All language subtitles for FC77

(mellow woodwind and bass instrumental)

(music cont.)

(mellow instrumental music cont.)

(cars humming)

(horns honking)
(cars humming)

(birds chirping)

(cars humming)

- Harry?

Harry!

(pad slapping)

(heels clacking)

Harry, are you in there?

(knuckles knocking)

Harry, I'm coming in.

(Harry snoring)

(Harry snoring)

Coffee in the office.

(Harry snorting)

If we don't pull our fingers
out, we'll miss the deadline.

See you there.

(Harry groans and clears throat)

(footsteps pattering)

(door clicking open)

(footsteps pattering)

(door clicking open)

- Sorry.

It's a habit I picked up when I was a cub.

In those days, it was the only way

to get through a night shift.

(Harry sighs)

(Harry grunts)

I'll tell you, look at all this crap.

Fifteen years on the job and
it still comes in every week;

the same tales of woe, hardship,

heartbreak and confusion. (laughs)

And each week we print the same snappy,

sharp, cynical advice.

- Some of it must be fun, Harry.

- It's all so our lecherous little readers

can click their tongues in comfort

over their Sunday morning coffee. (laughs)

Half of it's bullshit.

And the rest...

well, half of that's made up as well.

- You're just an old cynic.

Anyway, I'm here to take the load now.

Come tomorrow, you'll be
out in the bay fishing.

You need never have to
worry about it again.

- Oh, you're right,
you know. I'll miss it.

Fifteen years as "Dear Colette."

It's gotta rub off on you, somehow.

- I suppose they'll keep
me as "Dear Colette," too.

- Ah, yes, in the troubled
eyes of our loyal readership,

Colette is immortal. (chuckles)

Change the name and the myth would vanish.

- Be nice to get your own byline.

- Well, you'd have half the
creeps in town ringing up

making personal calls to the office.

Ah, Colette's better.

The switch knows how to deal with them.

- How?

- Putting them straight
through to Mildred.

- The tea lady?

- Yeah, what else do you think
she does between tea breaks?

(laughs) They'd the
sorry ones, believe me.

No one -- but no one -- out-talks Mildred.

(chair creaking)

Now you stick to Colette,
she served me well.

(letter rustling)

Red ink.
- Red ink?

- Yeah, dead giveaway.

Who writes with red ink anymore?

- Well.

- Well, no one, that's who.

Except my old red-handed mate.

Never misses a week. Same old words,

same old four-letter abuse. (laughs)

I never, ever open
official looking letters.

- Why not?

- Public service is full of them.

Well, here we go, then.

I'll have the first lucky dip.

(Harry humming)

(letter rustling)

- Here's cheers. (chuckles)

(thud)

(paper rustling)

"Dear Colette, perhaps you
could help me with a problem.

I guess you could say I've
led a fairly sheltered life.

One of my few pleasures is reading,

and so I often visit the
local library with a friend.

The librarian is very strict,
one of the old school,

and will not tolerate
any breach of the rules."

(books thudding)

- (whispers) Cindy.

(women laughing)

(keyboard glissando)

(women laughing)

(women muttering)

(moody keyboard instrumental)
(women groaning)

(women laughing)

(keyboard glissando)

(women laughing)

(woman gasps)

- Oh!

(women laughing)

Oh! (laughs)

(women laughing)
(pages rustling)

Oh! (laughs)

(woman gasps)

(moody keyboard cont.)

(women laughing)

(woman gasps)

(instrumental music cont.)

(belt jingling)

(unzipping)

(shirt fabric rustling)

(keyboard glissando)

(women chuckling)

(woman laughs)

(soulful instrumental music)

(pages rustling)

(soulful instrumental music)

(pages rustling)
(soulful instrumental music)

(skin slapping against skin)

(books crashing)

(woman gasps)

- "Since the incident,

I haven't dared go back
to the library again,

and I already owe $37.50
in fines for being overdue.

My life's a mess, my
friend won't talk to me,

and I'm reduced to buying paperbacks.

What can I do?

Signed, Bookworm."

- That's a good one.

Don't believe a word of it.
Still, it'll make good reading.

Now, let's see. Uh...

"Dear Bookworm,

I must say, your librarian
friend has a novel approach..."

Uh...

"...to come upon you like
that in the Greek section.

My advice is that you
get yourself a new friend

and slip it in later. The book, that is.

And that way, you'll be
able to dodge the fine

and..." uh..."get back to hardcovers."

Yeah, that'll do.

Now, one down, nine to go. Next.

"Dear Colette, I'm a college student

and a very keen gymnast.

Mr. Bates, our gym master,

has always taken a special interest in me.

He says I have a special aptitude.

A few months ago,

I was in the gym loosening
up on the trampoline

after classes when Mr. Bates came in

and gave me some coaching."

(trampoline springs squeaking)

(lock clicking)
(trampoline springs squeaking)

(lock clicking)

(trampoline springs squeaking)

- (Mr. Bates) There, now
we won't be disturbed.

- Yes, Mr. Bates.

- I've asked you to stay because, well...

I have hopes for you.

Yes, out of all my senior year students,

you're the only one that has any

aptitude to become a champion.

What I thought we'd do would be to

run through some of the basics, limber up,

and generally get to know each other,

so that as coach and pupil

we can reach a full understanding.

- That's very kind of you, Mr. Bates.

- Not at all.

Well, let's see.

What I thought we'd do
would be to start off

with something you're good
at. Say, the trampoline.

- Okay.

(trampoline springs squeaking)

(whistle blowing)

- No, no, Ms. Peabody.

We can do better than that, can't we?

- I guess so.

- Perhaps if you remove
that archaic costume,

you'll feel freer.

- But Mr. Bates, I'm
stark naked underneath.

It just wouldn't be proper.

- Am I your coach or not?

- Yes, you are.

- And are we going to work together

to get you onto that collegiate team?

- Yes, Mr. Bates.

- Then I suggest you do as I say.

- Of course, Mr. Bates.

- All the world's best gymnasts

train in the nude, Ms. Peabody.

One must be able to completely free

one's body for the task.

- What if somebody comes in?

- You saw me lock the doors.

Don't worry, we won't be disturbed.

- Well, if you say so.

(clothes rustling)

(clothes flopping)

- Now, let's see what you can do.

(trampoline springs squeaking)
(woman grunting)

(feet thudding loudly)

(Mr. Bates panting)
(feet thudding)

(Mr. Bates breathing heavily)
(feet thudding)

(Mr. Bates breathing heavily)
(feet thudding)

(body thudding)

(woman panting)

(hands clapping)
Well done, well done.

(Mr. Bates laughs)

I think we've had enough of this now.

(woman sighs)

Let's try the parallel bars.

- Okay.

(zipper sounds)

Here now, this is position
number one. (grunts)

Number two.

Number three.

And four.

(thud) (bars rattling)

Your turn.

Now, get up into this position.

Now, swing your legs up.

Let's see.

Start leaning forward.

(laughs) Come on, I'll hold you.

That's it.

Let's see.

Okay.

Swing up.

(laughs) Okay, come here. (grunts)

Let me show you one more time, okay?

Now, when you get into
the first position--

- There's just one thing, Mr. Bates.

- What's that?

- Well...

- Well, speak up, girl.

We've got to communicate freely

if we're going to work together.

- Well, how come I got to
work out naked and you don't?

- Well, because a man
is built differently.

He needs support.

- That sounds like a
chauvinistic remark to me.

(clothes rustling)

(gasps) Mr. Bates!

- Oh, no, Ms. Peabody.

- I didn't realize that they were so big.

- You mean you've never
seen a man naked before?

- Only my brother when I was younger.

My, they do grow when you
get older, don't they?

- Yeah, I guess they do.

- Well, now I'm all warmed
up. What else can we do?

- Well, I think we've done
enough for one evening.

- Oh, what a pity.

Just as I was starting to feel good.

- Say, we should finish up
with a darn good massage.

(mellow instrumental music)

(hands rubbing)

(mellow instrumental music)

(hands rubbing)

(oil squelching)

(mellow instrumental music)

(hands rubbing)

(woman sighing softly)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(woman moaning softly)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(woman moaning softly)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(Mr. Bates grunting softly)
(woman moaning softly)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(both sighing and moaning)

(mellow instrumental music)

(woman moaning softly)

(mellow instrumental music)
(hands rubbing)

(oil squelching)

(mellow instrumental music)
(hands rubbing)

(sheet rustling)

(mellow instrumental music)

(fabric sliding)

(heavy breathing)

(sheets rustling)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(oil squelching)

(oil squelching)

(oil squelching)

(sheets rustling)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(Mr. Bates moaning softly)

(oil squelching)
(mellow instrumental music)

(Mr. Bates moaning softly)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(Mr. Bates moaning)

(Mr. Bates groaning with pleasure)

(both moaning)

(hands rubbing)
(mellow instrumental music)

(Mr. Bates moaning)
(hands rubbing)

(oil squelching)

(both moaning)
(hands rubbing)

(Mr. Bates moaning)
(hands rubbing)

(both moaning)
(oil squelching)

(lips smacking)

(both moaning)
(hands rubbing)

(Mr. Bates hissing with pleasure)

(Mr. Bates moaning)

(uptempo instrumental music)
(both panting and moaning)

(both panting and moaning)

(funky, muted wah-wah guitar)

(woman moaning)

(Mr. Bates moaning)
(uptempo instrumental music)

(massage table creaking)
(uptempo instrumental music)

(both moaning)
(uptempo instrumental music)

(woman loudly moaning)
(uptempo instrumental music)

(woman moans)

- "After the workout, I felt
so relaxed I fell asleep.

When I awoke, Mr. Bates was gone.

Next day, I mentioned Mr. Bates'
marvelous training methods

to our gym mistress, Ms.
Stern, who was very impressed.

Since then, Mr. Bates seemed
to have lost interest in me

and spends most of his time
working up new routines

with Ms. Stern.

My problem is, how can I
make the collegiate team

without a coach?

Signed, Aspiring Gymnast."

I think she means perspiring.

(laughs) If that's a fantasy,

she sure put some
thought into it. (laughs)

Off you go, bright eyes.

- I'm not sure where to start.

- [Harry] See, it's not
as easy as you think.

- Well.

She's obviously without a coach now

that this Ms. Stern's moved in.

Maybe she should work out by herself.

- Careful, what would our
dirty-minded little readers

read into that?

- I suppose Colette's classic advice

would run to pushups
in the asparagus patch.

- Right on!

See, that's it.

Throw in a mention of the
horizontal bars and you've got it.

- Oh, charming.

I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.

Where's that bottle?

(glass clinks)

(alcohol sloshes)

I'll come back to that one.

I'll try another one.

"Dear Colette, I have a boyfriend

who is just mad about the drive-in.

Maybe I'm not normal,

but all that cuddly kid stuff
has just never turned me on.

On this particular night, I'd asked

two friends to join us."

(soft, percussive music)

"Safety in numbers, Mother used to say."

(moody, percussive instrumental music)

(lock clicking)

- No!

- Come on, Carol.

- I said no.

(instrumental cont.)

Bob, I came to watch the movie.

- We can do that too.

- No.

Ted and Alice, what will they think?

- Oh, they won't even notice.

- Don't look.

(moody music)

- Why is it that every time
we come to the drive-in

all you want to do is watch the movie?

I mean, you've seen this
thing before. Twice!

- I like this movie.

- You like every movie.

- [Carol] There's a time
and a place for everything.

- And this isn't the time?

- Or the place.

With all these people
around, it just isn't right.

- Obviously they're doing the same thing.

- Well, then I really don't see

why they bother to come to the drive-in.

(moody music)

(hands sliding against fabric)

(music cont.)

(papers crashing)

(slow, spacey music)

(zipper sliding)

(slow, spacey music)

(uptempo guitar music)

(hand slapping)

- Hey, what's that for?

- I want some popcorn.

(door clicking)

(footsteps pattering)

(uptempo guitar music)

(fabric rustling)

(man mutters)

(leather seats rustling)

(uptempo guitar music)

- Get in there.
(woman grunting)

(objects crashing)

- Look, if you're real nice

I'll give you a Coca-Cola afterwards.

- Wait a minute.

(woman screams)

Help!

(smack)

- I'll be gentle.

There's a tube of
Vaseline around someplace.

(hand slapping)

- [Woman] Help!
(hand slapping)

- My, what have we here?

- You've got a lotta nerve!

(woman groans)

(hands slapping)

(smack)

(quirky music)

(squeaking)

(woman moaning)

(group moaning)

(leather squeaking)

(soft music)

(lips smacking)

- "(V.0.) When it was all over,

I tried to find my boyfriend's car,

but he'd gone, and I had to walk home.

I haven't heard from him since,

and I wonder if I owe him an explanation.

I haven't heard from the
guy in the camper, either.

Please help. Signed, Waylaid."

Poor girl, to be set upon like that!

I do hope she wasn't injured.

- Injured?

The reason she hasn't
seen him since is probably

because he hasn't recovered.

There ought to be a law against it.

- There is, in case you'd forgotten.

You really are an old cynic.

I hope this job doesn't make me like that.

- Maybe you're right.

- Well, what do we tell her?

- Okay, uh...

"Dear Waylaid, it depends on
which types of show you prefer.

Now, your experience could have easily

turned into a late night horror movie.

Don't accept lifts from
strangers, even in a drive-in.

However, if your luck changes,

you might crack it for a
double feature." (laughs)

- You really can't be serious, can you?

- Oh, come on.

She enjoyed every minute of it. (laughs)

You can tell by the way
she writes it. (laughs)

- It's because of that sort of attitude.

- Look, I didn't ask her to write.

If she's really worried, she could have

called the police or something.

- Men.

- Look, love, if you
let this job get to you,

you'll go around a twist in no time.

Let's get on with it.

(paper rustling)

- "Dear Colette,

I work with a large
finance company downtown.

They call me a junior executive,

but really my duties are
more that of a filing clerk.

All day I'm surrounded by lovely girls,

typists and receptionists,

but none of them have ever
taken the slightest bit

of notice of me.

A few weeks back, it was a Friday.

I was riding the elevator
up with my last load

of files for the day."

(footsteps pattering)

(soft instrumental music)

(papers rustling)

(soft instrumental music)

(elevator chiming)

(elevator door sliding)

(soft instrumental music)

- Four, please.

(papers rustling)

(bass guitar instrumental)

(bass instrumental cont.)

(papers rustling)

(elevator humming loudly)

(soft instrumental music)

(elevator humming loudly)

(soft instrumental music)

(elevator humming loudly)

- Looks like we're stuck.

I've never been stuck like
this before. Anyone else?

What can we do?

- Just wait, I guess.

- This would have to
happen on a Friday night

when I've got a date.

- Yeah, me too.

- I could try the buttons.

Sorry.

(elevator humming loudly)
(man muttering)

(women laughing)
(objects banging)

(man shouting)

No, no!

(women laughing)
(files crashing)

- Remember New York City
and the big power failure?

- Nine months later, the
birth rate went up like crazy.

- They thought it was
the end of the world.

- Now, can you imagine
how that must've been?

- Yeah, you just have to.

- Have to what?

- You know.

- If you thought you were doomed to die.

- Oh?

On!

(elevator buzzing)

- But he's such a child.

- All the more fun.

- [Woman] But isn't that rape?

- We'll plead temporary insanity.

- With you, it's more like
permanent nymphomania.

- Are you jealous?

Come on, let's do it.

I'll grab his pants, you
get out of your clothes.

- Next time the lights go out.

(papers shuffling)

(elevator buzzing)
(women laughing)

(man) Oh!

- Wait, what?
(files crashing)

(uptempo music)

(women moaning)
(uptempo saxophone music)

(women sighing and moaning)

(breathy laughter)

(elevator buzzing)

(women moaning)
(uptempo saxophone music)

(women laughing)
(uptempo trumpet music)

(belt rattling)

(women moaning)
(uptempo music)

(elevator buzzing)

(women moaning)
(uptempo music)

(elevator buzzing)
(women moaning)

(panting)

(women moaning)
(elevator buzzing)

(elevator buzzing)
(women moaning)

(squelching and slurping)

(elevator buzzing)
(women moaning)

(squelching)

(panting and moaning) (elevator buzzing)

(elevator buzzing)
(women moaning)

(woman gasping)

(people gasping)

- Whoa.

- Uh, going down! Again.

(doors sliding)

- "Now, my problem is, how do I explain it

to the rest of the office?

I can hardly show my face.

What's more, I can't even
get into a lift alone.

They wait in the corridor for me

so that they can leap onboard.

Signed, Junior Executive."

Well, what do you think?

- Oh no, you have a go,
you've got to start somewhere.

- Uh, hmm.

"How do I explain it to
the rest of the office?"

Why bother?

"I can hardly show my face."

Who wants to look at your face?

"Why not bribe the elevator technician

to show you how to make it
get stuck like that again?

Until then, always take a cushion
with you as well as files.

The elevator floor must be
murder on your back." (laughs)

- Bravo, bravo!

Almost vintage Colette.

- Some of these descriptions
are a bit lurid.

We cannot print them as they are.

- Leave that to the sub-editors,
they're the experts.

Just enough to fire up the
imaginations of the faithful.

- Two hours to deadline. More coffee?

- Oh, no.

I'm okay with writer's ruin here. (grunts)

You go ahead.

- Drinking booze always
makes me a bit funny.

Especially in the middle of the night.

- I'll do one on my own while you're away.

Just for old time's sake.

(papers rustling)

"Dear Colette,

I've been friends with
Leslie for nearly a year now

since we met at ballet class."

(Harry clears throat)

"She's so much fun to be with
and so much less demanding

than a man.

The things we do together
take me right back

to those wonderful days
at boarding school.

And one afternoon,

a little while back
when we were out riding,

it was a beautiful day,
not a cloud in the sky..."

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

(horse hooves clicking)

(animal cawing)

(birds chirping)

(animal cawing)
(birds chirping)

(horse hooves clicking)
(animal cawing)

(birds chirping)
(gentle music)

(horse hooves clicking)

(water splashing)

(gentle music)

(animal cawing)
(birds chirping)

(horse hooves clicking)

(animal cawing)

(cork popping)

(woman exhales)

- Champagne?
- Oh, please.

(women grunting)
(hand rubbing)

- You ride like a perfect angel.

- Oh, you've taught me everything I know.

- Nah, I just taught you the basics.

I didn't teach you perfect balance.

Nor that fine seat.

(fabric rustling)

(sighs) Nothing like
a good ride to let you

know you're alive.

(woman grunts assent)

We sure have a great
time together, don't we?

- Yeah.

- Tell me, do you date a lot of men?

- Mm, not too many.

- Why not? You're so beautiful.

You must get lots of offers.

- Mm, there's a few around.

Men are so male, so dominant.

All they want to do is get you into bed.

So, what about you and men?

- I feel the same way you do.

Tell me, Bianca, do you
really like being with me?

- Yeah.

- I mean, being with me.

- Yeah.

- You see, I think of you and me

as a lot more than just having fun.

In fact, if you were to go
away or get tired of me,

I don't know what I'd do.

- I'm not gonna leave.

- But you're so pretty and
you're so much younger than I am.

- You're beautiful.

(birds chirping)

(lips smacking)

(shoes scuffling)

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

You're not ready yet.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, nothing.

- It's starting to rain,
we're gonna get soaked.

And so are the horses.

- Forget about the horses,
they're used to it.

(rain pouring)

(women yelping)

- It's like the sky just
opened up on the whole ranch.

(women sighing loudly)

Have some.
- Okay.

- You're gonna get a cold.

(heavy rain pattering)

(woman shivers)

Come on, help me with my boots.

- Oh.

Oh.

- You better take your shirt off

or you're gonna get a cold.

It's freezing.

(shivering) Ooh!

(shivering) Ooh!

(rain pattering outside)

- What beautiful breasts you have.

- Oh, I much more like yours.

They're so small and firm. Beautiful.

- Oh, but yours are...

- They're like watermelons.

My boobs are a drag.

Come on, let me help, off with your boots.

- Oh.

- Ah, they're tight.

Ah, help me.

(woman moaning)

- Ooh!

- Oh!

(boots thudding)

(woman grunting)

(women grunting)
(hay rustling)

(women laughing)

(women shivering and moaning)

(women cooing and sighing)

- You'll have to take those pants off.

(hay rustling)

They're all wet.

(women breathing heavily)
(zipper sliding)

(women panting softly)

(lips smacking)
(women moaning)

(frog croaking)
(insects chirping)

(hay rustling)

(frog croaking)
(insects chirping)

(insects chirping)

(women whispering)
(women moaning)

(lips smacking)
(women moaning)

(woman moaning loudly)

(loud sucking)
(women moaning)

(hay rustling)

(hay rustling)
(insects chirping)

(women moaning softly)

- Better get some straw.

Let them dag-burnt horses out

before it starts raining again.

(hay rustling)

Damnedest thing I ever saw.

Two fine mounts just left
standing out in the rain.

Nobody claim ‘em.

Least I can do is take
care of 'em and feed 'em.

(Harry inhales)

- "Whew boy, did that hurt.

But luckily it wasn't serious."

The worst thing was
explaining to the farmer

just what we were doing there,

‘stark naked' as he put it.

The problem is, now
that I have three scars

across my behind,

can you recommend a good plastic surgeon?

Signed, Punctured."

Whew, sure must have
cut down on her riding.

Hmm.

"Oh, any good plastic
surgeon should be able

to get to the bottom of it."

(papers rustling)

"In the meantime, has any
reader got a foam saddle?"

(thud)

- Interesting?

- No, just some tame, girly stuff.

Your turn.

(paper rustling)

- "Dear Colette, I'm fresh
out of business school,

and last week was my
first at a real office.

I was a little nervous for
a start, being a new girl,

but little did I know just how quickly I'd

get into the swing of things."

(typewriter keys clicking)
(phone ringing)

(woman clearing throat)

- Oh, Ms. Carter.

Mr. Clark would like to speak with you.

Mr. Clark?

Mr. Clark?
- Oh.

- Ms. Carter's here.

- Oh, Ms. Carter! I'm glad you came up.

I wanted to invite you to a
party at my house tonight.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.

I've already made plans--
- But you must come!

We've got everything ready.

- Yes.

Ms. Carter, I won't take no for an answer.

- I'll come.

Good.

All right, then. For now, I
guess it's just back to work,

and we'll see you later.

- Okay.

(phone ringing)

(Mr. Clark laughing)

Well, do you think Ms.
Carter's gonna show up

at our little party?

- Well, I sure hope so.

It wouldn't be a party without
the guest of honor, would it?

(guests laughing)

- I don't think so.

- Little does she know.

(Mr. Clark laughing)

Oh, here she is.

- Oh, Ms. Carter!

Well, I'm so happy you
could come to our party.

Why don't you just have a seat right here.

- Thank you.
- Hello.

- Hi.

- And would you like some champagne?

- Yes, please.

- How about some champagne, Mr. Davis?

You remember Mr. Davis
here, from the office.

And of course you remember
Tony, our office boy.

- Hi.

- Well now, did you enjoy your first week

at the office, Ms. Carter?

Ms. Carter! I said, did
you enjoy your first week

at the office?

- [Ms. Carter] Yes, I did.

The people seemed very friendly.

- (laughs) Oh, we're a very
friendly group here, Ms. Carter.

- What did you say your typing speed was?

- [Ms. Carter] Sixty-nine
words per minute.

- Sixty-nine!
- Sixty-nine!

(Mr. Clark laughs)

I wonder if you'll be able to type 69

under special conditions?

- Now then, Ms. Carter,

are you ready to begin
our special typing test?

- All set.

- Okay.

Now, Ms. Christie here is going to dictate

while you type, okay?
- Are you ready?

- Okay.
- Go!

- I, Ms. Carter, do hereby swear,

state, decree,

and promise to do everything

(man making motorboat sounds)
I am instructed to do.

(laughs) Today, tonight, tomorrow.

Oh, she's making so many mistakes.

And for ever more.

Henceforth.

(typewriter keys typing)

And in the future. (laughs)

- Stop!

- Wonderful!

You passed the test with
flying colors, my dear.

- Ms. Christie, if you'll
continue on with the tests,

I think that I'll go change
into something just a little bit

more fashionable before the others arrive.

- Oh, all right.

(man panting loudly)
- Excuse me.

(guests chattering)

(man making hog-like sounds)

- Mr. Davis?
- Hmm?

- Mr. Davis, come here,
let me talk to you.

Oh dear, here, wipe your mouth.

Now, I think we should devise
another test for Ms. Carter.

- Can I take you away from all this?

- I'd like to, but I
don't want to lose my job.

- Ms. Carter?

Ms. Carter, come here.

(gentle music)

We're going to prepare you
for your serving test, love.

Step up.

That's right, perfect.

Now, just relax. It's okay.

(fabric rustling)

You have too many clothes on,
it's too hot for all those.

Isn't that better already?

Get the back, I'll get this.

Just relax, put your hands
here, there that's good.

Put your hands behind here.

(clothes rustling)

(people chattering)

Get the other one.

I get to do this.

Right.

(lips smacking)

- No!

No!

(guests chattering)

- What?
- What?

- Wait a minute.

- We shouldn't have done this.

We shouldn't have done this to you.

- Thank you for rescuing me.

(lips smacking)

(gentle music)

(lips smacking)
(gentle music)

(zipper sliding)

(gentle music)

(clothes rustling)

(fabric sliding against skin)

(guests chattering)

- Not the best position,
but I guess it'll do.

- That's a lot like one of my friends--

- Hello, everybody!

- (gasps) Well, Mr. Clark!

- Aren't we cute?

- Do you like it?

- I've never seen that one before.

- I picked it out myself.

I got it from George's of Hollywood.

- Oh, love it!
- Oh, George's, yeah.

(Ms. Christie laughs)

- Well, hello there, Mr. Davis.

- Oh, Mr. Clark.

(lips smacking)

- Mm, that was nice.
- My, that looks pretty.

- What do you have under there?

- Not as pretty as yours.

- Well.

- Where's Ms. Carter?

- She flunked the serving
test, but she's passing others.

- Yes, I see she got to 69.

- (laughs) She did.

- Well, as long as she got to 69,

why don't we see what we can get to?

- Pardon me, Julie.
- Of course.

- Oh.

- Mm.

Those are so much better
looking than my own.

- Well, I've had them a lot longer

than you've had yours.

(lips smacking)
(couch creaking)

- Hm, there we go.

Let me help you with this one.

I just love to take off bottoms.

- Ooh.

- Allow me.

(fabric rustling)

- Top or bottom, let me have the top.

- Okay.

(soft music)

(loud slurping)

(loud slurping)

(lips smacking)

- That's nice.

Oh.

- Oh, we have Habano.

- Oh!

(soft music)

What is this?

- It's a cucumber. I'm a vegetarian.

- Well, now you can begin to eat meat.

- Yes.

(man grunting)

- A whip!

- You needed a new one.

- I did, didn't I?
- Yes, I know that.

- Well, that's a nice one.

And what have you got?

Ah-ha.

- Ooh hoo, yes, yes.

- Hmm, well.

- I don't know what
I'm gonna do with that.

- I do.

(man groaning)
(soft jazz music)

(loud slurping)
(man grunting)

(soft jazz music)

(man groaning and panting
(soft jazz music)

(group panting and moaning)

(man grunting)
(soft jazz music)

(panting and moaning)

(heavy breathing)

(men panting and grunting)

- "And then Mr. Clark--"

Maybe I shouldn't go on.

Surely that's too hot to print.

- (chuckles) Don't worry,
you get worse than that.

- [Woman] I can't believe
that this really happened.

- Most of them don't.

They just make it up to see
if they can get it printed.

Tell you what:

Put that one aside. If we
don't get anything better,

we'll clean it up later.

- Okay.

Some people sure have interesting lives.

- You do the next one, I
need to take a pee. (groans)

- Don't fall asleep again.

(paper rustling)

"Dear Colette,

My friends and I were at
the pool a while back,

making the most of the late autumn sun."

(water splashing)

(chair rattling)

(magazine slapping)

- Do you fancy him?

- No, do you?

- No, but I'd do him.

(chair rattling)

- [Jo] I bet he's got a
sword on him like a horse.

- Oh, Jo, you're so crude.

- Probably need a microscope to find it.

- No, you can see from his
shorts that he's built.

- He's probably just got old socks

stuffed down there to fool us.

- That's an awfully funny
shape for socks. (chuckles)

- I wonder why he's so
cold, so unapproachable.

- Yeah, he just sits there,
like he's made of stone.

- Do you know anyone who's been with him?

- Well, my sister has a
friend who has a sister

who has a friend who
said she dated him once.

And she said--

- Ah, you can't believe that.

- [Jo] Maybe he's queer.

- Could be.

You know, they appear tough and masculine.

The big macho bit.

- No, he couldn't be queer, could he?

I mean, surely it would show.

- Might be a closet queen.

- Well, whatever he is,

we might as well be the
three ugly ducklings

for all the notice he takes of us.

- There must be a way.

- [Woman] Why don't you
pretend to get sunstroke?

- Ha, funny.

All he'd do is call an ambulance.

- Hey, that's it!

- [Woman] That's what?

- I just had an idea.

- Well, come on!

- Why don't one of us get out
there and pretend to drown?

He'll have to come out
then, and once he's there...

- Great, go to it.

- Hey, I wasn't volunteering,
I only said one of us.

How about Samantha?

- I can't swim.

- Well, that's even better.

It'll be all the more realistic
when you start to drown.

- Funny.

- Why don't we draw lots?

The long straw gets the job.

- Okay.

- Well, okay.

But I'm serious about
not being able to swim.

- Looks like you've got the job.

- Look, even if you can't
trick him into anything,

at least try and grab a handful.

I've just got to know.

- Charming. Well, what do I do?

- Wave your arms around, yell "help!"

He'll be in like a shot.

- Well, what about when he gets to me?

- Just let nature take its course.

(chair creaks)

- You sure this is right?

- [Woman] Of course it's
right! Get in there, kid!

(water sloshing)

- Help, help, help, help!

(funky bongo music)

Ah! Help, help, help!

(funky music)

(water splashing)

(funky organ music)
(water splashing)

(water splashing loudly)

(funky music)
(water splashing)

(water sloshing loudly)

(funky music)
(water splashing)

(music cont.)
(water splashing)

(water splashing)

(tray crashing)

(water splashing)
(funky keyboard music)

(water splashing)
(music cont.)

(water splashing)

(water splashing)

(water splashing loudly)

(water splashing)
(instrumental music cont.)

(lips smacking)

(water splashing loudly)

(whistle blowing)

(clink)

- "Now I'm worried in case the lifeguard

blows the whistle on us and
tells the pool authorities.

If we're not allowed into the pool,

I'll just never learn how to swim.

Yours, Sinking Fast."

(paper rustling)

Let's see...

"Why bother to learn how to swim?

Seems to me you're going to have much more

fun the other way.

Otherwise, join the divers' union.

Signed, Colette."

Hey, that's not bad.

- (sighs) Well, that's better.

How did you go?

- Okay.

Was one about learning
how to swim. The hard way.

(bottle clanging)

Tell me another one, Harry.

- Here we go.

"Dear Colette, I'm writing
to you about an experience I

had some time ago.

I was just 16 at the time,
but very naive for my age.

It was after the annual
family get together.

I was alone downstairs, doing my homework,

when I got to wondering where Mommy

and Uncle Fred had got to."

(gentle piano music)

(distant creaking)

(gentle piano music)

(rustling)

(distant creaking)

(gentle piano music)

(distant moaning)

(loud panting)
(gentle piano music)

(couple moaning)

(button unclasping)

(fabric rustling)

(woman panting)
(couple moaning)

(man hissing)

(couple moaning)

(woman loudly panting and moaning)

(couple moaning)

(man loudly moaning)

(man hissing)
(couple moaning)

(doorknob clicking)
(body thudding)

- Virginia!

- And just what do you think
you're doing there, Virginia?

(door thuds)

Well?

- Um.

(stammering) I...I'm
wondering where you were.

- I see, I see.

I think it's about time your mother

had a little frank talk with you.

- Really, Fred, this is
hardly the time or the place.

- Come now, Frances.

You owe your stepdaughter an explanation.

- (sighs) When I married
your daddy four years ago,

you were already grown up.

Did your real mother ever
explain to you certain things

about men and women?

- Well, Daddy left Mommy
when I was still young,

and he took me with him.

- Yes, yes, I forgot.

Well, would you like to ask
me any questions about...

- Why Uncle Fred's here?

- Partly that.

What I mean is....what we were doing here.

- Oh, you mean the screwing.

I know all about that.

- Oh?

- But what I don't understand was

what Uncle Ben was doing
standing by the bed.

- Oh dear.

Well.

- That, my dear, is just
another part of lovemaking.

We must use our bodies
in all sorts of ways.

We must treat our bodies
like the finely-tuned

instruments they are.

(lips smacking)

We must not be ashamed of anything

our bodies find pleasure in.

(lips smacking)
(hands rubbing)

(fabric rustling)

(lips smacking)

(hands rubbing)

No, no, my dear, let's not be selfish.

How about Frances?

- Frances?

- You see, you better
stop calling her Mommy

because she's not your real mother.

Why don't you treat
her like a real friend?

(bedsheets rustling)

(lips smacking)

(bed creaking)

And now, my dear, why I was
standing by the bed before

was so that Frances could kiss my...

- Your...your...?

- [Fred] Precisely.

(lips smacking)
(mouth slurping)

(slurping continues)

(gentle piano music)

(water bed sloshing)

(water bed sloshing)

(gentle piano music cont.)

(sound of skin against skin)
(gentle piano music)

(soft slurping sounds)
(gentle piano music)

(slurping)

(bed sheets rustling)

(gentle piano music)

(stuffed toy thuds)

- "Now that I'm older,

I find I'm hopeless in bed
unless I have Fluffy watching.

Some of my dates are beginning to wonder.

How can I make Mommy and
Uncle Fred give him back?

"Signed, Restless."

- She should have stuck
with happy families.

The family that plays
together, stays together.

I guess she just has to leave home.

- I don't think

Uncle Fred would go for
that. (clears throat)

- And we can suggest she
stops playing with her Fluffy.

My heart bleeds.

That'll do.

(paper rustling)

(more paper rustling)

"Dear Colette,

I don't quite know how you define a virgin

when you're referring to a
guy. All guys masturbate."

Can we get away with that, Harry?

- Yes, sounds like a medical term.

They're always good value.

- Oh, where was 1?

"Masturbate -- but until
the other day, I hadn't

scored properly with a girl.

Carol and I had taken
a ride to the country,

and we'd found a spot to neck a little."

(birds chirping)

(clothes rustling)
(lips smacking)

(birds chirping)

- Now, Sterling,

we're not going to start
that again, are we?

- Carol, there's no one around here.

No one's gonna come.

- That's for sure.

- (sighs) Look, we've been going
steady now for three years.

Don't you think that we should
get into something more?

- Sterling, you know I
swore on Mother's death bed

that I would remain a virgin
until the day I married.

- Jesus, Carol, if my nuts get any tighter

I'll be able to use them as golf balls.

And they hurt.

- I can't help that.

- Come on, Carol.

It's not like you're
going to get pregnant.

You're even on the pill.

- Mommy told me to take them
in case I ever got raped.

- Rape?

Raped?

I should be so lucky.

- Now, Sterling, get a hold of yourself.

- That's the whole goddamn problem.

I spend too much time holding myself.

(engine revving)

You don't think I understand.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

You're not the only one, you know.

- It's perfectly all right with me

if you take other girls out.

- That's not what I mean.

(tires rumbling)

I was saving myself for you, big deal.

- You don't mean?

- Yeah, I'm a goddamn virgin, too.

(engine revving, tires rumbling)

- Saving yourself, huh?

Poor baby, let Momma help.

(motor humming)

(belt unbuckling)
(funky bongo music)

(zipper sliding)

(funky music)

(tires screeching)

(slurping)

(tires screeching)

(slurping)

(tires screeching)

(slurping)

(tires screeching)

(lips smacking)
(belt rattling)

(engine humming)

(tires screeching)

(funky jazz music)
(belt rattling)

(tires screeching)

(jazz music cont.)

(tires screeching)

(slurping)
(jazz music cont.)

(tires screeching)

(wet sucking sounds)
(jazz music cont.)

(tires screeching)

(wet sucking sounds)

(tires screeching)

(engine revving)

(slurping)
(funky bongos)

(car crashing)
(metal clanging)

(wet sucking sounds)

(woman panting and gasping)

Bust all over me!

Oh, what a shame to waste
such a beautiful thing.

(seats creaking)

(wet sounds)

- "Since then, I can't get
it off unless I'm in the car,

laying Carol across the back seats,

just like in the country.

And she needs a fast
drive to get her going.

The neighbors have got together a petition

to run us off the block.

They say the noise of the
wheelies is keeping them awake.

What's more, they say I
have to put up a fence

so they can't see what
we do in the driveway.

Help, Backseat Driver."

Let's see.

"Dear Backseat Driver,

Forget the car, take the
seats into the house,

and get some old, oily
rags so it smells the same.

Better still, keep
doing what you're doing,

but have someone sell the
neighbors tickets to watch.

Signed, Colette."

What a load of rubbish.

- (grunts) Well, I told you, didn't I?

(paper rustling)

- Now, I never tried that before.

Must be awfully hard on your back.

How are we going for numbers?

- Oh, nine so far if you
count that gang bang number we

said we'd leave till later.

- Okay, lucky last.

(papers rustling)

Let's hope it's a juicy one.

- No, no, you read it.

(paper rustling)

- "Dear Colette,

I was always brought up a
strict Catholic, and I've always

tried to live by the strict
teachings of the church.

But lustful thoughts about boys I know

seem to occupy my mind.

Until recently, I'd never
let a boy even touch me,

but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

One day I thought I just had to

visit the church to confess."

(heels clacking)

(solemn organ music)

(heels clacking)

(solemn organ music)

(heels clacking)
(solemn organ music)

(door creaking)

(solemn organ music)

- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

(solemn organ music)

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

- [Priest] Yes, my child?

- I have sinned, Father.

- [Priest] Yes, my child.

- I've harbored secret lusts.

- [Priest] Go on, my child.

- Well, I am a virgin, Father,

as the teachings of the church

would have me remain until I'm married.

- [Priest] Absolutely, my child.

- But, I have lusted after a man.

- [Priest] Who is this man, my child?

- Oh, don't make me tell you that.

- [Priest] You must for your
sins to be fully forgiven.

- Well, it's Joe.

Joe, the church janitor.

- It is perfectly natural
for a healthy, young woman

to feel like that.

- [Imogene] That's not all, Father.

- Go on.

- [Imogene] Well, I've
committed a sin of the flesh.

- But you are a virgin, my child.

- Oh, yes.

Well, I've committed
the sin of self abuse.

- [Joe] When was this, my child?

- At night.

- [Joe] Last night?

- Every night.

- Every night?

(clears throat) Every night?

- Yes, Father.

I lay in bed and I think of Joe and...

I just can't help myself.

I just can't resist and... (sighs)

Oh, Father, I'm so wicked.

I just...

(sighs) I'm beyond forgiving.

- Of course you are not, my child.

Touching oneself is
not such an evil thing.

- [Imogene] That's not all, Father.

- What else, then?

- Well, I don't just touch myself.

Well, sometimes I use...

- [Joe] Yes, yes.

- Well, sometimes I use these rubber...

- Device?

- Yes, Father.

Oh, how I've sinned, how wicked I am!

Father?

- You will be forgiven.

Go to the sacristy and await me there.

Kneeling, and with your face hidden.

- And I will be forgiven?

- Yes, my child.

- Thank you, Father.

(solemn organ music)

(heels clacking)
(door creaking)

(solemn organ music)

(distant banging)

(solemn organ music)

(footsteps pattering)

- Now, we will kneel together and pray.

- Yes, Father.

- You must relive this sinful experience.

- Yes, Father.

- You must abase yourself
in the eyes of the Lord

and appear truly repentant.

(fabric rustling)

- I will.

- And keep your face hidden.

- Yes.

- Now, remove your undergarment.

(fabric rustling)

Now,

recount your sin.

- Well.

I lie in bed at night and I think of Joe,

and I think of him being hard.

And I think of his smell.

And I think of his maleness.

And I think of his foxiness,

and I just can't help myself.

(heavy panting)

Oh, that church janitor.

- Go on.

You must speak freely in
the hearing of the Lord.

- (sighs) Well...

I think of his cock

and I think of it...

(woman moaning)

Oh Father!

On!

On!

Oh, I didn't think it was
like this. (gasps in pleasure)

- All right, my child.

- Oh, oh!

- [Joe] One.

- Oh, you go on. (laughs)

On!

Oh, it's much better with a man! (shouts)

On!

On!

Oh, Father, Father!

(loud moaning and panting)

Oh, oh! (moaning)

Oh! (moaning)

Oh, oh!

(woman moaning)

(heavy breathing)

Joe! Oh! (moans)

Oh my. (moans)

On!

On!

Forgive me! (laughs)

(woman moans)

Oh, oh, oh!

Give it to me!

Oh, oh, oh! (laughs)

Oh! (laughs)

- "Altogether, it was an uplifting
and spiritual experience.

I've never known such joy.

My problem is, how do I
know who is going to be

in the confessional next time?

Signed, True Believer."

(bottle thudding)
(paper rustling)

"Dear, True Believer.

Does it matter?"

How was that, Harry?

Short and sweet, eh?

Harry?

(paper rustling)

(paper rustling)

"The new girl in the office."

Now where were we?

(paper rustling)

(people moaning)

- Freeze!

Freeze!

(people moaning and panting)

(man grunting)
(couches creaking)

(hand slapping)
(men grunting)

(man panting)

(man grunting)

- [Man] What a great tightness. (laughs)

(mellow woodwind and bass instrumental)