Original subtitles

Ripped By mstoll

DALE: Hey, guys, how do I look on this one,

huh?

We're not here to joyride the toilets, Dale.

If you can't get enough fun

out of helping me buy new handle bushings,

there is something seriously wrong with you.

KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill.

What were you doing in plumbing aisle?

Need new crescent moon stencil

for outhouse? (laughs)

(sighs)

I'm doing home improvements, Kahn.

Aw! Trying to improve your home

like putting lingerie on a monkey.

Better to save up all your dog-fighting money

and buy ticket to Arlen Parade of Homes.

I'll have you know

that my house is part of Texas history.

Yep. It was built by the great-grandson

of Captain T. Anderson Kearney

who fired the first shot at the Battle of Gonzalez.

Hey, maybe I should enter my house in the Parade of Homes.

DALE: Hey, who forgot to change the toilet paper?

PEGGY: You know, this closet would look a lot bigger

if you took out my shoes and replaced them with Nancy's.

Well, we don't need any Hollywood special effects

for people to see what a great house we've got.

Hey, maybe we can put

T. Anderson Kearney's brass boot remover by the door.

Kind of an exclamation point for when people leave the room.

Talkin' about ol' house beautiful, man,

talking' 'bout dang ol' swim-up no bed pool, man.

Talkin' 'bout just like dang ol' Wilt the Stilt, man,

see no double teams in his day, man.

Well, thanks, Boomhauer.

I just hope the people on the Parade of Homes

say the same thing.

Welcome to the Bobby Hill Room.

No flash photography on the trolls, please.

(sighs)

Uh, hey, uh, Bobby, you know what might spruce this room up?

A nice display case for your troll action figures,

with solid wood doors.

You know, so people won't be tempted to steal them.

Okay.

Um, aren't they called troll dolls?

(sighs): Yes.

Now, watch closely, Bobby.

This house is going to be yours someday

and you're going to need to know how to take care of it.

Can you hammer in a nail with a single blow?

This isn't a circus, Bobby.

But I could.

BOBBY: Dad, help me!

Help me! I'm drowning!

Oh, Bobby, you'd had such a good few years.

I wasn't me.

The wall's leaking.

Good Lord,

it looks like it's coming right out of the stud.

It's okay.

It's okay, babies.

Daddy's here.

Now, let's get you out of these wet clothes.

(gasps): What kind of

a sick bastard runs a water pipe through a stud

without installing a nail guard?

I don't know!

Well, the water damage looks pretty minor.

Yeah, at Lone Star Home and Casualty we see some doozies.

The Matthew McConaughey "water weenie" claim comes to mind.

Yeah, well, about my wall...

Don't worry, Mr. Hill.

We'll hire someone to come in here

and get this wall fixed up

before that Parade of Homes tour.

Uh, I don't really like strangers touching my walls.

Maybe you could just pay me

and I'll get the supplies and fix it myself.

Sorry, but company regulations require

we use licensed and bonded contractors.

But I can absolutely assure you

they do a first-rate job.

(sighs): Okay.

Now, would you like to be tested for mold while we're at it?

We usually do one after any type of water damage.

Won't cost you anything.

I guess. Sure, go ahead.

(clears throat)

Excuse me.

Do I need to file a claim for my loss?

HANK: Yeah, uh...

you're going to have to give those to the insurance company

so they can assess them properly.

I'm sure you know what to do with them.

HANK: Don't leave any excess joint compound

on the threads, and always wipe the pipes down

when you're done as a courtesy to the next plumber.

Now, let's see if that outlet needs rewiring.

I'll do it.

Just, uh, hand me that volt meter.

Hi, I'm Steve Goodman.

I'm here to check the room for mold.

Huh, so that's what you use to test for it.

Boy, I've never seen one of those before.

You think I could give it a try, Steve?

Nope.

I'm done here.

Okay, who wants to turn off the circuit breaker?

Too late. I call it.

Now remember, Hank, the Parade of Homes is not a competition.

But this is what we're up against.

HANK: That's pretty nice for new construction.

MAN: Can I...

help you? (both gasp)

Uh, yeah, we're in the Parade of Homes next week, too.

Hank Hill, single- story, ranch-style.

We were just admiring your place.

Nice shutters.

Well, thanks.

That means a lot coming from another parader.

Still trying to get the place looking presentable.

It's funny, I spent my whole life

dreaming about owning my own house.

Now all I dream about is the next thing

that needs to be painted or polished or replaced.

I love those dreams.

I hate to toot my own horn,

but this wall looks pretty good.

Let's enjoy it now

before Bobby puts up that poster of babies dressed as strawberries.

Hank, it's our first looky-loo.

Okay, be cool.

(knock on door)

Welcome.

Knocks pretty nice, doesn't she?

That's solid oak hardwood.

No pressed filler there.

Now notice the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you might want to save that

for someone who's not on the clock.

I'm Rob Holguin, Techno-Pure.

Your insurance company sent me.

Oh, uh, Hank Hill.

What can I do for you?

You can put your hand down

and step two feet away from me.

You may be contaminated.

What? Your house has tested positive for mold.

Aah!

Yeah, uh, you might not want

to take such deep breaths.

I've got mold?

Well, that can't...

I mean... how does...

God, is it hot in here?

I'm really hot.

Uh, Mrs. Hill, maybe you could get him a chair.

I'm going to make a small exploratory incision

so I can have

a little look-see here.

Thar she blows, my great green whale Aspergillus.

You're lucky you caught this leak early

before this mold really spread.

I've got green stuff inside my walls and I'm lucky?

Relax, Mr. Hill.

Rob Holguin is going to do everything it takes

to get rid of this mold,

and you're insurance is going to pick up the tab.

Everything from frictional irrigation

with a concentrated chlorine solution,

to forced atmospheric dehydration.

So wait. You're saying you're going to rub it with bleach

and then blow it dry?

(scoffs)

Well, in layman's terms, yes.

Well, I've got some bleach and a fan.

I could probably do it myself.

(scoffs)

Every joker with a bottle of Clorox and a Vornado

thinks he's an expert.

Look, unless the job is done

by a certified mold expert, such as myself,

your insurance company will drop you like, well...

I'd drop this, but then there'd be mold on your floor.

Hank, let him do it.

He's a professional.

Can you guys get it done in two days?

This house is on the Parade of Homes.

This is the kind of thing they take a picture of

and put it on their blooper reel.

Well, lucky for you, Aspergillus is my specialty.

I should have it calling me daddy in no time.

So are we okay to stay here like this?

Okay?

Well, that's a medical question, Mrs. Hill.

I'm not a medical doctor.

Now I'll need you both to sign this waiver

which certifies I've informed you that's a medical question

and I'm not a medical doctor.

Hank, listen to this:

"Mold has been known to cause itchiness, asthma,

chronic fatigue and disorientation."

Bobby, quick, what's your middle name, huh?

When's my birthday?

Here, follow my finger.

Your birthday is... I don't know!

Hank, the mold's got him!

Help me, Dad!

Oh, will you two just calm down?

Now it's just a little patch of mold.

We'll let Holguin do his job

and everything will be fine.

And the boy never knew your birthday, Peggy.

He always just piggybacked on my card.

(sighs)

Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

(echoed breathing)

Yep.

HANK: Dale, take that dang thing off.

We're perfectly safe here in the alley.

Heck, we'd all be perfectly safe if we slept in Bobby's room.

A sleep-over?

I'll get my jammies.

Don't let him in, Hank.

With his foot fungus,

he'd just be tracking more mold into the house.

That area between his toes

is as rich and fertile as the Nile River Delta.

Can we still have the sleep-over?

I'll hang my feet out the window.

KAHN (over P. A.): Attention,

mold patient zero.

I know your house not good enough for Parade of Home.

Maybe next month, Parade of Toxic Waste Dumps.

(laughing)

(sighs)

What?

How could we still have mold?

I thought you said you got rid of it.

I did, from the leak.

But there must be

a secondary infestation.

The latest sample from this room

showed an airborne mold level of 500 parts per cubic meter.

Ah!

Hmm, nothing.

What are you doing?

I can't get rid of this other mold

until I find it, Mr. Hill.

And insurance regulations require

that we reduce the level of mold in here

to that found in the air outdoors.

400 parts per cubic meter.

400? Bobby, quick, get inside!

No, no, I mean, stay outside!

Get... get...

get in the car

and turn on the air conditioner, now!

HOLGUIN: Mrs. Hill, Mrs. Hill, it's okay.

400 parts per cubic meter is like a fly speck in a Big Gulp cup.

Wait, wait, it sounds like there's almost no difference

between the air in here and the air outside.

What's the problem?

Uh, I could try and explain it to you,

but if you want this place ready

in time for that Parade of Homes,

it would probably make more sense

for me to just do my job.

Thank God. I thought this thing was broken.

There's the culprit... Alterneria.

You're not so tough now

without your buddy Stachybotrys, are you?

Are you sure that's even mold?

It could just be an old dust bunny.

I wish it were a dust bunny.

In fact, I wish this whole damn wall were full of real bunnies,

but this looks like mold that's been here for 20 years.

What's on the other side of this wall?

(gasping): Our bedroom!

Remember that night I thought I heard something

and you said it was nothing?

Well, thank you.

You just signed my death warrant.

If we've been sleeping in this room with mold for 20 years,

how come we've never had itching or asthma

or any of those other problems we read about?

Well, that's probably because the government hasn't found

a scientific link between mold

and any known health problems... yet.

Then why do you keep banging holes in my walls?

Because I'm the hunter, and mold is my antelope.

And if I don't bang holes in your wall,

my conscience bangs holes in my head.

Holguin here. I need backup.

I got a bi-room situation at Rainey Street.

Hey, scrape that out more carefully, will you?

It's a wall, not a pumpkin. Whoa, whoa.

You're going to have to stay out of the hot zone.

That's both bedrooms and the master bath.

But where are we going to...

Automatic ice maker.

Oh, boy.

What? What, oh, boy?

Seal off the kitchen.

Now hold on.

This is getting... Dog house is hot!

Aspergillus.

All right, that does it.

Everybody out, now.

Hey, hold on.

I said stop.

Mr. Hill,

I understand you're upset,

but you really don't want us out of your house.

Yes, I do.

Okay, but if I get on this walkie-talkie

and call in a Code Charlie,

my guys'll be out of here in 36 seconds flat.

That's how long it'll take for your house

to become worthless. What?

Look, you've been informed there's mold in this house,

which means if you ever want to sell this property...

I don't want to sell.

I plan on passing this house down to my son.

Ooh, goodie gumdrops. Thanks, Dad.

A worthless mold house!

Do you have any pet birds, Mr. Hill?

No.

Good.

Can three family members share a living room

without driving each other crazy?

(sighs)

Booby, I've asked you several times

to stop making that joke.

Now, go to your room.

...18, 19, 20.

Mr. Hill, you've got to get out.

Aah! You get out!

Your whole house is contaminated.

The neg air environment's been compromised.

The what? There's no time to explain

how it wasn't my fault... now move!

That towel could be filthy with mold.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Forget the toys, the insurance company will pay for everything.

Now move!

DALE: Leave it to you

to make a hospital gown look unsexy, Hank.

This says 123 Rainey Street.

This is on the Parade of Homes?

That can't be right.

Hank?

Oh, God, no, the Parade of Homes.

Is today the fifth?

Uh...

this ranch style rambler,

with upgrades to the doors and windows and roof,

uh, was built

by the great grandson of, uh...

T... (sighs)

Smile, Hank.

I want to get a picture of you next to the mold.

(sniffing)

(whimpering)

I know, girl, I know.

Hey, what do you know?

Erin Brockovich has got mold.

And Ed McMahon.

Oh, it killed his dog, Muffin.

Maybe we'll meet them at a survivors group.

If Lone Star Home and Casualty

is so interested in looking for mold,

you should start with this room.

It was growing on the soap.

I'm afraid there's nothing I can do

about the mold in your hotel, Mr. Hill.

They don't have a policy with Lone Star,

so there's no potential liability on our end.

(couple shouting)

They're arguing again, Hank.

Or making love.

WOMAN: You pig!

Is that what you wanted?

Making love.

(door opening and closing)

(footsteps approaching)

Uh, hey, yeah.

You got a busted latch

there, neighbors.

Yeah, anyway, my lady and I were wondering

if you'd care to join us for a Lynchburg lemonade.

Uh, thank you, but we were just about to sit down to dinner.

Oh, well, cool, cool, no biggie, okay.

Y'all have a good one.

There, I invited them! You happy now!

PEGGY: Okay.

Who's ready for Peggy Hill's coffee-maker ramen, huh?

(sighs)

(bass thumping)

You'd think music that loud would kill the bugs,

but it doesn't.

I tried sleeping in the empty swimming pool,

but, you know, the dogs.

(sighs)

Can I just go home?

I promise I'll put on one of those space suits.

Dang it, Bobby.

If T. Anderson Kearney could fight to give Texans a home,

then I can fight to get yours back.

Rob Holguin is going to need

to use this boot remover on his ass

when I'm done with him.

Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. Holguin.

Sorry, he's at lunch.

Can I take a message?

You don't have enough room on that "While You Were Out" slip

for what I have to say.

(laughing)

All right, Holguin, I'm through with your...

Hey, hey, you're that

mold tester guy, Mr. Goodman.

Well, what... what are you two doing together?

Hey, guys. They just put all the stuff out

for make your own sundaes.

My insurance adjuster?

This is ridiculous.

You're all in on this scam together, aren't you?

All you guys care about is money.

Okay, fine.

How much to get rid of you?

Is that a Cirrus machine?

(laughing)

Yeah, but it'll only let you take out $300 a day.

That's just not going to cut it.

Nope, not when you got

a deal as sweet as ours.

Heck, I could throw a dart at the phone book

and I bet you the house I hit would test positive for mold.

(chuckles): And the phone book, too.

Say that other thing you say, Rob.

You know, the "Yee-hah."

Oh, yeah..."Yee-hah! There's gold in them there walls!"

(laughing)

(sighs)

Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for no pest strips

for both crawling and flying pests.

The motel I'm staying at is a little dreary,

so if you have the ones that look, you know,

a little festive, that'd be good.

Oh, hell, yeah.

Dude, we got one's with snowflakes,

we got ones with burros on them...

I mean, they're all pretty beautiful.

(doorbell rings)

I'm coming.

Morning, Mr. Holguin.

I was wondering if we could have a word.

Sure, come on in.

Love to show you my new flat screen TV.

Just got it.

So, Mr. Holguin, I thought I'd come over here

and ask you one more time, politely,

to please leave my house alone.

Sorry, Mr. Hill, but I just ordered a new couch.

That big TV just makes this one look so... dinky.

Well, at least I tried.

Hey, Bill, why don't you make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Hank.

Oh, I almost for got to tell you.

I just got myself certified as a trained mold expert.

Took me 30 minutes.

Great.

Maybe I'll see you at our conference in Aspen.

But, you know, the insurance company will never let you

test your own house and pass it.

Now that would be a clear conflict of interest.

I know, that's why I'm going to test your house.

Bill, you ready?

Ready.

Ew!

Yeah, pretty gross, huh?

With the fungus and all.

Hey, is fungus a mold? Let's find out.

Whoa, there.

Now, now, now take it easy.

Okay, let's just talk about this.

Hey, you're testing right near his feet.

Sorry, I'm new at this.

But after I send the results to your insurance company,

I'm sure they'll send someone out here

and they'll do a more thorough search.

Punch a few holes in your wall,

rip up your floorboards.

You know, I heard nine out of ten houses have mold.

But who knows, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.

Okay, okay. What do you want?

Okay, Mr. Hill, you passed.

Your house is officially mold-free. Good-bye.

Now, hold on.

We're not quite done yet.

You two owe me a parade.

So if you'll just step this way,

and I know you will...

Come on, Bobby.

Let's show them

the house that's going to be yours someday.

(clears throat)

This ranch-style rambler

was built by the great grandson

of T. Anderson Kearney.

Uh, you might want to put your case down.

This is going to take a while.

Now, the funny thing about this boot remover...

well, no so much funny as educational...

is that it was owned

by the man who fired the first shot

at the Battle of Gonzalez.

Ripped By mstoll

DALE(echoed breathing): Yup.