All language subtitles for Jay.Pharoah.Can.I.Be.Me.2015.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

* I just did a thing
I said I won't do *

* I just did a thing I said
I don't do *

* Big track up 'cause I'm
about to go, cool *

* 'Cause I just lied to
the big man I spoke to *

* I gotta get this together

* But my wild side
was like whatever *

* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

* Baby, you need to get
your life together *

* Well, Mama,
do you know the pressure *

* Of life's pleasures
when them nuts sweat you-- *

Cut it off!

What's going on, New York?
How y'all feel, baby?

[cheers and applause]

Oh, man.

Jay Pharoah taping his
special in New York, bitch.

I love New York, man.
Got everything here.

Everything!

You got foreigners.

Statue of Liberty.

Beautiful women.

Ebola.

You might as well laugh,
folks,

'cause we all gonna die
in about a couple of months.

That Ebola shit
is no joke.

I never thought that HIV
could be the lesser.

You know what I mean?

You hear conversations like,

"Yo, man, I got HIV."

"Oh, that's cool.

"As long as you ain't got
that Ebola shit.

"Come over here,
drink from my cups.

Come over here."

I'm gonna tell you, look,

I don't even shake
nobody's hands no more.

I'm telling you this.
I don't fist bump.

None of that shit.
I do this just right here.

If you can't do this,
then you can't get down with me.

This is "Elbow-la," nigga.
That's what this is.

Elbow-la.
I don't play.

I was in the Western Union
the other day.

You know, 'cause my family
is awesome.

And, um, there was
a dude behind me, right?

Dude behind me,
he was just hacking.

"A-hock-a-da-hock-a-da-
hock-a-da."

And even though I knew
he was from the Middle East,

I was still
a little bit scared,

because the chick behind him
was just sneezing, achoo!

I was in that bitch
looking like ISIS, just...

I looked like ISIS.

"I See Infected
Sons of bitches."

That's what it is.

But damn,
this shit's crazy, man.

We gotta do something.
It's crazy.

I love New York.

Doing a show here, man.

You know, 'cause sometimes
I do shows in weird places.

Like, I just came back
from Seattle, Washington.

That place is weird.

'Cause Richard Sherman
is there,

and I'm scared of that guy,
okay?

'Cause he's so forceful
for no reason, right?

"Well, when you
put me up against

"a sorry receiver
like Crabtree,

that's what you gonna get!"

I said, "Calm down.
It's not that serious."

Ladies, let me tell you
something.

That's the type of dude,
if he say you in a relationship,

you's in a relationship.

There's nothing you can do
about it.

He walk right up to you,
"You coming with me."

You say, "Bitch, I guess
I'm going with him then.

"Fuck it.

That's my baby now."

I'm serious, man.

Oh, boy,
it's so diverse in here.

[laughter]

I love it.

Ten Black people.
Thank y'all for coming.

It's--

[cheers and applause]

You aware that we are seriously
a minority right now,

and it's--
and it's cool.

You know what,
'cause I love white folks.

You gotta understand,
I do.

You know, 'cause when I first
moved to New York,

I moved into
a dangerous neighborhood.

And when I saw
y'all walking around,

I felt safe.

'Cause I know when it
all come down to it,

y'all would get robbed
before I will.

Now I know you're looking
at me like that's a punk move,

but I ain't a punk,
I'm a survivor.

It's a difference, okay?

'Cause if I see
a 7'16" nigga

come in here right now,
talking about he robbing us...

[laughs]

I'm switching sides.
I'm just letting you know.

He gonna be like,
"Everybody, get on the ground."

I'm gonna be like, "Yeah,
everybody get on the ground.

This is a stickup, bitch."

'Cause I ain't no punk.
I'm a survivor, you feel me?

Even in my woman selection.

That's why I can never mess with
somebody like Serena Williams.

Mm-mm.

That's a big woman, ain't it?

She look like the type,

as soon as you put
your thing in her,

she will clinch up
every muscle in her body

and just detach
your penis, right?

Somehow suck it up
all the way through her body

and then spit it out
in her hand like,

"Pfft, take your
little dick back, nigga."

[laughter and applause]

And would have to sit there

and then pick it up

and walk off with it.

'Cause you ain't gonna
fight her.

Look at her.

She's bigger
than an Avatar.

She's humungous.

Mutombo wouldn't
sleep with her.

He'd be like...

[imitating Dikembe Mutombo]
"No, no, no, no.

That bitch, not in my house,
no, no, no, no."

Speaking of big stuff,
I'm sorry, y'all.

I gotta get this
out of my pocket.

Look at this
big-ass phone.

This don't make no sense.

Y'all remember when phones--

I got ear cancer right now.
I know I do.

Y'all remember when phones
was getting smaller and smaller

and smaller?

Now they're getting
bigger and bigger and bigger.

By 2017, people are gonna be
walking around just like this.

Be like, "Yo, man,
did you get my text message?"

"God got your text messages."

I can't stand these phones.

They think they can tell you
what you can

and what you can't say.

You ever had that?

"Ooh, you spelled
a word wrong."

Let me tell you something,
smartphone.

I spent $500 for you.

If I want to spell
"crusty" with a "K,"

then, bitch,
I'm gonna do it!

[cheers and applause]

Messing up
my damn conversation.

I'm on my phone,
on my Facebook,

trying to type in
"Happy birthday, Tupac."

But the autocorrect
gonna change it to,

"Happy birthday, Tuna."

I had 200 likes.

And some dumbass
even commented under,

"I didn't even know
tuna fish was created today."

And you ever had somebody
say something so stupid

to you on Facebook,
you just had to go

investigate their profile
just a little bit?

Like, I went
to the man's profile.

He said he was studying
to be an RN.

I said,
"Ha, you already an RN."

A retarded nigga!

And shout-out to everybody
in here right now,

shout-out to everybody

who got a smartphone
with a cracked screen.

Mm-hmm.

Talking about you waiting
for your upgrade.

But your shit ain't till
two years later.

So every time
you get a text message,

you're getting glass shards
in your finger and shit.

Girl talking about, "Why it
take you so long to text back?"

"'Cause it hurts, bitch!"

And they got
this stupid app now,

and it's called Snapchat.

I don't know if y'all
have heard of this.

That is the dumbest app
I have ever heard of.

It's an app that allows you
to take a picture

and send it to somebody,

and it disappears
within a matter of seconds.

It's kinda like this, ladies.

I sent you a picture
of my dick.

No, I didn't.

I had a chick, right,
and she was looking sexy, man.

She had on
the thigh-high stockings.

She had her breasts all out,
and she was looking amazing.

And she sent me
this damn picture,

but it disappeared.

I was like...

I texted her back
mad as hell like,

"What the hell did you
send me this for?

"I can't jerk off
in five seconds!

What the hell?"

You find somebody that can
jerk off in five seconds,

they need to be put in the
Guinness Book of World Records,

and they need to fun
for the presidency next term,

'cause they can
get shit done fast.

That's all I'm saying.

But not me.

I'm not a punk.
I'm a survivor, man.

Give y'all some background.

You know me, I used to work
at Golden Corral.

[cheers and applause]

"Whoo," my ass.

That place is terrible.

As soon as you walk in, it
smell like diabetes, don't it?

You know it's bad
when the only good thing

you can say about
your establishment is,

"Uh, we got
a chocolate fountain."

That's the best thing
about it.

I seen a nigga
put a steak in there.

And he was just turning it like
a rotisserie chicken, just...

I said, "Your fat ass
gonna die, man."

Now I used to work
in the back,

washing the plates,
the knives and the forks

with my white friend, James.

Now, there was
an old Black dude named Fred,

he used to wash
the pots and the pans.

Now Chris Rock
said it the best

about old Black men.

He said it the best,
he said...

[imitating Chris Rock]
"Old Black men

"are the most racist people
in the world.

"Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck are you?

"Who the fuck are you
to talk about...

"They don't even fucking
fight you.

They just shoot you, ahh."

So they decided to send rolls
to the back, right?

I thought it'd be funny
to pick up a roll

and throw it at Fred.

'Cause I like messing
with people.

I picked up the roll,
I threw it at Fred.

It hit him,
hit his water.

The water splashed him
in his face.

But he thought
that James threw the roll.

Yeah, "Oh, shit," right?

So in the back
of Golden Corral,

I kid you not,

he had a civil rights
flashback right there.

And it's like
he turned back into a slave

as soon as it happened, man.

He said, "Woosh!"

[breathing heavily]

[humming traditional
spiritual song]

"Hey, cracker!

"You's throw another roll,

and I's gonna fuck you up."

Now, New York,
I had a decision to make.

But I ain't no punk,
I'm a survivor, so I was like,

"Yeah, throw another roll,
cracker."

And I was like...

* Wade in the water

* Wade in the water

* Whoa wade in the water

* Me and Fred
gonna stick together *

'Cause I ain't a punk.

(all)
I'm a survivor.

Hell, yeah.

That's why I can't
smoke weed.

Weed is dangerous
for somebody like me.

I already got too many voices
in my head.

Last time I smoked weed,

I got so high

I was driving around
looking for my car keys.

Just stopping people
in my neighborhood.

"Hey, yo, you seen
my car keys, man?"

[laughs]

"No, for real.
You seen my car keys?"

The dude that I asked,
he was high too.

He was like, "Maybe you should
keep driving around

till you find them."

But I was so messed up,
I was like,

"That's a good idea.
I'm gonna keep driving."

I can't do it.

I'm messed up, man.
I'm messed up.

I went to the West Coast.
I did a show out in Oakland.

That's already
a bad situation.

And I had something
called a weed cookie.

[crowd oohs]

Yes, "Ooh," is right.

I was high
for two days straight.

It was so bad,
I was in my hotel room

in the bathroom mirror

having an in-depth
conversation with myself

about why I should
keep my voice down.

Because the walls were thin,

and the next-door neighbors
was gonna think I was crazy.

So I'm in my hotel room

looking and sounding like
Sméagol from Lord of the Rings.

It was--it was off.
I was like...

[imitating Gollum]
"You must stop talking

"to yourself, Precious.

"You must stop talking
to yourself."

"No, no, do what you want.

"It's fine.

"Gollum! Gollum!

"No.

"They're gonna think
we're crazy.

"They're gonna think
we're like Kanye West

or Miley Cyrus."

And I kid you not--

I kid you not, I heard
somebody in the next room

on the telephone like,

"Yo, I think there's
18 people in there.

And that's a fire hazard.
We can't have that."

I'm not the type
who can do it.

Dave Chappelle,
totally different.

One of my comedic idols.

That man can smoke
as much weed as he wants to,

and it would not once
mess with his creativity.

He even lets you know.

[imitating Dave Chappelle]
"Hold on, baby.

"Now, I smoke weed, nigga, oh.

"Weed is good for
your system nigga, oh.

"Sometimes
when you smoke weed

"you get
a Comedy Central show.

"A chaya-ching,
a chaya-ching!

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

"Oh!

"Yeah, baby.

"Unh!

It's purple, bitch!"

Let me tell you,
and they used to smoke

all the time
when I was in school,

and I ain't never partake.

I was an outcast in school.

A lot of folks
are always like,

"Jay Pharoah,
how you learn to come up

with so many voices?"

I be like, "Because
I had no fucking friends.

I had to make people up."

That's why I get mad
when people talk about bullying,

like it's such a bad thing.

You hear the,
"Stop the bullying!"

Shut your dumb ass up!

If I wouldn't have got bullied
the way I got bullied,

I wouldn't be on national
television right now.

So all the time
it's not a bad thing.

All right?

Shoot, 'cause these little kids
are punk asses nowadays.

They are punk asses.

They be coming home bitching,

"Ehh!

He's bullying me."

"Well, bully him."

"Ehh!

He's talking about me."

"Talk about his ass."

"Ehh!

He hit me with a car."

"Then, bitch, shoot him.
How 'bout that?

You know what I'm saying?"
Okay, all right.

I know.

I shouldn't talk about guns.

We've had
terrible things happen.

To the people
in the Boston bombing,

my heart goes out to them.

To the people in
The Dark Knight shooting,

my heart goes out to them.

Anybody that's lost their life
to gun violence

or any artillery,
my heart goes out to them.

It's not a good thing.

[cheers and applause]

But I be thinking...

about that Dark Knight thing.

And, uh,
there couldn't have been

no hood Black people there,
right?

'Cause they would've had
they guns ready, right?

Like, as soon as he pulled
his thing out, they'd be like,

[imitates gun cocking]
"What's your problem, dog?

"You better go somewhere
with that bull, bro.

"We've been waiting two months
to see this movie, all right?

You better go shoot up
Ice Age 4."

And then
in the Boston bombing,

they couldn't even
get no Black people

'cause we was already
finished with the race, so...

[laughter and applause]

We was at IHOP
just eating a short stack,

looking at the damn--
like, "What?

"When in the hell
did this happen?

"This Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity

good as a bitch though,
I'll tell you that."

And people always say the same
thing when bad things happen.

[high-pitched]
"Oh, my God!

"Why do people
do such things?

Oh, my God!"

This is my impression
of a concerned white woman.

[high-pitched]
"Oh, my God!

"Why do people
do such things?

Oh, my God, Karen!"

It's always a Karen.

"Oh, my God, Karen!"

Yo, I learned something.

You want to go to
a white people's party,

say you know Karen.

They will take care
of your ass the whole day.

"You know Karen?

"Well, come on, sit down.

Have a pumpkin spice latte."

Now, I'm gonna tell you
why these bad things happen.

It's the parenting.
That's what the hell it is.

Now, parenting,
now I'm not gonna get cliché

like every other
Black comedian,

get on this stage and say
you should whup your kids.

'Cause honestly,
I got whipped,

and I'm halfway retarded,
okay?

But what you should--

And whupping your kids

is not really a good thing
to do right now.

Look at Adrian Peterson.

Now what did he really do?

Okay, he hit his son
with a switch.

That's it?

'Cause my mom hit me with...

anything she could find.

One time she fucked me up
with a Ninja Turtles umbrella.

I couldn't even
watch the series anymore.

Every time
the theme music came on,

I just started having
a breakdown and shit.

It'd be...
* Teenage Mutant--

I'd be, "Ahhh!"

And you know,
I was a little mischievous

when I was a little kid.

Okay, you know,
my pop got me too.

You know, he in here.

He got me.
He got me, man.

This one time he beat me
in front of the church

with drumsticks.

And he was the drummer.

It wasn't even
a whipping for him.

It was practice.

As soon as he was done,
he just got back on the stand

and just kept doing the same
shit just like this here.

[imitates drumming]

I said, "You learned
that here first.

"I'm gonna need
some royalties for that shit,

you know what I'm saying?"

It's all good.
I love my pop, man.

But you know,
you know how men do.

You know, a lot of men
don't get their stuff together

until they 50, you know?

You know.
You know what I'm saying?

They go back to school.

Now they want to get
their degree and shit,

and the wife's
sitting there like,

"Now you wanna do it, nigga?

"You wanna do that shit now?

"I done been telling
your ass for 20 years.

You wanna do that shit now?"

My pop is cool, man.

I just think that sometimes

he puts blame on other people
for his shortcomings.

Which is cool, you know?
We all do it.

Like, every time I go home

and he has a bad day
he's like,

"Ugh."

I was like,
"Dad, what's wrong?"

"These crackers
keep holding me down, son."

I said, "Daddy, the crackers
ain't holding you down.

"That associate's degree
is holding you down.

"Maybe you need to
go to school

a couple more years
and upgrade."

'Cause an associate's degree

is basically like
the college saying,

"Yeah, we associate with you.

We just don't fuck with you,"
you know what I'm saying?

It's real stuff, man.

But it's about the parenting.

Okay?

You ain't gotta
whup your kids, you know?

Change your personality,
scare the hell out of them.

That's what it's about.

It's about scaring them,
putting that fear in 'em.

You ever ran away from
your damn mom or your dad

in the mall?

When they found you,
what the hell did they do?

My mom shook me
like a Polaroid picture.

That's what the hell she did.

She be like, "Don't you ever
run away from me again.

I will kill you!
As long as you stay Black--"

I'm like,
"When am I gonna change?

What--
What am I--"

"As long as you stay Black,

don't you ever
run away from me again."

And then I'd cry so hard,

I could only
get one letter out.

I be, "Uh--Uh--Uh--

Eeeeh!"

You ever seen
a little kid get disciplined?

He be crying,
he be, "Eeeh!"

And it's sprinkler cry,
"Tsh-tsh-tsh--eeeeh!"

I'm saying,
you ain't gotta whip 'em.

You change your personality.

Go Bernie Mac on 'em
one damn time

and see how they feel.

Just let 'em
talk back to you.

"Shut up, Mom!"

[imitating Bernie Mac]
"What the fuck did you just say?

"And let me
tell you something.

You better sit there and shut
what they call the fuck up."

[cheers and applause]

"And I'm gonna
tell you something.

"You come over here again,
gonna be trouble, trouble.

"Bust a move!
Bust a motherfucking move!

Son of a bitch!"

[cheers and applause]

Y'all know the man's eyes
was crossed, come on now.

It's about
an authoritative tone, man.

I'm tired of going to the malls
and seeing situations

with a little kid
just running amok.

You ever seen 'em?
"Eeeh!"

And the mom's like,
"What the fuck?

"Oh, my God,
why don't you just listen?

Why don't you do
what I tell you?"

And the little kid
get up all disrespectful.

"I don't know!

How come you can't be
a good mom, Margaret?"

[laughter and applause]

Gonna call the mom out
by the first name.

I wish I would call
my moms out by her first name.

I would no longer have a mouth
on my face, do you hear me?

I'd be talking
from a hole in my neck

like Terrie from
the smoking commercials.

You ever see her?

[laughs]

* You know I'm gonna
do it for you *

[cheers and applause]

She be...

[imitating Terrie Hall]
"Hi.

"My name Terrie.

"And I'm a smoker.

"And you put on your wig,
put in your teeth,

"and go about your day.

I'm a smoker."

A what?

"A smoker."

A mimosa?

"A smoker!"

I'm sorry.

[laughter and applause]

But for everybody who has
seen that commercial,

that is not just cigarettes.

That's meth, nigga.
That's what that is.

Oh, oh!

Oh, I would love to see her
drinking from a water fountain.

I would love it.

She just be drinking--
[laughs]

She--

[imitates water running]

Got little kids running past
her with quarters and nickels.

"Make a wish, man!
Make a wish."

I'm sorry.

It's about
an authoritative tone.

That's how I know
that Jay-Z

is not gonna be able
to control Blue Ivy

when she gets older.

His voice is too light.

And first of all,
Jay-Z's voice, man,

it's just so fun.

If he was outside
of a haunted house,

it would be hilarious.

He'd be trying
to warn people

about what's going on
in the haunted house, he'd be...

[imitating Jay-Z]
"Yo, don't go in there.

There's a ghost in there."

[laughter and applause]

Jeah, eh, eh, eh."

* Jeah,
gather 'round hustlers *

* That's if you still living

* And get on down
to that oh, eh, eh, HOV *

"Look.

"Okay, you wanna
go in there?

"You serious?

"Okay, you're dead.
Bye-bye.

"Fuck you.
Ha ha ha ha, yep.

"Yep!

[applause]

Solange is in there.
Be careful."

[laughter and applause]

Blue Ivy, man.

That don't even sound
like a real name.

That sound like
stripper lotion, don't it?

"Girl, I don't never
go down the pole

"without my Blue Ivy, girl.

"'Cause I ain't trying
to get leg burn.

Boom, boom, hey!"

And, Black women,
some of y'all do this.

What the hell is this?

It's like y'all trying
to pull a conversation

out the sky.

You know like,
"Hey, my name's Tammy.

"I work at Walgreens,

"and I make 7.25 an hour.
[clicks tongue]

Ain't nobody got
time for that, hey."

You seen this person before.

You be at the McDonald's.
You be like, "Excuse me.

Let me get a Big Mac,
McChicken sandwich."

She come out with an attitude,
just dancing.

"Pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh!

"We ain't got no Big Macs,
no McChicken sandwiches.

"So Big Mac your ass
out the front door.

"Big Mac your ass
out the front door.

Surfboard, surfboard,
graining on that wood."

[cheers and applause]

Look at some
of the white people like,

"Yeah, I fired somebody
like that earlier this week.

Won't have to worry
about LaQuifa anymore."

White people and people
in the corporate world,

I love to see how y'all react

to folks that come in the office
with dreadlocks.

It's so funny.

'Cause y'all get nervous.

As soon as you see 'em,
you be...

"Uh...

Hello."

That means, "What the hell
are you doing here?"

"Uh...

Can I help you?"

That means,
"Please don't rob me."

And the guy will be
the nicest dude ever.

He's like, "Well, actually,
my name's Jamal.

"I just graduated
from Harvard,

"and I can't wait
to start the IT program,

'cause I really feel I can be
a valuable asset to the team."

"Okay, Jamal.

"Well, I'm gonna go
call up Karen

and see if she knows
anything about this."

There's always a Karen.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was in
the middle of a bit.

Hold up.

[makes rewinding sound]

"Hey!"

How you gonna control
a child named Blue Ivy?

She's sitting there
pitching a fit,

and Jay-Z looking
all helpless.

He just...

"Oh, oh.

"Yo.

"Hey, yo, Blue, you really
need to calm down, you know?

"'Cause I'm really starting
to get irritated, you know?

Jeah."

* All I'm saying
is I'm your daddy *

* You my little baby goi-rl

"Jeah."

* But you don't want me
to go and get that belt *

* 'Cause if I do both of
your ass cheeks will melt *

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Shoot, Blue Ivy gonna look
her dad dead in the face

and be just like this here.

[exhales]

"Do you hear
what you named me?

Fuck you, Shawn."

[laughter and applause]

"And since you wanna
name me weird stuff,

"I'm gonna go sleep with
Chris Brown and R. Kelly.

How you like that?"
[audience oohs]

Oh, don't get sensitive.

Y'all act like I said
Flavor Flav.

Don't get sensitive.

Don't give a damn
what R. Kelly did.

He makes good music.

[scattered cheers
and applause]

[laughter]

He makes steppin' songs,
baby.

And steppin' songs
means something

to everybody up in here.

Steppin' songs be the jump-off
to cookouts, don't they?

Don't they?
Don't they?

Ma'am, you be at a cookout.

Let The Electric Slide
come on.

You will drop your
potato salad right there.

That's what you'll do.

Hey, folks, there's a song
that has been out for years.

It's called the Cha-Cha Slide.

Now you let that song
come on anywhere,

let that song come on when
my family's at a funeral.

Well, guess what,
if we carrying the casket,

we dropping it
right damn there.

That's what's gonna happen.

Let the music
play long enough,

the corpse start dancing.

Corpse come out of the casket,
"Whoo, Charlie Brown," he be--

Everybody at the funeral,
"Aah!"

I make that noise
when I get excited.

Like, look, if I'm
getting a haircut,

and it look really good,

I look at myself in the mirror

and I be like,

"Oh, look at that boy.
That boy fresh.

Look at that boy,
that boy!"

Now if they cut me up
to back too far,

and have a cul-de-sac
on top of my shit,

have me looking like
Stephen A. Smith,

well, I'll go
right into it, I be...

[imitating Stephen A. Smith]
"Oh, this is blasphemous.

"On the cusp
of what seems to be

"one of the biggest
interviews of my life,

"you have cut me up
to back too far.

"You're worse
than Mario Chalmers

"and Tiago Splitter
if they were ever barbers.

"You should have
your barber's license revoked.

You should never be able
to cut anybody's hair."

[laughter and applause]

Have fun with your life, man.

I have fun doing this
for y'all.

You gotta have fun.

You don't know how long
you're gonna be here.

You gotta keep yourself
in shape.

You lift weights?

(man)
All the time.

[laughter]

He's like, "Yeah, I lift.
Yeah."

Look, man, you gotta
keep yourself in shape,

'cause you don't wanna
get "stitties."

[audience murmurs]
- Stitties.

Stomach titties.

You ever seen that?
Be a big-ass piece of meat

just falling down here.

Big-ass piece of meat

just falling all the way
down here,

look like you can play
hacky-sack with it.

You just go
just like this here.

Hey, folks, I can talk about
it, 'cause I used to be fat.

I used to be big as hell,
okay?

I was 5'8",
I was 250 pounds,

and I was 17.

That's a fat fuck.

That's what it is.

I lost 75 pounds
in, like, four months.

I'm not kidding about this,
you know what I'm saying?

It's real.
You can do it.

[cheers and applause]

But, you know, it was bad.

You know, I was one of those
little fat kids

that didn't want nobody
to see my breasts.

So I swam around in the pool
with a shirt on.

But then you pop out the pool,

and everybody can see
your breasts anyway.

It's like, "Well, nigga,
it's a wet T-shirt contest.

"We can--we can see your
titties, and you won, nigga.

You won.
You really did."

All I'm saying is you gotta
have fun with your life.

Just have fun.

People, Kanye West looks like
he has a lot of fun

with his life.

But what is wrong
with that guy?

What is wrong
with Kanye West?

I think it's because he's got
the short man complex.

You know what
I'm talking about?

Anybody under 5'5"
is mad at the world

for no fucking reason.

And I understand
Kanye West is 5'8",

but he got the swagger
of a Keebler Elf.

That's all I'm trying
to say to you.

Kanye West is a Keebler Elf.

That's funny as hell,
I'm sorry.

He be--
[laughs]

[imitating Kanye West]
"Hold on, fam.

"Who else you know--

"Who else you know
can take swirls

"and connect them
with the chocolate chips

"just like I did, fam?

"Can't nobody do that
like I did, fam.

"Yo, fuck all these elves, fam!

"It's me, heh-heh!

I am a God."

What the fuck?

Even Katt Williams
would look at him like...

[imitating Katt Williams]
"Nigga, you need to calm

"your ass down, boo-boo.

"Because you
are really starting

"to make us elf people
look very crazy.

"And what you need to do

"is sit your ass
in the corner,

"enjoy your goddamn cookies,

"and have a good life
in this raggedy son of a bitch.

"'Cause I got all the edibles
a pimp could want to eat.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Pimpin', pimpin'."

[cheers and applause]

[chuckles]

All right.

I know there's
a few people confused.

Some people are confused like,

"What the hell
is a Katt Williams?

What is that, a negro feline
or something like that?"

Have fun.
Kanye West, man.

That short man complex, man,

that shit transcends species.

That's why you'll see
a Chihuahua

trying to fight Rottweiler
for no reason.

I know when I talk about dogs
some people get tight.

"Don't talk about the baby."

Baby?

Ma'am, your poodle did not
come out of your vagina.

I don't know
what you talking about.

It's not a baby.
It's a dog.

You know what I'm saying?
[imitates dog whimpering]

And y'all be abusing
the hell out y'all dogs,

and I'm gonna tell you how.

Putting them little
outfits on them.

They don't wanna
wear that shit.

"But he's cold.

He's cold."

He's got fur.

Fur, dumbass.

Fur!

You ain't never
turned to Animal Planet

and seen a polar bear with
a down jacket on, have you?

"Don't talk about the baby."

And it messes you up too,

'cause some people
put their dogs in strollers.

So you be expecting to see
a little one-year-old,

but you go up to the stroller

and you see
this shit right here.

[barks]

"What up, nigga?"

What?

The hell you doing in here?

You got four legs.
Walk, motherfucker!

"Don't talk about the baby.
Not the baby."

That reminds me of
The Wolf of Wall Street.

Y'all seen that movie?

Now, uh, first off,
Margot Robbie,

the main chick in that movie,

uh, she can get the dick.

That's my woman crush
Wednesday

every damn Wednesday,
I'm telling--

She, "Mommy doesn't feel
like wearing any more panties."

And I said, "I agree with you.
Yeah, you shouldn't."

But the part that
that reminded me of in the movie

was the part
where Mr. Jordan,

Leonardo DiCaprio,
is in the car

with his daughter,
and he tries to run.

You know what I mean?
He tries to get out of there.

But he hits the tree.

And that's not
a funny situation,

'cause putting
a little kid in that situation,

that's not safe.

But what was funny
was the caretaker that they had.

You know what I mean?

That Black lady that
they had working, the nanny,

when she came out,
she was like,

"Oh, Lord!
Get the baby!

"Oh, Lord!

"Mr. Belfort
done lost his mind.

He done lost his mind."

I said, "Does anybody else
smell pancakes right now?"

'Cause I do.

Anytime you hear
somebody say, "Oh, Lord!"

They are old as hell.
I'm serious.

I was watching
a porno the other day.

And I didn't know
how old the lady was

until the dude
hit the spot real good.

He said, "Pow!"

She said,
"Whoo! Oh, Lord!"

I said, "I ain't watching
this no more.

"Smell like cookies and love
in here.

This remind me of Nana."

Oh, pfft!

[whines, yips]

[whining]

Sound like my ex-girlfriend.

[imitates animal yapping]

* What my girl say

Now, I don't know
if y'all have seen that sketch.

(audience)
Yes.

But look,
if you laughed at it,

you was laughing at my life,

'cause it was based
off of some painful shit.

I'm gonna be honest with you,
it was about me and my ex.

We're not together no more,
know what I mean?

But let me tell you something,

my parents have been together
for 33 years.

- And you don't have a 33--
[cheers and applause]

And you do not have
33 years of a relationship

without going through
little bumps and bruises.

And if they can't get through
the bumps and bruises,

forget about 'em.

Find you somebody
that's your ride-or-die,

you know what
I'm talking about?

Find you somebody else.

That's got to be
the yin to your yang.

The peanut butter
to your jelly.

The Gayle King
to your Oprah.

If they ain't got your back,

you go on ChristianMingle.com

and you find you somebody else,
'cause it--

She--she done been up there.
Look.

[laughter and applause]

I'm saying--I'm gonna show you
how she ain't have my back.

I'm gonna tell you, okay?

We're in the Bahamas, people.

Physically how she didn't
have my back.

We're in the Bahamas.

Now, I'm doing something
I shouldn't be doing, swimming.

I said I shouldn't be doing it.

I didn't say I couldn't do it.

I said I shouldn't
have been doing it.

I was in the water, swimming.

I swam all the way out
to where the buoys were.

I was just swimming like,
"A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, a-ha-ha."

I looked in the water,

and I seen this big brown
thick thing

with fins and teeth
coming towards my pinky toe.

Oh, it was a shark.
I kid you not.

And I was trying
to get her attention,

because when you're
in a relationship

and you're in danger,

you're supposed
to have safety signals

amongst one another
that you can read, right?

So I went just like this,
"Unh, unh, unh."

That means,
"Bitch, get the lifeguard."

That's what that means.

But she ain't understand it,
right?

So she's on the shore

thinking I'm swimming fast
for her benefit.

So she's like, "Whoo, yes!
Baby, go faster!

Whoo!"

That's how she sounds,
I swear to God.

"Whoo!"

I got back to the shore,
I was like,

"Excuse me,
did you not realize

"I almost got killed
by a shark?

Did that not occur to you?"

She said, "I didn't--
I didn't realize that."

I swear that's how she talks.
"I didn't realize that."

I was like,
"That's 'cause you mixed.

"Okay, you're Black and white.

"You don't have
survival skills, you don't.

Mm-mm."
She don't.

'Cause I'm gonna
tell you something.

Had it been like
a Black chick from the hood,

Brooklyn, something--hey!

She would've been
in the water with a pistol,

just swimming around,
you know what I'm talking about?

Now she would have
been doggy-paddling.

[laughter and applause]

But she would have
been swimming around.

She would have been in the drink
just like this,

"I will fuck a shark up.

"Don't you touch my baby.

"Somebody gotta pay
for the hotel room.

I ain't doing the shit."

And she would've had her head up
like this the whole time,

so her hair
didn't get wet.

She's my baby.

[cheers and applause]

Back to Kanye West though.

Called me up,
he was like,

"And, you know,
I didn't call you up

"to, you know, knock your craft
or, you know, anything,

"because it would be weird
for me to call up

Richard Pryor or Jamie Foxx
or one of the greats."

I'm like,
"Richard Pryor's dead.

He's dead.
You can't--you can't call him."

This is what I'm thinking
in my head the whole time.

Okay, I'm listening to this man
talk about himself

for 11 minutes straight.

At the end
of the conversation, y'all,

I kid you not, he says,

"And I impregnated America."

I said, "Worth it."

This whole conversation
was worth it

to hear Kanye West
say he took his penis

and fornicated with
the United States of America.

My life is fucking awesome.

I said, "Thank you, Kanye."

It's amazing.

He's--I'm telling you though,
he's a cool dude, man.

There's nothing bad between--
He's a very cool guy,

very nice dude, you know?

There's no beef whatsoever.

And when I met him,
I was star-struck,

and that does not
happen a lot.

'Cause One Direction
came to SNL.

[scattered cheers]

Nobody cared.

It was so funny.
We did a shoot with them.

It was 200 extra girls,
and it was One Direction.

As soon as the girls
saw One Direction,

they just lost it,
they lost it.

They were like, "Aaahh!"

I was like,
"Y'all are 11.

"You shouldn't be touching
yourselves like that.

I'm feeling very uncomfortable
right now."

They got escorted out.

One Direction leaves.

I went to where
the 200 girls were standing.

I kid you not, y'all.

It smelled just like farts.

Do you know what that means?

That means they were so excited
to meet One Direction,

they almost shit themselves.

Now, that's a different type
of fame for your ass.

I know about famous,
but not shit famous, right?

I ain't never had somebody
come up to me and be like,

"Hey, Jay Pharoah!

"Agh!

"You the best, nigga.

You...are so amazing."

And I get sad, you know?

'Cause I see entertainers

who I think deserve
that type of notoriety,

and they don't get it.

Like Trey Songz.

I think Trey Songz should be
a lot bigger than he is.

You know what I mean?

He's one of the only
entertainers I know

that can sit there,
eye-molest your girlfriend,

while you watch helplessly,

and there's nothing
you can do but be like,

"Yo, that's Trey Songz.
He's eye-molesting my woman.

"I'm probably
gonna sleep with her,

and that's fucking awesome."

Matter of fact,
give me a female volunteer

out of the audience
right now.

I'm gonna show you
what he does.

You?
You wanna come up here?

Come on, Karen, get up here.

Come on.
This way.

[chuckles]

Here, sit down.

You look happy as shit.

[laughter]

"Hi, everybody!"

[chuckles]

Okay, if you don't know
who Trey Songz is,

this is what he does,
he be...

* Whoa, whoa, ah

* Yeah

* Look what the girl
done did to me *

Ooh!

You're a little
too into this shit.

[cheers and applause]

All right, it ain't that type
of party, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

Peace.

She was like--
she was like,

"What's next, motherfucker?
What's--"

[laughter and applause]

I'm--
[laughs]

But, look,
it's a few entertainers

who got that power, okay?

It's like--there's another
dude that can do that,

Chris Brown.

Yep, y'all gotta give it up
for Chris Brown.

[scattered cheers and applause]

Come on, dog,
why y'all ain't clapping, man?

Come on,
why y'all ain't clapping?

It's not like he hit y'all.
What the hell?

He's an all-around entertainer.

He can sing,
he can dance,

pop-lock,

box just a little bit.

Um, okay, I know he was in
a situation with Rihanna.

Okay.
And that's in the past.

And, folks,
you know people's love.

You can't help who you love.

You just can't.

You can't help
who you love.

Some women love
their man so much,

even whatever situation
they are in,

they make up excuses for them.

"Girl, this is a circle
of trust."

"No, bitch,
that's a black eye.

"Go get that checked out.

That's terrible."

And fellas,
I ain't condoning--

You should not put your hands
on a woman.

You should not do that, okay?

If you do that, you should be
ashamed of yourself,

'cause that's sick.

[applause]

Violence isn't funny...
all the time.

Sometimes it's hilarious.

Like every time we hear
that Drake gets in a fight.

You're like,
"Dude, you're not a fighter.

You're a stalker,
that's what the hell you are."

Listen to his lyrics.

Listen to his lyrics and
tell me the man not a stalker.

He be...

* I can't get over you

* You left your mark on me

I'm like, "What, you got 'em
in the basement or something?"

He's just driving around
in a random white van

just picking up
innocent women just,

"Oh, yeah, she looks good."

[vocalizing]

"Yeah.

"Motherfucker!

"Yeah.

"Get in the car,
get in the car, bitch!

Get in the car!"

* Just hold on,
we going home *

[laughter and applause]

I like Drake though.

He's just so soft though, man.

That's my dude, man,
but it's just,

"Oh.
Motherfucker.

"Worse, worse.

"Oh.
Yeah.

"What I just said
was so deep.

It was just,
'Oh. Oh.'"

Sounds like someone hit him
in the neck with a dart.

"Oh.

"Oh, yeah,
they hit me, bitch.

Ambulance, come here,
come here, come here."

And Lil Wayne be looking
at him from the back, he be...

[imitating Lil Wayne]
"Yeah.

What you doing on the ground,
lil nigga?"

* What you on
the ground for *

* Weezy F baby

* Please say the baby

* Ridin' with your bitch

* Got keys on the lady

* Bitches and strippers

* And strippers and strippers
and bitches *

* Bitches and strippers
and money *

* That's all I talk about

"Yeah!"

[cheers and applause]

[chuckles]

I like Lil Wayne,

but we all must concur
in this building this evening.

That man look like
a big-ass cricket, don't he?

It's like he call girls
in the club like this.

[imitates crickets chirping]

* Come here baby

[imitates crickets chirping]

* I wish I could chirp
every girl in the world *

* Young money yeah

I'm just saying, man.

What Wayne has done is

he's brought a lot of people
together musically,

and that's what we need, baby.

'Cause discrimination
is the deterioration

to our nation.

- Huh?
[cheers and applause]

All I'm saying
is you white, I'm Black.

That don't mean we can't
sleep together.

It just means the baby
gonna look like Barack.

That's all the hell it means.

If you're Asian,
we can make Tiger Woods.

If you're Spanish,
we can make Victor Cruz.

If you're Indian,

I guess our children
gonna open up

the first chains of
Subways and KFCs put together.

And if you're really white,
like really white, like...

[imitating Minnesota accent]
"Oh, yeah, white,"

we can make Eminem,
how 'bout that?

'Cause y'all know
he ain't fully white.

He got some Black in him
somewhere.

He is too angry to be
a normal white guy, I'm sorry.

Every time he raps,

he sound like
he want to kill somebody

for no damn reason, don't it?
He be...

* I'm gonna take a bitch,
put her in the trunk *

* Drive the motherfucker
off a bridge *

* Under the water

* Wait for a great white shark
to come *

* Pop the trunk,
there goes the bitch *

* Chum, chum, chum, chum

[cheers and applause]

You need a hug, sir.

You need PBS in your life.

You need Arthur,
Mr. Mathers.

But it's so crazy to see
Eminem's evolution, right?

'Cause how the hell do you go
from rapping like this...

* I'm disappointed
at my dentist appointment *

* They gave me the fucking gas
for 30 minutes this morning *

* Walked in a hospital
to get a chest X-ray *

* I walked out the next day

* With a dress
and a sex change *

You're like, what?

How the hell
did he go from that to...

* Oomina-lay-la,
oogie-wala-wala *

* Swallow the garlic

Garlic, he wants
to make a pizza.

I get it.
I understand him.

I like Eminem, man.
Eminem is dope.

I like lyricists.

I like people
that actually rap.

Kendrick, J. Cole, Drake,

I feel like they--
they spit.

I pay attention to lyricists.

'Cause y'all
might not know this.

I've been rapping
13 years of my life.

No?

[cheers and applause]

She--

The Black girl,
"Spit something."

[laughter and applause]

I said, um...

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I said, uh--

That's what rappers always do.

"I said, uh..."

* Yo people say
he doing comedy *

* Why the hell he rapping

* Got a heavy passion

* But I can drop both
and convert to acting *

* Why do one when I can
do it all *

* 'Cause I know if they take
a step in my shoes *

* These fuckers
will trip and fall *

* People always
want my position *

* They always askin'

* If they play punching bag
to the critics *

* Could they everlast it

* Probably OD
on some dumb shit *

* Stretched in elastic,
Dead President moves *

* TV running
when the band unfastens *

* In these last months
I upgraded fashion *

* Balenciaga sneakers,
looks to kill *

* Jay Pharoah turned assassin

* Eddie Murphy's uncle
said I'd be king *

* And these niggas doubt me

* That's why you might not
hear from me *

* But you'll hear about me

* I'm pressing buttons
and pulling cards *

* We'll call it Alfie

* Largest comedian,
will it happen *

* It May, Ralphie

* Why he so fantastic for

* Ask Jessica Alba

* Dark and sexy, nigga

* To the women I'm like
Idris Elba *

* Margot Robbie,
girl you can get it *

* I'm not committed
so it's no problem *

* Saying that I wanna hit it

* I got the kinda life
they kill for *

* I got this Jordan mindset

* So I'm just trying
to push my bill forward *

* I hope my ex straight

* And at 12 years a slave,
you free *

* There's about a thousand
of you baby *

* But there's one of me,
Kanye *

* Good luck trying to forget

* World never knew
I could spit *

* Boss so amazing legit

* Champagne have me a sip

* Dating these
Hollywood chicks *

* I'm smart,
we ain't making no flicks *

* 'Cause I'll be damned
if she blow up on me *

* On Kardashian shit

Balls.
Hashtag, balls.

[cheers and applause]

Hashtag, balls.

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

I don't know if it's time
for self promotion, but, uh...

the EP is out right now
on SoundCloud, did you--

That's why, look,
I like lyricists.

That's why, in my spare time,
I watch battle rap.

That's what I do.

Sometimes they say
the smartest thing,

sometimes they say
the dumbest thing,

but either way,
it's fucking awesome.

I was watching the other day,
and this rapper

was just like this.
He goes, "Yo."

* I put the iron to your dome
like I'm ironing clothes *

I was like, "Yeah.

Steam that nigga, yeah."

But sometimes they say
stupid stuff, right?

Like, I'm watching
the other day

and this rapper goes
just like this.

* Yo, I'll melt your face
like mozzarella *

Proceed.

Then he was like...

* So be cool 'cause it's
some real werewolves *

* Around you Bella

I said, "Wait a minute.

"Werewolves?
Bella?

"Since when do gangsters
watch Twilight?

What the hell?"

And this is what messed me up.

As soon as he said that lyric,

everybody in the battle
at the same time was like,

"Nigga!"

[laughter and applause]

"We just saw that on demand
this morning."

I said,
"Gangsters watching Twilight?

That makes no sense."

And don't think it's all fun
and games with me though.

'Cause I watch CNN.

Makes no sense.
You got people

that get robbed, stabbed,
raped, and killed.

Some of them can't even get
the front page of a newspaper.

Meanwhile,
you got Kim Kardashian

who seemed like
she had more exposure

for her divorces and marriage
than Barack had

his first year in office.

That didn't make any sense
to me.

Even Barack was like,
"Uh..."

[coughs]

[imitating Barack Obama]
"Well, uh,

"that bitch gets
a lot of exposure.

"I mean, because, uh, uh,
uh...

"uh, we all want to sleep
with her.

"Uh, me, Sasha, Malia.

"Even my dog wants
to hit that.

"As a matter of fact,
if I get caught, uh...

"with Kim Kardashian, uh...

"uh, well, Michelle's just gotta
let some shit slide.

"Uh, I mean, come on,
everybody.

"Uh, her skin is soft.

"Uh, she looks good.

And, uh, that ass is bigger
than the deficit."

[laughter and applause]

Aw, man, I would love to see
that dude in the strip club.

That'd be hilarious.

He just be in the strip club,
he be...

[imitating Barack Obama]
"Well, uh, thanks

"for bringing me here, Joe.

"Uh, we gotta get a selfie
with some of these asses.

"Uh, hashtag it 'Obama-rama.'

"Uh, I can get her to come
over here if you want me to.

"She knows who the hell I am.

"All right, let me get her.

"Uh, Peppermint, come here.

"Uh, come on,
sit down right here.

"Now, uh, my friend here,
Joe Biden,

"he's, uh, he's pretty shy.

"But he wants you to know
that, uh,

"you're very beautiful,
and, uh--oh!

"He won't make it rain.

Uh, he'll make it Hurricane
Sandy up in this bitch."

[laughter and applause]

Now, my fantasy pick
for a president

would be Eddie Murphy.

'Cause he can handle
any situation.

I think if he was accused
of a sexual scandal,

he wouldn't even care.
Reporters come at him,

"Eddie, so you slept
with some congresswomen, man.

What you got to say?"

He'll be...

[imitating Eddie Murphy]
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"Let me tell your ass something
right now.

"I just want to be honest
with you right now.

"Let me tell you something
right now.

"Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.

"I did it.
I slept with her.

"Let me tell you something.
It was good,

"it was sexy, and in
the morning, we had waffles.

[laughter and applause]

"Oh, yes.

"And I would have slept
with your ass too,

"'cause I love sex.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Please don't tweet that.

I like my job.
Don't tweet it, okay?

I know it 'cause there's always
a group of women

ready to tweet something
and mess up somebody's career,

even though, observationally,
groups of women together

are so funny, 'cause one
of y'all always ends up

getting too drunk...

(woman)
Oh, my God!

Flirting with the wrong--

[laughter and applause]

We've learned
a lot about you tonight.

Getting too drunk,
flirting with the wrong guy,

and then your girlfriend's
gotta play Save-A-Ho

and get you out the situation.
It's so funny.

As soon as it happens,
the girlfriend's like this,

the one that's trying
to cock-block, she's like,

"No! Get the fuck off of her!
"Get the fuck off of her!

"She's coming home with us!
She's coming home with us!

"Get the fuck--get--
get off of her!

"Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!

"Stop it, bitch!
Stop it! Ha!

"Stop it! Stop it!
No, let me talk to her.

"Karen, look at me, Karen.

"Sweetie, you're drunk, okay?

"If he wants to take you out,
he's gonna wait

"till the freakin' sun comes up
and take you out

"on a respectable date
like an adult.

"We came together.
We're leaving together.

"Fuck you, Tyrone!

We came together.
We're leaving together."

And then the girlfriend--
then the girlfriend,

she's all fucking like this.

She's like,
"I don't know, Karen."

Her name's Karen too.
"I don't know, Karen.

[sighs]

"I mean, he's still nice.

"I really can't
stand up straight right now,

"and I can't see his face,
but I can see his shoes.

Stacy Adams.
They're so sexy."

[mimics retching]

And then the guy
gets all creepy like,

"Let her make
her own decisions."

[laughter and applause]

* I got my eye on you

[applause]

Any straight-up New Yorkers here
right now?

[cheers and applause]

Yo, you can always tell
when somebody's from New York,

because when you get
in an altercation with them,

they'll let you know...

what city they came from,

what borough
they were raised in,

and at least one thing
that happened to them

when they was little
that qualifies for them

whupping your ass
in a situation.

Like my mom, for instance.

If you would ever get
in a verbal fight with my mom,

it would never get to fists
'cause she'd fucking,

you know, verbally--we--pfft!
You know fucking New Yorkers.

They fucking--they'll fuck you
up, you know what I'm saying?

My mom be just like this here,
"Unh-uh, I'm from Brooklyn.

"I'm from do-or-die
Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

"Do not play with me, okay?

"There was 40 roaches
in my house.

"We named one of 'em Spot.
[clicks tongue]

I'll kill you.
Don't play with me."

So we at the gas station, right?

And this lady caught herself
taking my mother's pump.

But my mother
wasn't having that.

She told me and my sister
to get out the car

'cause she was gonna discipline
this lady right on spot.

I said, "You gonna discipline
her right on spot?"

She said, "Mm-hmm."

I said, "Worse than you did
when you hit me

with that Ninja Turtles
umbrella?"

She was like, "Much worse."

I said, "Oh, snap!"

She walks up to the lady.
She was like, "Unh-uh! Unh-uh!

"I'm from Brooklyn.

"I'm from do-or-die
Bed-Stuy Brooklyn.

You took my spot.
I don't play that."

The lady was like, "So?
I'm from Oakland."

My mom said,
"Y'all get in the car."

[laughter and applause]

I said, "Wait a minute, Mama!

You supposed to fight her!
Don't be a punk!"

She said,
"Baby, I'm not a punk.

I'm a survivor.
That's what the hell I am."

You don't mess with people
from Oakland, folks.

You just don't do it.

Even in the Rise of the Planet
of the Apes,

you notice they went over
that Golden Gate Bridge,

but they did not mess
with the Bay one?

Did you notice that?

'Cause there would have been
far more dangerous creatures

on the other side,
just waiting for 'em like,

"Hold on, bruh.

"Hey, yo, who these Flavor
Flav-looking niggas, bruh...

"coming over here with
these ashy knuckles, nigga?

Who the fuck are these peop--"
The movie wouldn't

have been called
Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

It would have been called
The Apes Died in Oakland.

There would have been no sequel.

Don't do it.

Apes were gangster, man.

You ever had a gangster
situation just happen to you?

Like you, right here.

She's like, "No.

"I was at the H&M
the other day,

"and I switched
the $4.95 tag

"with the $12.95.

[singsong]
And I got away with it."

I had a gangster situation
happen to me

where I had to be gangster
in the situation.

You just had to be.
Sometimes you just gotta,

you know, buck up
and do what you gotta do.

I was trying to get a cab
in February.

The cabdriver saw me,
looked at me,

and then sped the hell off.

But he got caught
at the red light

that was right in front of me.

So I was like, "Oh, snap!"
So you know what I did?

I went Denzel Washington
Training Day

on his ass right there.
I was like...

[imitating Denzel Washington
laughing]

"Okay, all right.

"Yeah, my nigga, my nigga.

[laughter and applause]

"Yeah, so you're telling me

"you were just gonna drive off,
huh?

"That's what you're saying,
right, huh?

"You were just gonna drive--
[flaps lips]

"That's what you saying.
Huh?

"You were just gonna drive off,
huh?

"It's negative 20 degrees
out here.

"My fingers are about
to fall off my hand,

"but you was about
to drive the fuck off.

"That's what you telling me,
right?

"Okay, well, let me tell you
something, Abu.

"That's right.
I said it, Abu.

"You just live here.
I run shit here!

King Kong ain't got shit
on me!"

He just ran the light.

He ain't want nothing
to do with it.

He was in his car like,
"That negro's crazy.

Something is wrong."

Telling you, man.

Fucking gangster women, man,
I like you.

You freak--oh, my God.

So much power in a woman.

You know where you can find it
exactly though?

Legs.
I'm a leg man.

Any other leg men in here?

[sparse cheers and applause]

So what the rest of y'all?
Titty fuckers?

I'm a leg--there's nothing
sexier than a woman

with a nice pair of legs,
you know what I'm saying?

Just walking out just nice
and just...

[imitates train chugging]

Put some
thigh-high stockings on.

Oh, my God!
That shit is sexy.

Women, if you don't got a pair
of thigh-high stockings,

go get some, make your man hot
like instant grits.

I'm so serious.

Matter of fact,
if you don't got some right now,

I want you to go home,

order it from Victoria Secret,
and send me the picture.

Make sure it ain't Snapchat,
'cause I'll get pissed off.

That's all I'm saying.

But stockings, boy,
it's so sexy.

But women,
let me talk to you, okay?

If you got a fat leg...

please do not take
a fishnet stocking

and put it on the fat leg.

Now you got little fat pieces
popping out the fishnet,

and it look like Bubble Wrap.

Now, me being
the type of person I am,

I'm trying to pop this shit.
"What the hell?"

[taps microphone repeatedly]

Jump on it.
That shit--

That was a long-ass leg.

Ain't know where the hell
I was going with that.

That's just a long-ass,
Wendy Williams-sized leg.

(man)
Damn!

It was big--

You ain't been here
the whole show?

You talking about some, "Damn."

I've said some fucked-up shit.

My God, man.
Jump on it.

That shit remind me of
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...

when Will Smith and Carlton
got in that--all right.

I love Fresh Prince.
That's my show.

But y'all,
I'll be honest with you.

[cheers and applause]

Will Smith does not think
I sound like him.

Nope. First time I met him,
it was weird.

He was like...
[clears throat]

[imitating Will Smith]
"Yo, Jay, I don't think

you can sound like me."

And I was like...
[clears throat]

[imitating Will Smith]
"Yo, Will, stop playing."

[laughter and applause]

He was like,
"Yeah, that's good.

"Check it out.
Whoo!

Miami."

He made some good music, man,
you know?

No, but I was raised mostly
on, like,

Biggie Smalls and Tupac.

That's what I like listening to.

Biggie Smalls is just cool.
Just cool.

[imitating Notorious B.I.G.]
* First of all I Poppa

* Freaks all the honies,
dummies *

* Playboy bunnies,
those wanting money *

[breathing heavily]
"Oh! Oh! Oh!

"I should have never
put that steak

"in that chocolate fountain
at Golden Corral, man.

I never should have done that,
man."

Tupac was just powerful.

He was like Mufasa.

He said something,
you just listened to him.

You could put him--
if he was alive today,

I would love to see him go in,
like, a Chipotle or something,

and get to the end, like, when
he's getting his food and shit.

He's getting his food...
[imitating Tupac Shakur]

"Why do you keep telling me
that guac is $2?

"I know that.
You said it.

"It says it right there
on the menu.

You acting like I can't read."

* Come with me

* Hail Mary,
run quick see *

* What do you have here now

[laughter]

You!

You--you was mouthing it.

White girl, stand up,
come here.

Come here.

[cheers and applause]

On behalf
of the Black community,

I adopt you.

[cheers and applause]

Listen.

[cheering continues]

The next time you fill out
a census report,

you better put
"Black of Non-Hispanic origin."

Do you hear me?
White folks, we're taking her.

- What's your name?
- Karen.

- What?
[laughter and applause]

[laughs]

That's how you know
a joke works, motherfucker.

[laughs]

Oh, we're taking Karen.

And, uh, we're leaving y'all
with Nick Cannon.

So enjoy that shit.

I'm Jay Pharoah.
That's my time.

Thank y'all so much.

* Big track up
'cause I'm about to go, cool *

Yeah, man!

* I gotta get this together

* But my wild side
was like whatever *

* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

Let me just--hey,
you wanna give me some love.

Give me some.
Give me some love.

Give me some.
Give me some elbow, God dang it.

Get you some elbow.

* I got a question,
what you do better *

He was like, "Throw them bones.
Throw them bones."

* I just lied to the big man
I spoke to *

* I gotta get this together

* But my wild side
was like whatever *

* My mom said,
Jay, I'm worried *

* Baby, you need to get
your life together *

* Well, Mama, do you know
the pressure *

* Of life's pleasures
when them nuts sweat you *

* When you play a dark room