Original subtitles

-Okay. Back to Hell Night -- I mean, Spirituality Night

on "The Last Drive-In," and during our second movie,

Darcy, I'm going to spin this screen around.

-Okay.

-And if I say anything especially brilliant,

you can tip me on the screen because I know you love to tip.

-Oh, it is one of my pet peeves.

-Tipping is not required, of course, you know,

you can search down here at the very bottom of the screen

where it says "no tip."

Can you see that? You probably can't see it.

-I'm going to go ahead and say no tip for you.

-There's no icon. -Okay.

It's just the words no tip in four-point sans serif type.

You know, that font is called Casper.

But whatever you do,

I won't be able to see whether you tipped nothing

or you tipped 25%, I'll be none the wiser.

It won't affect how you're treated in the slightest.

Definitely will not cause me to be resentful

or think badly of you because you pressed "no tip."

So...

-And if I press the 25% button,

I can leave and think badly of myself, right?

-Yeah, many people like to do that.

They like to press the 25%, which is right here, by the way.

And then, on the way out,

they'll think, why did I do that?

But, see, it's all up to you.

There's no pressure.

And actually -- And the only reason

I'm swiveling it around

is that you have to sign your name to use

the particular payment card that you normally use, right?

-So if it's just to sign my name,

then why is it show me the tip options

before I can even get to that part.

-Well, the tip option --

Yes, the tip options are at the top, you know, but --

-Well, sometimes you can't get to the signing screen

until you press a tip option.

-You can always press "no tip," right?

-Yeah, but they're watching you.

-That's not -- True. That's not --

And that's not even peer pressure.

That's concentrated employee pressure.

-Oh, man I always go, okay,

okay, here's your million percent, I don't care.

-All right. But you don't say that out loud, right?

-No. I think it in my head and say, "Mm."

-All right. So, is it just me,

or have we reached critical mass with tipping?

I mean, is it just me or are there now thousands of people

who expect tips for basically existing?

Has tipping become a national tax on walking down the street,

you know, walked around the block and, well,

I didn't buy anything, but I had to tip four people.

You know. -Oh, it is not just you.

People want tips for everything, for opening doors.

-Oh, it's worse than opening doors.

People want tips for opening a can of Dr. Pepper, you know.

-So... -Do they?

-Yeah. -When I go to wrestling,

and I want to get a bottle of water at the concession stand,

they literally want a tip.

They show me the screen for handing me the water.

-For handing the water.

-That they made me -- You can't even bring water in.

You have to buy it.

-Tipping used to be confined to certain occupations

like food service, waiters, taxis, bartenders maybe.

You're providing a specialized service

that required interaction with the customer.

Quentin Tarantino now, he used to talk about

how he doesn't tip waiters

because he's not paying somebody to walk over with his food.

But I disagree with him on that,

because our idiotic federal government does allow

restaurants to underpay waitstaff

because tips are assumed.

So if you work in a "tipped employee business,"

they can pay you as little as $2.13 an hour.

Did you know that? As long as your tips bring you

up to 7.25 an hour, they don't go above that,

but 7.25 an hour. They do that actually.

How -- But how do you do that? You know?

Hey, Stu, I only got four bucks in tips last hour.

You owe me a $1.12. Who's going to do that?

Who's going to tell your boss that?

Who's going to annoy the boss by demanding the extra buck

in the first place?

So your hourly wage can become

the already pathetic minimum of 7.25.

So what's happened now is a lot of businesses

have taken that idea

that was created by the federal government

and they've said, hey, you know what?

We don't have to pay that much

because we got the swivel screen.

We got this thing.

The swivel screen is going to pump up what the grunts get.

So when the cheerful counter employee says,

"Tipping is optional,"

what they're really saying is subsidize my cheap-ass employer.

You have no idea how bad it is to work here. Right?

-I feel like we shouldn't be held responsible for that,

though. -Well, I agree with that.

Like, when you work comedy clubs,

which are generally owned by the sleaziest people

in show business,

you are constantly ordered to remind people

to tip those waitresses

so that they don't have to pay the waitresses.

So, yeah, but are you willing to be the jerk

who searches for the no tip option?

Are you willing to do that?

-Very, very rarely.

-Yeah.

-Especially if they're just standing there waiting

to see what you say. It's really hard to say --

-In fact,

I have seen bellboys in hotels fight over your luggage.

-I know. Even when I just say,

"Please, just let me do it myself."

-That's because you look like a person

who can be psyched into tipping. They see it, they read it.

-And it's true. Yes.

-You're an exception, though,

because the standard thinking with service employees

is that males will tip better than females.

-I don't know if I agree with that,

but females do use things like spa services

that are already way overpriced,

and then you're expected to tip based on that really high price.

-Yeah, well, what's an example of that?

-Like certain spa treatments.

Like, the material costs like $800.

And then you're supposed to tip them $800

for just slapping it on you for a second.

Like, sorry, I'm not doing that.

-Oh, okay. -That kind of thing.

-Remember when Uber did not allow tipping.

-Oh, Lord. That was the glory days.

But those are long gone now. -Yeah.

-I don't want to have to make that decision.

I'd rather just add it to the price, and I say cool.

-Exactly. I think most people would prefer that.

But everybody owns one of these now.

See, this is the swivel pay.

They just swivel it around, stand there.

You got to make a quick decision while the person is waiting,

while your barista is waiting.

-Or the person that prepared your takeout food.

-Yeah, you're taking it out. You're going to the store

so they don't have to do anything except give it to you.

-Right.

-But they're putting it in the bag, you know?

-20%? Yes. You get all of it for that.

-And since you didn't bring your own bag,

that'll be $2 for the reusable bags.

What if we decided to limit tipping to food and beverage

service and then all the other times just clip

"no tip" on the swivel?

-I would very much support that movement.

-But in the meantime,

you let them guilt you into tipping, right?

-Of course. Once, you know...

One time I tipped an Uber driver $100, actually.

-You told me that story, and now --

And now you've said it publicly that you tipped $100.

You're now a major target, Darcy.

-But it wasn't guilt, though.

It was like joy.

He had decorated every inch of his car

in Halloween decorations, and it was just so beautiful.

And he was playing Halloween music.

And I was like, "How much did it cost you to do all this?"

And he told me, so I tipped the, like --

-You tipped the amount that it took him to decorate his car?

-Yes.

-Okay, well, that's a sweet story,

because you genuinely wanted to tip.

-Right. If you do something that amazing, you deserve a tip.

-But now everybody who sees you coming

is going to put on a "Halloween 3" shirt and a mask.

-And I will tip you for that.

-Or sport some "Scream" merchandise.

-If you have "Scream" merch on, 20% automatic.

-So that you'll give them money.

You have to stand strong against the tip Nazis, Darcy.

-I will.

-You won't. -I won't. Maybe I will.

Who knows?

-You know, whenever I say -- Here's the thing with me.

Whenever I say, "Okay, that's.

the last GoFundMe that I'm --

-Lord, GoFundMe. -I don't want to go there.

-They tip you on GoFundMe, man.

-I guess there's no such thing as the last GoFundMe.

-No. Ever. -But I tell you what, though.

If you do have a job that pays $2.13 an hour,

I'm tipping you. 2.13 an hour is legal.

I didn't know that until I started looking into this,

but that's the real problem. -Uh, I'll tell you,

the people doing the spa treatments

ain't getting 2.13 an hour.

-Well, all right, when you get a spa.

All right, when you get a spa treatment, do the custom tip.

Press custom tip.

-Oh, I do. What do you recommend?

-Five bucks. All tips should be five bucks.

-That's gonna get me killed.

I ain't doing that. -No, no, no.

We should be like France or other European countries.

You know, you don't tip on the amount.

The idea here is you tip on the amount.

You know, it's like if -- -I do like that.

-Huh? -I like your plan. Let's do it.

-No, I mean, it's like, really?

I mean, if you order one extra dish of the food

they're delivering, is it really 50% more?

-Yeah. -I mean, the amount

for what the work is?

In Europe, you just say, here's a couple euros,

here's a couple quid. You leave singles on the table

and expect the restaurant to pay the person.

So let's do that. -Okay.

-Do you know how much a waiter makes

at an upscale restaurant in New York City?

110,000 a year. -Wow.

-All right, so we should be like Ned Beatty

after he hears dueling banjos in "Deliverance."

You know, "Give him a couple bucks."

-And look what happens to Ned Beatty in "Deliverance."

-Well, you're right about that.

But anyway, we're going to keep tipping, aren't we?

-Do we even have a choice? -No, we don't have a choice.

-Here, just everyone have a tip.

-All right, speaking of filthy lucre,

Isn't that what it's called in the Bible, filthy lucre?

-Sure.

-We're going into one of my favorite horror subgenres now.

We're going into what I call Catholic horror.

We're actually showing "Demons 3."

But they made the silly decision to change the title

to "The Church," "La Chiesa,"

one of the worst titles in the history of exploitation movies.

But it was produced by Dario Argento.

It was directed by his most famous acolyte, Michele Soavi,

who we previously honored with our celebration

of "Cemetery Man."

This was Soavi's second film after "StageFright,"

when his relationship with Argento

was starting to fray a little bit.

But the point I wanted to make

is that Dario Argento did not like to go against

the Catholic Church.

And, so, even though this is "Demons 3,"

it's filmed inside a Catholic church,

and, so, Argento submitted the script

to Monsignor Corrado Balducci,

who was the chief exorcist at the Vatican

and the number one Catholic authority on demons.

Monsignor Balducci did not get a fake script either.

He sent him the script for the movie we're about to watch,

and Monsignor Balducci approved it.

Now, he didn't approve it as a true story,

but he approved it as not being heretical.

Monsignor Balducci said demons do exist.

The devil is active.

So there's nothing wrong with making a movie about it.

This was in 1989.

Now, I'm not sure what the Church would say today,

but anyway, it did no good for the production.

They went to church after church after church in Italy.

Since 90% of the movie takes place inside a church,

they needed a big cathedral.

There was no priest in Italy who would say,

"Use my church for a Dario Argento movie."

In fact, there was no priest anywhere in Western Europe

that would allow filming inside his church.

But the churches in Eastern Europe

were still under communism,

and many of them were crumbling into ruins,

and they needed funds for restoration.

And, so, eventually, the Bishop of Budapest said,

"Come to Hungary, my son, we will rent you our church."

And, so, every morning a priest would deconsecrate

the Saint Elizabeth of the House of Arpad church in Budapest,

so that scenes from the church could be filmed in there.

And then, every evening the priest would come back

to reconsecrate the church

so that the worshipers could use it.

So the result is a beautiful

but slightly confused epic at the end of

the Golden Age of Italian Horror

that starts with an amazing sequence set in the Middle Ages.

It has a bunch of amazing set pieces.

And it should have been called "Demons 3"

because it's ultimately about people trapped

in a demon-infested hellhole,

just like the theater in "Demons Uno"

and the apartment building in "Demons Two-oh."

And it is the sensitive story of a church built

over the mass grave of hundreds of people,

brutally executed by the Teutonic Knights 850 years ago,

and hidden by the Vatican

so that their demon-infested bodies could never come back.

Unfortunately, we live in the age of historic preservation.

And, so, a nosy art historian

and a young librarian fall in lust

while learning the secrets of the cathedral

where they're working.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with the severed head of a priest

being used to ring the bell in the church tower?

I think not.

So let's look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-in Academy Award nominations for Tomas Arana

as Evan, the librarian, for immediately abandoning his job

to go treasure hunting

and for saying, "I've got to find a stone with seven eyes."

Barbara Cupisti as Lisa, the art historian,

for flinging herself through a window without opening it first,

aardvarking with a demon, and saying,

"Shades of Indiana Jones."

Roberto Corbiletto as Hermann, the Sacristan,

for saying, "I want to kill, to kill."

Feodor Chaliapin Jr as the Bishop

for grumpily deciding everybody might as well die,

and for declaring, "I am the church."

Hugh Quarshie as Father Gus, for trying to be the hero

and for telling the Bishop, "You can't play God like this."

Asia Argento as Lotte, for being a club kid and for saying,

"I'm the Sacristan's daughter, unfortunately."

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

And thank you for dressing up like a nun.

Darcy, you are killing that nun outfit.

You are rocking that look.

-I had so much help with this. I'll explain later.

-Not since Lindsay Lohan portrayed

a gun-toting nun in "Machete"... -Yeah.

-...has anyone seen such a badass nun.

-Oh. Thank you.

-I've always wanted to explore the genre of nunsploitation.

-Mm. We should. -And that was a bunch of films

made in the '70s, many of them set in Italy,

where the convent goes wild with mass hysteria

and demonic possession and,

of course, lesbionic perversions of all sorts.

What's the most famous nunsploitation flick?

-Most famous, I don't know,

but I do know I was supposed to be in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns."

-You were supposed to be in "Nude Nuns with Big Guns"?

-Yeah. -Oh, a classic.

-I was -- I was in talks. Didn't work out 'cause whatever.

-Oh, no. That's terrible. Were you up for Sister Sarah?

You would have been great in that.

-Sounds great, but just the title is like, "I'm in."

-When I think about nuns with guns,

I think of that classic picture of Zoe Tamerlis in "Ms .45."

You know, in that last scene,

remember she goes to a party in a nun costume

and just opens fire?

Pure Abel Ferrara magic. Every nun should have a gun.

I agree.

-Here! Over here!

This way. Hurry!

This way.

This way. Follow me.

-Mira, there is somebody coming.

-She's the one.

-Who are you? Where are the others?

-Beware, sire. She's a witch.

Don't let her speak to you. Don't let her touch you.

She's one of them in league with Satan.

She's one of many who serve their master.

They have brought the contagion.

They bear the cross on the soles of their feet.

They tread on all that is holy.

Was it not written in the prophecy?

Were we not warned that they would come

and spread like locusts?

-You won't hurt me, will you?

-Ah.

Ah, ah.

-Behold the stigmata! The sign of the demon!

-Kill them. All of them. Not one must be allowed to live.

-Argh!

-Ugh! -Aah!

-Pull!

-Down there. She's coming back to life.

Hurry, before they all return from the dead

and wreak vengeance upon us.

Cover them. Cover them at once.

They must be hidden from the sight of man forever.

Bury them, bury them!

-Bury them! Bury them!

Filthy demons from hell!

-Don't let them come back to life.

-Evil demons from Satan.

-Faster. Shovel faster.

-What must we do now? The men are frightened.

-Shovel, shovel.

-Bless the site.

And build a church on it.

A holy shrine to imprison the demon in this pit forever.

-Shh!

-Cover those vile creatures completely.

Curse them!

-In the name of the Father and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost.

Holy Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed

is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

-I'm sorry. Please excuse me.

I'm -- I'm really very sorry.

-That's okay.

That's what I get for oversleeping.

It's just that it's my first day of work, and I'm already late.

What a divine fresco.

-Mm-hmm. -Which way is the library?

-Hey.

-Thanks.

Hey, how about a cup of coffee later?

-Okay.

-Hello. -Hello.

Who are you? You're not a priest.

-I'm the new librarian.

I have to catalog all these books.

Unfortunately. My name is Evan.

-I am Lotte. I'm the sacristan's daughter.

Unfortunately.

-Psst!

Hey.

Come here.

Close your eyes.

Did you hear the horse?

-What? What horse?

Good morning.

-It's your first day, and you're already late.

Not a good start.

-I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It won't happen again.

-You were told to be here at 8:00 sharp,

and I don't think there is any reason, Lotte,

why you should be here in the library.

-I won't be late again, Your Grace.

-The Gospel according to St. Luke,

Chapter 8, verses 27 to 30.

"And when he went forth and walked over the land,

he met a man outside the walls of the city.

And this man had been possessed by demons for many years.

The man was in rags and he had no house to dwell in.

His dwelling place was in the tombs.

And Jesus asked him, 'What is thy name?'

And the man answered, 'Legion,'

because many devils had lived in his body for a long time.

He was born an outcast, and all men

fled the deserted places where Legion dwelled.

They fled temptation, just as we all must flee it.

We must meet Satan's power with the power of our Lord,

who sustains us in our struggle against evil.

We must be vigilant that we do not fall victim

to Satan's legions

and be banished from the dwelling of the righteous"...

-What is it? -Better have a look.

-I'll be right there. -..."and exiled to the regions

of death and darkness, As was the man who" --

-..."who implored Jesus to drive the demons from his body."

-Stop! Stop!

-Go ahead. -It's crumbling away.

-That's what I told you. -We have to stop.

Don't drill anymore.

-Judging by the sound of the drill, I'd say there's --

there's a cave under there. A big one.

-Yes. I've got to make a report.

There's no longer any question of restoration here.

We must stop work immediately.

-There you are.

Weren't we supposed to have a cup of coffee together?

-We have a problem. Look at these cracks.

-That's not your job.

Why don't you call the Historic Monuments Commission?

-You're right. Okay.

Leave things as they are. I'll examine the cracks later.

-Whatever you say, ma'am. -Let's get out of here.

I'm seeing visions after cataloging all those books.

-Visions of burning sinners and devils

with pitchforks, I suppose.

-Why not angels laying down some great harp and virgins

dancing in ecstasy?

-Evan. Look what I found.

-A parchment.

It must be hundreds of years old.

Where did you find it?

-Down below where the workmen have been.

-I'd like to try to decipher it.

-The bishop should see it.

-No, wait. I want to look at it first.

You don't find these things every day.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

-Evan.

-Yes. I'll be glad to give you a lift home.

-Thanks. I appreciate it.

-Bye.

-Afternoon, Your Grace.

-What was that girl doing in here?

-Uh, nothing. Just wanted a ride home.

-Well, you know what?

I'm going to tip the production designer

on that opening sequence

where the Teutonic Knights brutally massacre

an entire village to stamp out demon possession.

And, um, I was going to actually.

Oh, gosh. See this --

See, this is another danger of these things

because, actually, recently I was going to do the custom tip,

and I hit -- and I hit it.

And then, I was going to do $2, and I just did the two

and I hit send, and I tipped two cents.

And I just -- I don't know what you do in that case.

You say, "Would you put it back up?" or what...

So I just kind of slinked out of it.

-And you'll never go there again.

-Anyway, I --

I guess we're supposed to think they really are witches,

since Mira did have the stigmata on the bottom of her foot.

But I'm going to question the logic of trying

to stamp out demons by building a church on top

of murdered people.

Don't they try to keep unholy people out

of Catholic burial grounds,

even if they're just side by side with the church,

much less underneath the foundations of the church?

Like, if you commit suicide,

you can't be buried in consecrated ground.

Right, Darcy?

-Oh, sorry. You're asking me? -You're Catholic.

I'm asking you.

-Oh, yes. Right. Yes. Suicide is a mortal sin. Yes.

-Yeah, it's definitely -- -My child.

-So, if that gets your body kicked out,

why would you put hundreds of people

who have already been kicked out for consorting

with demons underneath the church?

-I think the idea is that the holiness will seal

them underground.

-Okay, well, Monsignor Balducci did approve the script,

so the Vatican agrees, I guess.

So, apparently, Michele Soavi, the director,

and Dario Argento, the producer,

were into the writings of this guy Fulcanelli.

He only had one name,

and we don't know if that was his real name or not.

But Fulcanelli was an alchemist who lived in the 1920s,

and after he disappeared without a trace in 1937,

people who knew him published these two esoteric books.

And I'm sorry, Darcy, I'm going to spend a minute on this,

because apparently Argento and Soavi -- I'll tip you.

I'll tip you so that I can talk.

-I was going to detract your tip.

Okay. Either one works. -All right.

Um, apparently,

both the producer and the director went bonkers

and started believing in alchemy.

And they believed that there were hidden symbols embedded

in all the cathedrals of Europe

supposedly put there by divine entities.

So he was basically saying -- Fulcanelli was basically saying,

why would everybody start building these cathedrals

around the year 1000?

And why did they pop up all over Europe?

And his answer was,

some supernatural force larger than us was telling us

how the universe works,

but only telling it to the smart people,

the people who knew how to decode it from stuff

that was in the cathedrals. And in fact, it's impo--

Speaking of decoding,

it's impossible to decode Fulcanelli's books

because they're full of puns in Latin and Greek

and weird rants on unrelated subjects...

...and symbolic language

that can be interpreted in many ways.

Anyway, there are two recorded instances

where Fulcanelli supposedly turned lead into gold,

once in 1922, again in 1937,

and the second time he also turned silver into uranium.

And supposedly these feats were witnessed

by physicists and geologists. So, all right.

So, two of the finest film directors in Rome

got conned by this guy

and they tried to put this into the movie "The Church."

-What if he really did it?

-Then you can ram a Teutonic spear through my gizzards,

Darcy -- this is some kind of literary hoax.

But Soavi fell for it. Tried to put it in the movie.

That's why, as the movie progresses,

it doesn't make a lick of sense. -It makes sense.

It just doesn't make sense, sense.

-Well, you're gonna -- I mean,

you're gonna you're gonna say the old Eli Roth thing.

It makes dream vision sense. -There you go.

It's dream sense. -Uh, I don't know.

My definition of sense is that it's rational,

but whatever.

The mutant family will be the judges of

whether the movie makes sense.

So put up a poll. Yes or no.

"The Church" does/ does not make sense?

Put that poll up on social media.

We'll see who wins.

So the way this movie got started

is they were getting ready to do "Demons 3"

with the usual writer, Franco Ferrini, great writer.

He also wrote "Once Upon a Time in America," many other movies.

But then Lamberto Bava, who directed the first two movies,

got upset by how much time it was taking.

So he quit the project to go work on lucrative TV shows.

And this pissed off Argento,

who later gave interviews stating that Bava was fired

because he had become a television hack

and the distributor wouldn't have him.

Untrue.

According to everybody except Argento.

Anyway, they brought in the other great giallo writer,

Ernesto Gastaldi, and Argento asked Soavi to direct.

Now, Argento and Soavi

had been close friends ever since Soavi was 19 years old

and he went to Argento and treated him like a god.

And then, he worked his way up through the system.

He was a grip. He was a script boy.

He was a stagehand. He was a production secretary.

He was an assistant director. He was a continuity supervisor.

He was an assistant editor.

He worked on little low-budget movies

for Joe D'Amato that had eight-person crews.

And it was actually Joe D'Amato, it was not Dario Argento who

gave Soavi his first directing job on the movie "StageFright."

And, so, Soavi was already a little upset

that Argento wouldn't back "StageFright,"

but he saw replacing Bava as an opportunity, so he took it.

And then, people -- Here's something you should understand.

People look at Soavi's résumé, and they wonder,

how did he have time for all this?

How did he get so many jobs and just constantly be doing

one tiny job after another after another?

Well, the answer is that he frequently worked for free

because he was independently wealthy.

He came from the Olivetti family of Italy.

They manufactured --

First, they invented -- or they didn't invent them,

but they manufactured famous typewriters

and then calculators and computers

that were used all over the world.

So, anyway, most people who worked on the movie

say that Argento left Soavi alone to direct it the way

he wanted to direct it.

Soavi says the opposite.

He says Argento was breathing down his neck the whole time.

The one thing the two guys did agree on

was using all this Fulcanelli bull stuff.

All right, back to the movie.

-Don't forget to tip. -It's an Italian movie.

You always got to talk about this.

You know, I have -- I have only been

in a Catholic church five or six times.

-Really? -And I'll tell you --

Funerals, weddings, you know, what have you

when you have to go there.

And the reason is most Catholic churches give me the creeps.

And I was a Latin student.

I mean, I should think it's cool

because the priest talks Latin, right?

I mean, did you like the church when you were a kid?

-I mean, what kid likes going to church?

I like CCD, though. -You liked what?

-CCD. -What is that?

-Um... It's like when they teach you

about First Communion and Confirmation and the Sacraments.

It's like Sunday school, but like on a Monday.

-I don't even know about any of that stuff.

Did they teach you about Teutonic Knights

slaughtering witches? Did they teach that?

Yeah, I feel like they did.

So what did you like about it?

-I mean, that part was cool.

It was like a fun version of Sunday School.

And I didn't know better. I didn't know it was church.

-Well, okay, I kind of get that because I had a Sunday school

teacher who was an FBI agent,

and he would bring his gun and put it on the table.

-Shut up. Really? Wow.

-That's the only Sunday school class I remember.

-Yeah, but ours was on Mondays,

so it was like Monday school.

-So an extra day of church stuff, and you still liked it?

-Yeah. Go figure. -Had to go on Monday.

-They tricked us. -All right.

Something tells me that you're Team Demon

when the chaos starts at this church.

-What gives you that idea?

-Well, I'm going to find your old CCD teacher

and tell him that.

-He won't be surprised one bit.

I promise you that.

So, can you understand when they speak Latin, then?

-Can I understand the Latin? No.

-Yeah. Well, how long did you take it?

Six years.

-And you can't understand it.

-I cannot understand the Latin liturgy, no, not a word.

-You should have gone to CCD, sir.

-I know, right?

I've been working all day on that parchment.

It appears to have been written in some strange sort of code.

I can't decipher it.

-Where are we going? Did you want to do something?

-It's a form of scripture,

but not in a language that I can distinguish.

-You shouldn't have brought it with you.

-Nobody knows except you and me.

Anyway, I did recognize one thing.

The symbol of the Teutonic Knights.

-Who are they? A religious order?

-Yes, a military religious order that defended the pilgrims

traveling to the Holy Land at the time of the Crusades.

They later took over half of Europe.

Their cruelty became legendary.

For instance, when they laid siege to a village,

they would surround it with hanging corpses

to terrorize the townspeople.

They appealed a lot to the Nazis.

Hitler drew his inspiration from them when he founded the SS.

The Iron Cross, his favorite decoration,

was modeled on the Black Cross of the Teutonic Knights.

-Lord bless this food and those who sit at thy table.

Amen.

-Amen. -Amen.

-Reverend, I found a quote that you can use for your sermon.

-Mm. "The world is the devil's."

The world is the devil's.

In other words,

the world identifies itself with the devil.

Isn't that a bit strong, Your Grace?

-Why? No God, no devil. And the devil is everywhere.

Even when you put the flowers on the altar,

the devil is at your shoulder. Isn't that so, Reverend?

-Sorry I'm late.

-I would appreciate it, Father Gus,

if you could be punctual for all meals.

-Sorry, Your Grace.

-Father Gus, I wonder whether you can suggest

a Latin quotation for my sermon.

-To be honest, I'm rather diffident at Latin,

Reverend.

-Your prunes.

-♪ I got this ♪

♪ That, too ♪

♪ I got those ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ Well, you can get what you want ♪

♪ Get what you need ♪

-Here we are.

What do you think?

-Hmm. Nice.

You live here alone? -Mm-hmm.

I'm going to have a shower.

Amuse yourself while I'm gone. -Right.

-Have you ever heard of a French writer named Fulcanelli?

According to him, the tables of law

were buried under one of these Gothic cathedrals.

The tables that were once kept in the Ark.

-Shades of Indiana Jones.

-I'm not joking. The proof is that, exactly at that time,

the first huge Gothic cathedrals sprang up all over Europe.

Don't you see? There's no other explanation

of where they got the knowledge to build them.

-Isn't that fascinating?

-Just think what might be buried under these cathedrals.

Things stolen from the Holy Land, treasure.

Or maybe the key to some unknown science we've lost all trace of.

Something that could turn the finder into a superman,

a god.

I've got to find out what's in that parchment.

-But that's sacrilegious.

-I don't care.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking at old books.

-Look at my hands. I can't get them clean.

Mm.

-Es locus in quo absconditor.

"There is a place in which there is hidden."

Super lapida.

Septem oculis sum.

"A stone with seven eyes."

I've got to find a stone with seven eyes.

You know, this is the only cathedral in which no king

has ever been buried, nor even a bishop.

Why?

There's only one tomb. The builder's.

Maybe they didn't want anyone to dig.

-What if I told the bishop?

-Come on, sweetheart. You're on my side.

Huh?

Aah! -Where have you been?

Your bed hasn't been slept in. You've been out.

-No, Daddy. I went down to pray.

-Dressed like that?

You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

You've been drinking and smoking.

Little liar. You were out all right.

How did you get out? I locked all the doors.

How did you get out?

-Hermann, come to bed.

-Where are you going?

Why don't you stay and keep me company?

-Why don't you come with me and forget the whole thing?

-Are you crazy?

Ah.

Here, take this. But you have to promise to read it.

-Okay. I have to go.

-Be careful now, okay?

I'll leave the porch light on for you.

-All right. Okay.

-Shh.

-"That which was entrusted to you, keep safe."

Don't see the stone with seven eyes.

Gosh.

Aaaaah!

Lotte.

Lotte, come out.

I know you're here.

-Lotte.

Come out.

I heard you.

Lotte.

Aah!

-Wow. A lot going on in the subbasement.

And nice move on that jib, Chris.

You get an 18% tip for that.

And, uh, John and Tim,

you were really good on camera two on the last one.

So you get that. Ian, you need some work.

So, uh, you know, we'll check on you.

We'll do the custom on you. 2 bucks for you.

-2 cents. -Okay. All right.

Nobody in this movie seems too competent at their job.

I wouldn't tip anybody in this movie.

Lisa is the worst ever art history student.

She'd rather read a Mickey Mouse comic book

than talk about the ancient parchment that they just found.

That's Barbara Cupisti, the girlfriend of Michele Soavi,

who would retire from film in 2002

and pursue a career as a presenter

on the Rai television network

and make human rights documentaries.

But at the time, she was appearing in a whole bunch

of horror films,

including some of the best ones

like "Cemetery Man" and "New York Ripper"

for Lucio Fulci.

Apparently she's bored with restoring frescoes

and just wants to get laid

while Evan the librarian is the opposite.

He can't think of sex.

There are ancient secrets to be discovered,

secrets that could turn him into a superman or a god.

And he sucks as an archivist, too,

because first he lights a cigarette

while he's reading the ancient parchment that's falling apart.

And then he puts a lighter on top of it

so he can see the parchment better.

That actor is Tomas Arana, who had a very interesting career.

He's known today for playing major bad guy character parts

in big-budget action pictures like "Hunt for Red October"

and "The Bodyguard" and "L.A. Confidential,"

"The Bourne Supremacy." -He changed so much.

-"Gladiator." He what? -He's changed so much.

He's so scary now. -He looks very different now.

-So different. -"The Dark Knight Rises."

You would have to look him up to know what he looks like now.

Very versatile actor.

Grew up in San Francisco,

had some success off Broadway in New York.

Was part of the original troupe at La MaMa,

the leading experimental avant-garde theater

on the Lower East Side.

He became good friends with Andy Warhol.

He hung out at Studio 54.

He went to the "Spo-leh-to" Festival.

That's in your hometown. -The "Spo-lay-to"?

-The Spo--

-Oh, I didn't know what you said for a minute.

-"Spo-lay-to"? -We say Spoleto, man.

-Oh, I thought it was "Spo-leh-to."

-Spoleto. Summerville, what's up?

-In Charleston, yeah. -Yeah. Summerville.

-That's where he probably developed his obsession for --

That's a partnership between America and Italy.

And so that's probably

where he developed his obsession for Italian films.

So in 1978, he moved to Naples

and his very first film in his whole career

was directed by the super celebrity director in Italy

at the time, Lina Wertmueller, "Blood Feud,"

which was -- which also starred Marcello Mastroianni,

Sophia Loren, and Giancarlo Giannini.

So, you know, that was his first film.

He was with all of those great actors,

founded his own avant-garde performance art theater

in Milan.

He produced shows that involved dance and fencing

and Japanese swordsmanship,

and he developed friendships with fellow artistes

Russell Crowe and Willem Dafoe.

And then his very first lead role was in "The Church."

-Wow. -This is his first lead role.

So here you see him at the beginning of his film career,

although he was 35 years old by the time he did this movie.

And then, of course,

this is the first major role for 13-year-old Asia Argento,

the daughter of Dario Argento and Daria Nicolodi, the actress.

And Asia made her first movie at age 9, "Demons."

But she had a very complicated relationship with her father.

She said, "Sometimes I think he gave me life

so he could have a lead actress."

I interviewed her -- -Could be true.

-Well, I interviewed her about 25 years ago.

And when I asked her how her father had influenced her,

she said, "I like the color red."

Wow.

-Which I thought was pretty funny.

She said "He stopped being a father when I was 9.

Then he just became the director."

You know, so I don't know if she later changed her mind,

but at the time, she really didn't want to be

in any more Argento projects.

Anyway, she's a little young for this part.

Lotte is supposed to be around 16,

but she nails it, don't you think?

I think she nails it. -Yeah, no, she's amazing.

-And now that her father has been knocked cold

by -- her father in the movie

has been knocked cold by a transformed Evan,

let's see how she deals with it. So back to the movie.

-You get a tip for clarifying.

-Roll it. Yeah, I get a tip for that?

-For clarifying it was the movie father.

-What does the --

She's the daughter of the sacristan.

What does the sacristan do?

Lotte's father is the sacristan.

Let's -- Let's test how closely

you were paying attention in CCD.

-He's like the AD.

-Oh, like the assistant director?

-Yeah.

He does things like he cleans the priest robes

and makes sure the holy water is there.

He does the candle stuff. He's like a janitor and a valet.

Right? -Interesting.

Does he park cars? -No.

More like the technical director.

Are you -- I'm trying to explain for you.

You're going to mock me?

-No, no.

-He puts the bread and the wine up front,

and he cleans up a lot.

-Okay. Well, I think he's dead.

-Or a demon. -In this movie.

-Thanks again for clarifying.

-Not good to be a demon

if you're in charge of the holy water, right?

-Yeah. They could switch it to Evian.

-Yeah, I guess they could.

In Italy. -What?

-The Gothic cathedrals were part of a cosmic design.

But the meaning of this design is beyond our knowledge.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?

Who is it?

Aah!

Oh! Oh!

- Hello? - Hello? Police?

Police! -Yes, ma'am?

- What's the problem? Hello? - Please come quickly.

- Where are you, ma'am? - What's the problem?

-Please help me! Help!

Somebody is trying to kill me.

Come quickly! Help!

Oh!

Ah!

What's going on here, lady? -It's in there.

-It was trying to kill me. It's still inside.

-Give me a hand with her. -It tried to kill me.

-I'll get her. -It was a monster.

-Call an ambulance quick. It's all over now.

It's all over. Calm down. We'll take care of everything.

You're just lucky we traced your call.

-We need an ambulance at... -She's in a state of shock.

-It wasn't a man. It was a monster.

-Uh-huh. I believe you. -It was a monster!

-We'll wait in the car.

-Hold it just like that. Smile. -No. Lift the veil. Lift it.

-Right. -Do something...

-We don't have all day.

We have to be finished in an hour.

Call the princess. Hurry.

-Come on. She wants you. Come on, come on, come on.

-How do I look? -Great.

-Okay, then.

-Smile.

-Evan.

-Hi. Just arriving?

How come so late?

-Oh, Evan. You haven't any idea.

Something terrible happened to me.

Somebody tried to kill me last night at home.

-Tried to kill you?

-It was a monster.

-It must have been wearing a mask.

-I don't think so.

It was worse than that.

Much worse.

What about you? I called you.

What happened to you?

-There isn't much to tell.

I hadn't been there very long when the sacristan appeared.

The idiot jumped on me like a maniac.

Like it was dark so he didn't recognize me.

Sweetheart.

Don't I get a kiss?

-No, Evan, not here. Not now.

Stop it.

No!

No! You must be crazy!

Crazy.

-What's wrong with Lisa, Evan?

-Who knows?

Nerves, maybe.

-Hmm.

-As they say...

you can never tell with women.

-Miss Bruckner, I read somewhere that the builders

of the Gothic cathedrals constructed them in such a way

that it was possible to make them collapse

by pressing a secret spot.

-If there's a spot like that,

you can bet he'll put his finger on it by mistake.

-Well, Otto, so much has been written about these cathedrals.

-You and your stupid bike.

What if the mechanic can't fix it by tonight?

We'll miss the concert.

-So which is it most?

You afraid you'll miss the concert or Frank?

-Don't start that again.

-And now, boys and girls, let's go and see the tomb

of the architect of this cathedral.

Stay close together.

-I'm here with you now, right?

I'm going to the concert with you, okay?

Are you going to be like this the whole time?

You're really becoming a royal pain.

-But you called him from the mechanic's.

I heard you. You can't deny it.

I can't hear a thing. This contraption doesn't work.

-Huh?

You're as deaf as a post.

-I'm not deaf as a post. It's this damn contraption.

-Lotte.

Lotte!

-Yes?

-Would you mind opening the window, please?

-Sure.

-Lotte.

-What's wrong? Don't be afraid.

I won't bite you.

You didn't go to school today.

How come? -I didn't feel well.

-Did you have a tummy ache, little girl?

-No, I had a headache.

-You're lying.

That's not very nice.

Why don't we open up your tummy?

And see what's the matter.

Okay?

Huh? This where it hurts, huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Dad, help me, please.

He's crazy. I think he wanted to kill me.

Dad, listen to me, please.

-Who did? -Evan. The new librarian.

-Evan?

Evan is a good man.

-But, Dad, I tell you, he wanted to kill me.

He's a monster.

-What do you mean?

Don't say that.

You're lying.

-Aah! No!

Daddy, let me go. Don't hurt me. Let me go.

No! Stop! Let me go.

Daddy, no. Please don't hurt me, please!

-Don't keep me waiting for those onions, Hermann.

-Daddy! Daddy! What are you going to do to me?

-Wash out your mouth with soap. -Stop! Stop!

-I'll teach you to say nasty things about people.

-Stop! Stop!

-Lotte.

Lotte!

Oh.

-Watch where you're going. -Where did she --

-Little idiot.

She didn't get dirty, did she?

-Did anybody get permission to do the shoot inside?

We could get in trouble. -If they say anything,

I'll flash them a big, big smile.

-You know, Darcy, I am giving you a 25% tip.

And you know why? It's because when we were trying

to choose which movie goes first tonight,

whether it was "This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse"

or "The Church," most people would say "The Church"

because it's, you know, more famous.

You were the one who said, "Let's go big with Coffin Joe."

And you were absolutely right.

-We'll see. I'm going to put up a poll.

-Okay.

And that's why we're kind of, like, discombobulated right now.

So this is the part of the movie

where you either fall in love with this movie,

or you despise the movie because it doesn't make a lick of sense.

It's like they suddenly remembered they were making

"Demons 3," so they have to get everybody infected

and trapped inside the cathedral.

And to do that, they just have a bunch of set pieces,

like the goat-head Satan that appears at Lisa's house.

Why would there be demons

and satanic presences outside the church, Darcy?

-I don't know,

but that is an awesome goat-head Satan.

-It is an awesome Satan.

-So good.

-That's one of the medieval icons

that Soavi stuck into the story during the six weeks

he took to write the script or rewrite the script.

Remember, he didn't want to make "Demons 3,"

but he was rewriting a script that was "Demons 3."

So I'm going to -- In fact, I want to quote what he said

this part of the movie is about.

He says, "I took what was conceived as --

as schlock pizza cinema and turned it --

turned it into a strong essay on karma

and the ambiguous inner conflicts we all

face at some time in our lives."

What? What? He's -- Karma? Where's the karma part?

-I see it now.

-Where's the inner conflict part?

What's the inner conflict? What do Evan and --

-It's so obvious, Joe Bob. -What do Evan and Lisa

do that results in their becoming demons?

You know? But it gets weirder.

Dario Argento is still producing the movie,

so he describes what he thinks it is in an interview.

He says "'The Church' is a beautiful, visionary film.

My brief to Michele was for him to explore

the feelings I had..."

He -- He wants the movie to be about feelings

he had "about life in contemporary Germany

being the beginning of a new Middle Ages.

Michele made the Hitler references

and evil allusions work." -Mm, yeah.

-"Anyone expecting another 'Demons'

is in for a big surprise."

Well, I do agree on that part.

But you know,

life in contemporary Germany being the beginning

of a new Middle Ages?

Did you even know we were in Germany at this point?

What? I don't understand either of these thematic goals,

and the thematic goals seem to be at odds.

Do you, Darcy? -Yes, yes.

Now that they mention it, I see -- I see that influence.

But the special effects are really cool.

That's what matters. -True.

You have Evan ripping his own heart out of his chest,

and after that, he becomes --

he becomes sort of a rapist, right?

-I'm not sure whether he wants to rape her or cut her open.

-Well, I think to him, it's the same thing.

Anyway, we get a lot of sexual assault,

and then we get all these random characters

that are introduced into the cathedral

as members of the wedding party

and that -- actually, that created friction

between Argento and Soavi because Argento insisted

that the bride be played by Antonella Vitale

because she was his girlfriend at the time

and Soavi didn't want -- didn't -- didn't want her.

And he tried to use somebody else and they clashed over it.

But Soavi didn't have much leverage in that argument

because he'd already cast his girlfriend as the female lead.

He was dating Barbara Cupisti.

So when you research these Italian movies,

you start to realize that all these filmmakers and actors

and directors and screenwriters in Rome in the '70s and '80s,

they all knew one another.

It was not that large of a group.

But anyway, at this point,

Soavi is creating this world

where there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets infected

or why they get infected.

Doesn't really have anything to do with karma, though.

You get scratched by a demon, you're a demon.

So it's really like people are being punished

for curiosity, I guess.

I mean, the art historian and the librarian

lead an army into hell. Is that what's happening?

Darcy, I'm really kind of confused.

-Probably.

Let's say yes. Yes, definitely. -All right.

Back to the movie.

Why is it that when you go to Italy

or most countries in Europe, they always try to get you

to go to the big church, you know?

When they don't go to the big church,

the people that live there.

Yeah, I get it. Beautiful stained glass, history.

What's that guy on PBS?

He's always telling you which one to go to.

Great vaulted ceilings, the nave, the transept,

the altars, the crypts of the kings, whatever.

But they treat their churches like museums.

They don't really go to church over there.

Am I wrong about that?

-Um, I think people go to the church

for specific things they need.

They just -- They don't go on a regular schedule

like Americans do. -Right.

I mean, you get the impression

that Sunday school over there is not a big deal, right?

-Do you remember when I went to Notre Dame or Notre-Dame,

however you say it. -Notre Dame, yeah.

-Okay. Before they had the big fire?

-I do remember that because you got lost in Paris.

And so you were -- you were -- you were calling me

to tell you where to go in Paris.

So I helped you find Notre-Dame.

-I might have been a little imbibed.

-Okay. -Lost in Paris.

Who else do you call but Joe Bob Briggs?

-It was so hard. -He was leading me

street by street, to safety, to Notre-Dame.

-I opened Google Maps,

and I helped you find the biggest church

in the middle of the city on its own island.

That was so difficult to find.

-You saved my life that night, sir.

-You must have been really nervous

because I also helped you find the McDonald's.

-Oh, my God. -I can't imagine you going --

-That was the best part of Paris.

The McDonald's in Paris was so good.

Yes. But I had a veggie burger, just so you know.

-That's a famous McDonald's.

Because the French hate McDonald's.

And so that was a big deal.

-Do they really? It's so good. Go to Paris McDonald's.

Check it out.

-They hate everything American.

-And yet they have a French Disneyland

or Disney World, I guess.

-Yeah, they do. But why -- why did you want

to go to Notre-Dame in the first place?

-Quasimodo.

-Oh, okay.

Right. Of course. -Thanks for your help.

-Excuse me, Father.

We wanted to ask your permission to take a few photos.

It's so nice in here.

-You married today? -Yes. Or we're going to be.

-Look, you'll have to excuse me.

All right, but make it quick and go easy on the flash.

-Let's get a move on. Come on.

Hurry.

-May the Lord enlighten you and help you make

a good confession.

-Father, help me.

I no longer believe.

I have lost my faith.

Please, I need your help. I have always shunned evil.

That is why I shut myself and my family away from the world.

-I know who you are. It's Hermann, isn't it?

-No. I am no longer the sacristan.

I'm not Hermann any longer. Last night,

the angel of evil possessed me and I became his servant.

I want to do evil, to kill.

To kill and destroy!

-Ow! -What the hell?

-Look out! -For God's sake!

-What's wrong with that asshole? He ruined the shot.

-As he went by, he scratched me. -It's nothing at all.

-Come, boys and girls, it's time to continue on.

Stay close together.

-Heinrich. -Huh?

-Children, don't go wandering off.

-Did you see that awful man?

-And take that out of your mouth.

-It had to be my best side. -It's nothing, Bruno.

-Anyone got a mirror? -You poor baby.

You want a kiss to make it better?

-I'm telling you that it hurts.

Aah!

-No!

No!

-I don't think you're right for the groom.

-I want him to look like a clown.

-Hey, hey. Children, get away! Get away!

Look up. Look up. A little more to the right.

Now smile. One more like that.

Turn your head to the right.

A little higher.

Radiant smile.

Oh.

No! Oh!

It's caught.

-Your Grace, something terrible has happened.

The sacristan is dead.

-Shh.

It was intended that the secret should remain buried

in oblivion for thousands of years.

If it has come before your eyes, oh, unfortunate ones,

the terrible truth is then vivid.

Evil in this land

has taken the form of monstrous creatures that we call demons.

-What else does it say?

-Shh. -Claudette! Taron!

This is crazy. I can't stand it much longer.

-Who's responsibility? -Ohh.

-Darling, hold on a minute. We don't want to ruin the dress.

It cost a fortune, and we have to return it.

-But I can't -- I can't breathe.

-I said wait.

Why don't you open that damn door? Well?

-But, madam, I told you already, there's nothing I can do.

And that's the only door.

-What shall I do with the children?

-Miss Bruckner, it says in the book,

it says the original mono portal structure

has remained unaltered since the Middle Ages.

So this is the only way in or out.

-You hear that? Congratulations.

I guess that takes care of the concert.

Now you'll have me all to yourself.

Shit.

-Reverend.

There's no time to lose.

-What's happened? -I-I don't know.

But we have to get these people out of here.

Now, you call the police. I'll try to get the doors.

-Wait. Shouldn't we tell the bishop?

-He already knows. Now just call the police.

-Since when do you give orders?

-Listen, you!

-Shouldn't we be calling someone?

The fire brigade?

-The sacristan is dead.

His guts are all over the floor down there.

Now call the damn police.

-What a curious event. And what's he looking at?

-Reverend. Reverend, wait.

Have you found another exit?

-I've already told you, there isn't any.

-It's not possible. I'm responsible

for all these children. Their parents will be worried.

You've got to find another exit.

Help me.

-Whee! Whee!

-Impossible.

There has to be more than one door in the church.

-Ah! -Come on. Have a biscuit.

They're groovy.

-Father, who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name. Thy...

Thy -- Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

...on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Aah!

-Why don't you all stop talking

and do something to get me out of here?

-Patient, Vilma. Another second, dear.

-Excuse me. Do you have anything like a knife?

-Will this do? -Oh, that'll do it.

-Come, Heinrich. I have a fab idea.

-There, there. Come on.

-What?

What in God's name is going on?

-Water.

-I'll go and look for some.

-Hey, Miss Bruckner,

do you realize that the time is a quarter past midnight?

Your watch is two hours behind. -Oh!

My glasses. Otto, help me find my glasses.

Otto, where are you? I can't see.

-Where the fuck have you been?

I've been looking for you everywhere.

What are you staring at me like that for, you idiot?

-Joanna, we have to get out of here.

-So what are we waiting for?

-This way, Miss Bruckner. They found your glasses.

-Thank you, Otto. You're such a good boy.

-Oh.

-Aah!

-Yah!

-Okay, so I think -- don't quote me on this,

but I think the bishop is the only person

who knows what's going on.

He's been entrusted by the Vatican

to keep the secrets of the church.

And the bishop is played by the great actor

Feodor Chaliapin Jr. Love that guy.

The reason he has that junior on his name is his father,

Feodor Chaliapin Sr., was a world-famous opera singer.

So he grew up in this famous Russian family.

His mother was a prima ballerina

who retired to raise six children with the opera singer.

He was born in 1905.

But then when he was 12 years old,

he fled Russia with his father

in the middle of the Russian Revolution.

And they lived in Paris.

But then, as a grownup, he moved to Hollywood,

and he got a lot of roles in silent films.

But here's the best part -- he didn't become famous

until he was 81 years old.

In 1986, he played the blind, murderous monk

in "The Name of the Rose"

opposite Sean Connery and F. Murray Abraham.

And that led to a key role in "Moonstruck."

And then he was Robert De Niro's father in "Stanley & Iris."

And Sean Connery had the best description of him.

He said, "He's deaf and he's blind,

and he'll steal every scene from you."

By the time he made "The Church,"

Chaliapin had lost his short-term memory,

so he could not remember his lines.

So the lines were all prompted from off screen.

Fortunately, in Italy they don't --

they usually don't record sound on the set,

so the lines were prompted from off screen.

But what everyone said was amazing

is that he would say the lines one at a time,

and they would just be beautiful on the very first take.

And then one day he took a break from the set,

and he came out of the restroom

a few minutes later with his male member hanging out,

and everybody was too embarrassed

to point it out to him.

And so it stayed out for about 15 minutes.

And then he noticed it,

and he laughed and he stuffed it back inside his pants.

So that was Feodor Chaliapin Jr., a legend in acting circles.

-Let's cheers to him. -Yeah. Cheer to him.

Give him a 25%. -Yes. 20%.

-Yeah. Oh, he's dead. -Custom.

-He's dead. We can't tip dead people.

That's gross.

All right. Anyway, you got to admit,

he's still stealing every scene in this movie.

And while we're talking about great actors,

that's Hugh Quarshie as Father Gus.

Ghanaian actor. Ghanaian? Somebody from Ghana.

He's from Ghana.

A Ghanaian actor who would become well known in England

because he spent 20 years on a popular TV show

called "Holby City." But at the time,

he was known as the first Black actor

ever to play Hamlet in the West End

as part of the Royal Shakespeare Company.

He was also in "Nightbreed," "Highlander."

In case you haven't noticed,

he's becoming the protagonist of the story.

We started out with Evan.

We briefly moved over to the Bishop.

We thought it might be Lisa.

And now, at the one hour mark,

it's slowly dawning on us

that Father Gus is the main actor in the movie.

Or I think it's more accurate to say

that there is no protagonist.

Or if there is one,

the protagonist is the invisible devil.

But remember, according to Soavi,

the movie is about karma and life choices.

How can there be life choices when you just get scratched

and that turns you into a demon?

Or if you believe Argento's description,

it's about contemporary Germany ushering in a new Middle Ages.

No idea about that one. Absolutely none.

Back to the movie. Roll it.

See, at this point,

the movie has just been turned over

to the special effects department.

Am I being too hard on this film?

-It can be a little confusing.

-Okay, so we got Teutonic Knights.

-Okay.

-Teutonic Knights still exist today.

It's a German thing, obviously.

Why they chose Teutonic Knights instead of any other knights,

I don't know.

All the "Demons" films are set in Germany.

I'm not sure why that is true either.

Okay, so we got all these supernatural events,

Teutonic Knights, we got witchcraft, we got necromancy,

we got monsters, we got heart ripping,

we got stabbing, we got decapitation,

we got magical geometry.

Hence that machine that we just saw.

We got ancient church crimes.

We got all kinds of occult symbolism.

What is this? What is it?

-Me? You're asking me?

-Yeah, I'm asking the world.

I'm asking everybody. What is this movie about?

-I'll put up a poll.

-What do you think it's about?

-I think it's about demons eating people, man.

-Then just say you're making a movie

about demons eating people.

Don't mess with our brains, you know?

Eat brains, don't confuse brains.

-Come on, now. Quit that crying, you hear?

-It's like a contagious disease and I got it.

-Come off it. Those things just don't happen.

-Go away. Leave me alone. Go on. Who needs you?

-Okay, I'm going. -No! No, please stay.

Remember that stuff Miss Bruckner made us read?

It said to not -- Your best friend --

You have to see.

You have to see his face when he's sleeping because --

-If he's truly your best friend, his face

will be the same as yours.

-I'm your best friend,

and I feel like I'm going to fall asleep.

Will -- Will you watch over me?

-Bell ropes. What a crazy idea.

-Save your breath for these stairs.

It's a groovy idea, and you know it.

-Eh, we're too old to climb these stairs.

-Stop being negative. It's time to think positively.

We're going to get up there and ring those bells.

-You're bats in the belfry.

-You go first.

Go on.

-We made it, dearest.

But I -- I don't see any ropes to pull on.

Would you care to contribute a little input?

-I hate that kind of talk, and you know it.

Why can't you be content to grow old gracefully,

you old cow?

-I think I have another idea. -Huh?

♪ Go to hell ♪

♪ I'll see you there, as well♪

♪ No angel wings♪

♪ Will tell off those who ring♪

-Simon, I must go back home. Can you take me, please?

-No way. I'm staying.

-You're a jerk, and I hate you.

♪ I'll tell you straight ♪

♪ If there's one thing that hate♪

-Go way. Leave me alone.

-What's happening?

Please tell me what's happening, in God's name.

-What's happening is not in God's name, but in Satan's.

This cathedral is infested with evil.

-But this is holy ground! -Exactly.

And a church is the place the devil most hates.

-But the doors. Who closed the doors?

The devil? -No, the architect

devised a mechanism for security.

-Security? Who for?

-For the outside world.

The evil within these walls is worse than any plague.

It's worse than the Black Death.

-How do you know all this?!

-It's all written in this manuscript.

The whole story.

It's not the first time

something like this has happened.

-What are we supposed to do about it?

-Nothing. -What do you mean nothing?!

-There is no choice.

It's either demonic possession

or death beneath the ruins of the cathedral.

-What are you talking about?!

-There is a secret place in the cathedral where a mere touch

will bring the whole building down in ruins.

The parchment reveals that the secret was sealed

in the mouth of the architect.

If the cathedral falls, we few will die to save the majority.

But if I don't do anything,

the plague will spread beyond the walls of this church,

and this corrupt and sinful city

will get the punishment it deserves.

The stench of Satan will permeate the streets,

and the populace will plead for mercy.

-You have no right to play God!

-I am the Church!

-You're insane! Give me the scroll.

No, no, stop.

In the name of God! -It's a secret!

Mine forever!

Aah! -No!

God!

Have mercy!

What must I do?! What must I do?!

We're in a well.

There's no way out.

What are we going to do?

Bruno, we're trapped in this grave, and we can't get out!

-Hold on. Hold on.

-We're trapped!

-Keep still.

Listen. Listen.

-What?

-Do you hear anything? -No.

-Hold the light.

-Aah! Hold on to me!

-Hang on! -Don't let me fall!

-I've got you. -Oh, my God!

-Don't worry! I've got you!

-No! Bruno, please, don't let me fall!

Save me! Please, save me!

Hang on to my hand.

-Oh, please. Please help me. Please!

-Just hang onto my hand. Don't worry. I won't let you go.

Aah!

-Run, Run!

-Giddy up. Giddy up, horsey.

-Hi ho, Silver, away!

-Where is everybody? Where are they?

-I've got to find Evan. -Evan?

-Don't leave me alone. Please, don't leave me alone.

I wish there were a mirror.

I can't stand being without a mirror.

I need to see myself.

That's not me. That's an old lady.

I'm young and beautiful.

No!

-Yeah, women just hate that --

when you meet a new guy, you think he likes you,

but then he turns into a goat-head rapist

and expects you to just lie there

while people write stuff on your naked body.

Happens so often in this modern world of ours.

-Way too often. -That Lisa laid out on the slab

scene was not filmed inside either of the two churches

that were made available by the Budapest diocese.

Even if the church was deconsecrated,

they said that was too much

for the local bishop to let them film that.

-Understandable. -And so that scene was done

at the famous De Paolis Studios in Rome.

Same thing for that scene where the monster appears,

the monster constructed from the copulating corpses

of the massacred peasants. -That's too much?

That was too much to do in the church.

-Weird. -I guess all I can say

about this part of the movie is it kind of shows us...

It doesshow us how the possession works.

It shows us the mechanics of the possession.

First you get scratched, then you get sick,

then you have hallucinations of demonic torment,

and then your body gets transformed into something else.

And if you try to escape, you die.

And sometimes you die because of your own suicide,

like the face-ripping scene

when the woman sees herself in the mirror.

And as you've probably noticed,

all the random onlookers in the cathedral

keep growing in importance.

They become major characters,

like the two young bikers who get killed by the subway train

and the arrogant fashion model and the elderly couple.

Everybody dies.

I'm not sure why everybody dies.

Why does everyone have to die, Darcy?

-Because it's a "Demons" movie. -Yeah.

That would -- That would make sense.

Except they refused to call it "Demons 3."

They wanted us to think of it

as some kind of philosophical essay on Catholicism.

So... -Noh, it's "Demons 3."

-It is "Demons 3."

And there's no reason that people die other

than that demons have been released.

-Correct. -And I'm overthinking it

when I try to delve into Michele Soavi's greater meaning.

-Also correct. -Alright. Good.

That makes my job easier.

Let's go back to the movie.

Roll it.

But the Italians -- I mean,

the Italians do love the Catholic Church, right?

They own it. -Yeah, the Italian filmmakers,

not so much. -I remember

one of those gialloguys got in trouble

and they threatened to excommunicate him.

-Oh, Fulci.

-What movie did Fulci make that pissed them off?

-"Don't Torture a Duckling." -Oh, yeah.

Child murders covered up by evil priests.

Shocking! Shocking! -What could they object to

about that?

It really was shocking at the time.

-"At the time"? -Well, yeah.

-Are you saying we got used to child murder?

-In film? Yeah.

I don't think the Church would bother with it today.

I don't think they care at all. -'Cause the Catholics are so --

they're so much more liberal today, right?

-No, because they don't take horror films seriously.

-They don't take them seriously anymore?

-Yeah. -MonsignorBalducci

took this one seriously.

-At the time.

-You know -- You know what it is?

Um, it's because Gabriele Amorth died in 2016.

He was the Vatican chief exorcist.

Uh, 160,000 exorcisms

by that guy in his lifetime. -Wow.

-Irreplaceable. He's gone.

What guy do they have now that would be acquainted

with that many demons?

So this would be a good time to make "Demons 4" actually,

while they're not looking.

-Except they already made "Demons 4."

-Well, "Demons 5."

-There's already been a "Demons 5."

-Alright, I -- I know they were using

the name "Demons" for lots of films

that didn't deserve the name "Demons,

but "Demons 6"? -Ooh.

That is available. So "Demons 666."

Oh, okay!

'Cause the Vatican is weak on demonology right now.

We should move fast, make that.

-I am all about this. Let's do it.

-Alright. -666!

-I don't understand.

I don't understand.

That's it.

-Shh, shh. It's me.

Father Gus.

Father Gus.

Don't you recognize me?

Where have you been?

I saw you leave the cathedral today.

How did you get back in? Huh?

Is there another way out of here?

-I saw them.

-Lotte, are you listening to me?

-I saw them.

I saw...my parents there.

How did you get back in? Huh?

You must tell me.

-There's a hole, a crack down below.

Nobody else knows about it.

-Lotte, we have to get out of here...now.

Do you understand?

They killed everyone.

Even the animals. No one knew why.

They said that we carried a contagion.

They could let live only the architect.

He was a man of learning...

and they were afraid of him.

They tortured him.

-I followed your orders!

I constructed the mechanisms to destroy the cathedral

even a thousand years from now,

if the pestilence should reappear.

-You are an alchemist, and alchemy is a demonic science.

You serve the devil!

-Everything you don't understand, you call alchemy,

ascribing the plague to an invasion by the devil,

mistaking illness for evil.

It's all lies!

Lies generated by -- by sick, evil minds.

-The secret of this cathedral must never be revealed.

It must remain sealed in your mouth forever.

-No, no, no, no!

-They buried him here

and threatened to excommunicate anyone

who put another tomb in the cathedral.

-How do you know these things, Lotte?

-They killed everybody with their swords.

I bore witness.

-Come.

The secret was sealed in the mouth of the architect.

-Let's go. Come with me.

-What's the matter?

-You must go alone.

-No, please come with me.

-No. I must stay here.

Now, save yourself.

I'll follow you later. Hmm?

Now, go. Go.

-It was intended that the secret should remain buried

in oblivion for thousands of years.

The secret is in the architect's mouth.

-And this supports Fulcanelli's theory

that the Gothic cathedrals are all part of a cosmic plan.

It was believed that the architects used alchemy

and magic to help them in their work.

Legend has it that it was just such magic

that caused the church to collapse,

causing the deaths of numerous victims.

The steeple was miraculously spared this disaster,

but its precarious condition

presents a constant danger to the city,

and plans have been proposed to construct a new church

in commemoration of all who perished on that terrible night.

-What's that?

-Just the reflection in the glass.

And so Gus gives his life to save the world.

25% tip for you, Gus.

You saved the world.

-I still think that's a bit much, honestly.

-And Lotte goes to the ruined cathedral to...

-I don't know. -...honor her family?

I'm not sure. -Yes. Yes.

-When she looks down and smiles,

Asia Argento said everyone ask her,

"Why did you smile at the end of the movie?"

She has no idea why she was smiling.

She says they just told her to smile.

That ruined cathedral, by the way,

is the Saint Nicholas Church in Hamburg,

at one time the tallest building in the world,

but it was destroyed by Allied bombing in World War Two.

But the tower was untouched,

and so they decided to leave the tower up as a war memorial.

Um, they shot the movie without knowing the ending.

So Michele Soavi supposedly spent seven months

hanging around Hamburg --

it doesn't even seem possible -- trying to figure out

how to do those last scenes,

how he wanted to finish the movie.

And Argento got pissed and told him, "Just shoot something."

So that's what he shot.

They had a total of eight writers work on this movie,

so there are probably eight envisioned endings.

Um, "The Church" premiered on March the 10th, 1989,

at the Adriano Theater in Rome,

and the poster on -- on "The Church" said,

"the flames will make your mouth bleed

and the moon will never rise again."

What?!

What does any of that mean?

"The flames will make your mouth bleed" on the post--

Adding to -- Adding more to the feeling of "what the fuck?"

that just surrounded everything about this movie,

the movie was a commercial success, oddly enough,

even though it initially received the equivalent

of an NC-17 rating.

That the whole experience of "The Church"

drove Argento and Soavi further and further apart,

even though -- They made one more movie together,

"The Sect," also called "The Devil's Daughter,"

and, as Darcy pointed out, sometimes called "Demons 4."

Soavi was resentful because Argento didn't back him.

in his film debut on "Stage Fright."

Argento was resentful 'cause Soavi chose to work

as second unit director on Terry Gilliam's

"The Adventures of Baron Munchausen,"

a $90 million picture,

instead of joining Argento on a TV game show called "Giallo"

that was canceled after just a few episodes.

What? I want to watch that.

-So Soavi said -- Here's what Soavi said:

"Dario as my producer was a tax I had to pay."

And he was even more resentful

when Argento's name was bigger than Soavi's name

on the official poster for this movie.

So, Darcy, what's your final verdict?

-Well, I agree with you

that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense,

but I love the visuals,

so I'm always going to watch this if I have the chance.

It's kind of -- It's the kind of movie

you can just have on in the background and vibe to it,

and just know that something awesome

is going to happen every few minutes.

-That's good -- That's a good description.

-Yay! Thank you.

-"It should be on in the background."

- Yes. - Alright, I get that.

-Yes. -But that's enough

Catholic horror for a while. -Yes.

-What mailbag do you have? -Here you go.

-Alright.

-Um, it's a question for you that is often asked,

but this particular message comes from Amanda Shelley

in Manhattan, Kansas.

-It looks like this came from the Patreon.

-It's a Patreon person. Thank you.

-"Dear Joe Bob, in an age where AI

is making everything look like a carbon copy

of Dolly the Sheep,

do you think practical effects are making a comeback in horror?

I hope so. Long live the drive-in, Amanda."

Well, Amanda, I don't think

practical effects ever went away.

Um, Tom Savini, Greg Nicotero,

many other artists have continued

to do practical effects.

Look at "The Walking Dead" series.

There's lots of practical effects in that thing.

But I've never thought it should be either/or.

There is room for both in this world.

Many of The Asylum movies,

cheapest movies being made today,

would not exist were it not for cheap CGI.

-True. -Um, and many film images

would be impossible without CGI.

If you want to show almost anything in outer space,

you need CGI.

If you want to show any monster over 20 feet tall,

you probably need CGI.

If you need a crowd scene with more than, say, 200 extras,

you're going to need CGI.

And I know everybody points out,

"Oh, well, what about that scene in 'Gandhi'?

They had 300,000 extras."

You know, that was the record.

Those were not paid extras.

Those were Indian nation patriots

who wanted to be in the movie about Gandhi.

You cannot expect 300,000 people to show up

to be extras in "Demons 7," okay?

Anyway, practical effects are alive and well,

but any effects artist who doesn't use both,

I think, is cheating the audience.

And that's it -- that's me. -Okay.

-That's it for us tonight.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs with Darcy the Mail Girl,

reminding you to never argue with idiots.

They will drag you down to their level

and beat you with experience,

and the drive-in will never die.

54-year-old woman has a heart attack

and gets taken to the hospital.

They put her on the operating table

and she has a near-death experience.

And during that near-death experience,

she sees God and she says to God, "Is my time up?"

And God says, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

And so the woman relaxes. She recovers.

She decides to stay a little bit longer in the hospital

'cause she wants a facelift, have a little liposuction,

get a tummy tuck.

While she's at it, change her hair color.

Finally, they release her to go home,

but as soon as she tries to cross the street,

she gets struck and killed by a truck.

And so she arrives in front of God and she says,

"I thought I had another 34 years."

God says, "I didn't recognize you."

Alright.

-Okay. Alright. Let me try again.

Let me try -- What are you doing?

-You know. -You're subtracting tips?

-I'm considering my tips, so think carefully on this one.

-Alright, alright, alright.

Let me try again. Let me try again.

-Custom. -I am bombing lately. Alright.

-Lately? -An artist goes to the gallery

where his paintings are on display,

and he asks the gallery owner if he's made any sales.

Gallery owner says, "Well, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that a gentleman was just in here

asking about your work

and wondering if these paintings might appreciate in value

after your death.

And when I told him yes,

he bought all 15 of the paintings that I had."

And the artist says, "Well, that's wonderful news.

What's the bad news?"

The gallery owner says, "The guy was your doctor."

Ohh.

Okay. -Alright, alright.

-Well, thank you. Alright.

$0.05.

That was good. You went up.

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

-♪ We are sick -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪