Original subtitles

And now

I'm afraid it's looking much less pleasant

towards the end of the week.

Mist around south Warwickshire

and the north of Oxfordshire last night,

but that's lifting, very cloudy today.

- I asked Pauline to marry me by the Pick 'n Mix

in Woolworths on the 21st of April.

And she responded on the 26th of June.

And we weren't still in Woolworths we'd been

asked to move by then.

We were outside the chip shop on Hipswell Highway.

I had a mate at the time called Phillip.

Well, I had two mates called Phillip.

We called one Little Phil and this one was Camp Phil.

Lives in London now.

And in the two months I was waiting for Pauline's answer

he'd say, "What do ya wanna get married for?

"You're 20."

I said, "If I get married I know I'll never be lonely."

- Ro, this is delicious.

- It is love.

- Did ya cook it yourself?

- I did.

- Did you hell as like.

- Rowan making dinner goes like this.

She rings up the caterers, cries like a baby

and then just before the guests arrive food mysteriously

appears in her oven.

- Caterers are society's angels.

How do you think Jesus fed the 5,000?

- He didn't ring up caterers.

- Well, he wouldn't have done but I bet one of his disciples

had a mobile phone.

Which one.

- Judas was always a bit dodgy.

I bet he cut corners whenever he could.

- You know in all the years,

how many years we been together?

- Seven.

- In all that time Rowan used to say how much fun

Pauline could be but I never saw it when she was with Ken.

- Well, what Ken did was Allerednic wasn't it?

- Push that by me again.

- Allerednic, Cinderella in reverse.

He married a princess and turned her into a scullery maid.

Hello everyone.

Hi.

Hi, How'd it go?

- Oh, it was fantastic Gran, it was brilliant.

- Where've you been?

- Peter, she's been at Bristol University all day

wowing them with her interview charm

and her predicted grades.

- Did it go well?

- It was fantastic Tommy, and it was such a great place.

- Bristol was built on slavery, I told her that.

- Oh, you must be proud.

- And they were so nice.

The lecturers--

- Well get a seat and tell us.

Tell us all, everyone you spoke to,

everyone you had affairs with.

Later Gran.

- Okay.

- I just wanna get in first, you know.

- Okay.

Give my regards to Facebook.

- Okay.

- Give it six months and it'll just be you and me

knocking around in this empty place.

- Well, I can't stay here forever Rowan.

- Well where else will you live?

- Well, I apply for a flat, get my own place.

- You don't have to do that.

I love having you here.

I said that the other day didn't I?

- Uh-huh.

- Maybe I want to do it.

I want toast.

- Good morning.

- Qwer

- Daddy, where's my umbrella?

- You don't need an umbrella, it's not raining.

- He wants to take it to school.

- It's Kev's birthday on Saturday,

do you know what we should get him?

Michelle?

- Right kids, out.

Out, out - I haven't finished

my toast yet. - I don't care, out.

Come on, get out.

- What's Daddy done now?

- Never you mind Caitlin.

- What have I done now?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- No, are you so threatened that I've got a job

that you spend your days cruising Coventry Couples

looking for other women?

And not even women Martin because here on your search

it says that you're a woman looking for a man in his 60s.

- Because I was looking for my dad.

Jack Challenor's mum, from school, said that her mum's

a widow on the prowl and saw me dad on there.

- What on earth?

- Yeah, look.

- Oh.

- Do you think I should talk to him?

I think someone should have a word.

- Come on then, it's all going today please.

It's your friendly neighborhood fire sale.

I'm not asking 50 pounds.

I'm not asking 10 pounds.

I'm not even asking a fiver ladies.

Everything, whether it's a fork or a wardrobe

it's going for a pound.

- How much is your setee?

- It's a quid Mrs. Bates

but you have to carry it back yourself.

- Dad, what ya doing?

- It's all going Martin.

Everything for a pound.

- Can I have this photo?

- That's a photo of me, what do ya want that for?

- I like the frame.

- Dad, flippin' stop this nonsense and take the signs down.

- There all good clothes in that suitcase.

Pauline's had them since the 80s.

Could all the mascots for Saturday's

annual mascot race, gather on the pitch

for a photo call please.

That's all the mascots for Saturday's annual mascot race

gather on the pitch for the photo call, thank you.

Hiya.

What you doing here?

- Charlie came back from the scan yesterday

and started reading a book of baby names.

He said he even liked the name Ashley.

- Really?

- For a girl.

Yeah?

- Dad's gone doolally, he's flogging off

all mum's stuff in the front garden.

- Phillipa Bates, where are ya going with that sofa?

- I bought it, there's nothing you can do.

Everything for a pound

and after 1 o'clock it'll all be 50p.

- Mrs. Bates, look to yourself and return that sofa.

Don't you dare make a run for it.

- Tommy, Scarlett!

- I bought it. - Get off.

- Can you all return everything.

Nothing is for sale, okay?

- Take nothing, it's a pick 'n mix.

- Sarah, can you get the microphone off Ken?

- How much has he sold?

- I keep trying to buy everything back,

but I'm running out of money.

How much you got?

- Step away from the settee.

Step away from the settee.

Mrs. Bates if you can just take a little second over there

please while we just calm this situation down.

- Can everybody just put everything down please?

- Kenneth, why are you doing this?

- None of this is wanted anymore.

- Right, well this needs to be said.

Everyone here wants you two to get back together, so.

I'm not sure your mum does any more Kevin.

- Well, obviously not today Auntie Rowan.

Not when he's a mentalist.

- I'm not a mentalist.

- Well I'll stop calling you one when you stop selling off

our family heirlooms like your on Cash in the Attic.

That tat out there in boxes means the world to us Dad.

Those photos and that cutlery and those bathroom scales

they're our family history.

- I'm not sure Dad wants to get back with Mum, Kev.

- What's that?

- It's from a dating website.

- Where did ya get that?

- From the website.

- Why've you been on one of those?

- This is awful, one minute your parents

are growing old gracefully and the next your lovely, sweet

Dad crops up on Coventry Copulators saying

he's up for a good time.

- Coventry Copulators?

- Coventry Couples. - Coventry Couples.

- Why is this happening to me?

- Have you had any action?

- Not yet.

- I'm not surprised Dad.

I mean a word of advice, when describing yourself

don't write in many ways I'm over the hill

or my idea of a good night in is changing a carburetor.

It's not gonna appeal.

- Not if you're after sex.

- Is that what your after?

- It's what you're having all the time.

- Oh my God.

- With little Mr. Bachman.

- Sorry, can we not?

- We are not having sex, Ken.

It's about much more than that.

Anyway, being married to you

I'm surprised I remember what sex is.

Oh.

- You gave up on it first.

- Who started saying snide remarks like,

"Why every time does it have to be like an Olympic event?"

- Who stayed in the bath every Sunday night

until they knew I'd fallen asleep?

- Whoa, I think it is safe to say

that no one ever wanted to hear that conversation.

- You two, Ken and Pauline, are so important to all of us.

We've all looked at you at different times in our lives

for how to be married, or for a home, do you know that?

Charlie's right.

- And none of us know what's happening Mum.

So go with your husband, talk about sex as much as you want

but just sort it out.

- You've cleaned up.

- I can't stay here if you're not coming back, Paul.

- Okay.

- Are you coming back?

- I still want to find something new.

- Then let's sell up.

I wanna sell up, I'll do it properly.

- Have we reached the end of the line mister?

- I think we have misses.

But can we at least stay friends?

- Yes, please.

You spend years where even the thought of separating feels

impossible but then it emerges that it's the only thing

you can do and it's the thought of staying together

which becomes so foreign.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- So, have you got your scan photo Heather?

- What does Kev want for his birthday Sarah?

- I dunno, I'll ask him and I'll send you an email.

- What are you getting him?

- Dunno, well he got his job back,

that's all he deserves really.

- Yeah, enough of this, where's the scan?

- Come on, get it out.

Let's have a look.

- Aww, wow. - Oh, gorgeous.

- Doesn't he look like Charlie?

- Um, I don't see it.

- He is, or she is.

- Oh, yeah definitely, got a Charlie shaped head.

- Yeah, he's probably lyin' in there, snoring away

in a Scottish accent.

- Can I have it back?

- Yeah, one sec.

- Can I have it back, please Michelle?

- You all right H?

Oh God.

- Is it the baby?

- Look, if I tell you something now

, you have to keep it a secret, forever.

- Yeah, of course.

Charlie's not the father of Heather's baby?

Kevin, what you doing out of bed?

- I leapt out of bed in shock.

Who is the father?

- Ashley, her dancing partner.

- Sky Blue Sam the elephant man?

- Yeah, she said that after they'd won

the dancing competition they doused each other in champagne

and then they went back to his.

- Sarah, they won Strictly Come Cov

not the Monaco Grand Prix.

- I know, but...

How long have you lived here?

All my life.

We bought the house off my mum and dad when we got married.

I remember moving in and I was so excited.

We unpacked everything and then I just sat there

and I thought, "What do I do now?"

But you just make it up as you go along don't you?

Make up a childhood for the kids, all the little traditional

things that I did like always making a Victoria sponge

on the first day of the school holidays,

or always giving Kevin his favorite bag of fudge

on his birthday.

- Well, I'll pick you up in an hour.

- Oh. - Hi.

- Hello.

- I did ring the doorbell but you were.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, no I've just come to remove some of me stuff

before you try selling it again.

- Yeah, I put your clothes in your dad's room.

- Oh.

- We've had some interest all ready in the house.

- Oh?

- Yeah, there's a couple coming round in about--

in about now actually.

- Well, I'll go and come back.

- No, no it's all right.

Hello.

- Mr. Paradise, we're Alex and Ruth.

Yep, come in, come in.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- You'll have to take us as you find us.

- Well we could knock through here couldn't we?

Turn these two pokey rooms into one?

- Alex is a builder.

- Well, if in time you have two boys and a girl,

the girl'll want her privacy

and then you'll be sad you knocked through.

- And we'll get this old carpet out Ruth.

- It's three years old.

- It's not very nice.

- Pauline loved it when it went down.

I think with lots of work

it'll be all right you know.

- It doesn't need lots of work, it's a lovely family house.

- Well, not yet.

- Well if you don't like it, just go.

Go on, just go.

You come round here, criticizing a perfectly fine property.

- Alex is a builder, he's, he's just got vision.

- Yeah, well he'll have double vision

if he doesn't stop criticizing.

Have we seen enough?

We've seen enough and we've heard enough.

Thank you for coming.

Flamin' cheek, ripping up the carpet.

- Well of course he's gonna rip up the carpet.

Anyone who buys the house is going to want to change it.

- Why, it's been good enough for us.

We've been happy here.

- I haven't been at times Ken.

- We were happy.

We were happy when Heather started

to crawl here in this room.

We were happy when Kevin put a saucepan on his head

and walked into the door pretending to be a spaceman.

- I was not happy then, I spent a whole night

in casualty with him, alone, because you wouldn't come.

You wanted to work on a car early in the morning.

I've been alone in this house Ken.

- We were happy when Kevin gave up the trumpet.

- The entire street was happy

when Kevin gave up the trumpet.

It wasn't exclusive to this house.

- You're not being fair Pauline.

This has been a good house and we've been a happy family,

in the main with ups and downs.

You're unfair saying this.

- And we have Rory from Wood End phoning in.

Are you going to the mascot race on Saturday Rory?

Well, I'm in it Charlie.

- Ah, right, well who you running as?

I'm going as a rabbit, representing Hinckley Rugby.

- Ehh, what've you been doing for your training?

Well, I've been eating lots of carrots,

I've been doing lots of breeding,

just normal rabbit things, you know.

- Not as much breeding as the elephant.

- It's up to Heather to tell him, Kev.

- Well, she's not going to admit it, she is adamant.

- Charlie's our family too.

He's as much a brother to me as you are Michelle.

He deserves to know.

- Kevin, however much we like to think we know

what goes on in each other's marriages,

we really don't have a clue and we don't meddle in them.

- Paul, Heather's goin' to heat us if we tell him.

- Not if she don't realize it's us.

- How can we watch the poor bloke live a lie?

And when the kids born, we'd all turn up to the hospital

with presents and he'll be beaming and all of us will know.

- You could ring up his radio show and drop a hint.

Pretend to be someone from the club.

- Or just someone.

Okay.

- Kevin, don't do this. - No.

- I know what to do.

- Kevin, get his phone - No, no, no.

Oh, Kevin, no, no, no.

- Do we love Charlie?

Do we love him, do we care about him?

Yes.

- That's the only thing that matters.

- Oh.

- I don't know whether to leave the room or--

- Oh, really if you're gonna do it, disguise your voice.

Disguise your voice!

- Okay, and phoning in, phoning in we have--

Juan from Barcelona.

Hello Juan.

- Hello there.

Are you really phoning from Barcelona?

- Yes, I get your program on the interweb.

- That's fantastic.

- Well, I don't suppose you're popping down Broadgate

for the mascot race on Saturday?

- No, but I have been before.

- What are you doing?

- I love Coventry, I studied architecture there.

And I have a question for you Charlie.

Do you think it's moral for competitors to run

in the famous mascot race when they have had sex

with their co-workers?

- Oh, well, I don't, there's nothing

in the competition's rules, Juan.

- And, I know some of the competitors like Sky Blue Sam

have been carrying on such immorality

and in Spain it would not be allowed.

- You've gone Welsh.

- All right, how do you know that from Spain?

- Because, I know very well Sky Blue Sam

and I think men like that should not be cheered in public.

- Well, my wife is one of Sky Blue Sam's co-workers

Juan and she has never said anything

about him getting up to mischief.

Well, as long as it doesn't effect

his running, 'cause I've got a fiver on him all right?

- So goodbye from Spain.

Adios.

- Adios Juan.

Some nutcase rang up the show saying that Ashley's

having it off with someone in your office.

- Ashley?

- Aye, I always thought Ashley was a gay.

- I always thought Ashley was gay, not was a gay.

- Ahh, did you?

Well, maybe you'll be the one who turns him?

Or maybe it's you that they think he's with?

All that dancing, 'cause after all,

dancing's just an excuse to get your morals

on someone isn't it?

- No, who rang up the station?

- Some Spanish guy.

- What?

- At times when you're married you imagine

an alternative life, being with someone else,

an ideal woman.

Someone like, Jan Leeming for example.

What would life have been like married to her?

Princess Anne?

Now what would it have been like to go out with Ruth Price?

She used to run the bar down the Hare 'N Squirrel.

I spent five or six years imagining that whole date.

What I would wear, where I'd take her

that would show me off to me best.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Joyce.

- Ken.

- You're taller in real life

than you are on the computer screen.

- Oh, thank you.

- I love this place don't you?

- Yes, I do.

Although I've been told by my son

to warn ya that I can bore for Britain about cars.

- If you do, I'll kick you in the shins.

Is that a deal?

- That's a deal.

- Mrs. Paradise.

- Mr. Bachman.

- So, what have you got in your plastic bag today?

- Oh, it's a present for Kevin.

It's round his afterwards for his birthday.

- There's always a birthday lurking in your family.

- Apart from August.

- Oh, I'm August.

- Martin told me Ken's had some action on his website.

He's off on a date.

- So are you.

Listen, I bought tickets 18 months ago

to see Ashkenazy play Rachmaninoff.

- At chess?

- No, no, in Paris.

I was gonna go with my wife.

Have you ever been to Paris?

- Yes, Kevin's been he said it was lovely.

- Yeah, but have you been?

- No, but Kevin took loads of photos.

He surprises you sometimes Kevin, he's quite cultured.

- Oh look, oh look, it's got a mind of it's own.

- Dad, dad, stop, dad stop, you're being embarrassing.

Dad!

We have got bears for Warwickshire,

we've got owls for Staffordshire,

got tigers from Leicester.

- 30 creatures from across the sports clubs

of the midlands have come to challenge the champion elephant

on his sprint around the precinct.

- So, is Bristol going to be your first choice?

- It was wonderful Gran.

I know you'd like me to go to Warwick and live here but--

- I don't, I want you to go.

I'm going to try your mum again when I'm brave enough.

Is that all right?

- Yeah.

- I had a bit of a sneaky look at Coventry Couples

and there he was, in his best suit standing outside

the church at Bridgett's christening.

I read what people had written about what they wanted

from a relationship and what struck me was

that they all wanted the same thing.

Honesty, a wish to travel, reliability, romantic, loyal,

good sense of humor it's not rocket science is it?

- Okay, so what everyone here wants to know

is do you think that you can take on Sky Blue Sam

who's the reigning champion?

There's absolutely no way.

- Absolutely.

Hold on for a minute.

Oh, no, Kev, Kevin, you've been beeped by the fire station.

You're gonna have to go.

- Oh, no.

Charlie, there's an emergency, we've got to go.

- But I've not been beeped.

- Oh, you do this then.

- Kev, come on.

- I can't, I'm working, I'm doing the commentary.

- Martin, you're time is now.

Get the ostrich on, go.

- No, no, no, no.

- Go on Dad, do it. - Yeah, you can do it.

- Flippin' heck.

- Don't come last.

- Come on Kev.

- Bet ya ten quid Uncle Martin comes last.

- You're done, no, not done, we don't bet.

- Come on, get your trousers off Martin.

, do it for Espania,

do it for Barcelona, you can do it.

You can run like the wind.

See you later, round our place, oh happy day.

- Ken look, there's the TR7.

- That's right.

- This is my favorite Triumph.

What a beauty.

- Powered by 92 horse power engine.

- That was the American version.

The British right-hand drive was 105 horse power,

1998cc, 8-valve, four cylinder engine.

- How come you know so much about cars?

- When you wrote that your idea of a good night in

was changing a carberetta I knew you'd be the bloke for me.

Is anybody watching?

- What?

- I haven't been under one of these for 20 years.

- Joyce, what are you doing?

Oh look at this, this is heaven Ken.

Oh this is beautiful. - Joyce.

- Hello, yes it is.

Oh my God.

- Joyce, stop it.

What?

Ken?

- They've made an offer on the house?

Come and have a look at this.

- No, no, no, no, I've got to talk it through with Pauline.

I've got to see Pauline.

I'll get back to ya.

Joyce, I've gotta go.

Can you hear me?

What?

- I've gotta go.

- They're off, two laps of the course.

The first to show is a bear, and there's a tiger

from, representing somewhere, and Sky Blue Sam

is one of the first to the first obstacle.

And once again folks as you can see it's an incredibly

action-packed, annual mascot race.

Bumping, jostling, roaring, fighting.

All these things may not be allowed at your own personal--

- Go on!

To the city center.

- It was Kev who rang the show wasn't it?

- What?

- He was talkin' about you, you and Ashley.

- Charlie I don't think that's right.

- No, I know it is.

Kev was trying to get me to see

what was in front of my eyes.

- Charlie not here, not now.

- Sarah, I'm trying to talk to my wife.

How long's it been going on?

Is it going on now, even though your pregnant?

- No.

- The baby's his isn't it?

It's his?

Heather, Heather.

- Sweetheart.

- What have you done to us?

How could you do this to us?

- No, Charlie.

- Oh Charlie come back.

- Oi, you.

Roehampton.

- Well run, what an injection of pace from Sky Blue Sam.

- Get after him.

He streaks through the field being pursued by.

Charlie, stop!

Charlie, no!

Charlie, wait.

Charlie, stop.

Dad?

- I've got to talk to your mum.

- Did you know?

- Only for the last few days.

I'm sorry mate.

- Okay.

- Don't go after him Charlie.

Don't do anything you'll regret.

- Are they for me?

- Can be, why aren't you inside?

- I was thinking about you.

- That couple, they made an offer on the house.

- Did you tell him?

Did he find out?

- Bit of both.

- What you gonna do?

Heather, life's too short not to do what you want with it.

I've loved you from the first moment I saw you.

I want to be with you and grow old and I'm sure Charlie

will say the same thing but you've gotta know what you want.

- I want you.

- I love this place.

I came here after you asked me to marry you.

- Did you?

- Yeah.

I didn't know what I wanted.

I needed a bit of peace.

So I came and sat here and tried to work it out.

- And what did you decide?

- I decided to marry you you great chump.

What do you think we've been doing for the last 41 years?

- You decided that here?

- Yes, on that bench there.

- I'm sorry for making you lonely.

For not being there at times with the kids,

or your dad.

For making you have conversations with me feet.

- How was your date?

- Wasn't you.

How was yours?

- Okay, it wasn't me.

I don't want to sell my house Ken

but I can't go back to the way we were.

I have missed you.

- How did I get so grumpy?

- I don't know.

- I've got nothing to be grumpy about.

I've got no complaints.

I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it.

You're the best thing in my life Paul

and I forgot that.

- Hey, happy birthday.

What's wrong, I'm only 39.

It's next year you have to start looking gloomy for me.

- Charlie found out.

- How?

- Well, you started talking Spanish at the mascot race

and he put two and two together.

- Where is he now?

- Don't know.

- Oh hell, are they angry with me?

- Well, we'll find out won't we.

- Remind them it's my happy day.

It's Mum and Dad.

- Together?

- What did you do to Charlie, Kevin?

- I tried to do what was right Mum.

- Why, why break the habit of a lifetime?

- Because kids are important Mum, you know that

and Charlie has a right to know.

- You shouldn't interfere in your sister's marriage.

- Why not?

It's a terrible thing Heather's done mum.

- She made a mistake Kevin.

It's not terrible, it's just life.

- That might be right, yeah.

And they'll not thank me for it today

but eventually they'll be pleased I opened my big mouth.

but eventually they'll be please I opened my big mouth.

The happiness of everyone in this family is important to me

and Heather could be never be happy if she was carrying

I'm proud I interfered with my sister, Mum

and I'd interfere with any of you

if I though it would make you happy.

- Yeah, I think that last sentence came out a wee bit wrong.

- Yeah, I think that last sentence came out a bit wrong.

- Yeah, you should have thought that through.

- In fact, is that my fudge?

- Yes.

- Oh, thank you.

Where's my presents, Sarah?

I'm gonna interfere now.

I was asked what I wanted most in the world

for my birthday and it was this.

Open it.

It's a three day break in Paignton for two people,

starting tomorrow at the same hotel

you spent your honeymoon.

- Well, I hope you enjoy yourselves.

- It's for you two, Dad.

Because what I want most in the world

is you two, happy again.

- I was offered a hotel trip to Paris this afternoon.

- Paris?

Mum, offered the choice of either Paris or Paignton

are you seriously having to think about it?

- Was it a mistake you and him?

'Cause people make mistakes Heather,

people do and I've been thinking--

- Charlie.

- Been thinking, let me finish.

It doesn't mean everything's over does it?

You might have to allow me a few moments.

You know, bit of shouting and a few tears

and you're gonna have to change your job

but that doesn't necessarily mean that we're over does it?

I'll still love the baby because the baby will be yours

and it'll still be our, our family.

- It wasn't a mistake.

Can we talk?

- Talk how, what is there to talk about now?

I don't, of course we can talk

but just not tonight.

I'll pack a bag.

- Well where will you go?

- Gary's.

- Here are your tickets dad.

- Oh, thank you.

- You have to catch this train

'cause your seats are reserved.

- Do you think she's coming?

- Martin's going to pick her up, just to make sure.

- That doesn't mean she'll get in the car.

She was a bit snippy with me last night

when I asked her about it.

Told me to mind me own business which was extraordinary.

- Look Kevin, he's here.

- Where is she?

- She wasn't there.

- Why not?

- Let's just go Kevin.

- Because she went by taxi.

- Thanks, that's fine.

On our wedding day, I remember walking down the aisle

with my dad and I couldn't hear anything

'cause of this rushing noise in my head

and it felt so strange being in front of everybody I knew

and being the focus of attention.

- You were the focus of my attention

when I looked back down the aisle.

The thing I remember is being on the train that evening

and wondering how long the journey was gonna be

because I didn't know where Paignton was.

You'd organized everything.

But wherever it turned out to be I knew it was the beginning

of the rest of my life

and I knew I wanted to go there with you.

- You've never said that before.