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Right, I call to order this week's
meeting of
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00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,400
the church elders
of Noo Scunthorpe.
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00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,240
Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
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00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,920
At the last meeting I thought
we said we'd pick somewhere nicer,
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00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,160
like Noo Bath or Noo Cheltenham.
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00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,600
Hang on, hang on.
What's this "noo" business?
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00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,360
Why's everyone saying "noo" now?
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00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,920
Noo is a noo way of saying new.
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00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,760
Or, as I prefer, noo.
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00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,560
Why do we need a new way
of saying new?
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00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,120
It's just starting to feel more
natural, like my mom was saying.
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00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,240
Like your what? What is going on?
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00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,440
We don't know.
There's something noo in the air.
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00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,920
For me, it's just saying "noo"
but for others, it's more...
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00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,320
Well, ask Tabitha to say "squirrel."
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00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,960
Oh, yeah, good one.
Say "squirrel", Tabitha.
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00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,120
Say, "The squirrel looked in
the mirror."
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00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,920
The squirl
looked in the myrr.
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00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,760
THEY LAUGH
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00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,960
What's the problem?
Nothing, it's nothing.
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00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,560
Is not laughter sinful?
Oh, Christ!
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00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:03,640
Sorry, Lord!
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00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,840
Shun him. Shun him, for he is
a papist and a blasphemer.
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00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,600
Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!
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00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,160
No, no, no, I didn't mean it,
I repent.
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00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,600
Repentance is not
for this life, devil.
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00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,840
Do you go to confession
with your noo papist friends?
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00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,680
No, of course not. This is
New England. Noo England, Satan!
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00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,240
NOO England! And there are no
Catholics here at all,
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apart from in the French bit.
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He has knowledge of the French bit!
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He celebrates the French bit's ways,
with their dancing
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00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,960
and cuisine and knee tremblers.
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00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,000
What do you know of knee
tremblers, jezebel whore?
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00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,200
She speaks of knee tremblers,
shun her!
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00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,680
Shun her! Shun her! Shun her!
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00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,200
Take her hat buckle.
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00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,640
No, not my hat buckle! I need it
for if my head changes size.
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00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,960
As well it might
as your head swells
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00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,960
with the sexual flattery of Lucifer.
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00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,960
He said "sexual." Shun him!
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00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,520
Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!
No! No!
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00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:52,560
Shun him!
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00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,760
No!
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00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,480
Just a though, is Lucy short
for Lucifer?
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00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,080
I don't think so.
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00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,280
That's a relief. I've got
a daughter called Lucy.
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00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,080
He has a daughter called Lucifer!
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00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,600
The devil has sprung from his loins.
Shun him!
50
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,280
Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!
51
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,760
But also shun her
for she said "loins."
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00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,720
I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic.
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00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,200
Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
54
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,360
Shun the dyslexic!
55
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:17,760
Shun her! Shun her!
56
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:18,800
Sorry, sorry...
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00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,840
Can I just say, this is all
very well
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00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,960
but this is why get very little done
in these meetings?
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00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,960
Shun him. Shun! Shun!
I'm already shunned.
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00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,640
Shun him again for good measure.
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00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,960
Fuck off, Andrew.
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00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,880
Look, while we're all busy shunning
each other, nothing gets achieved.
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00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,800
We're supposed to be discussing
digging a well for the village.
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00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,120
Talk to the hand, John,
the face isn't listening.
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00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,360
He exhorts us to address his hand.
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00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,680
He wishes us to worship
a false idol.
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00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,760
Nay, we shall not bow down
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00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,120
to your instrument
of self-pleasure. Shun him!
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00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,040
Shun him! Shun him! Shun him!
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00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,880
Is she saying what I think
she's saying?
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00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,240
Yeah, she just called you a wanker.
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00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,000
Previously on Sweary Aussie Drama...
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00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,400
You fucking better do
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00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:08,840
a fuck site better than that,
you lazy fucking prick.
75
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,520
What the fuck?
76
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,600
What the fuck your fucking self!
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00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,880
Who the fuck are you fucking,
you fucking bitch?
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00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,960
Mind your own business,
you old fucking bastard.
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00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,760
You lost the fucking right
to tell me who to fuck
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00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,920
when you lost
the fucking farm.
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00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,360
I'll fucking kill the fucker.
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00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,000
What the fuck?
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00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,240
I've kept this fucking farm together
through fucking thick
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00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,440
and fucking thin and I'll be fucked
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00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,400
before I lose the fucker to this
stupid little fucking cunt.
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00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:42,160
I thought you loved me,
you dick-breath dog-fuck!
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00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,600
So did I, you fucking bitch.
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00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,240
I was only fucking fucking her
for the fucking farm.
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00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,840
Fair e-fucking-nough.
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00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,360
I'm fucking lying.
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00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,800
I fucking love you, you stupid
fucking bitch.
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00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,880
You fuck!
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00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,280
No! No!
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00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,400
HE WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY
95
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,440
Oh, no!
96
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:06,760
No!
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00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,600
Fuck!
98
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,120
This is my fucking farm now.
99
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:24,840
Right. There's going to be a fair
few fucking changes around here.
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00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,840
Wait just one fucking moment!
101
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,920
Fuck. Shit. Piss. Cunt.
102
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,560
Who the fuck are you?
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00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,280
I'm your fucking mother.
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00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,560
So wash your fucking mouth out,
you dozy fucking bitch.
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00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,400
DOOF-DOOFS PLAY
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00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,720
Hello, there.
107
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,200
What happened to that
bloody report?
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00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,640
I don't know, Detective.
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00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,960
Well, you'd better start
thinking quick, love.
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00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,960
Or your CID career is going to be
as short as that skirt,
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00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,560
you stupid tart.
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00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,280
Treasured memories.
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00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,760
I was actually the last actor
on British television
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00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,440
to wolf-whistle at
a schoolgirl in a way
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00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,960
the audience was invited
to find fun.
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00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,840
But times change and rightly so!
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00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,400
Since then, I've been the bloke
playing
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00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,360
a different detective who's older,
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00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,600
a judge who's even older,
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00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,800
and then the chap offering
life insurance
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00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,480
with no pesky medical
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00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,760
and a free jigsaw just for applying.
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00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,680
And when I say jigsaw, I mean
the cardboard puzzle,
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00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,120
not the power tool which
would, ironically,
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00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,200
have invalidated
your life insurance.
126
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,640
Anyway, we must get on,
127
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,000
this is turning into
an amazingly long advertisement.
128
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,960
But then, you are watching daytime
on ITV4,
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00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,400
where the advertising is basically
free
130
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,160
and the repeat of The Sweeney
this is in the middle of
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00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,960
has had to have six minutes cut out
of it
132
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,080
for reasons you can probably
guess.
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00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,360
So we've got all the time in
the world...
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00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,720
Or have we?
135
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,640
Because we all know that
we haven't got forever.
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00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:14,920
Good boy.
137
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,720
DOG WHINES
THUDDING
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00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,600
Benjy's at peace now.
139
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,520
He won't be suffering any more.
140
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,600
To be honest,
he was more or less OK,
141
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,320
but he did keep shitting
in the lounge.
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00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,920
And if you're shitting in
the lounge,
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00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:40,560
you might want to consider the
Deathlitas Cut Your Losses plan.
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00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,320
For a reasonable price,
you can pay the ultimate price.
145
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,840
And your loved ones will have
the peace of mind
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00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,600
of knowing they can start getting
your smell
147
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,720
out of all that lovely
property equity.
148
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,640
Meanwhile, you check in
149
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,800
to one of our luxurious
clinic-cum-crematoria
150
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,760
kick back in
a joint-and-muscle-soothing
151
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,520
motorised recliner -
152
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:07,040
our nurses humorously refer
to them as "electric chairs",
153
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,640
though, of course, you'll be killed
by poison injection -
154
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,280
and select a delicious last meal
from our menu
155
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,680
of Michelin-adjacent dishes.
156
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,080
Just call the number below
157
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:23,120
or get your now nearing retirement
themselves children
158
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,000
to go to the website to apply.
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00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:30,360
Deathlitas - when you're getting in
the way, call it a day.
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00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,360
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
161
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,840
It's platform 10. Sorry?
162
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,800
Platform 10.
The 9.06 to Edinburgh Waverley -
163
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,080
it's leaving from platform 10.
164
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,960
You need to be in Durham at
lunchtime, you need the 9.06 leaving
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00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,360
in 12 minutes from platform 10.
How do you...?
166
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,560
It's that way. The East
Coast Mainline trains all leave
167
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,120
from over there. How...?
168
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,120
Go and get on it. I can't bear to
watch you
169
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,520
fucking around for another
fucking second.
170
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,560
Actually, I'm not going to Durham,
so I don't know what you're...
171
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,600
Don't lie to me - you'll just
embarrass yourself.
172
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,280
You're Stephen Dobson, you've been
recruited by Chinese Intelligence,
173
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,520
your contact is a 23-year-old
Chinese national
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00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,480
called Hou Wanjun, posing
as a History of Art postgraduate.
175
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,840
You need to be on the 9.06
right now.
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00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,280
Look, I really don't... I'm an MI5
officer, I've blown my cover,
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00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,520
my career is over,
I don't know why I did this.
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00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,280
It's your fault,
you were just too fucking annoying.
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00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,560
Three months. Three months I've had
you under surveillance -
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00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,280
watching you shuffling around in
your stupid life like
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00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,800
the dozy prick you are.
182
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,840
Smashing that bottle of TCP in
the chemist's
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00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,960
and then just walking off
without apologising.
184
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,280
Picking your nose in the bakery
185
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,680
and then fingering the croissants
without using the tongs.
186
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,400
Locking yourself out of your own
house like a dickhead.
187
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,800
That coat.
And it was only last week
188
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,760
that I very nearly dragged
you out of your car
189
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,880
so I could park it for you.
15 minutes to get
190
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,800
a Toyota Yaris into
a not especially difficult space.
191
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,680
That was a very small space!
192
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,280
My mother can parallel park better
than you and she's 84.
193
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,160
And as for your mother, don't think
I didn't notice the way you tried
194
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,280
to muscle in on
the flowers your sister sent
195
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,400
for her birthday when they were
nothing to do with you.
196
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,120
Sorry, can I just say,
I completely agree.
197
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,920
You're an absolute asshole.
198
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,120
Who, are you?! The private
investigator hired by your wife.
199
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,960
To monitor your wretched affair.
With wretched Jeanine,
200
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,640
who could do so much better.
Oh, so much better.
201
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,240
Can you believe the way
he talks to Jeanine?
202
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,920
I've wiretapped paedophiles
with better manners.
203
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,920
I... You bloomin'...!
204
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,240
Aaaah!
205
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,440
Drink? Yeah, all right.
206
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,520
That's the Lincoln train, you dick!
207
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,800
Morning, Jim. Morning.
208
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,600
So, um, we're recording our radio
play next week,
209
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,080
um, but we've just got
a list of sound effects -
210
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,560
er, just general sounds and noises,
211
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,480
that we'd like to get in
the can first.
212
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,000
Mm-hm. Just the things where we
couldn't find library sounds
213
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,080
that we need you to work
your magic on, Jim.
214
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,640
Work my magic? Yeah.
215
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,760
So there's quite a bit
to get through.
216
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,640
I'll just dive straight in. Erm,
217
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,800
first up, woman running barefoot
along a high-street pavement.
218
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,600
Yeah, no problem,
I can do that with my cock.
219
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,360
Your what? My cock.
220
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,520
I can make that noise with my cock.
221
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:37,680
No offence.
222
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,640
Oh, er, that's... That's OK.
Do you need us to...?
223
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,400
No, no, I'll do it when you've gone.
I'll just make a note.
224
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,880
Pavement, feet, cock.
225
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,920
HE SNIFFS
OK, what's next?
226
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,840
Right, um...
227
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,200
We...
CLEARS THROAT
228
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,000
We need a sound of a digger,
229
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,360
like a JCB, er,
230
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,240
going into soft clay and gravel
231
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,160
and then coming up against
a Roman wall.
232
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,960
Got it. Yeah.
I can do that with my cock.
233
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,360
Right. So, I'll need some oven
gloves,
234
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,880
15 large pebbles
235
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:12,640
and a packet of Gummy Bears
or Haribo - something like that.
236
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,560
And then obviously my cock,
which I've got.
237
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,720
OK. Um, we need, er, a waterfall,
238
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,200
medium-sized, not massive.
239
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,000
And, er, it's in woodland
240
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,920
and there's a storm incoming,
so it's raining quite hard
241
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,280
and there's a distant helicopter.
242
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,720
Right.
243
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,200
Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
244
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,000
Hang on.
British woodland or tropical?
245
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,200
Tropical. Yeah, I can do that with
my cock.
246
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,880
Cos of the humidity,
my cock works best.
247
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,840
I'll need a soda stream,
248
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,400
a flappy menu,
249
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,960
four trout fillets, rainbow
or brown - doesn't matter -
250
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,520
and my cock, which obviously
I've got with me.
251
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:50,840
Oh, and lube.
252
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,320
Unless otherwise stated,
assume lube.
253
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,760
Lube.
254
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,520
Yeah, I can do that with my cock.
255
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,560
Really? The sound of a dictionary
being dropped on a desk?
256
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:10,640
Yeah.
257
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,200
Why don't you just drop
a dictionary on a desk?
258
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,560
Won't sound right.
259
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,000
You try that if you like,
but, I'm telling you,
260
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,880
if you want it to really sound like
someone's dropped a dictionary
261
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,960
on a desk, then I'm going
to need three reams of A4,
262
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,640
some highlighter pens,
263
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,720
a bottle of prosecco,
a wall of cardboard boxes,
264
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,960
a plastic toothpick,
a wooden toothpick,
265
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,880
a goldfish bowl filled with
asparagus soup,
266
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,160
and my cock.
267
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,360
OK. OK, we're nearly there, now.
268
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,000
So I'll just, er... We need a loose
shutter banging in the wind,
269
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,560
and it has to be on the first floor
of an 18th century chateau
270
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,400
in Provence.
271
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,360
OK, um...
272
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,240
Done.
273
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:04,800
You're not going to use
your cock for that?
274
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,280
No!
275
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,360
You've got to get down to it.
That's not gonna work.
276
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,280
Ugh, it's on me!
277
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,640
Oh, I'm exhausted.
278
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,560
It's Day 12 of
Middle-Aged Man Island.
279
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,320
The boys have completed their tasks
for the day
280
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,840
and now it's time to chillax
and have some them time.
281
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,320
Could you do something?
282
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:49,280
What? It's been 40 minutes since
anyone spoken, so, um...
283
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:54,360
Oh. They want us to do something,
or speak for the programme.
284
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,320
Oh, yeah, the programme.
HE FARTS
285
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,080
Ah! Better out than...
286
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,840
Actually, I hate people who
say that.
287
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,480
OK.
288
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:03,960
Let's chat.
289
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,960
HE CLEARS THROAT
290
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,840
Er, I can't think of anything
to say, actually.
291
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,160
Trouble is, there's no women here
to get us started off.
292
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,440
OK, well, yeah all right.
You be the woman,
293
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,160
you start us off,
and then that'll get us going.
294
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,480
OK. Um...
295
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,120
How are you? Fine, thanks.
296
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,480
God, it's not easy being a woman,
is it? Hmm.
297
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,080
We could talk about
the Second World War again.
298
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,720
Nah, we did that all last week.
299
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,640
That was a good week. Yeah!
300
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,720
I know it's a bit of a stereotype -
men love talking about
301
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:52,080
the Second World War, blah, blah,
blah, but the Second World War was
302
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,680
A, very important, and B...
Brilliant.
303
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,760
I know you're not supposed
to say that any more but...
304
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,400
Nah, I think it's a great war.
305
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,040
Tsk! What, even better than
the Great War?
306
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,720
OTHERS CHUCKLE
307
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,160
See, that's the kind of joke that,
308
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,600
if we were at home,
somebody would roll their eyes
309
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,720
and say, "That's a dad joke."
310
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,960
But, yeah, it's just a joke.
311
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,840
Actually, it was a serious question.
What's your favourite war?
312
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,000
Punic.
PHONE ALERT RINGS
313
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,200
Sorry, it's Wednesday night -
it's for the bins.
314
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,880
Mine was last night.
315
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,480
There's no way
she would have done it. Hmm.
316
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,640
But we're not saying that
middle-aged men are bad, right?
317
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,280
Because middle-aged men, that's
the audience. At best.
318
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,960
That's the youth end. No, I think we
can appeal to young people,
319
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,960
because we've got that
sketch about erm...
320
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,600
Isn't there a sketch about
an Xbox or something?
321
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,360
Is that the one about
assisted dying?
322
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,600
No, no, it's the one where we say,
323
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,600
"Wasn't everything better before
the Xbox?"
324
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,200
I mean, it was harder to have a wank
325
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,480
but that made everything more
worthwhile. Oh, that's been cut.
326
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,640
Channel 4 said we had too many
sketches that relied on wanking,
327
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,920
and we can only have 11, max.
328
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
OK, I suppose Middle-Aged Man Island
is just like
329
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,240
a fun dig at guys our dads' age.
330
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,000
Or mine and Kiell and
Lara's dads' age.
331
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,320
Stevie, I am 18 months
older than you.
332
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,960
Is that all?
Are you sure that's right?
333
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,080
I'm not sure that it's having
a go at our dads, so much as...
334
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,000
It's not actually that weird,
you know, being 50.
335
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,600
Well, of course...
It's quite a normal age to be, OK?
336
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,880
Yes, I mean it's
an ageing population.
337
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,000
Ageing is very now,
very contemporary.
338
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,960
In the past,
people were a lot younger.
339
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,240
You were. No.
340
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,840
I mean, well... Well, yes,
341
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,800
but what I'm saying is,
in previous ages...
342
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,120
Here comes another history lesson.
343
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,920
In previous ages,
in the Middle Ages,
344
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,520
people were younger -
the average age was lower,
345
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,400
because people died younger.
346
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:49,080
A youthful population is,
in fact, very, very dated.
347
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,520
Yes, it's actually very now,
to have dementia.
348
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,800
Decrepitude is the new
infant mortality.
349
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,280
Not that we're decrepit.
If only! We're not that cool.
350
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,880
Yeah, I just think... Although I do
have recurring back issues
351
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,280
and Rob had open heart surgery.
352
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,440
OK, I think we're speaking at
cross purposes here, David.
353
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,240
Let's not be turkeys voting
for Christmas.
354
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,240
I know we're middle-aged, but
broadcasting is very youth-skewed.
355
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,200
Always has been.
Bill Cotton used to say...
356
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,480
Shut up! Channel 4, in particular,
357
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,440
are desperately trying to appeal
to young people.
358
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,240
Oh, it's like a letchy uncle dancing
at a wedding, sometimes.
359
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,000
Yeah. "Let's do the quiz where
everyone shows their balls."
360
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,560
Or vaginas. Or, as you quite rightly
say, Lara, vaginas.
361
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,880
I just think we should pay lip
service to that
362
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,760
and not just be constantly banging
on about how old we are.
363
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,000
Like this bit that we're doing now,
where we go on about being old,
364
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,280
when these young people,
some of them women...
365
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,360
Or just saying "or vaginas". That's
literally all I've said except this.
366
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,760
Yeah, but you did it so well. Like,
I want to say "or vaginas" now.
367
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,200
Well, in a way, Stevie, you have.
368
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,960
Hmm.
369
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,240
Introducing
Branboozle! The great new board game
370
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,200
for everyone who loves
puzzles and bran.
371
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,800
Hooray! You've been branboozled.
372
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,400
Hand over the bran, Grandpa.
373
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,960
Oh!
374
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,720
You've taken all my bran,
you little scamp.
375
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,400
Mmm, bran.
THEY LAUGH
376
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,520
Throw the dice and spin the dial.
377
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:09,480
Collect the bran and branboozle your
opponents
378
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,560
before you yourself are
branboozled.
379
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,720
Oh! I've been branboozled!
LAUGHTER
380
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,640
More bran for me.
381
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,600
Branboozle - the great new game
that's getting all the family eating
382
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,640
lashings of pure bran.
383
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,920
Excessive bran consumption
may cause rectal warping.
384
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:33,440
Morning, Jim. Hi. That's all done.
Do you want to have a listen?
385
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,560
Oh, yes, please.
386
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,320
FAINT RHYTHMIC
TAPPING THROUGHOUT
387
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,200
Er, so, this is, er...?
388
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,160
This is the rolled up carpet being
dragged down
389
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,720
the flight of stairs
with a dachshund yapping
390
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,960
in the background.
Oh, yeah. And you, um,
391
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,800
you used your cock for this one?
392
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,440
Don't think so. Not this one.
393
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,480
RHYTHMIC TAPPING
CONTINUES THROUGHOUT
394
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,400
I wasn't sure how much
of it you needed, so...
395
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,200
Right. Yeah.
396
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,720
Come to think of it, I think this is
one of the ones I used my cock for.
397
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,320
Yeah, I thought so.
398
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,760
It's wonderful how it doesn't matter
any more how old you are.
399
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,440
I never imagined I would
have this opportunity.
400
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,720
But, of course, times change.
401
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,280
With this particular piece,
402
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,040
I thought it was important not
to fixate on the age
403
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,520
of the actor but on
the overall energy he gives off.
404
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,000
It's such a daring
and fascinating time in the theatre.
405
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,480
In the olden days, I would never
have had the chance
406
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,280
to be in this wonderful stage
adaptation of The Matrix,
407
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,880
playing Neil.
408
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,920
It's actually Neo,
Sir Charlie.
409
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,640
Hmm? Your character is called Neo.
410
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,560
That's right, yes. And, of course,
411
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,360
the thing about Neil is that, like
most of us, he doesn't know he's in
412
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,520
the Matrix - until somebody calls
his agent and says,
413
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,920
"Would you like to be in
the Matrix?"
414
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,560
And you think Sir Charlie gives off
the right energy to play Neo?
415
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,200
Yes. As soon as the producer
suggested Sir Charlie to me,
416
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,800
I could immediately see that he
gives off exactly the right energy.
417
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,440
Even though he's 78?
418
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,480
Yes. Aren't there younger actors
that might be more suited
419
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,880
to playing Neo?
420
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,600
Yes, but an audience willing
to pay West End prices
421
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,840
to see an adaptation of The Matrix
won't have heard of them,
422
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,280
whereas they all remember Sir
Charlie from all
423
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,080
the Merchant Ivory shit he did in
the '80s.
424
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,920
Are you excited
to be in The Matrix?
425
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,040
Well, I'm delighted, but, as I say,
426
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,440
Neil is absolutely devastated.
427
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,000
Neil takes the red pill
and discovers he's in The Matrix
428
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,200
for eight shows a week, including
bank holidays, for 12 weeks,
429
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,760
and I couldn't be happier.
430
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,800
I'll just put this here, if that's
all right with you? Yes,
431
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,040
that's fine. I'm just... I don't
want to get in the way.
432
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,200
It's week two of rehearsals,
and Sir Charlie
433
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,480
and director Tony Pastry
are grappling with
434
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,160
the iconic scene where Neo uploads
martial arts into his brain.
435
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:25,760
OK, so Tank just inserted
the programme.
436
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,400
He's pressed the button
and all that knowledge
437
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,000
flashes into your head in just
a few seconds,
438
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,600
and then you open your eyes
and you say the line.
439
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,040
All right, Tony, leave it with me.
440
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,440
Right, so he's pressed the button.
441
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,080
Pressed the button.
442
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,000
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
443
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,480
I know Kung Fu.
444
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,040
All right, Tony? Ye...
445
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,080
Erm, it's just...
446
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:53,800
Um, try it again.
447
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,240
Of course, of course.
448
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,800
Press the button.
449
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,280
Ooooh-ooooh!
450
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,280
I know Kung Fu.
451
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,840
Yeah, it's...
I think I know what it is.
452
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,400
Yes. You're saying the line
like Kung Fu is
453
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,760
an old friend that you've
just remembered.
454
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,400
Yes. But it isn't.
455
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,560
No. It's a martial art.
456
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,520
That I've forgotten. Yea... No.
457
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,600
Because it's been years. No.
How long has it been, Kung Fu?
458
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,440
He's not Kung Fu. It's been years.
459
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,800
We're improvising.
No, he's not Kung Fu.
460
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:27,840
Oh, I see.
461
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,960
I'm saying "I know Kung Fu"
but Kung Fu's not here.
462
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,640
I could be Kung Fu. I don't mind.
463
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,720
Oh, bless you, for that, Theo.
Could we try that, Tony?
464
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,800
I think that would really help.
For me.
465
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:40,840
OK.
466
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,480
HE CLEARS THROAT
So press the button.
467
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,000
Ooooh-ooooh-oooh!
Ooooh-ooooh!
468
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,400
Ooooh-ooooh-oooh-ooooh!
469
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,800
Ooooh-ooooh! Oooh-ooooh!
470
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,680
I know Kung Fu.
471
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,440
Hi.
472
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,200
You see the problem is,
Tony, I'm saying "I know Kung Fu",
473
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,200
but Kung Fu's standing right there.
So, it doesn't make any sense.
474
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,960
Yes, you don't say it to him
475
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,080
and he's not Kung Fu
476
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,320
and Kung Fu isn't a person.
477
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:19,240
Well, all right, Tony, but that's a
lot of changes to take on board.
478
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:22,360
May I suggest a cup of tea?
479
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,400
Ah! Cup of tea for you, Tony?
480
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,120
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