All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E14.The.Church.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track4_[eng]

-Okay. Back to Hell Night --
I mean, Spirituality Night

on "The Last Drive-In,"
and during our second movie,

Darcy, I'm going to spin
this screen around.

-Okay.

-And if I say anything
especially brilliant,

you can tip me on the screen
because I know you love to tip.

-Oh,
it is one of my pet peeves.

-Tipping is not required,
of course, you know,

you can search down here
at the very bottom of the screen

where it says "no tip."

Can you see that?
You probably can't see it.

-I'm going to go ahead
and say no tip for you.

-There's no icon.
-Okay.

It's just the words no tip
in four-point sans serif type.

You know,
that font is called Casper.

But whatever you do,

I won't be able to see
whether you tipped nothing

or you tipped 25%,
I'll be none the wiser.

It won't affect how
you're treated in the slightest.

Definitely will
not cause me to be resentful

or think badly of you
because you pressed "no tip."

So...

-And if I press the 25% button,

I can leave and think badly
of myself, right?

-Yeah,
many people like to do that.

They like to press the 25%,
which is right here, by the way.

And then, on the way out,

they'll think,
why did I do that?

But, see, it's all up to you.

There's no pressure.

And actually --
And the only reason

I'm swiveling it around

is that you have to sign
your name to use

the particular payment card that
you normally use, right?

-So if it's just
to sign my name,

then why is it show me
the tip options

before I can even get to
that part.

-Well, the tip option --

Yes, the tip options are
at the top, you know, but --

-Well, sometimes you
can't get to the signing screen

until you press a tip option.

-You can always press "no tip,"
right?

-Yeah,
but they're watching you.

-That's not -- True.
That's not --

And that's not even
peer pressure.

That's concentrated
employee pressure.

-Oh, man I always go, okay,

okay, here's your
million percent, I don't care.

-All right. But you don't say
that out loud, right?

-No. I think it in my head
and say, "Mm."

-All right.
So, is it just me,

or have we reached
critical mass with tipping?

I mean, is it just me or are
there now thousands of people

who expect tips
for basically existing?

Has tipping become a national
tax on walking down the street,

you know, walked
around the block and, well,

I didn't buy anything,
but I had to tip four people.

You know.
-Oh, it is not just you.

People want tips for everything,
for opening doors.

-Oh,
it's worse than opening doors.

People want tips for opening
a can of Dr. Pepper, you know.

-So...
-Do they?

-Yeah.
-When I go to wrestling,

and I want to get a bottle of
water at the concession stand,

they literally want a tip.

They show me the screen
for handing me the water.

-For handing the water.

-That they made me --
You can't even bring water in.

You have to buy it.

-Tipping used to be confined
to certain occupations

like food service, waiters,
taxis, bartenders maybe.

You're providing
a specialized service

that required interaction
with the customer.

Quentin Tarantino now,
he used to talk about

how he doesn't tip waiters

because he's not paying somebody
to walk over with his food.

But I disagree with him on that,

because our idiotic
federal government does allow

restaurants
to underpay waitstaff

because tips are assumed.

So if you work in
a "tipped employee business,"

they can pay you
as little as $2.13 an hour.

Did you know that?
As long as your tips bring you

up to 7.25 an hour,
they don't go above that,

but 7.25 an hour.
They do that actually.

How -- But how do you do that?
You know?

Hey, Stu, I only got
four bucks in tips last hour.

You owe me a $1.12.
Who's going to do that?

Who's going to tell
your boss that?

Who's going to annoy the boss
by demanding the extra buck

in the first place?

So your hourly wage can become

the already pathetic minimum
of 7.25.

So what's happened now
is a lot of businesses

have taken that idea

that was created
by the federal government

and they've said,
hey, you know what?

We don't have to pay that much

because we got
the swivel screen.

We got this thing.

The swivel screen is going
to pump up what the grunts get.

So when the cheerful
counter employee says,

"Tipping is optional,"

what they're really saying is
subsidize my cheap-ass employer.

You have no idea how bad it is
to work here. Right?

-I feel like we shouldn't
be held responsible for that,

though.
-Well, I agree with that.

Like, when you work
comedy clubs,

which are generally owned
by the sleaziest people

in show business,

you are constantly ordered
to remind people

to tip those waitresses

so that they don't
have to pay the waitresses.

So, yeah, but are you willing
to be the jerk

who searches for
the no tip option?

Are you willing to do that?

-Very, very rarely.

-Yeah.

-Especially if they're
just standing there waiting

to see what you say.
It's really hard to say --

-In fact,

I have seen bellboys in hotels
fight over your luggage.

-I know. Even when I just say,

"Please, just let me do
it myself."

-That's because you look like
a person

who can be psyched into tipping.
They see it, they read it.

-And it's true. Yes.

-You're an exception, though,

because the standard thinking
with service employees

is that males will tip
better than females.

-I don't know
if I agree with that,

but females do use things
like spa services

that are already way overpriced,

and then you're expected to tip
based on that really high price.

-Yeah, well,
what's an example of that?

-Like certain
spa treatments.

Like, the material costs
like $800.

And then you're supposed
to tip them $800

for just slapping it on you
for a second.

Like, sorry, I'm not doing that.

-Oh, okay.
-That kind of thing.

-Remember
when Uber did not allow tipping.

-Oh, Lord.
That was the glory days.

But those are long gone now.
-Yeah.

-I don't want
to have to make that decision.

I'd rather just add it
to the price, and I say cool.

-Exactly. I think most people
would prefer that.

But everybody owns one
of these now.

See, this is the swivel pay.

They just swivel it around,
stand there.

You got to make a quick decision
while the person is waiting,

while your barista is waiting.

-Or the person
that prepared your takeout food.

-Yeah, you're taking it out.
You're going to the store

so they don't have to do
anything except give it to you.

-Right.

-But they're putting it
in the bag, you know?

-20%? Yes.
You get all of it for that.

-And since you
didn't bring your own bag,

that'll be $2
for the reusable bags.

What if we decided to limit
tipping to food and beverage

service and then all
the other times just clip

"no tip" on the swivel?

-I would very much
support that movement.

-But in the meantime,

you let them guilt you
into tipping, right?

-Of course. Once, you know...

One time I tipped
an Uber driver $100, actually.

-You told me that story,
and now --

And now you've said it publicly
that you tipped $100.

You're now a major target,
Darcy.

-But it wasn't guilt, though.

It was like joy.

He had decorated every inch
of his car

in Halloween decorations,
and it was just so beautiful.

And he was playing
Halloween music.

And I was like, "How much
did it cost you to do all this?"

And he told me,
so I tipped the, like --

-You tipped the amount that it
took him to decorate his car?

-Yes.

-Okay, well,
that's a sweet story,

because you genuinely
wanted to tip.

-Right. If you do something
that amazing, you deserve a tip.

-But now everybody
who sees you coming

is going to put on a
"Halloween 3" shirt and a mask.

-And I will tip you for that.

-Or sport some "Scream"
merchandise.

-If you have "Scream" merch
on, 20% automatic.

-So that you'll give them
money.

You have to stand strong
against the tip Nazis, Darcy.

-I will.

-You won't.
-I won't. Maybe I will.

Who knows?

-You know, whenever I say --
Here's the thing with me.

Whenever I say, "Okay, that's.

the last GoFundMe that I'm --

-Lord, GoFundMe.
-I don't want to go there.

-They tip you on GoFundMe,
man.

-I guess there's no such thing
as the last GoFundMe.

-No. Ever.
-But I tell you what, though.

If you do have a job
that pays $2.13 an hour,

I'm tipping you.
2.13 an hour is legal.

I didn't know that until
I started looking into this,

but that's the real problem.
-Uh, I'll tell you,

the people doing
the spa treatments

ain't getting 2.13 an hour.

-Well, all right,
when you get a spa.

All right, when you get a spa
treatment, do the custom tip.

Press custom tip.

-Oh, I do.
What do you recommend?

-Five bucks. All tips
should be five bucks.

-That's gonna get me killed.

I ain't doing that.
-No, no, no.

We should be like France
or other European countries.

You know,
you don't tip on the amount.

The idea here
is you tip on the amount.

You know, it's like if --
-I do like that.

-Huh?
-I like your plan. Let's do it.

-No, I mean, it's like,
really?

I mean, if you order
one extra dish of the food

they're delivering,
is it really 50% more?

-Yeah.
-I mean, the amount

for what the work is?

In Europe, you just say,
here's a couple euros,

here's a couple quid.
You leave singles on the table

and expect the restaurant
to pay the person.

So let's do that.
-Okay.

-Do you know
how much a waiter makes

at an upscale restaurant
in New York City?

110,000 a year.
-Wow.

-All right, so we
should be like Ned Beatty

after he hears dueling banjos
in "Deliverance."

You know,
"Give him a couple bucks."

-And look what happens
to Ned Beatty in "Deliverance."

-Well,
you're right about that.

But anyway, we're going to keep
tipping, aren't we?

-Do we even have a choice?
-No, we don't have a choice.

-Here, just everyone have a tip.

-All right,
speaking of filthy lucre,

Isn't that what it's called in
the Bible, filthy lucre?

-Sure.

-We're going into one of my
favorite horror subgenres now.

We're going into
what I call Catholic horror.

We're actually showing
"Demons 3."

But they made the silly decision
to change the title

to "The Church," "La Chiesa,"

one of the worst titles in the
history of exploitation movies.

But it was produced
by Dario Argento.

It was directed by his most
famous acolyte, Michele Soavi,

who we previously honored with
our celebration

of "Cemetery Man."

This was Soavi's
second film after "StageFright,"

when his relationship
with Argento

was starting to fray
a little bit.

But the point I wanted to make

is that Dario Argento
did not like to go against

the Catholic Church.

And, so, even
though this is "Demons 3,"

it's filmed inside
a Catholic church,

and, so, Argento submitted
the script

to Monsignor Corrado Balducci,

who was the chief exorcist
at the Vatican

and the number one
Catholic authority on demons.

Monsignor Balducci did not
get a fake script either.

He sent him the script for
the movie we're about to watch,

and Monsignor Balducci
approved it.

Now, he didn't approve it
as a true story,

but he approved it as
not being heretical.

Monsignor Balducci said
demons do exist.

The devil is active.

So there's nothing wrong
with making a movie about it.

This was in 1989.

Now, I'm not sure what
the Church would say today,

but anyway, it did no good
for the production.

They went to church after church
after church in Italy.

Since 90% of the movie
takes place inside a church,

they needed a big cathedral.

There was no priest in Italy
who would say,

"Use my church
for a Dario Argento movie."

In fact, there was no priest
anywhere in Western Europe

that would allow filming
inside his church.

But the churches
in Eastern Europe

were still under communism,

and many of them
were crumbling into ruins,

and they needed funds
for restoration.

And, so, eventually,
the Bishop of Budapest said,

"Come to Hungary, my son,
we will rent you our church."

And, so, every morning
a priest would deconsecrate

the Saint Elizabeth of the House
of Arpad church in Budapest,

so that scenes from the church
could be filmed in there.

And then, every evening
the priest would come back

to reconsecrate the church

so that the worshipers
could use it.

So the result is a beautiful

but slightly confused epic
at the end of

the Golden Age of Italian Horror

that starts with an amazing
sequence set in the Middle Ages.

It has a bunch
of amazing set pieces.

And it should have
been called "Demons 3"

because it's ultimately
about people trapped

in a demon-infested hellhole,

just like the theater
in "Demons Uno"

and the apartment
building in "Demons Two-oh."

And it is the sensitive story
of a church built

over the mass grave
of hundreds of people,

brutally executed by the
Teutonic Knights 850 years ago,

and hidden by the Vatican

so that their demon-infested
bodies could never come back.

Unfortunately, we live in the
age of historic preservation.

And, so, a nosy art historian

and a young librarian
fall in lust

while learning the secrets
of the cathedral

where they're working.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with
the severed head of a priest

being used to ring the bell
in the church tower?

I think not.

So let's look at those drive-in
totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-in Academy Award
nominations for Tomas Arana

as Evan, the librarian, for
immediately abandoning his job

to go treasure hunting

and for saying, "I've got to
find a stone with seven eyes."

Barbara Cupisti as Lisa,
the art historian,

for flinging herself through a
window without opening it first,

aardvarking with a demon, and
saying,

"Shades of Indiana Jones."

Roberto Corbiletto as
Hermann, the Sacristan,

for saying, "I want to kill,
to kill."

Feodor Chaliapin Jr
as the Bishop

for grumpily deciding
everybody might as well die,

and for declaring,
"I am the church."

Hugh Quarshie as Father Gus,
for trying to be the hero

and for telling the Bishop,
"You can't play God like this."

Asia Argento as Lotte, for being
a club kid and for saying,

"I'm the Sacristan's daughter,
unfortunately."

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

And thank you
for dressing up like a nun.

Darcy, you are killing
that nun outfit.

You are rocking that look.

-I had so much help with this.
I'll explain later.

-Not since
Lindsay Lohan portrayed

a gun-toting nun in "Machete"...
-Yeah.

-...has anyone seen such
a badass nun.

-Oh. Thank you.

-I've always wanted to explore
the genre of nunsploitation.

-Mm. We should.
-And that was a bunch of films

made in the '70s,
many of them set in Italy,

where the convent goes wild
with mass hysteria

and demonic possession and,

of course, lesbionic perversions
of all sorts.

What's the most famous
nunsploitation flick?

-Most famous, I don't know,

but I do know I was supposed to
be in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns."

-You were supposed to be
in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns"?

-Yeah.
-Oh, a classic.

-I was -- I was in talks.
Didn't work out 'cause whatever.

-Oh, no. That's terrible.
Were you up for Sister Sarah?

You would have been great
in that.

-Sounds great, but just
the title is like, "I'm in."

-When I think about nuns
with guns,

I think of that classic picture
of Zoe Tamerlis in "Ms .45."

You know, in that last scene,

remember she goes to
a party in a nun costume

and just opens fire?

Pure Abel Ferrara magic.
Every nun should have a gun.

I agree.

-Here! Over here!

This way.
Hurry!

This way.

This way. Follow me.

-Mira, there is
somebody coming.

-She's the one.

-Who are you?
Where are the others?

-Beware, sire. She's a witch.

Don't let her speak to you.
Don't let her touch you.

She's one of them
in league with Satan.

She's one of many
who serve their master.

They have brought the contagion.

They bear the cross
on the soles of their feet.

They tread on all that is holy.

Was it not written
in the prophecy?

Were we not warned
that they would come

and spread like locusts?

-You won't hurt me, will you?

-Ah.

Ah, ah.

-Behold the stigmata!
The sign of the demon!

-Kill them. All of them.
Not one must be allowed to live.

-Argh!

-Ugh!
-Aah!

-Pull!

-Down there.
She's coming back to life.

Hurry, before they all return
from the dead

and wreak vengeance upon us.

Cover them. Cover them at once.

They must be hidden
from the sight of man forever.

Bury them, bury them!

-Bury them!
Bury them!

Filthy demons from hell!

-Don't let them
come back to life.

-Evil demons from Satan.

-Faster.
Shovel faster.

-What must we do now?
The men are frightened.

-Shovel, shovel.

-Bless the site.

And build a church on it.

A holy shrine to imprison
the demon in this pit forever.

-Shh!

-Cover those vile creatures
completely.

Curse them!

-In the name of the Father
and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost.

Holy Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed

is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

-I'm sorry. Please excuse me.

I'm -- I'm really very sorry.

-That's okay.

That's what I get
for oversleeping.

It's just that it's my first day
of work, and I'm already late.

What a divine fresco.

-Mm-hmm.
-Which way is the library?

-Hey.

-Thanks.

Hey, how about a cup
of coffee later?

-Okay.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Who are you?
You're not a priest.

-I'm the new librarian.

I have to catalog
all these books.

Unfortunately.
My name is Evan.

-I am Lotte.
I'm the sacristan's daughter.

Unfortunately.

-Psst!

Hey.

Come here.

Close your eyes.

Did you hear the horse?

-What? What horse?

Good morning.

-It's your first day,
and you're already late.

Not a good start.

-I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
It won't happen again.

-You were told to be here
at 8:00 sharp,

and I don't think
there is any reason, Lotte,

why you should be here
in the library.

-I won't be late again,
Your Grace.

-The Gospel according
to St. Luke,

Chapter 8, verses 27 to 30.

"And when he went forth
and walked over the land,

he met a man outside
the walls of the city.

And this man had been possessed
by demons for many years.

The man was in rags
and he had no house to dwell in.

His dwelling place
was in the tombs.

And Jesus asked him,
'What is thy name?'

And the man answered, 'Legion,'

because many devils had lived
in his body for a long time.

He was born an outcast,
and all men

fled the deserted places
where Legion dwelled.

They fled temptation,
just as we all must flee it.

We must meet Satan's power
with the power of our Lord,

who sustains us in our struggle
against evil.

We must be vigilant
that we do not fall victim

to Satan's legions

and be banished from the
dwelling of the righteous"...

-What is it?
-Better have a look.

-I'll be right there.
-..."and exiled to the regions

of death and darkness,
As was the man who" --

-..."who implored Jesus to drive
the demons from his body."

-Stop! Stop!

-Go ahead.
-It's crumbling away.

-That's what I told you.
-We have to stop.

Don't drill anymore.

-Judging by the sound
of the drill, I'd say there's --

there's a cave under there.
A big one.

-Yes.
I've got to make a report.

There's no longer any question
of restoration here.

We must stop work immediately.

-There you are.

Weren't we supposed to have
a cup of coffee together?

-We have a problem.
Look at these cracks.

-That's not your job.

Why don't you call the
Historic Monuments Commission?

-You're right.
Okay.

Leave things as they are.
I'll examine the cracks later.

-Whatever you say, ma'am.
-Let's get out of here.

I'm seeing visions after
cataloging all those books.

-Visions of burning sinners
and devils

with pitchforks, I suppose.

-Why not angels laying down
some great harp and virgins

dancing in ecstasy?

-Evan. Look what I found.

-A parchment.

It must be
hundreds of years old.

Where did you find it?

-Down below where
the workmen have been.

-I'd like to try
to decipher it.

-The bishop should see it.

-No, wait.
I want to look at it first.

You don't find these things
every day.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

-Evan.

-Yes. I'll be glad to give you
a lift home.

-Thanks. I appreciate it.

-Bye.

-Afternoon, Your Grace.

-What was that girl
doing in here?

-Uh, nothing.
Just wanted a ride home.

-Well, you know what?

I'm going to tip
the production designer

on that opening sequence

where the Teutonic Knights
brutally massacre

an entire village
to stamp out demon possession.

And, um,
I was going to actually.

Oh, gosh. See this --

See, this is another danger
of these things

because, actually, recently I
was going to do the custom tip,

and I hit -- and I hit it.

And then, I was going to do $2,
and I just did the two

and I hit send,
and I tipped two cents.

And I just -- I don't
know what you do in that case.

You say, "Would you put it
back up?" or what...

So I just kind of slinked
out of it.

-And you'll never go
there again.

-Anyway, I --

I guess we're supposed to think
they really are witches,

since Mira did have the stigmata
on the bottom of her foot.

But I'm going to question
the logic of trying

to stamp out demons
by building a church on top

of murdered people.

Don't they try
to keep unholy people out

of Catholic burial grounds,

even if they're just side
by side with the church,

much less underneath
the foundations of the church?

Like, if you commit suicide,

you can't be buried
in consecrated ground.

Right, Darcy?

-Oh, sorry. You're asking me?
-You're Catholic.

I'm asking you.

-Oh, yes. Right. Yes.
Suicide is a mortal sin. Yes.

-Yeah, it's definitely --
-My child.

-So, if that gets your body
kicked out,

why would you put hundreds
of people

who have already
been kicked out for consorting

with demons underneath
the church?

-I think the idea is
that the holiness will seal

them underground.

-Okay, well, Monsignor
Balducci did approve the script,

so the Vatican agrees, I guess.

So, apparently,
Michele Soavi, the director,

and Dario Argento, the producer,

were into the writings
of this guy Fulcanelli.

He only had one name,

and we don't know if
that was his real name or not.

But Fulcanelli was an alchemist
who lived in the 1920s,

and after he disappeared
without a trace in 1937,

people who knew him published
these two esoteric books.

And I'm sorry, Darcy, I'm
going to spend a minute on this,

because apparently Argento
and Soavi -- I'll tip you.

I'll tip you so that I can talk.

-I was going to detract
your tip.

Okay. Either one works.
-All right.

Um, apparently,

both the producer
and the director went bonkers

and started
believing in alchemy.

And they believed that there
were hidden symbols embedded

in all the cathedrals of Europe

supposedly put there
by divine entities.

So he was basically saying --
Fulcanelli was basically saying,

why would everybody start
building these cathedrals

around the year 1000?

And why did they pop
up all over Europe?

And his answer was,

some supernatural force
larger than us was telling us

how the universe works,

but only telling it
to the smart people,

the people who knew
how to decode it from stuff

that was in the cathedrals.
And in fact, it's impo--

Speaking of decoding,

it's impossible
to decode Fulcanelli's books

because they're full
of puns in Latin and Greek

and weird rants on unrelated
subjects...

...and symbolic language

that can be interpreted
in many ways.

Anyway, there are
two recorded instances

where Fulcanelli supposedly
turned lead into gold,

once in 1922, again in 1937,

and the second time he
also turned silver into uranium.

And supposedly
these feats were witnessed

by physicists and geologists.
So, all right.

So, two of the finest
film directors in Rome

got conned by this guy

and they tried to put this
into the movie "The Church."

-What if he really did it?

-Then you can ram a Teutonic
spear through my gizzards,

Darcy -- this is some kind of
literary hoax.

But Soavi fell for it.
Tried to put it in the movie.

That's why,
as the movie progresses,

it doesn't make a lick of sense.
-It makes sense.

It just doesn't make
sense, sense.

-Well, you're gonna -- I mean,

you're gonna you're gonna
say the old Eli Roth thing.

It makes dream vision sense.
-There you go.

It's dream sense.
-Uh, I don't know.

My definition of sense
is that it's rational,

but whatever.

The mutant family
will be the judges of

whether the movie makes sense.

So put up a poll.
Yes or no.

"The Church" does/
does not make sense?

Put that poll up
on social media.

We'll see who wins.

So the way
this movie got started

is they were getting
ready to do "Demons 3"

with the usual writer,
Franco Ferrini, great writer.

He also wrote "Once Upon a Time
in America," many other movies.

But then Lamberto Bava, who
directed the first two movies,

got upset by
how much time it was taking.

So he quit the project to go
work on lucrative TV shows.

And this pissed off Argento,

who later gave interviews
stating that Bava was fired

because he had become
a television hack

and the distributor
wouldn't have him.

Untrue.

According to everybody
except Argento.

Anyway, they brought in
the other great giallo writer,

Ernesto Gastaldi, and Argento
asked Soavi to direct.

Now, Argento and Soavi

had been close friends ever
since Soavi was 19 years old

and he went to Argento
and treated him like a god.

And then, he worked
his way up through the system.

He was a grip.
He was a script boy.

He was a stagehand.
He was a production secretary.

He was an assistant director.
He was a continuity supervisor.

He was an assistant editor.

He worked on little
low-budget movies

for Joe D'Amato
that had eight-person crews.

And it was actually Joe D'Amato,
it was not Dario Argento who

gave Soavi his first directing
job on the movie "StageFright."

And, so, Soavi was already
a little upset

that Argento wouldn't
back "StageFright,"

but he saw replacing Bava as
an opportunity, so he took it.

And then, people -- Here's
something you should understand.

People look at Soavi's résumé,
and they wonder,

how did he have time
for all this?

How did he get so many jobs
and just constantly be doing

one tiny job after another
after another?

Well, the answer is that
he frequently worked for free

because he was
independently wealthy.

He came from the Olivetti family
of Italy.

They manufactured --

First, they invented --
or they didn't invent them,

but they manufactured
famous typewriters

and then calculators
and computers

that were used all
over the world.

So, anyway, most people
who worked on the movie

say that Argento left Soavi
alone to direct it the way

he wanted to direct it.

Soavi says the opposite.

He says Argento was breathing
down his neck the whole time.

The one thing
the two guys did agree on

was using all
this Fulcanelli bull stuff.

All right, back to the movie.

-Don't forget to tip.
-It's an Italian movie.

You always got to talk
about this.

You know, I have --
I have only been

in a Catholic church five
or six times.

-Really?
-And I'll tell you --

Funerals, weddings, you know,
what have you

when you have to go there.

And the reason is most Catholic
churches give me the creeps.

And I was a Latin student.

I mean, I should think it's cool

because the priest talks Latin,
right?

I mean, did you like the church
when you were a kid?

-I mean,
what kid likes going to church?

I like CCD, though.
-You liked what?

-CCD.
-What is that?

-Um...
It's like when they teach you

about First Communion and
Confirmation and the Sacraments.

It's like Sunday school,
but like on a Monday.

-I don't even know about
any of that stuff.

Did they teach you
about Teutonic Knights

slaughtering witches?
Did they teach that?

Yeah, I feel like they did.

So what did you like
about it?

-I mean, that part was cool.

It was like a fun version
of Sunday School.

And I didn't know better.
I didn't know it was church.

-Well, okay, I kind of get that
because I had a Sunday school

teacher who was an FBI agent,

and he would bring his gun
and put it on the table.

-Shut up. Really? Wow.

-That's the only Sunday school
class I remember.

-Yeah,
but ours was on Mondays,

so it was like Monday school.

-So an extra day of church
stuff, and you still liked it?

-Yeah. Go figure.
-Had to go on Monday.

-They tricked us.
-All right.

Something tells me
that you're Team Demon

when the chaos starts
at this church.

-What gives you that idea?

-Well, I'm going to find
your old CCD teacher

and tell him that.

-He won't be surprised
one bit.

I promise you that.

So, can you understand
when they speak Latin, then?

-Can I understand the Latin?
No.

-Yeah. Well, how long did you
take it?

Six years.

-And you can't understand it.

-I cannot understand the Latin
liturgy, no, not a word.

-You should have gone
to CCD, sir.

-I know, right?

I've been working all day
on that parchment.

It appears to have been written
in some strange sort of code.

I can't decipher it.

-Where are we going?
Did you want to do something?

-It's a form of scripture,

but not in a language
that I can distinguish.

-You shouldn't have
brought it with you.

-Nobody knows
except you and me.

Anyway, I did recognize
one thing.

The symbol of
the Teutonic Knights.

-Who are they?
A religious order?

-Yes, a military religious
order that defended the pilgrims

traveling to the Holy Land
at the time of the Crusades.

They later took over
half of Europe.

Their cruelty became legendary.

For instance, when they laid
siege to a village,

they would surround it
with hanging corpses

to terrorize the townspeople.

They appealed
a lot to the Nazis.

Hitler drew his inspiration from
them when he founded the SS.

The Iron Cross,
his favorite decoration,

was modeled on the Black Cross
of the Teutonic Knights.

-Lord bless this food
and those who sit at thy table.

Amen.

-Amen.
-Amen.

-Reverend, I found a quote that
you can use for your sermon.

-Mm. "The world is the devil's."

The world is the devil's.

In other words,

the world identifies itself
with the devil.

Isn't that a bit strong,
Your Grace?

-Why? No God, no devil.
And the devil is everywhere.

Even when you put the flowers
on the altar,

the devil is at your shoulder.
Isn't that so, Reverend?

-Sorry I'm late.

-I would appreciate it,
Father Gus,

if you could be punctual
for all meals.

-Sorry, Your Grace.

-Father Gus, I wonder
whether you can suggest

a Latin quotation for my sermon.

-To be honest,
I'm rather diffident at Latin,

Reverend.

-Your prunes.

-♪ I got this ♪

♪ That, too ♪

♪ I got those ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ Well, you can get
what you want ♪

♪ Get what you need ♪

-Here we are.

What do you think?

-Hmm. Nice.

You live here alone?
-Mm-hmm.

I'm going to have a shower.

Amuse yourself while I'm gone.
-Right.

-Have you ever heard of a
French writer named Fulcanelli?

According to him,
the tables of law

were buried under one
of these Gothic cathedrals.

The tables that were once
kept in the Ark.

-Shades of Indiana Jones.

-I'm not joking. The proof
is that, exactly at that time,

the first huge Gothic cathedrals
sprang up all over Europe.

Don't you see?
There's no other explanation

of where they got
the knowledge to build them.

-Isn't that fascinating?

-Just think what might be
buried under these cathedrals.

Things stolen from
the Holy Land, treasure.

Or maybe the key to some unknown
science we've lost all trace of.

Something that could turn
the finder into a superman,

a god.

I've got to find out
what's in that parchment.

-But that's sacrilegious.

-I don't care.

I don't want to spend the rest
of my life looking at old books.

-Look at my hands.
I can't get them clean.

Mm.

-Es locus in quo
absconditor.

"There is a place
in which there is hidden."

Super lapida.

Septem oculis sum.

"A stone with seven eyes."

I've got to find a stone
with seven eyes.

You know, this is the only
cathedral in which no king

has ever been buried,
nor even a bishop.

Why?

There's only one tomb.
The builder's.

Maybe they didn't want
anyone to dig.

-What if I told the bishop?

-Come on, sweetheart.
You're on my side.

Huh?

Aah!
-Where have you been?

Your bed hasn't been slept in.
You've been out.

-No, Daddy. I went down to pray.

-Dressed like that?

You can't pull the wool
over my eyes.

You've been drinking
and smoking.

Little liar.
You were out all right.

How did you get out?
I locked all the doors.

How did you get out?

-Hermann, come to bed.

-Where are you going?

Why don't you stay
and keep me company?

-Why don't you come with me
and forget the whole thing?

-Are you crazy?

Ah.

Here, take this. But you
have to promise to read it.

-Okay. I have to go.

-Be careful now, okay?

I'll leave the porch
light on for you.

-All right. Okay.

-Shh.

-"That which was entrusted
to you, keep safe."

Don't see the stone
with seven eyes.

Gosh.

Aaaaah!

Lotte.

Lotte, come out.

I know you're here.

-Lotte.

Come out.

I heard you.

Lotte.

Aah!

-Wow. A lot going on
in the subbasement.

And nice move on that jib,
Chris.

You get an 18% tip for that.

And, uh, John and Tim,

you were really good
on camera two on the last one.

So you get that.
Ian, you need some work.

So, uh, you know,
we'll check on you.

We'll do the custom on you.
2 bucks for you.

-2 cents.
-Okay. All right.

Nobody in this movie seems
too competent at their job.

I wouldn't tip anybody
in this movie.

Lisa is the worst ever
art history student.

She'd rather read
a Mickey Mouse comic book

than talk about the ancient
parchment that they just found.

That's Barbara Cupisti,
the girlfriend of Michele Soavi,

who would retire from film
in 2002

and pursue a career
as a presenter

on the Rai television network

and make human rights
documentaries.

But at the time, she was
appearing in a whole bunch

of horror films,

including some of the best ones

like "Cemetery Man"
and "New York Ripper"

for Lucio Fulci.

Apparently she's bored
with restoring frescoes

and just wants to get laid

while Evan the librarian
is the opposite.

He can't think of sex.

There are ancient secrets
to be discovered,

secrets that could turn him
into a superman or a god.

And he sucks as an archivist,
too,

because first
he lights a cigarette

while he's reading the ancient
parchment that's falling apart.

And then he puts a lighter
on top of it

so he can see
the parchment better.

That actor is Tomas Arana, who
had a very interesting career.

He's known today for playing
major bad guy character parts

in big-budget action pictures
like "Hunt for Red October"

and "The Bodyguard"
and "L.A. Confidential,"

"The Bourne Supremacy."
-He changed so much.

-"Gladiator." He what?
-He's changed so much.

He's so scary now.
-He looks very different now.

-So different.
-"The Dark Knight Rises."

You would have to look him up
to know what he looks like now.

Very versatile actor.

Grew up in San Francisco,

had some success off Broadway
in New York.

Was part of the original troupe
at La MaMa,

the leading
experimental avant-garde theater

on the Lower East Side.

He became good friends
with Andy Warhol.

He hung out at Studio 54.

He went to
the "Spo-leh-to" Festival.

That's in your hometown.
-The "Spo-lay-to"?

-The Spo--

-Oh, I didn't know
what you said for a minute.

-"Spo-lay-to"?
-We say Spoleto, man.

-Oh, I thought it was
"Spo-leh-to."

-Spoleto.
Summerville, what's up?

-In Charleston, yeah.
-Yeah. Summerville.

-That's where he probably
developed his obsession for --

That's a partnership
between America and Italy.

And so that's probably

where he developed
his obsession for Italian films.

So in 1978, he moved to Naples

and his very first film
in his whole career

was directed by the super
celebrity director in Italy

at the time,
Lina Wertmueller, "Blood Feud,"

which was -- which also
starred Marcello Mastroianni,

Sophia Loren,
and Giancarlo Giannini.

So, you know,
that was his first film.

He was with all
of those great actors,

founded his own avant-garde
performance art theater

in Milan.

He produced shows
that involved dance and fencing

and Japanese swordsmanship,

and he developed friendships
with fellow artistes

Russell Crowe and Willem Dafoe.

And then his very first
lead role was in "The Church."

-Wow.
-This is his first lead role.

So here you see him at the
beginning of his film career,

although he was 35 years old
by the time he did this movie.

And then, of course,

this is the first major role
for 13-year-old Asia Argento,

the daughter of Dario Argento
and Daria Nicolodi, the actress.

And Asia made her first movie
at age 9, "Demons."

But she had a very complicated
relationship with her father.

She said, "Sometimes I think
he gave me life

so he could have
a lead actress."

I interviewed her --
-Could be true.

-Well, I interviewed her
about 25 years ago.

And when I asked her how
her father had influenced her,

she said,
"I like the color red."

Wow.

-Which I thought was
pretty funny.

She said "He stopped
being a father when I was 9.

Then he just became
the director."

You know, so I don't know
if she later changed her mind,

but at the time,
she really didn't want to be

in any more Argento projects.

Anyway, she's a little young
for this part.

Lotte is supposed to be
around 16,

but she nails it,
don't you think?

I think she nails it.
-Yeah, no, she's amazing.

-And now that
her father has been knocked cold

by -- her father in the movie

has been knocked cold
by a transformed Evan,

let's see how she deals with it.
So back to the movie.

-You get a tip for clarifying.

-Roll it.
Yeah, I get a tip for that?

-For clarifying
it was the movie father.

-What does the --

She's the daughter
of the sacristan.

What does the sacristan do?

Lotte's father is the sacristan.

Let's -- Let's test how closely

you were paying attention
in CCD.

-He's like the AD.

-Oh,
like the assistant director?

-Yeah.

He does things like
he cleans the priest robes

and makes sure
the holy water is there.

He does the candle stuff.
He's like a janitor and a valet.

Right?
-Interesting.

Does he park cars?
-No.

More like
the technical director.

Are you --
I'm trying to explain for you.

You're going to mock me?

-No, no.

-He puts the bread
and the wine up front,

and he cleans up a lot.

-Okay.
Well, I think he's dead.

-Or a demon.
-In this movie.

-Thanks again for clarifying.

-Not good to be a demon

if you're in charge
of the holy water, right?

-Yeah.
They could switch it to Evian.

-Yeah, I guess they could.

In Italy.
-What?

-The Gothic cathedrals
were part of a cosmic design.

But the meaning of this design
is beyond our knowledge.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?

Who is it?

Aah!

Oh! Oh!

- Hello?
- Hello? Police?

Police!
-Yes, ma'am?

- What's the problem? Hello?
- Please come quickly.

- Where are you, ma'am?
- What's the problem?

-Please help me! Help!

Somebody is trying to kill me.

Come quickly! Help!

Oh!

Ah!

What's going on here, lady?
-It's in there.

-It was trying to kill me.
It's still inside.

-Give me a hand with her.
-It tried to kill me.

-I'll get her.
-It was a monster.

-Call an ambulance quick.
It's all over now.

It's all over. Calm down.
We'll take care of everything.

You're just lucky
we traced your call.

-We need an ambulance at...
-She's in a state of shock.

-It wasn't a man.
It was a monster.

-Uh-huh. I believe you.
-It was a monster!

-We'll wait in the car.

-Hold it just like that. Smile.
-No. Lift the veil. Lift it.

-Right.
-Do something...

-We don't have all day.

We have to be finished
in an hour.

Call the princess. Hurry.

-Come on. She wants you.
Come on, come on, come on.

-How do I look?
-Great.

-Okay, then.

-Smile.

-Evan.

-Hi. Just arriving?

How come so late?

-Oh, Evan.
You haven't any idea.

Something terrible
happened to me.

Somebody tried to kill me
last night at home.

-Tried to kill you?

-It was a monster.

-It must have been
wearing a mask.

-I don't think so.

It was worse than that.

Much worse.

What about you? I called you.

What happened to you?

-There isn't much to tell.

I hadn't been there very long
when the sacristan appeared.

The idiot jumped on me
like a maniac.

Like it was dark
so he didn't recognize me.

Sweetheart.

Don't I get a kiss?

-No, Evan, not here. Not now.

Stop it.

No!

No! You must be crazy!

Crazy.

-What's wrong with Lisa, Evan?

-Who knows?

Nerves, maybe.

-Hmm.

-As they say...

you can never
tell with women.

-Miss Bruckner, I read
somewhere that the builders

of the Gothic cathedrals
constructed them in such a way

that it was possible
to make them collapse

by pressing a secret spot.

-If there's a spot like that,

you can bet he'll put his finger
on it by mistake.

-Well, Otto, so much has been
written about these cathedrals.

-You and your stupid bike.

What if the mechanic
can't fix it by tonight?

We'll miss the concert.

-So which is it most?

You afraid you'll miss
the concert or Frank?

-Don't start that again.

-And now, boys and girls,
let's go and see the tomb

of the architect
of this cathedral.

Stay close together.

-I'm here with you now, right?

I'm going to the concert
with you, okay?

Are you going to be
like this the whole time?

You're really becoming
a royal pain.

-But you called him
from the mechanic's.

I heard you.
You can't deny it.

I can't hear a thing.
This contraption doesn't work.

-Huh?

You're as deaf as a post.

-I'm not deaf as a post.
It's this damn contraption.

-Lotte.

Lotte!

-Yes?

-Would you mind
opening the window, please?

-Sure.

-Lotte.

-What's wrong? Don't be afraid.

I won't bite you.

You didn't go to school today.

How come?
-I didn't feel well.

-Did you have a tummy ache,
little girl?

-No, I had a headache.

-You're lying.

That's not very nice.

Why don't we open up your tummy?

And see what's the matter.

Okay?

Huh? This where it hurts, huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Dad, help me, please.

He's crazy.
I think he wanted to kill me.

Dad, listen to me, please.

-Who did?
-Evan. The new librarian.

-Evan?

Evan is a good man.

-But, Dad, I tell you,
he wanted to kill me.

He's a monster.

-What do you mean?

Don't say that.

You're lying.

-Aah! No!

Daddy, let me go.
Don't hurt me. Let me go.

No! Stop! Let me go.

Daddy, no.
Please don't hurt me, please!

-Don't keep me waiting for
those onions, Hermann.

-Daddy! Daddy!
What are you going to do to me?

-Wash out your mouth with soap.
-Stop! Stop!

-I'll teach you to say
nasty things about people.

-Stop! Stop!

-Lotte.

Lotte!

Oh.

-Watch where you're going.
-Where did she --

-Little idiot.

She didn't get dirty, did she?

-Did anybody get permission
to do the shoot inside?

We could get in trouble.
-If they say anything,

I'll flash them
a big, big smile.

-You know, Darcy,
I am giving you a 25% tip.

And you know why?
It's because when we were trying

to choose which movie goes
first tonight,

whether it was "This Night
I'll Possess Your Corpse"

or "The Church," most people
would say "The Church"

because it's, you know,
more famous.

You were the one who said,
"Let's go big with Coffin Joe."

And you were absolutely right.

-We'll see.
I'm going to put up a poll.

-Okay.

And that's why we're kind of,
like, discombobulated right now.

So this is the part of
the movie

where you either fall
in love with this movie,

or you despise the movie because
it doesn't make a lick of sense.

It's like they suddenly
remembered they were making

"Demons 3," so they have to get
everybody infected

and trapped inside
the cathedral.

And to do that, they just have
a bunch of set pieces,

like the goat-head Satan
that appears at Lisa's house.

Why would there be demons

and satanic presences
outside the church, Darcy?

-I don't know,

but that is an awesome
goat-head Satan.

-It is an awesome Satan.

-So good.

-That's one
of the medieval icons

that Soavi stuck into the story
during the six weeks

he took to write the script
or rewrite the script.

Remember, he didn't
want to make "Demons 3,"

but he was rewriting a script
that was "Demons 3."

So I'm going to -- In fact,
I want to quote what he said

this part of the movie is about.

He says,
"I took what was conceived as --

as schlock pizza cinema
and turned it --

turned it into a strong essay
on karma

and the ambiguous
inner conflicts we all

face at some time in our lives."

What? What? He's -- Karma?
Where's the karma part?

-I see it now.

-Where's the inner conflict
part?

What's the inner conflict?
What do Evan and --

-It's so obvious, Joe Bob.
-What do Evan and Lisa

do that results
in their becoming demons?

You know?
But it gets weirder.

Dario Argento is
still producing the movie,

so he describes what
he thinks it is in an interview.

He says "'The Church' is
a beautiful, visionary film.

My brief to Michele
was for him to explore

the feelings I had..."

He -- He wants the movie
to be about feelings

he had "about life
in contemporary Germany

being the beginning
of a new Middle Ages.

Michele made
the Hitler references

and evil allusions work."
-Mm, yeah.

-"Anyone expecting
another 'Demons'

is in for a big surprise."

Well, I do agree on that part.

But you know,

life in contemporary Germany
being the beginning

of a new Middle Ages?

Did you even know we were
in Germany at this point?

What? I don't understand
either of these thematic goals,

and the thematic goals seem
to be at odds.

Do you, Darcy?
-Yes, yes.

Now that they mention it,
I see -- I see that influence.

But the special effects
are really cool.

That's what matters.
-True.

You have Evan ripping
his own heart out of his chest,

and after that, he becomes --

he becomes sort of a rapist,
right?

-I'm not sure whether he wants
to rape her or cut her open.

-Well, I think to him,
it's the same thing.

Anyway, we get a lot
of sexual assault,

and then we get all
these random characters

that are introduced
into the cathedral

as members of the wedding party

and that -- actually,
that created friction

between Argento and Soavi
because Argento insisted

that the bride be played
by Antonella Vitale

because she was
his girlfriend at the time

and Soavi didn't want --
didn't -- didn't want her.

And he tried to use somebody
else and they clashed over it.

But Soavi didn't have
much leverage in that argument

because he'd already cast his
girlfriend as the female lead.

He was dating Barbara Cupisti.

So when you research
these Italian movies,

you start to realize that
all these filmmakers and actors

and directors and screenwriters
in Rome in the '70s and '80s,

they all knew one another.

It was not that large
of a group.

But anyway, at this point,

Soavi is creating this world

where there's no rhyme or reason
as to who gets infected

or why they get infected.

Doesn't really have anything
to do with karma, though.

You get scratched by a demon,
you're a demon.

So it's really like
people are being punished

for curiosity, I guess.

I mean, the art historian
and the librarian

lead an army into hell.
Is that what's happening?

Darcy, I'm really
kind of confused.

-Probably.

Let's say yes. Yes, definitely.
-All right.

Back to the movie.

Why is it
that when you go to Italy

or most countries in Europe,
they always try to get you

to go to the big church,
you know?

When they
don't go to the big church,

the people that live there.

Yeah, I get it. Beautiful
stained glass, history.

What's that guy on PBS?

He's always telling you
which one to go to.

Great vaulted ceilings,
the nave, the transept,

the altars, the crypts
of the kings, whatever.

But they treat their churches
like museums.

They don't really go to church
over there.

Am I wrong about that?

-Um,
I think people go to the church

for specific things they need.

They just -- They don't go on
a regular schedule

like Americans do.
-Right.

I mean, you get the impression

that Sunday school over there is
not a big deal, right?

-Do you remember when I went
to Notre Dame or Notre-Dame,

however you say it.
-Notre Dame, yeah.

-Okay.
Before they had the big fire?

-I do remember that
because you got lost in Paris.

And so you were -- you were --
you were calling me

to tell you
where to go in Paris.

So I helped you find Notre-Dame.

-I might have been
a little imbibed.

-Okay.
-Lost in Paris.

Who else do you call
but Joe Bob Briggs?

-It was so hard.
-He was leading me

street by street,
to safety, to Notre-Dame.

-I opened Google Maps,

and I helped you find
the biggest church

in the middle of the city
on its own island.

That was so difficult to find.

-You saved my life that night,
sir.

-You must have been
really nervous

because I also helped you
find the McDonald's.

-Oh, my God.
-I can't imagine you going --

-That was the best part
of Paris.

The McDonald's in Paris
was so good.

Yes. But I had a veggie burger,
just so you know.

-That's a famous McDonald's.

Because the French
hate McDonald's.

And so that was a big deal.

-Do they really? It's so good.
Go to Paris McDonald's.

Check it out.

-They hate everything
American.

-And yet they have
a French Disneyland

or Disney World, I guess.

-Yeah, they do.
But why -- why did you want

to go to Notre-Dame
in the first place?

-Quasimodo.

-Oh, okay.

Right. Of course.
-Thanks for your help.

-Excuse me, Father.

We wanted to ask your permission
to take a few photos.

It's so nice in here.

-You married today?
-Yes. Or we're going to be.

-Look, you'll
have to excuse me.

All right, but make it quick
and go easy on the flash.

-Let's get a move on.
Come on.

Hurry.

-May the Lord enlighten you
and help you make

a good confession.

-Father, help me.

I no longer believe.

I have lost my faith.

Please, I need your help.
I have always shunned evil.

That is why I shut myself and
my family away from the world.

-I know who you are.
It's Hermann, isn't it?

-No.
I am no longer the sacristan.

I'm not Hermann any longer.
Last night,

the angel of evil possessed me
and I became his servant.

I want to do evil, to kill.

To kill and destroy!

-Ow!
-What the hell?

-Look out!
-For God's sake!

-What's wrong with that asshole?
He ruined the shot.

-As he went by, he scratched me.
-It's nothing at all.

-Come, boys and girls,
it's time to continue on.

Stay close together.

-Heinrich.
-Huh?

-Children, don't go
wandering off.

-Did you see that awful man?

-And take that out
of your mouth.

-It had to be my best side.
-It's nothing, Bruno.

-Anyone got a mirror?
-You poor baby.

You want a kiss
to make it better?

-I'm telling you that it hurts.

Aah!

-No!

No!

-I don't think
you're right for the groom.

-I want him to look
like a clown.

-Hey, hey.
Children, get away! Get away!

Look up. Look up.
A little more to the right.

Now smile. One more like that.

Turn your head to the right.

A little higher.

Radiant smile.

Oh.

No! Oh!

It's caught.

-Your Grace,
something terrible has happened.

The sacristan is dead.

-Shh.

It was intended that
the secret should remain buried

in oblivion
for thousands of years.

If it has come before your eyes,
oh, unfortunate ones,

the terrible truth
is then vivid.

Evil in this land

has taken the form of monstrous
creatures that we call demons.

-What else does it say?

-Shh.
-Claudette! Taron!

This is crazy.
I can't stand it much longer.

-Who's responsibility?
-Ohh.

-Darling, hold on a minute.
We don't want to ruin the dress.

It cost a fortune,
and we have to return it.

-But I can't -- I can't breathe.

-I said wait.

Why don't you open
that damn door? Well?

-But, madam, I told you already,
there's nothing I can do.

And that's the only door.

-What shall I do
with the children?

-Miss Bruckner,
it says in the book,

it says the original
mono portal structure

has remained unaltered
since the Middle Ages.

So this is the only way
in or out.

-You hear that?
Congratulations.

I guess that takes care
of the concert.

Now you'll have me
all to yourself.

Shit.

-Reverend.

There's no time to lose.

-What's happened?
-I-I don't know.

But we have to get
these people out of here.

Now, you call the police.
I'll try to get the doors.

-Wait.
Shouldn't we tell the bishop?

-He already knows.
Now just call the police.

-Since when do you give orders?

-Listen, you!

-Shouldn't we be calling
someone?

The fire brigade?

-The sacristan is dead.

His guts are all over
the floor down there.

Now call the damn police.

-What a curious event.
And what's he looking at?

-Reverend.
Reverend, wait.

Have you found another exit?

-I've already told you,
there isn't any.

-It's not possible.
I'm responsible

for all these children.
Their parents will be worried.

You've got to find another exit.

Help me.

-Whee! Whee!

-Impossible.

There has to be more
than one door in the church.

-Ah!
-Come on. Have a biscuit.

They're groovy.

-Father, who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name.
Thy...

Thy -- Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done...

...on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Aah!

-Why don't you
all stop talking

and do something
to get me out of here?

-Patient, Vilma.
Another second, dear.

-Excuse me. Do you have anything
like a knife?

-Will this do?
-Oh, that'll do it.

-Come, Heinrich.
I have a fab idea.

-There, there. Come on.

-What?

What in God's name is going on?

-Water.

-I'll go and look for some.

-Hey, Miss Bruckner,

do you realize that the time
is a quarter past midnight?

Your watch is two hours behind.
-Oh!

My glasses.
Otto, help me find my glasses.

Otto, where are you?
I can't see.

-Where the fuck have you been?

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

What are you staring at me
like that for, you idiot?

-Joanna, we have to
get out of here.

-So what are we waiting for?

-This way, Miss Bruckner.
They found your glasses.

-Thank you, Otto.
You're such a good boy.

-Oh.

-Aah!

-Yah!

-Okay, so I think --
don't quote me on this,

but I think the bishop is
the only person

who knows what's going on.

He's been entrusted
by the Vatican

to keep the secrets
of the church.

And the bishop is played
by the great actor

Feodor Chaliapin Jr.
Love that guy.

The reason he has that junior
on his name is his father,

Feodor Chaliapin Sr.,
was a world-famous opera singer.

So he grew up
in this famous Russian family.

His mother was a prima ballerina

who retired to raise six
children with the opera singer.

He was born in 1905.

But then
when he was 12 years old,

he fled Russia with his father

in the middle
of the Russian Revolution.

And they lived in Paris.

But then, as a grownup,
he moved to Hollywood,

and he got a lot of roles
in silent films.

But here's the best part --
he didn't become famous

until he was 81 years old.

In 1986, he played the blind,
murderous monk

in "The Name of the Rose"

opposite Sean Connery
and F. Murray Abraham.

And that led to a key role
in "Moonstruck."

And then he was Robert De Niro's
father in "Stanley & Iris."

And Sean Connery
had the best description of him.

He said,
"He's deaf and he's blind,

and he'll steal every scene
from you."

By the time he made
"The Church,"

Chaliapin had lost his
short-term memory,

so he could not remember
his lines.

So the lines were all prompted
from off screen.

Fortunately, in Italy
they don't --

they usually don't record
sound on the set,

so the lines were prompted
from off screen.

But what everyone said
was amazing

is that he would say
the lines one at a time,

and they would just be beautiful
on the very first take.

And then one day
he took a break from the set,

and he came out of the restroom

a few minutes later with
his male member hanging out,

and everybody was
too embarrassed

to point it out to him.

And so it stayed out
for about 15 minutes.

And then he noticed it,

and he laughed and he stuffed
it back inside his pants.

So that was Feodor Chaliapin
Jr., a legend in acting circles.

-Let's cheers to him.
-Yeah. Cheer to him.

Give him a 25%.
-Yes. 20%.

-Yeah. Oh, he's dead.
-Custom.

-He's dead.
We can't tip dead people.

That's gross.

All right.
Anyway, you got to admit,

he's still stealing
every scene in this movie.

And while we're talking
about great actors,

that's Hugh Quarshie
as Father Gus.

Ghanaian actor. Ghanaian?
Somebody from Ghana.

He's from Ghana.

A Ghanaian actor who would
become well known in England

because he spent 20 years
on a popular TV show

called "Holby City."
But at the time,

he was known
as the first Black actor

ever to play Hamlet
in the West End

as part of
the Royal Shakespeare Company.

He was also
in "Nightbreed," "Highlander."

In case you haven't noticed,

he's becoming the protagonist
of the story.

We started out with Evan.

We briefly moved over
to the Bishop.

We thought it might be Lisa.

And now, at the one hour mark,

it's slowly dawning on us

that Father Gus is
the main actor in the movie.

Or I think it's more accurate
to say

that there is no protagonist.

Or if there is one,

the protagonist is
the invisible devil.

But remember,
according to Soavi,

the movie is about karma
and life choices.

How can there be life choices
when you just get scratched

and that turns you into a demon?

Or if you believe
Argento's description,

it's about contemporary Germany
ushering in a new Middle Ages.

No idea about that one.
Absolutely none.

Back to the movie. Roll it.

See, at this point,

the movie has just
been turned over

to the special effects
department.

Am I being too hard
on this film?

-It can be a little confusing.

-Okay,
so we got Teutonic Knights.

-Okay.

-Teutonic Knights
still exist today.

It's a German thing, obviously.

Why they chose Teutonic Knights
instead of any other knights,

I don't know.

All the "Demons" films
are set in Germany.

I'm not sure
why that is true either.

Okay, so we got all
these supernatural events,

Teutonic Knights, we got
witchcraft, we got necromancy,

we got monsters,
we got heart ripping,

we got stabbing,
we got decapitation,

we got magical geometry.

Hence that machine
that we just saw.

We got ancient church crimes.

We got all kinds
of occult symbolism.

What is this? What is it?

-Me? You're asking me?

-Yeah, I'm asking the world.

I'm asking everybody.
What is this movie about?

-I'll put up a poll.

-What do you think it's about?

-I think it's about demons
eating people, man.

-Then just say
you're making a movie

about demons eating people.

Don't mess with our brains,
you know?

Eat brains,
don't confuse brains.

-Come on, now.
Quit that crying, you hear?

-It's like a contagious disease
and I got it.

-Come off it.
Those things just don't happen.

-Go away. Leave me alone.
Go on. Who needs you?

-Okay, I'm going.
-No! No, please stay.

Remember that stuff
Miss Bruckner made us read?

It said to not --
Your best friend --

You have to see.

You have to see his face
when he's sleeping because --

-If he's truly
your best friend, his face

will be the same as yours.

-I'm your best friend,

and I feel like I'm going
to fall asleep.

Will -- Will you watch over me?

-Bell ropes.
What a crazy idea.

-Save your breath
for these stairs.

It's a groovy idea,
and you know it.

-Eh, we're too old to climb
these stairs.

-Stop being negative.
It's time to think positively.

We're going to get up there
and ring those bells.

-You're bats in the belfry.

-You go first.

Go on.

-We made it, dearest.

But I -- I don't see
any ropes to pull on.

Would you care to contribute
a little input?

-I hate that kind of talk,
and you know it.

Why can't you be content
to grow old gracefully,

you old cow?

-I think I have another idea.
-Huh?

♪ Go to hell ♪

♪ I'll see you there, as well♪

♪ No angel wings♪

♪ Will tell off those who ring♪

-Simon, I must go back home.
Can you take me, please?

-No way. I'm staying.

-You're a jerk, and I hate you.

♪ I'll tell you straight ♪

♪ If there's one thing
that hate♪

-Go way. Leave me alone.

-What's happening?

Please tell me what's happening,
in God's name.

-What's happening is not
in God's name, but in Satan's.

This cathedral
is infested with evil.

-But this is holy ground!
-Exactly.

And a church is the place
the devil most hates.

-But the doors.
Who closed the doors?

The devil?
-No, the architect

devised a mechanism
for security.

-Security? Who for?

-For the outside world.

The evil within these walls
is worse than any plague.

It's worse than the Black Death.

-How do you know all this?!

-It's all written
in this manuscript.

The whole story.

It's not the first time

something like this
has happened.

-What are we
supposed to do about it?

-Nothing.
-What do you mean nothing?!

-There is no choice.

It's either demonic possession

or death beneath the ruins
of the cathedral.

-What are you talking about?!

-There is a secret place in the
cathedral where a mere touch

will bring the whole building
down in ruins.

The parchment reveals
that the secret was sealed

in the mouth of the architect.

If the cathedral falls, we few
will die to save the majority.

But if I don't do anything,

the plague will spread
beyond the walls of this church,

and this corrupt and sinful city

will get the punishment
it deserves.

The stench of Satan
will permeate the streets,

and the populace
will plead for mercy.

-You have no right to play God!

-I am the Church!

-You're insane!
Give me the scroll.

No, no, stop.

In the name of God!
-It's a secret!

Mine forever!

Aah!
-No!

God!

Have mercy!

What must I do?!
What must I do?!

We're in a well.

There's no way out.

What are we going to do?

Bruno, we're trapped in this
grave, and we can't get out!

-Hold on. Hold on.

-We're trapped!

-Keep still.

Listen. Listen.

-What?

-Do you hear anything?
-No.

-Hold the light.

-Aah! Hold on to me!

-Hang on!
-Don't let me fall!

-I've got you.
-Oh, my God!

-Don't worry! I've got you!

-No! Bruno, please,
don't let me fall!

Save me!
Please, save me!

Hang on to my hand.

-Oh, please. Please help me.
Please!

-Just hang onto my hand.
Don't worry. I won't let you go.

Aah!

-Run, Run!

-Giddy up.
Giddy up, horsey.

-Hi ho, Silver, away!

-Where is everybody?
Where are they?

-I've got to find Evan.
-Evan?

-Don't leave me alone.
Please, don't leave me alone.

I wish there were a mirror.

I can't stand being
without a mirror.

I need to see myself.

That's not me.
That's an old lady.

I'm young and beautiful.

No!

-Yeah, women just hate that --

when you meet a new guy,
you think he likes you,

but then he turns into
a goat-head rapist

and expects you
to just lie there

while people write stuff
on your naked body.

Happens so often
in this modern world of ours.

-Way too often.
-That Lisa laid out on the slab

scene was not filmed inside
either of the two churches

that were made available
by the Budapest diocese.

Even if the church
was deconsecrated,

they said that was too much

for the local bishop
to let them film that.

-Understandable.
-And so that scene was done

at the famous De Paolis Studios
in Rome.

Same thing for that scene
where the monster appears,

the monster constructed
from the copulating corpses

of the massacred peasants.
-That's too much?

That was too much
to do in the church.

-Weird.
-I guess all I can say

about this part of the movie
is it kind of shows us...

It doesshow us
how the possession works.

It shows us the mechanics
of the possession.

First you get scratched,
then you get sick,

then you have hallucinations
of demonic torment,

and then your body gets
transformed into something else.

And if you try to escape,
you die.

And sometimes you die
because of your own suicide,

like the face-ripping scene

when the woman sees herself
in the mirror.

And as you've probably noticed,

all the random onlookers
in the cathedral

keep growing in importance.

They become major characters,

like the two young bikers who
get killed by the subway train

and the arrogant fashion model
and the elderly couple.

Everybody dies.

I'm not sure why everybody dies.

Why does everyone have to die,
Darcy?

-Because it's a "Demons" movie.
-Yeah.

That would --
That would make sense.

Except they refused
to call it "Demons 3."

They wanted us to think of it

as some kind of philosophical
essay on Catholicism.

So...
-Noh, it's "Demons 3."

-It is "Demons 3."

And there's no reason
that people die other

than that demons
have been released.

-Correct.
-And I'm overthinking it

when I try to delve into
Michele Soavi's greater meaning.

-Also correct.
-Alright. Good.

That makes my job easier.

Let's go back to the movie.

Roll it.

But the Italians --
I mean,

the Italians do love
the Catholic Church, right?

They own it.
-Yeah, the Italian filmmakers,

not so much.
-I remember

one of those gialloguys
got in trouble

and they threatened
to excommunicate him.

-Oh, Fulci.

-What movie did Fulci make
that pissed them off?

-"Don't Torture a Duckling."
-Oh, yeah.

Child murders covered up
by evil priests.

Shocking! Shocking!
-What could they object to

about that?

It really was shocking
at the time.

-"At the time"?
-Well, yeah.

-Are you saying
we got used to child murder?

-In film? Yeah.

I don't think the Church
would bother with it today.

I don't think they care at all.
-'Cause the Catholics are so --

they're so much
more liberal today, right?

-No, because they don't take
horror films seriously.

-They don't take them
seriously anymore?

-Yeah.
-MonsignorBalducci

took this one seriously.

-At the time.

-You know --
You know what it is?

Um, it's because
Gabriele Amorth died in 2016.

He was the Vatican
chief exorcist.

Uh, 160,000 exorcisms

by that guy in his lifetime.
-Wow.

-Irreplaceable. He's gone.

What guy do they have now
that would be acquainted

with that many demons?

So this would be a good time
to make "Demons 4" actually,

while they're not looking.

-Except they already made
"Demons 4."

-Well, "Demons 5."

-There's already been
a "Demons 5."

-Alright, I --
I know they were using

the name "Demons"
for lots of films

that didn't deserve
the name "Demons,

but "Demons 6"?
-Ooh.

That is available.
So "Demons 666."

Oh, okay!

'Cause the Vatican is weak
on demonology right now.

We should move fast, make that.

-I am all about this.
Let's do it.

-Alright.
-666!

-I don't understand.

I don't understand.

That's it.

-Shh, shh. It's me.

Father Gus.

Father Gus.

Don't you recognize me?

Where have you been?

I saw you leave
the cathedral today.

How did you get back in?
Huh?

Is there another way
out of here?

-I saw them.

-Lotte, are you listening to me?

-I saw them.

I saw...my parents there.

How did you get back in? Huh?

You must tell me.

-There's a hole,
a crack down below.

Nobody else knows about it.

-Lotte, we have to get
out of here...now.

Do you understand?

They killed everyone.

Even the animals.
No one knew why.

They said that we carried
a contagion.

They could let live
only the architect.

He was a man of learning...

and they were afraid of him.

They tortured him.

-I followed your orders!

I constructed the mechanisms
to destroy the cathedral

even a thousand years from now,

if the pestilence
should reappear.

-You are an alchemist, and
alchemy is a demonic science.

You serve the devil!

-Everything you don't
understand, you call alchemy,

ascribing the plague to
an invasion by the devil,

mistaking illness for evil.

It's all lies!

Lies generated by --
by sick, evil minds.

-The secret of this cathedral
must never be revealed.

It must remain sealed
in your mouth forever.

-No, no, no, no!

-They buried him here

and threatened
to excommunicate anyone

who put another tomb
in the cathedral.

-How do you know
these things, Lotte?

-They killed everybody
with their swords.

I bore witness.

-Come.

The secret was sealed
in the mouth of the architect.

-Let's go.
Come with me.

-What's the matter?

-You must go alone.

-No, please come with me.

-No. I must stay here.

Now, save yourself.

I'll follow you later. Hmm?

Now, go. Go.

-It was intended that
the secret should remain buried

in oblivion
for thousands of years.

The secret is in
the architect's mouth.

-And this supports
Fulcanelli's theory

that the Gothic cathedrals
are all part of a cosmic plan.

It was believed that
the architects used alchemy

and magic
to help them in their work.

Legend has it that
it was just such magic

that caused the church
to collapse,

causing the deaths
of numerous victims.

The steeple was miraculously
spared this disaster,

but its precarious condition

presents a constant danger
to the city,

and plans have been proposed
to construct a new church

in commemoration of all who
perished on that terrible night.

-What's that?

-Just the reflection
in the glass.

And so Gus gives his life
to save the world.

25% tip for you, Gus.

You saved the world.

-I still think that's
a bit much, honestly.

-And Lotte goes to
the ruined cathedral to...

-I don't know.
-...honor her family?

I'm not sure.
-Yes. Yes.

-When she looks down
and smiles,

Asia Argento said
everyone ask her,

"Why did you smile
at the end of the movie?"

She has no idea
why she was smiling.

She says they just told her
to smile.

That ruined cathedral,
by the way,

is the Saint Nicholas Church
in Hamburg,

at one time the tallest
building in the world,

but it was destroyed by
Allied bombing in World War Two.

But the tower was untouched,

and so they decided to leave
the tower up as a war memorial.

Um, they shot the movie
without knowing the ending.

So Michele Soavi
supposedly spent seven months

hanging around Hamburg --

it doesn't even seem possible --
trying to figure out

how to do those last scenes,

how he wanted to finish
the movie.

And Argento got pissed and told
him, "Just shoot something."

So that's what he shot.

They had a total of eight
writers work on this movie,

so there are probably
eight envisioned endings.

Um, "The Church" premiered
on March the 10th, 1989,

at the Adriano Theater in Rome,

and the poster on --
on "The Church" said,

"the flames will make
your mouth bleed

and the moon will
never rise again."

What?!

What does any of that mean?

"The flames will make
your mouth bleed" on the post--

Adding to -- Adding more to
the feeling of "what the fuck?"

that just surrounded
everything about this movie,

the movie was a commercial
success, oddly enough,

even though it initially
received the equivalent

of an NC-17 rating.

That the whole experience
of "The Church"

drove Argento and Soavi
further and further apart,

even though -- They made
one more movie together,

"The Sect," also called
"The Devil's Daughter,"

and, as Darcy pointed out,
sometimes called "Demons 4."

Soavi was resentful
because Argento didn't back him.

in his film debut
on "Stage Fright."

Argento was resentful
'cause Soavi chose to work

as second unit director
on Terry Gilliam's

"The Adventures
of Baron Munchausen,"

a $90 million picture,

instead of joining Argento on a
TV game show called "Giallo"

that was canceled
after just a few episodes.

What? I want to watch that.

-So Soavi said --
Here's what Soavi said:

"Dario as my producer
was a tax I had to pay."

And he was even more resentful

when Argento's name
was bigger than Soavi's name

on the official poster
for this movie.

So, Darcy,
what's your final verdict?

-Well, I agree with you

that it doesn't make
a whole lot of sense,

but I love the visuals,

so I'm always going to watch
this if I have the chance.

It's kind of --
It's the kind of movie

you can just have on in
the background and vibe to it,

and just know
that something awesome

is going to happen
every few minutes.

-That's good --
That's a good description.

-Yay! Thank you.

-"It should be on
in the background."

- Yes.
- Alright, I get that.

-Yes.
-But that's enough

Catholic horror for a while.
-Yes.

-What mailbag do you have?
-Here you go.

-Alright.

-Um, it's a question
for you that is often asked,

but this particular message
comes from Amanda Shelley

in Manhattan, Kansas.

-It looks like
this came from the Patreon.

-It's a Patreon person.
Thank you.

-"Dear Joe Bob,
in an age where AI

is making everything look like
a carbon copy

of Dolly the Sheep,

do you think practical effects
are making a comeback in horror?

I hope so.
Long live the drive-in, Amanda."

Well, Amanda, I don't think

practical effects
ever went away.

Um, Tom Savini, Greg Nicotero,

many other artists
have continued

to do practical effects.

Look at "The Walking Dead"
series.

There's lots of
practical effects in that thing.

But I've never thought
it should be either/or.

There is room for both
in this world.

Many of The Asylum movies,

cheapest movies
being made today,

would not exist were it
not for cheap CGI.

-True.
-Um, and many film images

would be impossible without CGI.

If you want to show
almost anything in outer space,

you need CGI.

If you want to show
any monster over 20 feet tall,

you probably need CGI.

If you need a crowd scene
with more than, say, 200 extras,

you're going to need CGI.

And I know everybody points out,

"Oh, well, what about that scene
in 'Gandhi'?

They had 300,000 extras."

You know, that was the record.

Those were not paid extras.

Those were
Indian nation patriots

who wanted to be
in the movie about Gandhi.

You cannot expect
300,000 people to show up

to be extras in "Demons 7,"
okay?

Anyway, practical effects
are alive and well,

but any effects artist
who doesn't use both,

I think,
is cheating the audience.

And that's it -- that's me.
-Okay.

-That's it for us tonight.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs
with Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you
to never argue with idiots.

They will drag you
down to their level

and beat you with experience,

and the drive-in will never die.

54-year-old woman has
a heart attack

and gets taken to the hospital.

They put her
on the operating table

and she has a near-death
experience.

And during that
near-death experience,

she sees God and she says
to God, "Is my time up?"

And God says, "No, you have
another 34 years to live."

And so the woman relaxes.
She recovers.

She decides to stay a little
bit longer in the hospital

'cause she wants a facelift,
have a little liposuction,

get a tummy tuck.

While she's at it,
change her hair color.

Finally, they release her
to go home,

but as soon as she tries
to cross the street,

she gets struck
and killed by a truck.

And so she arrives
in front of God and she says,

"I thought I had
another 34 years."

God says,
"I didn't recognize you."

Alright.

-Okay. Alright.
Let me try again.

Let me try --
What are you doing?

-You know.
-You're subtracting tips?

-I'm considering my tips,
so think carefully on this one.

-Alright, alright, alright.

Let me try again.
Let me try again.

-Custom.
-I am bombing lately. Alright.

-Lately?
-An artist goes to the gallery

where his paintings are
on display,

and he asks the gallery owner
if he's made any sales.

Gallery owner says, "Well,
I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that
a gentleman was just in here

asking about your work

and wondering if these paintings
might appreciate in value

after your death.

And when I told him yes,

he bought all 15
of the paintings that I had."

And the artist says,
"Well, that's wonderful news.

What's the bad news?"

The gallery owner says,
"The guy was your doctor."

Ohh.

Okay.
-Alright, alright.

-Well, thank you.
Alright.

$0.05.

That was good. You went up.

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

-♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪