All language subtitles for Mitchell and Webb Are Not Helping (2025) S01E01

This programme contains
very strong language

and adult humour from the start

HARPSICHORD PLAYS

Right, house meeting.

Can you pack it in with

the harpsichord?
We know what century it is.

Charming.

Right. Weird one.

No-one is using the special new room
for having a shit.

Come on, you know who you are.
You're all of you.

I've just had a shit in there

and it's obvious no one else has,

because the date on
the arse-wiping newspaper is still

the same date as when

the water closet was originally
installed. What is the problem?

I don't see the point of it.

Why do we have to go to
a whole special room,

just to do a shit?

What's wrong with just shitting in
a pot

and throwing it out the window?

Yeah, and what happens when you
want to do a shit,

and you go to the special room
for doing a shit

and someone's in there already?

Well, you just have to wait.

Wait? To do a shit?

How is this a step forward?

Answer - it isn't. It's worse.

We were all perfectly happy doing
our turds in pots

and then hurling them out
the window.

But imagine if everyone did that?

I don't have to imagine if everyone
did that.

Everyone does do that.
It's called London.

But this flush technology is
so exciting.

It's the future.

Your shit lands in this little pool
of water,

and sometimes you get
a slight splash up the bum.

Why is that good?

OK, that's not the point of it.

Who wants a splash up the bum?

Look don't fixate on the splashing.

I don't know why I mentioned that.
What's good is that,

when you've finished,
you pull the handle,

and the shit just goes forever.

You don't have to worry about it.

I don't worry about it when
I chuck it out the window.

I don't give it another thought.

No, it's better

because now it's not just piled up
on the road, it's in the river.

Where the poor people go to wash?

Yes, but you're missing the point,

fuck them.

We have a nice tidy house.

Not really.
There's still piss everywhere.

But you're supposed
to piss in there as well.

What?

You're supposed to use

the special water closet
when you want a piss.

For a piss?
We're supposed to go in there,

whenever we want a piss?
Like, every time?

It's just not workable.

You go in the room, you come out of

the room. I have other things to do.

And how do you piss in there anyway?

Are you supposed to go in there
and take your trousers off

and sit down?

Because what's gonna happen, ooh,

the world might end if
I get piss on my trousers.

That's basically all they're for,
isn't it? Soak up the piss?

You just think everything modern
is good, don't you?

You were the same with not rounding
up women who

were good at herbal remedies
and drowning them.

Oh, that was creepy.
"Oh, let's not drown the women

"and let's all go in a special room
for pissing and shitting."

What kind
of future are you imagining?

One full of witches and no shit.

In what single way would that be
better? Hm?

Hi.

Don't need a tray for the case.
I'm sorry?

Don't need a tray for the case.
Erm...

Don't need a tray for the
case!

Oh, yes, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear. Erm...

Case in the tray.

Oh, but they...
Case in the tray.

Yes. In a tray.

In a tray. Yes.

Case in the tray.

Shoes off.
Oh.

Should I take my shoes off?

No.

Should I put the shoes in the tray?

In the tray? Yes.

Yeah.

Is that switched off?

Yes. Is it?

Erm...

I don't...

TABLET BEEPS
Oh, I turned it on now.

On? It can't be on!

Are you trying to crash
the aeroplane?

No. Off. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Needs to be off.

Offff!

What are you doing?
I'm taking my, my belt off.

Who told you to strip?

Sorry, sometimes...
Why are you getting undressed in

public, have you got a problem?
Sorry.

I can smell your socks.
You're so sweaty.

Sorry, I had to rush to get to
the check in and...

You look very shifty and guilty.

Yes, sorry.

Do you need the case off of this?
Passport ready!

Yes. Get your passport ready. Yeah.

Passport ready!
Passports! Get your passports!

Passport ready!

Get your passport ready!
Have you got your passport?

Is it ready?
What are you doing?

Sorry. Put that back.

Leave it. Leave it. Move it on.

Where is it? Is it in the
tray?

Previously on...

SHEEP BLEAT

Fuckin' fuck fuck-face what
the fuck's going on?

One cock-suckin' minute we've one
fuckin' number

and the fuckin' next we've
a-fuckin nother.

You've cocked up the count.
You dozy prick.

Fuck off, you smelly old arsehole.

I've cocked up fucking fuck-all.

Those numbers are solid as
a fuckin' rock.

Don't you fucking fuck with me

you little prick or you'll
not get the fuckin' farm.

If you're still drawing breath,

I don't want your cunt fucking farm
you dozy old twat.

Did you tell my fuckin' husband you
weren't giving him

the farm you dick-breath old prick?

Fuck, yeah, And I'd tell him
a-fuckin'-gain

and fuck him up the arse

for fuckin' free.
He cocked up the count.

I've fuckin' kept this fuckin' farm
together by

the skin of my fuckin' teeth

and I'll beat seven shades
of shit out of you

and every fuckin' dozy cock-suckin'
fuck-face in

the fuckin' place before
I let you give it a-fuckin'-way.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

SHEEP BLEAT

I'm giving the fuckin' farm

to this cunt.

Fuck's sake!

For crying out fuck.

This is my fuckin' farm.

Welcome to the fuckin' family.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

A suitcase isn't just a suitcase.

It's a symbol.

OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES

Our newest suitcase doesn't just
carry your clothes.

SHE RETCHES

It carries the envy
of anyone who dares lay eyes on it.

Four sliding wheels.

HE GROANS

Five levels of re-adjustable
handles.

I know.

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

SHE SCREAMS

Canonite Suitcase.

It will fuck you up.

If we had the budget,

then that sketch would be about
cars. Wouldn't it?

So, the car goes past,
everyone goes wow.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be funny if
it was about cars.

It wouldn't be an exaggeration

because that's literally what
they do.

Like "You'll be amazed at
a Mazda". Really?

Maybe f you've time travelled from
the middle ages,

but otherwise that's just
a normal car, innit?

And if you've time travelled from
the Middle Ages,

you've just seen the inside of
a time machine

and that which also
totally recontextualise

the Mazda as comparatively mundane.

Mmm. They are good though.

What, Mazdas?

No, just all normal cars now are

much better than they used to be.

I mean, just in terms of defrosting.

You know, it's 1991 and you getting
into your

second-hand Datsun Cherry on a cold
and frosty morning,

that is half an hour
of intense shit.

Scraping it, spraying it with cans
of poison.

Kicking it, blowing on it,
begging the fucking thing to go.

You're just so old.

This is like an oral
history project.

You're like a historical person

telling us about
the Spinning Jenny.

Yes, I'm old enough

to remember crisp packets had little
windows in

so you could see the crisps inside.

It was good.
Yeah, the crisp packets were good.

But you know not the dog shit,
the racism or the cars.

You could literally see the crisps
you were going to get

rather than an idealised
representation of them.

So if there were too many that were
a bit green round

the edges, you could just move on.

What, crisps used to be green at
the edge?

In Britain, some of them.
Yes. Not most, but a few.

Would you eat them anyways?

Invariably.

Is it is it OK to come through?
Are you, are you ready?

Come on sir we've got
a lot of people waiting.

It's not all about you.
Right.

Wait!

Come on then!

No, no, no, no, no.
Go back. Go back. Go back. Go back.

No, no, no.

Do it like this. With a wiggle.

Ignore the beep,
it's cos I've got a gun.

Come on then.

What are you doing?
He told me to...

On you go.

Hat...Hat.

HAT!

Oh, yes. Sorry.

Tray...

Tray! Tray!

Tray! Tray! Tray!
Yes...

Wait!

Come on then!

DETECTOR BEEPS
Watch.

Oh, sorry. Watch!

Yeah, my bad.
Give it to me.

That's fine now.

Have a lovely flight.

Oh, thank you.

BOARDING PASS!
PASSENGER SCREAMS

BOARDING PASS!
PASSENGERS SCREAM

And I was eight years old,
and I suppose I realised...

..that's it. He's not coming back,

my dad's not coming back.

That must have been
a horrible moment.

Well, yeah, it was and,
as I think I've said before,

um, I don't think I've really
escaped from that moment.

That must be very difficult.

Yes, it is,

and I suppose I've been hoping

that as I've been coming here every
week for the last...

..three years that you
would in some way...

Not cure me exactly, but, erm...

OK, cure me.

I mean, tell me what to do in order
to feel better.

It's understandable that you would
want that.

Well, I do want that.

Of course you do.

But you don't seem
to be doing that.

That must be hard.
It is hard.

So, how does it feel when

I don't seem to do anything
to help you?

It feels shit.

Of course.

OK, good, so.
I'm going to press you.

I feel relentlessly unhappy in my
brain from

a combination of what has happened
to me and what I am like.

Well... And I understand that what
I am like may be

a product of what has happened
to me.

And... And that some of
the things that have happened

to me may be because
of what I am like.

Mmm. Yes, "Mmm."

So, what are we going to do to fix
me?

Well, that's not really how we work.

OK, if I wanted someone
to deliver a tumble dryer

and I asked them to put
the tumble dryer in

the tumble dryer space
and they said,

"That's not really how we work",

I wouldn't pay them, would I?

I wouldn't give them £300

and then come back the next week
with another £300

and ask them again to put
the tumble dryer in

the tumble dryer space

and then keep doing that every week
since Covid,

constantly contemplating

the gaping hole where there should
now be a tumble dryer.

Hm. It's interesting that you reach
for a tumble dryer as

the analogy. Because, in a sense,

you've been "tumble dried",
haven't you?

In what sense?

I don't have to back these things
up, I'm just trying to help.

If you're trying to help,

tell me what to do so that I feel
basically OK most of the time.

What should I do with all my shit?

Well, I...

I suppose, if you press me,
my advice would be,

you know,

put it out of your mind.

Put it out of my mind?

Yes, put it out of your mind.

When you're thinking about it,

just stop and think about
something else.

That's it? I suppose,
when it comes down to it,

yes, that's it.

You just have to put it
out of your mind.

I can't.

Really?

You know, just think about something
else... Really?

Really. Really?

Wow!

OK then.

Well, in that case here's someone

who can sell you some crack.

Thank you!

Just a straightforward
shooting weekend.

Just a straightforward
shooting weekend.

It was the TV scoop of the decade,

in which one of the most powerful
men in the world -

in a sort of soft power sense
anyway -

Was humbled

and the people of Britain got to
have a huge guilt-free laugh at

a posh twat destroying his life in
front of millions.

I have a...peculiar

medical condition
which is that I don't sweat.

Or I didn't sweat at the time.

It was such a massive deal that the

story of how it was achieved had
to be told in a drama

almost immediately after it
had happened.

You could make him look like
a dick.

Brilliant idea, Sam!

But that wasn't the end of it
because another channel

made a slightly different
drama about

exactly the same thing.

I'm going to make him look like
a dick. Oh, yes!

Sam, get us a round of teas
and coffee's please.

Erm, right away.

Now at last, the drama about how
those two dramas

about how the Prince Andrew
interview came to be made

has come to be made.

Because what's the alternative?

Make up a new story for a drama?
I don't think so.

That doesn't work.

Everything has got
to be based on a true story or

a remake otherwise it will
lose money.

Hi, there,
I'm the real Emily Maitlis.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Amazon.

Well done on the Prince
Andrew interview,

that's certainly put the world
to rights.

Thank you. And of course,

I'm mainly why that
interview happened

so I thought we could make
a drama about it.

Great idea. Let's do it.

We can use some of the money

we've made destroying the
High Street.

By the way, why didn't you go
to Netflix?

Erm...

Welcome to Netflix.
I'm Sam Mcalister

the person who mainly made
the Prince Andrew interview happen

rather than anyone on screen who

usually take credit
for these things.

Of course.
So, I thought we could make

a drama about it otherwise there's

a risk that everyone will stop
banging on about it.

Well, we can't have that.
Let's do it.

We can use some of
the money we made from televising

Princess Diana's bulimia.

Some stories have to be told.

Twice.

With slightly different takes on how
the admin was done.

This research is riddled
with errors,

and that's not how you
spell "Ghislaine".

It's Prince Anthony, is that right?
It's Andrew, Emily.

You're a lifesaver. How's my hair?

Yeah.

Coming to ITV this autumn,

the true story of how
the two dramas,

which both told how the Prince
Andrew interview

on Newsnight got made,

were themselves made.

It's just been announced

the BBC are doing their own version
of this,

with James Corden playing

both Prince Andrews!

Shit!

Let me show you what I mean.
OK.

We've recently developed all sorts
of new ways

of analysing web traffic.
Yeah?

It's very, very clever and
illuminating.

Great.

It's really no longer as simple
a metric as number of views.

Oh.

And this is where you come into
the kitchen.

You have a problem
with your washing machine?

So, yes, we can actually see what
bit viewers are focusing on most.

I think I can guess which bit.

You might be surprised.

VIDEO FAST FORWARDS

I'm going to need my big spanner.

OK, so here.

Sounds like I'm talking about my
big cock.

Yes, except we've just been looking
at your big cock,

so we know you don't mean that.

Yep.

You literally do mean that you
need...

Different sized spanner.

And actually,

this is where we see
a real uplift in views.

Really?

FAST FORWARDS
Yes, it builds from here

and peaks at this point,
four minutes 12 seconds,

when you take the front off
the washing machine

and start to replace the drum.

You see, this bit.

Yes, we see this a lot
with the Electrolux.

Have you got the part?

No, I'll have to order it in.

Yes, that's the absolute viewing
numbers peak

and then it drops off

a cliff when you start having
sex again.

Although there is then another
peak in

the follow-up video when you
arrive with

the replacement part
from Electrolux.

Lots of views for you sticking
it in.

Oh, so they do want to see the...

I can't believe how badly
I expressed that.

They want to see you repair
the washing machine,

not have a fuck with the lady.

Not have a fuck with the lady?

No. That's what
the analysis is telling us.

But I've always been the sexy...
The sexy plumber.

Yes, you're a big star, Barry.

A stalwart of the industry.

You always get the highest number
of hits.

Turning up in your boiler suit
with your tools.

And getting down to business.

Well, this, is it.
It's always been sex and plumbing.

And I suppose, cynics that we are,

we've all been sort of assuming
that the sex was the draw but...

But?

They're watching for
the plumbing, Barry.

That's what they want.
Plumbing tips.

You've been doing this for
a long time and,

without realising it, you've become
a damn good plumber.

They don't want see...
A damn good plumber.

I don't want to be...
A really damn, damn good plumber.

Look...
I'd take the compliment, Barry.

The internet is full of porn,

but a genuinely helpful step-by-step
guide to replacing

a U-bend is like a hen's tooth.

I don't know what to say.

You wear your knowledge so lightly.

In all the other instructional
videos online,

the men doing the explaining
take ages

because they're so thrilled
with themselves.

You're different.

You just spend that time
getting blown

and then do the plumbing bit
super-quickly.

It's much less patronising.

Thank you?

Are you going to stop paying me
to have sex?

We are, yes.

And start paying me to do plumbing?

Indeed.

So obviously I've called you in here

to discuss a pay rise.

OK, but what's funny about
that punchline?

Well, it's making the satirical
point that plumbers are expensive.

More expensive than porn stars?

Obviously, I have no idea.
But plumbers are expensive.

God, yes.

I think people will relate to that.
Bloody plumbers.

OK, I just don't know if that's,
like...

Is that what we want the show
to say?

I find it comforting.
You know, bloody plumbers,

Bloody weather.

Nice old complaints,
you know where you are.

OK, but I just feel like it's
a sketch about porn.

No, for me, it's about plumbing.

I think it's nice to start with
a sexual theme

and then move immediately
away from it.

I think that's nice.

For me, the classic plumber in porn
scenario is

a fantasy about escaping
the plumber's astronomical bill.

You know, can I fuck my way out of
this?

That's not what I...

I just think that the sex industry

is something that we need to
confront,

you know, like, not the sex workers,

obviously what they're doing
is amazing.

Or...yes.

But the industry,
that's what I'm saying.

The industry is something we
want to confront.

Like the clients.
They're, they're...

They're the problem. And we wanna
make a sketch

where we say, the people who hold

the means of production,
they're wrong.

Plumbers are so expensive.

But, but... What if the boiler goes?

Hmm? It could go at any moment.

You, you have to be kidding.
Leave him.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
And unless my demands are met,

I will activate the ray

and trigger the destruction of
the entire world!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Please. You can't do this.

Oh, I most certainly can.

We beg of you. We need more time.

We want to live.
We all want to live.

Cease your pathetic snivelling!

The second I pull this lever,
the death ray will charge,

and the entire world will be
annihilated in

56 years!

What?

The world as you know it,
the entirety of the human...

No, we heard that,
what was the second bit?

In, in 56 years!

So, it will take...?

A death ray of this magnitude needs
an amount of time

to charge, and in this case,
yes, it will take 56 years.

56 years?

The second I pull the...
56 years?

The world will end, forever!

No, no, absolutely, it's still bad.

Still? Oh, yeah, it's terrifying,
for sure.

The entire world! Destroyed!

Yeah, it's just difficult
to get up a sense of urgency

with that as a timeframe.

That's what it is, yes.
I mean I don't want to die.

I don't want my kids to die.

No, that thing about the kids
is completely valid.

But then...

It's just... I don't...
It not quite...

What are you talking about?

56 years, it's sort of... I dunno.

Like, personally I'm better with
a deadline.

Same, same.
I mean, aren't we all?

For me it's the not knowing.
Oh! The not knowing is so much
worse.

Yeah, just get it done,
do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's like a bit of a relief.
Thank you, yes!

It is, isn't it? Yeah.

You cannot want the world
to end in 56 years?

We don't.
No, no, no.

But also...

What can we do, really?

You can meet my demands!

Oh, god, and we absolutely would

but we're already juggling
so much already.

You can say that again.
HE SCOFFS

You could walk around

in the knowledge that
the world is ending

and you're doing nothing to stop it?

I mean, we don't want to, but...

It's hard to make it a priority.

Well, do you know, this has been a
real wake up call for me.

Yeah, thank you. Really.

What? No! Just transfer the
funds into my account...

We will let everyone know.

Why have I been in such a funk?
SHE CHUCKLES

It's only 56 years!

This can be avoided!

We'll shut the door, shall we?

DOORS CLANG SHUT

Do you know what?
They don't deserve it.

Let the oceans boil them
to death, the pricks.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media