Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(siren blaring)

(ball swishing)

(funky disco music)

♪ Defense

♪ Outside

♪ Double dribble

(cackling laughing)

(crashing)

- [Photographer] Everybody move in a little, please.

And you, stop fooling with those balls.

("Taps" playing)

- I wonder how this is going to

affect the turnout of tonight's game.

- Welcome to Watergate.

This is the voice of the Plumbers, Dick Airhead.

It's gonna be a cool time in the old gym tonight.

How do I know?

Because there's a fan in every seat.

(laughs)

Boy, was that fanny.

- [Cheerleaders] We've lost our captain Tate,

we'll win one for dear old Watergate!

We'll try real good!

We'll try real hard!

To prove we're not emotionally scarred!

Whoo!

- Popcorn!

- Good time, great price, good time!

- Feelings, nothing more than feelings.

Feelings that I've never had before.

Tonight's the night, everything's gonna be alright.

And say, did you happen to see

the most beautiful girl in the world?

And if you did, was she crying?

Well, I don't know, brother, but I'm tellin' you

there's gonna be some tears flowin' in there tonight

when the Plumbers drain the Gators.

Because those Plumbers don't play on a court,

they play on guts, guts!

(laughs)

There you have it from the Haltster himself.

Couldn't have said it better.

Look out, ladies and gentlemen, here come the boys in blue!

New team captain, number 1701, William "High Top" Kirk.

- Way to go, way to go!

- [Dick] Number negative 9, Joseph Krunch!

- Nice shot!

- Numero uno man, the man they call Awesome.

Star guard 78, Georges Town.

Sink a basket, punk!

Explosive forward number 13, Lucky Luke.

- Hey, Debbi, how about doing dinner?

- Hey, Lucky, how about getting lost?

- Aw, come on, Debbi.

What's a guy gotta do to get a date with you?

- Become captain, I only date captains.

- Okay.

- Yay!

- What an impressive display of warming up.

Those Gators are certainly going to need

a lot of aid out there as those reptiles crawl

out of the swamp and onto the court.

Number 12...

- High Top, what do you think our chances of winning are?

- Well, let me put it to you this way, Dean Marks.

Every player on this team has one thing

and one thing only on their minds.

And that's scoring.

I taught 'em everything I know.

How to make passes, how to get in there,

get the shot off, and get the hell out quickly.

I showed 'em one on one situations.

I've showed 'em two on one situations.

And I've showed 'em three on one situations.

Yeah, these players are hard and they're ready.

I even showed 'em how to turn a few tricks.

- Good job, King.

- Well thank you, ma'am.

- Number 9, the Claw!

♪ The claw, the claw

♪ For nothin' but grabbin'

♪ Amazing, that was for dabbing and stabbing ♪

♪ I'm a mean masochistic

♪ Blockin' machine

♪ If you're on the court

♪ You're gonna get creamed

- Go on, Tiger, go get 'em.

(clapping)

- Excuse me, Coach.

Could I have a word with you?

- How about semiconductor?

- Coach, it's about my playing for the team.

This is my last year and I was kind of hoping--

- Look Stan, everybody on this team has a job to do.

Now I know being equipment manager

may not seem all that important,

and on the grand scale of things, it's probably not,

but don't let that discourage you.

Because remember, if you weren't doing it,

we'd probably have to get someone else.

I want you to remember that.

Hey, that a way, come on!

- [Cheerleaders] Come on, boys, it's not too late!

Throw some points for Watergate!

If you win and show real class,

we'll give you all a piece of cake!

Yay team, whoo!

- May the best man... (laughs)

(referee laughs)

- I hate when that happens!

(rock rap music)

♪ You know what the game is

♪ You know the rules

- [Crowd] Plumbers, Plumbers!

♪ Got to dribble like a fool

♪ Be dribblin' in the driveway

♪ Be dribblin' at school

♪ Dribble on the courts

♪ Gonna dribble in school

♪ Dribble for the girls

♪ 'Cause they make us drool

♪ Dribble in our shorts

♪ 'Cause we love this sport

♪ G-A-T-O-R-S, Gators, Gators

- He looks unstoppable!

The Plumbers are moving the ball around.

They're working their magic on the court.

Georges is in the clear, the pass,

the shot, ooh off the rim!

(crowd cheering)

(buzzer ringing)

And that's half time and what a half time it was.

It's anybody's game so stay tuned!

We'll be back with the half time show

right after these important messages.

Recent death in the family?

(laughs)

Don't sigh while saying goodbye, call Happy's.

Happy's Funeral Home provides a complete range

of funerals from the no-frills, flip top

and into the box special to the deluxe

cathedral send-off complete with a 64 piece choir,

stretch limo and the high-ranking clergy of your choice.

Happy's has the funeral to fit your budget

and, as always, midgets half price.

Oh, thank you, that's very nice.

This week Happy's features a two for one sale on headstones.

Happy's for all your undertaking needs.

For a free brochure call 1-800-462-DEAD.

Happy's, a family tradition since 1988.

- Last time I seen faces like yours

was on the court 51 seconds ago.

What's the matter, boys?

Come on, you can tell me, I'm the coach.

Which is the next best thing to being your father.

Which is the next best thing to being your mother.

Which is the next best thing to being your cousin.

Which is the next best thing to being a total stranger.

So you can see that anything you tell me

will stay between you and me and me and you.

Come on, spill it, it ain't going nowhere.

- It is Rosalie Flynn, sir.

I didn't mean to get her pregnant.

- The Rosalie Flynn, biology major?

Room 218?

- That's the one.

- Tough break.

Just a sec.

- Newsflash.

(beeping)

Watergate's own second string player,

Pronto Webster, may not be playing a lot lately

on the court but he's been definitely

playing a lot off of it, as a pregnant biology major,

Rosalie Flynn, Room 216, can attest to.

Remember, you heard it here first.

- Crying shoulder.

Alright, is that it, guys?

- It's Tate, Coach.

- Tate, Tate, why does that name ring a bell?

- Captain Tate, Coach.

You know, he was found dead this morning?

- Oh, sure, good man, great player, poor temper.

I've seen him lose his head over nothing.

What about him?

- He was a close friend of ours, Coach.

- Hey, I can relate.

I lost a close friend once.

- Did you, Coach?

- Yeah, for about an hour, but I found him in another bar.

But for that hour I walked around with

a great shadow and a rigid frown.

But I got over it and so can you.

Now, I want you to go out there and give it your all.

We need to get ahead.

And in order to do that you gotta hold onto yours.

Got it?

Alright, remember, heads up!

- Time up, Coach!

- What are you talking about?

It's only been seven and a half minutes.

We're supposed to get 15!

- It's halftime, Coach.

- Oh, sorry, I forgot.

- Plumbers.

- [All] Plumbers!

- Let's go, come on!

(yelling)

- Coach gave you a hard time, huh?

- Hi, Becky.

Yeah, sorta, nothing new.

- Why won't he let you play, Stan?

- I guess I'm not good enough.

- Why?

I've seen you practice.

You're better than half those guys out there.

- Coach doesn't think so.

- Are you telling me that the only way you're gonna

make the team is if everyone else drops dead?

- Looks that way.

- Well, that's not fair.

I wouldn't stand for it.

I'd tell the coach to play me or else.

- I wish I had your confidence, Becky.

- Confidence is something you gotta work on.

- Yeah, I suppose you're right.

If my dad didn't want me to play so bad, I'd quit.

- Your dad puts that kind of pressure on you?

- No, but I feel I'll disappoint him if I don't.

I think it's more important to him than he lets on.

It's always been that way.

I've never been good enough at anything.

- You wanna talk about it?

- Nah.

It all started when I was a little kid.

I lost a spelling bee in grade two.

I came in second.

You should have seen the way my father looked at me.

That day after school when he came to get me,

that's when things started going from bad to worse.

(loud rock music playing)

- I'm sure everything's gonna work out, Stan.

Remember, confidence is the key.

- But how do you get it?

- Stan, what are you standing around here for?

Quick, go find Coach.

He's off someplace and it's a crucial point in the game.

What are you staring at?

Why don't you go hang upside down on that tree over there.

(hissing)

- Coach, is that you?

It's a crucial part in the game and the guys,

they don't know what play to use!

- [Coach] How come there's never any toilet paper in here?

Listen, kid...

- What did the coach say?

- He said, use the toilet paper play.

- Right, the toilet paper play!

- Of course, the toilet paper play!

- What the hell is the toilet paper play?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean you don't know?

You're supposed to know!

- Yeah, you're the equipment manager!

- Alright, what is going on here?

Why aren't you guys out there winning?

- We don't know what the toilet paper play is.

- The what?

I told Stan the Ellis Island play!

Now go to it!

High Top, High Top!

Listen, I want you to go out there and be

the Statue of Liberty, lead this team to victory.

- You can count on me, Coach.

- So, that's how you get even, Bates?

Promise you one thing, I won't forget.

By the way Bates, did you get that roll of tissue paper?

(players yelling)

- High Top is charging for the net

with only seconds left on the clock.

What speed!

He's just a blur moving down the court!

(jazzy music)

(gun firing)

And that shot ends the game, another zero

in the win column for Watergate extending

the Plumbers losses to four, five, what is it, six years?

Defeat is never easy, but who's to blame?

If we're gonna take credit for life's wins

isn't it also our responsibility to accept the losses?

I'd say not, but it's not my place

as a professional sports announcer to allow

my personal biases or opinions to get in the way

of what is supposed to be objective reporting!

But that doesn't stop me from

telling you what I think, okay?

High Top blew it and if it was up

to me (laughs) I'd kill him!

But it's not my place, I'm just a fan.

Nice outfit, High Top!

- Dean Marks, let me extend my condolences on behalf

of Greenfield College over your tragic loss.

- Why, thank you, Dean Cook.

- Please, call me Vince.

- Of course, Mr. Cook.

Captain Tate was the finest basketball

player Watergate has ever known.

- Oh, that tragedy!

Oh, I was referring to the thrashing

that my boys gave yours on the court.

Looks like it's a foregone conclusion when the Gators

meet the Plumbers next week for the big game.

Of course, if you'd like to pull out now

to save your team from further

humiliation I understand completely.

- Don't count your basketballs

before they're dunked, Mr. Cook.

- So you really believe that the Plumbers have a chance

to beat the Gators when they meet for the big game?

Oh, Principal Marks, if you were a betting woman.

(chips clattering)

- Loser flies, the other school's flag?

- (laughs) Come now, what we need is

something slightly more permanent.

- [Dean Marks] Like what?

- Like um, like a tattoo.

- Of what?

- [Dean Cook] Well, that would be for the winner to decide.

- Where?

- That also will be determined by the victor.

All we need now is a little exposure,

say during the big parade?

Loser rides the other team's float.

- Okay, I can live with that.

- [Dean Cook] Naked.

- Naked?

Why, that's the most ridiculous subplot I've ever heard of!

- Dean Marks, have you no confidence in your team?

- Of course, I do.

- Then we have a bet.

- Yes, absolutely.

- My, such soft hands you have.

- Let go of my hand!

- How about coming over to my place for dinner this evening?

- I wouldn't sleep with you, Dean Cook,

if you were the last man on earth!

- On behalf of the team I'd just

like to tell you your number is up.

- Well, young man, what do you have to say for yourself now?

Save it!

Those may be your last words.

- I can't be seen with you.

Now who am I gonna date?

- Ow!

- High Top, what are you still doing here?

Hit the showers!

- But, Mama!

- You're a one man team, you never miss.

You're a one man team, you never miss a basket.

You never miss.

You're a one man team, you never miss.

You're a one man team, you never miss a basket.

You never miss.

One man team, never miss a basket.

One man team, one man...

(mysterious music)

(tires screeching)

(thudding)

- Son, I'm home.

Son?

- [Stan] Down here.

- Hey son, looks fun.

Mind if I join you?

- [Stan] Sure.

- So, how'd the game go last night, champ?

- We lost.

Coach wouldn't let me play.

- He wouldn't, huh?

Well, don't let it get you down.

Your time will come.

Just keep doing your best.

Promise me, come on!

- Okay, I promise.

- That's a man!

So, what do you say to a little

game of one on one before supper?

- Sure, Dad.

- [Dad] Alright!

(jazzy music)

(thudding)

(cackling)

(ominous music)

(screaming)

(whistling)

- Hi, Doc.

Look, they just brought in one of my players

and I want you to be straight with me.

Don't pull any punches.

Shoot right from the hip, I can take it.

I want the whole story, the big picture,

don't beat around the bush.

I want you to level with me.

Will that boy ever be able to play basketball again?

- You mean the kid in Room 222 with no hands?

- Yeah.

- Nah, he'll never be able to play basketball again.

- What are you trying to tell me, Doc?

That that boy will never be able to play basketball again?

- Yeah.

- Well, when you find something out, will you let me know?

Yo, High Top!

- [High Top] Coach, what are you doing here?

- Well, I just thought I'd stop by

and see how my star player's doing.

So, how you doing?

- Things could be better.

- Things could be worse.

I remember during the Depression I was coaching

a high school basketball team in Oklahoma.

Took 'em all the way to the Dust Bowl that year.

Had a player on the team by the name of Lefty Jones.

He had only two fingers on his right hand.

(laughs)

- Then why'd they call him Lefty?

- That was his name.

He scored 44 points in one game, then he was hit by a truck.

Just goes to show, smoking's bad for your health.

- Smoking?

- Yeah, he was crossing the street

to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Brought you a little something, High Top.

- A puzzle?

Thanks, Coach.

- Don't mention it.

It's all part of my job.

- Did you hear the news?

- Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

- It's scary, isn't it?

- No kidding, it could happen to any of us.

- Oh, don't say that.

- Who knows?

One of us could be next.

- Come on, guys, let's change the subject, I'm eating.

- Frankly, I don't know how you could

be eating at a time like this.

- Debbi, life goes on.

- For some of us, Krunch.

- Hey water boy, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be filling buckets or something?

- I'm no water boy, I'm equipment manager.

- [Players] Oohh.

- Listen, I just came down here

to deliver a message from the Coach.

It's for you, Krunch, sign here.

He wants to see you, pronto.

- Oh, sit down, Pronto.

He means me.

- Then, what did he say me for?

- It's just an expression.

- Coach is making you acting captain.

- Alright!

(romantic music)

- It looks like you're really in bad shape.

- Well, if the Gators perform as well as you do,

looks like the game belongs to the Plumbers.

- Dean Marks, you misunderstood.

I was referring to the tragedy befallen your man High Top.

Please, come back to bed.

- I wouldn't have dinner with you

if you were the last man on earth!

(ominous music)

- Those guys are gonna regret the day

they ever met Stanley Bates.

- [Man On Tape] I want you to lie down.

Now, relax, take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Clear your mind of all thoughts.

Now, I want you to picture yourself being

the confident individual you've always dreamt you could be.

Hold this picture, lock it into your mind.

Relax, close your eyes.

You are that individual you always wanted to be.

You are, you are, you are!

You are getting sleepy.

You are drifting off into a deep, deep, a very deep sleep.

You are, in fact, asleep.

Good, now each time you hear the following word

during the course of your waking day you will become

that confident person you always dreamt you could be.

Are you ready?

Good.

Now, the magic word is--

- [Dad] Turn off the stereo!

- [Man On Tape] Got it?

We'll repeat it one more time.

- [Dad] Turn off the stereo.

("Taps" playing)

- I gotta hand it to High Top.

Makes team captain and gets his number

retired all in the same week!

Some guys have all the luck.

(whistle blowing)

- Alright, alright enough lollygagging.

We've got two games left in order

to tune the Watergate Plumbers into

a lean, mean point-scoring machine.

- Well, how we gonna do that, Coach?

- Good question, I see you're on the ball.

Gentlemen, take a look before you.

What you're about to see will revolutionize

the game of basketball as you know it.

- What is it, Coach?

(laughs)

- My piece of resistance.

Your secret weapon.

I've developed a play that is so ingenious,

so far ahead of its time, so impeccably crafted

and well thought out that we may never lose again.

I've condensed it into 48 simple moves.

- 48?

- Amazed, eh?

Step forward, boys and prepare to be enlightened.

Gentlemen, I give you King Lear.

- [Lucky] Why do you call it King Lear?

- Because it's a great play!

- Hi Stan, what's up?

You look down.

- Same old story.

- You wanna talk about it?

- Nah.

It all started when I was in grade two.

- Stan, you already told me.

- Did I tell you about the spelling bee?

- Yeah.

- Little league?

- Uh-huh.

- Junior high?

- You mentioned it.

- Boy scouts?

- No.

- Darn, shoulda joined.

- Now, that's it boys, lookin' good.

Lookin' real good.

- Listen Becky, ever since our talk the other day

I've been working on building up my inner self.

- Your inner self?

- My confidence.

- Can I ask how?

- Yeah, but you have to promise me you won't laugh.

- [Becky] I do.

- Hypnotism.

- I see.

- [Stan] And it works.

- So you tried it?

- Well, not really.

I don't have enough confidence to even try it,

but I know it's there I can feel it.

- Get those feet in there, let's go, kick it out.

- How do you summon this inner self-confidence?

- All I have to say is the magic word and then presto,

I'm a whole new man just dripping with confidence.

You name it and I can do it.

- What's this word that will unleash this other you?

- I can't remember.

I lost the cassette.

- The cassette?

- Yeah, never mind.

- So you really believe if you can recall

this word that you lost on a cassette

you'd have total confidence in yourself?

- I'd be a whole new man, I have a guarantee.

- [Becky] Where's the guarantee?

- On the back of the cassette.

- Stan, I don't mean to sound pessimistic,

but confidence is something that comes

from inside you and not on a cassette.

- You really think so?

- Yes, I think you should walk up to the coach

and demand that he gives you a chance to prove yourself.

- Lookin' good boys, lookin' real good.

- You really think so?

- Yeah.

- Let's go and ha, let's go and ha!

Lookin' real good.

Lookin' good.

- Coach, I'd like a word with you.

- How about poodle?

- Coach, I demand a tryout.

- You, a lowly equipment manager?

A pathetic, (laughs), you who are lower down

on the evolutionary scale than a slug?

You demand a tryout?

Well, okay.

- Great!

- Say, August 1997?

(laughs)

Lookin' good!

- Stan, are you alright?

- Just leave me alone!

- Come on, back flip, it's supposed to be a back flip!

- Sign here, Coach.

- Sure, science teacher Wilson.

Wait a minute, I make it a policy never to sign

a document unless I know exactly what's in it.

So what's in it?

- It's a petition.

- Well, I'm sure you understand my cautiousness.

My father signed away our three story bungalow one night.

- Thanks Coach, you don't know how important it is

to have your signature on this petition.

- Why is that?

- Because this petition calls for the complete

eradification of basketball in the school system!

(yelling)

- Come on, guys, let's go!

- What's the matter, Georges?

You've been dragging your heels all night.

- Coach has been on my back the whole game.

- Listen, no excuses.

It's my debut as captain.

Ain't nobody but me gonna screw it up.

You got it?

Plumbers.

- [All] Plumbers!

- [Coach] Hustle, hustle, come on, let's go!

We gotta game to win!

- It's the final quarter and what a close game it is.

I'd say Watergate's definitely outplaying them.

- This may be your lucky day, son.

You may just get to play.

- I don't think so, Dad.

- Well, it says here that one of your players was injured.

His loss may be your gain.

So cheer up, son!

- With High Top gone this team lacks height.

Where, where, think Coach, where can I find

a player with that kind of height?

- Coach, your house burnt down.

All your belongings were shipped to this new address.

- Don't bother me with trivia.

I've got more important things on my mind.

The King Lear play, guys, King Lear.

- What're you doing, Krunch?

- What's it look like, Awesome?

- What about secret play?

- What about it, Awesome?

(gun firing)

- Come clean, guys, gimme the real story.

What went wrong out there tonight?

- What, you mean who.

- I'll tell you in one word, Krunch.

- Are you telling me that you feel Krunch is responsible

for the Plumbers most recent defeat, Awesome?

- You can quote me on that.

- Alright, alright stop looking

at each other girls, time to dry down.

- Coach, can I have a word with you?

- Gendarme.

- Um, what went wrong out there tonight, Coach?

- What, you mean who.

- Ah, so you blame Krunch, too.

- No, not at all.

- Then who, Coach?

- The mascot.

- But Watergate doesn't have a mascot.

- See, that's the problem.

- Coach, can I have a word with you?

- You people are really pushing it.

Okay, how about capitalism?

- I have a few things I want to discuss with you.

Is there someplace quiet we can go?

- I know just the place.

- So, what'll it be, Coach?

- I'll have a brandy Alexander and the lady will have...

- Water.

- Haven't you had enough?

But I guess that's none of my business.

So, what did you want to talk to me about, Dean Marks?

Thanks, Alexander.

(punching)

- The other day, based on your evaluation

of the team's ability, which I trusted implicitly,

much to my chagrin, I made a bet.

(laughs)

- Shame on you, Dean Marks.

Has Pete Rose taught you nothing?

- I stand to lose a lot if I lose this bet!

- [Coach] How much loot did you wager?

- Not money, Coach!

It's something much more precious to me.

- Not your collection of lizard skin handbags?

- [Dean Marks] No.

- Are they safe?

- [Dean Marks] Yes.

- Thank God!

- You don't seem to understand, Coach!

I don't intend to lose.

- What are you trying to say?

- That your job is on the line.

- I know that, on the sidelines.

What does it have to do with the bet?

- Do anything you have to, but don't lose!

Because if I lose, Coach, you do, too.

- Are you trying to say that you don't intend

to lose and that I should do anything

I have to to see to it that you don't?

That my job is on the line and if you lose so do I?

- Precisely.

- And uh,

you're sure the handbags are safe?

(ominous music)

- Geez, you should know better than to sneak up on a guy.

See you brought a ball.

How about a game of one on one?

You can start.

Well come on, you know the rules.

Pass me the ball so I can check it.

Take it easy, man.

You know, you're really starting to piss me off.

Hey, come on, eh?

What's going on, what are you doing?

Is this thing a-- (exploding)

(laughing maniacally)

- Hey, Dean Marks?

- I am Dean Marks.

- Well, if you're Dean Marks then who is he?

- I'm Howard Pauly, ambulance attendant.

- Well, why do have this need to impersonate a college dean?

- I don't.

I'm here for the body.

- What body?

- The one right here.

(Krunch groaning)

- You know, you seem to know

a lot for an ambulance attendant.

Put an APB on this guy.

- Sounds good.

- Alright, Dean Marks, or whoever you are,

I am Captain Detective Sergeant Lieutenant Danny Gibson.

This here's my partner, Mel Glover,

and we have been assigned to this case.

Mel, take a little spin around the gym,

see if you see anything suspicious

and then park it right here.

- Right here.

- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

I've been a cop most of my life

but there are still certain things

that I know I'll never get over.

- I know what you mean.

The flower of youth uprooted before

it's had a chance to blossom.

- No, color coordination.

Just take a look at those yellow socks

and them pink sneakers.

That is appalling, I wouldn't be caught dead in it.

Get him outta here!

Get him outta here!

You know, get outta here!

- Caught this guy in the boys' changing room

spray painting anti-basketball slogans

and death threats on the wall.

- What's your name, mister?

- He says his name is Wilson, science professor.

- I once knew a science professor.

Release him.

- But, but Lieutenant!

- Spray painting names on the bathroom wall

is vandalism, not our department.

Look, I know you wanna be a good cop,

but you'll get over it.

I mean, sometimes in this business

you gotta turn the other cheek.

Get your priorities straight!

We got an attempted murder here!

Now, we don't have time for this, release the painter.

Here Mel, hold that will ya?

There we go, that's right.

- Lieutenant, are you on to something?

- No, I'm just measuring the foul line.

See, I've been thinking all week,

you know, putting a little hoop

in the basement for the kids.

You know ba ding, badam, badam, badoom.

(laughs)

Yeah.

Now, according to my calculations, Mel,

the ball came from that direction right over there.

- How'd you figure that out with just one measurement?

- Simple, I watched where the ball fell.

Gimme the list of victims, come on.

Yeah, just what I thought.

Captain Tate, Captain Kirk, Captain Krunch.

Looks like the work of a serial killer.

- You mean, all the victims had something in common?

- Affirmative.

But what do you think this all means?

- They all went to the same school.

- Aside from that.

- I know, they're all on the basketball team.

- True, but will you look past the obvious?

- They were all attacked alone, after school,

in the gym, on the basketball court.

- Mel, will you learn to read the fine print?

It's right there on the page in front of you!

- I still don't get it, Danny!

- Don't feel bad, you're still a rookie,

but you'll get over it.

Three victims, two of them the second

letters of their names was vowels.

The third, nothing, now that's a strange pattern

and it threw me at first, too, but I think

what we got here is a maniac with a literary mind.

Run an APB on an english professor.

- Right.

- Let's get outta here. - Come on.

("Taps" playing)

(organ music)

- Today is a tragic day here for us at Watergate.

Mere words cannot express the tragic

sense of loss we all feel.

So we'll accompany these words with music.

Take it away, Carol Ann.

Just jump in any time.

- The, (clearing throat)

the, (clearing throat)

the Lord. (clearing throat)

The Lord has called you into his waiting room

while we sit here in our gloom.

Oh Lord, who died upon the cross,

look down upon our tragic loss

and think of some afternoon

and realize you benched Krunch too soon.

- Glad you're saying that, Carol Ann.

How about a nice round of applause for Carol Ann?

Don't give up your day job, kid.

(suspenseful jazz music)

(knocking)

- I'm Sergeant Detective Captain Lieutenant Danny Gibson.

This here's my partner Mel Glover.

And who might you be?

- I, sir, am the butler.

- Huh, tell me butler, where were you yesterday

between the hours of four and 10 p.m.?

- I was attending a family reunion.

We went over to Westmore to watch a cricket match.

I sat next to the mayor.

- How convenient!

- Master Bates, the two gentlemen

of the law here wish to speak to you.

- Run an IUD on this butler guy, I don't trust him.

- Yeah.

- Officers, what is it?

- I don't think this is a very good place to talk.

Can we go over here?

Stick close to that butler guy.

- [Mel] Four, ten.

- Join me in a drink, officer?

- No, I think we both quit.

Look, let me get to the point of my visit.

It's about that rash of crimes at Watergate.

But before we get into that will you answer me one question?

How long has that butler fella been in your employment?

- Winston's been with the family for over 37 years.

- Over 37 years, huh?

And before that?

- Well, I don't really know.

- Ah, mysterious past?

- Officer, what has my family got

to do with these unfortunate accidents?

- Perhaps nothing, perhaps something.

It's what I'm here to find out.

A little routine questioning.

See, we talked to everybody that knew

the victims except for Stanley.

Is he home?

- He's upstairs doing his homework.

- Would you have him come down for a moment?

- I hate to interrupt his studies, officer.

- Are you a fool, man?

Three kids in the hospital, one of them

probably maimed for the rest of his life

and you're worried about your kid's homework?

- Forgive me, I don't know what got into me.

- Try switching to decaf.

- Winston?

- [Winston] Sir?

- Would you go upstairs and get Stanley, please?

Here's the key.

- Thank you.

- You wanted to see me, Dad?

- Yes, son.

This gentlemen is a police officer.

He'd like to ask you some questions.

- About what?

- About the rash of crimes at Watergate, son.

- I'm going to renew my subscription

to Soldier of Fortune magazine.

- Hi, Stanley.

Did you get along well with High Top Kirk?

- Yes.

- Any problems with the other guys on the team?

- No.

- You didn't carry a grudge around in that bag

of yours because you didn't make the team, Stanley?

- No, sir.

- Who won the World Series in 1975?

- Cincinnati.

- What's the square root of 49?

- Seven.

(laughs)

- Got all the answers, don't you, kid?

- Yeah.

- Alright, that's a wrap, I'm through here.

I'll be on my way.

And you, don't leave town.

- Excuse me, everyone.

- [Awesome] Quiet everybody,

the equipment manager is speaking.

- Don't you have some water jugs to fill?

- Oh, why don't you leave the poor boy alone?

It's not his fault if he's a jinx.

- Yeah, we haven't won a game

since you were hired as water boy.

- Come on, Stan, don't listen to these guys.

Let's get out of this depressing environment.

- Alright.

- [Awesome] Wait a minute, Stan.

I thought you came down to tell us something?

- Georges, Coach says you're new team captain.

- You?

New team captain?

- And who better?

- Sorry to hear about the latest unfortunate incident.

These days being a Watergate Plumber's

about as safe as having sex.

- Very amusing.

- I got a million more.

- I'm sure you do.

- Say, I've been thinking about our bet.

Only a week to go till the big game.

Getting any second thoughts?

- What on earth for?

- Well, it seems my chances of winning

go up as your team roster goes down.

- As sick as this may sound, Mr. Cook,

there is a bright side to all this.

Whoever's responsible for removing

these average players from our team is saving

us the trouble of cutting them ourselves.

- Dean Marks, I'm shocked.

- And you'll be naked, tattooed

and quite embarrassed before too long.

- You don't mind if I turn the table on you?

It seems that you're the one that doesn't have a prayer.

If the Plumbers don't win their

next game there won't be a big game.

Not for Watergate.

- I wouldn't have dinner with you

if you were the last man on earth!

- Great, my place or yours?

- Destitute?

Secular?

Calcium?

Terrific?

Wallpaper?

Feel any different?

- No.

- Banana?

- You already said that.

- Sorry.

- Don't be.

Becky, who am I trying to kid?

This whole thing is silly.

I feel really dumb for bringing it up in the first place.

You're right, one word can't make a man.

- Stan, would you like to kiss me?

- Sure.

(loud music playing)

- Would you like to kiss me again?

- What's that?

- Would you like to kiss me again?

- What?

- Kiss!

Would you like to kiss me a second time?

- I can't hear you.

- [Becky] Turn the stereo off!

- Now, what's that you wanted from me, babe?

- I was just asking if you wanted to kiss me again.

That's all.

- Turn the stereo off.

- I'm sorry, Becky.

I don't know what came over me.

- You don't?

I mean, your feelings got the better of you, that's all.

Stan?

- Yes, Becky?

- Turn the stereo off.

(players yelling)

- Watergate is on the verge of a victory, folks.

Their first in a very long, long time.

What is on our hearts and minds

and souls at a moment like this?

Are we witnessing the planting of

a seed of a basketball dynasty?

Are we witnessing the pivotal turn

of events in the Watergate history?

The changing of the guard.

The turning of the tide.

Precious seconds remain and only time will tell.

(whistle blowing)

- Transportation problems.

Gradyville defaults, no show!

Watergate wins!

(crowd cheering)

- Way to go, Georges!

I know I made the right decision

when I made you team captain, yeah.

All my idea.

- Say, Deb, what about going out

with me now that I'm on a winning team?

- Winning isn't everything, Lucky, being captain is!

(television chattering)

- Turn back on the set, will you guys?

(television chattering)

Thank you.

(ominous music)

Why don't you drop what you're doing and come on in?

(electrical zapping)

(laughing maniacally)

(yelling)

("Taps" playing)

- Men, I want you to remember this as

a moment of strength, not a moment of sadness.

We came in together as a team, we'll go out

together as one, for better or for worse.

Now, let's bow our heads in a moment of silence.

Let's practice!

Lucky, you're new team captain.

- You mean it, Coach?

- I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

Stan, you're playing.

- You really mean it, Coach?

- Nope, just thought I'd throw in a joke

to brighten up this dismal day.

(dance music)

♪ Well I feel so good

♪ I almost lost my mind

♪ Well I feel so good

♪ I almost lost my mind

♪ I've got my baby playin' the chords ♪

♪ And my real vibe's just keepin' time ♪

- Coach, may I have a word with you?

- Aphrodisiac.

- Tomorrow's the big game, Coach!

I just thought I'd remind you

of the importance of winning it!

- I don't need any reminders, Dean Marks.

I've got it all memorized, right up here.

♪ Get me my PhD

♪ I'm going back to college

♪ Gonna get me my PhD

♪ 'Cause those heavy, heavy mamas ♪

♪ Gonna drive you crazy by degrees ♪

- Hey kids, how about doing your friendly neighborhood cop

a favor and finding someplace else to sit?

- Why don't you go and take a hike?

- I said scram! (gun firing)

Yo, Danny, found an empty table!

- Eh, good job Mel, good job.

- Thanks.

- Hey, between you and I, I gotta admit,

this case has me stumped.

What do you think?

- I think I should never have let her go.

She was everything to me, my soulmate, my pal,

my inspiration, my right hand, my babe.

God Danny, you don't get second chances in this life.

You have to appreciate it while it's there

because it never lasts forever!

If only I had known before I let her

get in the car that fateful day.

Danny, Danny, what am I gonna do?

(sobbing)

- Hey, what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

Hey, pull yourself together!

Learn to find the strength from

the little things life has to offer.

Never look back!

And always remember she's coming back

from her parents' place on Monday.

What are you sick, or what?

- You know, Debbi, some men are born great.

Others achieve greatness and still others

have greatness free-thrown upon them.

- What are you blabbing about now, Lucky?

- Feast your eyes on this!

What do you think that stands for?

- Cool!

- Close enough.

Say Deb, what do you say you and I trip the light fantastic?

- [Debbi] I'd love to.

- Who could be responsible for these crimes?

Besides the butler, we got no suspects.

- Danny, take a look at this.

Should I take him in for questioning?

- Nah, come on, freedom of speech, even for democrats.

- Off the record, Paul, who do you think done it?

- Off the record?

Who says there's only one lunatic?

- More than one lunatic?

Kind of a lunatic cult?

Off the cuff, of course.

- Of course.

Maybe not a cult but perhaps some sort of copycat killer.

Again, this is off the wall.

- Yeah, but why the basketball team?

Off the mark.

Why not the women's field hockey team?

- Understood.

But if you want to draw attention to yourself,

off the beaten track, why not go for

the most popular sport in this school?

Basketball.

- Off sides!

- Off-white.

- Maybe the lunatic was shy.

- Nah, off course.

- I told you this wasn't a father and son evening, Dad.

- Well, at least we're together, son.

- [Becky] Hi, Stan.

- Becky.

You look enchanting.

- Thanks.

- Becky, I'd like to introduce you to my Dad.

Dad, this is Becky.

- Well, where have you been hiding this one, son?

You've been holding out on me.

(thudding)

- Would you like to dance?

- Why, I'd be delighted, my dear.

- Dad, she means with me.

- Oh, gotcha.

♪ Love won't always make you happy ♪

♪ Love won't always make it right ♪

♪ Here comes the darkness

♪ Here comes the wait

♪ And all the lonely hours

♪ Before the morning light

♪ Here comes the silence

♪ It reminds me of you

♪ Echoes these footsteps

♪ Down lonely avenues

♪ Love won't always make you happy ♪

(both laughing)

- What are we doing here?

- You've never been here before?

- No, never.

- Really?

Why don't we turn it on?

- I have been.

- I was referring to the shower.

- Don't use those ones, they're broken.

Use the ones in the changing room.

- Right.

While I'm gone, why don't you slip

into something more comfortable?

Like nothing.

- Hurry back.

(water running)

- Hey!

That's not funny!

You can hurt someone like that!

Lucky, are you there?

(maniacal laughing)

Who's there?

(banging)

Hey!

(banging)

Help!

(screaming)

(snoring)

- Come on, man!

Come on, hurry up!

It's scary in here, it's dark, man.

Get that thing up!

- Just make sure no one's here.

- Just get it up, man!

You sure that's gonna work?

- It's the highest powered magnet there is.

- Are you sure it's gonna work, man?

- Guaranteed.

- [Player] Hurry up.

What are you waiting for?

Put it on!

- It's really heavy.

- [Player] It's dark man, it's scary here.

- This is one hoop.

- [Player] Is it on?

- The Claw's never gonna forget.

- Okay, let's get out of here.

Come on, come on, get down, get down.

Help me with this.

- Let's go.

- Peanuts, popcorn, peanuts, popcorn!

- A good time, cheap price!

Good time, cheap price!

- D-day, folks.

This is what we all came out for,

the big game, and it should be a doozy.

The Watergate Plumbers are up against

their arch rivals the Greenfield Gators.

The winners of today's game will be flown

to Rhode Island for the state finals.

Who will the winner be?

It's anybody's guess and that's why I brought along

Michael Jackson for a pregame summary.

Michael?

Well, you know, when the ball comes down the court

and these people do the rim shot and then

they dribble down the thing, they dribble down

the thing and then the people get...

Whoo!

- This is it, the big game.

Do you prefer roses or butterflies?

- The game has yet to begin, Mr. Cook.

- I'm not playing, no way.

That Claw's out there.

- Pronto, man, chill out.

Stinky and me have made arrangements to have them declawed.

Ain't that right, Stinky?

- Yeah, we got 'em good.

- Come on, man.

- Well, Stan, look like today's the day

you make your debut as a Plumber.

And to top it off it's the big game, too.

I told you patience is a virtue!

(sighing)

Hey Stan, you don't seem too pleased.

What is it, son?

- Is that all anybody can talk about

in this school is basketball?

What about Georges, High Top and Krunch?

Lucky and Debbi?

Doesn't anybody care about what happened to them?

- Oh, I'm sure they do, son.

And right after the big game I'm sure

they'll retire their numbers.

- They've already done that!

- Well, there you go, son.

What more could a person want?

- Yo, Bates!

Look, I know I haven't been that fair with you.

But the team needs you, Bates.

The school needs you, Bates.

I need you, Bates.

What do you say?

We're short one forward.

That's your position when you're not playing the bench.

Will you do it?

- Well, I don't Coach, this all comes as a surprise to me.

- Coach is talking to me, Dad.

- Oh, (laughs) break an ankle.

- What do you say, Bates?

Do I have to beg you?

Do I have to get down on my hands and knees

and grovel like a common sheepdog?

- Go on, Stan.

This is what you wanted, isn't it, to play for the Plumbers?

- I don't know how important it is to me anymore, Becky.

- This is the big one, Stan.

This is the big game, this is the one and only!

It's what those guys up in the rafters

gave up their shirt for.

You can't let them down.

- I suppose the Coach is right.

I owe it to the guys.

- Attaboy!

- Don't do it for anyone, Stan.

Not for your dad, for Coach, for the guys, for me,

your mother, your boss, your future wife.

Do it for you!

- [Cheerleaders] G-A-T-O-R-S, Gators,

Gators you're the best!

- Ain't you the water boy?

Look guys, they're playing the water boy!

- You got it wrong, pal.

I'm team captain!

Let's go.

(jazzy music)

- I can't wait to see this tattoo on you.

Or this one. (laughs)

- [Cheerleaders] G-A-T-O-R-S, Gators,

Gators you're the best!

(buzzer ringing)

- Look, I want you guys to use the King Lear play tonight.

- Coach, you never taught us the King Lear play,

we're second string.

- Darn, okay, okay don't panic.

The Ellis Island play, do it.

- That's High Top's play.

None of us can dunk a basketball.

- Then the toilet paper play.

Stan, do something!

- Coach, I'll try my best.

- Stan, why not try the Turn Off the Stereo play?

- Coach, I want you to try and keep

an eye on Watergate's score board.

Later, baby.

- The Turn Off the--

- You're a sucker for punishment.

Aren't you, water boy?

- Yay, alright, Stan baby!

- That's some play.

(jazzy music)

♪ Don't give up

♪ 'Cause a long shot will come around ♪

♪ The situation's messy

♪ And everybody's uptight

♪ May you chance it Stanley

♪ But don't give up the fight

(screaming)

♪ But you know you can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ But you know you can do it

♪ You're the only one can do it right ♪

♪ The dice are loaded

♪ The cards are stacked

♪ The fix is in around the track ♪

♪ You're already startin' with the biggest ♪

♪ There's no turnin' back

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ Well, you know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You're the only one can do it right ♪

♪ It's like you've been playing a losing game ♪

♪ Trying to hang in

♪ While everybody's going insane ♪

♪ Almost out of time

♪ But then not quite

♪ Situation's desperate

♪ But you don't give up the fight ♪

(crowd cheering)

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

(buzzer ringing)

- What a first half!

I've never seen anything quite like it before.

The team water boy explodes off the bench

and turns into a one man Boston Celtics.

This is a Cinder-fella story if I ever seen one!

- Stan, what has gotten into you?

- Why Coach, is there something

wrong with the way I'm playing?

- Yes!

You're playing exactly the opposite

from the way you usually play!

Keep up the good work!

Okay men, let's go all the way with this one!

- [All] Plumbers!

- Hustle up, go get 'em!

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You're the only one can do it right ♪

♪ Know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ Know you can do it

♪ You're the only one can do it right ♪

♪ Know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ Lord knows you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ You know you can do it

♪ You're the only one can do it right ♪

♪ Know you can do it

♪ You can do it

♪ Know you can do it

- This is it, folks.

Only five seconds remain on the clock.

(buzzer ringing)

(whistle blowing)

- Foul!

79 Gators!

- If Bates can sink the next two baskets

he'll take his team to their first

county championship in over 20 long years.

And once and for all, end the rivalry

between Watergate and Greenfield.

It's a tense moment, there's a lot riding on it.

The question is, does Stan Bates,

former team manager, and water boy,

and big story here tonight, does he have anything left?

(ball bouncing)

(crowd cheering)

(loud music playing)

- [Announcer] Whoever's responsible for

the loud music, please turn off the stereo.

(dramatic music)

(sighing)

(crowd cheering)

- We won, we won, we won!

I can't believe it, we won!

(laughs)

But of course, that's not for me to say.

This is, after all, supposed to be objective reporting.

We won!

- [Mel] You know what makes it even worse?

- [Danny] No.

- The fact that she's not here to comfort me.

To hold me closely to her breasts.

To stroke my hair, to whisper reassuring words in my ear.

To cook dinner.

Danny, when will this pain ever go away?

- Yeah.

When she swings by here to pick you up in about three hours.

Aha!

- [Mel] What do you got there?

- Our first substantial clue.

- [Mel] A book of matches?

- Not just a book of matches, mini-mart matches.

This joint stays open about 24 hours a day.

- [Mel] So?

- So?

You obviously don't know what this means.

- [Mel] What does it mean?

- That the mini-mart has not one, but three shifts.

And that during the course of an eight hour period

at least two of the three mini-mart

employees are unaccountable for.

(laughs)

I want you to take a run down there.

You get the names of the people

that work down there and you add 'em

to our list of potential suspects.

Freeze!

Check this out!

Do you recall a basketball player saying

that they heard the sound of dribbling

in the gym during basketball practice?

- Yeah, the Coach, the water boy and the fans heard

the noise of dribbling during basketball games.

- And those two kids in the street court

yesterday on the way over here.

They said they heard the sound

of dribbling while they were playing.

- You don't think?

- Sometimes the dribbler's our man.

You find the person that gave you this piece of evidence,

this case is solved, finished, over.

- Science teacher Wilson!

He detests basketball.

I read about it in the newspaper.

- Well, I think we better race on down there and have

a little talk with this science professor Wilson.

Before somebody else shows up hurt.

- Right!

(horn blowing)

(gun firing)

- Stan?

What are you doing here, Stan?

- You knew all along, didn't you?

- Knew what, Stan?

- The magic words.

- You mean, turn--

- Don't say it.

I proved something to myself today, Becky.

- What's that, Stan?

- That I don't need any book or any

cassette to give me confidence.

It's like you said, I've got you.

(ball bouncing)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I won.

- Oh no, look out!

(gun firing)

- Nice shot.

- Thanks.

- I'm gonna ask you this question once

and only once so you better speak the truth.

Are you the Dribbler?

- No.

- You're free to go, science professor Wilson.

Help him up.

Take care.

- But Lieutenant, what if he's lying?

- I knew a science professor once, Stan.

Hey my God, it's him, the Dribbler!

- No, that's my dad.

- No doubt the butler put him up to it.

You better come along with us, son.

- I'd rather stay here.

- Alright, but promise me one thing.

Make sure all the doors and windows

are locked and wait till I get back.

- Alright.

(sighing)

- [Becky] Stan, I can't believe

your dad would do such a thing.

He's such a sweet, gentle man.

- [Man] Neither can I.

- Who's there?

- [Man] Guess.

I'll give you a hint.

- Michael Jordan?

- No, dummy, it's me, Pop!

- [Stan] Dad?

You're the Dribbler?

- What on earth gave you that idea?

I hope it wasn't the basketball that gave me away!

- Mr. Bates, what's the chainsaw for?

- Why my dear, for cutting players from the team, of course.

- Then, you really are the Dribbler?

- No, I'm the Avon lady!

Ding dong!

(saw buzzing)

(thudding)

- Hey, hold it paisan!

That's a double dribble, Mr. Bates.

(laughs)

Did you really think for a moment that you could fool me?

How long did you think it would take before

I discovered that photo of you on the gymnasium wall?

And connect the fact that you used to play basketball

with the Plumbers several years ago.

And connect the fact that you were very disappointed

that your son didn't make the team.

And connect the fact that you were probably

gettin' rid of these guys to make room for Stanley.

The only thing I can't figure out is how

those two mini-mart workers fit in here.

- You're making a grave error, officer.

- Hey, the only one making a grave

error around here, buddy, is you!

Book 'em, Mel-o!

- [Stan] Why, Dad?

- Because I was the best basketball

player Watergate ever had!

And if you didn't make the team, well, I'd look bad.

Real bad, Stan.

- I don't get it.

Why?

Why would you want to hurt me?

- Not you, silly, her!

- Becky?

- You gotta understand, Stan.

Now that you're really a Plumber, I didn't want

anything to take your mind off of basketball.

- So you came here to split us up?

You're crazy!

- Crazy for caring about your welfare?

So I got a little carried away!

- Get him outta here!

- Supper's in the oven, Stan.

Don't be late!

And after you've finished with

your studies we'll work on your jump shot!

(melancholy music)

- I can't wait for the big parade!

I'll be right behind you.

(machine whirring)

(grunting)

- Stan, I'm so sorry.

- Good thing I was adopted.

(slow disco music)

♪ Life has its hardships, I know ♪

♪ You've had your share

♪ The going's been tough

♪ But I see you're no worse for the wear ♪

♪ Your thoughts that you felt

♪ That your dreams will never come true ♪

♪ But you never gave in, you kept on ♪

♪ Now it's all up to you

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ And I believe in miracles

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ Yes, I believe in you

♪ The moment of glory you long for is finally here ♪

♪ Take your position carefully

♪ Hold back your fear

♪ All is depending on you

♪ You must make them all cheer

♪ Just make your best shot

♪ Give all you've got

♪ Your destiny's here

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ And I believe in miracles

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ Yes, I believe in you

♪ Life has its hardships

♪ And I know you've had more than your share ♪

♪ The going's been tough

♪ But I see you're no worse for the wear ♪

♪ Your thoughts that you felt

♪ That your dreams will never come true ♪

♪ But you never gave in, you kept on ♪

♪ Now it's all up to you

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ And I believe in miracles

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ I believe in you

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ And I believe in miracles

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ Yes, I believe in you

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ And I believe in miracles

♪ Baby, you're a miracle

♪ Yes, I believe in you

(rock rap music)

♪ You know what the game is

♪ You know the rules

♪ Can't travel with the ball

♪ Got to dribble like a fool

♪ Be dribblin' in the driveway

♪ Dribblin' at school

♪ Dribble on the courts

♪ Gonna dribble in school

♪ Dribble for the girls

♪ 'Cause they make us drool

♪ Dribble in our shorts

♪ 'Cause we love this sport

♪ G-A-T-O-R-S, Gators, Gators you're the best ♪