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Hello, and welcome
to The Weeping Shed,
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where people bring in their old
stuff that reminds them
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00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,240
of relations who have passed away.
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00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,560
And then we fix their stuff using
olde worlde craft skills
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00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,320
and then hopefully
the people who brought in
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00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,080
the stuff in get all emotional
and do some weeping.
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It's incredibly wholesome.
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00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,280
Sam here is one of
the craftspersons.
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00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,040
Hi, Sam. Hi, Benji.
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Well, you're the sort of handsome
craftsperson in a woolly jumper that
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I wouldn't mind taking home
to meet my mum.
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I know.
What are you up to, Sam?
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I'm repairing this miniature
grandfather clock
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brought into us by Maureen.
Lovely.
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00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,600
And did the miniature grandfather
clock belong
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00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,040
to Maureen's grandfather?
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It did, Benji, yes.
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And you know my next question!
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Aha, as far as I'm aware
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the grandfather himself was
of average height.
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Oh, that's a pity.
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And when she brought it in, was it
in a right old flipping state?
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I'm afraid it was Benji, yes.
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But now you've used your all your
wholesome olde worlde skills
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to make it all lovely?
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Well, I've tried.
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Oh, that's likeably modest
of you Sam.
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I think you've done a great job.
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Thanks, Benji, that's really
supportive of you.
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It's nice here, isn't it?
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It's very nice here.
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It's a kind of vision
of England that people who voted
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for Brexit probably imagined they
were protecting.
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Perhaps. Personally, I would avoid
striking
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that slightly divisive tone, Benji.
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00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,600
That's typically good-looking
of you Sam.
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00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,400
Because this programme is very good
at emphasising our shared humanity.
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Amen to that. And I use the word
"Amen" pointedly,
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because there's something
faintly Christo
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and Songs of Praise-y about this
whole enterprise isn't there?
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00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,160
There is.
They should put us on at Easter.
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00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,880
I think they do!
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Email from the Channel 4 lawyer,
we can't call Russell Brand "that".
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What, we can't say that he's a...
No, we can't say that.
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What can't we say? It's what you
think - we can't say that.
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Oh, that? We can't say that?
Why not?
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Because he might not be.
I mean, he denies it.
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00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,760
I think he is, but you know,
that's just me.
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00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,240
Can you not just say that you think
he is? Apparently not.
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00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,800
You can't say what you think?
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00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,800
No, what I'm thinking right now,
I must not say.
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That would be illegal -
that would make me the criminal,
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00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,480
Sorry I'm not allowed
to say it like that.
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That would make me the
criminal...
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00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,440
..that would make me a criminal
And I certainly wouldn't want that.
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00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,320
So, we'd better not mention
him, then.
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00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:49,760
To be fair on the guy... Oh, yes,
let's be fair on the guy.
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00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,720
Yes, let's be fair to Russell Brand,
yes why not.
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Two wrongs don't make a right.
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00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,960
Not two wrongs - only one wrong
here, us being unfair to him.
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That's the only wrong.
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Yeah, one wrong makes a wrong.
Not two wrongs.
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00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,760
To be fair on the guy, he did get
himself baptised in the River
Thames.
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00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,960
It's the Thames I feel sorry for.
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00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,760
They did quite a good job
of cleaning that up and then...
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00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,440
I think that's when Thames Water
just stopped trying.
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00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,760
I heard all the trout south
of Wallingford went belly up.
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EMAIL ARRIVES
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Email from the lawyer, we can't say
Thames Water stopped trying.
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00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,360
OK, so we need to be fair
to Russell Brand
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and fair to Thames Water.
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00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,160
We really are on the side of
the angels, aren't we?
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Wait how did they know we're saying
that? Are they listening to us?
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Not just listening.
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They're watch they're watching us?
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Even in the toilets.
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Lawyer again.
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We can't say that Channel 4
watches us in the toilets.
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Is it weird that that's kind of
a comfort to me?
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00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,720
Like, I've always wondered if I go
to the toilet
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the same way as everyone else.
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Channel 4 says you don't.
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00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,840
Yeah, no, I haven't got around
to watching John Wick 4 yet.
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00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,440
Oh, you must,
it's absolutely brilliant.
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00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,240
Was the violence as intense as
you'd hoped?
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It's off the scale.
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00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,120
There's this brilliant fight scene
where John Wick's got
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00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,400
to get up these steps to a church
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00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:08,440
and he's ambushed by these
swarthy Mexican Arab Russians.
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00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,080
Baddies? That's racist of you to
assume that, but, yes, they are.
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00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:16,240
The first guy tries to slash John
Wick with a machete but he ducks,
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00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,320
punches the guy in
the ribs then shoots him in
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00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,960
the face point blank and the guy
sadly passes away - just at
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the moment when John Wick's jumped
from behind by
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a bloke with a massive chain.
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John Wick tosses him over his
shoulders - splat!
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Onto the ground - bang!
Shoots his face off,
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the chain guy sadly passes away,
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just as a knife slashes at
John Wick,
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00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,720
he swerves, smashes the knife guy
with the massive chain,
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shoots his brains out,
he sadly passes.
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00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,800
The next guy gets throttled with
the chain but just when he's on
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00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:50,720
the point of sadly passing away,
John Wick grabs his knife
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and thrusts it deep into
the throat of
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a bloke who's come literally
from nowhere
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and now he passes away peacefully on
the end of
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the knife surrounded by his friends
- three heavily-tattooed
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Mexican Arab Russians.
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00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,120
Who charge firing machineguns,
but John Wick's a better shot.
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Bam! Sadly, passes away. Bam! Sadly,
passes over.
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Bam! Sadly,
no longer with us.
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What a wonderful blood bath.
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00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,560
And that's just the first ten
seconds of that scene.
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Another pint, gents?
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Thanks.
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00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,200
Ooh, this lobster looks nice.
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00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,720
I caught it this morning out by
the Bay. Oh, right?
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00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,080
Only half an hour since I plunged it
alive into boiling water
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00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:32,000
and it fell asleep on this day,
12th June, 2025.
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Can you take a picture of it?
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My battery's sadly passed away.
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Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...
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I'm giving the fuckin' farm
to this cunt.
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Fuck's sake.
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00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,160
This fuckin' farm's my fuckin'
farm now.
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00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:56,440
Piss! I fuckin' love you,
you stupid fuckin' bitch.
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00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,360
You fuck!
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00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,040
This is my fuckin' farm now.
129
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,360
Sur-prise sur-fuckin-prise.
130
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,520
Is this mother-fucker my fuckin'
mother or what?
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This is my fuckin' farm now.
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GUN FIRES
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You've fuckin' killed
the cunt, you dozy fuck!
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00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,080
Which cunt did I kill?
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00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,280
SHEEP BLEAT
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00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,360
I'd like to say a few fuckin' words.
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She was a dick and now she's fucked.
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Forever fucked.
Hear, fuckin' hear.
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Too fuckin' right.
Well, fuckin' said.
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00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,800
That dead fucker wasn't fucking dead
when we thought she was fucking
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00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,320
dead, but she's fucking dead now.
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Say what you like about that
dead dick,
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but she loved this fuckin' farm.
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Her fuckin' farm.
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00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:42,400
But since the lazy arsehole left no
fuckin' will,
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the fuckin' farm reverts
to yours fuckin truly!
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00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,840
It's my fuckin' farm again.
148
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,160
I've found a fucking will.
Fuck!
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Fuck!
Fuck's sake!
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00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,680
I've kept this fuckin' farm together
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00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,320
through famine and fuckin' flood
and I'm fucked up
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00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:07,440
the twat if I'm gonna let some prick
steal it out from under my arse!
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00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,960
Sorry, who's fuckin' farm, is it?
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SIRENS
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00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,240
And so, Prime Minister,
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00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,120
we've utilised the billions
of pounds provided
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00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,440
to us over the last decade into
understanding not only
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00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,400
the cause of climate change,
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00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,120
but also what practical actions
we can take to slow
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00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,080
and even reverse
the effects on our globe.
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00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,400
I give to you,
our fully comprehensive report.
162
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,040
And, what does that top
line represent?
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00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,920
It's wanking, sir.
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00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,240
Wanking?
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00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,120
That's right,
after all our extensive research,
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00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,720
we've found that masturbation
accounts for fully 92% of
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00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,120
the negative effects
of climate change.
168
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,760
If we can sort that, the planet
would essentially be saved.
169
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:30,960
It's brilliant news.
170
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,000
No, it isn't.
What's brilliant about it?
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00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,960
Well, we've solved the problem.
172
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,560
We need to cut down on fossil fuels,
flying, eating meat.
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00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,120
We don't even need to do the
recycling - we just stop wanking.
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00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,760
Easy for you to say, you're not
going into an election next year.
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00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,320
What am I supposed to campaign on?
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"Vote for me and stop masturbating"?
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00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,960
It's never been tried before
Prime Minister.
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00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,360
Well, there's a reason it's never
been tried before.
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00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,040
The opposition would have
a field day.
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00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,120
Or "feel day" more like?
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00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,760
That is not helping.
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00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,760
Look, you need to ban wanking,
you just put a tax on it.
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00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,440
A tax on emissions.
184
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,840
Are you really a scientist?
185
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,160
Look, say £2,000 per wank?
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00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,520
I'm not paying that.
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00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,240
We can scarcely get them
to cough up
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00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,200
170 quid for a TV licence.
189
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,200
And that's thousands of hours
of entertainment.
190
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,320
You're expecting them to pay £2,000
191
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,120
and then they have
to do it themselves.
192
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:25,720
Look Prime Minister, we avoid making
it a party-political matter.
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00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,920
We find a cross-party consensus
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00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,040
and we put it to the people in the
form of a referendum.
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00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,600
Yes, a straightforward choice
the world as we know it is
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00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,080
going to end unless we cut
out aeroplanes,
197
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:40,280
fossil fuels, cars, plastic,
everything...
198
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,280
Or stop wanking.
199
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,400
Right, so the referendum question
would be -
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00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,880
wanking or everything else?
201
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:53,000
Yes, wanking or civilisation as
we know it.
202
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,600
Right, well, I think we can trust
the good sense of
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00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,160
the British public to give us
the answer we need.
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00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,560
VULTURE CRIES
205
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,520
It turns out there are just some
questions
206
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,760
that shouldn't be decided
in a referendum.
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00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,280
Try blowing on it.
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00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,200
You do it - I'm off for a wank!
209
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,120
KNOCK AT DOOR
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00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,480
Mr Wendell? Yes? Mr Arnold Wendell?
That's me.
211
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,320
Hi, I'm from JigJag, you know,
the trainer brand?
212
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,760
I do - I wear JigJag trainers.
213
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,320
Indeed, the I see you're wearing the
ones you bought from us yesterday.
214
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,920
Yeah. We want them back.
215
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,760
What? Yes, we have had a look at
your socials
216
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,720
and unfortunately some of your views
don't accord with our values.
217
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:48,800
What views?
218
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,320
I can't say, but rest assured,
it's bad!
219
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,800
We can't have you
walking around in our trainers.
220
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,520
Take them off!
No, they're mine.
221
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,280
I've brought you
a partial cash refund.
222
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,080
It's not a full re-fund,
you understand,
223
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,080
because that would mean that we
are endorsing your disgusting views.
224
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,840
Now, take those shoes off.
225
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,520
If anyone sees you in them,
our brand is toast.
226
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,880
Well, this is outrageous!
227
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,760
I'm entitled to my views.
228
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,480
Yes, you are entitled to your views,
but you're not entitled
229
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,040
to associate them with our brand,
230
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,240
thus jeopardising the hard work
done by thousands of Chinese
231
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,640
children every day.
232
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,240
Oh, for Christ's sake,
all I said was...
233
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,760
And this is where you come in.
234
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,560
What do you think was Arnold's
unacceptable view?
235
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,640
Of course, we have our own ideas,
but they may not accord
with your ideas.
236
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,120
And, the last thing we would want is
to disrupt
237
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,360
the revenue stream that you
represent.
238
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,560
For example, the character of Arnold
might have made a joke
239
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,280
that was very homophobic.
240
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,840
Or a joke that belittled homophobic
people.
241
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,240
Who are a minority, after all.
242
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,200
Or, obviously,
it might have been something much,
243
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,720
much worse than
either of those things.
244
00:11:55,760 --> 00:12:00,000
Something from, you know,
one of THOSE subject areas?
245
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:04,400
Yeah, are you all thinking about
THOSE two or three subjects areas?
246
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,800
The ones that make you go, Oh, my
God! Argh!
247
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,520
It's got to the point where you
can't..
248
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,040
I can't believe he said that!
249
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,560
Oh! No!
250
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,360
So, just imagine that we've done
whichever of those things
is your one...
251
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,640
And pretend that we've gone
there in precisely
252
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,480
the way that you would hope.
253
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,960
Bearing in mind that we didn't and
we never will.
254
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,800
But, we did have a little
go at Chinese labour practices,
255
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,400
which was perhaps worth
saying 15 years ago.
256
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,520
Of course, these days it's
the least of our fucking problems.
257
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,640
Hmm.
258
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,440
Anyway, on with the sketch!
Oh, we've finished.
259
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,440
Oh, yes, we've pretty much finished,
haven't we?
260
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,240
Hmm. Bye! Bye!
261
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,120
Then he just took
the phone out of my hand
262
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,880
and then he rode away on his bike.
263
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,400
I tried to chase him but I,
I couldn't,
264
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,280
I was just so scared.
265
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,720
I'm sorry.
266
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,520
That's OK. We both appreciate this
must have been
267
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,800
a very distressing experience.
268
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,680
But the more information we can get,
the better.
269
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,840
Yeah, Of course, of course,
I, of course...
270
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,560
Now you say the assailant threatened
you with a knife?
271
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,920
Yes, that's correct.
272
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,000
And how long was the blade?
273
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,240
I don't know that, I don't know.
274
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:20,960
Well, for reference, was it shorter
or longer than this pen?
275
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,520
Oh, longer, definitely longer -
like a pen and a half.
276
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,240
OK, that's good.
A pen and a half. Brilliant.
277
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,560
And the subject was tall.
Can you recall how tall exactly?
278
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,680
I don't know, it was all just such a
blur, it's all gone blurry.
279
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,320
The more precise you can be,
the more likely we are to find him.
280
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,800
Of course.
281
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,880
Um, er...
282
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,480
..15 pens.
283
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,040
15 pens?
Yeah.
284
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,400
15, maybe 16 pens.
285
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,000
16 pens?
286
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,080
Erm, now the bike
he left the scene on,
287
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,840
did that have any
distinguishing features?
288
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,440
Not that I can remember.
289
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,600
Just like normal, I guess -
290
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,120
something like 12 pens by six pens?
291
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,680
Something like that.
292
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,120
You're doing really well.
293
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,280
Right, let's get you
a cup of tea, shall we?
294
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,480
Now, I understand you've had
a very stressful day,
295
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,160
but we need to paint a clear
a picture as possible.
296
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,040
Does that make sense?
Absolutely, yes.
297
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,760
Good. So let's start at
the beginning, all right?
298
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,120
What were you doing before
the incident occurred?
299
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:26,400
So, I had just left work, and I went
to the pub around the corner.
300
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:31,000
OK. And it's not very far -
it was like 3,000 pens.
301
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,680
Right, I'll just put
"around the corner".
302
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,960
And, yeah,
I guess I had a few drinks.
303
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,280
How many is a few?
304
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,960
In pens? I don't know.
Right, why don't we...
305
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,360
Then I got a pizza,
well that would have been well,
306
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,440
do you want that in circumference
or diameters?
307
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,520
Circumference is fine, love.
308
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,080
It was maybe five...
309
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,600
..or six possibly.
310
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,720
Why don't we forget about this, OK,
and let's just focus on
the phone, all right?
311
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,240
We all know what a phone is, that's
a given, we don't need any reference
for that. No, no.
312
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,000
But what we do need to know is if
there was anything unique about it.
313
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,240
Erm, it was fairly new.
314
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,760
Great.
315
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,440
I'd say he's gonna get quite
a bit for it.
316
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,200
Could you guess how much?
317
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,960
800 pens?
318
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,760
800 pens!? All right, Mrs Moneybags!
319
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,280
No more pens!
320
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,000
Look I'm sorry about
what happened to you,
321
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,280
but if you can't provide any
useful information,
322
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,760
then there is nothing we can do
to help solve this case.
323
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:32,000
Constable Marsh, would you kindly
see this woman out?
324
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:36,440
If it helps,
he had a scar on his face.
325
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,960
About the size of a...
326
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,280
Get out.
327
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:55,080
It's Day 20 and the middle-aged men
have just been told they're
328
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,160
going to be joined by
a middle-aged woman.
329
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,600
You're going to be joined by
a middle-aged woman.
330
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,000
She got a name?
331
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,280
Well, yes.
332
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,080
No, I just meant what is her name -
I knew she would have one.
333
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,760
Oh, Janet.
334
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,160
She sounds like hard work.
335
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,000
What are we going to talk about?
336
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,400
We'll just ask her about
her journey.
337
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:22,280
What you mean, her path through
the tribulations of life so far?
338
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:26,800
Fuck, no! No, I mean,
how she got here - what roads?
339
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,320
Oh, right. Yeah, good, yeah.
340
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,360
So, she's coming tomorrow
what's that?
341
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,680
That's Thursday. It's not ideal,
is it?
342
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,640
I mean, it's not a Friday.
No, but it's not exactly a Tuesday.
343
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,080
No, it's a Thursday.
344
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,720
To be fair though,
I will say the traffic in Scotland,
345
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,360
the part of it I've seen,
is really remarkably light.
346
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,640
I don't mean that in an arsey way.
347
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,360
No, no, of course not, no,
it's just a question
of population density isn't it,
348
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,360
and, as you say,
virtually nobody lives here.
349
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,360
I was straight through from
Inverness Airport.
350
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,680
No customs, obviously,
I just rolled through.
351
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:06,840
And they've laid on a Touran, we're
straight on the A96 and no hold ups.
352
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,720
Did you not get held at the
temporary light near Strathcarron?
353
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:10,960
You're right, I forgot about that.
354
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,840
But that was just two minutes.
They had the road up,
355
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,160
they were installing some sort
of fibre optic cable.
356
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,840
No, yeah, there's a lot of that.
357
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,440
Apart from that, a clear run.
358
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,840
I've got prostate cancer.
359
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,560
Sorry to hear that, Steve.
360
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,000
Maybe that's something you could
talk to Janet about.
361
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,840
Yeah, yeah.
362
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,600
Right, I just might erm...
363
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,240
Yeah, me too.
364
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,760
I think that's one of
the curable ones.
365
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,000
If they've caught early.
366
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,920
Well, it looks like we've finished
writing the show -
we're almost there.
367
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,120
I don't think so. We're not done
yet - not by a long chalk.
368
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,840
A long what? Chalk. A long chalk,
it's an expression.
369
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,320
What does it mean?
370
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,160
Not yet, nowhere near.
371
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:37,200
Chalk? A long chalk.
By a long chalk?
372
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,560
Yes, by a long chalk.
373
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,360
As in "beside a long chalk"?
374
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,840
No, not as in beside -
by a long chalk.
375
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,640
Now, I'm making it sound weird.
376
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:50,320
By a long chalk, as opposed to a
medium-sized chalk, I suppose.
377
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,720
Chalk? Oh, fuck off!
People say it all the time.
378
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,000
Like, in EastEnders, Kathy would
say,
379
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,200
"We're not finished talking
about this, Pete, not by a
long chalk."
380
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,040
Oh, I haven't watched EastEnders.
381
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,280
You don't have to watch EastEnders,
it's not an EastEnders thing.
382
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,520
And what does Pete say?
What?
383
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,800
Kathy's saying that Pete's chalk
is not long enough.
384
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,520
Does Pete need to get a new chalk?
385
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,960
Like a bigger chalk?
It's not a real chalk.
386
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,280
Oh, is it his penis?
387
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,000
Is this Pete Beale?
388
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,640
I haven't watched since Angie,
but didn't he die?
389
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,040
Did Pete Beale die
of some penis disease?
390
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,280
Because he was eating the chalk?
391
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,960
No, I think the chalk is his
fatal penis?
392
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,400
No, it's not a penis,
it's real chalk.
393
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,200
It's from when scripts were written
on all these little slates
394
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:35,040
with chalk and they used loads,
so they needed really long chalks.
395
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,960
Long chalk? Are you sure?
396
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:41,280
Yeah, well they wouldn't have said
"and not by a long chalk" back then,
397
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,600
it would have been "Lo, I writeth
scene four
398
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,320
"as the last wisps of
moonlight escape my grasp.
399
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,360
"And I put my slate next
to my bedchamber door,
400
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,880
"in the knowledge that my
masterpiece is not yet complete,
401
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,360
"not by a long chalk."
402
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,600
Oh, wow, That's really beautiful.
403
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,920
Yeah, but now we just say,
"and not by a long chalk".
404
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,520
That's right, isn't it Rob?
405
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,480
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
406
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,360
Is this the way to the pool?
407
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,960
Yeah, just through there.
408
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,680
I don't think that works.
No.
409
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,160
You know that's the producer.
Yeah.
410
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,120
Look, we all knew we
needed something,
411
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,480
we can't end on
the chalk discussion.
412
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,680
So, you type something a bit mad,
a bit visual.
413
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:37,200
You know, "Let's mix it up a bit,
it can't all be people talking
and talking and talking,
414
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,280
"what would Python do?
Let's try something a bit wacky!"
415
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,680
And then, before you know it, you're
watching a man you've worked with
416
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,920
since the late '90s undress in
the production office.
417
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,760
Oh, my God. Because apparently there
isn't budget for an actor to do it.
418
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,000
But it's different, isn't it?
419
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,720
"A man walks through in
swimming trunks",
420
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,040
that could be a funny visual,
but watching someone you know well,
421
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,840
who is not a professional performer,
watching him finish a difficult
422
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,400
call with the commissioning editor
423
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:07,400
and then start taking his socks off
by his desk - that changes things.
424
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,280
You just think, "It doesn't matter
that much,
425
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,640
"there's no need for that".
426
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,280
Let's just let the item fizzle out
and...
427
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,000
Stop!
428
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,840
Haven't you got lovely
fingers, Sam?
429
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,440
Thanks.
430
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,040
Welcome back to The Weeping Shed
and if you've just joined us,
431
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,440
Sam is repairing this miniature
grandfather clock which belonged
432
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,000
to Maureen's grandfather who
was heighto-typical
433
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,440
and is now sadly no longer
with us or her.
434
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,320
I think Maureen was hoping that by
fixing her grandfather's miniature
435
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,840
grandfather clock,
436
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,800
I would in some way be bringing her
grandfather back to life.
437
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,800
That's a pleasing abstraction,
but of course in
438
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,600
a literal sense it's nonsense,
isn't it?
439
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,280
Yes, it's nonsense.
I repair clocks, not brain damage.
440
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,560
Copy that. Of course, the whole area
of grief and death is
441
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,600
so upsetting that people
quite understandably
442
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,520
try to comfort themselves by talking
shit, don't they?
443
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:20,880
Well, this, is it?
444
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,560
So, when Maureen comes in later
445
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,360
and says something along
the lines of,
446
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,160
"It's like you've brought my
grandfather back to life"
447
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,520
we should be alert to the
metaphorical content of that
448
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,320
statement and not start worrying
the poor woman can't tell
449
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,560
the difference between
a carpenter and a necromancer.
450
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,640
That's right, Benji.
I'm very much just a carpenter.
451
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,120
Well, hang on there with
the "just" there, Sam.
452
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,480
Jesus was a carpenter, wasn't he?
453
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,600
Well, according to two of the four
New Testament Gospels, yes.
454
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,440
In fact, come to think of it,
if we believe the story of Lazarus,
455
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,800
Jesus was both a carpenter
and a necromancer.
456
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,400
He really is the ideal person
for this programme, isn't he?
457
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:57,880
Jesus should be doing my job.
458
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,800
I'm not going to argue with
that, Sam.
459
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,920
But if we can't have Jesus,
I think you're the next best thing.
460
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,200
That's very nice.
461
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,000
Let's see how Cathy's getting on
with that gramophone.
462
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:21,320
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