Original subtitles

Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION Ripped By mstoll

Yep.

Yep.

Nancy refused to make me eggs Benedict

for breakfast again.

It's not fair.

I'm a good husband.

The ones who kill their wives and go to Death Row

get to eat whatever they want.

People on Death Row get to eat whatever they want?

For their last meal, yes.

Oh. I could never kill anybody.

(rock music blaring)

Oh, man.

That's like with them noise pollution

Man, like them dang ole band Garbage, man.

Ol' lead sing kinda cute, but, you know, look, man.

Dang it, Bobby.

I let Joseph listen to whatever he wants.

'Course, I'm afraid of Joseph.

♪♪... such a bad ass... ♪♪

Bobby.

(gasps)

(shuts off music)

(humming)

Dad, what are you doing?

Whoa, I gotta sit down.

What in the heck is on your head?

They're my dreads.

Aren't they cool?

♪♪ Uh, uh, uh... ♪♪

Now, I know you've got a rule about wigs,

but this is just temporary until I can grow my own,

just like Johnny Glockk.

Isn't that the guy who got arrested

for setting a car on fire?

He had to, Dad... he got dissed.

PEGGY: Bobby, here's the goatee you wanted.

Thanks. Oh... what about the black nail polish?

They were out.

You will have to use a Sharpie.

No. The only way you're having a black nail

is if you hit it with a hammer.

Why are you encouraging our son

to dress like a criminal?

Oh, he's just playing, Hank.

Gangstas and hos

is his generation's cowboys and Indians.

That's what I'm talking about.

What's the big deal?

I was just rocking out to my music.

If you're looking for some entertainment,

I do have a very awesome video that you might enjoy.

If it's the one about Esau the Eggplant

and the prodigal cucumber, I've seen it about a thousand times.

I hear your beef.

You're a teenager and you're looking

for something a little more with it.

I got your back.

Hank, I know an after- school youth group

that would be great for Bobby.

The pastor there has done some super work with teens.

Youth group?

Sounds kinda boring.

Sounds kinda perfect.

Some positive influence is just what Bobby needs.

But, Dad, it's after school.

What if I want to join a sports team?

Nice try.

He'll be there.

I can't believe you're making me do this.

It's so uncool.

You know what's not cool, Bobby?

Hell.

Don't forget your Bible.

(groans)

(indistinct talking)

What are you looking at?

Hey, there, guys.

I was just, uh...

What's with the suit?

You a lawyer, suit?

No, uh... I-I-I don't want any trouble.

I was just looking for... uh...

What are you looking for?

I, um...

You lost?

Lonely? Scared?

Yes!

Well, then you came

to the right place.

Look, K's dropping in for a Double Ore-Ida.

Praise Him!

(cheering)

That was awesome.

Thanks, but not as awesome as Jesus.

You guys are the Christian youth group?

Pastor K.

Stroup said she was sending over a kid

who likes to rock out. That you?

Yeah.

Welcome to the flock.

Word to our Father.

Hosanna to the highest.

See, check out what this lucky bastard got for his last meal.

Prisoner number 88725.

Six pieces of fried chicken, six rolls, tin roof ice cream,

strawberry soda and lemon pie.

Oh, that sounds good.

That's what I want.

How about this guy?

One dozen fried eggs, one loaf of bread,

a bowl of salad dressing, French fries

and three cartons of milk.

Oh, no.

That's what I want.

If it were me, I'd choose the world's rarest truffle.

Then, while they were searching for it,

I'd tunnel my way to freedom.

'Course then I'd miss eating the world's rarest truffle.

Quite the quandary.

I'll tell you what, man.

Talking bout I'd go out in dang old style, man.

You know, talking bout dang ole rack of lamb, you know,

and a little ole foie gras.

Dang ol' dinner is served.

HANK: Sorry I'm late.

The Weather Channel's got

some pretty exciting stuff going on in Missouri.

I felt like walking home.

You know, enjoy this glorious day.

So, uh, you have a good time?

Yes, it was the best.

I met some great guys,

and I asked them to come over later,

if that's okay?

Well, of course it's okay.

I'll even set up the tether ball.

Thanks for making me go, Dad.

My son just thanked me for taking him to church.

(sniffs)

Yes, I switched.

Do not start.

(crashing)

Possum.

What the?

What are you guys doing to that garbage can?

That is not its intended use.

Hey, guys!

Bobby, don't get too close.

What are you talking about?

These are my friends from the youth group.

They're cool, and they're totally Christian.

Hey, check this out. All right.

Yeah.

I... I don't understand.

Hey, dude, I'm up.

Can you hold my Bible?

Uh...

You don't have to just hold it.

You could read it, you know.

Don't tell me to read the Bible.

Praise Him!

Praise Him!

Can you believe the way that kid was sassing me?

I was reading the Bible

before that little punk was born.

Maybe it's just me,

but I'd rather Bobby be in a Christian gang

than one of those murdering gangs.

Well, maybe you're right.

Wait, I-I think that one is smoking.

Oh, no, he's praying.

LUANNE: Thanks for having me

over for dinner.

Mine was a disaster.

I thought hot dogs never went bad.

Would anybody mind if I said grace tonight?

Sure, Bobby.

I want to give a shout-out

to the man who makes it all happen.

Props be to you for this most bountiful meal

that sits before us.

Okay, check it.

God, you've got skills.

You represent

in these vegetables and in this napkin

and in the dirt that grows the grain

that makes the garlic bread sticks

that are on this table today, yes, yes.

HANK: Okay, Bobby.

God appreciates the support,

but I'm sure He wouldn't want the pot roast to get cold.

Now, let's wrap it up.

Sure thing.

Thanks, J-Man. Peace.

What up, James?

Peace be with you, Brad.

Hey, Bobby, check it out.

Righteous!

You should see Pastor K's ride.

He's got the Resurrection

airbrushed on the back of his Jeep.

PASTOR K: Hey, brothers, gather 'round.

Time to feel the Word.

Welcome, everybody.

Trent, you got our verse of the day?

"Test all things.

Hold fast what is good."

Thessalonians 5:21.

Nice job, brother.

That verse was running through my spirit

when I went rock climbing last weekend.

To be tight with the Lord,

you got to take your faith to the limit.

You know what I'm talking about?

The power!

That's right.

Nothing runs without power.

I mean, your amp is worthless unless it gets that juice.

And so are we.

So you got to find a way to plug in.

Test all things to find the good.

But how do you know what's good?

It's whatever sticks to your spirit, man.

Whatever God tattoos on your soul.

We're all searching for that eternal ink.

(indistinct utterances of understanding)

All right, let us pray.

And don't forget to say a little something for Charlie

who's at home with a wicked nose ring infection.

What in?

(grunts)

Oh, I thought he had it that time.

I don't know what to make of this youth group of Bobby's.

Last night he broke curfew,

but he was up reading the Bible.

What do you do with that?

Maybe you should punish him Old Testament style.

A religious boy like Bobby would appreciate the irony.

Bobby, take that off.

You can't wear a T-shirt

with that word on it.

Such vulgarity.

Wait, which word, Hank... Satan or sucks?

Well... either.

Why not, Dad?

Satan does suck.

I know, but...

He's right, Hank.

What does your shirt say, "Satan Rules"?

So I was thinking.

Why do criminals get to have all the good food

and we get nothing?

Bill, you pay taxes, aren't you outraged?

Yes, I am!

You know what?

We should have our own last meals.

Hey man, talkin' 'bout let's go over my place, man.

It'd be just like a dang ol' breakfast club, man,

'cept we're going for dinner instead, you know, like,

like, got no Judd Nelson either, man.

There you go!

The first meeting of the Last Meal Club

convenes at Boomhauer's!

I love it when we do things!

And then Cain was all like,

"I ain't supposed to be looking out for my bro, yo."

I didn't know that was in Genesis.

Bobby, you are so good at this.

I owe it all to my Extreme Teen Bible.

And Pastor K.

He wrote a 22-minute song about the Disciples.

And if he can remember all the words,

he's going to play it at Messiah Fest.

Wow, Messiah Fest!

Are you going to go?

Uh, I don't know if Dad'll let me.

It'll take a miracle

to make him come around,

but I guess that's what the Bible is all about.

Can I get a what-what?

(electric guitar playing)

Yeah.

Hear the Word.

Rejoice.

Uh-huh.

(playing stops)

Yeah. Uh-huh.

What were you doing there, brother?

Sorry, I was just feeling the spirit.

No, man, it works.

That's just what I need to help spread the fire at Messiah Fest.

How'd you feel about backing me up?

On stage?

Relax, brother.

Listen, when I get nervous before a gig,

I just look at this.

Cool.

Hey, Dad, what do you think of this?

Well, Bobby, it's, uh, so, uh...

What am I looking at?

It's my tattoo.

No got dang way.

Dad, it's okay.

This is what you do now

when you want to give mad respect to the Lord.

The Lord has been getting mad respect

since the beginning of time.

He doesn't need you defacing your body.

But...

No son of mine is getting a tattoo.

End of discussion.

Hey, I know what this is.

It's a test.

Like with Job.

(chuckling): You rascal!

You know that comedian's joke

about how you always get the cart with a wobbly wheel?

It's so true.

I love that comedian.

Hmm, I still not sure.

Hey, hillbillies.

Why so much in cart?

Food stamps expire today?

No.

We're cooking our last meals.

Why should you have to kill somebody

just to get some decent food around here?

Bah, you wouldn't know...

Hey, is that filo dough?

Talkin' 'bout spana-dang ol' kopita man.

Hmm, the quest for the perfect meal.

Of course it must start with shrimp.

Dead man eating... shrimp!

Why didn't Jesus catch me?

He has a plan for you.

The Miller Flip just isn't part of it yet.

Are you Pastor K?

Yeah, brother.

I'm Bobby Hill's father,

and I want to talk to you about this garbage

you're teaching my boy.

Well, hold up.

You don't want me teaching your son about God?

Well, that part's fine.

It's the other junk.

The obscene clothing, the tattoos...

Dude, you don't have to act

or dress a certain way for God.

You can hang with Him anyway, anywhere.

Don't you think Jesus is right here on this half pipe?

I'm sure He's a lot of places He doesn't want to be.

What's more important...

that Bobby's a Christian or that he has a proper haircut?

I'm not giving up on either.

Now stay away from my boy.

BOBBY: Pharaoh's on our tail, Mom.

My strength is low.

I need some milk and honey.

That's enough.

This whole thing

stops now.

You're getting rid of all this stuff

and you're going to church

in a suit and tie like we've always done.

But Pastor K says...

And you can forget about that Pastor K.

PEGGY: Woo! I am out of Egypt!

And look at Moses dance!

Peggy, this is serious.

Oh, Hank, you are overreacting.

These are good Christian kids having good Christian fun.

You think this is fun?

He looks like a burglar.

What?

What's that in your ear?

My testimonial.

No. Uh-uh. That's an earring.

You're grounded, mister.

But Messiah Fest is this afternoon.

I'm Pastor K's backup guy.

Mom?

I was on board with baptizing Ladybird,

but how could you destroy

those perfect little ears I gave you?

Hand it over.

You guys just don't understand how I feel about Jesus!

(Hank groans)

Messiah Fest.

When I was young,

you went to rock and roll concerts on Saturday night

and asked for forgiveness on Sunday.

Now it's all mixed together.

I don't know, Hank.

Something about scraping off that bumper sticker

seems a little sacrilegious.

Bobby loves God, you worship the devil.

Dinners must be tense.

This has nothing to do with religion.

I've always been against vandalism,

be it on my bumper or in my son's ear.

I'm just setting things right.

Now I'm going to finish the job in Bobby's room.

(sighs)

How many Footprints posters does a kid need?

Bobby?

Ah, damn, his Bible's gone.

(rock music playing)

(scratching)

(laughing)

(chanting): Praise him! Praise him!

Pastor K, what do you think?

Sharp.

Well, I better go now.

One of the bands asked me to leave

before I give them impure thoughts.

Hey, K, dig the chain. New?

Yeah. Thanks, Pop.

That was your dad?

Yeah, he's a roadie for The A-Men.

They've been spreading the word

across North America all summer.

So, you ready to rock?

Let's do it.

(ska music playing)

♪♪ W-W-W-Want a What a burger, I'm all out of dough ♪♪

♪♪ It's okay, it's okay 'cause I know ♪♪

♪♪ God will provide, He'll provide for us all ♪♪

♪♪ Might not get a large fry, but we'll always get a small. ♪♪

(shudders)

Oh, it all smells so good.

I bet bonny Prince Charles

eats like this every night.

I would be proud to make this sumptuous banquet my last meal.

Bon appetit!

Remember, after this, the next flavor in your mouth

will be the sour taste of death.

(all chuckle)

(coughs)

Oh...

No, no.

Well, some, dang ol'... dang ol' dig in, man.

Uh, here, Bill, let me serve you.

But I don't want to die!

Got dang, man, talkin' bout dang ol' superstitions, man.

Pass me that dang ol' salt, man,

I'm gonna throw a little bit of that crap over my shoulder, man.

Yeah, uh, I had a big lunch that, uh, didn't tempt fate.

Oh, coming! Yeah, you hear that?

Minh call me.

(yells)

Whoa.

Save yourselves!

Yeah, but... don't... don't leave me alone!

I eat when I'm scared!

(whimpering, muffled mumbling)

Mm, shrimp.

(rock music playing)

Let's make some noise!

(horrified gasp)

I say Holy,

you say Ghost.

Holy! CROWD: Ghost!

Holy!

Ghost!

♪♪ The Lord is my Shepherd ♪♪

♪♪ I shall not want ♪♪

♪♪ He makes me lie down in green pastures ♪♪

They're green, y'all!

♪♪ He leads me beside the still waters ♪♪

♪♪ He restores my soul ♪♪

Aw-yeah!

Amen!

(cheering)

(gasps)

Dad, we're in the middle of the show!

Well, I hope you enjoyed it,

'cause it's the last time you're leaving your room

until you graduate.

Now, let's go.

(cheering)

Hey, what's up? We still have another set.

I'm taking my son home.

I can't believe you, Dad.

You're embarrassing me in front of the pastor!

Mr. Hill, you just don't get it.

This is how we testify.

(yelling, singing): ** Praise him! **

(shudders)

Can't you see you're not making Christianity better?

You're just making rock and roll worse.

You people are all the same.

You look at us and think we're freaks.

Come on, even Jesus had long hair.

Only because I wasn't his dad.

Is there a problem here, K?

Yeah, Pop.

This dude won't let Bobby praise J.C.

And he's ruining my show.

Look, I just want my son

back in regular church

obeying his normal parents and acting right.

See, Pop, he's holding him back.

What're you doing, Kevin?

You forgot Number Five.

Huh?

Never come between a kid and his dad.

If the man doesn't want his boy praising like you, it's cool.

Yeah, but... Now go finish your show

before they start mashing out of anger

instead of jubilation.

Fine.

Sorry about that, friend.

Oh, that's okay.

I got to admit, when you first walked up I didn't think

you and I were going to be on the same page.

I feel where you're coming from.

Teenagers.

Amen.

Let's go, Bobby.

You can give me the stink eye all you want,

but it's not going to change anything.

Fine. But when I'm 18,

I'm going to do whatever I want for the Lord.

Tattoos, piercings, the works.

Well, I'll take that chance.

Come here, there's something I want to show you.

Remember this?

My Bean Bag Buddy?

Oh, man, I can't believe I collected those things.

They're so lame.

You didn't think so five years ago.

And how about your virtual pet?

You used to carry this thing everywhere.

Then you got tired of it,

forgot to feed it, and it died.

I look like such a dork.

I know how you feel.

(laughs)

I never thought that Members Only jacket

would go out of style.

But it did.

I know you think that stuff you're doing now is cool,

but in a few years you're gonna think it's lame.

And I don't want the, uh,

Lord to, uh, you know, end up in this box.

I got you, Dad.

Hey, what's this picture?

Mom used to have blond hair?

HANK: Farrah Fawcett was very popular back then.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access. Wgbh. Org Ripped By mstoll

HANK: You know what's not cool? Hell.