nothing.

But you look at her and you know...

When the baby is dead inside you,
then childbirth must be induced.

It's clear that this child
won't come out on her own anymore.

This induction process
takes quite a long time -

at least in my case
it lasted quite a long time.

All night and all day.

I remember at some point
when that pain came

then I just screamed.

When my first child was born,
then I didn't make a sound.

It seemed weird somehow
or I just couldn't do it.

Now it was like
the only thing I could do.

In the end,
childbirth is like childbirth.

Every woman who has given birth
knows this feeling

that at some point
you're somewhere in the zone.

And in that sense
it doesn't really matter

whether you're giving birth
to a living or a lifeless child.

This zone is still the same,
when childbirth begins to approach

or the child begins to come out.

At one point the pain is simply over.

Then I remember
when that baby was put on my lap.

This baby was very beautiful -
she was still warm.

And then slowly...

She started to get colder...

and colder.

Doctors say that...

...if your baby has died in the womb,
it's best to give birth to it yourself

and not to have a C-section.
Many women argue against it -

that it's hard enough,
why do you still have to give birth?

I'm actually glad I gave birth,

because the pain
that you feel during the birth

will finally begin to work for you.

So when it's all over,

some part of this pain
is already burnt or dissolved.

Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

What has to go, should go...

Out! Off-off, get out now!

Clean the child!

So be it...

Water, take the pain away�

Water, take the pain away�

Now it's called a period,

when I was a child
it was called 'your illness'.

I had my first period, and then I...

My mother was so silly that
she didn't explain about the illness..

I saw something start
to flow out of me

and I went behind the door
and began to weep,

that now I run out of blood
and that's it.

I guess I didn't even have
any panties on then.

I cried there and mother asked:

"Why are you crying, baby,
here at the door?"

Mother saw what was wrong
and said: "Oh!"

"Dear child, it's nothing wrong,
you're becoming a woman now!"

"Now that your sickness has started!"

Then you become a woman,

until your illness you were a child.

How were you told?
Were you told...

My grandmother always said to me
to go wash my wee-wee.

And it was so absolutely embarrassing.

Sometimes she said it in front of
my grandfather and it was so awful.

I was a little girl,
but somehow I was so embarrassed.

Where does such
embarrassment come from?

Do you remember?
- I do.

Was it so?
- I was also embarrassed about it.

But what do you tell your daughters?
- Fluffy.

Fluffy?
- Yes.

I think it's pussy. I say pussy.

I also say pussy.

Pussy... I can't say wee-wee,
because with this I have...

Completely...
- But this - wash your underparts?

It was awful! I hate it!

Exactly! That was so horrible!

Yeah, wash your underparts.
My underparts are all clean!

And you have to report
to your grandmother or mother.

I remember, for example -
I had a grandmother

and her ideal was a pure woman -
a woman must be pure.

I remember, I was 4 or 5 years old,
she took me outside

and we started talking,
that it is very important

that a woman does not have
loose pants.

And then I thought,
what if I'm wearing a dress?

I didn't understand what that meant.

Okay, why not?
Loose - so your pants fall off?

Yes, they fall off.

Well and then you may...
that you have to keep it.

What do I have to keep?
You have to keep your purity.

What do you mean, purity?
Like I'm washing myself?

Then she said that virginity
is a woman's most important asset,

it must be kept very carefully.

And I imagined,
after all, every girl imagines it,

what is it like - the first time?

That there's a boy,
who loves me very much.

And then it happened, that instead
some disgusting old man raped me.

How did you get to this old man?

When I was 16 or 17,

anyway, I was hitchhiking,

and then...

Then I was picked up by an old man
and he seemed very friendly.

He was joking
and the radio was playing.

There was a song about roses
by Mati Nuude.

I even started singing along.

So yeah, very nice.

And then he said:
"Oh, I need to get some gas."

"I'll take you further,
but I need to get gas."

And then he turned
towards some village.

And I thought - okay.

Then he drove and at one point,
when he turned away,

I suddenly had this feeling
in my stomach, that oh crap.

And then he turned to a forest road.

Then I realized I was in deep shit.
This is not a gas station.

Thoughts started to rush like crazy,
what am I going to do now...

Then he stopped at some house
and went out.

I wanted to go out the door
and I realized,

that there in the back where I sat,
these doors do not open.

That they are made so
that I can't get out.

And then I hear the barking of dogs.

There were 3 or 4 large dogs
around the car,

and I was terribly afraid of dogs.

The dogs were growling around the car
and I thought oh shit!

I can't drive,
my mind was working like crazy.

Dogs are all around, what can I do?

This is not real,
it's not happening to me.

This happens in the movies,
it doesn't happen to me.

The man went to that house
and then he comes out and I'm thinking,

maybe he's coming back behind the wheel
and we just drive on.

But no, this guy is already
approaching my door,

and he opens that door
and he has a knife in his hand.

I started telling him
that my father is a tough cop

and that I should call him,
because he worries.

And the man says:
"No he's not, hush little birdie!"

And then I like...

I try to push him away.

This guy now gets my precious asset!

And then...

Then I thought,
it really doesn't matter,

I want to survive, I want to live.

I have something to say
and give to the world,

I don't care about this precious asset.

Then I looked out the car window,
I looked at those trees and the forest.

And then I just spoke to God,

that please, I want to survive.

That sorry God, I don't care
about this precious asset of a woman.

Because I just want to survive.

Then I just prayed and at one point
I was no longer fighting back.

I thought I don't care,
he has a knife and I don't want to...

Then I thought
that if he stabs me with that knife,

what can he do? He can cripple me.

He can make me ugly.

And then no one wants me anymore,

when my face is made ugly!
I don't care!

And then, at one point,
he started to feel sorry for me.

And then he said: "There-there,
don't be like this now, it's nothing."

"If you want, let's go to the cottage,
there is a beautiful, comfortable bed."

"I'll show you how it's really done,
this car is not the best place."

And then he got some gasoline,
I don't know from where he got it.

Then drove me by the road somewhere.

He opened the door, so I got out
and then he still wanted to kiss me.

He said: "Maybe we'll meet again?"

Such a bastard!

And then I...

I ran away from him.

No, I didn't run right away.

I was there at the roadside saying:
"No, I'm going to hitchhike home now."

Then he drove away
and I was just trembling in the ditch.

That story actually goes on.

I'm trembling in the ditch there,
and then another car comes,

two men in it,
they noticed me in the ditch.

They asked, if I need any help?

And I'm trembling there,

that yes, I do need help,
I need to get home.

They picked me up and asked:

"Why are you trembling,
pretty birdie?"

I thought I was ugly,

but in fact I got a lot of compliments
at the time, I was skinny.

But I really hated myself.

Anyway -
"Why are you trembling, little birdie?"

And then I said that a man raped me.

They said: "Oh fuck, that is bad."

"You need cognac!"

They took me to a house somewhere

and gave me some whiskey or cognac,
made me drink it.

Then one of them
sat in the back seat next to me

and began to put his hands around me.

And he started to touch me.

And then he was kissing me.

And he said:

"Hey, everything's okay now!
It's done!"

"Now that your virginity is gone,
you can start living life!"

And then I...

I was so confused,
I found myself kissing him back.

And later I thought, what was that?
I kissed him back,

and I let him touch me,
that now everything is gone.

I can't say...
I don't even know what happened.

But I let him do everything.

Anyway,
when they finally took me home,

then my mom...

At first I didn't say anything.

But after a while I told my mother
that such a thing happened.

I told her I was raped
and she did not believe it.

"You were raped?"

"Listen, come up with something better,
to get attention."

I don't know if she didn't believe
that I...

Did she really think I was so ugly
that I'm not even suitable for rape?

That's what I thought.

A few years later, I saw on TV
how two girls had been abducted

and they were tortured
and raped for several days.

Luckily they were able to escape,
they would probably have been killed.

I saw it in the police news
and then I saw my rapist there.

And then I realized

that I was very close to being killed.

I don't know if that prayer helped...

I want to protect my daughter
from all this!

But how to do it?
How can I do that?

d We sweat out all this pain!
We sweat out all that fear! d

d Sweat it out, out, out! d

d Pain out! Pain out! Pain out! d

d Out! Out! Out! d

d Out! d

TO ALL MY SISTERS

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d We thank the effort d

d of the sauna keeper! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d We thank the water bearer d

d and the whisk maker! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d For you have nourished d

d the birch tree... d

d ...and blessed the waters! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d Thank you dear fire, d

d thank you dear stones! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d All our pain to the cold water! d

d All our fears to the cold water! d

d We thank you, we thank you! d

d Dear Smoke Sauna, you sacred place! d

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