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Can we change?

I've been running for 32 years.

In and out of prison like a junkie jack-in-the-box.

Change.

Strength of an ape.

Where was I?

Oh, right, change. Change rising from...

Oh, this doesn't turn out good.

Can we change?

I'm Jerri Blank and this is my story.

Stranglers with...

Guess we'll never know.

Oh, that's me.

Mommy I'm home!

Can I help you?

Who are you and what are you doing in my house?

I think you have the wrong house, dear.

I think I would know my own house.

Yeah, this is it.

Well, nice to have met you.

I think we've got ourselves a little situation.

Wow.

What did you say you are?

Jerri Blank. Oh, my muckalucks.

Would you stay on the runner, please?

So, maybe you want to tell me who you are.

I'm Sarah Blank. I'm married to your father.

Well, doesn't that upset my mother?

How do I put this delicately?

Your mother's dead, your father's upstairs in a coma,

and we have a son, Derrick.

So, thanks so much for coming by.

I want my daddy.

Miss, I'm sorry.

Daddy!

Miss, would you please...

Daddy!

Would you please stay on the runner?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Yes?

Jerri Blank.

Jerri Blank?

I delivered you.

I still have the scars.

Born with a complete set of teeth.

Medical marvel.

Dr. Putney, what's wrong with my daddy?

Your father has what we call a stress-induced coma.

You see, after you left home, your mother died of grief.

Mother!

May I keep these?

Of course, Jerri, but I'll keep the urn.

It's stainless steel.

As I was saying, the stress of her demise,

combined with anguish over your disappearance,

has led to this death-like rigor that you see before you.

Oh, daddy!

I'm so sorry that I didn't call.

Ah!

What was that?

Maybe it was just a nervous reaction.

Oh, I poke needles in him all the time, I never get a response.

Somehow, your mere presence is bringing him back to life.

Quick, everyone, out into the hall.

His slight movement defies all medical logic.

Is my daddy is gonna be fixed now?

Hard to say, Jerri, hard to say.

This would be my advice.

Stimulate him to get back to that magical time

when life was good and precious and worth being conscious for,

when he was still this little girl.

That's it?

I'm hesitant to ask.

I'm picking my life up exactly where I left off.

I'm gonna go back to high school

and be the good girl I never was or had any desire to be.

Maybe that'll help save my daddy.

Well, it's a start, Jerri, but you have to do better than good.

You can't reverse 32 years of depravity in a single day.

You have to put some effort into it.

We call it balancing the psychic equation.

Who's we?

You know, the people in my carpool.

But the point is, you have to be special, Jerri.

Special?

You have to make the honor roll, win the spelling bee.

Be prom queen?

Make the honor roll.

Well, I've said enough.

Thank you for coming, Doctor.

Mom, I'm home.

Okay, who is that and why does he bother me?

Jerri, this is our son, Derrick.

Let me give you a little advice, Derelict.

I think it would be behoovey of you

not to cut into my mommy time, all right?

We're bonding.

Mom, what's happening?

It's all right, darling.

Go to your room and lock the door.

So, where do I stows me stuff?

All right, Jerri, you can have your old room back,

but only until your father gets better.

Oh, here's your mother.

You won't even know I'm here.

Hey, when's eats?

What?

I take chorizo and eggs on a flour tortilla.

Go easy on the jalapenos.

I got a bit of the squirties.

God, I'm going to bed.

Bed?

Good night, Mommy.

What the hell is going on?

How do I look?

What did you do to my shirt?

I knew you wouldn't take me to school on my first day, Mommy.

Are you insane?

♪ Daddy, coma... ♪

I'm afraid.

What if the kids don't like me?

What if I don't fit in?

What if?

The first day of high school's always scary, Jerri,

especially the second time around.

Just be yourself, and if things don't work out,

we'll know where the problem lies.

Maybe I should go home and change.

Get out of my car.

Get out.

Check out the wild load who got a ride from Mommy.

That's the last time, old lady!

God, you're suffocating me!

I hate you!

Hit me up at 315.

Don't be late.

Thanks, Mommy.

Are you kidding?

God, mothers.

They can be so clingy, right?

Just don't want to see you grow up.

Hey, check out the thumb sucker

getting a ride from his Mommy.

What a chump.

Hey, don't worry, I'll change his diapers for you.

Hi, I'm Jerri.

Would you like to carry my books?

[School bell rings]

Alice.

Henry.

So nice to have members of the school board in my chambers.

Can I fix you to a drink?

This is a high school Onyx.

My mistake.

Would you care to handle my pistol?

No, thanks.

Alice?

I think I've handled your pistol enough.

I'm sorry.

That was insensitive.

So as to what do I owe the pleasure

of this surprise attack visit?

May I blithely assume you're here

to deliver the rest of my discretionary funding?

Look, Onyx, you're required to send us documentation

proving that your students have actually achieved

the high test scores that you claim.

What?

You didn't receive my package?

Iris!

Yes, Principal Blackman?

What happened to the documents the school board requested?

I don't know.

Hmm.

I know what must have happened.

I didn't send it.

I'm glad that's cleared up.

I'll take that drink now.

If we don't receive concrete proof by next week,

you will not be receiving any future funding,

and as required by law,

we'll return any and all monies the board has already provided.

Understand?

But Alice, I naturally assume

that given our past long-standing mutuality,

you'd perhaps be more generous with your letting it slide?

Our days of sliding are over.

Am I missing something?

No, Henry, you're not missing anything.

And neither am I.

I'm sorry to hear that, Alice.

Are you?

Let me ask a question here.

Did you have sex with Alice?

You have one week to prove your students

are above average in any way.

I have a right to know I'm on the school board.

I have 3,000 students and nearly a dozen teachers.

Surely one of them must have a decent brain.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, I'm going to jail.

You look lost.

It's okay. You can talk to me.

I'm the art teacher.

I may be an authority figure, but I have the mind of a child.

Well, today's my first day back at school,

and I'm a little nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous.

Just remember, the first day of school

is the most important day of your whole life.

If it doesn't go right, there's no way to get it back.

No way.

I'm here to see the principal.

Principal Blackman is busy.

Have a seat.

What's shaking, Red?

Carpet match the drinks?

I'm Jerri. Jerri Blank.

What are you in for? Boost some goodies?

You can tell Mama.

I didn't make my school fundraising quota.

They're probably going to call my parents.

It's no big deal.

Tell you what, usually I look out for numero me,

but I like you. You're sweet.

So I just might be willing to take you under my spicy buffalo wing.

Huh, butter chop?

I'll never slap you around, unless, of course, you get out of line.

Listen, Dico, you get your money.

All I need is one more week.

Lock my head off?

Go ahead. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Oh, right.

How about in the meantime,

could I interest you in a bright, shiny school bus?

I could stock it full of fresh, young cheerleaders.

Hello? Hello?

Principal Blackman? Who wants to know?

I'm Jerri Blank. I used to go to school here, and I'd like to come back.

I'm sorry, but all of our custodial positions are filled.

Well, I want to be a student.

What?

I'm starting my life all over again, and I'm picking up exactly where I left off.

I don't think... Wait. What's your I.Q.?

Pisces.

Listen, Blank, I've already got enough hungry rats on my sinking ship.

I've got the school board breathing down my neck

like a drunken jock at a roofie party.

School board.

Why would I doctor the books in order to improve the overall test scores of the student body

just so I could collect bonus funds from the state,

which I willfully misappropriated,

in order to pay off large gambling debts?

It just doesn't add up, Blank!

Investigate me all you want!

How deep you in?

It took two of my toes.

I know what that's like.

You've lost some toes? No, I've taken a few.

Listen, Blank, as far as I know, I'm waiting to find out.

I can't legally keep you out of school, but I'll be watching you, Blank.

And if you so much as slip up once as you step out of line,

you're escramé-voo. Now get out!

Thanks, Principal Blackman. I won't let you down.

Other than that, there's no reason for women to have breasts.

Okay, that concludes our unit on reproduction.

The important thing for you kids to remember...

God damn it!

We have a new student.

Jerri Blank.

Okay, Mr. Blank, why don't you tell us something about yourself?

Oh, all right.

Well, hello.

I'm Jerri Blank, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as mainline narcotics.

Some people say I have a sex addiction,

but I think all those years of prostitution

was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin.

It's kind of like the chicken or the nugget.

The point is, I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you.

Oh, and my daddy's in a coma.

Okay, Jerri, you can have a seat.

Ladies.

All right, let's get back to class.

Now, as many of you know, this is a very special time of year for me.

First of all, it was one year ago that I hit rock bottom,

discovered God, and realized that evolution is a farce.

Second of all, it's science fair time again,

where you students get to make up science projects,

which then go to the state science fair

and compete against all the other schools in the state.

On Saturday.

We only have a week?

Look, I guess I was supposed to tell you a month ago,

but maybe I was a little more concerned about immortal souls

and keeping them from the lake of fire.

Sorry.

Now, unless Beelzebub here wants to poke me with his pitchfork some more,

I'd like to teach my class.

I want to put the sign-up sheet out in the hall,

and you can all sign up for this very special event.

Or not. It don't make no never mind to me.

Okay, open your science books to page 15.

Galileo's letters to the Corinthians, chapter 3, verse 16.

And when the demon did give me the telescope, I was so afraid,

for the lights of heaven were beyond my knowing.

Busted!

Something you'd like to share with the entire class, Jerri?

Did you draw this?

He gave it to me.

Minioko?

Did you draw this?

Okay, Jerri, I guess you're both a liar and a snitch.

What?

See me after class.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Jerri. I've got my eye on you,

and if you give me any excuse, I will bring the hammer down.

Do we get each other?

You bet.

Okay, you can go.

Faggot.

What'd you say?

What did you hear?

I'd rather not repeat it.

Well, then I guess we'll never know.

O Dominus...

Hey, Chuck!

Geoffrey!

Try and guess what I do with my art class today.

I don't think so.

We've broken that new kiln by placing items in it

that the manual specifically prohibits.

I can see why car batteries near the top of the list.

I get it now.

Geoffrey, I'm busy.

Did you get my note?

Yeah, one of my students found it.

Doesn't even look like me.

What do you want? I was drawing it from memory.

Look, Geoffrey, I'm glad you stopped by.

I'd like you to leave.

I'm sorry. What's happening?

It's over.

What are you saying, Chuck?

I need more out of this relationship

than I'm willing to put in.

And I think I deserve better, don't you?

Hey.

Hey, I know this is hard on you.

It would be hard for me, too, if I broke up with me.

I know what you're losing.

The important thing is...

I'm taking this back!

Geoffrey!

Would you hang this up in the hallway?

I hate you.

Please, Geoffrey, I get enough of that from my wife.

Eric!

Hey, guys.

What's up?

Sorry we've been picking on you.

To make it up, we got you a little something.

You guys put dog shit in my locker?

Who are you calling a dog?

That's ours.

Let me help you with your books.

Eric.

Get out of here, stump.

Who's the new kid?

Maybe she's my sister or something.

We have a surprise for you, too, new kid.

A surprise? A surprise for me?

Hey, wait up! That was amazing!

Ah, it was nothing.

Filipino?

Indonesian.

Um, Java/Sumatra?

Sumatra?

I smuggle a lot of peppercorns across the straits, Asanda.

Rough seas.

My name is Megawatti Sacarnaputri.

Not that Megawatti Sacarnaputri.

It's a common name.

Jerri. Jerri Blank.

Hey, the science fair.

Are you thinking about signing up?

No, I'm thinking about pussy.

Science fair is for queers.

It's not, Jerri.

It's really special.

Special?

Why is that word important to me?

(Dr. Putney) You have to be special, Jerri.

Shh.

(Dr. Putney) Do something special.

Not now, brain. I'm trying to think.

(Dr. Putney) All I'm saying is that winning the science fair

(Dr. Putney) might just be that special thing that wakes your father up.

That's it!

Give me that pencil.

We've got a science fair to win.

What are you two doing looming around my office?

We're here to sign up for the science fair.

Get to class!

Win the science fair.

It's not going to do anybody any good.

You have one week to prove your students are above average in any way.

Not now, brain. I'm trying to think.

A second.

Iris!

Get me Roger Beaton. I've got a science fair to win.

Daddy, I'm home!

Hmm, yum, yum, yum, yum.

You want my sausage, right?

Daddy?

Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

- Succulent. - Oh, yeah.

Who's this?

Oh, Jerri, this is Stu, our meat man.

- Mother. - Stepmother, Jerri.

I wouldn't want you to think that that slithered out of my womb.

Ahem.

Science...

Fair...

Ideas.

By Jerri Blank.

Number one.

Easy.

Science fair ideas.

Science fair ideas.

This is nice.

Family.

You got the mommy and the daddy and the brother and the sister and the...

This guy.

Just gettin' a roll.

You crossed my chow zone again.

You're going to pull back a bloody stump.

Sarah.

Jerri.

Mommy.

Hey, Daddy, I signed up for the science fair to...

We don't speak with food in our mouths at this table.

I don't have any food in my mouth.

Well, put some in.

How was school today, Derrick?

The coach made me the co-captain of the junior varsity squat thrust team.

Oh, fabulous!

Way to go, faglick.

Jerri, language.

I'll have you know, stump, that the varsity squat thrust team took third in all conference.

And how does that make you not gay?

What are you talking about, troll?

We squat together, we spot each other on the workout mat, and we play grab ass in the showers.

How is that gay?

What do you think of the brisket?

Who's this guy again?

Jerri!

Stu is our meat man, and he is deserving of our respect.

I just wanted to tell Daddy that I signed up for the science fair today.

Hey, Jerri, your project could be about finding the link between a loser and a fatty.

Next time, I'm going to take a thumb.

That's it. Get out!

He started it.

Right now!

You're not my real daddy!

You're not my real daughter!

Stop it! Go to your room!

Jerri!

Leave the plate! Now stop it!

You know something? It never meant much to me to have a baby.

But then I found out nobody wanted to give me one.

And nobody denies me something I think I might want.

Chuck.

Geoffrey.

Everybody, listen up.

I want to win that state science fair this year. Do you understand?

I want to show that school board just what Flatpoint students are capable of,

even if they're incapable of it.

Now, but you're the science teacher. What's the progress?

Progress?

Good. I don't want a repeat of last year's fiasco, which reminds me, no wolves.

Here's the plan.

Roger! You got my telegram.

Everybody, this is Roger Beekman.

For those of you not in the know, Roger Beekman here

is the nine-time state science fair champion

and current cover boy for Regional High School Science Teacher Weekly,

the number one high school science teacher weekly publication in this region.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Don't mind Boswell here. He's writing my autobiography.

Just treat him like a piece of furniture. I do.

Don't write that down.

Hello, Roger.

Wait. Wait, don't tell me.

Tell me. No. Don't tell me.

I have a mnemonic device.

Crotch niblet.

Chuck Knoblet.

Right. Right. And we met at the, um...

Bunsen burner seminar.

Yes. Yes. You had the chemistry mishap.

I see your hair grew back.

That is real hair, isn't it?

It is. What are you doing here, Roger?

I can answer that one.

Roger has agreed to shepherd a Flatpoint team for the state science fair.

What? I'm the science teacher.

We don't need an outsider. This is madness.

What's the big deal, Knoblet?

Roger will do his project and you'll do yours,

and may the best man humiliate the other.

Oh, now that Roger's in the mix,

I've decided to do a minor reshuffling of the students.

You know, split the students between the two of you.

Those are my students.

Roger Beekman's team will consist of Chang Kai Cho,

Kim Luck, Akito Gai Pan, Hyman Loenstien, Moishe Einstein,

Tesla, and Alexander Graham Wang.

Now, wait a second.

And under Chuck Knoblet, we have Glen Sinker, Terry Pitts,

Dwayne Louse, Dale Dim, Jerri Blank and Billy Dolt,

provided we have wheelchair access.

I don't want to lose my advanced students.

It's all right, Onyx. Let him keep his hand-picked team.

I'll create my own.

Confidence. I love it.

And by the way, anybody who'd like to volunteer as my assistant,

I could certainly use one,

as long as you're willing to put me ahead of your students.

I could do that.

This is bullshit.

This is bullshit!

New deal.

In order to get more students involved in the science fair,

I'm gonna take this list

and boil it down to the best and the brightest.

That selected group will then present one project

which will make Roger Beekman look like a fool.

That doesn't involve more students. It involves less.

Hey, look at you adding and subtracting!

Well, this isn't math, mister.

This is science. Understand?

Okay. You Koreans and you Jews will make the core of the think tank.

Megawatti, you're the wild card.

What about me?

You're off the team.

What? But I already signed up.

And now you didn't.

But my daddy's in a coma!

Good point, Jerri. Go see the school grief counselor.

She's supposed to care.

Go on.

Come on. Let's go.

On your feet! Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

You'll feel better.

Let the healing begin.

Oh, Geoffrey. I'm a little busy right now, Chuck.

Look, there's a really ugly rumor I'm about to start,

and I want to make sure I've got it right.

Are you working with Roger Beekman?

Perhaps he values the contribution that our teacher can make to science.

Geoffrey, where's my cocoa?

Coming, Roger!

That's my mug. Gotta go, Chuck. Science!

Eyes to the back of the room!

There's something I want you to see back there.

Eyes to the back of the room.

Oh, God.

Geoffrey!

Are you the grief counselor?

Oh, God. It never ends. Have a seat.

I should tell you, up front, each student gets ten minutes.

That last student took 15, so you get...

five.

Well, that's not fair.

Take it up with Les. He's the one that's frigid.

So?

I'm Jerri Blank, and my daddy's in a coma.

You know what, Jerri?

I wish my daddy was in a coma.

He's dead, Jerri.

He was executed for war crimes.

But for insurance purposes, we say he was eaten by wolves.

Anyway, my point is, Jerri,

somebody's always got it worse.

Um, well, the reason I'm here is that

I want to get on the science fair team so I can fix my daddy.

Okay, I'll tell you what, Jerri.

In order to shorten our little meeting, I'm gonna give you a note, okay?

Do you think I'm pretty?

There. Now you're on the science team.

Uh, Jerri.

You gotta be kidding, right?

It's my lunch money.

My theory is Noah had three of everything,

just in case one died.

See, science...

God damn it!

Ladies.

Okay, uh, guys in the back of the room.

I can't believe I'm a team!

We're gonna make the best science project ever.

Pee on me. Who's that?

Oh, that's just Brayson.

God, check out the titties on that arm.

So, Jerri, what looks good?

To you, a banana.

Let's go sit over here. We can start mapping our plans for our project.

Great idea. I'll see you later.

Hey, homies. How about making some room?

Beat it, chubs.

Yeah, I'll catch you in gym.

What are you listening to?

Sounds like someone with a steel plate in their head getting worked over with a pipe.

Sketchy.

It's traditional Indonesian music, Jerri.

What do you want?

Well, looks like it's just you and me, Megawatti.

It's Megawatti, Jerri.

Geez, I know. I'm just having some cruel fun at your expense.

Geez, I thought you peoples had thicker skins than that.

You know, fighting them tigers in the jungle and all.

Why doesn't anybody like me?

I guess they just don't know you yet.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Tammy. - Rusty.

Oh, hey, Jerri.

Mr. Noblitt added Tammy to the science project team.

Oh, yeah? You think you got the skills to pay the bills there, copper top?

Well, I got straight A's in science last semester.

Let me tell you something.

I run a pretty tight posse, all right?

Now, if you want to be part of the crew, you're gonna have to follow a few simple rules, all right?

It's about getting caught and not telling, killing not caring, and dying without fear.

You down for being up for that?

I guess.

Team!

Tamalas, my life is perfect.

We're gonna win that science fair, and my daddy's gonna be just like he was before.

With expectations this high, I mean, what could go wrong?

Nothing, Jerri, as long as you don't lose your focus.

Well, then nothing's gonna distract me.

Man, look at the workout he's giving his chili-ho.

Up.

What do you think of that Brayson?

He's all right.

I've heard he likes to steal home on the first date.

Batter up.

Brayson doesn't go out with girls like you and me.

He goes out with girls like Monica.

Hey, but I do know someone who has a crush on you.

Who?

It's someone you just met.

Oh, and, uh, does this person go to this school?

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

And does she have a ripe little rump that makes you want to take a bite out of it?

It's Megawatti.

Shh, let me guess, let me guess.

Does she have a pair of pert, pouty breasts, the kind that fill your mind with all sorts of stinky thoughts?

It's Megawatti.

Please, I really want to get this one.

Is she slim-hipped with the promise of forbidden treasures between those milky white thighs?

I'm gonna make you feel so good.

All right, ladies, listen up.

Today we are going to learn about an athletic tradition that takes place in Spain.

And we are lucky enough to have an expert with us, Coach Divers.

Be deep, ladies.

Coming through.

Watch it.

Watch it.

Careful.

Move, move, move.

Thank you.

Ladies, last year I was privileged enough to run with the Bulls in Pamplona.

You know, the interesting thing about Spain is it's very, very difficult to make a personal injury lawsuit stick.

Bueno, gracias.

All right, señoritas, let's load them in.

All right, ones, let's go.

Move it into the chute.

Load them in, load them in.

Come on, pick up the pace a little bit, ladies.

Get in there.

All right.

Hit it, ladies!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Move it.

Blank, if you don't want a horn in the gut, you gotta move your knees.

Put some effort into it.

Oh, he just winged you Blank. You'll get over it.

Hit the showers.

Muy bien, ladies.

And number twos, let's go, let's go.

Pump those knees!

Get em hard!

Pump it, pump it, pump it.

What are you doing?

Putting a piece down.

It doesn't go there, there's a gap.

Simmer down, Stu.

Clearly goes in the loin.

You're trying to jam it in the shank.

I didn't know.

Look at the box.

Is that the same picture?

[Doorbell]

Is that for you?

No, no, Stu, no.

Well, it sure as shit ain't for me.

I don't even live here, Sarah.

You know, I don't like anybody here after 6, Stu.

[Doorbell]

Can I make a suggestion here, Stu?

Make it quick.

I'm trying to deal with this doorbell situation.

Well, maybe it's for Jerri.

- Who? - You know...

Jerri!

I'll get it.

What's this all about, Jerri?

These are my new best friends.

Who's his face and what's her name?

They're gonna help me.

You're such a pool hole, Derrick.

You're a fat goblin.

All right, you two.

Well, she is.

I know, Derrick, I have eyes.

Look, Jerri, I made us T-shirts for a science project team.

We're the Fig Neutrons.

Oh!

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's wear them to school tomorrow.

Oh, yeah!

Sorry about the smell.

Hey, you guys wanna make some great calls?

No, we have a lot of work to do, Jerri.

Right, science.

Okay, light her up.

Okay, so you guys wanna hear my idea?

Shoot, I'm all ears.

I was thinking that we could make a miniature superconductor.

We get a whole bunch of soup cans

and we cool them down to the proper temperature.

Come on, Jerri, you need to focus.

I thought you wanted to save your daddy.

I do, but come on, you guys.

Science is so boring.

Stupid science.

What did science ever do for me?

Hey, Bobo, would you hand me the TV clicker

and the electric shaver?

I'm gonna take off. This is pointless.

Don't be such a mega-snotty.

We got a lot of work done today.

We haven't gotten anything done yet.

Well, that's because we've been working too hard.

We deserve a break.

So why don't you go for a swing in your banana tree?

And Tammy and I will have a girly talk.

Lock up!

God, Boorsville.

Okay, listen.

I'm gonna ask you about a boy,

and you tell me if you can imagine kissing him or not, all right?

Matt Laffin.

I guess.

Okay, ask me any boy.

Okay, Megawatti Sacarnaputri.

No, no, no, ask me about anybody.

Ask me about Brayson.

How about Brayson?

Damn, I'd work his crank so hard.

I should get going.

Tamelas.

Oh, Tamelas.

Do you ever think about the changes our bodies are making?

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I've gotten it.

What do you mean?

You know, it.

Yeah, me too.

Those sudden hot flashes where you get so hot

you have to pull the covers off you at night,

you snap at people for no reason.

- Is that what it's like for you? - Sort of.

I don't know, not really.

Not so.

You know something, Tammy?

You're my best friend.

Can I go now?

In a while.

No, no, it's Jerri.

Monica, Melissa, Melanie, hi.

Hi, Jerri.

Nice shirt.

I got it for the science fair.

Yours should say pig neutrons.

I just want to thank you kids

for accepting my invitation to be my science team.

Thank you.

We're getting paid, right?

In cash.

Look, I don't know why you want us.

We don't know anything about science.

We're not qualified.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

You want to know how you win a state science fair?

One word: pizzazzzz...

So what's our science project going to be anyways?

I didn't win nine straight science fairs

by worrying about what my science project was going to be, okay?

We could take leaves and put them between wax paper.

What we need to concern ourselves with is pop, pop, and...

Jerri, what are you doing?

I was just looking at Brayson.

Mind your own business.

Get back to class.

Go on, go.

Now, Jellineck, I want you to take over for me.

I want you to listen to him.

Listen to him as if he's me.

He's going to show us what he's got cooking.

Geoffrey.

He's going to do it.

Listen to him.

Do we sparkle?

Why?

Whatever he says, you do.

I love you.

You do what he says, right?

What do you do?

You heard me.

What are you doing there?

I was just heading over to the pep rally.

Well, Mr. Nosy Eyes, let's see how much rallying you get done in detention.

Giddy up.

Focus is the key to safe driving.

Focus.

Start your cars.

Lamps, lights.

Action.

Hey.

Sunny day. Middle of summer.

Driving down the road.

Not much to see.

Clear day.

Dry conditions.

Child's ball!

Focus.

Eyes on the road.

All right.

Doing well.

Tap the brake.

Where's your Fig Neutron shirt?

Fig Neutron shirt?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just gave it to you, Jerri.

Oh, right.

Fig shirt.

Right.

I threw it away.

I thought science fair meant something to you, Jerri.

I thought I meant something to you.

Megawattie!

Betrayed.

See what happens when you lose focus, Jerri.

Tragic.

What's going on, Geoffrey?

I have work to do.

Why aren't you doing it?

Just poaching my ideas.

Now, you listen to me.

Roger.

Just the person I've been looking for.

Sit down.

What's the update?

Tell me all about it.

I think you'll be duly impressed with our execution.

Dead sea salts?

Nothing brings me to life like dead salt.

Elucidate upon your elaboration.

Go ahead, Roger.

Tell me all about it.

How about a eucalyptus spritz?

I don't mind if I do.

Continue, Roger.

Well, we're sort of reimagining the nexus of the...

We don't have a project yet.

What?

The science fair's in 48 hours.

My eyes!

Ah! My eyes!

Ah! My eyes!

My eyes!

Rick.

Chuck.

No, it's Roger.

Make an argument.

Geoffrey.

Chuck.

Was that Roger Beekman I just saw leaving here?

Have the two of you...

What, Chuck?

Collaborated?

Why should you care, Chuck?

You pushed me away.

I wasn't pushing you away.

I was pulling me toward myself.

Well, it's too late, Chuck.

Geoffrey.

We'll be having class out here in the parking lot.

Remember, the magic of art is there are no incorrect answers.

Anything goes.

That's wrong.

Oh, I like this.

Hello.

One ball.

Gee, someone woke up on the wrong side of the coconut.

Are you still P.O.'d at me?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come to my house tonight and we'll work on the project there?

Will that soothe your savage breasts?

Hmm?

Okay, Jerri.

So, have you guys come up with a project yet for the science fair?

No.

I hear Chuck, er, Mr. Knoblet's class is doing a superconductor.

Why can't our team have an idea like that?

Yeah, why can't we?

Because they already have it.

Okay, but when I want to do something original, you know the first thing I do?

I get out my tracing paper.

Understand?

I'll see you at rehearsal.

Oh, I love that.

Hey, maybe someone from Mr. Knoblet's team would help us out.

But why would they do that?

Perhaps they have a weak link that could be exploited.

Ching chong, ching chong.

Ah, your order ready sir.

Oh, hot out today. Very hot out today.

- Seven o'clock. - Seven o'clock.

- I'll set my alarm. - Alright.

I'll see you tonight, Michael Whitey.

- Okay. - Bye.

So, er, Jerri, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing.

Monica's having a party. You want to be my date?

I want your spermies.

I'll take that as a yes.

[Doorbell] - God damn it.

Derrick. Derrick!

Who is it, honey?

Someone to see the toad.

Stay on the runner, please.

I'm sorry. We're all out of candy.

What do you mean, Derrick?

Aren't you trick or treating?

I mean, you're all dressed up in that loser costume.

Oh, hey, Megawattie.

Sorry, we're out of candy.

I already did that one, chunk.

I hate you.

What's shakin', bacon?

Jerri, I'm here to work on the project.

I made you a new shirt.

And I drew up some plans.

Oh, right.

Tell you what.

Why don't I take these and give them a look-see right after the party?

After I go on my date with Brayson to Monica's party.

Oh, Megawattie, don't look at me like that.

It's nothing but me falling in love with someone who isn't you.

We'll always be the best of acquaintances.

Nothing will ever come between me and Brayson.

Quick, act like a banana and peel out of here. Go!

Back door!

What about the science project?

Science isn't going anywhere, but you are.

- Brayson? - Hey, Dirk.

Ah, Derrick.

How's everything on the varsity squat thrusting team?

It's cool.

I saw the final thrust you made in that meet against Mount Valley.

It changed the way I thought about squatting.

Brayson!

Take a hike, fag ball. He's here to see me.

Why don't you relax while I run upstairs and get some girly things?

You know, rubbers and such.

Can't we just go now? I don't really want to drag this out.

Sure, sure, but first I'd like you to say hello to my daddy.

Okay? That would be the proper thing to do.

Alright.

Hi there, sir. I just...

Why are you talking to me?

That's not my daddy. That's my mommy's meat man.

My daddy's upstairs.

Don't be too tough on him, daddy. I'll be right back.

I'm just going to go freshen up my wet

What's going on, Jerri?

Come on, Mother. Come on. Talk to you for a second.

Oh god!

What is the refrigerator doing up here?

Look, I don't want to fight, alright? I just need some mother-daughter advice.

What is it, Jerri?

Well, I'm a little nervous tonight about my date with Brayson.

Is this my Kabuki Magic?

Don't worry. You'll get it back.

Keep it. It's all gummed up.

Well, listen, what if he tries something?

Like what? Kiss you?

Well, that. And let's say I'm giving him a rusty trombone.

He turns around and tries to slap a dirty Sanchez on me.

What are you getting at, Jerri?

Well, a rusty trombone is when you spread the...

I know what a rusty trombone is, Jerri. I used to be a stewardess.

Jerri?

Brayson!

Thanks.

How did you get the refrigerator up the stairs?

Hello, Monica.

Hey, thanks for inviting Brayles and me to your party.

Take off your shoes.

My mom's a freak about the floors.

Mons.

Make room for Jerri, guys.

Mel, Meliss, make room for Jerri.

Mmm. Explodapop.

They say it's carbalicious.

Wow, this is a really groovy scene, Monica. Nice.

So, Jerri, we're friends, right?

Well, sure, Monica.

I would love to hear about that science project of yours.

There's not much to say, really. It's all up here in the old acorn.

I got blueprints and everything. They're back in my bedroom.

Safekeeping. The fig neutrons are gonna bust this nut out.

That's great, Jerri, but...

I'm more interested in the specifics of the science project.

Oh, I'm not supposed to talk about that.

Come on, Jerri. You can tell us.

Yeah, it'll be our little secret.

Really?

I know, I can't talk about that.

Maybe you just need to loosen up a little bit.

Are you trying to get me high?

No, Jerri. Why would I try and get you high?

I shook that monkey off my back a long time ago, and I will not go down that road again.

It led me to a dark place where I was sleeping in the gutter and cooking my breakfast up on a teaspoon.

By the end, I was barely human.

Let me see that.

Oh, yeah, that's Panama Red. You got a seed in there. Good luck.

Go ahead, Jerri. One hit's not gonna hurt.

Come on, Jerri. Don't you want to be cool?

Come on.

[♪ Chamber Brothers "Time has come today" ♪]

Stop!

No!

Jerri!

Jerri, stop!

It all came rushing back to me.

The years of abuse and debasement.

Have another hit.

Get out.

But Mons.

Get her out of here.

Jerri, I think we better go.

We just got here.

You know what you have to do, so do it.

Let's go.

What are you guys still doing up?

It's 8.30, troll.

Listen, my old man and I are heading up to my room,

so if you hear any screams, don't come a-knocking.

The stairs could be a little rickety, so you might want to grab on to something more firm.

What are we watching?

Eric, help your father change the channel.

Why do I always have to...

Are we gonna talk through the whole channel changing?

So Jerri, I...

Jerri, I really just wanted to look at the plans.

Take a look at these.

Oh, Jesus.

Damn it, Jerri.

You know, I thought we could share.

Guess I was wrong.

Brayson, I care about you.

Well, prove it.

What about these?

We're talking.

[Making cat noises]

Now, Brayson.

Let's get this on.

I've never done this before,

I'm a little nervous.

So go gentle.

On second thought, why don't you slap me around a little?

I'm having trouble getting in the mood.

Moist as a snack cake down here.

Well, I'm gonna get going.

Had a few things come up.

The plans.

Jesus, Jerri, you don't let up.

What, you think I came up here to steal your stupid plans?

That really hurts my feelings.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brayson.

You should be. I don't even want these.

So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take these.

Just to prove a point.

What's the point?

Why don't you figure that out. You seem to have all the answers.

Brayson!

How's the project going, Noblet?

Oh, I feel pretty confident.

Mind if I take a little peek-a-dee-boo?

Oh, not at all.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Come on.

Hmm.

This looks suspiciously like Roger Beekman's project.

Why? What are they making?

A superconductor out of soup cans.

That's what we're making.

What are the odds?

Obviously, he stole our idea.

I don't see how he could have stole it if I saw his first.

Anyway, Roger's got a real winner on his hands,

and we don't really need two winners, do we, Noblet?

That would just gum up the victory.

Get my drift?

Principal Blackman, please, wait.

Peggy!

Peggy!

How could this have happened?

They stole our idea.

Perhaps it was just a, uh, coink-a-dinks.

Megawatti, did you guard those plans with your life

like you said you were gonna?

Sort of.

And then I gave them to Jerri for a while.

What are you looking at me for?

Everybody knows you've been hanging out with Brayson, Jerri.

They do?

I mean, I hope you can back that accusation up

with something other than a fact.

Come clean, Jerri.

What?

What are you saying?

I sung like a canary?

A squealer? A stoolie?

Well, people like that are just scum

to be scraped off the bottom of their boot heel.

I did it.

I just let them take an itty-bitty peek at the plans.

We were a team.

How could you betray us?

What?

I would never do anything to hurt you figs.

You're like family to me.

Well, the white one.

You darker ones are more like valued family servants.

The point is,

you're the only friends I've got.

My daddy's in a coma.

It's too late, Jerri.

Megs.

Tamalas.

When I was first rejected by the Peace Corps,

I decided there and then I was gonna turn...

- Geoffrey! - Roger.

I think we need to cut away a little bit of the fat before tomorrow.

I hear you.

That Melissa's a little bumble-footed.

I'm talking about you, Geoffrey.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

You're off the team.

Come on, Boswell.

I have more talking to do.

And then you can watch me eat a sandwich.

Bye, see you later.

Brayson, they kicked me off the team.

Didn't you hear, Jerri?

Fat hips sink ships.

Monica, why can't we just be friends?

In what kind of mad fantasy world

would someone like you and someone like me ever be friends?

Brayson, I just want you to know

that I will never, ever be able to forgive you

for what you did to me.

So let's just put it behind us.

New beginnings.

I really need you to hold me right now.

I'm sorry.

Brayson.

See, yeah, like,

my Mustang, what's sweet about it is how fast it goes...

Daddy, I wanted you to be so proud of me.

I don't know what else to say, except

I wish I could talk to you.

Goodbye forever, people.

Daddy?

Daddy, is that, is that really you?

Or are you just a product of a drug-addled,

alcohol-tainted, disease-ridden mind?

I better not answer that.

Well, then just tell me if you're as real

as some of the other things in the room.

Like the demon with a hundred eyes.

That's a very good example.

I'm as real as the demon with a hundred eyes.

No, you are real.

Who's this guy?

I, uh, I really can't vouch for him.

We get on with this, huh?

We got a coma to be in.

I don't belong here, Daddy.

Nobody wants me.

Nobody needs me.

Your friends need you.

You can't let them down.

You can't let me's down.

Maybe I can come up with an idea

for the project to save the day.

That's a very good start, Jerri.

Daddy, you look well-rested.

Maybe there's still some hope.

Hope?

You fool.

Don't you know death when you see it?

I'm being punished.

You have no idea the terrible things I've done.

Curse God and die!

Hey, figaroos!

What are you sitting around like a bunch of losers for?

Get out, Jerri. I mean it.

We've got a science fair to win.

And I've got an idea.

Number first, dig up a corpse.

Now, I know where one is.

No, get him!

Argh get him!

This is showtime, fatty!

Jerri, maybe you should leave.

I'm just trying to help.

Haven't you done enough already?

It's late, Jerri.

We're gonna go home.

Late?

Late? Come on, now!

In the slammer, some of the best stuff we'd get done would be at night.

We'd be mixing up the jungle juice.

We'd slap on the old transistor radios.

Of course, we had to make our own batteries

because the bulls kept taking the real ones.

You could drop a couple D-cell batteries into a pillowcase

and use it to shatter a Puerto Rican skull.

Brittle skulls.

Oh, the batteries. Okay, right.

So what we would do is we'd take our own poopers,

we'd work it into a paste, and that would make the alkaloid, right?

Then we'd fold in some tin foil for the cells,

and for the acid, we'd use our own spit.

Battery.

Sounds like a bomb.

That's a fine line.

That's it! We'll make a battery,

an energy source made from non-polluting renewable material.

Well, it pollutes the little doodies.

We'll never get a presentation together in time.

You will with my help.

What are you doing here, Geoffrey?

Aren't you on Roger Beekman's team?

That's yesterday's news, Chuck.

Not really. I saw you working with him like an hour ago.

What, did he kick you off his team?

Let's just say I'm kicking myself onto yours.

What do you say, kids? Do we need his help?

Well, that's all I need to hear!

All right. We got a little time and a lot of work to do.

Mr. Jellineck.

Okay.

I'm out of ideas.

Perhaps we can present the battery

using the traditional music of my homeland, Indonesia.

What the hell does that have to do with a goddamn battery?

Nothing.

Well, nothing is something I'm used to working with.

I love it!

Let's do it!

Hidey ho! See anything you like?

We're still looking.

Hmm. Ouch.

That's a long title.

I was napping before I made it to the end.

Please.

All I'm saying is, don't quit your day job.

These are high school students.

Oh, how long can they use that excuse?

She's with me now, Onyx.

On the board of ed.

Can we please keep this educational?

Ah, the miracle of reproduction.

Oh, my.

That's full-on balding.

Wow. I'm impressed.

Mount Valley might have this one nailed.

Hmm.

Whoa, what do we have here?

Another showstopping science fair project by Roger Beekman.

This is exhilarating.

Titillating.

♪ Fire was invented by burning some wood ♪

♪ The water wheel is a wheel that could ♪

♪ When you boil liquid, it gets you some steam ♪

♪ Fossil fuel doesn't keep the environment clean ♪

♪ Superconductor, superconductor ♪

♪ Superconductor ♪

Roger, I knew you could do it. I loved it.

You've redefined the science project as we know it.

I love those catchy songs with those rhymes

and those ladies in their catsuits and that machine, whatever it did.

Oh, Onyx, that was wonderful.

Ah, I'm just warming up.

You whore!

Well, I'm just gonna go tally up the points.

Well, tally-ho, then.

Wait!

Wait!

What's this about, knoblet?

My project.

What about it? Roger's already got this thing

wrapped up tighter than a teenage burrito.

Look, these students stayed up

And put this project together all by myself.

And I think I deserve to have them show you

What I'm capable of letting them do.

If I may interject...

I'm sure I don't need to remind the judge

That there can be no new entries once the tallying has begun.

Hmm.

Henry loves Alice?

Well, I guess they're still eligible.

All right, let's make it quick.

I want to get my award and go home.

Well, Henry, do you think you're capable

Of tallying up the scores?

I think I can handle it.

Why don't I just declare the victor?

The winner of the state science fair is...

Chuck Knoblet!

Whoo!

Ha! Yes!

Yes, that makes me hydrogen.

I don't understand.

Element number one.

No, chuck, you're a boron.

Come, boswell.

Knoblet, I knew you could do it.

Congratulations.

Still you, Jerri.

Let me rephrase that.

Who's the winner now, huh?

Daddy!

Daddy!

I'm sorry, Jerri.

But I saw him move.

That was me. I was just trying to prime the pump.

I was hoping to get a kickstart.

But I thought if I won...

I know what you thought, Jerri.

I told you to think it.

Fire! Fire!

Geoffrey.

Chuck.

Claire!

What's going on?

You were knocked unconscious.

Luckily, your father carried you to safety.

What?

It seems that the shock from the explosion

Rocked him out of his eternal slumber.

Daddy!

Careful, careful. He's resting.

He was in a coma for 32 years.

He's got a lot of sleep to catch up on.

So how soon before she's healthy enough to move?

Oh, I think you'd probably get her up and walking in a couple of days.

No, I mean move out.

The important thing is

That she has a qualified physician at her side at all times.

Well, I'll say good night.

Hanks.

We have cable, right?

Yeah, downstairs.

If you're paying for cable and not watching tv, you're losing money.

It's just simple economics.

Tamelas, Megawattis, get in here.

Switch.

Switch.

There you go.

Oh, it's so good to see you guys.

I can't believe you won that science fair.

Actually, we got disqualified, Jerri.

Oh, well.

At least I learned a valuable lesson.

Timeless, mangawattie,

I'm so sorry for betraying you,

For betraying my daddy.

I sold you out because I wanted friends

That were more attractive and popular than you.

But I've changed.

Now I know that I shouldn't feel the way I so strongly still do.

Team!

Hi, I'm Jerri Blank, and that was my story.

Now, before you judge me, consider this.

You're not so innocent yourself.

I'm guessing you've done some pretty horrible things.

Like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic.

Oh, wait, that was me.

The point is, you're a racist.

Think about it. I haven't.

Goodnight.

♪ She really loves the phallus. ♪

♪ Likes the po' ♪

♪ And yes, she loves the ladies. ♪

♪ Digs the hole ♪

♪ She eats the mashed potatoes. ♪

♪ Chewing up baby ♪

♪ Cause she loves the gravy. ♪

♪ Gravy ♪

♪ You know she's a boozer. ♪

♪ Passes out on floors. ♪

♪ And yes, she is a loser. ♪

♪ Never scores ♪

♪ She's known to be a user. ♪

♪ Jerk it off ♪

♪ She's so sexy. ♪

♪ Sexy ♪

♪ She knifed a Filipino. ♪

♪ With a shiv ♪

♪ And yes, she burned some Haitians. ♪

♪ On the boat ♪

♪ She doesn't like albinos. ♪

♪ No pigment ♪

♪ She's an ambassador of love. ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Chunky's on a Moonfit. ♪

♪ She's fat ♪

♪ But black men can really shred it. ♪

♪ Shudda do ♪

♪ When watching people dancing. ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ It's hard to watch the credits. ♪

♪ Let em roll ♪