Original subtitles

First of all, when I get broken up with, my response is like, yeah, get out of

here.

What were you doing here to begin with, buddy?

Run for your life. Take me with you. I don't want to be here.

New York City, make some noise for Jordan Jensen.

I'm having an underwear issue.

I bought... I'm trying to be less disgusting, so I bought all these,

know the underwear for women?

It's just underwear for women.

I bought that.

But they're gaslighting us on our pussy part, no?

It's getting smaller by the day.

Isn't it? It used to be big, like a fat ace bandage, and now it's little.

And then you put it on and you have to, you have to favor a labe all day.

You got to split custody. You ever do that? You get it for five more minutes,

but then you better share with your brother.

Yo, you got to share, I said.

Fair's fair.

What do women do that have had kids who, you know.

that women rip during childbirth is a jackass sketch.

The fact that your whole life, your body's like, have a baby, whore.

And then you finally do, and it's like, let's make the baby's head a little bit

bigger than their pussy. My name's Johnny Knoxville. This is the content.

That's fucked up.

Illegal.

What do men have that's bad? What do you guys have that sucks? You know what men

have that I wouldn't trade for anything? When you guys cum, your feet look

really stupid.

When a guy's like, do you want to do reverse cowgirl? You're like, do you

to do it?

Sure.

You're about to come and your toes go, sweat out, boys.

You guys should feel insecure about that.

I might have a dick in my mouth, but while I do, your feet look dumb as hell,

don't they?

These underwear suck.

It's because I'm trying to be a little bit more feminine. I pitched this hour

a different streaming platform, and they were like, we love you, we just want

you to either be gay or more feminine.

And I was like, yeah, me too.

Yes.

Sign me up.

I want to be hot. All my friends are getting hotter.

One of my friends is so hot that she can make demands of men.

Do you know about these?

She's so hot. That she can demand things. She calls it boundaries is what

calls it. She sets boundaries.

Amazing word.

She goes, I set a boundary with my boyfriend. She goes, I told him that he

to text me every night before bed. Good night, I love you. Or it's over.

And I was like, wow, what do you say to that? And she goes, now he texts me

every night before bed. Good night, I love you. And now everything's great.

And I was like, nice. If I said that to any man I've ever dated, they would be

like, oh, perfect. I was on the fence anyway. Get the fuck out of here, bitch.

I'm not setting ultimatums, okay?

Me in a relationship is not me being like, you got to do this. Me in a

relationship is me going, no, I'm not gay. Why?

also probably why i'm insecure is because everybody thinks i'm a lesbian

very annoying i'm not gonna fucking date a woman because i have three lesbian

moms and a dead dad i'm not trying to replace mommy i'm trying to replace

and when i'm with a woman i'm the daddy and i don't want to be daddy

as soon have you any time i have sex with a woman they're locked in forever

right they're like we're we're one we're a snake eating its own tail

is in there i can't back it out dude i'm like whoa what is that they're like

that's my heart you can keep it no i don't want that

i

went i went and got wax to try and be more feminine i was like i'll get wax

that'll make me less dykey because everything i fucking do everybody goes

a big dyke i wore a watch the other day nine strangers dyke i was like i have to

know the time i have to know what time it is

tattoo of a penis and i go oh it's kind of good i know what time it is now and

then i went in to get

waxed i'll tell you i went in to get waxed i go in first of all the reason

went in is because when we shave we are traumatizing ourselves in the shower

because of the position we have to get into okay men you think we're in there

like this you think we're like this i'm just

It's not one foot up. It's two feet flat.

Ten foot.

It's bad, dude.

My ass.

My ass.

Brutal, dude.

And then you have to squinch over.

You get all these rolls, these belly rolls, and the water goes over the

making it look like a Frank Lloyd Wright house. You know what I mean?

You're like, oh, good. I've made an architectural anomaly.

And then you get the tits, dude. That's the worst because you have to roll the

shoulders to get under.

So you roll the shoulders. We get those fucking long boys.

Oh, foghorn longhorn.

Why do they get so drip? Why are they drippy, drippy sandcastles? Why do they

look like lava lamps?

Why do they look like they're going to drip off my body?

They're like paddles. It looks like if you got them going, they would clack for

eternity like Newton's crate.

this too you have to pull this back to get the good shave you gotta pull this

back like you're fucking putting eye drops into a shaggy dog's eyeball look

at me look up at me i'm helping you is why

so i went i went in and i got

waxed

I hate when comics tell a joke and then while people are laughing, they take a

sip. It's very self -aggrandizing to me.

Like while you guys are laughing, they're like, yeah.

But I went in and I got waxed.

Here's the deal. I went in and first of all, she said, take your pants and

underwear off. And then she did not leave the room.

I was like, are you going to stay?

She's like, do you want me to leave? I was like, no.

And then I, here's the deal. I took my pants off. It was underwear time. Okay.

We don't know what's on our underwear at any given time of day.

We don't know what level of discharge you guys thought I was going to say the

word it's discharge and it's fucking disgusting.

Don't cheer for it. It's the grossest. That's also why I don't date women,

I'm not... If a guy goes down on me and his face is wet, I go...

You better wipe quick. You better come up and wipe quick.

Sometimes I get homophobic. They'll come up and I'm like, were you sucking a

dick down there? No.

They're like, I was literally going down on your female genitalia. I'm like, you

were sucking a dick.

So she was like, you know, she was like, take your underwear off. And you know,

some days, some days you take it off. There's nothing on there. And you go,

I should have nine boyfriends. Okay.

Other days you take it off and you're like, I, I have to go right to jail.

So what I did was I took it. I, I did it. I,

Here's what I, I'm just going to tell you what I did.

She's standing there, dude. She's standing there. So what I do is I

grabbed the pussy part.

I grabbed the pussy part.

And then I kind of, and then I kind of wiped with it.

I did. I kind of wiped with it. And then she's like watching. And then I started

pulling it down like this.

And she's like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, totally.

Isn't that how you take your underwear? That's how I take my underwear off. You

don't do that?

I take it off like that, and then I throw it right in the trash. Weird if

don't. It's actually weird if you don't do that.

So then the waxing lady goes, do you want me to remove everything?

And I'm afraid of bald vaginas, not in like a philosophical sense, but in like

literal sense.

They just frighten me, dude. Like when one of my friends is like changing or

peeing or something and she pulls her pants and underwear down and there's a

bald vagina, it looks like, it looks like, it looks like if, it looks like a

betrayal. It looks like if you walked up behind somebody that you thought you

knew.

And you're like, oh, it's Jason, look.

And you saw him from the back and you're like, 100 % Jason.

And you spun him around and then his face just had no facial features.

Right. It looks like Neo's mouth in the matrix. He's like, I don't like that.

She was like, okay, well, what do you want then?

And I was like, I would just like a, um, uh, like what I should have said is a

bikini wax. That's what I want to just that my shit with no beard. Right.

So I was like, oh, I'll take, I was like, I just want the, um, triangle.

And she's like, oh, triangle, no problem. And I was like, oh, thank you

And she's like, I love you. And I was like, I love you too. And then I laid

down.

And it all happened very fast.

It didn't hurt very much.

Because I guess I asked her, she said women have three times higher of a pain

tolerance than men. Did you guys know that?

Isn't that crazy? Men don't get their balls waxed very often, but women do it

all the time.

I asked her about that. I asked a massage. I got a massage recently and I

like, is that true? Or women have a higher pain tolerance? And she goes,

women want me to get a running start and drop a knee on them.

She was like, men come in and they're like, two kisses and a hand job.

And then, so she goes, she goes, your triangle's all done.

And I look up, bro, what she gave me legally is a triangle.

It is.

OK, look, this is what I thought it was going to be. OK, this is what I thought

it was going to be.

I'll show you.

That's what I was expecting.

Right. Just my shit.

Classic.

High and tight. Right.

What she gave me.

What she gave me.

I'll show you, I'll do an actual.

So fucked up. It's like that.

It's like that.

It's like that. It is tiny and it is low.

It is oddly low down. Like at least make it centered so it's like, oh, follow

the weird arrow to the clitoris.

It's, oh, the clitoris. It's right there. It's wearing a little tiny hat.

No, it's a British soldier. You got it.

It looks like Guy Fieri. It looks like a soul patch.

It looks like a soul patch. It looks like I'm waiting to do a bit where a guy

goes down on me and I go, welcome to Flavor Time.

And I was like, what the fuck? What am I? I'm fucking I'm ripping my pubic hair

out to be more feminine.

So man will want to have sex with me. I don't even like sex that much. I'll say

I don't like it that much.

I'm not very good at it.

I'm having a hard time making men ejaculate semen out of their cock.

I thought, I was worried that I had a giant vagina.

I was worried I had a giant vagina.

And I went into the doctor. I wasn't like, check my giant vagina.

I did not do that. I had a lump in my vagina.

Don't say ew.

Did you say ew?

Are you fucking kidding me?

That's crazy. And it wasn't a man's voice. It was a man's voice that would

accepted it. It was a woman's voice.

Okay, I didn't say it was a zit. Okay, which would still, you should accept my

vagina for who it is and how it is and what it decides to do with its life.

But mine had a, it was a lump. Okay.

Bitch.

That's scary. Men, if you have to have sex with that lady, that's horrifying.

You have to pull your subpar penis out and just, ow.

I will never do that to you, just so you know. I'll go like this.

So I went into the doctor. I had a lump in my vagina.

And it was a gland that I was

tugging and pulling at. And she's like, you got to stop tugging and pulling at

this. And I was like, you got to take my fingers off then.

You got to take both my hands, please.

But she had the curling iron in there.

I hate that thing.

Why is it so dry? It pulls your outer labia in.

Like a witch's finger. Or they over lube it. You ever get the cool doctor who's

like, no, don't worry, I got you.

And all day you're just squeaking that shit out.

At five o 'clock you cough and you're like, oh, that was from earlier.

But I asked her when she had that spectrum in there, I was like, is that

regular size?

And she was like, yeah. And I was like, nice.

What's happening with men is you'll be having sex with them, right? I think I'm

on a lot of Prozac also, so I can't. I'm over it pretty quickly, right?

It works.

Remember in your 20s when they would just come quick and then you'd collect

their soul like David Bowie in the labyrinth?

Now you've got to do a whole fucking thing. You've got to do a whole song and

dance because they've chafed their cocks.

You know what I mean? They have a wizened cock, if you will.

i'll just hop off it i'll just be like dude i gotta i gotta expedite this shit

right you ever do that we have to make you come we have to because if we don't

the next day we'll look in the mirror and go you're fat you're a fat ugly

you're a fat ugly bitch sometimes you guys don't even want to come you're like

i'm good and we're like oh this is for me sit down

And what I'll do, you guys have done this, where you switch over to the hand

job. You're like, I'll fucking knock this out quick, dude.

I'll knock this out. We've been jerking dudes off since we were, you know,

whatever age makes you feel comfortable.

And then you start doing that, right? And you're like, this is good. I'm doing

good job. You can see the toes. Yeah.

Right?

And then you go, okay.

And then you go, even this, my arm's getting a little tired, dude. You better

fucking go over the edge here, man.

And then you ever do this where you get so tired that you hand off the cock to

him? You ever do that?

You try and be hot. You try and be like, I want to see you.

I don't want to see you. You're not. You're really like, you take over,

professor.

Show me the way, sensei.

And then you watch him and you're like, I've made a critical folly.

Because you guys fucking get after that thing.

And we're watching you. We're like, don't do it.

Let him live.

You guys fucking... Why wouldn't you warn me while I'm jerking you off? Why

wouldn't you be like, hey, you don't stand a chance.

You don't have nearly the torque.

You can try jerking me off, but you're going to need welding goggles, a panini

press.

Because you do whatever you've been doing since you were 13 right in front

us. We hide that shit. You're like, thanks, I got it from here. I like to

and snap and bend and rip.

Scary stuff.

That's porn, though. Porn is doing that, right? You guys are watching too much

porn? Nobody admits to it.

I hate porn. I'm against porn. I'm not against porn, but it makes me feel bad

about my body and face and hands.

I watch, I jerk off to weird things like George W. Bush.

The press conference where they whip the shoe at him and he slips it like a

boxer. Fuck.

Remember that? Dude, Google that the second you leave here. They whip the

at him. He slips it like a boxer and then starts getting fucking amped, dude.

And his security guard runs in and he goes, no, no, no, no, no. And he slips

other one. I jerk off to that twice a week.

I don't jerk off to politics now. What would I jerk off to?

Elon?

Dude, I thought Elon was done.

I thought Elon was done when he threw up the salute.

sure of that i was like oh we're never gonna see him again but then people were

defending him like my mom's defending him which is kind of crazy which is

because they have their pubic hair like macro made into a mural that says not

our president you know but they were like he has asperger's

and i was like yeah i know that's why i'm upset

I'm upset that we put a man into the public eye that's going to get so

that he's going to geek out and throw up a hate sign.

That's wild.

Remember in high school when there was that one autistic kid and your teacher

was like, now we're going to watch Billy give his presentation.

And we'd all be like, must we?

And poor Billy would just get to the front of the class and just.

And you'd be like, yeah, he's got to go to a different school, dude. This is not

safe. It's not safe for him.

It's not safe for us. He throws the basketball too hard.

I looked up porn the other day because, I looked up porn because, you know, I

got to see what I, I got to keep up.

I got to keep up.

It was, it's changed. Porn has changed.

Like when I watched it, I probably looked in on it like a year ago.

right and it was like you know fuck me that bro right and now

which is fine at least they're like talking like they were having a

there was a back and forth and now it's like i watched it and like all the ones

i could find it had changed to this like a lot it was like you know what i mean

it was like electrocuted baby you know my theory is you want to hear my theory

think it's i think it's lip fillers

They sound different. I was at the gym and I saw a girl working out and she

these weights and she was going like this.

And it fucked me up. I was like, I'm going to fight this bitch. I was like, I

have to kill her.

She can't do this to my gender. You know what I mean? This is not good.

And then I watched her long enough that I realized that that was how her air was

escaping her body because the lip fillers was making the hole smaller.

Like she had whittled herself into an oboe. Like if you push air through an

oboe, it's going to make an oboe.

It's going to... That's why porn stars sound like that. That's why porn stars

go... You know what I mean? They can't... If I open my mouth during sex,

Right?

I can go, let's get after it, boy!

I can go like that.

But you got... They can't do that.

That's all they can do. They might not even be enjoying it. They might be

I don't want to do this anymore.

You're not allowed to say that about porn stars.

They love their jobs.

They love being there. They chose it. It's where they want to be.

And you turn it on, it's a girl just crying on a couch. You're like, no,

an artist. She really likes that.

I watched an interview with a porn star and it fucked my ass up, dude.

She had fake tits.

The fake tits scare me. They were huge, dude. You know what they're, you know

what they reminded me of when I saw them? I guess people are into this. They

look like, they look like, um, remember those bouncy balls at Walmart?

Okay. Hear me out. They're in the cages.

Yes, dude. Yes. Those were sick. You'd pop one out and your parents from so far

away would be like, no.

And you'd be like, I'm just gonna.

I love those. And then you'd have to return it back to the cage and it'd roll

towards you and you'd go, I miss you too.

We had one of those. Actually, I had one of those at my school. I went to like a

small school for fucked up children.

And I had one of those bouncy balls. Like the teacher gave it to me to deal

ADHD.

And we were putting on a play and we were like going, we were losing our

that day. We were like terrorizing the teacher.

And then the black kid in the play said the N word.

And the teacher went, don't ever.

Right? And we all looked at the black kid like, what? And he went, it's go

And then we all started yelling it.

We didn't know what it meant. We just knew it was making her want to kill

herself.

She was losing her mind. She lines us all up on the edge of the stage. And I

have that bouncy ball, right?

She's screaming at us. It's still like, I'm bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,

bounce, bounce. And she's like, you're the worst group of kids I ever worked

with in my goddamn life.

I never did it. And I was bounce, bounce, bounce.

And then she goes, Jordan Jensen.

And I held the ball and she goes, if you bounce that ball one more time, this

entire production is canceled.

And all the kids like looked down the line at me like, and I looked at her and

went, bounce.

Kids were ripping their shirts off.

A bow and arrow came out at one point.

Maybe a stage dive. It was like, it was the best day of my life. It was the best

day of my life.

Anyway, her tits looked like that.

Nice. Cool.

I'm glad we made it back.

I'm glad we made it back. If I make it back around, I don't have to take

Adderall. Okay?

And she was doing this interview, and she said something that made me realize

I'm severely mentally ill.

The interviewer asked her something about her boob job. Like, you know, she

something like, why'd you go so Megatron with your make and model? It was more

respectful than that, right?

And this is what she said. She goes, oh, this is what I've always felt I looked

like on the inside.

If I, if I went to a doctor and I said, doctor, make

me look how I feel.

The monster that would exit that facility.

The creature that would... How I feel on the inside is hostile,

is yucky, disgusting.

I don't even know if I would leave as one woman. You know what I mean? I might

leave as many disgusting, bad, dirty men. You know what I would leave as? I

would leave as fucking Hamas. It would be Hamas.

It would. It would be Hamas or ISIS.

It would be six dudes in the back of a dilapidated Toyota pickup with AK -47s.

The doctors would be like, what have we done?

And I'd be like, you did a good job is what you did, doctor.

I feel actualized as a woman.

That's what would happen.

I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to hate myself.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of fucking, I'm tired of thinking sex is like going

to cure my, you know, if I fuck enough dudes, I'll like myself.

I've just, it's enough.

I'm out of the game, dude. Remember having sex and your vagina was jacked

And you're like, I'm not letting anybody in there.

She's hurting.

Nobody's welcome.

And then one guy was like, can I have sex in there? And you're like, yeah, go

right in.

Remember that? You didn't let them eat you out or go down on you so you weren't

lubed up. You're just like, just push it in. It'll wet its own whistle.

Just pump for oil. It'll get there.

They loved it, dude. They're like, oh, you're so tight. And you're like,

It's inflammation. Thank you so much.

guys know about that right one time i was having sex with dude

and we were doing it like that right and uh me and him we i was in love with him

we both had vasovagal which is where we both faint at blood and we were doing

like that we were doing the dry rub and the side of my vagina got cut

And he must have felt like I didn't I didn't feel anything because it was all

pain. And I didn't and I didn't see anything because I was searching his

for love and commitment.

But he must have felt like a change in viscosity because he pulled down. He

goes, are you on your period?

And I go, no. Why? And then he goes, I'm so sorry. I can't help you. And faints

on my body right down, right down.

And then I was like, what's going on? So then I lifted up his hips. I saw the

blood and then I passed out.

And like, usually what happens when you faint is you faint, you get oxygen and

you leave. Right. But we were stuck together.

So we were just fainting, waking up, looking at each other, seeing the blood.

We

would

look at each other like we have to break the cycle.

got to get us out of this.

I did it. I got us out of it. I pushed him off me. I shoved him off me onto the

floor and I started army crawling to my mom's bedroom.

Dude, my, I was like naked, not naked. I never fucked naked. So probably t

-shirt, no pants or underwear, poo bear.

Right. And I was poo bearing to my mom's bedroom,

just screaming.

And I get to my mom's room and the door was locked because she was always, you

know, always locked in with this bitch.

And she's a good mom. She just is an asshole. She doesn't know that she's an

asshole. She's doing her best.

So I knock on the door and I go, mom.

And she goes, what?

And I go, my vagina is bleeding everywhere. I cut the inside of it.

It's bleeding. I keep fainting. She interrupts me and goes, it's just like

inside of your mouth. It'll heal quick.

about that every day why why why what a

few questions just a couple actually why did she have the information so readily

available that's a big question my biggest question is why was she standing

close to the door anyway now i'm like okay let's not use sex to deal with

insecurity let's fucking figure out what it is on the inside okay

And I think a big part of it is I think if you grow up poor, you're inherently

insecure because you see too much shit. Like if you grow up trash, you see

gnarly shit that you have to tell people. You have to be, you know, you

have to, but you kind of have to, right?

At some point it comes out. Somebody says, I love you. And you go, you don't

love me. I know a guy who fucked a cat.

You can't love me.

You haven't seen what I've seen. We see too much. We hear too much. We hear a

lot of adults having sex.

A lot. If you grew up poor, you overheard adults having sex and you

realize it until you got into high school. And some kid at some point goes,

ever heard my parents having sex, I'd kill myself.

And you go, yeah, I want to die every day. Yeah.

It's sex all the time. And it fucks you up as a kid if everybody's being, and I

don't know what it is. I don't know if it's that the houses are smaller or the

parents are younger when they're poor or like the insulation in the walls, the R

value has been reduced by.

Cat piss and cigarette smoke? I don't know.

But I know it's a common thing.

My dad would fuck all the... It's called covert incest when you fuck around your

kids. It's called covert incest, which sounds extreme.

Doesn't it?

Covert incest sounds like if there were three brothers stacked up in a trench

coat.

And they all raped you.

But covert incest, I was watching Law & Order SVU, and...

I'd show ribs, dude.

How is it legal for us to watch that?

You're like, this guy fucked this woman's eye holes. You're like, surely

won't show it. Oh my God!

I was watching it, and they were like, oh, this victim is a, you know, she grew

up with covert incest. And I was like, argh!

And they're like, that's when one of your parents is being too sexual around

as a child. Not sexual at you, just around you. They're having sex around

And what it does is as an adult, you end up using sex to deal with complex

emotions. And I got so overwhelmed by the TV diagnosing me that I shut it off

and I masturbated immediately.

It was only afterwards that I was like, ooh, another case closed.

Stabler and Olivia, you are good.

It happened a lot. My dad would have sex. My dad was upset that my mom was a

lesbian, which is crazy because he met her coaching her rugby team.

So then he was always trying to beat her body count, right? So he was always

fucking these women, right? And I didn't know my dad. My mom's was the safe

space, right? And then I would get dropped off there. And there was just

young, tan carpenter fucking these super hot women, right? And I was not hot. I

was a morbidly obese small goth, okay?

I was a little jealous of those women. I'm not saying I wanted to fuck my dad,

but I'm saying like, I want to fuck my dad.

Okay?

I would never say I want to have sex with my dad, but I would say, I

was slightly attracted. Maybe you guys had ugly dads.

I had a hot dad.

I had a fucking hot dad who was a cowboy and a carpenter. Try not being

attracted to your dad when he's a ripped -ass tan guy going up to an unbroken

thoroughbred, petting it, going, settle, girl.

Settle.

He was hot, dude. And he was mean, which is hot.

I remember going up to him as a child and brushing his hair with a comb and

going, cut it out.

And I was like, no.

And then I brushed and he goes, cut it out.

And I went, no.

And I brushed it again. He grabbed me, whipped me over onto his lap, and then

threw me onto the floor. And even as like a five -year -old, I was like, ooh,

that's going to leave a lasting impression.

Ooh, I'm going to have to reenact that with a man who's toxic.

He would fuck all the time. He'd fuck these hot

women. Which, God, these poor women.

Imagine like going. over to a man's house and having sex with him and you

he has like some weird goth child running around somewhere but you're not

where she's at and then you just open the door after sleeping with him and

there's just me standing there with a hello kitty shirt just a sixth grader

pounds it's time for you to go home now

you've had enough alone time with daddy

Every time I talk about this, there's always one person in the audience that

goes, Jesus.

One time he was fucking this. We went on this camping trip and he was fucking

this woman in a tent and she was like obscene. It was like noon. She was

squealing. She was like, you know, fuck me, Jordan, that or whatever.

Or whatever the fuck.

had ocd at the time you get ocd also if you if you come from a normal household

your parents tell you how to stay alive they go water bread or whatever i didn't

that my parents were like i'm gonna leave for four days here's a blowtorch

fuck yourself right so you develop childlike rules right you're like okay

about this on the top of every hour i'm gonna tap my asshole 19 times on the off

chance that keeps me alive one two three four five six right and then the next

day you wake up and you're still alive so you're like better get to tap it

I had really bad OCD at the time. I had OCD where when I pooped, I would have to

wipe 111 times, okay?

Sure, I bled. Sure.

Sure, I still have that same exact OCD thing. Yeah.

Clogged a lot of toilets. Sucks clogging a toilet when you're fat. Let me tell

you that.

Everybody thinks you're clogging a toilet because your poop's fat because

fat, but our butthole's the same size as everybody else's butthole.

You come out and you go, I clogged the toilet. And they go, I know, look at

Anyway, I had to shit on this camping trip. I was probably 10.

I went up to the tent and I go, Dad, I gotta poop.

And he said, well, I gotta cum, so get out of here.

So then I devised this plan where I was like, here's what I'm gonna do.

I can swim.

So I was like, I'm gonna swim deep and then I'm gonna shit in the lake.

The poop's going to go down.

I'm going to get out cleaner than before I got in.

The only downside to this is I might become too addicted to this method.

That is a risk I'm willing to take.

I started pooping, and I had this thought. I was looking up at the clouds.

remember this very well, and I was like, dude, this is a big step.

You?

are only like 10 years old you're really fat you have really bad ocd and you you

managed to find a solution to this problem without any adult and that's

self -soothing and things might be all right for you and then i turned and the

poop was floating right in my face as if it was looking at me being like hell

yeah brother i mean up top really good

And I was like, okay, I was on the shore.

Here's the thing. I know it's grim. I know it's grim.

I know you're worried about me. But every sad thing that happens, there's a

really positive.

I'm coping, sure.

Sure. But every negative, there is a positive. And there was a beautiful

that happened where I was on the shore. I was shaking gray. I was like, I have

to kill myself tonight.

And I watched the poop float towards the campsite, and I was like, oh, my God,

my dad's going to find my poop. My boyfriend's going to find my poop. My

boyfriend's going to find my poop.

And I watched the tent unzip, and out emerged his

naked whore, and she had to rinse my father's cum off her body. Where did she

it? Right in my poop water.

Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go.

That's gone.

That's God being like, this is going to be a really bad life, but here's one

from your boy, okay?

Never say I didn't do anything for you.

I think the fat thing also fucked up my self -esteem.

I was fat. I got fat because I got stuck in the milk cereal paradox.

You guys know what that is?

It's brutal, dude.

I got fat. I had to hide to eat, right?

Because you're fat. And when you eat when you're fat, people go, why are you

eating if you're fat? And you go, dude, I'm hungry. And they go, no way. And you

go, I'm serious.

It's crazy.

I really am.

I also hate to eat because I had to drown out the sounds of my father

on me.

There's only one more fucking my dad joke in this whole thing.

I know if there's one person in here who's like, if there's one more fucking

dad joke, I'm out of here. You should go because there is.

There's one more.

So the milk cereal paradox is where you put the cereal in the bowl. You put the

milk in the bowl. You eat the cereal. There's milk left, right? So you got to

add cereal.

But then it's a little too dry. So you got to add milk, right?

And then you got to add more cereal because there's milk left. Look at that.

And then it's a little too dry. She has a little milk on top of that. And you

get stuck in this transcendental.

You gotta have the cereal and the bowl and the milk and the bowl and the

The TV's on. It's fully dissociating.

Cereal and the bowl and the milk and the bowl and the cereal and the... And then

you get type today bits.

I did have type 2 diabetes. I got rid of it by sucking cock.

You tried that?

Sucked a lot of cock.

Replace food addiction with sex addiction.

Works every time. Works. Same.

Some kid came over to the farm and was like, you want to put my penis in there?

And I was like, yep, I put everything in there.

Toss it back.

And then I was worried that I was doing a bad job.

I was worried that I was blowing him wrong, right?

And, and as I had that thought, he looked down at me and I look up at him

goes, Hey. And I was like, Oh, you know, I was like, Oh, right.

And he was like, and he goes, you're doing a really good job.

And serotonin flooded my brain. I was like, I never have to eat again.

It really, I found out recently that this is an eating disorder. A woman

confronted me after a show. She was, she was mad about it. She came up to me and

she's like, here's the, here's the deal. I'm very obsessed with animal facts.

Okay. Like, the one I'm obsessed with right now is, did you know that otters

have a little pocket?

Did you guys know that? Where they keep a rock?

Why didn't I know it my whole life?

Listen to me. They have a little pocket in their fur where they keep their

favorite rock.

And they take it out to open oysters. And where do they put it? Back in their

pocket.

and wanted to kill myself, how come there was like, the therapist was like,

we're going to give you 100 ,000 milligrams of lithium and you won't be

feel your hands.

Why weren't they like, hey, I know life is bad, but otters have a little rock

pocket. I would have lived another day.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, the animal fact that I was obsessed with at the time that this

confronted me was that I thought that there were like two different types of

pigs. I thought that there were like boars and pigs.

But it turns out if you have an inside pig and you let it outside into the

woods, it'll go from being a soft little babe pig, a little pink pig, a little

pig pig, and it'll turn into a strong pig.

Do you know this? It'll get thick tusks and long hair and thick skin, and you

won't even recognize your pig. You might recognize it because you have a special

connection. And then you let it out, it'll be an outdoor pig, right?

I viewed this as self -help. I was like, yes, I'm a pig. I can go from inside

pig to outside pig in two days. Watch me.

And then this woman came up to me after the show, and she was like, I'm so glad

that you brought up anorexia.

And I was like, did I?

And she was like, I'm currently in recovery for it right now. See?

And she put her arm out, and she had thick black arm hair. And I was like,

is that?

And she was like, that's what happens when you lose too much weight, is your

body starts producing thick hair to protect itself from the cold.

And I went, you're a pig!

And she was like, what did you just say? And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. I apologize. You are not, you're not like a, you're not

like a pig pig. You're like, you're a pig on the loose. If anything, you're an

outside pig.

Do you want to buy a poster?

I'm so bad.

Anyway, I lost all this weight sucking cack.

I was sucking a lot of cock. I stopped being goth. I stopped being goth because

a cool black kid walked by me in school and went, and I said, get it off. It's

over. You're right.

Very important for black people to keep white people in check. We get weird,

dude.

White people get scary.

White dude hitting on you? Way more scary than a black dude catcalling you.

notice that? We give black dudes a bad rap for catcalling. Way less scary.

dude catcalling you is like this. Hey!

And you go, what?

And they go, you wanna fuck?

And you go, no!

And they go, okay, that's it.

It's over. They walk away, right? And you walk away being so mad. You're like,

how dare he? White dudes, when they hit on you, they, first of all, they never

say they want sex, even though you can hear their balls brimming, brimming

you hear, you're like, what is that? Is that a dog whistle? What is that? You

can see cum in their waterline.

They always come up way too close.

Ask you something terrifying. What album would you take to a desert island?

Anyway, but I lost a bunch of weight because of the cack.

And I lost a bunch of weight really quickly because I just, you know,

blowing dudes instead of eating.

And then what happened was I got a lot of loose skin on my belly.

Loose. And it would get stuck in my zipper.

Picture it.

Yes.

It was gross, dude. I mean, it's fine. Bodies are bodies. Who the fuck cares?

problem with it was when I was on my hands and knees taking all that cock, it

would hang low.

Low.

Like a dorsal fin.

And that's also fine. Who gives a fuck? But mine would make a fucking sound.

So, how do I say this?

That dad ass would clap.

But then that flap would slap.

Creating a speed bag scenario.

They would want to keep it on tempo.

We both want it to stay on tempo. We want a buck a chicky, buck a chicky,

chicky, buck a chicky.

But sometimes it would get off tempo and that's awkward. So we'd have to work

together to be like, one, two, three, buck a chicky, buck a chicky, buck a

chicky. Yeah, dude, we got it.

So I got plastic surgery. I got it cut off. I did it. I'm one of these girls

got plastic surgery. Did not change anything. Did not. I thought it was

take away all my insecurities. Zero. I should have kept it. Why?

Because I could have made a little rock pocket out of it.

Oh, could you imagine?

I could have kept a rock in my little skin pocket.

a lot like i've thought about it i've cut my skin off i removed my fucking

hair so that i can meet a man right there's so much pressure i'm 33 so much

pressure all these people trying to solve your problem my poor mothers my

mothers love me but they want to they're like just be gay just be gay baby girl

why are you doing this to yourself right but their whole thing is like my

masculinity does get in the way it does even my body my hand look how big my

hands are dude these things around a cock it dwarfs it let me see your penis

It gets little, dude. It's like you're on, it's really intense.

But their whole thing is like, if you're gay, you can escape heteronormativity.

You don't have to deal with the man -woman dynamic.

And I'm like, is that true? Because it seems like lesbians have a pretty

heteronormative dynamic.

Every lesbian couple I know, there's a man and a woman, dude.

One of my moms is a lipstick lesbian. She carries around the fucking, she's a

hairstylist. She has the bag that has no strap. What's that called? Snatch?

Clutch?

Clutches in a car, whatever.

She has, she does the long eyelash extent. She does the long nails, right?

did we decide as a gender that elongating the dead parts of our body is

makes somebody beautiful?

Where was I? And we're like, you know, it's really elegant. It's fucking crazy,

dude. Why do we have to immobilize ourselves more? My friends with these

are like, can you put the water in my body? I can't, I can no longer operate

motor skills.

Please help.

And then my other mom is a CrossFit instructor.

She looks like a French bulldog.

She wears a bolo on special occasions. I'm like, yeah, you're a man, Donna.

You're a man and a woman in a heteronormative relationship.

You know what I mean? They look normal. I shouldn't say normal. They look like

one of God's children.

If God saw them, he would be like, go right in. I feel more queer than them.

this fucking pseudo -lesbian fucking all these little NPR beta cucks.

Strapping all these little dorks to the back of my motorcycle being like, wrap

your legs around me, little buddy.

And they're like, okay, boy, is my laptop bag going to be okay?

Because my laptop's in it.

I'm sick of it.

And then my other mom, you know, my biological mom, she doesn't care.

She just is, she wants me to find somebody. I don't even know if she does.

just says shit.

that's mean on accident. Like I bought a house upstate, right?

Not upstate, not like upstate, but like upstate, you know?

Like, you know, paintball upstate.

And I was like, I was in the house and it needs a lot of work and I was crying

because me and my dad used to do carpentry together. It needs a lot of

he's dead, right? And also when you buy a house, you want to fuck your dad in

it, right?

That's number three.

That's number three. That's the last one.

But she comes up behind me. I'm crying about my dad. And she comes up and she

starts hugging me. And she goes, I know why you're crying.

And I said, you do? You know why I'm crying? And she goes, yeah, you're

because you thought by this age you'd be buying a house while married to a man.

And I was like, I was not thinking that at all.

And she goes, well, it's something to think about. And just scared off.

And I get it. I get it. You want to be in a partnership. If you want to have

kids, I don't know if I want to have kids. Having kids is a little fucked up.

Here's the deal. If I don't have kids, here's what I'm worried about. Being a

woman is a bad, it's a bad gig.

Okay. We're, we have a bad, we're having a bad time. Okay.

It's rough. It's hilariously bad.

And if you have a kid, all of those things that make it bad, right? Your,

cycle, your tits, your weird, dumb tits.

All of this become utilized when you have a kid, right? So I'm worried if I

don't have a kid, my life will just be a man having a really bad time.

That make sense?

That's what I'm worried about.

Because when you have a kid, all of a sudden your whole body gets utilized and

men become completely irrelevant, right?

Which is, dude, I went over to my friend's house. She just had a baby,

She, dude, it was fucked up.

She looked fucked up.

Have you seen one of these ladies? She was still pregnant.

I was like, why are you, the baby was out. I was like, why are you still,

in there?

And she's like, I don't know.

She was hooked up to these milk pumps. Have you seen these things?

Have you seen these things? Why are they see -through? Riddle me that.

Her tits, her big tits were in the cones and it was making this like hypnotic.

Sci -fi matrix.

It was like that.

And her nipples were going in the things. And they're big.

They're like cocks.

And then big cocks.

Why do the nipples get so... And the milk was coming out. And I'm like, come

of the cocks. It was so gross.

And I was like really overwhelmed. And I was like, why are you pumping?

And she was like, I'm an overproducer. And I was like, never say that again.

And I was like, and then she like, she took her nipple out and she was putting

it in the baby's mouth.

And you watch the mom just dissociate, just like, that's a good latch.

And I was like, why are you breastfeeding? And she was like, I have

breastfeed because the baby might have bacteria in its mouth and my nipple will

know to produce an enzyme.

that cures that bacteria.

I was like, what did you just say to me?

What are you talking about? Your nipple is like, I got this. I got it. No, I'm

out of here right now.

What? Who knows? Your nipple knows?

And then I turn and her fucking where's Waldo ass husband is in the kitchen

like, you guys want pizza?

have to go through all the biology, right? We still have to fucking pump out

kid and hook it up to our fucking system. But man, you don't have to hunt

kill and bring it back. You just have to, no, I downloaded the Uber Eats app.

took a minute to load, but I got it.

That's fucking insane, dude. I looked this up. I started getting obsessed with

this. I was like, why do women have to have such a bad time giving birth? It

seems like the one thing that should, right?

I started looking up other animals who give birth. I looked up chimp.

Because they look like us? I was like, bro, they're throwing elbows. They're

ripping, dude. They're ripping like we rip.

I was expecting the video.

I looked up female chimp giving birth.

You don't have to look up female.

You can just type chimp giving birth.

I didn't want to see a boy doing it.

That's stupid that I did that.

But I saw what I... expected the video to be was like was you know i expected

be like lady monkey on her back feet up you know with the with the thumb toes

and and maybe she's doing the breathing that her other

lady friends are around her her monkey friends smacking the ground being like

you know didn't you

picture that that's not what it is the video you can look it up it's a lady

monkey just walking around just Doing like monkey shit. She's like.

And then at one point she starts like poking at her pussy.

She's like. And then she just looked down.

She grabs the fucking baby's head. Rips it out.

Puts it on the ground. And it just gets up and gets a job.

It's just a whole monkey.

It's a whole fucking thing. It's like I'm going to go get us food. That was

crazy. You did great. I'll get us pizza. I'll get pizza.

That's fucked up.

I've thought about this a lot.

And my issue is, women should not have to be the more feminine gender.

We're more diesel. We do a lot more.

Right?

If you try and pop a zit on a man's back, if you pop a zit on our back,

like, lean into it.

And it's fucked me up for a long time, right? I'm like, why do I have to do it?

Why do I have to pull my vagina hair out? Why do I have to be hot? Why do I

to do these things? And I realized, because I used to be like, it's the

patriarchy. It's women are dumb, right? I went through all these phases and I

realized what it is, is that in society you want to have like a unified sense of

self. And men, you guys naturally have that. You wake up every day the same

person, right? You wake up, you go wallet in the back, left keys in the

said i was like that so much but we're not like that you know what i mean we

we're a very we have multiple people living in us throughout the month we

many different creatures and we can't say that we can't be like hey will you

love me forever i don't know who i'm gonna be tomorrow so instead we go no

at the tits see my fake tits see my big tits yeah same person with the big tits

right or we put makeup on like we try and create a cohesive sense of self we

have like we're we have like four different creatures

That I've counted. We have the premenstrual girl. Okay. Fat Beatrice. I

talk about her too long because people do get weird. But what I will say is

you're in PMS, you don't know what it's like to not be her. Right. And when

you're out of it, you don't remember what it's like to be in it, which feels

similar to an acid trip. Honestly, you know, when you're on acid and you're

like, I'm always going to be like this forever. I'm stuck like this. And then

you get out of it and you're like, who the fuck was that demon?

That's what it's like. Right. When men are like, she'd be tripping. We

do be tripping. Okay.

We look in the mirror, we don't recognize ourselves.

We see a big fat, we're like, when did I become a waterbed with a little frowny

face drawn on it? You know?

It sucks, dude. And then you're just praying the whole time. You're like,

let me get out of this hell vortex.

And then you finally get out of it, right? You're like, please, the darkness

too dark. Let me bleed. And then you become a different creature. That's not

you. That's Rasputin, dude.

She's fucked up. She's my favorite, honestly.

Because she's fucking, she's ravenous. She's like raw.

And she's dying from blood loss. It's crazy.

I mean, there's women in this room right now that are pumping blood out of their

pussies right now.

They don't want to be here. They want to be in a field taking down a deer,

sucking its blood for iron.

They don't want to be here. But they agreed to go. They went, I bought the

tickets, so why wouldn't I want to go? If I'm the same exact person, why

wouldn't I want to go?

Maybe they went to the bathroom. Maybe they wiped and then they got blood down

their arm. We've all done that. Wipe it off with toilet paper. Roll the toilet

paper up. Make a bump of clot.

Right?

Tuck that right between the labia. Walk out. And people are like, how are you?

And you're like, I'm doing really well, actually.

No, I'm doing really well.

Love comedy. I love comedy.

Love to laugh. Every time you laugh, your tampon is coming out a little bit

more.

Brutal.

That's weird. Every time a woman leaves the bathroom.

bleeding out of her vagina. She should walk out going blood in the hole. It

should not be.

And then after you get your period, that's my least favorite week. It's the

week, but it's the worst week because that's when you become the liar.

That's Gwen.

Gwen, after you get your period, you lose all the water weight, right? You

hot. You start working out again.

You start, you start making promises you can't keep. I'm never going to be like

that. You talk to your boyfriend, you lie to him. I'm never going to be like

that again. That was crazy.

No, I'm not going to send text messages like that.

I'm not going to binge eat like that. We're going to have celery shakes. And

then like clockwork every month.

Giant bag of shredded cheese.

Naked. 4 a .m.

Fridge wide open.

Getting shredded cheese in your pubes. You don't care.

You don't care.

Judging your friends save the dates. You're like, she's a whore. He's fat.

going to last.

there's like a couple days where you feel like yourself but you can't get you

know attached to that version of you because the darkness is always ascending

and men you guys are different you guys are i'm brian every day and that's

awesome i do respect that about you that's why i date you when women

the only things we talk about are what fucked up psychological tribe we're

trying to escape right we're like do you ever think i'll stop being an anxiously

attached emtj mercury gemini sourdough rising or whatever the fuck

When you talk to men, they're like, hey, you ever happen to see a possum hustle?

I'm like, no, dude.

You looking at one? Yeah, these fuckers can go.

That's great. I love that. That's refreshing.

But you should like about us that we're a multidimensional, many -faceted

creature, right?

Because I'm sick of my guy friends who are like, I just want to find a chill

girl who's into anal. I'm like, awesome, dude. You're gay.

Be gay, brother.

And that's great, but you're going to have a bad time if you try and find a

chill woman. We're not meant to be chill, bro.

The name of our gender is, whoa, man, that's not an accident.

Somebody named us.

Somebody went, that's a man, and that's, oh, it's biting, it's biting.

We're always in our heads. We're always stuck in this fucking hell cycle.

We're always thinking nine months ahead. We always are future tripping. That's

why we like getting choked out.

other woman you fuck is like would you actually mind killing me tonight it's

because when you cut off our passageway all of the neuroses shuts off and we're

limited to just basic survival thoughts just live breathe don't die and we get

to feel how it feels to think like a man for two goddamn seconds all right

that's it i gotta go thank you thank you guys

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I lost. I lost. So I've lost a

bunch. Hold on.

Tip of the tongue.

Okay.

I want to go home. Okay.