Original subtitles

Morning, Brian.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Shoot.

Now, don't make a big deal of this, but there's this girl at school and... Oh,

my baby boy has his first crush and he's coming to tell me about it. I think I'm

going to cry.

Okay, first of all, thank you for not overreacting.

I'm sorry, honey. Go ahead.

Well, I really like this girl and I was wondering if I could do something

special for her today.

Brian, you should do something special for her every day because women love it

when you make the effort. We're very sensitive.

It's just that today's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day? Oh, son of a crap.

Now I've got to waste my whole lunch hour finding something for your father.

Okay, what am I going to get? What am I going to get?

Oh, morning, honey. Happy Valentine's Day.

And a happy Valentine's Day to you, too, my little Valentine.

I'm going to call your Aunt Linda. You and your sisters go over there after

school. I'll figure out the rest later.

What if Aunt Linda has plans on Valentine's Day?

All right, don't make fun of your Aunt Linda.

So, Mom, what should I do about Bonnie?

You know, the girl that I like at school? Oh, her name is Bonnie, isn't

Sweet Brian and Bonnie. Mom.

Oh, maybe those little candy hearts that have the funny sayings on them?

What if she thinks I'm a dork?

Yeah, what if, Brian, what if?

Oh, dork, leave your brother alone.

Yeah, shut up. Or I'll just give her the card you were going to give to Derek

Montgomery.

She loves Derek Montgomery.

That's a fake card that I knew you'd steal.

Oh, darn, you got me. If only I'd stolen the real card.

You know, the one where he's too good to be forgotten?

That's a lot of math for you, Lauren.

Give it back!

No! All right, you two stop it right now. Brian, give me both those cards.

Now, which one of these should I give to your father?

You can read me.

Now when the lights go down And when it comes to you and me, girl

Ooh, you turn me inside out I'm still in love with you today

Cause you make me happy

Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

Happy Valentine's Day. You look amazing.

Ooh, fancy underwear, candles, no kids.

Looks like I'm getting some.

Okay, let's get cracking.

Hold on, how about a little romance, a little sweet talk?

I'm sorry.

Let's get cracking, baby.

It'd be rude to open your present before you read your card.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Every day you take my breath away.

I'm sorry. I thought it would make you laugh.

It was the last one. I had to fight some guy to get it. Well, guess what, Bill?

He won. He's having sex right now.

Why are you wearing boots?

It's a look.

You forgot to shave your leg. I did not. These boots are sexy.

Maybe at a strip joint in Fairbanks.

Fine. I forgot Valentine's Day. I got home three seconds before you did, and I

wiped my... stinky pits with a kitchen sponge and you got me a fart card and

call me crazy, Bill, but I think the romance is dead.

Baby, we've been together 20 years.

Of course the romance is dead.

I'm going to go get dressed.

Come on, honey, what's wrong?

Bill, don't you miss the time before we had kids when we would play little games

and write each other dirty notes? It's like we don't even try anymore.

I don't see what the problem is. The problem is we have sex all the time.

Yeah, and to tell you the truth, after 20 years, sometimes it seems a little

routine.

Oh, you're bored, are you?

Daddy's not shaking it enough for you.

Well, yeah.

You know, it's not like you've been trying much either. I mean, your

come on is, come on, let's do it, I gotta take a shower anyway.

You know what, you are right, and we both need to take responsibility here.

both need to make an effort to... Spice things up.

Effort. Now, there's a word that turns me on.

I think I can make you like that word.

Effort.

Effort.

Now, say responsibility on my neck.

I know. Let's pick a day, and you do something special for me, and I'll do

something special for you. Like what? And please don't say rose petals on the

bed, because I sweat, and they'll stick, and it won't be pretty.

Piece of cake. I'll do it tonight. Prepare to be surprised.

Oh, Bill, you can't just get naked, jump out of the closet, and yell surprise.

Then I'm going to need more time.

Hey. Hey.

I brought brownies.

So what are we watching?

He's going to rescue the princess. Then they live happily ever after.

Yeah, sweet.

Aunt Linda thought she was dating a handsome prince, too.

Right up until the time she realized he didn't even have a job. And that's why

she'd been paying for every meal for the past six months and one time rent on

his couch.

Mom, can I watch this in the air room where it's quiet?

Sure, sweetie.

So let me guess, these are breakup brownies.

Well, they started off as anniversary brownies.

Then they were, who's that whore who answered the phone, brownie?

Then they were, sorry, I called your mother a whore, brownie.

Here we are.

I'm torn.

I hear your sister, but I smell brownies.

There he is.

You walk into this house with baked goods, it's like throwing chum in the

Don't forget about our surprise tomorrow.

I got it all planned. So do I.

Oh, what's that about? Oh, Valentine's Day tank, so we both promised to do

something romantic for each other.

What do you got planned?

Oh, it's a surprise.

You got nothing. I got nothing.

I got caught up in the moment, now I'm screwed. He's probably in there telling

Carl about his big plan.

I got nothing.

What do you think she's looking for?

Something sexy to spice things up. Apparently she's bored.

Sounds to me like she wants you to bring home a lady friend.

You just saw me yesterday.

By the end of the week, you'll be huge.

Dad, can I ask you something?

Sure.

There's this girl I like, Bonnie, and Mom told me to buy her flowers and candy

for Valentine's Day, but I chickened out. Smart move. That's too risky.

She turns you down, and you're standing in the middle of the hall with flowers

and candy.

You might as well walk over to the toilet, put your head in, and wait for

football team.

So what do I do?

Be casual.

stare at her, crack your knuckles.

If that goes okay, try flipping a note into her locker.

You know, when I liked a girl, I used to get her to trade lunches with me. Then

I'd pretend that her lunch gave me food poisoning. Then she'd go out with me.

Oh, sure, I knew it was out of pity.

Let me tell you something about a pity date.

Still a date?

No, trust me, if I cover myself in chocolate, it's gonna be more about the

chocolate.

Okay, what about this?

A friend of mine did this thing that was so crazy and so nasty, and she felt

pretty cheap about it afterwards, but it was still worth it.

It was you, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

And just when she thought I couldn't throw up anymore, she said, good God,

that's enough. I'll go out with you.

I think I'll try putting a note in her locker.

Good choice. That's how I first got your mom's attention.

What did you say in the note?

I asked her if she wanted to go out by the dumpsters and get high.

School over more quickly by... by studying harder.

After we'd finished studying, we went over to Arby's and laughed and laughed.

I can't do that. That's crazy.

Yeah, you're right. Too daring for a married woman who's a mother of three.

screw you. I'm doing it.

I'm... Plottier than you are.

Excuse

me.

got something under your coat there, ma 'am? Me? No, I'm just here to have lunch

with my husband, Bill Miller. He works down in Bathwares.

Never heard of him.

Bill? In Bathwares?

He's about this tall, cute, great smile.

Kind of wears his beard, if you know what I mean.

Why don't you just open your coat, and I did my job, and I can take my little

paycheck and go home.

I will.

I'm not wearing anything underneath this for lunch with my husband.

All right.

It's just that some people come in here with nothing on under their coat because

they want to steal a lot of stuff.

Really? Yeah.

It's a crazy world.

Look, either you open your coat or you're going to have to come along with

You'll forgive me, but hearing the words Bill Miller to security has never been

good news in the past.

What are you doing here?

They thought I was shoplifting. What?

Why are you wearing a trench coat and high heels?

Because I was making an effort.

How's that, making an effort?

Oh.

That's a two -way mirror into the security office.

I'm sorry.

But, you know, those guys have the entire Girls Gone Wild video collection.

So a cheer from them means a lot.

Come on, they cheer like that for any naked woman.

Yeah, you're right.

You know, I'm sorry. This is my fault. What do you mean?

Well, you only did this because you got the sexy note I wrote you.

What note?

About your hot body and meeting me for a hot time.

What else did it say?

A little privacy, do you mind?

Sorry.

Oh, I didn't get any note.

How could you not get the note? I put it in your lunch.

Well, I didn't pack a lunch today. Who took a lunch today?

Hey, Brian.

Hey, Bonnie.

Listen, there's something I wanted to give you.

My lunch.

I was wondering if you wanted to trade lunches.

Okay. But mine's egg salad.

That's fine. I love egg salad.

Anything with mayonnaise.

Because mayonnaise doesn't close up my throat.

At all.

How embarrassing was the note, Bill?

It wasn't embarrassing. It was romantic.

I talked about how I loved your... We should probably get it back.

The period starts in 15 minutes.

We'll just be in time. Let's go. I need something to wear.

Huh? Uh, let's see what we got here in the lost and found.

Ah -ha!

It's not worth that.

Okay, what can you do with an umbrella and three pairs of sunglasses?

All right, give me the glasses.

Brian! Oh, no, I was praying it wasn't you. What are you talking about?

Some kids say they saw a hooker and her parole officer walking around, and I

said, please don't let it be my parents.

Did you think it would be us?

It is you.

Brian, we need your lunch. There's been a little mix -up. No big deal.

I'd trade it with Bonnie.

Why would you do that? Why would you trade your lunch?

I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Well, it is.

It is a big deal. Why?

Because there's something in there that shouldn't be.

What?

Cholesterol.

Dialent.

Trying to kill your new girlfriend?

Are you, son?

Are you?

Are you?

All right, Brian, where can we find Bonnie? She just left my office. Seems

found a note in her lunch.

Three chairs. No waiting. Let's go.

You don't have to do what she says.

Excuse me?

Brian, no more lit. She's the principal, for God's sake.

I didn't think you'd written a note, Brian.

An honors English student wouldn't have used the word hot twice in one sentence

and misspelled bodacious.

I was in a hurry.

You're free to go.

So, I'm not going to get suspended?

No. Not even for a few days?

Just until everyone forgets they were here?

Why, I've known your parents since they were students.

They'll be back.

Have a great day, sweetheart.

Miss Foden, we're all adults here.

Joe, what the hell? I'll make that leap.

Bill made a mistake. He thought it was my lunch. We were just trying to have a

little fun.

You remember fun?

chasing after the Model T, taking the trolley down to the picture show,

dinosaur eggs for Easter.

If you want to use history to insult me, you might try passing it first.

You should both be ashamed of yourselves, writing these kinds of

Well, we've been together for a long time, and we're just trying to spice

up. And you thought this grammatically incorrect juvenile nonsense would spice

things up?

Miss Bowden, I'm sorry this ended up in Brian's lunch, but I'm a little too old

to be sitting here getting a grammar lesson. What I was trying to do was show

wife how much I love her. Oh, Bill, this is so sweet and so nasty.

I know.

Oh, see, Bill, that's all I need, just a little something every now and then.

I'll give you a little something every now and then.

Are you two ever going to grow up or are you going to go through life like a

couple of horny teenagers?

Bill, did you hear that? She called us horny teenagers.

Yes, I did, and this time she's gone too far. No, Bill, it's a good thing.

Or maybe not far enough.

We're horny teenagers.

We're not boring. We still got it. You're right, Judy.

We still do got it.

Still do got it?

Please, get out of my office before I take back your diploma.

Hey, Brian.

Listen, Barney, I'm so sorry. No, no, no. I'm the one who's sorry.

My stupid friend sort of passed around the note and Miss Bowden got it.

And now I'll never get it back.

You want it back?

Well, yeah.

It was great.

I mean, most boys our age write such lame notes.

Do you like me? Check yes or no.

Oh, yeah.

Who would write that?

Not me. That's who.

Oh, I bet that's her. We should go apologize.

I like you, Brian.

You're different.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, my baby boy just got his first kiss. I've got to go give him a hug. Judy,

Judy, Judy, trust me. He doesn't want to associate his first kiss with a hug

from his hooker mother.

See you at band practice.

Judy, did you see those moves? I think our little boy is going to be quite the

ladies' man.

Hey, Judy.

I felt bad about everything that happened, and I just wanted to make it

you.

too.