Original subtitles

Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

So, Hank, what's with the black suit?

Someone die?

(chuckles)

Oh, right, someone did die.

Your, uh, Mom's best friend as I recall.

Well, this is awkward.

Merry Christmas?

Ripped By mstoll

That was Lottie Bonner's lawyer.

Lottie left me all her lovely antique furniture.

I'm so touched.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Uh, so your best bet is, you know, neither.

Oh, of course, I'll never be able

to get it back to Arizona.

Well, heck, Mom,

I can move that stuff out to Arizona for you easy.

Oh, but...

I will be at your door by Christmas Eve.

Heck, all I have to do is rent a moving van.

Oh, Hank, are you sure a van is big enough?

That is a big van.

I'm going to name her Wondertruck.

Hank, we want to ask you one question.

You can't come with me on the trip.

I have a follow-up question.

(all pleading)

Please let us come on Wondertruck!

The next one who asks to come won't even get to look at it.

Okay, then.

I know it's more cargo space than I need,

but, uh, well, there's a sleeper cab

so I'll save on motels

and, you know, uh...

(clears throat)

Hank, you don't have to explain to us.

Wow...

Look at all this cool stuff!

This isn't a toy, Bobby.

To a trucker, these are tools.

See, truckers are the last cowboys.

They're their own bosses making tough decisions,

winning or losing by the calls they make,

answering only to the road.

Sounds hard.

It is.

Now, how would you like

to make this trip with your old man?

Heck, yeah!

Dad, can I have permission to say "Hell, yeah"?

Just a moment.

DALE: It's such a fine night

to, uh, look at the, uh, moon.

BILL: Look how big and powerful the moon looks

in the moonlight.

Ready for its trip to Arizona.

It's just not fair!

The moon, I mean.

(sighs)

Oh...

This is a dream come true.

A trucker and his boy alone with their rig

on the open road.

But don't worry, Peggy.

We'll do a quick turnaround and be back home

by Christmas morning sharp.

A trucker and his boy.

And they've promised their mom to be home by Christmas.

Hank, this is one of those novelty Christmas songs

that always sells a million freaking copies!

I have always wanted to get in on that racket!

Okay, let's roll.

Well, all right.

Okay, Bobby, we got to stay on time,

so drink up and let's hit the road.

Coffee? For me?

Mmm...

I don't think I can ever go back to cocoa!

See, trucking is like a lot of things in life.

Know your rig inside out.

Take care of your rig and she'll take care of you.

Dad, you know everything.

Well, I do have a Class "C" license.

(Bill laughs)

♪♪ We're stowing away ♪♪

♪♪ We're stowing away. ♪♪

(giggles)

We're so bad.

Ooh-ee, man! Look at that, man!

Just like a God dang ol' Ben Hur, man.

Boy, look at that view.

This is probably how it looked to the very first truckers.

Now, the trick to heading up a steep grade

is to shift gears carefully.

And why is that?

BOBBY: "A trucker always protects his cargo."

My dearest Nancy,

I have many questions about the outside world.

Is our government still intact?

And what of young Joseph?

Gentlemen, to your racers.

Whoo-hoo! Yay!

He wins!

Oh, no!

♪♪ Hank and Bobby in a Christmas truck... ♪♪

Oh, dang it!

There's just no good words that rhyme with truck.

Aunt Peggy, could they be delivering a-a snowman?

I bet there's lots of words that rhyme with snowman.

Of course.

Who needs a snowman more than a widow in Arizona?

Our song will be about Hank and Bobby

delivering a snowman to a woman with no man.

(both laugh)

I'm a songwriter!

BOBBY: The second-largest thermometer in the U. S.

Do we have time to stop?

Well, we have to be home by Christmas,

so we can stop or we can go to a truckstop

and chow down like real truckers.

Chow down like real truckers!

Well, all right, then.

Eh, you can see the thermometer from here anyway.

"105 degrees." Wow.

DALE: Hank, for God's sakes, let us out!

It's so hot!

No, Hank hears us, but he's choosing to punish us.

Rightly so.

What's the use?

At the rate I'm smoking,

we only have about 30 minutes of oxygen left anyway.

Oh, man, dang ol'... Dang, dang, dang, man!

I need a dang ol' water, man.

We brought food.

Maybe we can squeeze moisture out of it.

Let's see.

Chips, barbecue chips,

vinegar flavor, hot and spicy.

Saltines! No!!

(sobbing)

Wow!

I didn't want to describe it to you,

because, well, how could I?

See, for truckers, time is money.

We can't spend time waiting in a line with the civilians.

We keep to a schedule.

Yup, I just rode in from Arlen, Texas, on a straight shot.

How about you?

Well, I guess I'm coming in

straight from, oh, Eastern Long Island.

Guess this 'd be my first meal in 40 hours or so.

Yep, I hear that.

Okay.

So what're you boys hauling, anyway?

A sofa for my Grandma!

(snickering)

Sir, this section is for truckers only.

Buffs like you, takin' up space, costs real truckers money.

Go on.

But, Dad, I thought you said we were truckers.

We are.

I don't mean to spoil your fun, sir,

but you're not a trucker.

You're just a guy with a truck.

You think I'm not a trucker?

Well, I drove through El Paso in rush hour

and didn't grind a gear.

Look at my rig...

perfectly maintained from the back bumper to the grille.

(gunshots)

Oh, hey, Hank.

We're not gonna drink Bill after all, okay?

Waiter, table for five.

MAN: Nice rig, buddy!

Look out, hot load!

MAN: Hey, hauling fruit, are you?

BILL: We're sorry, Hank.

We'll sit quietly back here,

if you give us a water-dish to drink from.

We'll be as quiet as truck-mice.

Get in the cab.

Fixing this hole you made has put me off schedule.

So, I'll skip my bunk time and drive all night.

Now get moving.

This is the saga our song will tell:

Hank and Bobby find a snowman

hitch-hiking through Arizona.

He will melt to death

unless he gets home to the North Pole by Christmas.

Hank and Bobby take him home.

The snowman's family is so grateful,

they invite him to their Christmas Snowman dinner.

You got it?

Oh, no.

BOBBY: It's okay to take a nap, Dad.

If we're half a day late, Grandma won't mind.

Well, I will.

We've got a promise to your mother to keep.

We are getting back home by Christmas morning.

Duck...

Duck...

Goose!

What?

I'll get him, Hank.

(screaming)

Dang it!

Shush it!

PEGGYAND LUANNE: ♪♪ And that's how the Christmas ♪♪

♪♪ snowman got back home! ♪♪

You don't like it.

Oh, it's not that, sugs.

It's just that I've got a lot of other things on my mind.

Like, I don't know where my husband is.

Oh, I'm sure Dale is fine.

Now, how can we fix the song?

We tried your way, Aunt Peggy.

Now we should do it my way!

We have differences.

Like when Simon versus the Garfunkel.

Look how straight the lines on the highway are.

It'd be easy to get highway hypnosis.

Bill... you are getting sleepy...

It's working.

I'm so sleepy.

M-M-Make him think he's a dang ol' chicken, man.

Hey, Dad! Ahh...

Look!

L-l-I was awake! What?!

Look at the sign!

"Truck stop 4 Miles."

We can get you some coffee.

Bobby, it would take too long to tie 'em up

so I'm going to need you to get the coffee.

Which line? Trucker or...

Trucker.

Dad, they wouldn't let me on the trucker line

for moral reasons, but...

(snoring)

Guess playing trucker takes a lot out of you.

Least now he can tell all the other accountants

he slept at a real truck stop.

(laughter)

BOBBY: Okay.

Let's get a move out.

Now, if make up for the lost time

while my Dad's asleep, he'll wake up ahead of schedule.

Mr. Boomhauer, are you sure

you're able to handle this vehicle?

Dang ol' piece of cake, man.

Just like riding a dang ol' riding mower or forklift.

You know, just like a dang ol' lion

the same as kit-y-cat, man.

DALE: 14-foot clearance.

Ha! How tall is the truck?

Probably...

I don't know. Bobby?

I don't know!

It's awfully big.

I'd say 30 feet tall, at least.

Boomhauer, get off now!

There's an exit! Get off now!

DALE: This is the wrong way!

Turn around!

Hey, do you see the dang ol' size of this thing, man?

Dang ol' don't talk about "turn around" man.

Ooh, there's another exit. Take it!

Well, this feels good, doesn't it?

Well, Mom, that's the last of it.

Hank, this is the best Christmas ever. Ready?

♪♪ Oh, say can you see ♪♪

♪♪ By the dawn's early light ♪♪

♪♪ Dawn's early light, dawn's early light... ♪♪

What the? Where?

Hank, we're having trouble with the engine.

And the clutch.

Oh, and we're on top of a mountain.

I think it might be a Rocky Mountain.

(scream echoing)

What the hell happened?

Let's just say mistakes were made.

Then other larger mistakes.

We're not proud of ourselves.

I'm sorry, Dad.

We thought if we kept driving,

we could help you make your delivery on time.

We didn't even stop for a potty break.

I had to use your coffee mug.

Dale, get behind the Line of Shame.

Not you, Bobby.

I know you were trying to help.

Hank, we're cold.

Can we put our hands down?

No. Okay, we're out of fuel.

That part I can understand.

But how did you let the battery go dead?

It was dark and the headlights made us feel so safe.

Breaker 10-33, this is Top Hat.

Requesting emergency...

No, Bobby.

I don't want to bother real truckers

with the problems of a guy who fell asleep

and let his rig wind up on top of a mountain.

What are you doing, Dad?

(sighs)

I'm going to call Triple "A"

and probably hire some movers, too.

It's time to let the professionals handle this.

No! Sure we're in a hole,

but real truckers are in a hole all the time

and they don't give up.

They figure out a way to get through.

You're not just a guy with a truck, Dad.

Okay, everybody, let's check out our rig and see what we've got.

(cheering)

Uh, line suspended.

...and a Charlie Chaplin ceramic lamp and these opera glasses.

That's what we have to work with.

Hank, which would you rather burn for warmth,

the dining set

or the frames of these tasteful landscape paintings?

Neither. I am getting this load to my mom intact.

Hey, man, got them dang ol' antique lamps, man.

Talk about a little kerosene left inside, man, you know?

Probably stay warm dang ol' five minutes or so.

Talking about...

(hums I Dream Of Jeanie theme)

Good idea, Boomhauer.

There might be some kerosene

still left in those lamps to keep us warm if...

No, wait a minute.

Bobby, hand me those opera glasses.

Perfect.

Now, if we can get the truck rolling downhill,

the motion will recharge the battery.

And kerosene is close enough to diesel fuel

so we can burn it.

I'll pop the clutch,

and we can turn around in that meadow.

I understood something about burning fuel.

Are we going to be warm?

You two are going to get warm working up a sweat

digging out these tires. Here.

Bobby, I need your help over here.

And Dale, you're, uh, at large.

Yes, sir!

Now, I won't be able to see from the back to steer,

so you fellows will have to guide me.

Boomhauer, use the CB.

It's going to be a bumpy ride, so hang on.

Hank, what keeps the furniture from sliding out the door?

Well, all our straps and chains are on the road for traction.

So, you do, Bill.

Good luck.

Okay, man, Hank, you got, like, dang ol' little ol' curve

coming up on the left.

Talking about 15 or 20 degrees.

Now swing it a little to the right now.

Okay, now ease on to about 3:00, man.

A little bump.

You feel that, man?

Okay, now, now, come on straight.

Hold steady, man. Hold steady, man.

Talking about right. Now cut right.

Dang ol' good job, man.

Talk about just a little ol' straightaway

about 20, 30 yards now.

Get a little meadow coming up on the dang ol' left, man.

Get ready, get ready now.

Okay, now cut, man.

Cut, cut.

Give it all you got, man!

Okay, now, Hank, hang in there, man. Quick left, quick left!

Left, left, man!

BILL: It's working!

It's working! It's...

(gasping)

(grunting)

HANK: We only get one shot, son.

Pull!

(grunting)

(engine starts)

Yes! Yeah!

LUANNE: ♪♪ Then the snowman thanked Bobby and Uncle Hank ♪♪

♪♪ for taking him to Arizona ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause he wanted to see his friend, the cripple boy ♪♪

♪♪ Just one more time before he melted. ♪♪

The end.

That's my Christmas trucking song.

Do you like it?

Sug, it's great,

but right now I'm busy

filing a Missing Persons report, okay?

Can you see now, Hank?

Ow!

Can you? Ow!

How about now! Ow!

BILLAND DALE: Ow! Ow!

There I am, 1,500 pounds over my weight limit,

so I say to the trooper, (belches).

Weigh me now.

(laughter)

Kitchen stopped making breakfast half an hour ago.

So, what can I bring you boys?

Oh, man, dang ol' black coffee, man, and a little water, too.

Where's the dang ol' restroom at?

Whoa. Slow it down, sweetheart.

Okay, man, dang ol'... black... coffee.

BOOMHAUER: Dang ol' water.

Whoa, I know that voice.

Hey, one of you boys named Hank?

Uh, we'rejust going to have our coffee and go.

We don't need any trouble.

I bet you don't.

You had enough trouble

getting down that mountain this morning.

Man, we been listening on CB to you guys

coming downhill on 41.

Glad y'all ain't dead.

MAN: Whatthe hell you boys sitting over there for?

Come on over here.

Well, all right, huh, Bobby?

Yeah, all right.

Getting downhill like that took some doing.

What were you gulping on, reds, bennies, apple wackies?

I don't go in for the fancy, flavored coffees.

Just regular old joe.

Man, you are old school.

Hey, little friend,

how about taking a seat

and telling me about that run on that hill?

Sir, much as I would love to get into it,

we'd better get rolling.

We got to finish our haul and get home by Christmas.

Good man.

But you won't get far without your mirrors.

Or your headlights.

Yep, suppose that's true.

On the other hand,

if I rode ahead of you, you wouldn't need them.

And if I get your back,

I can handle your rearview for you.

You mean like a... a convoy?

Damn straight.

(chuckles)

(mid-tempo country intro)

♪♪ Hank Hill was a trucker and he drove with pride ♪♪

♪♪ His seat belt buckled and his boy by his side ♪♪

♪♪ He hit the road with a promise and a fresh load ♪♪

♪♪ They took a wrong turn while trying to get back ♪♪

♪♪ And wound up stranded in a mountain gap ♪♪

♪♪ Had a diesel in the freezing cold ♪♪

♪♪ That old Hank Hill convoy's rolling ♪♪

♪♪ And the antique load we're hauling ♪♪

♪♪ It's destination Mama's down the line ♪♪

♪♪ We was down at the Eat 'Em Up, the boys and me ♪♪

♪♪ Drinking straight black joe when the old CB ♪♪

♪♪ Got to picking up something sounded downright weird ♪♪

♪♪ It said... ♪♪

DALE: ♪♪ Dang ol' Hank, man, talking about hold on tight♪♪

♪♪ Talking about making a little ol' left, man ♪♪

♪♪ Now, Hank, swing right ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, I tell you, had those truckers ♪♪

♪♪ Pretty dang scared ♪♪

♪♪ Then Hank pulled up, feeling none too big ♪♪

♪♪ We couldn't believe how he handled that rig ♪♪

♪♪ So I said, "Hell, we'll help you out, my man" ♪♪

♪♪ I'll call Gravel Gut Ben and One-eyed Mona ♪♪

♪♪ We'll get that load out to Arizona ♪♪

♪♪ Cause a trucker helps a trucker ♪♪

♪♪ Help his mama when he can. ♪♪ Ripped By mstoll