All language subtitles for Uncle Roger THE HAIYAA SPECIAL Full Show (w_ Nigel Ng) - English -generated)

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Fo,

[Applause]

hello Boston niece and nephew. How are

we doing?

Nice. Nice. So many people. Look at

this. Ha. Co over now. Take off your

face mask. Take off your face mask.

Don't be [ __ ] Just get coa.

It just cough. It just cough. Correct. I

want you to cough on your neighbor right

now.

[Laughter]

Remember, you can't get co if you don't

test.

[Applause]

See, Uncle Roger smart. Look at this

orange polo. Look at this. Stand up.

Stand up. Stand up. We MSG. My little

figurine. Oh my god. Look at this.

Camera see them. Yeah. Good. Good. You

bring MSG. You bring my figurine. Okay.

We got two virgin in the front row.

Nice. Nice.

[Applause]

You both got girlfriend. You both got

girlfriend.

I I do.

You do? Oh [ __ ]

Where your girlfriend? Where your

girlfriend?

Uh when I bought this ticket, I didn't

You bought this ticket, but you didn't

buy for her.

Ha.

But you buy ticket for him.

Who is that guy? Who is he?

Francis high school. Your girlfriend

know you guys hanging hanging up.

Hanging up.

Dress the same. You watch my video

together.

Little nephew. Just come out the closet.

Come out the closet, please.

in 2022. We accept you. We accept you.

What your name? Nephew? What your name?

Gary.

Gary. Nephew Gary. You good? You're

doing good with your friend?

Even better after seeing me. Fu. Nice.

Nice. What you do, nephew Gary? You

student, you studying, you working. What

you do?

Study in in here. I

study here.

You went to B. You went to BEu. Hi.

Don't you study in Boston? Have to go

Harvard. Hi.

If you go to PEU, you [ __ ] up. Hi.

[Applause]

Where are you from? Are you from Boston?

Uh, originally from Guangjo.

Guangjo, China.

China. Okay. China. Nice. Nice.

China. Good country. Good country. Good

country. Good country.

Woo.

We have to say that now. Correct.

Oh, their phone listening. Oh, their

phone listening.

This nephew got Huawei phone. They all

listening.

[Applause]

You use ExpressVPN.

[Applause]

Nice.

[Applause]

Don't let your government hear that,

please.

Or our phone tap into it. Long live

presidency. Long live presidency.

Uncle Roger. Social credit score going

up.

Nice.

From China. Okay. Anyone? Anyone? Any

niece and nephew from Taiwan?

[Applause]

Not a real country. Not a real

Not a real country.

I hope one day you rejoin the

motherland. One China.

No, no, don't clap too hard. This not

political show. No, don't clap.

Uncle Roger going to get cancelled after

tonight.

Nice. Right. Good report for Uncle

Roger. Okay. Dear CCP, Uncle Roger, good

comrade. Good comrade.

Don't make him disappear, please.

and your parent both in China also.

Okay. You know when you study in Boston

and you go to Harvard, you go to MIT,

your parent back in Asia will say to

their relative and their friend, oh my

son, my son go to MIT, my son go to

Harvard. But if you study here and you

go to BEu,

your parent back home, my son, my son,

he my son, he studied in America. In

America,

I forget where now. I forget where.

What you studying at BU?

Uh I used to study hospitality.

Used to study hospitality.

Okay. And what you change your major to

now?

Finance.

Finance. Okay.

Hospitality to finance. Good. Good.

Somebody start to like money already.

Good.

Anyone actually go to Harvard? Anyone

Harvard?

Harvard. MIT.

See that what success look like. See,

Uncle Roger, recently I meet Gordon

Ramsay.

Our special guest on his TV show Hell's

Kitchen.

Yeah. And other special guest on the

episode is Tony Hawk.

And Uncle Roger go Gordon. Why you ask

Tony?

He's skateboarder. He don't know [ __ ]

about food.

Might as well ask Jamie Oliver. Hi.

That guy so terrible. Correct.

Any Jamie Olive oil fan here?

What?

Camera catch her.

Camera look at her face. We all going to

punch. Oh, camera. Camera there. Good.

Good. Remember, not her. Not her.

Don't punch innocent people. H. Yeah,

that one. Correct. You're going to get

punched at this show.

Why? You like Jamie Olive O. Why?

I like his accent.

You like his accent?

Okay, good. At least you don't like his

food. Good, good, good, good.

[Laughter]

Uncle Roger, recently I reviewed Jamie

Oliver Thai green curry video. And then

few month ago Jamie changed title of

that we joke from Thai green curry he

changed to Jamie green curry

and Uncle Roger go Jamie the name not

the problem

[Applause]

change name all you want we still know

it's [ __ ]

and also Jamie back in March Jamie on

Twitter he say oh due to ongoing crisis

in Russia and Ukraine I going to close

all my restaurant in Russia and Uncle

Roger replied Jamie if you want to hurt

Russia

Keep them open. Keep them open.

In fact, open more restaurant. Open

more. We get Putin to go eat there. He

going to kill himself. Open more.

We poison him with chili jam.

That why Uncle Roger and Gothan we best

friend now? Because we both hate Jamie

olive oil.

Found lamb sauce.

What

did you find his lamb sauce?

Did I find his lamb sauce? No. No. Don't

bring up Goth and catchphrase. A

different show. Hia.

But thank you. Thank you for your

contribution, little nephew. Remember

there no extra credit for this show.

Don't try so hard.

Try so hard for what? Still stuck at Beu

High.

[Applause]

You're definitely going to be in the

special. You're definitely going to be

in there.

Goten so nice to Uncle Roger. When we

meet Gautton so nice, he gave Uncle

Roger four walk four. Yeah. And in any

other circumstance that would look

little bit racist.

That's Gordon giving Chinese uncle four

walk here. Here here you go. take back

to your people. Take back to your

people.

And then God say, "Oh, don't worry,

Uncle Roger. I'm going to ask my

assistant to mail the walk back to you

in London." And Uncle Roger go, "No

[ __ ]

I'm not going to bring four walk with

me. Walk through airport."

People see that they're going to say,

"Hia, we know you Asian. We know.

Don't try so hard. Walk [ __ ] boy." Hia.

How long you guys dating now?

Seven years.

Seven year. Full year.

Married two months.

Married two months. Oh, congratulation.

Nice.

So new. Good. How you guys met?

Marching band.

Marching band.

Is that the lamest way to meet someone?

Hi. Yeah. Marching band. People still do

that [ __ ]

What year is this? What instrument you

play in the marching band?

Snare drum.

Snare drum.

So niece Crystal, you date the snare

drum player in marching band. Nobody

else want to date that?

Okay. And you in marching band also? N

Crystal.

Which one? What instrument you play?

I was in the color guard.

You were in the color guard?

Yeah.

What that mean? What that mean? The very

American thing. What is color cut? You

cut the color.

You spin the flag.

You spin the flag.

I uh

Uncle Roger didn't know there was

something more useless than snare drum

in maring.

I spin the flag.

Are there any vegetarian niece and

nephew vegetarian?

Yeah, you Oh, no. Why?

You come to wrong show. Hi. It okay. We

accept people with mental illness at the

show. It okay.

[Applause]

How long you've been vegetarian now? Let

me rephrase that. When was last time you

feel joy?

That why Uncle Roger like America? You

know in Texas, Uncle Roger go to Texas.

Texas barbecue. My favorite thing. You

know why vegetarian go in there, nothing

they can order.

They try their best. They get colored

green, but then they go, "We put bacon

bits in there." [ __ ] you wagon. [ __ ] you

vegetarian.

But you have a lot of Asian food, Asian

restaurant all over Boston. But sometime

it too trendy. Now Uncle Roger go to

this one Thai restaurant. I order my

food and then waitress asked me if I got

any food allergy.

What the hell is that?

Uncle Roger from Malaysia. We don't care

about that.

You come to my street food store, you

eat peanut and thigh.

I just pack my [ __ ] up and cycle away.

Just walk over to the guy. Hia. Why so

weak? So weak. Little peanut [ __ ] you

up. Hi.

[Applause]

Walk it off, [ __ ] Walk it off. Don't

seizure. Just breathe. Just breathe.

I don't know why I still talking to him.

It did for 7 hour now. Just breathe.

You guys allergic to everything. You

have this thing gluten allergy. You

scare bread.

Can go to skydiving, go to marathon, but

you can't have baguette.

You scare peanut. You scare bread. I

walk down street here throw peanut

butter sandwich at people.

Just kill half the white people.

No more traffic jam for you.

[Applause]

Nephew Nigel, he going to come to stand

up later. He he even worse, he got this

thing seasonal allergy.

Hay fever. Yeah. Pollen. [ __ ] him up.

Young people his age, they go out, they

do cocaine, they do molly. Nephew Nitro

go out, he do benadryil.

Any other university student? Any other?

Ah, nice. Which uni? Which uni?

What?

Britney.

Britney.

Is that a university here?

University of Massachusetts law school.

Oh, okay. You thought I asked you what

your name and you say Britney.

That how I know she don't go to Harvard.

That how I know I uh

you don't listen Britney.

This whole gang the same [ __ ] this whole

table.

What?

Related.

You all related. That explained a lot.

What instrument you play in the marching

band?

And I also was in the front ensemble.

Your color guard and front ensemble.

Okay. What front ensemble do?

Um auxiliary percussion.

Auxiliary percussion.

So you're not even good enough to play

snare drum.

You have to stand next to him. Play

triangle.

Anyone here? Little children. Little

children. Where? Where? Don't be shy.

Don't be

up here. Anyone I can't see up there.

If you too poor, Uncle Roger not talking

to you. H

Uncle Roger only talking to expensive

seat people. Look at this. Look at this.

Any younger kid with their parent, we

always get some young children. Oh,

there you are. Hello, little nephew. How

you doing? How old are you?

15.

15.

Oh no,

you're not supposed to be here.

Is that your mom next to you? Is that

your mom? Terrible parenting. Hi.

15year-old at my show. Do you watch my

Wejo together with your mom? You do?

Oh, but my Wejo got so much pounding.

You know what pounding is little nephew?

You know what?

You know what pounding is? Pounding is

this thing sometime your mom do with

your dad

and sometime your mom do with neighbor.

[Applause]

No, no. Pounding is how you make Thai

green curry

and children.

Nephew. 14-year-old nephew. What your

name?

Casey.

Nephew Casey. Okay. What you want to be

when you grow up?

I don't know.

You don't know? Just think of something.

No.

Architect.

Architect. Nice. Nice.

All right. Good. Good job.

Better than snare drum player.

Yeah, they actually contribute to

society.

They don't just go

and then the girlfriend waving the flag

around.

[Music]

Okay. And this girl next to you that

your sister? No, just random woman.

Okay. Not related. Okay. And uh nephew

Casey. Mom, how how many children you

have?

Two. Which one? The favorite.

Just say Casey. He the only one here.

Oh no.

Casey, you're definitely not the

favorite.

Just lie, mom. Just lie.

Anyone from Malaysia? any niece and

nephew from

so exciting.

Okay, nobody talk to you all day. Is it

finally some attention?

You look like that balloon guy outside

car dealership.

What your name? Malaysian niece

Yasmin.

Nie Yasmin. Okay. From Malaysia. What

part?

Kala Lump.

Koala Lumpur. KL. That where Uncle Roger

from? What neighborhood? What area?

Subang.

Subang. Ha. [ __ ] [ __ ]

Subang. Like the Torchester of Malaysia.

[ __ ] [ __ ] ho.

[Applause]

What you doing here? Nas mean

my son

over again.

This your son? What?

Married to a white guy.

You got married to white guy.

Why you sound so bitter about it?

He right there. He right there.

Oh, not him. He just random white guy.

Okay.

Different white guy for N Yasmin. Nice.

Okay. Nas mean what you do for work?

I'm in the pharmaceutical industry.

Pharmaceutical industry. Okay. So, truck

dealer. Truck dealer.

What your favorite drug? Which one?

People are sick. We are very glad that

there are lot of sick people. You are

very

Did you hear what she say? We make drug

for people who are sick. So we happy.

There are a lot of sick people.

Oh my god.

This terrible person. Camera make sure

catch her face. Catch her face.

She the face of opioid crisis in

America.

Niece Yasmin from Subupang Koala Lumpo,

Malaysia.

Any chef in the bottom bottom section?

Chef over there.

Me?

Yeah.

I used to work at Domino's if you count.

Domino.

[Applause]

This show is just bunch of failed chef

in the audience.

Domino. You call yourself chef.

Microwaving is not cooking. Okay.

What kind of food you make? Diarrhea.

What?

Close enough.

What?

Close enough.

Close enough. What you do at Domino? Are

you the guy making the pizza?

I did everything.

You did everything. That the problem

with Domino.

The same guy making the pizza, taking

your phone call, delivering your pizza.

You work with him. Used to work with

him.

Okay. And so did you. The whole Domino

gang is back.

Who taking order for the pizza now?

No, nobody working at Domino now. Is

that why you always take so long? In the

middle of shift, you just go watch

comedy show. I

get the good seat.

Get the good seat. Oh, that good.

Pay them well.

Uncle Roger love your seafood here.

Sushi is everywhere in Boston also.

Correct. You even have this conveyor

belt sushi restaurant. You know why you

turn our art into package claim? Why?

The only good thing about conveyor belt

sushi is they don't tell you price of

sushi. The price is just color of plate.

Uncle Roger like that because [ __ ] the

color blind people.

They go in there, they don't know what

happening.

They go, "Why is gray $8? Gray also $10.

Gray also $15. What the hell?

But sushi getting too mainstream now.

Uncle Roger live in UK. Over in UK, you

can get sushi at pharmacy.

Yeah. Terrible. Imagine Japanese sushi

chef. They go to UK on holiday. They go

walk in there. Oh no. Look at this [ __ ]

Yamakuchi, look at this [ __ ] They got

condom loop. Our life work. Hi.

First Godzilla, now this. No.

[Applause]

Don't buy sushi from pharmacy. Okay. I

think the people who buy sushi from

pharmacy are same people who will buy

dildo from Dollar General.

I know inconvenient but treat yourself

better.

Nephew Casey, you know what DTO is? You

know what DTO is?

14y old nephew. You know how you know?

You found your mom stash. Is it?

Just go into your mom drawer. Mom, what

is this? What is this? Mom, what is

this?

Why it's so big? Mom, why?

And why is it black? Mom, why it black?

Sorry children.

[Applause]

Ha. Okay. Okay. Nephew Casey. Uncle

Roger, feel bad making fun of you. I got

special present for you.

Back of MSG. MSG.

[Applause]

Get ready to catch.

Yes.

[Music]

Food is very important to us, right?

It's an important part of Asian culture,

right?

You even have a whole TV show about

Asians bringing food to other places.

It's called Border Security.

If you don't know that show, they check

people's luggage and the rest of the

world smuggles cocaine.

We smuggle crispy pork.

That's a substance we can't live

without.

I love my crispy pork, man. That's my

favorite thing. And you know, I have

vegan friends who tell me, "Uh, do you

know pigs are really smart animals?"

And I'm like, uh, do you know smart

animals can still be tasty?

There is no correlation

between IQ and flavor.

If you can only eat dumb things, should

we start eating people by now?

Right? You walk into a McDonald's and

you ask, "Uh, what's on the menu?"

[ __ ] you.

We'll put you on the menu, Mac, idiot.

I live in the UK now, man. And the food

there is, oh boy.

So [ __ ]

British people, they colonized the whole

world at one point for spices

and they just forgot about them.

Go to the UK now, you'll think you just

got COVID because you can't smell or

taste anything.

and then realize, oh, it's just fish and

chips. Just fish and chips.

People are lazy when it comes to food

here, though,

right? Yeah. Especially in the Western

world, like anywhere you go, I know

you're lazy because you can go to any

grocery store here, you'll realize you

took food from every culture and made

them microwavable.

It's kind of impressive.

You invented a whole new cooking

technique called poke holes in film.

You know the technique we use for boba

use for all the foods.

Everybody has a microwave, right? That

you mount above the stove that comes

with too many [ __ ] buttons.

We only need one button on a microwave.

Plus 30 seconds.

[Applause]

Who the hell is using the keypad?

We see 5 minutes 30 seconds. Okayep.

I had a friend I saw a friend use Alexa

with his microwave.

How much lazier can you be?

You take the microwave food out the

fridge. Put it in the microwave. Close

it.

I can't go on much longer. This

Alexa, cook this [ __ ] for me, Alexa,

please.

Yeah. I used to live in America, right?

And now I live in the UK. And I don't

know. I prefer how straightforward you

guys are. In the UK, people don't really

tell you what you're thinking. They're a

bit passive aggressive about things, you

know? Like I before I did stand up

full-time, I had a day job. And one day

I microwaved fish in the office.

Yeah, I know now not to do it.

You don't tell foreign people that

either. Okay. It wasn't part of my visa

application.

Are you part of a terrorist group? Do

you microwave salmon? Checkbox.

It's the same checkbox, by the way.

So, I microwaved salmon in in the office

and this lady came up to me and she was

like, "Uh, did you did you microwave

fish in here?" And I went, "Yeah, sorry.

It's my salmon." And then she said,

"Huh,

interesting choice."

And now I know she just called me a dick

in her head.

That's what they're actually thinking.

And I travel a lot for this tour. This

is a great my first tour world tour

which is crazy. Uh I'm glad CO is, you

know, letting up now. Thank you.

I went full-time standup September 2019,

6 months before the pandemic. Right when

that guy ate that first bat,

that's when I went full-time. He's like

he was looking at my career. Oh,

changing careers. Are you?

And COVID was rough, man. There was a

lot of Asians getting assaulted, right?

Did that happen here in Boston?

Yeah, a little bit. I got punched in

London, which is crazy. I don't know. I

was I was just walking on my street. I

was a few doors down from my apartment,

right? This guy was on a bicycle. He saw

me. He jumped off his bike and then

walked towards me really aggressively.

And at first I thought he wanted a

photo.

I was like, "Oh, this guy's a nephew."

And the worst thing about getting

punched is when the police show up at

your house, they don't take their

[ __ ] shoes off.

I know. I forgot my pain for a second.

And I was like, "What the hell, man?

It's an Asian house. Look at my bare

socks." Officer, take the hint. I just

got punched. But this is a hate crime.

Got to take your shoes off. You go visit

your Asian friends place. All right.

Wasn't there a Wall Street Journal

article that went viral this year? And

the title was, "Here is why I'll never

take my shoes off in your shoeless

home." Yeah. And the author's main

reasoning, "Why do you assume my shoes

are dirtier than your floors?"

What?

Of course they're dirtier.

Have you seen outside?

That's where the [ __ ] tends to be.

And we step in [ __ ] What do we do? We

don't wash our shoes. We just find a

patch of grass and go, "Yeah, this will

fix it.

This will disinfect my shoes

adequately."

Grass has antibacterial properties.

Let's go into Nigel's house now.

So, police came to my place, right, to

take a report and also to take a DNA

sample off my face to try to catch the

guy. And they took a sample. They

analyzed it. And of course, they

couldn't find anything because the guy

punched me. He didn't come on my face.

What evidence you going to find?

And honestly, I would have let him do

that if that me could catch him, right?

Save an old Asian lady from getting

punched, right? Get a bukakei. Save a

grandma, please.

[Applause]

I wish in that moment I went I know you

just punched me sir but if you could do

one more thing

[Applause]

I'm not gay but I love justice.

[Applause]

You know, something I envy Americans

for, something I envy you guys for is uh

if you're born in the US, right, you can

completely [ __ ] up your lives here, be a

total loser here.

You can still go to Asia and teach

English.

[Applause]

What a great backup plan, right? You

don't even need to learn new [ __ ] Just

go.

There's some probably some poor kid in

Cambodia going, "Have you always wanted

to be an English teacher, sir?" Nah,

just this hospitality at BEu, so that's

why I'm here.

Tried to switch to finance, but still

couldn't get a job. So,

Yeah, English is your main language. One

main language. I like that. Right. In

Malaysia, we speak like three languages.

That's that's too many. Okay. You go to

watch any movie in any theater there,

there's three lines of subtitles,

one for each language, takes up half the

screen. As a kid, I went to watch

Titanic. Couldn't even see her tits.

The text was just blocking it. I'm like,

Jack, can you draw her in silence,

please?

Every time you talk, her tits disappear.

Jack,

shut the [ __ ] up. Shut the [ __ ] up.

This was the '9s. The only time I got to

see tits in a movie theater next to my

dad.

But things are different here. Move move

to the western world and nobody beats

their kids.

Do you do that here in Boston?

Yeah.

[ __ ] hell. That guy that guy loves

it.

You got kids?

No.

No. But you were beat.

And I succeeded. So

And you succeeded. Well, we'll be the

judge of that. What do you do?

I'm a robotic technical service

engineer. Robotic technical service

engineer. Okay, it sounds impressive.

What do you do dayto-day? You fix [ __ ]

Hey,

you work on robots uh for a large online

retailer.

Robots for a large online retailer.

So, you mean you do like the selfch

checkckout machine at Walmart?

That sounds about right. Stop fancying

up your title.

A little bit

what little bit more complicated. A

little bit more complicated than that.

Okay. Okay. Good. See, see what beating

your kids helps helps you achieve.

Every study that the people do here, oh,

psychologically it's not good to hit

your kids. I think you should ask like,

you know, they ask them, "Oh, were you

hit as a kid?" I think you should ask at

least two questions, you know? One, were

you hit as a kid? Two, did you know you

had it coming?

Right? We always [ __ ] knew, right? It

was never a surprise beating. Just

sitting there doing our homework

suddenly. Wait, what?

Every time I got beat, I know I [ __ ]

up. A few hours later, I was always

sobbing in the corner just, "Yeah, I

kind of deserve that. Should I have told

my dad to [ __ ] off?"

I was glad I was hit as a kid. It's the

only exercise my parents got,

just chasing me around the neighborhood.

I think parkour is invented by an Asian

parent.

whose kid trying to escape.

My dad even let me take Taekwondo

lessons as a kid. That's how confident

he was.

In his child's banking skills.

Yeah. Go learn self-defense. There's

still no match for my slipper.

I took Taekwond do. And guess what? I

just gave him another belt for him to

hit me with.

Yeah, it's a trap, people. He's got

enough belts. He hit me with a

reversible belt one time. He was like,

"Choose what color you want to be hit

with today."

[Applause]

Did you get hit with all sorts of stuff?

Everything.

Yeah.

Wooden spoon.

I know too.

You did taekwond do too.

You still lost your dad, right?

What?

I said, "Yeah, I whooped my ass." will

whoop my ass. We got hit all sorts of

stuff in the house, man. Feather duster,

right? Rice cooker paddle,

a ruler.

Yeah.

Yeah. What do you call the flip-flops?

The chunkletas.

That's what I learned. Yeah. I watched

the film Fifty Shades of Gray. I was

like, "My mom hit me with that. She hit

me with that. She hit me with that."

It's not a sexy film at all. It's not

like 50 Shades of Discipline.

I moved house last year. I still live in

London, but I moved to a different

place. I moved to uh to this street that

has a lot of old people because that

street has a street group chat.

And that's an old people thing to do.

They have time to just talk every day

about trees and birds and stuff. And I

know my street is full of old people

because one day there was a vintage

plane that flew across the neighborhood.

an old plane, super loud. Everybody

heard it. And then that group chat

[ __ ] came alive.

Old guys love their planes, man. They

knew how fast it was going, where it's

going to, where it's coming from, the

model, every single detail. And I was

like, where were you guys a few years

ago when we kind of needed your help to

locate

a missing

Malaysian plane?

We didn't need a black box. We needed a

white grandpa. That's what we needed.

Would have saved us so much trouble.

And one thing I like to get for my new

place, right? I like to get a bedet.

Yes.

Yeah. If you don't know what it is, it's

a hose you use to wash yourself after

you take a [ __ ]

Right.

In Asia, very common in Asia. You know

why we use a bedet in Asia? Because food

in Asia is [ __ ] spicy.

You have to hose yourself down

afterwards.

You ever try to use dry toilet paper on

a burning butthole? It hurts.

It stings, right? When a house is on

fire, you don't throw Kleenex on it.

You host down with water. Same

principle.

Because spice is the only flavor you can

taste twice.

[Applause]

special flavor. No other flavors like

that, right? What? Sweet. You eat ice

cream the next day on the toilet. Ooh,

salted caramel. Okay.

You know what they call a bedet in the

UK? A bum gun.

What kind of quaint British [ __ ] is

this? A bum gun.

I like that term, you know. Let's call

it a bum gun. Has the word gun in it.

You'll love that [ __ ] Everybody will

get one over here, right? Y'all can

prime a bum gun from a cold dead

butthole.

Who here's uh who here's been to Asia?

Give me a cheer. Nice

robotic child beater guy. Okay.

Where'd you go, man? Where'd you go?

Japan.

Japan. Nice. Nice. The beds over there

are amazing. Right.

Shinjuku.

What?

I stayed.

You stayed in Shinjuku. Okay. Nice. Just

thanks for all the information I didn't

ask for.

Anyone else been to Southeast Asia?

Anyone?

Nice. Of course you're Indonesian. Of

course you've been. Right. Where did you

go?

Vietnam. Did you get food poisoning

there?

No, you did. [ __ ] yeah. That's That's

the right way to do Asia, right? That's

always part of the itinerary, right? Day

one temples, day two [ __ ] yourself.

Asia is the only place where the more

food you eat there, the more weight you

lose.

You go there, you got to use the bedet,

okay? Go to Japan has great bets.

Everywhere in Asia, man, going to use a

bet because it's it's good. Try it.

It'll change your life.

You don't know how hard the water

pressure is, right? So, sometimes it's a

gentle cleanse.

Sometimes it's a [ __ ] jet stream just

sitting on the toilet.

Huh.

[Applause]

I guess sexuality is a spectrum after

all.

[Applause]

[Music]

Gender is fluid

and the fluid is water shooting up my

butt.

I'm not completely straight. I'm algae

bet.

But it's hard to get a bedet installed

in the UK. Nobody has it. But people

have this thing. I don't know what you

call it. I call it a European bedet, but

it's not a hose, right? It's a smaller

toilet bowl next to the main toilet

bowl. Have you seen this?

How do you use that?

So, you have to [ __ ] and relocate. What?

It's so far apart. Do I have to use ways

to find it?

I guess you just take a [ __ ] here and

then you have to crap walk over

to the second location.

[ __ ] dripping on your bathroom tiles.

You think you're taking a [ __ ] now you

have to mop the floor

or you get drunk and you [ __ ] in the

wrong one

and you're just standing there. What

have I done? No. Let me stomp on it. Let

me stamp it down.

And then you come to my house and you're

like, why do you assume my shoes are

dirtier than your floors?

[Applause]

So, get a day, guys.

You know, another reason I'm glad the

videos blew up, right, is because I was

working really hard on the comedy stuff

and the videos and everything. Uh, I

kind of gave up a whole marriage for it,

you know? So, lost the wife, gained a

blue tick.

You know, it's a good trade-off, right?

And uh when but we separated in well

when you want to get a divorce get it

out the way when you're young you know

when you have nothing. So you she takes

half my [ __ ] Okay take five of the

orange polos I guess.

We separated in 2019 and when she left I

knew she left for good because she even

took the la cruette.

Oh,

you know what that is? That beautiful

cast iron French casserole pot.

And that is commitment to leaving

someone because it's the heaviest thing

in the kitchen.

So, she's going, "Fuck you.

[Applause]

Don't touch me.

I'll come back for the duvet covers

later, you prick."

And to be fair, you should choose a

Lusette over your partner, okay? Because

it will outlast them.

That should be Luset's marketing slogan.

Husbands are temporary. This crockpot

forever.

Those things are indestructible, right?

You ever drop a Lacruusette on the

floor? The floor breaks.

You have to move house now.

The worst thing she did was she even

changed the Netflix password.

I know that is cold as [ __ ] right?

Take away my cookware and RuPaul's Drag

Race.

And here's how I told my mom, you know.

Here's how I told my mom because my mom

is one of those moms. She really wants

grandchildren. So every time we

FaceTime, she would drop subtle hints.

She would go, "Next time we come back to

Malaysia, it's going to be three plane

tickets.

Uh, [ __ ] one." So,

sorry, Mom. Unless I gain a lot of

weight, then two, maybe.

I want to do it back to her because my

mom and my dad, they're getting older

now, you know. So next time they come,

I'm going to tell them. Next time we

FaceTime, I'm going to tell them, next

time you come visit me in London, it's

going to be one plane ticket.

I can fly you business if it's one.

So much extra leg room for dad's ear.

These are jokes, guys. Relax.

Okay.

And when I was going through this whole

uh separation thing, right, my friend

told me to get therapy and she gave me

this therapist website. I went on this

website and there were typos on it. And

of all the words, she spelled depression

wrong.

That's kind of a key word, isn't it? She

spelled it D E P R like Johnny

Deppression.

Yeah. I took one session, right? It was

over Zoom and we talk we talked about

like overworking. I was like, "Social

media moves really fast. I worry if I

don't make videos, people will forget

who I am." And verbatim, this was the

therapist's response. She was like, "Do

you think people forget who you are? If

you forget who you are."

Oh,

cringe. What is this live, love, love

[ __ ]

It's a fridge magnet. what you're saying

and $150. That's what she's charging.

I'd rather get a massage with that

money, right? That's better for my

mental health. Love a good time massage.

All right. Don't [ __ ] laugh. I know

what you're thinking.

Think about the happy ending thing. I

know.

Hey, listen. Of course there will be

massage places that'll give you a happy

ending, right? The CD time massage

places, of course. But I like a good

legit time massage. Okay? And you know

if it's a good time massage, you're not

going to want a hand job afterwards.

If you had a good time massage before,

you know it's [ __ ] agony,

right? She's walking on your back. She's

cracking your spine. You're in such

pain. I've never gone, I'll give you $30

more.

Do what you just did.

Put on my dick.

Destroy it, please.

So, sir, just relax.

[Music]

Yeah, I don't want children anyway.

[Applause]

Thank you for the scary ending.

Well, $30 for no kids, you kind of end

up saving money in the long run, right?

So

maybe it's a good thing.

So So I have to start dating people

again. And it's weird. I'm I'm 31 this

year. Oh, thanks. Okay. I'm 31 this

year. And recently I went out with

someone who was born in the year 2002.

Yeah. 20. I know. Legal but creepy. I

know.

I'm not a pedophile. Okay, there are no

Asian pedophiles. You know why? Our

women look 12 their whole lives.

We don't need to touch an illegal one.

Can easily have 12 year old looking 35

year olds.

That's why pedophilia is stereotypically

a white thing

because you guys age horribly.

[Applause]

I can kind of see where the pedophiles

are coming from.

You must without wrinkles. What are your

options? Asian women or white child?

That's it.

So, I'm single again. That's all I'm

saying.

Like that kind of jokes.

Any pedophiles in

Okay, that's a trap. That's a trap.

We'll catch them one day like that. One

day you'll hear someone go, "Yeah,

I love me some kids. Yeah,

I like my women like I like my books."

Young adult. Yeah.

That's my next video. Uncle Roger

Reviews pedophiles.

Cuz ha, why you touch kid? Touch grown

adult. Don't touch kid. Touching kid

like eating mango that not ripe yet.

Hia.

[Applause]

Put in plastic bag and wait.

All right. Listen. The only good thing

about going out with a 20-year-old is

when they talk, you don't really have to

listen.

Because you know you're not missing

anything important,

right? Men or women, right? Think back

when you were 20. Have any important

thoughts? [ __ ] no.

What can she possibly say that made me

go, "Oh, never thought about it like

that before." That's a very nuanced take

on the energy crisis.

All the 20-year-olds getting salty now.

The crown. I'm different.

I like Billy Eyish. I'm different.

That's okay.

Okay, I know 20 is too young, right? I

know because we went to a bar. Craig

David came on. You know the singer Craig

David? I I said to her, "Oh [ __ ] I like

Craig David." And she went, "My mom

loves Craig David."

Well, give me your mom's number then.

Okay. I'll get along better with her.

Take her out for a drink on Wednesday.

be your stepdad by Thursday, Friday.

Yeah, I'm glad you guys got it because

she didn't.

She was looking at me like, "Why are you

naming days all of a sudden? You're

being very specific in your plans to

[ __ ] my mom.

Why chill on Sunday? What are you,

Christian?"

She tried to make things better by

going, "Oh, you know, don't worry. I

know I'm young, but do you know age of

consent here is 16?" I'm like, "Can you

keep your voice down, please?

kind of want to have a career here.

Okay. Is it 16? I don't [ __ ] know.

I'm not creepy enough to Google age of

consent UK.

I'm feeling lucky. Click.

It's 14.

It's for Wow. Fort. Wow.

He just yelled out, "It's 14."

How do you know that?

I was in the UK for five years.

You're in the UK for five years. And

you're wrong. It is 16. So,

[Applause]

is the camera still on? Catch his face.

Catch his face.

We found a pedophile.

After a year of query, we got one,

people. We got one.

Why are you clapping? There children

here, you know.

Oh god. Oh, security is coming. Oh. Oh

[ __ ]

What'd you do to the 14year-old? Tell

us.

Parent consent 14 and selfconent 16.

Stop talking. Please stop talking.

Jesus.

He said parent consent 14, self-consent

16. It's like

Yeah, you got to stop. The more you

talk, the the deeper the pedophile hole

you're digging for yourself.

[Laughter]

Okay. How old are you?

I'll have a guess.

Uh

I'll let you incriminate yourself.

Well, I I buy child tickets in the UK.

You buy child tickets in the UK?

Bye-bye.

Why? Because you want to be close to

them.

This guy's making it into the special

for sure.

We'll pixelate your face a bit like

Japanese porn. We'll do that.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh god. I've never seen someone so happy

to be labeled the pedophile.

Oh god.

Okay,

here's my rule now when it comes to

dating. Okay, I can't go out with

someone if they don't know what dialup

is.

It's a good rule, right?

You got to know what Dialup is. You got

to know who Jes is.

You need to have asked him questions

before.

Yeah. Anyone here born 2000 or later?

Give me a chair.

What year? What year?

2004.

2004. Jesus. You

2002.

2002. It's good to see you again.

Do you know what to dial up is? 2004,

2002.

No. [ __ ] You feel old now? Do you feel

old? [ __ ]

All right, let me explain. Dial up,

right? In the old days, you wanted to

watch porn.

The whole family had to get off the

phone,

right?

Stop chatting, Mom. Turn the jerk off

here.

The internet was so slow it took two

days to load one tit. Remember that? An

image of porn. Not even video. Porn was

just images. It came down line by line

like a printer. I said to wait.

Sometimes you got too excited. You came

at the collar bone. [ __ ]

Control out delete. Control out delete.

Why do they put control out and delete

so [ __ ] far apart?

[Music]

We didn't have Spotify. We had to

download songs individually with this

[ __ ] called Lime Wire.

See how hard the old people are

cheering.

They're bonding through the pain.

To open the app, the first thing you do,

evade all the viruses.

Yeah. In the old days, computers could

get CO.

You had to search the song name and type

in Lincoln Park.mpp3.

You hit download and you just had to

pray to God it was an actual Lincoln

Park song.

You had no clue. You finish downloading.

You open it up. Two girls, one cup.

[Applause]

Aren't you glad there wasn't 4K HD back

then?

Let's keep that [ __ ] blurry. Okay, there

are two types of people in this world.

People who don't know two girls one cup

and people who need therapy.

[Applause]

You guys should Google two girls one

cup. Maybe. Yeah.

Search it on the drive home, you know,

load it up in the big Tesla screen.

Never get a speeding ticket ever again.

You get stopped by the police officer.

He takes one look. Just go. Just go.

You need Jesus. Just go.

We didn't have Netflix either. Like you

guys over here, you guys have

Blockbuster where you could rent DVDs,

right?

Yeah. That is a that's a good thing,

man. In Malaysia, we didn't have that.

We had to resort to pirated DVDs.

I'm sure some of you know that, too. a

pirate DV. There's no quality control.

All right. Sometimes it's decent.

Sometimes Sometimes it's literally some

guy filming in a movie theater just

filming the screen, camcorder, handheld,

no tripod, shaky as [ __ ]

You just see shadowy figures walking in

the front.

Just hear couples arguing. Shut the [ __ ]

up. Eat your popcorn.

Yeah. 200 2002 2004. Why are you here?

You should be on at home on Tik Tok and

Fortnite.

You should be buying LED strips for your

room,

right? That's a new Gen Z thing now,

right? LED strips in the room. The whole

room is red.

Amsterdam brothel red. That's my vibe.

You bring this Gen Z person to

Amsterdam. Look at the red light

windows. He's going, "Oh, these people

all Twitch streamers." What?

Do you have the LED strips in your You

were in your room. You have it.

I knew it.

The interior design choices of a tweeny

old.

What's your name, man?

Dashi.

What?

Dashi. D O S Hi.

Do Hi. Dashi. Okay. You have the LED

strips, Dashi.

Even he has it in the bathroom.

You even have it in the bathroom.

What are you trying to light up in

there?

Nice. Do you also have the keyboard that

lights up?

No.

No. Okay, that's good. Anyone have that?

You have You have both the LED strips

and the keyboard?

Do I have the LED strips? Anyone have

both?

Yeah. Over there. Oh, no. The Domino's

guy. Of course.

Oh, no.

How much weed do you smoke a day?

What?

Zero

videos.

What?

Uncle Roger.

Yes. Uncle Roger videos. Nice.

Smooth. Smooth. I like it. You got the

LED strips and the keyboard that lights

up.

All right. Here's Let me help you out.

Here's a word of advice, man. If you

have those things, just know that when

you bring a girl back to your place,

they see that just [ __ ] dry up down

there,

right? The moment the keyboard lights

up, bing.

And over here you can see my Dragon Ball

Z figurine collection.

I built my own desktop CPU is

transparent. You can see the fan

spinning inside. Just come back. Come

back. Where you going?

That is not stuff you want them to see

on the first date. Okay. You hide that

[ __ ] and you reveal it on the fifth

year.

By then it's too late. You got a house.

You got a family. And you go, "Haha,

trapped you. I still play Pokémon Go,

bitch." Haha.

[Applause]

Yeah,

man. 18. [ __ ] probably sitting there

all nervous because you haven't checked

your phone in the last hour,

right, Dashy?

More.

More or less. You're almost there, guy.

Almost there.

I remember the time before the cell

phone, man. Remember the time before?

Remember the times before the cell

phone?

Yeah.

Remember staring out the window?

That was our only entertainment. Dashi,

same [ __ ] Same [ __ ] Okay, the tree

hasn't grown much from yesterday.

Take your phone everywhere now, right?

Even taking a [ __ ] you have your phone.

You ever forget your phone and then go

take a [ __ ]

and realize how quickly you're done?

It's just, holy [ __ ] I'm done already.

Wow, half an hour saved every day.

Yeah, I'm surprised you guys are here

because stand up live entertainment is

like old people [ __ ] you know. Yeah,

this is like old people. I see some of

you older people out there. You I know

you guys probably think you bought the

tickets. You're like, "Oh, it's going to

be a late show. Let's take a nap first,

right? Who did that? Who did that

today?" See,

the old people who are shaking their

heads at two girls, one cup. Yeah, they

took a nap.

[Laughter]

Yeah, but you start drinking espresso

martinis now, right? Oh, we think we are

classy when we do that. [ __ ] no. We need

it to survive

till 9:15.

Yeah, the old days. Dial up. Yes, we're

talking about dialup. You're born to

Wi-Fi. It's amazing, isn't it?

It is.

Right. Probably came out the womb asking

for the password,

huh? Only two bars of Wi-Fi. [ __ ] this

hospital.

What is this umbilical cord? I want to

be wireless

slay.

Why? Where the [ __ ] you guys say? No

cap. No cap. No cap. No cap. No cap. No

cap.

What is no cap? I don't even know.

Oh, another thing about dialup doshi.

You know how when you connect to Wi-Fi?

Yeah.

It's silent.

When you connect to dialup, it makes the

most beautiful

melodious sound.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

You've got mail.

We're sitting there in front of a family

computer waiting for it to connect with

that big ass CPU on the ground with that

big power button on it that we only turn

on with our big toe. Remember that?

that CPU power buttons never seen a

finger on it. Okay, it's always just the

big toe.

And now there's a whole generation of

men who can't find the G-spot because

you never did this motion.

[Applause]

But ladies, if you let us use our big

toes, we will find it.

We've been training for years. You got

the muscle memory down. Up, up, down,

down, left, right, ba, start. There it

is.

[Applause]

And that is what dialup is, though she

pretty good explanation, huh?

If you like my stuff, I also have a I

have the Uncle Roger stuff, right? But I

also have a podcast. You guys know that.

Ha podcast.

listen to it. Thank you. But uh I talk

about my life, right, and behind the

scenes of this tour. And this is

something I covered recently on the

podcast, and it's a real thing. Pornhub

started following me on Instagram.

Yeah,

this is real, people.

So, if you don't laugh, I got a backup

career.

I'll worry when they start tagging me

and stuff, you know, as Uncle Roger

teaches your stepmom how to make egg

fried rice

with extra sausage.

Or something like, "I'm stuck in the

rice cooker. Step bro, I'm stuck.

[Applause]

Help. Step bro,

the Zojiushi got me. that. Bro,

I'm just glad my passion for rice paid

off.

Remember the very first video that BBC

food egg fried rice?

How bad was that? Huh? Hersha Patel, you

know, the Indian lady in the video, we

had to we had to make a video together

because she was getting so much hate on

the internet. Yeah. Uh, so we had to I

had to help her out. And I get a lot of

hate on the internet too because I make

these like risky jokes, right? And when

people leave nasty comments at you

online, it's never a picture of

themselves as a profile photo. It's

always a picture of some anime

character.

So it's really weird when Naruto

is telling you to kill yourself

or like die man die. Hey, there's a

picture of Peppa Pig.

And I'm like, I know it's you, Jamie

Oliver. I know it's you.

We love our rice, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

We love our rice. Rice is a big thing in

Asia. Go to any grocery store in Asia.

20 pounds. That's the smallest sack of

rice you can get in the shop in Asia,

right? And you go to your grocery stores

here, you have the most adorable little

packets

of 2 and 1/2 oz TSA approved rice.

Like, who's that for? A fly?

I sent a photo of that to my mom. She

was like, why are they selling the free

samples?

Why are they selling rice in cocaine

bags?

Is rice illegal in the US, son? Is this

rice for astronauts?

Every Asian household owns a rice

cooker,

right?

And you guys watch my videos now. I'm

sure all of you guys have that, too. But

again, I've lived here before in

university. I've seen my American

college housemates. I've seen how they

make rice. It's [ __ ] tragic.

has two main methods, right? Number one,

the saucepan. They boil the rice and

they stir it like a witch in the 1800s.

As World War II is over, use technology

and it's still wet afterwards. So, they

drain it with a colander.

I've seen a friend drain it with a

colander and it was still wet. He took a

paper towel

to dab the rice.

I was looking at it. I was like, "Let's

just get dominoes, man. Let's just get

Domino's, please.

I know a guy. He has this LED strips and

the light up keyboard out. He'll hook us

up."

But the second way of how you guys made

rice here, and the worst way of all, is

this Uncle Ben's instant

microwave rice.

Yeah. By the way, this is a brand that

has Indian rice, Mexican rice, Cantonese

fried rice. But Uncle Ben is an old

black guy.

Why are we still buying that product?

Would you buy Uncle Wong's burritos?

I wouldn't. And he's my real uncle.

I see people microwaving Uncle Ben.

They're like beep bing. I walk past and

I go

interesting choice.

Happy night. Thank you, Boston. Good

night.

Heat. Heat.

[Applause]

talking money.

[Music]

Everybody rais I'ming out cuz I'm a

double. Yeah, that's me. Everybody

staring. I don't need to play with

a

you and I.

We just different

you and I

just differentig

[Music]

[Music]

and the