Original subtitles

Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION Ripped By mstoll

(phone ringing)

Yo?

MAN: Daggum, dude, man,

talkin' big ol' bite of apple, man,

talkin' life sentence...

daggum buyin' a cow.

Oh, man, you talkin' 'bout 'em like like a dang ol'...

Dang.

Daggum, big wigjingo bang it up, dog!

Like... Woo! Yeah, baby!

(line disconnects)

Wow, so your little brother Patch is getting married.

Now that calls for a beer.

Yup! Yup!

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you boys were always competing over something.

Who could sell the most copies of Grit.

Who could bag the most groceries.

Who could bag the most ladies.

It was always close, but it was always Boomhauer.

Yeah, but Patch finally beat Boomhauer at something...

(chuckling): His way to the altar.

DALE: Oh, don't worry, Boomhauer,

Patch might have beat you to the altar,

but you'll beat him to the grave.

As a bachelor, your life expectancy

is seven years shorter than us blissfully marrieds.

Even Bill gets a couple of years' credit

for that charade of a marriage of his.

That's true.

Dang ol' journey, man, ain't no...

ain't no race.

Boomhauer!

Yo.

Yo!

Katherine Hester, man!

Oh, I can't believe it's been 12 years.

I just got into town a half hour ago.

It's like dang ol', talkin' 'bout destiny, man.

Talkin' 'boutol' planets aligned, you know,

just like a Big ol' Dipper, man.

Oh man, that dang ol' smile.

You remember getting our braces caught

and hooked like that, man.

Talkin' 'bout no pain, no gain.

You know, I've been thinking

about you a lot lately.

Oh, man... Dang ol' true man?

Well, yeah.

I mean I am marrying your brother.

You!

You're marrying... Patch?!

Talkin' 'bout my Patch?!

I guess I'm going to be Mrs. Boomhauer after all.

I was actually on my way to the airport to pick him up.

When you see him, could you act surprised?

That's perfect.

So, your brother's marrying Katherine.

She made the best beer.

Yup.

Wow, it's like if the Russians

landed on the moon after we did

and then married it.

Sorry, Boomhauer.

Boomhauer's okay.

He had his chance to land Katherine

in the boat years ago.

Instead, he cut the line.

Hey, man, it's like, dang ol' history man.

PATCH: Yee-ha!

Oh, man, here they come now.

Go act, like, surprised, man!

Gentlemen, intro-dang-ol'-ducing

daggum future Mrs. Patch Boomhauer!

Unbelievable.

Katherine, is it not?

Dang ol' stand there, black T-shirt,

looking all sharp man with that hair

all scruffy on top that way, man.

Come here.

Yeah, okay. Man, okay.

Hey, got dang it, man.

Don't wake up the dang ol' lion, man.

Man, hey, come on.

Hey, hey. Ow. Ow. Ow!

Daggum jaw, man. Talkin' TMJ, man.

PATCH: Shoot, man, yeah, that's what, like,

got me outta the daggum porta-john business,

dang ol' quick like, man,

'cause I'm telling you, like, whew.

Talkin' Andy Dump, man.

(laughing)

Oh, Patch.

Mm, I'll tell you what,

the blood runs hot in that Boomhauer family.

Yeah, that Patch got it going on,

but he a dog, I can smell it from here.

You know, I still remember

the day Katherine left for London.

Boomhauer stayed in his hot tub for two straight days.

I have never seen a man look so unhappy, yet so relaxed.

Bobby, what are you doing?

I want to show Patch

I've got what it takes to be a ring boy.

It's ring bearer, and that's Lady bird's job.

Besides, you're old enough to be an usher.

An usher? Wow!

Sir, come back when you have a tie.

PATCH: Yo! Shush it!

Talkin' 'bout since I was a little boy,

big brother man, fed me dirt and daggum bugs,

but, you know, long story short, man,

talkin' 'bout... best man.

Yo.

Very touching,

but something tells me this is not over.

So, uh, Boomhauer, how you doing there?

Well, man, you know,

this dang ol' beer's a little warm,

but, you know.

(sighs)

To be thinking of her as your sister-in-law.

Hey, man, I ain't got no dang ol' problem here, man,

you know, talkin' 'bout you got little son of yours, man,

walking around carrying that dang ol' little burger

on a pillow, man, you got...

"We-We're here

to congratulate Patch and Katherine on..."

PATCH: Daggum cannonball!

Watch it with that dang ol' cannonball, man!

LUANNE: Hello, Mr. Boomhauer.

Thanks for letting me borrow your Walkman.

I broke it.

Talkin' 'bout meow. Here, kitty-kitty.

Patch-elor party, man.

Daggum, find you a place to sit, darlin'.

Um...

Just a little ol' kidder, man, you know,

every dang ol' April Fool's, growing up, man,

putting up a little ol' frog in my bed.

You know, just ol' Patch, man.

Woo-dogs, that's a sweet taste, man.

Lookin' forward to that meal.

You know, like...

(imitates porn music)

You know you gotta talk 'bout, think 'bout new,

turning over a new leaf with ol' Katherine, man.

You got, like, vows, man, talkin' 'bout vows.

Yo man, talkin' 'bout, eating at home, man,

'cept for drive-thru window action now and then, man.

Talkin' 'bout fast food, baby!

Dang ol' grow up, man.

Yup.

Yup.

Fight!

BOOMHAUER: Get off me, man!

(shouting)

Now calm down!

Both of you!

I can't understand a word you're saying!

Shoot, man, I mean, man,

just talkin' wedding, man, goes off.

Daggum jealousy, man.

Ugly, green-eyed monster, man.

You must settle this like men.

Angry, redneck men.

Blunderbusses at 20 paces!

Dang it, Boomhauer.

Your brother is getting married

and you need to start acting right!

Talkin' 'bout tell him, man!

He's the one wanna

get dang ol' hoochie- coochie dance, man.

Hey, man, no, you too much hoochie-coochie man,

talkin' you ain't no best man after all, no way, man!

Yeah man, you know, you can't fire me, man,

'cause I tell you what: I quit!

(gasping)

Daggum can't have no wedding with no best man, man.

Hold the ring, give the speech, man, you know,

throw the bachelor party, man.

Daggum, man, you know, talking about, Hank?

Whoa. Yeah, but...

Me? Your best man?

Well, I...

(sighs)

Patch...

I'd be honored.

Well, what was I going to do?

Let Patch have a wedding without a best man?

Boomhauer had his chance with Katherine.

Maybe this is just the kick in the pants

Boomhauer needs to snap him out of that Peter Pan lifestyle.

You know, maybe you're right.

He's not getting any younger,

and all the women he dates are.

Something's got to give.

So, what are Patch and Katherine

serving at their wedding?

I need to know what color tux to get...

stain-wise.

Hey, uh, Boomhauer, we're going to start

planning the bachelor party at my place tonight.

You want to join us?

Remember how much fun you had at our bachelor parties?

Hey, Bill, can you grab me a beer?

(laughing)

Hey, Hank, could you grab me a beer?

(laughing)

Dang ol' ball and chain, man.

Hey, man, Dale, why don't you go

and get me a dang ol' beer, man?

Ah! Wha-What is it, a bomb?!

I can't lose it! It's after me!

Help!

So what do you say, Boomhauer?

You ready to step back in?

No, man.

(knocking)

Hello, Boomhauer.

I heard you dropped out as Patch's best man.

I, dang, I don't want to say nothing 'bout dang ol'...

Dial back the charm, we've got some talking to do.

I really want us to work things out

because I couldn't stand the idea

of my kids not knowing their Uncle Boomhauer.

Man, it's just dang ol' complicated, you know, man.

It's like a dang ol' Rubik's cube, man, like,

talkin' 'bout blue, red, man, then you get to one side,

then it like messes up the other side, man.

Well, I truly hope that you'll at least come to the wedding.

Dang ol', I-I'll-I'll be there, man.

Hey, Patch.

We're all geared up for one heck of

a bachelor party tomorrow night.

We got you three kinds of sausage and two kinds of pizza.

You can eat yourself silly, bachelor.

Shoot man, talkin' about entertainment, man.

Talkin' shake things up, man, get live, be wild,

you know, talkin' go pro.

Professional entertainers? Wow.

Daggum right, man. I'll have him call ya.

You know, dang ol' bring plenty of singles, huh!

(imitates porn music)

I wish Boomhauer could see how happy Patch is.

So what do you suppose the live entertainment is?

Karaoke.

(chuckles)

Well, he did say it would be wild.

HANK: Tomorrow night from 7:00 to 10:00 PM,

the family room is reserved

for a bachelor party.

I've got a variance from the city.

They're letting us have 70 decibels.

Same as Bennigan's.

Well, we are having

a bachelorette party for Katherine,

and Minh is bringing three Patrick Swayze movies.

(whispering): Bobby, now I can't officially invite you

to the bachelor party,

but if a certain usher

sneaked in and had a Snappy Tom

or maybe some unattended Collins mixer,

I'd be too busy to notice.

(phone ringing)

Hill residence.

Yeah, this is Kraig T. Of KT Entertainment.

Of some special talent tomorrow night.

Is that correct?

Oh, yes, yes, the party planner.

Now, the groom mentioned

that he would like a happy ending.

You cool with that?

Of course, he's getting married!

Oh, man. Dang, dang ol' beautiful, man.

Oh, I'm sure somehow it's bad luck

for you to see me in my gown.

Will you try to stop by Patch's bachelor party?

Knowing Patch, it'll be pretty tame,

but I'm sure there'll be good food and good music.

Katherine, man, you know...

I-I don't want to go against blood or nothin' like that,

but, man, you know... got...

got to keep a dang ol' eye on Patch, man.

Boomhauer!

I never thought I'd have to pull you in the garage

like I do with Bill and Dale.

Hey, man... The time for you to stop this wedding

was 20 years ago, before you broke up with Katherine.

You need to grow up.

Patch did.

Now-now-now, you don't understand, man...

I think I understand plenty,

but you need to suck it up

and get with the program.

Ace high, in your face, sir.

Yeah, look at that... all those Frito chips are all yours, ol' top.

(clears throat): Uh, hey, Patch, can you grab me a beer?

(laughing)

Hold it down, guys. We're-we're pushing past 60.

BOOMHAUER: Yo, man.

Talkin' 'bout... yo.

Aw...

(doorbell rings)

Be right there!

Everyone hold on to your hats,

'cause the special talent has just arrived.

Yee-haw!

Hello. You must be Mr. T.

How are you this evening, sir?

Leave the door unlocked like we discussed?

Yes, sir.

Ah, karaoke. Dale was right.

Edible underpants...

made from the same stuff as fruit roll-up,

so don't sit on anything dusty.

Game time!

101 Bachelorette Party Games.

For the first game,

we will need nail polish and a summer squash...

Oh! Eh...

Why don't we go see what the guys are up to?

KRAIG T: Gentlemen, there's only one rule,

and that is to have fun...

and to tip generously.

Well, since you're here to emcee,

I'm going to go get the hot wings.

I could use a little help.

Gents, there is a special menu available

for special requests,

all right, huh,

okay, all right?

Now let's get the bachelor!

GUYS: Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch,

Patch, Patch!

Dang, man, ol', don't, no way, man,

talkin' 'bout dang ol' sanctity of marriage, man.

Just dang ol' get on out.

Daggum, mine all mine, man.

Talkin' primed and ready.

Here, here's some dang ol' money.

Now-now, you just dang ol' get on out of here, man.

Hold on now. Come on, baby.

We need a bedroom story, man, talking "Once Upon My Lap."

Get 'em while they're hot!

BOBBY: Wow! You didn't tell me

about this part, Dad.

Bobby, close your eyes and go to your room.

Boomhauer, what are you doing?

Patch?

Daggum ol' help!

Boomhauer, told you no hanky and panky.

Dang ol' hijacked by Boom-hos.

Is this true?

Boomhauer, did you pay

for these women to...

I can't believe you!

Marriage may not mean anything to you,

but it means a lot to Patch and me and Buck

and everyone else here!

Hey, man, now I'm talkin' 'bout ol' dang ol'...

I don't want to hear it!

Now take your hired floozies and get the hell out!

Now, Boomhauer!

Guys night out, man, talkin'... girls?

Why?

I really thought Boomhauer had come around.

I mean, he brought beer...

but then... the prostitutes.

Maybe you can work that into your best man speech

at the rehearsal dinner.

You know, in a funny way.

What really bugs me

is that Boomhauer flat out lied to me.

(sighs): It makes me question our entire friendship.

Whore monger, yes; liar, unproven.

Technically, Boomhauer did not lie to your face.

You merely assume that he lied.

Wait a minute. You're right.

I never asked Boomhauer

if he tried to break up Patch and Katherine,

so he hasn't actually lied to me yet.

If I go to Boomhauer, and he comes clean, well...

maybe there's a chance we can still be friends.

Does this suit smell like embalming fluid to you?

Now, Boomhauer,

as a man, I'm obligated

to try to salvage our friendship of over 30 years

by asking you some tough questions.

(sighs)

Do you love Katherine Hester?

Yo, man.

And does the thought of Patch marrying her tear you up inside?

Yo, man.

And did you hire those ladies of easy virtue

to frame Patch and break up the wedding?

No, man.

Oh, Boomhauer,

I am so sorry for doubting you.

Well, wait a minute.

If you didn't hire those girls, then...

Kraig T?!

Oh, God, Patch knew all along!

Dang ol' yeah, man,

now-now, talkin' 'bout d-don't get hurt

falling off that dang ol' high horse, man. Boomhauer,

I deserve all that and more,

but right now I need to get to the rehearsal dinner

and set things right.

I'll give Patch the "happy ending" he deserves,

I tell you what.

Dang ol', where's the best man, daggum, Hank?

Gotta give speech, man, talkin' 'bout...

(imitating Hank): "Life's funny sometimes..." like that, man.

Oh, my God, your Hank is dead-on.

You know, I do a great Bobby.

Excuse me, sir.

We have a hard 7:00 start time,

so I'm going to...

There Boomhauer.

We get a good fight, it make up for cash bar.

Uh, sorry I'm late.

(clears throat): Hank Hill, Best Man, Strickland Propane.

When people get married, as these two plan tomorrow,

you've got to act right.

You've got to have commitment,

devotion, trust.

You can't be fooling around,

and you surely can't be... (glass chiming)

There's something I have to say.

When Patch first asked me to marry him,

it was a dream come true...

...but when I got here,

I realized how much Patch reminded me of Boomhauer,

and that I might be trying to recapture something I lost.

And then Boomhauer hired

a bunch of prostitutes

to make me think Patch was some kind of pervert...

and I hated him for it...

...but it was that desperate, crazy, romantic move

that made me realize maybe there is something

still between Boomhauer and me.

I'm sorry, Patch.

I cannot marry you.

Well, now hold on, baby.

Now, daggum, no, man.

It was all me.

Yeah, all me.

Talkin' 'bout frequent buyer,

spent Thanksgiving with them hos, man.

(gasping)

Oh, my!

You're the one who hired those strippers?

Dang straight, baby.

Dang ol' hopeless romantic.

Uh, no.

Boomhauer hired them because he couldn't stand to see us together

is a grand romantic gesture.

You hiring them is...

just plain sleazy.

It's over, Patch.

Dang ol', no, baby, talkin' 'bout not me, man, talkin'...

Hank! Dang ol' Hank loves hookers, man.

Well, here we are saying good-bye again.

Don't worry. I'm not going to do a donut

in your front lawn this time.

(sighs): I just need to go away for a while

and get my head together.

Hey, man, talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' roller coaster, man.

You know, I talk... we talk about destiny,

and that Big ol' Dipper, man, you know,

well, it's just like a... like a dang ol' North Star, man,

and I always will be there, man,

you know, just like a dang ol' GPS...

I feel the same way.

Hey, um, dang ol' Hank, man, you know,

talkin' 'bout, like, that dang ol' day

might never not ever come, you know,

but if it do, man, you know, I...

you know, man, I might be puttin' a little ol' call on... on you, man.

Well, Boomhauer, I'd be honored.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access. Wgbh. Org Ripped By mstoll

Whoa-ho-hoo, Patch.