Original subtitles

- So if I want big money, big money, and quickly,

how do I get it?

- You go big on a treble.

- Betting?

No way.

- You go big, Kev, big to go big.

- Sarah would go red, and steam would come out of her eyes,

and she'd get this big elephant gun

she keeps under the bed for this purpose

and chase me around the house shooting huge bullets.

- Gary Twatface wins every week.

Don't ya? - Indeedy.

- Her dad bet away every penny they ever had.

- Stick 500 quid on a treble of hot favorites.

- Mind you write it at home, that kind of thing.

- I'm not listening. - You get about two to one,

and three times out of four you double your money.

- I've lost all knowledge of the English language.

So when I'm lookin' at you now,

all I'm hearing is noise, evil noise.

You bet 500 pounds a week on football?

- And every month I'm a grand up.

- In you go, lads.

The incident's on the first floor.

The old woman who lives there

is the only one unaccounted for.

Let's go, Charlie, you go first.

And Charlie, I'm right behind you.

I think if you've got secrets in a marriage,

you're not in good shape.

- No.

- Sarah says they're like little campfires.

A little fib here, a little coverup.

- Yeah, campfires that will end up burnin' the forest down.

- Especially in Australia.

- But we have got no secrets because--

- We are honest with each other.

- Because I make it my business to know all of his.

I know, for example, that that handbag that he bought me

cost twice as much as he said it did.

And I also know that he has watched

Beyonce's Single Ladies video on YouTube 217 times.

- For the music.

Are you all right?

- Why are there no photographs?

No traces of grandchildren, no husband.

- Maybe there was no husband.

No family.

- What?

- Dad rang up last night, and he said not to tell you this,

but he's really ill and he needs you.

But he said not to say.

- I'm sure he can cope.

- I'm sure he won't.

He has debilitating gastroenteritis.

- Well, it makes a change from his usual debilitating gas.

- Mum, mum, you can laugh if you want,

but do you know where I am now?

- I dread to think, Kevin.

The bath?

- I am in the flat of an old woman

who has made the mistake of drying her tights

too near the convector heater

and has died alone and without family.

Why don't you ring and talk to dad?

Goodbye, Kevin.

Mum, mum, don't hang up.

Why don't you--

- Kevin?

- Actually, goodbye.

- I've got a new man, dad.

And don't worry, nothing's happened yet.

But I'm finding it exciting,

although not as exciting as Rowan.

She suggested a foursome the other day,

and I got a bit beady with her,

until I realized she was talking about playing tennis.

Is this Emma?

Has Emma been to see you, dad?

Kev.

You all right, mate?

- Yeah.

Emotional.

Gettin' too old for this job.

- 540,

560,

580,

600, which I believe is all the monies due

on Nathan going on the French tour.

Is he on the plane?

He is.

- And here's 10 quid to get yourself

something nice, sweetheart.

- Get off!

- All courtesy of Gary's scam of betting on the favorites.

Drinks on me, Julie.

- There are no footie matches today, Kev.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

I bet 'em on the horses. Haydock Park.

And I got much better than your two to one,

so I put much less on.

How are you feeling, dad?

- He's not so great. - What are you doing out?

Do you want a beer?

- I want to see the game.

- What were the horses' names?

- Do you know, if I had a racehorse,

do you know what I'd call it?

I'd call it My Trousers Are Falling Down.

So you get blokes who have the bookies saying

I'll have 10 pounds each way

on My Trousers Falling Down.

- So how come's dad's got so much money?

- He won it on the horses.

- How many times have I told you

how my mum used to save all year

with the Christmas Club at work?

- Many times. - It's because she knew

that my dad would have nothing to help pay

for the kids' presents at Christmas!

And when he found out about her little secret,

so he got the club to give him the money,

and then he, he lost it all on the Nigel Mansell Grand Prix!

- Sarah, I'm not stealing Christmas.

I am providing our son with a trip of a lifetime

that we have promised him for over a year.

- That is not the point!

- That's the whole point!

I don't bet, Sarah, you know that.

I just don't.

And I will never do it again.

- He could have made an effort.

- Was I drunk when I agreed to do this?

- Yes, you were showing off.

And I have to say, Pauline,

is there not a single occasion

where you don't think it inappropriate

to accessorize with a plastic shopping bag?

There are pictures of your children's wedding,

everyone looking tiptop,

and there's you in the front row clutching a Tesco bag.

What on earth do you keep in there?

- Well, today I've got a camera and a hairbrush.

I want them handy.

- Here we go, here we go!

Date face, date face!

- Hey, hey, right!

- That's not a date face.

- Give it to Nathan!

You've gotta get the ball into their 22!

Take it, Nathan!

Come on!

Well played, well played!

Yes!

- It's odd, mum not being here with a bag full of food,

telling Kev to stop embarrassing everyone.

- Get it to Nathan!

Get your best player in the game!

- It's a relief she's not here.

It means that I have the urge

to tell her everything all the time.

'Cause then you know Rowan's gonna hear about it,

and then you, and then--

- She can keep a secret.

- She hates secrets, Martin.

Remember, she used to shame 'em out of us as kids.

I used to think things weren't real

at school or with friends.

They hadn't actually happened until I told mum about it.

- Like what?

What doesn't feel real at the moment, H?

- Nothing!

Nothin'!

- The first nothing was convincing.

The second one not.

- Jagshemash!

Will you stop embarrassing everyone?

You still coming to my Borat party tomorrow night?

Are you going?

Charlie's going.

- No, Michelle's arranged to meet a mate.

- Michelle's going out?

She's actually arranged to leave the children and go out?

You'll have to tell her things have changed

over the last 11 years, Martin.

There's mobile phones, banoffee pie--

- Don't be silly.

- Where's Michelle going?

- She won't say.

Ooh!

- I'm gonna stay in with the kids.

- Get a babysitter, you lapdog.

You didn't come to my Big Lebowski party the other month.

Come 'round and watch Borat with the lads.

I want you there.

- Your dad's been taken ill. - Where?

- In the bar.

- Kev!

- What?

- It's dad!

- Ugh.

Oh, sorry!

God, goddammit!

- Whoops-a-daisy.

- Oh, shut up!

Oh!

- You off, then?

Don't forget your bag.

- I'll go with her.

- My whole family is obsessed with sport.

And let me tell you a secret, Peter,

that I've kept for decades.

- You hate it?

- I hate every jockstrap I've ever picked up,

every sock I've ever lost in the wash,

every rain-drenched touch line I've ever stood on.

It is the most pointless waste of everybody's time,

and I have not made a bid for a better life

in order to dress up like Sue Barker over there and do this!

- I heard that.

Good!

I think tennis is especially bad.

- It's stupid!

- I think it's the sort of thing that makes God swear.

I think he looks down and he thinks

I gave you all an amazing planet, and these amazing brains,

and look how you're spending your time.

- Kevin. - Mum, you've got to come.

Dad's had heart palpitations and has collapsed.

- Don't tell your mum, whatever you do.

- It was gastroenteritis this morning.

- Well, it's obviously spreading to his vital organs, mum.

It's attacked his heart.

- Tell your mum not to worry herself.

I'll be all right.

- He's as hot as a kettle, mum.

He needs you, you've got to come!

- No, I don't.

- She's coming, isn't she?

I told you not to ring.

- She's rung off.

- Just lie back, dad, the ambulance is on its way.

- Eh?

Who's called an ambulance?

- Don't worry, dad, it's on its way.

- I really don't want to be a bother.

- Why isn't mum coming?

- She thinks I'm lying.

Hi, boss.

- Kev, I know you're not working tomorrow,

but could you get in here for 10 o'clock?

- Sure, why?

- The police want to talk to all the crew

at this morning's incident.

Some money's been reported missing

from the old woman's flat,

and they just want to dot some I's, cross some T's.

- Of course.

Cheer, Kev.

Was that your mum again?

- Yeah.

- Not your bookie.

- No.

- When I think of who I could have married.

Dale Alsop.

Paul Morris, who was a real possibility that summer.

Do you remember him?

- You mention it from time to time.

- I thank my lucky stars that I got Kev,

because he is a real hero.

Not just to me and the kids, but in the world.

Because most men will never experience

what a firefighter sees or what he'll have to go through.

- The trick is not to think of yourself as a hero.

You're just an ordinary bloke doing an ordinary job.

She had money stuffed under her mattress?

- It was around 800 quid in a bag, evidently.

This is what her son said.

- She had family?

'Cause I noticed there were no photographs or anything.

You know, just naturally observant.

- Her son said he would check the money was there

every time he went 'round,

so he knew it was there the night before she died.

- That is outrageous. He'd visit his mum just to make sure

she hadn't spent any of her cash?

- Some people, eh?

Kev.

Only the emergency services

had been in that room since the son.

- Okay.

- So did you see anyone with the money,

hear anyone talking about it?

- No.

- And being naturally observant,

have you been aware of anything else going on?

Any reason why one of the lads'd be needing some money?

- No.

They're good lads here.

Right.

If we're done.

Zey haf vays of making you talk, like ze Cossack police.

- Cossack police.

- Oh my.

Scarlie.

- Mm-hm?

- If it was your mum who visited Frank's grave,

I don't think you should keep it from your gran.

- It's her, Auntie Pauline.

- When she disappeared, she was in a bad way.

The drugs she was on, her and this fella--

- I know this.

- Yes, well, it was really painful for your gran.

She tried everything to find her.

You have to tell her what you're doing.

- Hello.

- I'm pregnant.

Ashley?

- Sorry, sorry.

I'm just trying to gather myself.

- You're gonna have to say something,

'cause I don't think I can actually talk.

- Uh, who's the father?

- I don't know.

- When did you and Charlie--

- The morning after us.

I can't get rid of it, Ashley.

I know.

- It could be my only chance.

- I know.

- What if it comes out lookin' like you,

with a trunk and large ears?

Charlie's calling.

If you're not gonna talk, I'm gonna take it.

Hello, heart.

- Heya.

Just a reminder that I've got Kev's party tonight.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later, then.

- Heather.

I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Oh, sorry, not you.

- I know.

But I do.

- I know.

- That's perfect, Abbs, that's great.

Nathan, what do you think of the suit?

- Okay, so we have got sheep's eyeballs and lamb huamb.

- You are goddess.

Perfect wife.

Well, I hope not!

- How much did that silly suit cost?

- This silly suit was free.

- Stop lying, dad.

- I'm taking it back in the morning

and saying it doesn't fit.

I'll get a full refund.

- Yeah, and what if you get sheep eyeballs down it?

- Then it'll cost 150 pounds,

but that's not going to happen.

And why are you talking to me

like I'm the child in our relationship?

- 150 pounds?

- It'll be back before they cash the check.

- Some people call that stealing, don't they, dad?

- Borrowing.

And women do this kind of thing all the time.

- I don't.

- Tops and frocks and all sorts of nonsense.

- Oh, borrowing.

Sorry.

Or s-o-r-r-y.

- What, you got a spelling test in the morning?

- You know what I'm on about.

- I haven't got a clue what you're on about.

- What did you say to Mister Grumpy Trousers?

Ooh. - Oh, Abby, get the lads in.

- Come on. - Here you are.

Put your mustache on. - Come on to bubba,

come on to bubba.

Dad.

Jagshemash!

Sexy time!

Jagshemash!

Sex--

- Oh.

What's happening?

- Mrs. Paradise.

- Grandpa, grandpa, come on.

- All right, all right, don't pull,

don't pull. - Come on!

- Oh, you're looking ridiculously attractive.

- I'm supposed to look ridiculous.

It's one of Kev's parties.

Why are you dressed up like you're gonna see a lawyer?

- Well, maybe I am.

- Who are you gonna see?

- Look at grandpa, mum, look at pop!

- Dad!

Should you be doing that?

- Martin, Kevin's been arrested!

They've taken him to prison!

- The police station.

- Why?

- Because some money went missing in a fire,

and because he won all that cash they think it was him.

- It wasn't, was it? - No!

- Look at granddad!

Grandpa's gonna do a somersault!

- Dad, don't do a somersault!

- I did this when I were young!

- I don't know what to do!

I know what he's like.

He'll be scared and he'll say all the wrong things.

Martin!

He needs our support more than ever right now.

Ah!

- Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

Are you all right, dad?

Dad!

Can you hear me?

- Rowan! - Hm?

Rowan, I'm off.

I'm off, then.

- Where are you off to?

- The Royal Lodge Hotel.

- Alone?

- Peter's taking me for a meal, then we're stayin' over.

It's too far for a taxi,

and if he drives, he won't be able to drink.

- Oh, that old trick.

- It's not a trick, Tom.

He's booked two rooms.

He showed me the printout.

- I bet he did.

And before you go down to dinner,

he'll knock on your door and he'll say

Pauline, I've got a little something for you.

- Rowan, don't.

Just don't.

- Bye.

- Your carriage awaits, madam.

Thank you.

And please don't get poncey like that.

I like you 'cause you're ordinary.

- Okay.

- Pauline!

- Mum, you've gotta come, we need you.

Dad's done his back in completely.

Kev's been arrested by the police.

- This is my son, Martin, the sensible one.

- Dad somersaulted over the hedge into nextdoor's garden.

He's now in our front room, unable to move.

- So in the last two day he's had gastroenteritis,

heart palpitations, and has now done his back in.

- Yeah, that's right.

- And they say men can't multitask.

- Pauline, Kev's in serious trouble.

They think he stole money from the body of a dead woman.

- I don't believe it.

This family is not falling apart

because I have left your dad,

and stop trying to make out it is.

- Pauline! - Where are you going?

Where's she going?

Mum!

What are you, mum!

You can't just run off!

Come back!

Mum!

- And the mustache.

- I need your belt and tie, please, Kev.

- For sure.

Can I call my lawyer?

- Do you have a lawyer?

- No.

- Then let's leave it till later.

- I don't have a lawyer 'cause I'm innocent, you see.

- If you'll follow me.

- Yeah.

- We'll have a chat in about an hour.

- We can have a chat now, 'cause there isn't more to say.

Yeah.

Do you want me to take my trousers off?

- Do you want to take your trousers off?

- No, but I was thinking I could use 'em to top myself.

I could wrap the legs around my neck and agh.

If I was that way inclined.

I mean, you might not have thought that I knew procedures.

- We'll take the risk.

- Not that your procedures weren't well thought through.

They were very professional.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to question your professionalism,

I was just trying to help!

- I've brought a change of clothes.

I wonder if it's possible you could

get it to him? - I can't do that, love.

- It's just that he's got a new suit on,

and he's not going to be able to take it back

if he's worn it too much,

and it cost 150 pounds.

- Sorry.

- Will he be out this evening?

Possibly.

Is it all right if we wait?

Sure.

Come on.

Come on, Sarah.

- You know, if someone goes to hospital,

my mum always says that it's really important

that everybody gets here immediately,

and then they'll realize that the patient's

from a good family and they'll get better care.

They're gonna realize that he's not the kind of man

that could do something like this.

- Where's Nathan?

- Oh, he stormed out.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hi, Charlie.

- Sarah, where are you?

We can't get it.

People are staring.

- Well, we're at the police station.

Kev's been arrested for theft.

- Gary, they've arrested Kev.

- Do you know where Heather is?

'Cause it would be really good if you could get here

just for a bit of support.

- Yeah, sure, we'll be two seconds, two seconds.

Move, move, move, move, move, move.

- I keep running different conversations through my head

that I can have with either you or Charlie,

and there's not one I can face having with Charlie.

I can't do this to him.

So this business between us stops.

The dancing stops, our friendship stops on all levels.

The baby's Charlie's.

- How do you know?

- Because I know.

- What?

- Ask any woman who's had sex with two men on the same day

who the father of her child is,

and I bet they would all be able to tell you.

- I can't challenge that, can I,

'cause I don't know any other woman who's done that.

- Neither do I.

- See?

I always thought you were unique.

- No, the friendship stops, Ashley.

- Okay.

But

if you need me, I can be where you are,

any hour of the day or night.

- You sound like a Phil Collins song.

Scarlett, where have you been?

Grandpa Frank's.

- Kevin's been arrested,

and we're all needed for some sort of--

- It's a vigil.

- Some sort of vigil, yes.

Are you coming?

Hi, Scarlie, it's Emma here, mum.

- So this cash that you paid

for Nathan's rugby tour was won on the horses?

- That's right. - Where did you place the bet?

Billyhills on Ball Hill.

Horses' names?

Shep, a 2:15 at Haydock Park,

Petra, and Karaoke, all at Haydock Park.

- Kevin, from the accounts

of your colleagues in the fire service,

you were the only one alone

in the late Mrs. Gibson's bedroom at any time.

- Okay.

- 800 pound in cash goes missing,

and then a few hours later you turn up

with about that amount of money to pay for your son's tour,

a commitment you've been anxious about fulfilling.

Are you gonna tell us what happened, Kev?

- I won the bet, sir.

- Okay.

- Can I go home?

- You're in a notified profession, Kevin,

which means we have to wait for your station officer

to hear why you've been arrested.

And we're gonna check your bet out with the shop.

Also,

Gary--

- Twatface. - Thorpe.

I beg your pardon?

- Gary Thorpe, sorry.

- Gary

told us about a theft at the rugby club

a couple of weeks ago,

when you were behind the bar.

We're seeing if the club's got the CCTV of that night,

and we want to look at that as well before we let you go.

- Mum's turned the phone off, Martin.

She's gonna want to know Kevin's in here.

- I tried to tell her.

- Which hotel did she go to?

- Rowan'll know.

- Miss Paradise. - Yes?

- They're planning to reinterview

your husband in the morning now,

so he'll be in custody overnight.

It's probably best that you all go.

- Is this a bad sign?

- Not necessarily.

- How's your room?

- It's fine.

It's overheated, but it's fine.

Are we ready to eat?

- Pauline, I've got a little something for you.

- Oh, thank you.

I haven't got you anything.

- Oh, it doesn't matter.

- Carol Ann Duffy.

- She's the poet laureate.

- Great.

Thank you.

- Right, let's--

- Let's go.

- The thing about Pauline,

the thing about her, the thing is,

she's always seeing things from her point of view.

Like I've always been the difficult one

who never wanted to go on holiday or move out.

But in many ways, it's her.

And you can't say it to her.

I think there are things in a marriage

that are too true to say, I think.

- I'm sorry again for not making it tonight, Lucy.

Like I said, my father-in-law

bounced over the fence into nextdoor's garden.

Oh, it was a prang.

Anyway, yeah.

Oh, well, you know, I'll certainly think about it.

No, I don't know what Martin'll say.

It's gonna be difficult.

- A piece of chocolate cake is five pounds 50.

- Just enjoy it.

- I could make two whole cakes for that.

These prices are just rude.

And the cabbage could have done with another 15 minutes.

- Throw caution to the wind, Pauline.

- Sittin' here spending your money?

- Be rude, order the cake.

Didn't you ever have a wild period when you were younger?

- Yes.

My wild period was

a Thursday evening in 1984,

when I had too much asti spumanti in Burton-on-the-Water.

- Yeah, and I bet you had a great time.

- Oh, yes.

Running through the streets

of its miniature village looking for a toilet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I am enjoying tonight.

It's just that I'm not used to the splendor.

And your gifts.

And your attention when I talk.

- Pauline, not since my wife died

have I enjoyed the company of a woman like I enjoy yours.

- Where have you been?

- Dad back?

- No, your dad's not back.

'Cause if he was back,

he would be sitting here with me, wouldn't he?

Do you know, the first time in your life

that your dad really needed your support,

you just go off drinking. - He always needs my support.

- I'm sorry?

- Have they charged him?

- No, they haven't charged him.

And they're trying to pin

the missing rugby club money on him as well.

- Because of course he didn't do it.

- No, he bloody didn't.

- Yes, he bloody did! - Don't you dare shout at me.

You do not shout at me!

Where are you going?

You do not walk away from me, shouting,

because we don't shout in this house!

Nathan!

- S-o-r-r-y.

When are you gonna open your eyes, mum?

- Where did you get this? - In the recycling box.

- Oh my God, did you do it?

- No, I didn't do it, he did!

He did it, mum!

When are you gonna open your eyes to what he is, mum?

- Oh!

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!

Hello, hello!

Can I call my wife?

- You've got to be straight with me, Kev.

Did you steal the money from the rugby club?

- No, no!

- Can you just try answerin' that again?

I absolutely didn't.

You believe me, don't ya?

Love, I'm sorry for placing that bet.

I was-- - Did you steal the money

from the fire?

Is there any truth in what the police are saying?

- No!

I was--

- Please.

Please be honest with me, Kev.

- I was thinking Gary Twatface must have said something

about where I was during the fire

and how much I needed money, and he didn't mean to,

but he's given them the wrong end of the stick.

It's just a mixup.

It's just the son's word anyway,

that this money even existed.

The police have admitted that.

Sar?

Sar?

We met when we were 15.

I kept asking her out, but she said no, no, no,

'cause she had a boyfriend a couple of years above us.

And he wasn't that nice to her.

But she's honest, you see,

so nothing happened until she'd finished it properly.

- Well, you did try to kiss me once,

by the bins at the back of the Wimpy.

- And I got severely told off.

But I loved you for that.

- What, for being told off?

- No, for doing the right thing.

- And we did eventually kiss.

By the bins.

Out back of the Wimpy.

- Well, it was such an irresistibly romantic spot.

♪ How beautiful is ♪

♪ The winning of a kiss ♪

♪ How marvelous is ♪

♪ The beginning of love ♪

♪ Breathing in harmony, singing that melody ♪

♪ Two hearts in tune for love ♪

♪ How wonderful is ♪

♪ The meaning of a sigh ♪

♪ How delicious is ♪

♪ The dreaming of a touch ♪

♪ Breathing in harmony ♪

- Gary, what did you say?

What did the police ask?

- They asked who was in the room when.

And he was the only one in there alone, Sar,

that's all I said.

- Did you actually see him with the money?

- I saw him here with money.

- But--

- Sarah, look, look,

I wish this wasn't happening, all right?

I love the guy more than I love meself some days,

but if he didn't take it, then they won't charge him.

- Alex, what's going on?

Did he take money from here as well?

Because everybody seems to know stuff except for me.

- I want to show you something, Sar.

Hello?

Hello!

Can I talk to someone again, please?

I've got something to say.

- No.

- Mr. Blakefield.

- Hi, Nathan.

- Mr. Blakefield, I,

I wonder if you could give me the money back

that my dad paid for the tour.

I don't want to go on it.

- 'Course, Nathan.

- I don't want my dad to go to prison because of it.

- Have you shown the police the tape?

- 'Course not.

I told them it deletes itself after 10 days.

- Why did you tell them that?

- 'Cause Kev's family here, Sarah.

He's been family here for 25 years.

He's a good bloke.

He just made a mistake.

And he's brought the money back.

So what would be the point

in telling the truth to the police?

- Come here.

- Okay, okay, I took the money.

I stole it.

I'm really sorry.

Hello.

I believe there's a Mrs. Paradise staying here?

But she may be under an assumed name.

Stranger things are happening.

- Are you here to collect her?

- No, there's been a family incident,

and I'm here to see if--

- What are you doing here, Heather?

- Why are you sittin' here like this?

- She's refusing to sleep in the room

that's been reserved for her.

- Why?

Don't you know how hotels work?

- And would not let the gentleman pay for a taxi,

saying she's going to wait until she can get a bus.

In the morning.

It's been very difficult.

- Be quiet.

What happened?

- He's got a string of women.

Like a string of sausages.

He said since he's become a widower,

lonely women tend to chase him,

and he's too polite not to oblige.

- Well, you didn't chase him, did ya?

- I phoned him up.

But only after he'd given me a poetry book

and a Slinky Smile.

All this freedom, H, and I don't know what to do with it.

After a hairdo and a night in a hotel with a fancy man,

what am I gonna do?

- What did you think was gonna happen?

- I thought I'd have Rowan's life.

Foursomes, tennis, glamor.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Why can't I be allowed just to abandon you all,

and just walk away?

- Well, you can if we don't mean anything to ya.

- Has Kevin really been arrested?

- Yes!

And dad's immobile.

And Martin's runnin' around dressed like a flasher.

- And you?

- I'm,

I'm just concerned about everyone.

- Heather.

- You're our hero, mum.

- Hey.

What's this for?

What's wrong?

Scarlie?

- I don't know how to say this.

- What?

Will alcohol help?

It always helps me when I'm stuck for words.

Get yourself a glass.

- I don't know how to say this,

because you've been my mum all my life, gran.

You've acted as my mum.

- Where did you get this?

- She's been visiting grandpa's grave.

- When?

- She's written to me, and I've spoken to her on the phone.

- How is she?

I don't know.

Fine?

- Where is she?

Is she in Coventry?

- Birmingham.

And that's all I'm going to say,

because she doesn't want you to know.

I'm sorry.

- They're just gonna caution me.

They're not gonna press charges.

- Why not?

- Because I owned up.

Returned the money, and previous good character.

- Which is debatable.

- And the woman's son thought it was the right thing to do.

- Why did you do it?

- I can't believe I did it.

I thought Nathan had to go on that tour.

- No, not if we can't afford it.

- I thought if I could do that one thing,

it would make up for all the times I'm skint

and I can't do things.

And I thought, in that moment,

I thought no one would get hurt because there was no family.

- This is rubbish!

- Well, the money could have burned in the fire.

- Rubbish! - I know it's rubbish.

I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying.

And I know it wasn't a victimless crime,

because even if there hadn't been a family,

the victim would have been you.

Me and you.

I'm fed up of lying, Sarah.

The police started laughing at one point.

They said I was the worst liar they'd ever come across.

I picked horse races that didn't exist,

and when they asked who won them,

I gave the names of pets from Blue Peter.

I said Shep won the 2:15 at Haydock Park.

- Come on.

We're going to Martin's.

- Do we have to?

- Yes, we have to.

Everyone's worried sick about you.

- They suspended me from the fire service

pending an investigation.

When we got married, I said to Sarah, I said,

one day I promise we will have a house

on the Leamington Road.

We will have children who won't struggle at maths.

They will be clever.

They will become doctors and librarians

and that sort of thing.

And she said she didn't want any of that.

Just wanted me.

But I knew she was lying.

- I was not.

Hey!

- I don't think applause

and bubbly are appropriate, are they?

- Well, you're innocent, aren't ya?

- Not really.

Not at all.

- But they're not charging me.

Oh.

It'll be okay.

- Kevin.

Your mum.

- Everything all right?

- It will be.

Your dad's still here?

- Oh, yes.

- Oh.

- It's the first time I've seen you lyin' down like this

without a car on top.

How's your gastroenteritis?

- Better.

- Are your test results back?

- Are me testicles black?

- Are your test results back?

- Oh.

No.

- For your heart, in case you've forgotten.

- I hear your new bloke's been given his marchin' orders.

Are you comin' back?

- Why, are you runnin' out of shirts?

- I've been washing my shirts.

- You found out how to work the washing machine, then?

- It wasn't hard.

- It's not, Ken, it's not.

- So

are you comin' home?

- Give me one reason it will be different.

- It just will.

- A reason, Ken.

Get off my back.

- What is it, Kevin?

- Just being supportive.

I told you, Kev.

- Ow.

- Is that him?

- Your tactics for getting me back

have been first to ignore me and then pretend you're ill.

How will it be different?

- Give me time.

- I've given you years, mister.

- I think they're getting on.

- Well, she hasn't killed him yet.

- Which is a positive. Although I think he should kill her

for all these secret dates.

- Yeah, I think marriages need a few secrets.

You know, we don't all have to live

with the lights on and the curtains open, do we?

- Hear, hear.

- Michelle was off on a secret date of her own yesterday.

- It wasn't a date.

It was about a job, actually.

- A job? - Yeah.

- Why are you keeping that a secret?

How can you go back to work with all the kids, Chelle?

How do you think that's gonna work?

- Don't have a barney, for God's sake.

- We need to talk about it, you know.

I just need something fresh.

Obviously let's not discuss it here.

- What do you mean, something fresh?

- Don't start, you two.

Shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

- We are tellin' you to shut up.

- Then don't get involved in my business.

- I have a secret.

- Well, you'd better keep it to yourself,

otherwise it won't be one.

- Please react well.

- It's got me worried.

- I'm pregnant.

- Everyone!

Everyone, everyone.

- Charlie, Charlie, we should wait three months before we--

- My wife is pregnant!

Fantastic news!

Congratulations, guys.

Mum, dad!

- Oh, Kevin, Kevin, for goodness' sake,

she might want to tell her herself.

Does she know yet?

- No.

- How long, how long?

- Just weeks.

It's early days.

You got it in ya, Charlie.

I knew you had it in ya.

Mum, you won't believe this.

Mum!

Why?

Hello?

- Emma.

It's mum.

I thought we should try and talk, Em.

Emma?

Auntie Rowan,

come and have some spaghetti bolognese.

- Okay, there's cheese, there's Parmesan, there's cheddar.

- No one likes Parmesan, Michelle.

I don't know why you keep putting it out.

- The kids like it.

- I like it.

- Tommy likes it.

- Right!

Right, listen.

This is for Heather and Charlie's news,

and everyone else apart from Kevin.

For Heather and Charlie,

and everyone else apart from Kevin.

- Who's a disgrace.

- Who's a disgrace.

- Disgrace.

- Can I just say

that I love everyone here.

No!

- Well, I do.

I love ya.

I love you.

And I really love you.