All language subtitles for Mitchell and Webb Are Not Helping (2025) S01E04

Knock, knock,
have you got a minute, Ken?

Of course, headmaster, but I have
got a lesson in half an hour

where I expect we'll be doing
fractions again.

Ah, you see this is what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I tried telling them last year,
you know,

find the lowest common denominator,

but just when you think you're
getting somewhere,

they go off for the summer,

come back and it's like you're
talking Hungarian.

Yeah, I think I can see
the problem here.

Highest common factor.
"What's that, sir?"

"Stop screaming that 'we have been
over and over and over this', sir,

"we're getting frightened."

I mean, where do they go on holiday,
to a memory-wiping clinic?

No, it's...
Are there such things?

Cos I'd give that a go.

Nice place in Switzerland,
view of the lake.

And then you see it as if for
the first time every day.

Oh, dear, I'm still getting
a tiny tingle of trauma,

stick me back in the machine.

Ahhhh.

Ken... We went to Spain.

It. Was. Shit.

They're different children.

Yeah, it's like they're
different children.

No, they ARE different children.

Every school year, every July,

you finish teaching one group
of children and then,

the following September,

a different group
of children arrive,

who, crucially - and I need you to
concentrate on this -

don't know what you spent
the last year teaching

to some completely
different people.

What are you talking about?

I can't think of another way
of saying it,

they're different children.

What, the ones that sit here?

The small, noisy, stupid people
who don't know anything?

Yeah, they're eight years old, Ken.

They must be older than that,
they've been here years.

No, they haven't. Yes, they have,
they're always there.

Smelly, malcoordinated,

easily distracted,
freak out about wasps.

They're different ones.

But...but this means...

What?!

That's not fair.

That's like, every year,
I paint a mountain,

turn my back for six weeks
and you've unpainted it,

you've covered it in shit...

Mountain's wrong -
I've built a cathedral and you've...

I know what you're getting at.

I was given to understand,
at teacher training college,

that I would teach children maths.

I would teach them
and then they would be taught.

But now you're telling me that,

however many children I teach
maths to,

you will find some more who
don't know maths

and make me teach them, knowing
that, as soon as they get it,

they too will be gone,
and I'll be back to square one

with some other bunch
of little shits.

I would never have agreed to that.

It's very much the job, Ken.
The job is for me to carry on

teaching children fractions until
I've taught all the children

in the world or I die,
whichever happens first?

How could you begin
to pay me enough for such

a feat of Sisyphean futility?

This is very much why I became
a head teacher.

I just do the admin now.

BELL RINGS,
CHILDREN CLAMOUR

Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...

Is this mother-fucker my fuckin'
mother or what?

She's your fuckin' mother,
all-fuckin'-right.

But my fuckin' mothers fucked.
She's dead as a fuckin' doornail.

Well, surprise sur-fuckin-prise.

Fuck me. Fuck's sake.

That's a turn-up for
the fuckin' books.

Fuck! The fuckin' books.

That's fuckin' right.

If your mother-fucking fuckin'
mother's un-fucked then, shit.

Too fuckin' right.
This is my fuckin' farm now.

Over my dead fuckin' body.

That can be a-fuckin'-rranged.

If you shitters don't give me
the fuckin' books,

I'm going to blow every fuckin' one

of your bastard,
cock-breath brains out.

What the fuck?

Give your fuckin' mother
the mother-fuckin' books.

I've kept this fucking farm together
through rain and fuckin' shine

and I'm fucked if I'm going to hand
it over to some shit-for-brains twat

who shat me out!

You little shit-clit!

You dog-nobbing arsehole!
GUNSHOT

Fuck! Christ!

Sugar!

You've fuckin' killed the cunt,
you dozy fuck.

Which cunt? Which cunt did I kill?

Ooh, what if NASA sends
a pianist to Uranus?

Yes. This is all excellent.

HARSH WHISTLE BLOWS

OK bozos, shut the fuck up!

Sorry...sorry for swearing just now.

As you can see, I've been appointed
the new fire officer,

so from now on,
we take the fire alarm seriously.

When it sounds, we all have
to evacuate in an orderly fashion.

Because one day, there's going to be
a real fire, fingers crossed,

and then you'll all know what to do
and you'll say thank you, Lara,

thank you because I am not burning.

OK, I think I know
what this is about.

This is because we ignored that
fire alarm last week.

Yeah, too right it is, yeah.

And that's not going to happen
again, not on my watch.

So, when the fire alarm goes off -

and I'm not saying that I
know when -

but WHEN it goes off,
we all have to leave the room, OK?

This is not necessarily a drill.

It'll obviously be a drill.
Did you consider that maybe it's a

real fire that wants you think it's
a drill? It's never a real fire.

OK, so, I just don't see why
the pianist has to go to Uranus?

Like, it still has to make sense.

Like, maybe he's lost
his fanny pack.

Sorry -

sometimes it's a real fire. What?

I actually have been through
a fire.

Oh, God, Krystal, really?
Was it bad?

Yeah. It was really bad.
You know, I barely escaped

and I got burned and....

WHISTLE
That's right, Krystal! That's right!

Sometimes it's a real fire.

OK, all right.

The drill will start momentarily,
OK?

Or is it a drill?
That's the thing with fires,

you never really know,
right, Krystal? Tell 'EM

ALARM BELL

Aargh!
There's a fire in the building!

Everybody get out now,
this is not a drill.

I promise, this is NOT a drill.

It could be in the kitchen,
it could be in the toilet.

It could be a flame bomb dropping
from the sky.

This could be Armageddon!

So, please leave the building in
an orderly fashion, thank you.

ALARM STOPS

Kry...Krsytal?

No, I've changed my mind.

You know what could be really funny?

If the pianist had a name
that sounded like another rude word.

So, like, Cockmeister.

Good morning.

Today marks a new dawn in our
country's shared history,

a Budget that offers hope for
the future.

I will today be announcing
a raft of new measures,

including £4 billion for
improved bus services,

£20 billion for the NHS,

and £200 billion to be put into
a special compensation fund,

for when it becomes apparent that
what happened, happened.

Also, there's no money
for roundabouts any more.

Sorry, Chancellor...?
So, if you get to

a junction where there's loads
of different roads coming off it,

you'll just have to feel out
the vibe. Chancellor...?

Sorry, could I just ask you
to go back, Chancellor?

- To..to the roundabouts?
- No, no, before.

Yeah, the bit before that.

The, erm, £200 billion in
a special compensation fund

for when it becomes apparent that
what happened, happened.

OK. Furthermore...

Sorry, what does "what happened"
mean? What did happen?

Look, the British public want us
to look forward, not back.

Or even, in this case,
sideways at what's...happening.

Sorry, did you say happen-ING?

So it's happening now?

A bit. Probably.

Look, I think we're getting
bogged down.

It would be wrong for me to comment
on things issues outside my remit,

like...well, we don't know what.

We should probably be fine.

But are there ongoing concerns?

Anything, you know,
in the pipeline?

Who told you about the pipeline?

What?

It's probably fine, they've got most
of it out

and it's in space now anyway.
We're probably fine.

As long as no one's still
using toasters. Sorry, toasters?

Yeah, the way they cook the bread,
it's not natural.

You should really use a grill.

Or a steamer,
if you don't mind wet toast.

But other than that,
we should be fine.

People don't use phone boxes
any more. Even Superman.

Sorry, was there something wrong
with phone boxes?

I'll say.
GENERAL HUBBUB

Oh, was that news to you?
We've got used to it here.

No, phone boxes,

it seems that they were making
the handsets out of something...

Well, it was cheaper than
normal plastic and it turns out

there was a reason. A reason?

Yeah, it seems there was some...

Something was getting in.
Well, what?

Well, you know that bit in
Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan,

where they put that nasty creature
in Chekov's ear?

Well, it's not as bad as that.

But it's not nice.

Because it's just so hard,
isn't it? Writing's hard.

Well, that's why it's so great we
have these writers' coffee mornings.

To support each other. You see,
people do make expositional remarks

in real life. Yeah, we don't need
to be so hard on ourselves.

Oh, sorry, EM Forster,
you were saying you were having

a bit of trouble with the novel
you're working on?

Oh, yes, I'm having an absolute
mare, Suzie.

It's... Well, you know I'm calling
my novel Howards End?

And just to be clear, EM Forster,
that's not Howard's Bell End,

it's just the name of the house?
It's not about anyone's cock?

Not this one, no. Right.

So, I have this character called
Leonard Bast.

Bast? Are you sure
that's a real name, EM Forster?

Do you think that's believable?

You don't think it should be,
like Leonard Brown,

or Leonard Potter,
like in Harry Potter?

Oh, who's Leonard Potter in Harry
Potter? No, I just mean Potter.

Well, in that case, it's been done.

Well, everything's been done.

That's why hashtag writing is
so hard. Hashtag true.

But anyway, sorry, go on,
EM Forster, you were saying.

Well, yes, this chap, Leonard
Bast... Mmm, still not sure.

He's just a lowly insurance clerk
but he's trying to improve his mind

through extensive reading.

And mindfulness, I assume.

Yes, possibly.
And what I want to happen,

a good bit that I'm going to have,

is that he gets crushed
to death by a heavy bookcase.

Ooh, nice twist. Spoilers!

What? That sounds great.

Does it? Good. Yes.

Because I was worried. Why?

Well, in case it seems like
I'm saying - or the book is saying -

"Ha-ha, that's what you get
for trying to read books

"when you're a lower-class oik.

"Up yours, Leonard, in your face,

"no-one should
try to better themselves".

Oh. Goodness. Yes.

I'm just worried that future readers
will be unduly distracted by

the question of whether this irony
was intentional.

I don't think I would be.
I think go for it.

Thousand words a day,
just get it down.

Or, don't.

Just fuck it.
Just write one word.

Just write "the"
and then bin the week.

That's what I do most weeks.

Then again, I can see why people
might say you've gone

a bit right-wing, a bit full fash.

So maybe he just dies of,
erm, just of something normal

that people die of?

Or he just lives happily ever after,
like what happens in real life.

Yes, yes, I could do.

It just feels...

It DOES feel like quite a good bit.

Hmm, does it? To me, it does.

It's not good from Leonard's
point of view.

Yes, but you see,
Leonard isn't real.

Yes, you've made that very clear
with his name.

Hmm.

I sometimes feel I'm not cut
out for writers' support groups.

We all feel like that sometimes,
EM Forster.

Have another cookie. Cookie?

He calls them biscuits.

Oh, yes, I will.

It just does feel like
a good bit.

You see, my worry is that it will
look like Leonard Bast

is being in some way punished.

The code is 71, by the way.

All right, thanks. Please don't go.

That Leonard is trying to
improve his situation

but all he gets for his trouble is
to be crushed by the very items

that were the means
of his self-improvement.

You're worried that'll look
cruelly ironic?

That is precisely my worry.

I don't think people will mind.
Really? Yeah.

Because I do think it would
be a good bit.

You know, I think people might go,
"Fuck!"

Yeah.
Well, I look forward to seeing it.

BIKE MOVES OFF

There was a garlic naan!

But what will the compensation
for phone boxes be?

Not that much, we don't think.

Certainly nothing on the same scale
as game shows aimed at children.

ALL GASP
What? What about kids' game shows?

Oh, no, no!

It's not what you think.

No, it's just, erm, you know.
The gunge.

Gunge? What's wrong with gunge?

OK, look, let's just see
how it all plays out, all right?

The gunge is the tip of the iceberg.

How it got on the iceberg is
anybody's guess.

And obviously, the radioactivity is
no picnic, so...

Anyway where, were we?

Roundabouts, gone.

Ah, yes - I can furthermore
exclusively announce today that

we are deregulating
the pharmaceutical industry,

which will drive growth in
the private sector

and hopefully free up funding
for research into a cure

for pebble-dash lung.

Daddy?

EMOTIONAL ACOUSTIC GUITAR

# I keep running, keep running

# Keep trying to get back to you

# Keep running, keep running

# no matter what I do

# Keep running, keep running... #

OK? No?

Hey...?

OK, fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you. Yeah.

Rory, Rory...
Rory, can we have a quick selfie?

Yeah!

It's so nice to meet you.

I got you a pint.

I was surprised you answered.

They don't normally answer. Right.

Well, I'm really glad
you reached out.

Me too.

Can I see your feet?

Sure.

FART!

Biscuit?

And you get this, you know,

ooh, Dad's going around switching
all the lights off,

but the reality is,
if someone didn't do that,

the bulbs would be going every five
minutes and then what? Exactly.

Our Lily says,
"Dad, bulbs don't go any more."

Seriously? Yeah, that's what she
said. "They don't go any more."

They don't go any more?
Yeah, she says they're all LEDs now,

they don't go any more.

I looked at her and I said.
"Listen, love, they go.

"Everything goes."

They do last a lot longer now,
though.

Yeah, no, they do, yeah.

So, Cockmeister is on a journey
to find his lost cock?

A cock journey. I like it.
ALARM

Aargh!
There's a fire in the building!

Everybody get out now,
this is not a...

OK, I admit that you guys have no
reason to trust me

but I'm being serious, there's a
real fire this time, you got to go.

You won't win, Lara,

you're not going to make us
believe in the fire.

I was trying to start a little, tiny
fire in a broom cupboard,

just to try to prove my point,
just a little bit,

but it got out of hand really
quickly, and now there's a fire

and I'm being serious,
you need to get out.

Tell you what, what if the
Cockmeister gets sucked

into the black hole? That's good.
Is someone getting this down? Yeah.

Could the black hole be sucking
him off?

Mmm. Sucked off?
Sucked all the way off.

"You can event my horizon."
Something like that? I like that.

So, the cock is sucked,
but by physics.

Yes, off, all the way off.

Just not to the point
of ejaculation, OK?

So, Astronaut Cockmeister is
going to Uranus

to find his fanny pack!
This is gold. Yes.

I think, Cockmeister, is he German?

Meister? Is that...?

This is so fucked up.

Hi, how's he doing?

He's a lot perkier,
which is to be expected.

They often get a spurt of energy
when they're this close to the end.

I'll give you guys some time.
Thank you.

Hey. Hey, dad. It's me, Denise.

"Project, darling.
They can't hear you at the back".

That's what Lockie, Michael
Timbslocke - I called him Lockie -

told me on press night of
Diplodocus Ketchup.

1968, at the Almeida.

Now here I lie,
a rare 55 years later,

no regrets. Not one.

This is it. My beautiful children
surrounding me.

Though I know it will be soon,

I have no knowledge of
my last breath.

But that which I can control
are my last words.

Words to be remembered by.

Words to be immortalised on
my headstone,

should anyone choose
to visit my resting place.

Let them be these -

I am so, so proud of you all.

I am so much prouder...

..of me.

Be great.

And, scene.

SOBBING

Sorry, are you...?

Are you not going to speak any more?

He wants his last words to be
"And, scene." For the headstone.

Right, OK.

Just...I had some things
I wanted to ask.

Seriously, mate, forget it.
He's not going to speak any more.

That's absurd. It could be days yet.

It'll probably be hours.

Sorry, could you leave?
I thought you'd left.

Yeah, no, I slipped back in
for the monologue.

I love stuff like that, Shakespeare.

Which play, my boy?

Um, As You Like It.
That's my favourite.

I actually tried to get tickets

to see you in Midsummer Night's
Dream, but it was all sold out.

Ah, yes, that was quite something.

Everybody within the M25
wanted to see my Puck.

So, his last words now aren't now
"And, scene" then?

Ah, shit. Wait.

Dad... Shh!

Hang on.

Ah, yes, Puck, the mischief maker.

"Else the Puck a liar call

"So, goodnight unto you all."

Be great.

And, scene.

Beautiful. Amazing last words, Dad.

Sorry, are we all just going to sit
here in silence?

He can hold a conversation,
we don't have to stop speaking.

Denise! You're being horrible.

Yeah, I thought that.

Would you two like water? Yeah.

I'll have a sip, me old mucka. Yeah.

So those are your last words, then?
Bloody hell.

Denise, stop bullying Dad.

Does no-one else think this
is ridiculous? Ah, yeah.

"The intelligent man finds almost
everything ridiculous,

"the sensible man hardly anything."

Be great.

And, scene.

Wait, Dad, does that mean she's
better than us?

No, no, no. Just different.
Different how, Dad?

Well, she never put knickers
round her ears

and run around shouting
"I'm a silly bum head."

We did not! You absolutely did.

Both of you, it was so annoying.

That's not true,
I've no memory of that.

Well, how could you remember?
You were six.

Yes, but I would still never.

What are you talking about?

We've literally got loads of photos
of both of you

doing your stupid bum-head thing.

You always make shit up.
Why are you doing this?

Absolutely ridiculous. You were late
and now you're lying...

Guys? Guys?

I'm so sorry.

ALL SOB

Wait.

DRAMATIC BAROQUE MUSIC

And it just crushes him, you see.
Squash.

All these heavy books,
down on top of Leonard Bast.

Good. I didn't like the sound
of Leonard Bast.

Oh, really? I was hoping...

Swot.

Die, swot!

Oh, I was... Swatted.

You could call it Swatted.

So, you think it's a good bit?
I do, yes.

Any other bits you like?

None. The rest of it sounds shit.

I see.

Right, well,
I'd better keep that bit then.

Is it very hot in here or
is it because I'm secretly gay?

I think it's a bit of both,
EM Forster.

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