Original subtitles

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Ellie

Happy birthday to you

Thank you.

I just feel like this one's really

connecting with the students, you know?

-Give me a minute, will you? -See you later.

-Olivier. -Hi Ellie.

What are you doing here?

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you.

You're so wonderful.

I thought you were leaving after Social Media and Democracy.

I didn't want to miss your birthday party.

My parents can wait till tomorrow.

But, I have to stay with you tonight. You know, I sublet my apartment.

Well, if it's not fine then I can go to Charl--

It's fine, it's fine. It's fine, it's perfect.

-Sure? -Yeah.

It's good to see you.

-You made those? -Yes.

I used Pedro as a model.

Look, if I put two on the cake, it looks like 22.

It looks like a couple of cocks on a cake.

A couple of cock scrapers.

Hello!

Jesus, Ellie. You're not supposed to be here for another hour.

I know, I'm sorry, but, I have to tidy my room.

Olivier is coming round tonight.

He was supposed to go and see his family in Provence,

but, he decided to stay back for my birthday day!

Okay, alright, You're giving me a headache.

Weren't you fucking that history professor?

Oh! Was fucking, his wife found out.

-Classic! -Classic!

Anyway, I'm with Olivier, now. It's official.

And he's spending his first night, which means... first shag.

So, I better go get ready for all the orgasms coming my way.

She didn't see him.

Girls? Do either of you have a razor?

Sure.

-There you go. -Thanks.

Please help explain what I am seeing right now.

-What? -Your bush

is a major fucking jungle, that's what.

That?

I've been growing in "au naturel".

You know? Cause there's this time I was growing out of a bikini wax

and this guy was like...

Veronique!

I need back up.

Oh my god, Ellie!

Is not like it's the '70s.

It's like this freak thing, that the guy had his face right up

-my fanny and is... -Spread your legs

and stop talking.

I say full Brazilian.

No way. She is a woman, not a baby.

Why not a "ticket metro".

Honey, you mean the "landing strip"?

Not so sure about that.

I prefer a tiny triangle and clean labia.

Much more natural, and ready for oral.

Excuse me, girls, but, can I weigh in, please?

-No. -No.

One, two...

Tell Olivier he can thank us later.

Voilà, voilà, voilà, voilà.

Hop...

This one is for you.

So, what'd you say?

I got out of the elevator and I saw her

and I was like, "Oh my God, Beyonce,"

but, it was Rihanna.

-Your turn. -It's my turn?

What do I have to say?

Tell us about the most mind blowing sex you ever had.

Okay, this is hard,

but, I will say a hook up at campus, three months ago.

On our campus?

It was in the library.

With a guy I see around.

Masters student.

Very hot guy.

And French.

What made it so hot?

It was great chemistry.

-You say this? Chemistry? -Yeah.

And also, because we are in public space

and this make me go even crazy than normally.

And we do it right in the middle of the library.

and maybe somebody see? I don't know.

And?

I make him come three times.

Three times.

Oh my God.

He begged for more.

Should I top you guys off?

I'll do it.

Fill a condom with tequila

and, drink it in one shot.

What the fuck...

Where's Olivier?

I didn't really have a chance to talk to him yet.

I don't know, he was here a minute ago,

maybe he went to get some...

This is Ellie. This is Anya.

-Happy birthday, Ellie. -Thank you.

So, she is your girlfriend?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, we just started dating.

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Ellie

Happy Birthday to you

Thank you.

Okay, birthday girl, presents!

Oh, my God, girls, you shouldn't have.

-There's so many of them. -The first one.

"To our best friend on her birthday.

"We love you, Ellie.

"Kira and Veronique."

Ta-dum, ta-dum

You know how to use this?

Of course I do. It's Jack the Rabbit with the rotating head.

No, it's the Dual Thruster.

The handle rotates. Like this, I show you.

No, that's fine. Thank you.

You look like Statue of Liberty.

I'm sorry. This is not funny.

Anyway. Shall I show you? Or, no?

No. I can do it myself. Thank you very much.

Best birthday ever.

Thank you, that was just what I needed.

What?

Oh my God.

Ellie? Ellie, it's me. You okay?

I'm fine.

Never gonna be fine again.

Look, last one.

You used all the other ones last week when you had your period.

Wait, what?

No! It can't be...

That blood... Are you a...

But, all those stories?

Banging your history professor on campus?

-Lies. -What about that time in Hyde Park

-by the fountain? -Lies.

-The guy with the huge... -Lies, all lies.

But, why?

What's wrong with you?

-It's a religious thing? -No, it's just...

I sort of had a bad experience when I was 16 and...

it just all went wrong.

Didn't even do anything.

Now I'm 22 and I'm terrified that it's never gonna happen.

Ellie? I'm worried. Are you coming?

Fuck. He's supposed to sleep here tonight?

Is that what you were gonna do? You were gonna have sex with him?

Why else would I let you bitches rip out all my pubes?

Give me five minutes!

Okay, he can't sleep here tonight.

Tell him you're on your period.

Dude, I think he's aware of that...

as is the rest of the world.

Can this birthday get any worse?

Ellie, honey, do you like Olivier?

Yeah, I do. I really like him.

Then don't ruin it.

He's going to expect you to fulfill all his fantasies.

To straddle him, blow him, swallow,

be down with anal.

Analingus, rimming, fist fucking,

strangling and the thing with handcuffs.

-Fuck! -All on the first night?

Yes. Free porn is killing us.

So, what do I do now?

Nothing. You don't even show him your tits.

I say we start with blow jobs.

She's a virgin, not a nun.

You do know how to make a guy come in your mouth, yes?

My god. This is worse than I thought.

So, Olivier gets back from Provence in three weeks, right?

-Yes. -That's not a lot of time.

-I know. -Uh, time for what?

To teach you about sex.

Sex?

You need to have a lot of sex, to get good at sex.

You mean sleep with other guys?

Yep, oh, dude.

Just go, Madam Leveque.

-Guys, I don't know? -Absolutely.

Guys that we'll find for you around Paris.

So basically, you're saying that I should be a cheater.

If you wanna learn to be a good lover

then you might have people to cheat on.

Also, it's a chance for you to get in touch with your body,

with your desires, and your needs.

Yeah. Otherwise known as cheating.

Good morning, Mr. Gros.

Remember that girl at the party?

Oh, yeah, Romanian girl.

If that's the kind of girls Olivier is used to, you are in trouble.

So...

what do you say, are you in

or, are you out?