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Captioning sponsored by
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
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00:00:17,967 --> 00:00:23,801
and 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
Ripped By mstoll
3
00:00:45,595 --> 00:00:48,325
(phone ringing)
4
00:00:48,364 --> 00:00:49,626
Yo?
5
00:00:49,665 --> 00:00:50,825
MAN:
Daggum, dude, man,
6
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:52,198
talkin' big ol' bite
of apple, man,
7
00:00:52,235 --> 00:00:53,202
talkin' life sentence...
8
00:00:53,236 --> 00:00:54,669
daggum buyin' a cow.
9
00:00:54,704 --> 00:00:57,070
Oh, man, you talkin' 'bout 'em
like like a dang ol'...
10
00:00:57,106 --> 00:00:58,266
Dang.
11
00:00:58,307 --> 00:01:00,104
Daggum, big wigjingo
bang it up, dog!
12
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,474
Like... Woo! Yeah, baby!
13
00:01:01,511 --> 00:01:03,376
(line disconnects)
14
00:01:03,412 --> 00:01:06,643
Wow, so your little brother
Patch is getting married.
15
00:01:06,682 --> 00:01:08,274
Now that calls
for a beer.
16
00:01:08,317 --> 00:01:09,477
Yup!
Yup!
17
00:01:09,519 --> 00:01:10,508
Mm-hmm.
18
00:01:12,255 --> 00:01:15,383
Yeah, you boys were always
competing over something.
19
00:01:15,424 --> 00:01:17,619
Who could sell
the most copies of Grit.
20
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,719
Who could bag
the most groceries.
21
00:01:19,762 --> 00:01:21,627
Who could bag
the most ladies.
22
00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:25,327
It was always close, but
it was always Boomhauer.
23
00:01:25,368 --> 00:01:28,269
Yeah, but Patch finally beat
Boomhauer at something...
24
00:01:28,304 --> 00:01:30,397
(chuckling):
His way to the altar.
25
00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:32,339
DALE:
Oh, don't worry,
Boomhauer,
26
00:01:32,375 --> 00:01:34,275
Patch might have
beat you to the altar,
27
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:35,902
but you'll beat him
to the grave.
28
00:01:35,945 --> 00:01:38,038
As a bachelor,
your life expectancy
29
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,311
is seven years shorter
than us blissfully marrieds.
30
00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:43,716
Even Bill gets a couple
of years' credit
31
00:01:43,753 --> 00:01:46,119
for that charade
of a marriage of his.
32
00:01:46,155 --> 00:01:48,521
That's true.
33
00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:50,116
Dang ol' journey,
man, ain't no...
34
00:01:50,159 --> 00:01:51,251
ain't no race.
35
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,524
Boomhauer!
36
00:02:22,558 --> 00:02:23,616
Yo.
37
00:02:23,659 --> 00:02:25,024
Yo!
38
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,426
Katherine Hester, man!
39
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,462
Oh, I can't believe
it's been 12 years.
40
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,627
I just got into town
a half hour ago.
41
00:02:33,669 --> 00:02:36,137
It's like dang ol',
talkin' 'bout destiny, man.
42
00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:38,504
Talkin' 'boutol' planets
aligned, you know,
43
00:02:38,541 --> 00:02:40,338
just like a Big ol' Dipper, man.
44
00:02:41,410 --> 00:02:42,638
Oh man, that
dang ol' smile.
45
00:02:42,678 --> 00:02:44,407
You remember getting
our braces caught
46
00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:45,675
and hooked like that, man.
47
00:02:45,715 --> 00:02:47,148
Talkin' 'bout
no pain, no gain.
48
00:02:47,183 --> 00:02:49,151
You know, I've
been thinking
49
00:02:49,185 --> 00:02:50,880
about you a lot lately.
50
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,820
Oh, man...
Dang ol' true man?
51
00:02:52,855 --> 00:02:53,947
Well, yeah.
52
00:02:53,990 --> 00:02:55,753
I mean I am marrying
your brother.
53
00:02:55,791 --> 00:02:56,758
You!
54
00:02:56,792 --> 00:02:58,089
You're marrying...
Patch?!
55
00:02:58,127 --> 00:02:59,560
Talkin' 'bout my Patch?!
56
00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:01,859
I guess I'm going to be
Mrs. Boomhauer after all.
57
00:03:01,898 --> 00:03:04,230
I was actually on my way
to the airport to pick him up.
58
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,895
When you see him,
could you act surprised?
59
00:03:08,337 --> 00:03:10,032
That's perfect.
60
00:03:16,445 --> 00:03:19,642
So, your brother's
marrying Katherine.
61
00:03:19,682 --> 00:03:21,616
She made the best beer.
62
00:03:21,651 --> 00:03:22,845
Yup.
63
00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:24,443
Wow, it's like
if the Russians
64
00:03:24,487 --> 00:03:26,114
landed on the moon
after we did
65
00:03:26,155 --> 00:03:28,123
and then married it.
66
00:03:28,157 --> 00:03:29,681
Sorry, Boomhauer.
67
00:03:29,725 --> 00:03:31,454
Boomhauer's okay.
68
00:03:31,494 --> 00:03:33,587
He had his chance
to land Katherine
69
00:03:33,629 --> 00:03:34,926
in the boat
years ago.
70
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,591
Instead,
he cut the line.
71
00:03:36,632 --> 00:03:39,123
Hey, man, it's like,
dang ol' history man.
72
00:03:44,907 --> 00:03:46,169
PATCH:
Yee-ha!
73
00:03:47,243 --> 00:03:48,710
Oh, man, here they come now.
74
00:03:48,744 --> 00:03:50,678
Go act, like,
surprised, man!
75
00:03:54,116 --> 00:03:56,277
Gentlemen,
intro-dang-ol'-ducing
76
00:03:56,319 --> 00:04:00,016
daggum future
Mrs. Patch Boomhauer!
77
00:04:00,056 --> 00:04:02,217
Unbelievable.
78
00:04:02,258 --> 00:04:02,622
Katherine,
is it not?
79
00:04:06,529 --> 00:04:07,757
Dang ol' stand there,
black T-shirt,
80
00:04:07,797 --> 00:04:09,059
looking all sharp man
with that hair
81
00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:10,258
all scruffy on top
that way, man.
82
00:04:10,299 --> 00:04:11,266
Come here.
83
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,289
Yeah, okay.
Man, okay.
84
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:13,495
Hey, got dang it, man.
85
00:04:13,536 --> 00:04:15,094
Don't wake up
the dang ol' lion, man.
86
00:04:17,139 --> 00:04:17,969
Man, hey, come on.
87
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:19,907
Hey, hey. Ow. Ow. Ow!
88
00:04:19,942 --> 00:04:22,069
Daggum jaw, man.
Talkin' TMJ, man.
89
00:04:27,483 --> 00:04:29,007
PATCH:
Shoot, man, yeah,
that's what, like,
90
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:30,678
got me outta the daggum
porta-john business,
91
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:31,846
dang ol' quick like, man,
92
00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:33,855
'cause I'm telling you,
like, whew.
93
00:04:33,889 --> 00:04:34,685
Talkin' Andy Dump, man.
94
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:35,884
(laughing)
95
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,415
Oh, Patch.
96
00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:38,893
Mm, I'll tell you what,
97
00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:41,726
the blood runs hot
in that Boomhauer family.
98
00:04:41,764 --> 00:04:43,527
Yeah, that Patch
got it going on,
99
00:04:43,566 --> 00:04:45,693
but he a dog, I can
smell it from here.
100
00:04:45,735 --> 00:04:46,997
You know, I still remember
101
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,664
the day
Katherine left for London.
102
00:04:49,705 --> 00:04:51,935
Boomhauer stayed in his hot tub
for two straight days.
103
00:04:51,974 --> 00:04:55,910
I have never seen a man look
so unhappy, yet so relaxed.
104
00:05:02,151 --> 00:05:04,210
Bobby, what are you doing?
105
00:05:04,253 --> 00:05:05,515
I want to show Patch
106
00:05:05,554 --> 00:05:07,419
I've got what it takes
to be a ring boy.
107
00:05:07,456 --> 00:05:10,789
It's ring bearer,
and that's Lady bird's job.
108
00:05:10,826 --> 00:05:12,919
Besides, you're old enough
to be an usher.
109
00:05:12,962 --> 00:05:15,192
An usher? Wow!
110
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:18,064
Sir, come back when
you have a tie.
111
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,533
PATCH:
Yo! Shush it!
112
00:05:19,568 --> 00:05:21,365
Talkin' 'bout since
I was a little boy,
113
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,463
big brother man, fed me
dirt and daggum bugs,
114
00:05:23,506 --> 00:05:25,235
but, you know,
long story short, man,
115
00:05:25,274 --> 00:05:26,866
talkin' 'bout... best man.
116
00:05:33,449 --> 00:05:35,212
Yo.
117
00:05:40,322 --> 00:05:41,482
Very touching,
118
00:05:41,524 --> 00:05:43,389
but something tells me
this is not over.
119
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,532
So, uh, Boomhauer,
how you doing there?
120
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:52,591
Well, man, you know,
121
00:05:52,635 --> 00:05:54,068
this dang ol' beer's
a little warm,
122
00:05:54,103 --> 00:05:55,070
but, you know.
123
00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,503
(sighs)
124
00:05:57,773 --> 00:05:59,638
To be thinking of her
as your sister-in-law.
125
00:05:59,675 --> 00:06:01,666
Hey, man, I ain't got no dang
ol' problem here, man,
126
00:06:01,710 --> 00:06:03,940
you know, talkin' 'bout you got
little son of yours, man,
127
00:06:03,979 --> 00:06:05,970
walking around carrying
that dang ol' little burger
128
00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:07,482
on a pillow, man,
you got...
129
00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,249
"We-We're here
130
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,016
to congratulate Patch
and Katherine on..."
131
00:06:13,055 --> 00:06:14,249
PATCH:
Daggum cannonball!
132
00:06:16,525 --> 00:06:18,755
Watch it with that dang
ol' cannonball, man!
133
00:06:18,794 --> 00:06:20,762
LUANNE:
Hello,
Mr. Boomhauer.
134
00:06:20,796 --> 00:06:23,094
Thanks for letting me
borrow your Walkman.
135
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,464
I broke it.
136
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:26,559
Talkin' 'bout meow.
Here, kitty-kitty.
137
00:06:26,602 --> 00:06:28,035
Patch-elor party, man.
138
00:06:28,070 --> 00:06:30,004
Daggum, find you
a place to sit, darlin'.
139
00:06:30,039 --> 00:06:31,165
Um...
140
00:06:31,207 --> 00:06:32,572
Just a little ol' kidder,
man, you know,
141
00:06:32,608 --> 00:06:34,235
every dang ol' April Fool's,
growing up, man,
142
00:06:34,276 --> 00:06:35,834
putting up a little
ol' frog in my bed.
143
00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:37,846
You know, just ol' Patch, man.
144
00:06:39,849 --> 00:06:41,214
Woo-dogs, that's
a sweet taste, man.
145
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:42,376
Lookin' forward
to that meal.
146
00:06:42,418 --> 00:06:43,715
You know, like...
147
00:06:43,752 --> 00:06:45,151
(imitates porn music)
148
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:46,654
You know you gotta talk
'bout, think 'bout new,
149
00:06:46,689 --> 00:06:48,520
turning over a new leaf
with ol' Katherine, man.
150
00:06:48,557 --> 00:06:51,219
You got, like, vows, man,
talkin' 'bout vows.
151
00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:52,955
Yo man, talkin' 'bout,
eating at home, man,
152
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,259
'cept for drive-thru window
action now and then, man.
153
00:06:55,297 --> 00:06:57,162
Talkin' 'bout fast food, baby!
154
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:59,064
Dang ol' grow up, man.
155
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,660
Yup.
156
00:07:02,705 --> 00:07:04,104
Yup.
157
00:07:04,140 --> 00:07:05,129
Fight!
158
00:07:07,843 --> 00:07:09,834
BOOMHAUER:
Get off me, man!
159
00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:12,507
(shouting)
160
00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:14,175
Now calm down!
161
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,478
Both of you!
162
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,213
I can't understand
a word you're saying!
163
00:07:17,253 --> 00:07:18,447
Shoot, man, I mean, man,
164
00:07:18,487 --> 00:07:20,079
just talkin' wedding, man,
goes off.
165
00:07:20,122 --> 00:07:21,146
Daggum jealousy, man.
166
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,657
Ugly, green-eyed monster, man.
167
00:07:22,691 --> 00:07:24,750
You must settle this like men.
168
00:07:24,793 --> 00:07:26,226
Angry, redneck men.
169
00:07:26,262 --> 00:07:28,492
Blunderbusses at 20 paces!
170
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,896
Dang it, Boomhauer.
171
00:07:29,932 --> 00:07:31,456
Your brother
is getting married
172
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:33,195
and you need to start
acting right!
173
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,327
Talkin' 'bout tell him, man!
174
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,667
He's the one wanna
175
00:07:35,704 --> 00:07:38,138
get dang ol' hoochie-
coochie dance, man.
176
00:07:38,174 --> 00:07:39,539
Hey, man, no, you too much
hoochie-coochie man,
177
00:07:39,575 --> 00:07:40,837
talkin' you ain't no best man
after all, no way, man!
178
00:07:40,876 --> 00:07:42,776
Yeah man, you know,
you can't fire me, man,
179
00:07:42,811 --> 00:07:44,244
'cause I tell you what: I quit!
180
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,805
(gasping)
181
00:07:46,849 --> 00:07:48,646
Daggum can't have no wedding
with no best man, man.
182
00:07:48,684 --> 00:07:50,982
Hold the ring, give
the speech, man, you know,
183
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,180
throw the bachelor party, man.
184
00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:55,281
Daggum, man, you know,
talking about, Hank?
185
00:07:55,324 --> 00:07:56,916
Whoa.
Yeah, but...
186
00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:59,393
Me? Your best man?
187
00:08:00,696 --> 00:08:01,890
Well, I...
188
00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:04,564
(sighs)
189
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:05,828
Patch...
190
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:07,665
I'd be honored.
191
00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:16,108
Well, what was I going to do?
192
00:08:16,145 --> 00:08:18,238
Let Patch have a wedding
without a best man?
193
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,180
Boomhauer had his chance
with Katherine.
194
00:08:20,216 --> 00:08:22,184
Maybe this is just
the kick in the pants
195
00:08:22,218 --> 00:08:25,654
Boomhauer needs to snap him out
of that Peter Pan lifestyle.
196
00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:26,985
You know, maybe you're right.
197
00:08:27,022 --> 00:08:29,388
He's not getting
any younger,
198
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,449
and all the women
he dates are.
199
00:08:30,492 --> 00:08:32,653
Something's got to give.
200
00:08:32,695 --> 00:08:34,492
So, what are Patch
and Katherine
201
00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:35,929
serving
at their wedding?
202
00:08:35,965 --> 00:08:38,195
I need to know what
color tux to get...
203
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:40,395
stain-wise.
204
00:08:41,971 --> 00:08:44,462
Hey, uh, Boomhauer,
we're going to start
205
00:08:44,506 --> 00:08:46,633
planning the bachelor party
at my place tonight.
206
00:08:46,675 --> 00:08:48,040
You want to join us?
207
00:08:48,077 --> 00:08:50,875
Remember how much fun you had
at our bachelor parties?
208
00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,148
Hey, Bill, can you
grab me a beer?
209
00:09:00,923 --> 00:09:04,791
(laughing)
210
00:09:06,061 --> 00:09:09,462
Hey, Hank, could you
grab me a beer?
211
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,598
(laughing)
212
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,969
Dang ol' ball and chain, man.
213
00:09:18,073 --> 00:09:19,665
Hey, man, Dale,
why don't you go
214
00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:21,369
and get me a dang ol'
beer, man?
215
00:09:24,013 --> 00:09:26,948
Ah! Wha-What is it,
a bomb?!
216
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:30,614
I can't lose it! It's after me!
217
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,881
Help!
218
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,320
So what do you say,
Boomhauer?
219
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:36,586
You ready
to step back in?
220
00:09:36,625 --> 00:09:38,115
No, man.
221
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:51,004
(knocking)
222
00:09:53,642 --> 00:09:54,939
Hello, Boomhauer.
223
00:09:54,977 --> 00:09:57,377
I heard you dropped out
as Patch's best man.
224
00:09:57,413 --> 00:10:00,439
I, dang, I don't want to
say nothing 'bout dang ol'...
225
00:10:00,482 --> 00:10:03,383
Dial back the charm,
we've got some talking to do.
226
00:10:05,921 --> 00:10:08,151
I really want us
to work things out
227
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,249
because I couldn't
stand the idea
228
00:10:10,292 --> 00:10:12,726
of my kids not knowing
their Uncle Boomhauer.
229
00:10:12,761 --> 00:10:15,423
Man, it's just dang ol'
complicated, you know, man.
230
00:10:15,464 --> 00:10:17,864
It's like a dang ol'
Rubik's cube, man, like,
231
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,164
talkin' 'bout blue, red, man,
then you get to one side,
232
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:22,864
then it like messes up
the other side, man.
233
00:10:22,905 --> 00:10:25,373
Well, I truly hope that you'll
at least come to the wedding.
234
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:28,740
Dang ol', I-I'll-I'll
be there, man.
235
00:10:40,589 --> 00:10:42,079
Hey, Patch.
236
00:10:42,124 --> 00:10:43,853
We're all geared up
for one heck of
237
00:10:43,892 --> 00:10:45,484
a bachelor party
tomorrow night.
238
00:10:45,527 --> 00:10:49,054
We got you three kinds of
sausage and two kinds of pizza.
239
00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:51,760
You can eat yourself silly,
bachelor.
240
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,665
Shoot man, talkin' about
entertainment, man.
241
00:10:53,702 --> 00:10:55,727
Talkin' shake things up, man,
get live, be wild,
242
00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:56,863
you know, talkin' go pro.
243
00:10:56,905 --> 00:10:59,100
Professional entertainers?
Wow.
244
00:10:59,141 --> 00:11:00,540
Daggum right, man.
I'll have him call ya.
245
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:02,771
You know, dang ol' bring
plenty of singles, huh!
246
00:11:02,811 --> 00:11:05,245
(imitates porn music)
247
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,010
I wish Boomhauer could
see how happy Patch is.
248
00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:10,917
So what do you suppose
the live entertainment is?
249
00:11:10,953 --> 00:11:12,250
Karaoke.
250
00:11:12,287 --> 00:11:13,618
(chuckles)
251
00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:16,488
Well, he did say
it would be wild.
252
00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:19,722
HANK: Tomorrow nightfrom 7:00 to 10:00 PM,
253
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,093
the family room
is reserved
254
00:11:21,130 --> 00:11:23,496
for a bachelor party.
255
00:11:23,532 --> 00:11:24,726
I've got a variance
from the city.
256
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,667
They're letting us
have 70 decibels.
257
00:11:26,702 --> 00:11:28,067
Same as Bennigan's.
258
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:29,263
Well, we are having
259
00:11:29,304 --> 00:11:31,033
a bachelorette party
for Katherine,
260
00:11:31,073 --> 00:11:34,975
and Minh is bringing three
Patrick Swayze movies.
261
00:11:36,812 --> 00:11:39,838
(whispering):
Bobby, now I can't
officially invite you
262
00:11:39,882 --> 00:11:41,179
to the bachelor party,
263
00:11:41,216 --> 00:11:42,774
but if a certain usher
264
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:45,286
sneaked in and had
a Snappy Tom
265
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,754
or maybe some unattended
Collins mixer,
266
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,417
I'd be too busy to notice.
267
00:11:50,392 --> 00:11:52,860
(phone ringing)
268
00:11:52,895 --> 00:11:54,192
Hill residence.
269
00:11:54,229 --> 00:11:55,662
Yeah, this is Kraig T.
Of KT Entertainment.
270
00:11:56,765 --> 00:11:58,062
Of some special talent
tomorrow night.
271
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,226
Is that correct?
272
00:11:59,268 --> 00:12:01,293
Oh, yes, yes,
the party planner.
273
00:12:02,171 --> 00:12:03,331
Now, the groom mentioned
274
00:12:03,372 --> 00:12:04,634
that he would
like a happy ending.
275
00:12:04,673 --> 00:12:05,640
You cool with that?
276
00:12:05,674 --> 00:12:06,834
Of course, he's getting married!
277
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:24,320
Oh, man. Dang, dang
ol' beautiful, man.
278
00:12:24,359 --> 00:12:26,384
Oh, I'm sure somehow
it's bad luck
279
00:12:26,428 --> 00:12:29,056
for you to see me
in my gown.
280
00:12:29,097 --> 00:12:31,395
Will you try to stop
by Patch's bachelor party?
281
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:33,060
Knowing Patch,
it'll be pretty tame,
282
00:12:33,101 --> 00:12:36,093
but I'm sure there'll be
good food and good music.
283
00:12:36,138 --> 00:12:37,833
Katherine, man,
you know...
284
00:12:37,873 --> 00:12:39,898
I-I don't want to
go against blood or
nothin' like that,
285
00:12:39,942 --> 00:12:41,409
but, man, you
know... got...
286
00:12:41,443 --> 00:12:43,911
got to keep a dang
ol' eye on Patch, man.
287
00:12:43,946 --> 00:12:46,039
Boomhauer!
288
00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:50,143
I never thought I'd have
to pull you in the garage
289
00:12:50,185 --> 00:12:52,847
like I do with Bill and Dale.
290
00:12:52,888 --> 00:12:54,515
Hey, man... The time for you
to stop this wedding
291
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:57,616
was 20 years ago,
before you broke up with Katherine.
292
00:12:57,659 --> 00:12:59,092
You need to grow up.
293
00:12:59,127 --> 00:13:00,253
Patch did.
294
00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:01,853
Now-now-now, you don't
understand, man...
295
00:13:01,897 --> 00:13:03,922
I think I
understand plenty,
296
00:13:03,966 --> 00:13:05,365
but you need
to suck it up
297
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,061
and get with the program.
298
00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:17,444
Ace high,
in your face, sir.
299
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:20,846
Yeah, look at that...
all those Frito chips
are all yours, ol' top.
300
00:13:24,987 --> 00:13:29,048
(clears throat): Uh, hey, Patch,
can you grab me a beer?
301
00:13:30,259 --> 00:13:32,557
(laughing)
302
00:13:35,297 --> 00:13:37,731
Hold it down, guys.
We're-we're pushing past 60.
303
00:13:37,766 --> 00:13:38,733
BOOMHAUER:
Yo, man.
304
00:13:39,801 --> 00:13:41,598
Talkin' 'bout... yo.
305
00:13:41,637 --> 00:13:43,070
Aw...
306
00:13:44,039 --> 00:13:45,063
(doorbell rings)
307
00:13:45,107 --> 00:13:46,506
Be right there!
308
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,237
Everyone hold on
to your hats,
309
00:13:48,277 --> 00:13:50,768
'cause the special talent
has just arrived.
310
00:13:50,812 --> 00:13:52,871
Yee-haw!
311
00:13:54,283 --> 00:13:56,114
Hello. You must be Mr. T.
312
00:13:56,151 --> 00:13:57,584
How are you this
evening, sir?
313
00:13:58,820 --> 00:14:00,151
Leave the door unlocked
like we discussed?
314
00:14:00,188 --> 00:14:01,212
Yes, sir.
315
00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:05,419
Ah, karaoke.
Dale was right.
316
00:14:07,062 --> 00:14:08,723
Edible underpants...
317
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,527
made from the same stuff
as fruit roll-up,
318
00:14:10,566 --> 00:14:12,193
so don't sit
on anything dusty.
319
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:14,498
Game time!
320
00:14:14,536 --> 00:14:16,367
101 Bachelorette PartyGames.
321
00:14:16,405 --> 00:14:17,872
For the first game,
322
00:14:17,906 --> 00:14:21,535
we will need nail polish
and a summer squash...
323
00:14:21,577 --> 00:14:22,976
Oh! Eh...
324
00:14:23,011 --> 00:14:25,377
Why don't we go see
what the guys are up to?
325
00:14:25,414 --> 00:14:27,211
KRAIG T:
Gentlemen, there's
only one rule,
326
00:14:27,249 --> 00:14:28,841
and that is to have fun...
327
00:14:28,884 --> 00:14:31,375
and to tip generously.
328
00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:32,887
Well, since you're here
to emcee,
329
00:14:32,921 --> 00:14:34,821
I'm going to go get
the hot wings.
330
00:14:34,856 --> 00:14:36,483
I could use a little help.
331
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,388
Gents, there is
a special menu available
332
00:14:39,428 --> 00:14:40,554
for special requests,
333
00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:41,654
all right, huh,
334
00:14:41,697 --> 00:14:42,721
okay, all right?
335
00:14:42,764 --> 00:14:44,231
Now let's get the bachelor!
336
00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:47,167
GUYS:
Patch, Patch, Patch, Patch,
337
00:14:47,202 --> 00:14:49,033
Patch, Patch!
338
00:14:51,373 --> 00:14:53,364
Dang, man, ol',
don't, no way, man,
339
00:14:53,408 --> 00:14:55,239
talkin' 'bout dang ol' sanctity
of marriage, man.
340
00:14:55,277 --> 00:14:56,403
Just dang ol' get on out.
341
00:14:56,445 --> 00:14:57,742
Daggum, mine all mine, man.
342
00:14:57,779 --> 00:14:58,905
Talkin' primed and ready.
343
00:14:58,947 --> 00:15:00,380
Here, here's some
dang ol' money.
344
00:15:00,415 --> 00:15:02,975
Now-now, you just dang ol' get
on out of here, man.
345
00:15:03,018 --> 00:15:04,576
Hold on now. Come on, baby.
346
00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:06,884
We need a bedroom story, man,
talking "Once Upon My Lap."
347
00:15:06,922 --> 00:15:08,651
Get 'em while
they're hot!
348
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,590
BOBBY:
Wow! You didn't
tell me
349
00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,526
about this part, Dad.
350
00:15:12,561 --> 00:15:15,530
Bobby, close your eyes
and go to your room.
351
00:15:17,099 --> 00:15:19,124
Boomhauer, what
are you doing?
352
00:15:21,903 --> 00:15:23,768
Patch?
353
00:15:23,805 --> 00:15:25,204
Daggum ol' help!
354
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,867
Boomhauer, told you
no hanky and panky.
355
00:15:26,908 --> 00:15:28,773
Dang ol' hijacked
by Boom-hos.
356
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:29,970
Is this true?
357
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,502
Boomhauer, did you pay
358
00:15:31,546 --> 00:15:32,706
for these women to...
359
00:15:32,748 --> 00:15:34,215
I can't believe you!
360
00:15:34,249 --> 00:15:36,217
Marriage may not mean
anything to you,
361
00:15:36,251 --> 00:15:38,879
but it means a lot
to Patch and me and Buck
362
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,444
and everyone else here!
363
00:15:40,489 --> 00:15:42,047
Hey, man, now I'm talkin'
'bout ol' dang ol'...
364
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,387
I don't want to hear it!
365
00:15:43,425 --> 00:15:46,883
Now take your hired floozies
and get the hell out!
366
00:15:46,928 --> 00:15:48,259
Now, Boomhauer!
367
00:15:55,470 --> 00:15:58,906
Guys night out, man,
talkin'... girls?
368
00:15:58,940 --> 00:15:59,998
Why?
369
00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:13,387
I really thought
Boomhauer had come around.
370
00:16:13,422 --> 00:16:15,083
I mean, he brought beer...
371
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:17,557
but then...
the prostitutes.
372
00:16:17,592 --> 00:16:20,060
Maybe you can work
that into your
best man speech
373
00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:21,892
at the rehearsal dinner.
374
00:16:21,930 --> 00:16:23,830
You know, in a funny way.
375
00:16:23,865 --> 00:16:24,957
What really bugs me
376
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,901
is that Boomhauer
flat out lied to me.
377
00:16:27,936 --> 00:16:31,394
(sighs):
It makes me question
our entire friendship.
378
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,500
Whore monger, yes;
liar, unproven.
379
00:16:34,543 --> 00:16:37,410
Technically, Boomhauer
did not lie to your face.
380
00:16:37,446 --> 00:16:39,778
You merely assume
that he lied.
381
00:16:39,815 --> 00:16:41,248
Wait a minute. You're right.
382
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:42,910
I never asked Boomhauer
383
00:16:42,951 --> 00:16:45,078
if he tried to break up
Patch and Katherine,
384
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,748
so he hasn't actually lied
to me yet.
385
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,587
If I go to Boomhauer,
and he comes clean, well...
386
00:16:50,625 --> 00:16:53,355
maybe there's a chance
we can still be friends.
387
00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:58,725
Does this suit smell like
embalming fluid to you?
388
00:17:01,570 --> 00:17:02,901
Now, Boomhauer,
389
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,530
as a man, I'm obligated
390
00:17:04,573 --> 00:17:07,701
to try to salvage our friendship
of over 30 years
391
00:17:07,743 --> 00:17:09,802
by asking you
some tough questions.
392
00:17:10,879 --> 00:17:12,403
(sighs)
393
00:17:12,447 --> 00:17:14,347
Do you love Katherine Hester?
394
00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:16,009
Yo, man.
395
00:17:16,051 --> 00:17:19,418
And does the thought of Patch
marrying her tear you up inside?
396
00:17:19,454 --> 00:17:21,012
Yo, man.
397
00:17:21,056 --> 00:17:24,219
And did you hire those ladies
of easy virtue
398
00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:26,557
to frame Patch
and break up the wedding?
399
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,594
No, man.
400
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,466
Oh, Boomhauer,
401
00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:37,301
I am so sorry
for doubting you.
402
00:17:37,339 --> 00:17:38,431
Well, wait a minute.
403
00:17:38,473 --> 00:17:40,737
If you didn't hire
those girls, then...
404
00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:42,243
Kraig T?!
405
00:17:42,277 --> 00:17:44,575
Oh, God, Patch knew
all along!
406
00:17:44,613 --> 00:17:46,274
Dang ol' yeah, man,
407
00:17:46,314 --> 00:17:47,838
now-now, talkin'
'bout d-don't get hurt
408
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:49,942
falling off that dang
ol' high horse, man.
Boomhauer,
409
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,748
I deserve all that
and more,
410
00:17:51,787 --> 00:17:53,914
but right now I need
to get to the rehearsal dinner
411
00:17:53,955 --> 00:17:55,445
and set things right.
412
00:17:55,490 --> 00:17:58,186
I'll give Patch
the "happy ending" he deserves,
413
00:17:58,226 --> 00:17:59,352
I tell you what.
414
00:18:10,572 --> 00:18:13,541
Dang ol', where's
the best man, daggum, Hank?
415
00:18:13,575 --> 00:18:15,475
Gotta give speech, man,
talkin' 'bout...
416
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:17,808
(imitating Hank):
"Life's funny sometimes..."
like that, man.
417
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:20,371
Oh, my God, your
Hank is dead-on.
418
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:22,474
You know, I do
a great Bobby.
419
00:18:22,517 --> 00:18:24,747
Excuse me, sir.
420
00:18:24,786 --> 00:18:27,050
We have a hard
7:00 start time,
421
00:18:27,088 --> 00:18:28,385
so I'm going to...
422
00:18:29,724 --> 00:18:30,986
There Boomhauer.
423
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,426
We get a good fight,
it make up for cash bar.
424
00:18:39,935 --> 00:18:41,903
Uh, sorry I'm late.
425
00:18:43,805 --> 00:18:48,003
(clears throat): Hank Hill,
Best Man, Strickland Propane.
426
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:50,910
When people get married,
as these two plan tomorrow,
427
00:18:50,946 --> 00:18:53,244
you've got to act right.
428
00:18:53,281 --> 00:18:54,543
You've got to
have commitment,
429
00:18:54,583 --> 00:18:57,484
devotion, trust.
430
00:18:57,519 --> 00:18:59,180
You can't be fooling around,
431
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,121
and you surely can't be...
(glass chiming)
432
00:19:01,156 --> 00:19:03,818
There's something
I have to say.
433
00:19:03,859 --> 00:19:06,487
When Patch first
asked me to marry him,
434
00:19:06,528 --> 00:19:08,359
it was a dream come true...
435
00:19:09,698 --> 00:19:11,188
...but when I got here,
436
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:14,691
I realized how much Patch
reminded me of Boomhauer,
437
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,864
and that I might be trying
to recapture something I lost.
438
00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:20,364
And then Boomhauer hired
439
00:19:20,408 --> 00:19:22,035
a bunch of prostitutes
440
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:25,046
to make me think Patch
was some kind of pervert...
441
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,945
and I hated him for it...
442
00:19:30,518 --> 00:19:34,716
...but it was that desperate,
crazy, romantic move
443
00:19:34,756 --> 00:19:38,055
that made me realize
maybe there is something
444
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,721
still between Boomhauer
and me.
445
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:42,229
I'm sorry, Patch.
446
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,822
I cannot marry you.
447
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,058
Well, now hold on, baby.
448
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:47,068
Now, daggum, no, man.
449
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:48,069
It was all me.
450
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,730
Yeah, all me.
451
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,068
Talkin' 'bout frequent buyer,
452
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:52,903
spent Thanksgiving
with them hos, man.
453
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,033
(gasping)
454
00:19:54,075 --> 00:19:55,201
Oh, my!
455
00:19:55,243 --> 00:19:57,541
You're the one who hired
those strippers?
456
00:19:57,579 --> 00:19:58,568
Dang straight, baby.
457
00:19:58,613 --> 00:20:00,205
Dang ol' hopeless romantic.
458
00:20:00,248 --> 00:20:01,840
Uh, no.
459
00:20:01,883 --> 00:20:04,909
Boomhauer hired them
because he couldn't stand
to see us together
460
00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:07,080
is a grand romantic gesture.
461
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:09,249
You hiring them is...
462
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,759
just plain sleazy.
463
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,761
It's over, Patch.
464
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,593
Dang ol', no, baby, talkin'
'bout not me, man, talkin'...
465
00:20:16,631 --> 00:20:20,123
Hank! Dang ol' Hank
loves hookers, man.
466
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,433
Well, here we are
saying good-bye again.
467
00:20:26,474 --> 00:20:28,271
Don't worry. I'm not
going to do a donut
468
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,278
in your front
lawn this time.
469
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,770
(sighs):
I just need to go
away for a while
470
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,578
and get my head together.
471
00:20:35,617 --> 00:20:38,609
Hey, man, talkin' 'bout like
a dang ol' roller coaster, man.
472
00:20:38,653 --> 00:20:40,450
You know, I talk...
we talk about destiny,
473
00:20:40,488 --> 00:20:42,115
and that Big ol' Dipper,
man, you know,
474
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,625
well, it's just like a...
like a dang ol' North Star, man,
475
00:20:44,659 --> 00:20:46,126
and I always will
be there, man,
476
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,994
you know, just like
a dang ol' GPS...
477
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:51,828
I feel the same way.
478
00:21:09,951 --> 00:21:13,079
Hey, um, dang ol' Hank,
man, you know,
479
00:21:13,121 --> 00:21:14,713
talkin' 'bout, like,
that dang ol' day
480
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:16,246
might never not ever come,
you know,
481
00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:18,259
but if it do, man,
you know, I...
482
00:21:18,293 --> 00:21:21,751
you know, man, I might be
puttin' a little ol' call
on... on you, man.
483
00:21:21,796 --> 00:21:24,094
Well, Boomhauer,
I'd be honored.
484
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:30,260
Captioned by Media Access Group
at WGBH access. Wgbh. Org
Ripped By mstoll
485
00:22:02,804 --> 00:22:05,432
Whoa-ho-hoo, Patch.
34869
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